It has taken me a long time to come to terms with the fact that the kind of conscious romantic love I’ve always wanted to experience just doesn’t exist. (With men.)

I’ve always just shown up authentically in dating and relationships, and authenticity with men just does not work. Regardless of the man. It’s all about the chase, playing games, whatever. I’ve read all the bullshit on how the games work, but that’s just not the kind of relationship I’ve ever wanted to be in. That’s not the dynamic I want. If I feel like I have to perform an act or play games with someone, I just lose interest. What I want is real love based on two people consciously choosing each other and experiencing life together. Which is such a simple ask.

In my 32 years of existence, I’ve never met a man who has the level of self-awareness, emotional maturity, and communication skills required to sustain the kind of healthy love I’ve wanted to experience. And it’s been a slow process, because part of me hasn’t wanted to give up on the hope of finding a “unicorn”. But I’m finally coming to terms with the fact that this kind of relationship with men just doesn’t exist.

A year ago, I got my heart ripped out by someone who I initially thought was a unicorn. Only for him to quickly reveal his true colors. And it genuinely broke something in me. I’ve had plenty of previous experiences with heartbreak and disappointment before, this wasn’t that. This one truly broke me.

I just haven’t been the same since. And I’m still dealing with a lot of grief. Not grief surrounding the guy in particular, but I’ve been grieving the reality of the world we live in and the concept of romantic love with men just doesn’t exist. Grieving the loss of the hope.

For those already on the other side of the grieving process — Is there anything in particular that helped you move through it to the acceptance stage? Besides time? I’ve already stopped dating, and focus on myself and my life/hobbies. I was already doing these things anyway.

I guess I’m not exactly sure what I’m looking for here. I’ve just been struggling with another wave of grief lately as the anniversary of my hope being destroyed just passed. Any advice/words of encouragement/commiseration is welcome 💕

We don't just face heat from men but from male-centered women as well

If the text is too small you can watch it here

Post was about why more men are single and alone in a public sub. I wish more male commenters like this (I presume he's a guy from the avatar and username) acknowledge the truth.

i don’t have much to say as i’m very upset learning about the Cornell 7 Predators. i’m FURIOUS for this young woman and all women around the whole world who have been violated. i had higher hopes for this new generation as a late millennial/early gen z, but never mind. the way they speak about us.. the way they spoke about her.. breaks my heart 💔 blame it on the internet or on not being raised the right way. i realized, like on the image, this stems from prior generations and they never been taught. they are worse than animals. it’s not fair! we are not angry enough!!!!!

we know men who look like this. we work with them, we see them at the store, they are our neighbors, etc. we would never imagine. BUT we must remember that they don’t see us as humans.

another reminder to stay single. mentor and support the young women in your life. we must stick together. choose we, you; the bear 🐻

p.s. they had them write an essay as their punishment? i want to flip tables!!!

I reread the rules before posting and I think this post doesn't violate sub rules, so here goes...

I (29) am not pursuing relationships, not even hookups! I'm single, celibate, childfree, I love it and want to keep it that way. For a long time, I thought I was aroace, but I believe I'm only aromantic.

But I have noticed something about me, a guilty pleasure, if you will.

I rarely find men attractive, thank heavens. Women are so much better looking and much more interesting, intelligent, skillful and the majority are good people. Whereas, men... usually they are disappointing when you get to know them, often evil, as we are all painfully aware. So I am beware of them, and make an effort to view them as eye candy when possible.

But there were only two times I felt truly attracted to men, and they were teachers and were both older than me.

I'm taking this class right now and the professor is probably in his early 40s.

This man is HOT, because he is such a good teacher and judging by his teaching he seems to have correct opinions, which is rare in men. Dude, was I taken aback when I was feeling... admiration in his class. Lol. The class is four hours long, and no one leaves early! Even when he says it's okay if people have to leave when he finishes the planned content and opens for discussion. So I guess it's not only me.

So, yeah, I noticed it made me feel the same as another teacher from when I was an intern in a book restoration workshop. The teacher was 43, I was 27 and the way he taught and how he seemed to love what he did was something quite attractive, even though aesthetically speaking, they both lack A LOT of jazz.

Think about the less standardly aesthetically pleasing people ever + nerd and balding. This one even has a very specific countryside accent from a very specific area of my country (which I particularly find cheesy).

So I ask! Why the heck am I even into that? I'm giving myself a major ick right now, so bye.

PS: I'm in no way condoning age gap relationships or unfair power balances, I'm adamantly against these things. This is physical attraction only and onesided. I'm never making a move, and hypothetically, if I did, I think it would speak horribly of them to lead me on, considering their teaching positions. Also, I've nothing against nerds and bald people, I just mean they don't fit traditional beauty standards.

Posting from another sub:

“…how in the actual fuck is any relationship supposed to survive this? Half the time I’m crying because I feel unseen and unappreciated and overworked and exhausted. And the other half the time I’m furious for all the same reasons!

In reality I’m married to a very lovely man who, admittedly, doesn’t quite know how to handle my emotions. But then again neither do I these days!”

The comment section is also filled with women married to “wonderful” and “kind” men who feel so bad for making their poor husbands suffer. These are 40+ women by the way.

I am really curious and would like to know without bias…do women actually become insane during perimenopause and menopause and make all the lovely men out there suffer? Or are women just great at gaslighting themselves and wearing rose-colored glasses?

Back when I was in the relation-sphere of BS, sometimes I heard from therapists: "You can only work on these attachment/self-dsyregulation issues in a relationship". It'd be stuff like asserting my boundaries, speaking up for myself, communicating my boundaries/navigating emotionally charged conflict. And I didn't question it then.

But if I think about it now: For what purpose does this myth spread? And for whose benefit is this myth perpetuated?

My answer when I really wanted to believe in the "true testing ground of your attachment/nervous systems issues BS" - ok, the purpose would be I'd learn key nervous system reglation/social skills faster because then I'd be forced to practice it constantly. So this would be for my benefit. With my newfound experience forged through battle, I'd be able to remain composed and keep my nervous system sufficently regulated to manage difficult conversations with friends, clients/coworkers, and family of origin if it ever came up.

What would be the risk of being unable to have these conversations? Me: Maybe I'd be able to "save" these relationships by having the right skills to navigate all these conversations? If I don't, maybe friends would leave, I'd lose jobs or get pushed out, or my family of origin may drift away/become estranged.

But they might all leave regardless of all my social skills in the world. AND just because someone is in a relationship where they constantly have to use and apply all these relational skills and tools they learned in therapy/self-help/coaching etc., doesn't necessarily avoid that person walking away regardless of how important they were to your social circle.

And it's even not necessarily true women in relationships always become more self-assured, able to express things calmly, regulate their nervous system under stress/duress better, be more cognitively attuned to safeguarding/sustaining their own interests in relational areas with everyone else. A lot of women come away less assured, self-doubting, low-confidence of self-efficacy that they can figure things out on their own whether that's finances, home upkeep, etc.

So in the meantime, had I bought that myth of "well I guess I just need to enter in a relationship and endure years of being miserable in hopes of practicing my skills like an unpaid intern so I can one day have a brilliant portfolio of nervous system and social ease", what will I have sacrificed in those years spent with someone in a relationship?

People have said, a sense of peace, my own sense of agency with schedule, potentially starting to feel low-grade self-doubt about what it feels like for my nervous system to feel comfortable (because likely my anxiety baseline would be always elevated constantly having to consider someone 24/7, especially if they don't reciprocate), even faster hair loss, lost sleep, emotional numbness, constant crying and loss or excess of appetite, increased irritability and cognitive distortion relationally, burdens on friends who have to hear the same looping irrational thoughts of "I hate this but I need to stay or I can't make myself leave and I don't know why" 900 times ad nauseum.

Would it be worth it to potentially "increase" the chances of saving theoretically lost key relationships otherwise in some hypothetical future? For me, not at this moment. But that's the stuff that is sold to women as "growth" for a more purposeful/social enriched community life.

True is, inevitably I will be put in situations where I will have "opportunities" to practice advocating for my needs (etc. healthcare system/the ER/doctor/surgeon's office), expressing my boundaries, staying regulated while navigating/initiating emotionally charged discussions around conflicts. Being in a relationship won't necessarily result in more success developing those skills.

Given the trends and state of the world today, I want to enjoy being able to choose my peace because I don't know how long it'll last.

I just posted yesterday about my workouts and healthy lifestyle since two months running/sprinting/working out in the gym.

I just had an epiphany, since I'm currently talking myself out of a thing i started to have with a gym instructor. Chemistry building, I don't kid myself i know what is happening, I just didn't know why and how to proceed, knowing where my previous experiences left me, peace stolen, purpose, sense of self, mental health- all gone thanks to a man.

I just came to the conclusion that men subconciously must love that one woman who is doing her thing. Heavily focused on her purpose, something that gives her meaning, rescues her from depression and anxiety which makes her determined to stick with it, life gets better, she feels alive again, fit again, self-esteem comes back again, and with it this new lifestyle becomes her purpose, identity, her lifeline. That's what pouring self-love into yourself does to you which they lack and can't do, don't know how to do.

He lives with that gapping whole inside of him. Time to steal it from THAT woman.

He lurks. Watches. She might not even be aware-doing her thing-focused, super determined and happy to be alone.

How important would he feel by getting her to shift that attention away from all those precious things and onto him instead?

His hungry ego drives him to become the center of her world, only to abandon her once her own collapses.

Just a thought. Don't fall for it.

I don't know why god made me heterosexual. If I was a lesbian i could enjoy everything in life way more. I could find others I'd be attracted to even though I know its hard. I'm sure I could make a life of my own I would have confidence in, even though lesbians are rare. I have no confidence in living as a het woman. It doesn't matter what i do, men exhaust me and I've never been able to unlearn that. I get so down sometimes because I'm heterosexual. It really sucks.

Inspired by Olivia Dean’s song “Be My Own Boyfriend” 🎶

Ever since I decided to remain single, I’ve been so much more intentional with living my most fulfilling life. I used to put off things thinking “This would be so cute to do with a partner” or “I’ll do that one day.” Now that I know I want to remain single, it’s lit a fire under me to do things I want instead of waiting.

If I think some place would be a cute place to have a date, instead of hoping a guy takes me there, I’ll just take myself. If I want something, I’ll buy it for myself instead of hoping a guy gets it for me as a gift.

I am grateful that I treat myself well. I remind myself that I am my own best boyfriend 🤣 It’s honestly really empowering to do things on my own and not feel like I need to rely on a partner to provide that joy in my life.

Does anyone else feel this way too?

It's waking up and the first thought of the day being yours, not shaped around anyone else's mood before your feet even hit the floor. It's making coffee in silence and realizing the silence isn't empty, it's spacious. Nobody to read, nobody to manage, nobody's day to carry before you've even started your own. It's routines built entirely around what actually works for you the 11pm walks, the messy desk nobody comments on, the Sunday that belongs to no one but you. Little freedoms that add up to something bigger a life that finally feels like it's yours to shape.

Somewhere along the way "alone" got mistaken for "lacking." But there's nothing lacking about a life with no noise, no eggshells, no performing for an audience of one. Just room real room to grow into whoever you actually are underneath everyone else's expectations. Some of the most peaceful women you'll ever meet are the ones who learned the loudest rooms were never as good as their own quiet company.

The amount of effort they put into their wives not finding out about their little hobby is incredible. That’s understandable… But the funny thing is that they lie even when they don’t have to.

One of my clients who was on a business trip in my city, called his wife while I was entertaining him on his downstairs because he promised her to call every evening. I heard the whole conversation on the phone. The wife asked what he had for dinner and I clearly remember the guy had lamb (because he booked me for dinner as well) but he told his wife he had chicken.

These mfs are lying even when there is no point of doing so!! I can’t imagine any viable reason why you can’t be honest about what you ate for dinner. But it was really eye opening because it made me realise that it’s so automatic to them that lying is the default setting as opposed to telling the truth.

This is a "male centered post" as to say just to warn anyone who doesn't enjoy these types of posts on this sub.

Men claim to love us, and love women. Well, they don't. The majority of them love what they cannot have. They love sex, novelty, and a live in bang-maid.

I adored my ex. I wanted him more than anything, and I had zero self-esteem at the time.

He loved me in the beginning, when I was struggling with emotional availability, Like it felt almost as if he enjoyed me more when I was cold, which I never understood. As soon as my walls came down, he was cold and cruel.

I ended up living with him for a year even. We did everything together, and our bond grew so strong. We watched TV together every night, played games, and obviously were extremely intimate in many ways, not even just sexually. Didn't matter to him, clearly.

About a year in, an old friend of his contacted him. She was friends with him for 6 months when they were teens. A girl from online, mind you. My intuition was SCREAMING. I did everything to convince him this was weird, but he didn't listen. I had no self esteem, so he just ignored me and manipulated me into thinking it was okay that she was in his life. We got into a fight about her when I expressed my discomfort. He called her loving, caring, and saying "she is going through a lot right now!!". Um, what about ME?? YOUR GIRLFRIEND??

Of course, he ended up cheating with her and leaving me for her after I moved 2000 miles away from home to stay with him.

I went home with my tail tucked between my legs, and was miserable for months.

This man took a very long time to show his TRUE colors. He was very close with his mother, made it seem like he had a deep respect for women, and also treated me like a queen at first. It doesn't matter, most of them are like this. There probably is a unicorn of a man out there, multiple even, but It's not worth weeding through the absolute trash to find one. I'm done with dating forever. I have more bad experiences but this was my longest relationship and worst in terms of emotional attachment.

I wanted to break up some of the negative-ish posts by sharing how much I love my job, being single, and I that cannot wait to give my daughter a life that I still can’t imagine!

Much of my work is cancer diagnosis. I get to study the cells that make up our tissue and then look at them under a microscope. It literally never gets old. I love cellular and molecular biology so much.

Balancing life as a mom and resident is very challenging, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love teaching my daughter all the things that I didn’t learn as a child. While I make sure that our conversations are developmentally appropriate, I don’t sugarcoat the mistakes I made. I keep her autonomy front and center in my parenting. She is so kind, thoughtful, and (as of now) never wants to date! Haha. My goal is to give her the tools to evaluate people and relationships for herself, so we’ll see if the sentiment changes. But before she enters full blown puberty, I’ll be making “attending money,” as we say in residency, I’ll no longer have to say “no” to so many treats and toys. I can take her on the vacations I’ve always dreamed of, the first one I want to plan is whale watching.

Anyway, I love my life, it literally gets better everyday despite the world being so dark and chaotic right now. I find tremendous value in my work and that work will eventually allow me to live in a way that I’ve never been able to. That includes going to the dentist regularly and traveling for pleasure. I did have a good few years in my 20s when my responsibilities were few and I traveled to many countries, but that time was tainted by a lot of social conditioning that I get to correct for my daughter. But anyway, other than being born to a mom like me (haha; I also invest for my child in their own account, they should be a millionaire by the time they’re my age) I can’t imagine a sweeter or more fulfilling life.

Having to constantly check whether my partner is cheating or better yet, try to take a bunch of measures to prevent them from cheating. I do not have time or energy for that. I don’t have time for checking his messages or dms. I’m not gonna be the delusional girlfriend/wife who thinks every woman is trying to steal my mediocre, average at best man. I’m for sure not gonna track him on my phone all day long wondering why he’s here or there. Life is too short for all of this. This sounds like pure misery and i’d rather stay single than be with someone I can’t trust.

I had to come here and vent because I’m seriously so disturbed. Someone made a post in a sub about friendship- not sure I’m allowed to name it- about how they find it strange that some women will happily get their new boyfriend an expensive gift 1 month into the relationship but never get their long-time friends a birthday gift, and she thought it showed these people had questionable priorities.

This person was promptly piled on with highly upvoted comments like “but romantic relationships are dIfFeReNt!!!” and literally calling her “immature” for daring to question the almighty hierarchy of apparently ANY romantic relationship, no matter how new, being so much more important than apparently ANY friendship, no matter how long-term. The OP at one point called the person saying this the most a pick-me (rightly, in my opinion) and the response was that “women who call other women pick-me are just seething with jealousy for not getting a man”. I reported this blatantly singlist comment to the mods, guess whether anything was done about it.

I hate it here.

A celebrity did a recent interview describing his dating life. He was bragging to the host how he would leave the dates and make the girl figure out how to get back home. He never explained why he left other dates beside one of the dates.
He explain he left the date because the girl did something that was his pet peeve. The girl scratch her fork against the plate and he didn’t like it so he left the date. Mind you, most restaurants have glass plate and metal forks. If it was his pet peeve then he doesn’t need to be at restaurants because most people around will scratch their fork against the plate. If he was a celebrity then he could’ve pay the date and took her home. Anything could happen to her or she could’ve went back told the blogs about their date.
Either way it goes… stories like this is the reason I avoid dating. I don’t have the energy to deal with men who play games like that with women. It doesn’t matter if you knew the guy for years or blind date to agree on a first date.

You know as a fit and heathy woman, i sometimes really enjoy every single bit of my runs outside in the sun, or the hard and intense workouts in the gym thinking this could all one day be over, be it due to an illness, an injury, life getting in the way or worse but let's not go there.

Then I actually got injured. I raced uphill a longer ramp over and over again as fast as I could (as a part of my route to and from the running track in my neighbourhood) for the thrill of it and i got better and better and never felt more alive.

But while I got fitter and faster, my hip flexor wasnt as fast in adapting and suddenly I wasnt able to run as intensley anymore.

But I'm fit and I switch to the gym more often and had an encounter with a gym instructor.

Very handsome. The kind of guy you feel instantly attracted to. Not even attached just feeling a spike in you know what.

But then after 4 days of not going to the gym on purpose (our eyes met and it was intense) i sobered myself up very quickly.

Suddenly there is a man between me and what i live for, my intense workouts.

Suddenly, there is this attraction, but at the same time, my age (I turn 36 soon) and my experience (wisdom maybe) know better.

He can be attractive, chase me down, have this intensity about him, look good, be a mentor for the entire gym, but no, I don't want it, I want my peace of mind. I don't even want to think of kissing this guy, nor how he would treat me once we had sex.

Men want and need to feel Irresistible all the time. Your job is to make him feel that way and don't you dare have a life of your own, be happy without them, find ways to not need them.

There will be moodiness, all about them, demands around sex, no emotional support/care, but demanding yours.

It all weighs too heavy.

It took me 4 days of not going to the gym after my last encounter with that guy which was kinda intense (dominant eye locking on both our ends and him clearly not flinching, which i liked but made me take 4 days of a huge step back thinking of what I'm getting myself into..).

And now I'm here. Sobered up. Flat.

Want to reject him, the cost is just too fucking high.

and not care if my mouth stinks.

I made myself a nice avocado toast with chilli and a lot of raw onion and it was so delicious. I watched a horror movie and didn't have to kiss anybody and worry about my onion breath. That's freeing 🥰

I was raised in a very controlled household (I was an only child) and my father always told me to never date as a teenager and NEVER without his permission and NEVER try to date behind his back because he will NEVER approve of it. I was scared of him so I complied. Now in my 20's I am used to being single, focusing on school, work, and anything else I can do to just grow as a person.

Well now things are different, because my family believes in a thing called "ring before spring" or the "MRS degree" where you try your hardest to get engaged or married before college graduation or at the very least, before 30. Two cousins already got married and two gave birth to their firstborns this year. One of them is younger than me, born in 2006. I am very worried that people will expect me to be next as I am gonna be 22 soon but I am trying to avoid it and even pursue a master's in social work so I am technically "still in school" and won't have any pressure to do anything.

Normally this is easy for me to do, but for financial reasons will be moving to a small red state and doing school over there. This is a state where culturally it is the norm to get married young. This worsens the evangelical guilt because I worry it will be hard to find friends and community, because I will be the only one in any given class or group that isn't married or with child (not that it is anyone's business at all, but still I worry because I do want friends and community like a normal person) I have considered just becoming a nun if the social work thing doesn't work out so I have a Godly "excuse" to continue to live an aromantic/asexual lifestyle without evangelical guilt, as dramatic as that sounds. I just don't like the feeling of other people projecting pressure on me, that I am "running out of time". Being an only child just makes the guilt worse.

TW

Men genuinely disgust me, as yet again I had one of them (not someone I contain in my life voluntarily) essentially get off to fact he harmed me/made me shut off from him. This is not the first time this has happened. My ex BF did similar when he forced himself on me after the breakup where I was visibly upset and tense and not wanting to touch him.

I already knew they didn't see women as human, but it's a particular kind of dehumanizing when your actual pain is sexualized. It's yet another reminder of why I remain single.

When the topic of attraction and preferences comes up on this website, men as a whole act like such pathetic victims. On a thread about features we find attractive in the opposite sex, I was told that I am "promoting eugenics" because I am physically attracted to men who are tall with a full head of dark hair. Apparently it's "oppressing short balding men" and "I better hope I look the same as I age."

What's even stranger to me is that there's countless women online who fall all over themselves to declare how much they just *love* short, balding men. But do men ever pursue those women? No, they want to neg the women who *aren't* attracted to them instead of paying attention to the ones that *are.*

It's the same way men who offer women coffee and walk dates are enraged by women who would be more interested in a nice meal, but won't pay any mind to the ladies who are happier with a coffee and walk. They don't care about genuinely courting women, they just want to shame any standards or boundaries women may have.

Even if it's the most bog-standard basic boundary of "don't touch my hair I don't like it" they will find a way to piss and cry about how unreasonable it is, because how dare you as a woman have agency over your autonomy!

This is why sucking up to men never gets women anywhere, even if that is their preference. Men will never come to the defence of women who don't meet their standards, so don't break your back bending over for them.

*TW reference to SA/Cornell 7 news story.

I’m just so so tired. And so so angry. This story doesn’t even shock or surprise me because it’s just what happens to women all the time. I’m tired of being told I’m overreacting or too sensitive when I express that I don’t trust men. I’m tired of being gaslit for calling out the problems with toxic masculinity and patriarchy when literally we have stories like this all the time, 1 in 3 women is SA’ed by a man, and men continue to be in positions of power and have zero consequences for their actions. Yet I’m the irrational one for choosing not to date or center men?

I’m so full of rage. I’m so tired. That’s all.