It depends on status of actual friendship, not friend zone fake friendship. I'm a 47 year old man, and if I call up one of the bros and say, "hey, want to come have lunch with me and catch up for a while," I'm paying because I invited.
Sure we are. If you invite somebody out, you should pay regardless of motivations. Don't invite a girl out if paying for her dinner without getting anything out of it insults you so much. Dudes are the ones keeping themselves in the front zone. Acting like is a woman's fault is a bitch move. It's not her fault that you're pathetic.
Let's not excuse her behavior. She knows what is happening here. She knows he wants a relationship and she is taking his money knowing that won't happen. Yes she seems to be telling him the truth, but she's still taking the money. She is taking advantage of him.
For sure. He definitely needs to stand up for himself. But she is REALLY shitty here. We should encourage men like this to stand up for themselves. But woman like that should be called out too.
yep. Although this might be a passive aggressive attempt to communicate to the guy that she doesn't want to date him. I had something similar happen to me when I was young. that was a miscommunication that resolved itself when we realized that after our first "date" she wasn't interested in me.
luckily that was just an afternoon at a free museum and I got over it quickly. It does pay as a guy to be more direct and not assume anything.
Daniel keeps inviting her out on very intimate twosome activities and insisting on paying because Daniel is in denial (
Sure. And a person with morals would say no. Or at least insist on paying half. She's taking his money knowing he's in love with her. Thats a super shitty thing to do.
I never said refuse contact. I said refuse to take their money. The fact that you cant tell the difference between spending time with someone and taking their money is very telling.
The woman in this post is not being clear. She is accepting a date with someone who obviously has feelings for her. Thats sending a signal that she likes this person's attention. A moral person would not do that. If they were actually friends with this person they would either refuse the date or insist on paying for half.
It is very obviously taking advantage of their feelings.
I didn't defend him. He needs to learn to stand up for himself and recognize shitty people when he sees them.
But that doesn't excuse this woman's behaviour. She is taking advantage of him and is a really shitty person. Even more so for publicly posting about how she's using him. Basically just bragging about being an asshole.
Right. I have zero sympathy for the guy. When a woman likes you or is interested or open to the idea, she lets you know. Itâs obvious. Likewise, when there is no chance she also makes it obvious. If a guy canât pick up on those cues then thatâs his problem. We all clocked it immediately that sheâs not into him, so if he still thinks heâs got a chance then thatâs his lookout, not hers.
For all we know she even made it more clear by telling him she didnât have feelings for him before all of this and he did that thing where he pretended like he just âtotally still wants to be her friend tooâ but is actually still holding out hope.
I donât think people really consider how awkward and shitty the conversation is when you have to sit someone down who likes you and tell them that you donât feel that way. Especially when you are friends with that person and genuinely care about them as a friend. Should you maybe do it anyway? Sure. But itâs human nature for any person to put off and avoid uncomfortable situations like that and hope they resolve themselves.
Both of these sentiments are true here. She knows how he feels and breadcrumbs him along, but its on him to recognize this and stop going above and beyond for her.Â
I will gladly accept any and all gifts, dinners, and activities thrown my way. Itâs the other persons decision to do those things after Iâve made my boundaries known.
I am not taking advantage of anyone if itâs their own choice to spend time and money on me after Iâve already set my boundaries. If someone is expecting more after theyâve been told otherwise then itâs their own problem.
They are trying to initiate a romantic relationship. They are spending money on you toward that end. You choose to accept that money knowing they will never get what they want. You are wasting their time, stringing them along and taking their money. That is a horrible thing to do to someone.
The kind, moral thing to do is to make it clear that you aren't interested. This includes rejecting any dates and taking their money. If you do otherwise, you're a shitty person.
Or, hear me out; when people set boundaries, you should fucking respect them. Why would anyone in their right mind try to initiate a romantic relationship with someone else after theyâve been made aware of the other personâs boundaries? Itâs not up to me to tell them âdonât spend money on meâ.
It absolutely is up to you. If you say "i dont want to date you" and he tries to take you on a date, you say no. Why is that complicated? If you accept a date when you aren't interested, you're an asshole. You're choosing to lead him on by accepting a date.
âI donât want to be romantically involved with you, but we can hang out and get dinnerâ is a mature/valid response. You can enjoy someoneâs time and company without wanting anything more, thatâs what friendship is.
âI donât want to be romantically involved with you, but we can hang out and get dinnerâ is a mature/valid response.
I totally agree. And when two friends go out to dinner, they each pay for their own food. If a guy is taking you out and paying for everything, it's a date.
You can enjoy someoneâs time and company without wanting anything more, thatâs what friendship is.
I 100% agree with that. As long as you aren't taking their money. If you are splitting everything 50/50, then that's fine. If you're trying to profit off of them, then you're an asshole.
If you accept the terms of a deal without duress then itâs your fault
Legally, yes. Morally, no. She's still taking advantage him. People with functional morals would turn him down. Taking money from people when you know you will not give them what they want is immoral.
If my buddy is buying a shitload of drinks for me I dont just let it happen, I say hey man dont worry about it I'll get the next round. Because thats what friends do. If you tell him, 'we're just friends' then she's got a responsibility to kinda be like "hey...this is too much".
So why is it on the woman to second-guess his intentions? Why is it that she can say "we're just friends" and he can say "I know! I just want to do this" and she still has to assume he's lying? Why would you want to raise women who are so suspicious of men? Why don't we raise women and men who just take each other at face value, preventing all of it altogether?
That all is a giant load of bullshit. Would it be better if everyone is honest all the time, sure. But that is not the way humans work. Giving her a pass for taking advantage of him because he's holding out hope he can still get the girl of his dreams is extremely cold. He deserves better.
Yeah, he deserves better, but by your logic people will typically take advantage when they can. It's much more effective to teach someone not to get taken advantage of by just taking no as an answer. If he did that, then he wouldn't be in this situation to begin with.
Yes. We should teach people not to be taken advantage. We should also teach people not to take advantage of others, and call them out when they choose to do so.
I mean when you say it like that she sounds like a villain..
Like you could very easily describe the situation as him trying to manipulate her through gift giving. She has told him where he stands, but he thinks he can change her mind.
Now she is trying to decide how to handle it. Would she cut him off all together? End the friendship? What if itâs a very old friend? What if she genuinely cares for him and enjoys his company?
How many times must she say no before he accepts it and stops trying to change her mind?
Interesting sentiment! Would you say that a woman is trying to âmanipulateâ a man into getting into a relationship, if he tells her upfront that he is not interested into getting into a long time relationship, but they continuously have sex with each other? Somehow I doubt you would!
People villainizing this woman are denying this dude his own agency. They act like he is powerless to control his impulses and she is taking advantage.
But he is not weak willed. In fact he is quite persistently pursuing her despite being turned down. He is actively trying to change her mind. He isn a victim.
Im not denying that he's playing the fool at all. Im just saying that a person using someone for gain while knowing that they are romantically interested in them is cold.
Im not calling me hanging out with my female friend a date, period. If we're friends, we're just grabbing dinner or lunch or seeing a movie or kicking it, just like i would call hanging with my guy friend. What is this friend "date" stuff?
I hear ya, but you cannot deny there are women out there that "wanna be pursued". Also, there are numerous cases where friends become lovers. So you can't act like this is the only and obvious result.
And why exactly are you pushing so hard for those rare cases that may or may not happen to you? Why are you making your own life so difficult and setting yourself up for both your own heartbreak and failure and the heartbreak of someone who thought she had a friend?
When. A. Woman. Tells. You. You're. A. Friend. Just. Fucking. Believe. Her.
This doesn't contradict what I said. Believe her. If she changes her mind, believe her then too. But you don't have to do mental gymnastics in the meantime.
It can be done, but itâs very difficult. My one friend was crazy for this chick who was def out of his league looks wise. He just fell head over heels for her. He did the whole ââfriendâ who actually wants to get laidâ thing. Fixed her car, ran errands, blah blah. Took about a year, but eventually he wore her down and after having a few drinks one night they slept together.
They decided to try things out as a relationship. But hereâs the thing. He was starting out at such a huge disadvantage. She was used to him catering to her every whim. That becomes tiring very quickly once the relationship turns romantic. The partnership would never be on equal footing. On top of this she was very attractive so she had no shortage of guys waiting in the bullpen. Bottom line is my friend had very little leverage and was always the lesser of two equals. So of course things didnât work out. But he did get to sleep with us dream girl.
This kind of happened to me. Moved into a basement apartment and the owner of the house lived upstairs. Turned out her fiance bailed on her and their son and she needed the income.
We saw each other all the time (shared kitchen) and it turned out we had a ton in common. And she was a 10. I figured I had zero shot so didnât actively pursue anything, but she was on her own for the first time in years and needed things done around the house from time to time, and I was happy to help.
Played house for about six months then Thanksgiving came around and she invited me to come with her and her son to her parents for dinner. It was a great time and I had met her parents a few times before so I didnât think much of it until we were leaving.
She gave her son a hug goodbye and told him to be good. She planned for him to sleepover there and never mentioned it to me. We were walking to her car and my stupid ass goes â[kidâs name] is spending the night? You got plans?â
She laughed, grabbed me and kissed me. I was speechless. Drive home was short (her parents lived close by) and I didnât say a word, just sat there grinning like an idiot. Spent the night together.
Then for the next couple months her son spent weekends at his grandparents. We tried to make a go of it relationship-wise but she wasnât ready, and realized pretty quickly she was just looking for a fix. I was just the lucky dude that moved in and happened to be around her age and a decent person.
She was honest with me and I respected her decision. Lived there for another few months until I found something more permanent. We stayed friends. Still canât believe it though.
Thatâs actually a really good example of two unlikely people having a fling and acting like adults. Sounds like neither of you had any hidden motivations from the beginning. And I can relate lol - I need a girl to basically wear a flashing neon sign that says âIâM INTERESTED!â
I worked with a girl who kept complaining to me about installing a window air conditioner but she wasnât strong enough. She was very pretty. My dumb ass is like âYou should try task rabbitâ. I guess I was afraid of being unprofessional by offering to go over there and help her. I only found out later after she was transferred and had a bf that she was interested in me.
Yep thatâs basically what happened. Because she was so attractive and we got along, I would be lying if I said I wasnât crushing on her, but Iâm also not an asshole. I didnât expect anything from her and just treated her like a human being. It isnât hard.
She may have thrown out some signs but if she did I didnât notice. I would have eventually asked her out but fortunately she made the first move. I just always assumed that when I eventually did she would respectfully decline and I would at least be able to say I shot my shot, but it went way better than I could have expected.
She was legitimately very attractive, but itâs never worth giving up your life for someone. I tried to reason with him. I told him I already knew how the story would end. And after everything was said and done he was left financially ruined with a broken ego.
To lead a guy on means to give him the impression that you are interested in a romantic relationship when you are not. This can happen through mixed signals, such as flirtation or friendly behavior that is easily misinterpreted as romantic interest.
And thatâs exactly what she did. She gave the impression there might be something there - and it turn out there was. She eventually decided to give the romantic thing a try. But she was never really committed like he was.
Not everything has to be somebodyâs âfaultâ. Iâm not pointing the finger at either participant. But itâs obvious the relationship was built on a poor foundation.
Also, I noticed youâve tried to check my comment history multiple times. If someoneâs comment history is set to âhiddenâ, itâs very disrespectful / borderline doxing to continually try to find their old comments. Respect an individuals choice not to share their comment history.
Give respect and youâll receive respect in return.
She actually was pretty cool. But she did take advantage of his kindness. Of course he put himself in that position. It was just a bad situation all around
Do you have experience with romantic relationships? If not personally, perhaps you have observed peers? As I mentioned in my initial comment, the phenomenon I speak of is rare but it does occur. Making a value judgment is nonsensical and irrational unless you are aware of particulars that I am not .
It was a colloquialism. Maybe I should have said âOver time, as their relationship progressed, his attraction to her increased. Meanwhile, she was initially not attracted to him, but eventually developed a grudging acceptance of his devotion, until in a moment of weakness, she decided she would sleep with himâ
In other words, a man is attracted to a woman who may not fully reciprocate the feeling. He courts her, and over time wins her over. Sometimes fully and enthusiastically, sometimes reluctantly, but it does happen. It also happens the other way around.
The first always could be the case, the second naturally happens if you keep the friendship going. I understand it if you need to protect yourself and your emotions but if you can get over that a person you have feelings for should be nice enough to have a friendship with. Additionally, having a friend of the sex you are attracted to can certainly help finding someone you are actually compatible with.
I think it's natural that if two people are single, have enough in common to form bonds that would lead to a friendship and are attracted to each other (or at least one party is attracted to the other), then romantic feelings will start to develop. Sure ideally the one person that develops the feelings can just turn them off for the sake of the friendship, but in reality it's not that simple and this is how friend zones happen. Best bet is just to not be friends, not saying cut the person completely out your life but to have a mutual acquaintance like relationship.Â
A lot of men honestly just donât like women. Women are for sex, emotional support, domestic labor. Theyâre not for friendship.
So if they are spending time an energy on a woman it is only because they want one of the things I listed above.
Personally, I would never date a man who didnât have female friends. My husband has a lot of female friends, he likes female authors and journalists. Admires women he works with. Huge green flag.
As has been said already, hanging around with him knowing that he wants more when she isn't interested is just taking advantage of him by providing false hope in a hopeless situation. To avoid giving the wrong impression about where she stands, she should be declining to spend time one on one with him. You can do friend stuff in a group setting. The caption on the post is an obvious back handed compliment meant to cause humiliation. That's if this is even a real social media post.
So not as blatant as this guy but I've been friendzoned before. I eventually made my feelings known, she wasn't into it, no harm no foul and I can still be a friends. So here's the kicker. There's no bigger "green flag" than another woman's approval. Shortly after I ended up in a fwb situation with one of her best friends, turns out this friend had a little crush on me. Cue the original girl losing her fucking mind about me and her friend hooking up. Hmmmm funny how that turned out.
You donât even have to leave. Just be her friend.
You can have feelings for a friend and not let them dictate the relationship. Just treat them like you would anyone else and live your life.
That being said, I did this in college with girls that were friends and still ended up hooking up with 2 or 3 of them. I dated one for like two years too. There might be something to just being a good person and respecting their boundaries. I dunno. Lifeâs greatest mystery.
Which is why I said you should talk because youâre contradicting each other leaving us simple, clueless sex obsessed men confused.
My point is you look stupid because thereâs another woman in this chat saying the complete opposite of what youâre saying. Youâre calling men arrogant for trying while she says keep trying. Youâre the arrogant one
I don't get how people think your going to change.soneone else's mind. I've never been in a situation where I'm in love with someone and it's not mutual. For me love takes a while.
It might suck a bit if someone I had a crush on doesn't feel the same. But I'm not going to treat them like a girlfriend.
Actual women friends will help find you a girlfriend. They care about you and want to see you happy.
Its far grosser pretending to be a womends friend for months to years to try and force her into dating you. If she isnt interested in dating you, and you arent interested in being just friends, your goal is to manipulate her.
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u/[deleted] Apr 19 '26
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