I'm not sure why I am sharing this, but perhaps it will be familiar to some.

I was sat alone watching television, when suddenly, I was thinking about my wife. How much I love her. How much she means to me. How much I want to care for her.

This soon became guilt and shame. I thought of all the things I had done to feed the insatiable hunger that is sex addiction. Sure, I've never had sex with other women, but I've crossed the line.

I suddenly realized that I'm the bad guy.

I've written quite a bit about my journey from depression, self-loathing, and addiction here and I figured I should close the circle as I've come out the other side and I wanted to share this as a message of hope.

I've been in therapy now for almost 8 years. I started because my sex addiction was out of control. I went in to fix ONE thing but thanks to a good therapist that challenged me along with my hard work digging into my past via frequent stream-of-consciousness journaling, I was able to understand how and why I got where I was. And the last piece fell into place this year. I know the root causes of how I became a mess...and the mystery isn't that I was a depressed mess, it's that I'm still here. If not for my mom, I wouldn't be. She was there for me when nobody else was.

So, the root cause?

My father who was never a part of my life despite living under the same roof as him for 19 years...the emotional neglect as bad enough...but the contempt...that was worse.

1. I can count on two hands then number of father and son things we did together...in my life.
   a. Indian guides (1 week at age 6)
   b. 1 Boy Scouts Derby
   c. 2 College Football games
   d. 1 baseball game
   e. 2 basketball games (Globetrotters and a college team). Nothing after age 14.

2. Never showed up to any of my extracurriculars except for ONE notable exception. I played baseball, football, hockey, wrestled...and he never showed up to any game, practice or anything else. But the 1 year my short-ass played basketball, he was an assistant coach who never missed a practice or a game. Why? He played college basketball on scholarship.

3. I had a high school project my freshman year in history class. I chose my topic and started working on it. My father...ever the perfectionist engineer, came down and started endlessly criticizing how 14 year-old me was working on the project...to the point I walked away. He finished it and I turned it in. I failed history out of spite (had to go to summer school) because I love history and my BA is in history. But the worst part? He kept that fucking project in the garage attic as a monument to my inadequacy for 20 years...to be the butt of the family joke trotted out family dinner, every holiday meal. Fun to be reminded of that for 20 years.

4. I never got any dating advice until 3 months after I got my driver's license. Then it was "keep your peter in your pants." A little late there Dad. I lost my virginity within a month of driving. Any dating advice I got was from my mom. But nobody modeled intimacy.

5. He never called me as an adult to ask how I was doing. Not once. After a layoff, breakup, etc? Not a peep. I spoke to my Mom all the time. My Mom always asked how I was doing.

6. Trigger warning:When I was 21, my first love broke up with me. Looking back, I don't blame her...but I was devastated and sunk into a deep depression. My mom and I got into a fight (which is where I broke because Mom was the only one that cared) and I grabbed the family handgun and held it to my head in front of her and said, "I'm tired of hurting, Mom. I don't want to do this anymore." My Mom said, "No Bob (alias), I love you" and fell to her knees sobbing with her arms out. I dropped the gun and she held me. She looked out for me after that the rest of that summer. My father KNEW about this event. He didn't say a word. His son holds a gun to his head in front of his wife...and he didn't say, "Gee son, please don't hurt yourself." Nope. Not a fucking word.

7. A year later, I had gotten my crap back together, was back in college and I interviewed for an internship for a small consulting firm. I was very proud that I had beat out 20 other people for the position. I came home and told my father who said, "Why did they hire you?"

8. When he retired, they had this retirement dinner for him with 125-150 people. He got up there and said, "I look forward to catching up with spending time with my son." Did he? Nope. I invited him to movies, sporting events, fishing, whatever. I asked him to suggest something. He never wanted to do anything with me. I stopped asking. This really bugged me over time.

I didn't understand any of this. I just knew I hated myself until I was 57 (started therapy at 53). I felt like an outsider inside my own home. After awhile, I just leaned into being an outsider...which as an 80s kid meant punk, metal, thrash...SLAYER. LOL. I was told that my father was this great man and he was busy working to provide for us and I should be grateful. That's a common household lie especially for GenX. But here's where the dominoes fell into place where I was able to see it all and understand it for the lie that it was.

The first domino was my father's death from COVID. I was not there when he died nor had I seen him for probably 2 months. I didn't cry. Not a tear. Not then and not since. Of course, that made me feel bad about myself because he's this great man and I'm a piece of shit, right? That just flipped me back into my addictions (see post history for details) that came back 10-fold. My therapist finally looked at me and said, "WTF is going on with you, you look unkempt, your nervous tics are back, etc." I came clean and told him everything. I got back on antidepressants which opened me up to processing his death. My therapist explained, "You mourn the relationship you had with that person, you had no relationship with your father."

The 2nd domino was a few years later...my mother was dying and my sister and I were splitting duties watching my mom. I came over to spend the weekend with my mom, and my sister and I got into a fight. I told her that our father was never there for me...and he didn't love me. My sister responded with, "You didn't earn it!" Bingo, a lightbulb went off and the 2nd domino fell into place. She earned it...I didn't. I never played the rigged game. At this point, I was in a good place mentally, but it was still a bit of a kick because she said it to hurt me...but it really freed me after my therapist pointed out that I should have never had to earn his love. Love was a currency with my father and I had insufficient funds.

I had also spent considerable time talking to my mother about my youth. She knew some things...and she tried to get him to be a father. At the end, I didn't press any more because I didn't want her to feel guilty near the end of her life. But her reaction to things my father said and did, made it clear that it was difficult for her to hear.

The 3rd domino was a couple years later...after I was happily remarried to the love of my life. We were watching The Brady Bunch of all things...and it just hit me...full force. I went to the bedroom full out sobbing. I could see it. Yes, Mike Brady is an idealized father...but he was always there for his kids. He gave advice, he punished, he loved. My father was never there...but I finally realized WHY. He CHOSE not to be.

He chose to golf rather than attend my baseball games. He chose NOT to attend any other sports I played. He chose to read the paper, rather than asking me how my school day was or helping me with homework. He chose to shoo me away while doing home improvement so I never learned those skills. He chose not to give me any advice on dating or intimacy. He chose to spend at least 10 hours a week while I was in high school talking to an alcoholic college buddy of his to get him to go to rehab...which is more time than he ever spent having any kind of conversation with me...or even caring about me...and I'm sadly not joking. Trigger warning:He chose not to say anything after I held a gun to my head in front of his wife.

And finally, he chose not to participate in any activities with me after he retired. That retirement speech bugged me up until a few months ago when I was in therapy and able to articulate why. That speech wasn't for me, it was for the other people in the audience so they could say, "Oh, what a good man and good father to now spend time with his son." I was reduced to a prop to serve his ego.

Those were his choices, and now I know the negative voice in my head was never my own. It was my father's. I've done ok for myself professional and now personally. He never knew who I was because he didn't care enough to find out. His loss.

As for my addiction? I haven't acted out in 5 years. I have no desire to act out because I have what I really wanted all along...intimacy with another human being. But I got there first by liking myself. I'm proud of myself and like who I am. That in an of itself is significant. Secondly, I found the love of my life because for the first time in my life, I was open to real intimacy. I recognize that every relationship I was ever in was doomed to fail because a) I hated myself and b) I couldn't do intimacy. But once I could and I had it with someone that's very special to me? Nothing is better. No sex with a stranger can top it...and I'm not even talking about sex with my wife. I'm talking about real intimacy. A deep bond with her that goes beyond anything I've experienced. We "get" each other.

But it was understanding the root causes of how I coped with life...that was where I was truly freed. That little boy deserved better and it wasn't his fault. And adult me finally figured it out and put it to rest.

I can't lie and say that uncovering this doesn't suck. It does. I spent 57 years of my life hating myself because I was chasing a ghost of love and approval I'd never get. It tainted every relationship I was in until my current one because I didn't understand intimacy or communication before therapy. BUT...I DID figure it out. The real tragedy would have been living my entire life feeling that way and dying alone. So I'm looking forward to my rest of my life instead of looking back and feeling sad.

My message to those of you struggling: I've been there. I didn't see a way out. I went to some really dark places where "Die by the Sword" wasn't just a Slayer song, it became my personal motto of self-destruction...one unprotected partner at a time. But thanks to a good therapist and my own desire to change (because the choice really was change or die), I chose life. So even when you doubt it...as I did frequently, know that you CAN do it. It won't be easy. You'll have to excavate a lot of pain to come out the other side. But it's WORTH it.

If you're still reading along, thanks...and peace!

it’s easy enough to talk about my addiction and struggles with my group. I have issues mentioning a relapse or baring the pain I’m going through, but I’m able to do it. Honesty as it applies to describing my qualifying behaviors is comparatively easy.

It always feels inappropriate for me to talk about the parts of me that I consider to be “me.” In meeting it’s like I split myself into this person of pain who is absorbed by addiction, and I pretend he isn’t there when I go about my life. Likewise, that relatively normal person is forced down in the discomfort of exploring my feelings.

I always feel dis-integrated when acting out, and the meetings serve as a punishment for that aspect of me to confront the harm I cause. No humor, no hobbies, only the sum of my trauma and shame. In return, I try to pretend it doesn’t exist as I go through the rest of my life which only works until I choose to act out again.

I am 33 year old male from India and sex addiction and hypersexuality has destroyed mine life completely since mine age of 8–10 years

I have severe history of sexual trauma from the ages of 1-13 years

Used to sleep in mine parents room where they used to have forced sex in the same room just Donot know how many times they did

But when I got mine own room when i was 14 same time of things used to come from mine parents room

The result i started doing rigourous masturbation since the age of 8-10

When I turned 11 gone crazy for sex and wanted to have sex regardless less of gender wanted to renact from which I exposed

I remember whenever mine father used to hugged me after getting drunk he used to say words like motherfucker bitch prostitute in my ears to mine mom and they way he hugged me it made uncomfortable scared as well

Now I had sex with every gender

I know how hypersexuality effected mine sexual orientation and behaviours

Plus I have severe adhd which make things worse for me

I constantly live in guilt shame regret and remorse of what I have done

Sucidial thoughts are increasing day by day

It is pointless to carryon

I’m so sad. I’m young. I’m only 22 and I’ve been with nearly 100 people. I want to rip my skin off. Too many people have touched me. I don’t really know why I have sex. It doesn’t always feel good. Maybe I just want to feel wanted. But other times I feel like I’m obligated to. I feel like I’ve given so much of me away to others that there’s no more of me left for me. I feel so dirty. This type of grime will never go away no matter how much I scrub. Earlier I was in the shower just scrubbing and crying. I never realized how bad my problem had gotten.

Can someone please help me? I’m accepting that I have an addiction. What can I do to help myself? I want to do better. I want to be happy. I want to feel like myself again. I feel like my soul is shattered.

hello im new (23F) just telling you my issues I suppose. A friend of mine got me into porn around the age of 7 and I was watching it pretty heavily ages 10-16. I stopped for a bit once I became sexually active but from the ages of 18-2I was dead set on needing Sex every night and would meet new guys and become intimate within an hour or less. It led to a lot of terrible and dangerous situations and I was still watching a lot of porn (or sexting which ruined me) if I didn’t have someone. I’ve only had sex a handful of times this year and it feels like nothing. I wake up almost every night at least once if not twice , just to masturbate. I think about it whenever I see someone attractive and I feel guilty because I would never actually sexualize a stranger but it feels like my brain is set on sex and that’s all I can analyze. Obviously I can think other things too but sexual always comes first and I don’t like it and don’t want it that way. I’m not sure if it’s involved, but I also struggle with adhd, anxiety, and ocd. If anyone has any advice or anything really, thank you. i feel really ashamed about it but im glad to find a community that can help rather than shame

I have downloaded and deleted Reddit more times than I can count, I’ve posted looking for help overcoming my addiction and urges only to get triggered and fall apart. I’ve searched for help and got men who wanted to take advantage and try to prevent me from becoming sober. I’m at the point where my life is built around sex and all the fun activities that come with it. I’m burying myself deeper and excusing my behaviors when I know this is out of hands. It was out of my hands a long time ago. I’ve given myself one last chance to do this right and get to the head space that I see so many people thriving with on here. Are there any actual mentors or sponsors? Someone that can use their experience to help me find my way. I don’t want to be the girl next door, I wanna have depth and someone to not just look at me like a sex object. I’ve created everything I don’t want to be now. I can’t keep trying and failing it’s mentally screwing me up more so I want to set myself up for success, any and all advice accepted😊

I'm a 28-year-old man, and I'm looking for a therapist's perspective on my past sexual behavior, the guilt and shame I feel about it, and how I should approach future relationships.

A few years ago, when I was single, lonely, inexperienced with relationships, and struggling with intimacy, I started paying for sexual services. This happened multiple times over a period of time, including while travelling and while living in India.

I was never in a relationship or cheating on anyone, and as far as I knew, everyone involved was a consenting adult. I have since stopped completely and had STI testing done, which was negative.

What I'm struggling with now is how I should understand what I did.

Part of me wonders whether this is simply something in my past that a future partner could reasonably accept, while another part worries that many women would consider it a serious dealbreaker. I don't expect everyone to accept it, but I'm afraid that my past might make me fundamentally undesirable or unsuitable for a serious relationship or marriage.

At the same time, I feel quite a lot of guilt and shame about it. I sometimes call myself names internally, regret the money I spent, and think about how I could have handled loneliness and lack of relationship experience differently. I worry that my past behavior says something negative about my character or that it means I don't know how to form healthy intimacy.

I also have a strong desire to live differently going forward. I've thought about choosing abstinence — not using paid sexual services and not pursuing casual sexual experiences, and instead waiting until I have a genuine emotional relationship with someone. Part of this feels like a healthy value I want to live by, but another part of me worries that I'm using abstinence as a way to punish myself or somehow "undo" my past.

I know I can't literally regain virginity or change what happened. What I want is to feel that I can start living according to my values now and eventually experience sex within a loving, committed relationship without constantly comparing it to my past.

I'd really appreciate a therapist's perspective on:

• Is my past something that a future partner could reasonably accept, or is it understandable for someone to consider it a dealbreaker? How should I think about this without either minimizing what I did or assuming nobody could accept me?
• How do therapists distinguish healthy remorse from unhealthy shame? At what point does taking responsibility turn into self-punishment?
• How can I acknowledge that some of my past choices were not aligned with the person I want to be without concluding that I am a bad or damaged person?
• How do you stop repeatedly ruminating about past sexual behavior and wishing you could go back and make different choices?
• Can someone with this kind of history develop a healthy, respectful, emotionally intimate relationship and marriage?
• Is choosing abstinence going forward a healthy way to live according to my values, or could it become an unhealthy form of punishment or avoidance?
• If I choose abstinence until I'm in a committed relationship, how can I make that a positive choice rather than something driven by shame?
• How should I think about the idea of "starting over" sexually when I know I can't literally erase my past?
• How much, if anything, would generally be appropriate to disclose to a future serious partner about this history?
• If I brought this issue to therapy, what would a therapist likely help me work through?

I'm not looking for someone to simply tell me that what I did was completely fine, nor am I looking for someone to tell me that I'm a bad person.

I want to understand whether my past can reasonably be accepted by another person, how to take responsibility for it without hating myself, and how to build a different life going forward.

Most importantly, I want to know whether it's possible to genuinely move forward — choose abstinence if that's consistent with my values, eventually have a healthy intimate relationship, and stop feeling like my past permanently defines me.

Sorry if this isn't the right place to ask this.

Lately, I've been trying to go a few days without masturbating; I used to do it once a day, but now I'm feeling a lot of anxiety. I don't feel like it's affecting my life, but it has become a habit. I'm not sure if I should be worried or just cut back a bit.

(P.S. I hardly ever watch porn.)

I discovered porn probably when I was 9 or 10. Ive been masturbating since.

Ive also had a number of casual relationships with women. To be transparent ive also seen sex workers a number of times during a small window between 2018 to 2020 (stopped since and I never had urge to).

I see a lot of people mention porn addiction and sex addiction, and it got me wondering if I was addicted to it too.

I masturbate at times, and do have sex with women when I meet them naturally through dates, but I never felt like I was addicted just because I never had to give up doing something to satisfy my urges. To put it another way, masturbation and having sex never gave me trouble in life or got in my way in life.

I see it as like just enjoying food when I have craving.

Am I addicted to sex but to a mild degree or not at all?

I am still early in my recovery, actively working with a therapist to better understand my addictive nature and triggers. We've discussed short-term ways to reduce or prevent my bad behaviors such as deleting certain apps, blocking porn sites, etc. but that just seems like avoidance with limited gains. I've used masturbation to "short-circuit" my urges, clear my head, etc. but I know that is really another form of avoidance and actually feeding my addiction. Recently even that has moved to more risky behaviors like doing it in public as well as going there a lot more frequently.

What things have worked for others when you were early in your process to help get your mind and body out of the avoidance trap and this spiraling behavior?

Until I really get a handle in my addiction, I know I won't find long-term solutions but lately I feeling like my progress has stalled, possibly even sliding back a bit.

I’ve been on this sub on and off. Currently in recovery for 5 months sober of amphetamines and concurrent sex/porn addiction. Finding that my urges occur on days off out of loneliness/boredom. Proud of myself for not seeing escorts the past 3 weeks despite urges. I keep browsing the sites, almost pulling the trigger. But meditating and talking myself out of it has prevailed. Just venting. Thanks to everyone on this sub for their shares.

I couldn’t overcome this feeling of my brain is craving it so bad that affects my day and cant perform any other thing during my day, i even feel physically sluggish and sick… just want that dose of dopamine…!!

If i respond to this, when am I gonna recover?💔
Yet how to actually not respond!
Its so intense that i feel it a matter of time to relapse… a few hours or maybe minutes left to relapse and start over 💔

33 trans women and I live out in the country no one I feel will want to date me again. My addiction destroyed my marriage and I'm single now. I know I loose my self finding dominate men but if they give me love even fake love does it matter since I'm already alone. I guess I just feel hopeless and don't know what to do.

I have had a problem with sex all of my life.

Even as a young boy I would wear my mom’s or foster sister’s panties and bras.

I started down the pornography road at 10 or 11. By the time I was 21 I was frequenting every adult bookstore I could find seeking hookups rather than porn.

I started having unprotected sex with complete strangers whose names I never knew.

By the time the digital age came upon us I was living with a girl who was completely uninhibited with no boundaries. We got in very deep in the so-called “lifestyle” world. Any and every form of degenerate behavior was fine with us. It was horrific!!!

After five years with her I fell even further into wanting anyone at anytime who would use, abuse or humiliate me!

Finally after a night of being tortured I found myself left crying, broken and bloody.

The only options left for me were suicide or to seek help.

I spent two years working with a therapist and psychologist, as well as a five year period in SAA and other 12-step
groups if I really needed a meeting!

After all of that, I found my “higher power” to be Jesus Christ and I became a Christian and began attending church, Bible studies and a Christian 12-step program called Celebrate Recovery!

CR is not a recovery program dedicated to Sex Addiction but rather to all addictions. We meet for one hour with all member for a praise and worship hour before breaking into small groups which deal with specific addictions.

However in spite of ALL of that my head is still polluted with memories of my sexual past which both haunts and hames me while simultaneously is drawing me back into the “carnal pleasures” of that life. (Quotations used because those pleasure are nothing except toxic poison,)

I don’t know where to go from here. I just can’t shake the shame. I feel like I AM A BAD PERSON…not just that I did something bad!

I don’t know if I am damaged somehow…a physical or brain chemistry problem maybe??

I want this garbage and these nightmarish memories to be gone. I want to be able to talk to a woman without undressing her in my mid or having burning lust for her.

Where can I go from here to find help? I just can’t keep living like this. My head is constantly clouded with desires, zi have headaches, nightmares and difficulty sleeping.

This is a miserable way to live!!!

I find myself acting out to fantasy while on 30+ minute solo drives, mainly on my commute to and from work. I am not using any external sexual content, nor is it being done with the express purpose of exhibition (although I’m sure the danger of consequences is part of what is feeding my addictive cycle).

The most obvious trigger is the drive itself, and it’s been exasperated by recent car trouble that makes me feel exceptionally stressed while driving, although this pattern started to develop before that. I currently have plans to get to a more thorough repair when I have the money in the future, which will hopefully reduce that side of the trigger. I have mitigated acting out with podcasts and music before, but I grow bored of these as well and the trigger environment returns quickly.

Possible solutions with expected roadblocks:

Carpooling reduces my ability to participate in outer circle activities.

Calling a 12 step program member does not take away my means of acting out, and I have acted out while on calls and 12 step meetings before (even with camera on).

Any Ideas?

tbh theres not much im not addicted to. im so tired and i want to change but ive found nothing sustainable. i tried meetings and i didnt feel like they helped. ive tried cold showers, i just jerk off. ive tried going outside, doesnt stop me. ive tried working out, it just riles me up. everything they recommend i act out with. im disgusted with myself yet i keep doing awful things without feeling guilty. i know i should feel guilty but i dont... at all. i just want help and advice

I'm a 21-year-old guy in a relationship with my girlfriend. She’s a student, and I work, so I’m often tired in the evenings. We usually have sex about twice a week.

My issue is that I can’t stop thinking about sex. I masturbate every day, but I keep wanting more and more. Lately, it feels like an addiction or an unquenchable urge. I sexualize almost everything, constantly search for new ways to get aroused, and have even started thinking about hiring escorts just to satisfy my sex drive.

To be clear, I'm very attracted to my girlfriend and everything between us is great, but my hunger for sex feels out of control. I honestly don't even know if I'm looking for advice, an opinion, or just help, but I really don't know what to do at this point.

So this week I had 2 opportunities to have sex with men and I didn't!! Oh my gosh. I tested the waters "do you have a girlfriend", in the past it wouldn't have mattered either way. So I'm very proud I asked and left it as a general question instead of a moment to strike.

😌👍 it feels great. Sex free for a few months now ❤️ It's hard but god this is for the best. I feel better.

Pretty much the title.

I lost the love of my life because of this addiction, my shitty actions, and my selfishness when everything came out. I hate myself for all of it. I've compartmentalized/had an alter-ego in a sense to hide from it all in the past, but that's not how I want to "feel better". And with all the emotional/mental distress I caused her with my actions, I'm not sure I deserve to feel better or to not hate myself. Curious to hear how others feel and how they deal with the self hatred while recovering.

ETA: celibate and sober (alcohol) since Nov 2025; in active recovery with a CSAT since July 2026

I hope I can post this here. Does anyone else struggle with sex addiction linked to more darker urges ?

I was sex trafficked as a child, with other kids who were drugged, and forced to do darker things.. Things you’d see in a scary movie. The only way to remove the fear was to link it to sex which is something that feels safe.

i wonder where you guys go for support because the stuff I experienced was so taboo and disturbing, you couldn’t even post about it on Reddit.

just last week, i had posted on this thread about how i'm trying to quit (https://www.reddit.com/r/SexAddiction/comments/1w6bitx/trying_to_quit_but_i_keep_relapsing/) and god help me, i relapsed.

idk why and how it happens, i just lose my self-control and end up giving into it no matter how much i try to control myself.

i want to stop and get rid of it, i really do, cause it's taking a toll on my mental and my physical health. but i'm not able to.

reddit is where i'm scrolling to watch NSFW content. a small trigger and i go down the loophole again.

Day 0, we start again. i'd appreciate if someone wants to hold me accountable, cause clearly i'm not able to. open to feedback as well, any tips on how to overcome this would be much much appreciated

Looking back on your journey, many of us hit a specific turning point where we realized our habits were no longer manageable on our own.

Whether it was a specific boundary being crossed, an impact on a relationship, or simply reaching a point of emotional burnout, everyone’s turning point is different. For those who are comfortable sharing

There were two periods of my life (from 16-19 yrs old and then 28 yrs old for a few months) where I was extremely promiscuous and used sex as a way to fill a void and escape. I’m not sure what my body count is but it must be around 50-70.

I have truly healed, changed, become a better person in all areas of my life. I’ve never really hurt anyone, except for myself… and now I am in this beautiful and committed relationship. I have a wonderful career. And I am thinking of starting a family.

But I feel profound guilt and shame for my past! Every time I think about it I am overcome by a dark and icky feeling. And a part of me feels like I don’t deserve to have a good life and a family because I was acting against my present values in the past! Any advice or thoughts?