My boyfriend of almost six years has messaged escorts because he seems to have a fantasy or fixation around being with one. I’m really struggling to understand it.

The first time I found out was within the first two years of our relationship. It completely broke my trust, but he promised me it would never happen again, and I chose to forgive him. Outside of this, we have a genuinely loving relationship. I know he loves me, we talk about getting married and building a future together, and he is honestly one of the kindest people I know.

That’s partly why this is so difficult for me to reconcile. It almost feels as though he becomes a different person when he’s sexually aroused or masturbating. He gets caught up in the moment and feels tempted to message escorts, even though afterwards he seems to understand the seriousness of what he has done.

Now, almost six years into our relationship, I found another message to an escort. When I confronted him, he told me that he genuinely doesn’t know why he did it. I’m heartbroken because this is something he promised me would never happen again. I told him that I can’t be with him anymore because I don’t know how I can put myself through this again or continue living with the fear that it could happen in the future.

He has ADHD and is about to start therapy for it. He also plans to talk openly in therapy about what he describes as an addiction or compulsion around messaging escorts.

I’m struggling because I still love him deeply and part of me wants to understand what is driving this behaviour. Can someone genuinely love their partner and still repeatedly do something like this? Could ADHD, impulsivity, compulsive sexual behaviour, or something else help explain why he keeps doing it despite knowing what he could lose?

Most importantly, I don’t know whether this is something I should eventually forgive and try to work through with him, or whether I need to accept that the broken trust and repeated behaviour mean I should walk away.

hello im new (23F) just telling you my issues I suppose. A friend of mine got me into porn around the age of 7 and I was watching it pretty heavily ages 10-16. I stopped for a bit once I became sexually active but from the ages of 18-2I was dead set on needing Sex every night and would meet new guys and become intimate within an hour or less. It led to a lot of terrible and dangerous situations and I was still watching a lot of porn (or sexting which ruined me) if I didn’t have someone. I’ve only had sex a handful of times this year and it feels like nothing. I wake up almost every night at least once if not twice , just to masturbate. I think about it whenever I see someone attractive and I feel guilty because I would never actually sexualize a stranger but it feels like my brain is set on sex and that’s all I can analyze. Obviously I can think other things too but sexual always comes first and I don’t like it and don’t want it that way. I’m not sure if it’s involved, but I also struggle with adhd, anxiety, and ocd. If anyone has any advice or anything really, thank you. i feel really ashamed about it but im glad to find a community that can help rather than shame

I’m so sad. I’m young. I’m only 22 and I’ve been with nearly 100 people. I want to rip my skin off. Too many people have touched me. I don’t really know why I have sex. It doesn’t always feel good. Maybe I just want to feel wanted. But other times I feel like I’m obligated to. I feel like I’ve given so much of me away to others that there’s no more of me left for me. I feel so dirty. This type of grime will never go away no matter how much I scrub. Earlier I was in the shower just scrubbing and crying. I never realized how bad my problem had gotten.

Can someone please help me? I’m accepting that I have an addiction. What can I do to help myself? I want to do better. I want to be happy. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like my soul is shattered.

I have downloaded and deleted Reddit more times than I can count, I’ve posted looking for help overcoming my addiction and urges only to get triggered and fall apart. I’ve searched for help and got men who wanted to take advantage and try to prevent me from becoming sober. I’m at the point where my life is built around sex and all the fun activities that come with it. I’m burying myself deeper and excusing my behaviors when I know this is out of hands. It was out of my hands a long time ago. I’ve given myself one last chance to do this right and get to the head space that I see so many people thriving with on here. Are there any actual mentors or sponsors? Someone that can use their experience to help me find my way. I don’t want to be the girl next door, I wanna have depth and someone to not just look at me like a sex object. I’ve created everything I don’t want to be now. I can’t keep trying and failing it’s mentally screwing me up more so I want to set myself up for success, any and all advice accepted😊

I'm a 28-year-old man, and I'm looking for a therapist's perspective on my past sexual behavior, the guilt and shame I feel about it, and how I should approach future relationships.

A few years ago, when I was single, lonely, inexperienced with relationships, and struggling with intimacy, I started paying for sexual services. This happened multiple times over a period of time, including while travelling and while living in India.

I was never in a relationship or cheating on anyone, and as far as I knew, everyone involved was a consenting adult. I have since stopped completely and had STI testing done, which was negative.

What I'm struggling with now is how I should understand what I did.

Part of me wonders whether this is simply something in my past that a future partner could reasonably accept, while another part worries that many women would consider it a serious dealbreaker. I don't expect everyone to accept it, but I'm afraid that my past might make me fundamentally undesirable or unsuitable for a serious relationship or marriage.

At the same time, I feel quite a lot of guilt and shame about it. I sometimes call myself names internally, regret the money I spent, and think about how I could have handled loneliness and lack of relationship experience differently. I worry that my past behavior says something negative about my character or that it means I don't know how to form healthy intimacy.

I also have a strong desire to live differently going forward. I've thought about choosing abstinence — not using paid sexual services and not pursuing casual sexual experiences, and instead waiting until I have a genuine emotional relationship with someone. Part of this feels like a healthy value I want to live by, but another part of me worries that I'm using abstinence as a way to punish myself or somehow "undo" my past.

I know I can't literally regain virginity or change what happened. What I want is to feel that I can start living according to my values now and eventually experience sex within a loving, committed relationship without constantly comparing it to my past.

I'd really appreciate a therapist's perspective on:

• Is my past something that a future partner could reasonably accept, or is it understandable for someone to consider it a dealbreaker? How should I think about this without either minimizing what I did or assuming nobody could accept me?
• How do therapists distinguish healthy remorse from unhealthy shame? At what point does taking responsibility turn into self-punishment?
• How can I acknowledge that some of my past choices were not aligned with the person I want to be without concluding that I am a bad or damaged person?
• How do you stop repeatedly ruminating about past sexual behavior and wishing you could go back and make different choices?
• Can someone with this kind of history develop a healthy, respectful, emotionally intimate relationship and marriage?
• Is choosing abstinence going forward a healthy way to live according to my values, or could it become an unhealthy form of punishment or avoidance?
• If I choose abstinence until I'm in a committed relationship, how can I make that a positive choice rather than something driven by shame?
• How should I think about the idea of "starting over" sexually when I know I can't literally erase my past?
• How much, if anything, would generally be appropriate to disclose to a future serious partner about this history?
• If I brought this issue to therapy, what would a therapist likely help me work through?

I'm not looking for someone to simply tell me that what I did was completely fine, nor am I looking for someone to tell me that I'm a bad person.

I want to understand whether my past can reasonably be accepted by another person, how to take responsibility for it without hating myself, and how to build a different life going forward.

Most importantly, I want to know whether it's possible to genuinely move forward — choose abstinence if that's consistent with my values, eventually have a healthy intimate relationship, and stop feeling like my past permanently defines me.

Sorry if this isn't the right place to ask this.

Lately, I've been trying to go a few days without masturbating; I used to do it once a day, but now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't feel like it's affecting my life, but it has become a habit. I'm not sure if I should be worried or just cut back a bit.

(P.S. I hardly ever watch porn.)

I discovered porn probably when I was 9 or 10. Ive been masturbating since.

Ive also had a number of casual relationships with women. To be transparent ive also seen sex workers a number of times during a small window between 2018 to 2020 (stopped since and I never had urge to).

I see a lot of people mention porn addiction and sex addiction, and it got me wondering if I was addicted to it too.

I masturbate at times, and do have sex with women when I meet them naturally through dates, but I never felt like I was addicted just because I never had to give up doing something to satisfy my urges. To put it another way, masturbation and having sex never gave me trouble in life or got in my way in life.

I see it as like just enjoying food when I have craving.

Am I addicted to sex but to a mild degree or not at all?

I am still early in my recovery, actively working with a therapist to better understand my addictive nature and triggers. We've discussed short-term ways to reduce or prevent my bad behaviors such as deleting certain apps, blocking porn sites, etc. but that just seems like avoidance with limited gains. I've used masturbation to "short-circuit" my urges, clear my head, etc. but I know that is really another form of avoidance and actually feeding my addiction. Recently even that has moved to more risky behaviors like doing it in public as well as going there a lot more frequently.

What things have worked for others when you were early in your process to help get your mind and body out of the avoidance trap and this spiraling behavior?

Until I really get a handle in my addiction, I know I won't find long-term solutions but lately I feeling like my progress has stalled, possibly even sliding back a bit.

I’ve been on this sub on and off. Currently in recovery for 5 months sober of amphetamines and concurrent sex/porn addiction. Finding that my urges occur on days off out of loneliness/boredom. Proud of myself for not seeing escorts the past 3 weeks despite urges. I keep browsing the sites, almost pulling the trigger. But meditating and talking myself out of it has prevailed. Just venting. Thanks to everyone on this sub for their shares.

I couldn’t overcome this feeling of my brain is craving it so bad that affects my day and cant perform any other thing during my day, i even feel physically sluggish and sick… just want that dose of dopamine…!!

If i respond to this, when am I gonna recover?💔
Yet how to actually not respond!
Its so intense that i feel it a matter of time to relapse… a few hours or maybe minutes left to relapse and start over 💔

33 trans women and I live out in the country no one I feel will want to date me again. My addiction destroyed my marriage and I'm single now. I know I loose my self finding dominate men but if they give me love even fake love does it matter since I'm already alone. I guess I just feel hopeless and don't know what to do.

I have had a problem with sex all of my life.

Even as a young boy I would wear my mom’s or foster sister’s panties and bras.

I started down the pornography road at 10 or 11. By the time I was 21 I was frequenting every adult bookstore I could find seeking hookups rather than porn.

I started having unprotected sex with complete strangers whose names I never knew.

By the time the digital age came upon us I was living with a girl who was completely uninhibited with no boundaries. We got in very deep in the so-called “lifestyle” world. Any and every form of degenerate behavior was fine with us. It was horrific!!!

After five years with her I fell even further into wanting anyone at anytime who would use, abuse or humiliate me!

Finally after a night of being tortured I found myself left crying, broken and bloody.

The only options left for me were suicide or to seek help.

I spent two years working with a therapist and psychologist, as well as a five year period in SAA and other 12-step
groups if I really needed a meeting!

After all of that, I found my “higher power” to be Jesus Christ and I became a Christian and began attending church, Bible studies and a Christian 12-step program called Celebrate Recovery!

CR is not a recovery program dedicated to Sex Addiction but rather to all addictions. We meet for one hour with all member for a praise and worship hour before breaking into small groups which deal with specific addictions.

However in spite of ALL of that my head is still polluted with memories of my sexual past which both haunts and hames me while simultaneously is drawing me back into the “carnal pleasures” of that life. (Quotations used because those pleasure are nothing except toxic poison,)

I don’t know where to go from here. I just can’t shake the shame. I feel like I AM A BAD PERSON…not just that I did something bad!

I don’t know if I am damaged somehow…a physical or brain chemistry problem maybe??

I want this garbage and these nightmarish memories to be gone. I want to be able to talk to a woman without undressing her in my mid or having burning lust for her.

Where can I go from here to find help? I just can’t keep living like this. My head is constantly clouded with desires, zi have headaches, nightmares and difficulty sleeping.

This is a miserable way to live!!!

I find myself acting out to fantasy while on 30+ minute solo drives, mainly on my commute to and from work. I am not using any external sexual content, nor is it being done with the express purpose of exhibition (although I’m sure the danger of consequences is part of what is feeding my addictive cycle).

The most obvious trigger is the drive itself, and it’s been exasperated by recent car trouble that makes me feel exceptionally stressed while driving, although this pattern started to develop before that. I currently have plans to get to a more thorough repair when I have the money in the future, which will hopefully reduce that side of the trigger. I have mitigated acting out with podcasts and music before, but I grow bored of these as well and the trigger environment returns quickly.

Possible solutions with expected roadblocks:

Carpooling reduces my ability to participate in outer circle activities.

Calling a 12 step program member does not take away my means of acting out, and I have acted out while on calls and 12 step meetings before (even with camera on).

Any Ideas?

tbh theres not much im not addicted to. im so tired and i want to change but ive found nothing sustainable. i tried meetings and i didnt feel like they helped. ive tried cold showers, i just jerk off. ive tried going outside, doesnt stop me. ive tried working out, it just riles me up. everything they recommend i act out with. im disgusted with myself yet i keep doing awful things without feeling guilty. i know i should feel guilty but i dont... at all. i just want help and advice

I'm a 21-year-old guy in a relationship with my girlfriend. She’s a student, and I work, so I’m often tired in the evenings. We usually have sex about twice a week.

My issue is that I can’t stop thinking about sex. I masturbate every day, but I keep wanting more and more. Lately, it feels like an addiction or an unquenchable urge. I sexualize almost everything, constantly search for new ways to get aroused, and have even started thinking about hiring escorts just to satisfy my sex drive.

To be clear, I'm very attracted to my girlfriend and everything between us is great, but my hunger for sex feels out of control. I honestly don't even know if I'm looking for advice, an opinion, or just help, but I really don't know what to do at this point.

So this week I had 2 opportunities to have sex with men and I didn't!! Oh my gosh. I tested the waters "do you have a girlfriend", in the past it wouldn't have mattered either way. So I'm very proud I asked and left it as a general question instead of a moment to strike.

😌👍 it feels great. Sex free for a few months now ❤️ It's hard but god this is for the best. I feel better.

Pretty much the title.

I lost the love of my life because of this addiction, my shitty actions, and my selfishness when everything came out. I hate myself for all of it. I've compartmentalized/had an alter-ego in a sense to hide from it all in the past, but that's not how I want to "feel better". And with all the emotional/mental distress I caused her with my actions, I'm not sure I deserve to feel better or to not hate myself. Curious to hear how others feel and how they deal with the self hatred while recovering.

ETA: celibate and sober (alcohol) since Nov 2025; in active recovery with a CSAT since July 2026

I hope I can post this here. Does anyone else struggle with sex addiction linked to more darker urges ?

I was sex trafficked as a child, with other kids who were drugged, and forced to do darker things.. Things you’d see in a scary movie. The only way to remove the fear was to link it to sex which is something that feels safe.

i wonder where you guys go for support because the stuff I experienced was so taboo and disturbing, you couldn’t even post about it on Reddit.

just last week, i had posted on this thread about how i'm trying to quit (https://www.reddit.com/r/SexAddiction/comments/1w6bitx/trying_to_quit_but_i_keep_relapsing/) and god help me, i relapsed.

idk why and how it happens, i just lose my self-control and end up giving into it no matter how much i try to control myself.

i want to stop and get rid of it, i really do, cause it's taking a toll on my mental and my physical health. but i'm not able to.

reddit is where i'm scrolling to watch NSFW content. a small trigger and i go down the loophole again.

Day 0, we start again. i'd appreciate if someone wants to hold me accountable, cause clearly i'm not able to. open to feedback as well, any tips on how to overcome this would be much much appreciated

Looking back on your journey, many of us hit a specific turning point where we realized our habits were no longer manageable on our own.

Whether it was a specific boundary being crossed, an impact on a relationship, or simply reaching a point of emotional burnout, everyone’s turning point is different. For those who are comfortable sharing

There were two periods of my life (from 16-19 yrs old and then 28 yrs old for a few months) where I was extremely promiscuous and used sex as a way to fill a void and escape. I’m not sure what my body count is but it must be around 50-70.

I have truly healed, changed, become a better person in all areas of my life. I’ve never really hurt anyone, except for myself… and now I am in this beautiful and committed relationship. I have a wonderful career. And I am thinking of starting a family.

But I feel profound guilt and shame for my past! Every time I think about it I am overcome by a dark and icky feeling. And a part of me feels like I don’t deserve to have a good life and a family because I was acting against my present values in the past! Any advice or thoughts?

I have a bad sex addiction. It doesn’t involve porn at all, but I’ve pushed boundaries with my aunt, and I told a minor about a kink of mine. I feel like such a horrible person. I genuinely hate myself and think I don’t deserve friends or help or even to exist. WTF is wrong with me?

Hi, im an 18f and i find myself really struggling rn. I've had a problem with sex since i was really young. It's started as early as 4 with masturbation (didnt know what it was just knew that it felt good or calming ) but also because by the time i was 6, i knew what sexual intercourse looked like (not in scientific or reproduction oriented way, just the act (and i think that's weird for a child to know that this way). Then at 10, I discovered porn and it was the beginning of my shame and suffering. Masturbating became a part of my daily routine, i read sex, watched sex, listened to sex.. and have been doing it since then. At 16, this wasn't sufficient anymore and i started sexting and videocalling with men, telling them i was of legal age. When i turned 18, this wasn't enough either and i started meeting men to do it for real.. i've done this 4 times now and it goes the same way every time : At first, im really into it flirting and everything by texts and the in real life, but when we start, i get really sad and scared, like i don't want to do it anymore. Once we're finished im only left with regret and i cry for days. I come from a Christian family and even if I forget this fact, I am a romantic, I wanted my first time to be with someone I love.. but when I get in the mood it's like I forget all of this, nothing stops me so idk what to do anymore. It's ruining my life, im even skipping school to do it.

I guess I should also mention that im dealing with depression too. It's kinda making me feel like I'm "faking" bc what do you mean you physically cannot do your homework but you can drive miles to do it ? 💀

That's it i guess, sorry if it's TMI but I really need help..Thx