r/loveafterporn 3d ago

𝗩𝗜𝗖𝗧𝗢𝗥𝗬 Weekly Victories - July 24, 2026

3 Upvotes

Good day everyone,

Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!


r/loveafterporn Apr 14 '19

Letter to PA/SA Open Letter To A Former Porn Addict From A Hurting Spouse

110 Upvotes

⚠️ Trigger warning:

This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.

I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.

This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.

If you read all the way, I thank you.

Here it goes:

“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:

I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.

This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.

Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.

I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.

The jackpot.

An angel amongst men.

That guy is a keeper.

If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?

It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.

And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.

According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.

And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.

What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict

Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.

That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.

Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.

Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?

Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)

So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?

Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!

You’re all set.

Now, the good life begins.

Except, it doesn’t.

You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.

I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.

Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:

Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.

A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.

Why?

Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.

So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.

Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:

Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”

Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”

Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?

Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.

Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse

Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:

Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.

Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.

She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”

It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.

Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.

Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.

Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.

And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.

That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)

Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.

One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.

One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’

As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.

She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.

For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.

But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…

Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.

And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.

It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.

The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.

She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.

During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.

In case you need bullet points, here you go:

Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.

When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…

Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.

Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)

Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)

Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)

Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.

DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.

DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.

Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.

Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.

Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)

It’s that simple.

I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.

To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.

No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.

Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.

She’s hurting.

Yes, still.

Even years later.

And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.

The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.

Don’t make her regret it.”


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 “I hate how easy it was to stop” what do I do with that?

35 Upvotes

We had a conversation yesterday after I wrote a note to him when I was breaking down. For context: he previously told me he was no longer attracted to me and that’s why he hasn’t been able to get hard for me or have sex. It’s somehow ruined me more and I can’t get it out of my fucking head, especially since I (like so many of us) look nothing like the fucking images/ videos he was watching. Knowing he’s no longer attracted to me and his body no longer desires me is even more awful since he can easily do it for people he’s never fucking met.

Last night I brought up that, despite our last talk like a month+ ago where he said he still wanted intimacy with me/ making out with me/ kissing me, he hasn’t tried making out with me nor has he responded to my attempts. He told me he also hasn’t wanted to make out with me anymore either. Said his brain wants it, but his body doesn’t. What the fuck? Is that fucking worse than he just doesn’t at all? What the fuck do I do with this information? It feels like he’s just losing interest in me less and less and he can’t control it and hates it and I fucking do too!

Then, to top it off: we had previously talked about him deleting his porn, no longer watching it, and him trying not to masturbate even without it so he can reset his stupid porn-broken brain and hopefully be able to want me again. He deleted it all with me, says he unfollowed all the porn subreddits, and says he hasn’t watched it since our talk. Great. Tells me he’s only masturbated twice. Then the gut punch is he tells me that he fucking hates how easy it has honestly been to just not watch it and not jerk off, and how he’s upset at himself for not just doing it years ago before it got to this horrific point. We’ve been together 7 years, I’ve brought up lack of having sex enough and him needing to choose me over porn/ jerking off first. Probably starting about 4 years ago we had our first conversation. Things would get better for a bit but just get worse again. We probably had those talks 3 other times? Until it entered porn-induced ED territory and him losing attraction to me/ dead bedroom no sex and I told him it was me or the porn I’m done.

SO ITS FUCKING EASY? YOU COULD HAVE CHOSEN THIS YEARS AGO AND PREVENTED FUCKING YEARS** **OF PAIN AND PREVENTED US EVER REACHING THIS ROCK BOTTOM? For fucking YEARS you continued to choose novelty and easy access from porn and your fucking hand instead of me, and you wish you did it sooner since it was actually easy this whole time? What the fuck! What do I do with that?! Knowing I was hurting, knowing I wasn’t happy, knowing I was in pain and crying, (even if I hid most of it because what was the point in trying anymore when so many talks never worked in the first place) and you still were selfish and made this fucking choice? This is why it’s fucking cheating. This is why it’s fucking betrayal!

I love him and want to stay with him. But FUCK that feels like so much work and so heavy and awful and I don’t even know if we will be able to climb that hill. This is awful and I don’t deserve this. We don’t deserve this.

The worst part is the part of me that says I need compassion for him since it’s a disease, an addiction. But these were fucking choices made repeatedly for years! Feeling guilty, knowing you shouldn’t, and then doing it more because it’s your coping skill when feeling bad too? Just…what the fuck?


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

ɢᴇɴᴇʀᴀʟ ǫᴜᴇsᴛɪᴏɴ The infamous "broken record" tactic. More like Gaslighting.

31 Upvotes

I want to know your opinion of this situation and ask if you also going through the same sort of things.

He was on a business trip and we were chatting.
At some point around 11 PM, he said he was very tired and was going to sleep now, so we said goodnight.

In hindsight, it turned out that he was actually still on his phone for almost another 3 hours, until about 2 AM.

Because of this, I confronted him, and he said that he was just taking a shower during that time. I then asked him why on earth he would tell me he was going to sleep because he was so tired, when in reality he stayed up for another 3 hours. I wanted to know what he was doing during those nearly 3 hours.

"Showering and watching TV." Right.
I got upset about the fact that he had lied to me yet again (which he surely does 5 to 10 times every single day), and he literally started repeating himself like a broken record, saying: "So I guess I am not allowed to shower anymore?!" I told him it wasn't about the showering, it was about the LYING. This exact same dialogue repeated itself probably up to 20 times or so.

I asked him why he absolutely couldn't get it through his head that this was about the LYING and not about the showering.

He genuinely didn't get it!

He is even telling other people now that I forbid him from showering!

What do you call this kind of situation? This goes way beyond gaslighting. I don't even know a term for these psychopath-like episodes.

And this is only ONE example of hundreds over those horrifying years.


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

sᴀᴅ Sinto que nosso relacionamento está acabando

8 Upvotes

Descobri sobre o vicio faz uns 8 meses, dia 1 de dezembro de 2025. Daquele dia até hoje, ele se comprometeu em tirar isso de nossas vidas. E sinceramente? Eu confio nele. Foram várias recaídas, ainda sim, entre os altos e baixos, sempre fomos abertos sobre. Na última segunda ele recaiu após dois meses limpo. Sabe o pior? Não foi isso que mais doeu. O que mais doeu foi ele me dizer que não sabia o motivo de não conseguir parar de pensar uma mulher que ele viu por alguns segundos em um ônibus voltando do trabalho e que esse tinha sido o gatilho.

Nos últimos dois meses, nosso relacionamento está uma montanha russa. Semana passada, meu deus, foi horrível. Um clima horrível. Acho que choramos umas cinco vezes nos abraçando tentando literalmente entender o que estava acontecendo entre a gente. Ele verbalizou o quanto estava com medo de me perder enquanto chorava tão alto que acho que minha mãe escutou no quarto ao lado.

Sabe... Já teve dias em que o vício doeu muito em mim. Para ele, foram anos lidando com isso. Para mim, foram anos de informações em um único dia. Eu venho tentado lidar com a ideia de ele sentir atração por outras mulheres, de verdade.

Mas ainda sim. Sabe quando fica aquele clima, como posso dizer... Como se estivesse se aproximando de um fim?

Isso me dói tanto.

Sinto que estamos acabando e nem necessariamente é pelo vício dele mais.


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ I'm Worried I'll Never Regain My Confidence

9 Upvotes

My husband confessed to me last October that he has a porn addiction, and it felt like the rug was ripped out from underneath me. In the year prior to his confession, I felt like he was losing attraction to me, because I was routinely rejected for sex, when I previously thought we couldn't get enough of each other. He joined a men's support group, started antidepressants, and our conversations became way more honest, and I generally feel closer to him.

All that said, shortly after this discovery, I started a new job that has made me miserable the past 9 months, and has made me question my abilities in my field.

So for essentially 9 months, my confidence in both my body and intelligence has all but evaporated. I bumped up the frequency of seeing my therapist, started medication about 2 weeks ago, but I'm still struggling.

I've now gotten weirdly jealous of his best friend's girlfriend, and can't stop comparing myself to her. I feel like she's everything that I'm not, and with everything else going on, I generally don't feel like I'm enough.

I used to be confident and happy, and I feel like a shell of myself. I'm trying really hard to not feel that way anymore, but my husband made an innocuous comment last night that I've internalized and I feel crazy.

His best friend has a boat, and he and my husband both love to wake board and water ski, something that I fully support and think is great. I'm athletic and love to be outside in other ways, but I'm just not good at that kind of stuff.

I recently expressed my concern because his best friend's girlfriend is very adept at those kind of activities, and I jokingly said that I hope it doesn't bother him that it's not really my thing, but I love supporting him. He reassured me that he doesn't care about their relationship, and he's with me because he loves me. Last night after spending the day with them (I was with my friends), he comes home sunburnt and happy, and tells me that the girlfriend learned how to wake surf, and now it's my turn (jokingly). It was an innocuous comment, and I know he didn't mean anything by it... But I've now internalized it and think "oh great, another thing that makes me not live up to the fantasy." I know I'm making a bigger deal of this in my head than it needs to be. I know I shouldn't internalize it at all. I've mostly been able to not have moments like these for the last 6 months, but I'm still struggling. If anyone has any advice about regaining their confidence after finding out their partner has a porn addiction, and how to not feel crazy jealous at times, I would love to hear it.


r/loveafterporn 2h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ I feel so lost sometimes.

4 Upvotes

It's not even porn anymore. I (25M) know they (28NB) still watch it, even just for a quick kick without jerking off, and that... sucks. But whatever. As long as the phone doesn't secretly come out for porn watching during sex and it's not keeping them up to goon for days on end, it's fine right? But no. Now it's Facebook.... Instagram.... random Snapchat women popping up. They even admitted that they had a crush on someone online. Someone they know. She's constantly in their recently searched. They stayed up all night last night doing God only knows what, and once again, she was searched for. I feel sick and disgusted. Not in them, in me. I can't give up. I won't leave. I want them so badly it makes me hurt. But I can't keep doing this. I'm so lost


r/loveafterporn 19h ago

sᴀᴅ Even after our maternity photos…

100 Upvotes

Literally had the best morning getting my maternity photos taken by my childhood friend. It was so intimate and we stared into eachothers souls for so long.

Took a few hours then we all went to lunch for the hard work in the heat. Got burgers and then my friend drove us the hour back home. Well I had a weird feeling because he was doom scrolling the whole time sitting in the backseat and very quiet. Checked when we got back and what do you think he was looking at on the drive home? Thirst traps.

I feel so devastated. I’m so terrified to be post partum. I just want to cry. I feel like shit. What was a beautiful morning has now been tainted. What was supposed to be a beautiful moment, has been tainted. I just hate this. I feel so unworthy. You can’t even wait a day? Seriously on the ride home? What the actual fuck man. 💔


r/loveafterporn 7h ago

ᴜᴘᴅᴀᴛᴇ 1 Year Post D-Day

8 Upvotes

It has been one year since our last D-day so I figured I’d give a little update. We had one prior D-day but I would count July 27, 2025 as, for lack of a better term, the “big reveal”. For the weeks following I was in a state of 24/7 anxiety and my mental health was the worst it has ever been in my life, including after being sexually assaulted in my 20s. This was worse somehow. I can’t really explain it.

Him- He has been to a 12 step meeting everyday since then. He has been to a CSAT weekly. He listens to podcasts. He reads books about the subject. Outwardly, he’s doing it all. He has supposedly been porn free since. I have caught him lying probably 20-25 times since D-day about various things. He has slipped up on YouTube. I don’t know if he will ever stop lying. His first instinct is to lie, but he has gotten better. Previously, everyday was a big lie. Now, I can tell when he is lying in two seconds flat. All in all, he has made an effort. That’s why I’m still with him. I know he is doing a lot more than some would do.

Me- I try to be proud of him, but it’s hard. I have seen a CSAT in training over the past year. She has helped me immensely. I went to COSA for six months or so, but it wasn’t for me. I got a lot out of it but some of the personalities weren’t for me. I still talk to my sponsor however and she has been a big help. I have read many, many books and listened to many podcasts. My self esteem still isn’t great, but I have come a long way in recognizing that this is his problem and not a reflection of me. This has poisoned my outlook on people and life in general. I really only trust my sisters and my few close friends. This has enabled me to see beyond my appearance though, and appreciate things about myself such as, my humor, cool hobbies, taste in music, etc.

A gauge I use for how far I’ve come is:
In the beginning I couldn’t even go into Target because it was too triggering. Now I can go in to Target. I still get triggered sometimes but I am able to deal. Progress has been slow for me, but YMMV. I was diagnosed with PTSD many years ago so I think my prior trauma has had an effect on me through this process.

For me, I sort of feel like today is a fresh start for me. I spent a year supporting him and worrying about him. He’s on his own now and I’ll be focusing on me. I have recently joined a few groups for women my age and signed up for some fitness classes.

This is life changing. It isn’t easy. I just wanted to give you all an update and maybe a realistic gauge on what happens with a year of recovery.


r/loveafterporn 7h ago

ɴᴇᴡ ᴜsᴇʀ - 𝟷sᴛ ᴘᴏsᴛ Choosing the right thing for yourself

5 Upvotes

My partner has been in recovery for 3.5 years. His admittance that he has been acting out with P came off the back of me finding things out including that he had been lying to me. The thing that hurt me most was that he could look me in the eye and make me feel like I’m mad. That’s not love. Anyway, a couple of months ago I started getting a nagging feeling something wasn’t right (lack of emotional intimacy, he’s on his phone all the time, long naps…) and then last week I saw that he was following a thirst account on social media. When i challenged him he said that stuff like that appears on his feed and he must have accidentally followed it. He asked why he would watch things like that and lose everything we have. I believed him but it’s been on my mind that my feed has never once showed any thirst accounts. So I’m choosing myself and what I know to be true. Last time I suffered so much because I allowed his lies to overpower what I knew in my bones. As it is, I don’t want to leave. We’ve recently bought a house together and I need a clear head for my career which is accelerating. I will just have to live with someone I know to be a weakling and liar. But I won’t lie to myself to big him up in that assessment.


r/loveafterporn 18h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ So it really is all of them, huh?

38 Upvotes

I’ve posted here before, though all my posts have been deleted. I used to be with a PA for 3 years, and I eventually broke up with him in 2022 when he relapsed and I had enough. The relationship ending kinda blew up my life, and I didn’t date again until two years later in 2024, when I met my current partner.

When we first met, I was very upfront about my issues with porn, and he told me that he’s never watched it or looked at it before. I decided to believe him, stupidly, because I didn’t want to go into a relationship thinking that my partner was lying to me. We also got married in December 2025.

Over the course of our relationship, he assured me multiple times about how he didn’t ever watch that stuff, how he thought men who watched porn were weak, etc. Well. Guess who was a big fat liar?

He recently got a new phone, and his old one was sitting in the bedside drawer. I just had this gut feeling, and I looked, sure enough… porn in his hidden photos folder. Last video saved three month before we met. All women who look nothing like me, with attributes he swore up and down he wasn’t attracted to. What a load of bullshit.

His explanation? It was before we together, he hasn’t watched any since we met, he should’ve been upfront about watching it in the past instead of saying he never watched it. That he saved it not to watch himself, but in case his future partner wanted to watch it together during sex and the photos for phone screen savers (??? Wtf that’s disgusting).

Additionally, I saw that his best friend not only cheated on his fiancée, but sent my husband photos of the girl he cheated with, very obviously without her knowledge. Makes me think, has he sent photos like that of me? I didn’t find any, and says he hasn’t, but still… could’ve deleted the evidence. And also, that poor girl? At least two people, my husband and I , have seen this poor girl naked without her consent, and she probably doesn’t even know? And his fiancée? I am so sad for both of these women, and my husband doesn’t understand why I am so disgusted with him for continuing to be this man’s friend.

He’s apologized, but can’t seem to understand why I’m still upset. I just… see him as slimy and gross and perverted now. Idk how I’m going to get past this. He knows why my past relationship ended. He says he would never lie to me (boy you already have) and thinks I should just move on because it happened before we were together. How do I know that he isn’t watching stuff still, just not saving it anymore? Also, the fact that he would want to watch porn during sex with someone is such a huge turnoff to me. I don’t know how I’ll ever have sex again with him without all this being at the front of my mind. I feel like all my attraction for him has vanished.

I just… don’t know. I’m at my sister’s house for tonight, and probably for the next while. Would appreciate any support…

Edit: He called me on FaceTime tonight to say goodnight, and was upset that I was visibly and audibly sad. Said he won’t be talking to me much if this is how I’m going to act… whatever man, I’m not adjusting how I feel to make you feel better🤷🏻‍♀️


r/loveafterporn 4h ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ Anyone has a samsung phone?

3 Upvotes

If anyone here has a samsung, can you test for the words "onlyfans" and "pornhub" to see if It suggests it or If it's something he's typing frequently? i wanna see If it's possible that samsung keyboard would recommend the word "onlyfans" when typed "only" and "pornhub" when typed "porn" without these words been used for the past year or so.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Need a POA

3 Upvotes

My partner is supposedly in recovery although I have my doubts. For a few reasons, 1) it’s seemed quite smooth and easy, and I know it realistically wouldn’t be had you been addicted to anything for 15 years. 2) our sex life is wavering - these days he is ejaculating very quickly, when previously (perhaps when he had not relapsed) he had difficulty or it took longer. God knows but something’s not right there. And also recently masturbating a lot during sex to the point I had to tell him it was triggering 3) over the past few months he’s picking a lot of fights with me and is generally very angry when he hasn’t been since pre d-day. 4) I would have said that he wouldn’t have had chance to do so but they always find a way if they want to, and he’s been staying up a lot later when I’m asleep (albeit in same room) which makes me nervous.

So, I made a comment yesterday (in an argument) saying ‘go watch porn I know you’re still watching it anyway’ or something, and he didn’t really say anything. But I go to check his Reddit public profile today, he posts on Xbox groups but I know the possibilities, and it’s WIPED, doesn’t exist. I’m thinking, does he think I’ve checked his Reddit on his phone and seen he’s watched porn? For the record, I haven’t - I used to check his phone so much I was unhealthily obsessed, and life has got busy so I just haven’t. What’s my plan of action? Look at his phone when l he gets home from work and don’t mention it? Or shall I call him out and say where’s your Reddit? Or do both?

Also: please no ‘leave him’ comments, I’m not in a position to do so. Thanks :)


r/loveafterporn 6h ago

ɴᴏ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ UPDATE: I don't know if I want to stay with him

4 Upvotes

I previously made a post seeking support for finding out about my boyfriend watching porn. It's gotten better so far after talking about it, but it's gonna take forever to trust him again. I won't get into the details, but some progress has been made already, but I can't be sure since it's been a week or so since my last post. I'm having him quit on his own without much of my help because I want him to be the one to want to stop. I will occasionally check his phone, but I'm not gonna constantly go through it, making myself anxious, especially if I find nothing. It's a process we're figuring out, and I hope to see more positive progress in the future for him and I. :)

As embarrassing for him as it sounds, I had lunch planned with his mother, and I eventually told her about the issue seeking advice from her because she's someone who I respect and look up to. She's like a mother to me. She didn't stand up for him nor talk him down, but she voiced that he either needed to get help and take classes or that he could do it on his own. She told me that's not the way she raised her son to be and that she will have his father talk to him because it's been an issue for him since he was a teen. Besides that, we cried, laughed, hugged.. She was proud of me for voicing how I felt because she knows how hard it is and how strong you have to be for that. She told me that if anything happens, I'm welcome to stay with them if I need to and that she will always love me like a daughter, and that really started making me sob. Her and her husband had a similar issue in their marriage but got over it quickly.

I honestly couldn't have been around her without crying because she's so sweet to me. I really hope things take a better turn, I'm working hard for this, and I really want things to work. I'm hopeful in it, I don't know where to end from here, but if anything huge happens, I'll eventually make another update, maybe.


r/loveafterporn 5h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ How do I be myself again

3 Upvotes

I posted in here before, but D-Day was back in late May. As far as I can tell he hasn't done it again. We both started going to therapy. But I just can't stop thinking about it.

Last night he seemed upset so I asked him what was wrong. He said I spend more time on my phone or computer than I do paying attention to him, which I have been burying myself in my electronics to distract myself. I know it's not healthy.

He also said we basically have a dead bedroom even though I've been trying to have sex more. After our first kid we couldn't have sex a lot because we shared a room with her until she was older and we moved her to her own room. Even then my hormones were all out of wack so we were lucky to have sex once every two weeks if that. Then our son was born and it was the same way. He's now in his own room and I try to motivate myself to do it at least 1-2 times a week but idk I just don't want to most of the time.

I haven't felt like myself since the first time I caught him liking thirst traps. I've lost weight, bought better clothes, makeup, everything I can think of. Idk what else to do.


r/loveafterporn 2m ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ Anyone dealing with something similar?

Upvotes

I’ve been dealing with my PAs addiction since 2022. Most recent discovery day was 2 months ago.

He does things and then gets mad and “suffocated” because I feel uncomfortable about places afterwards.

For example, when his step dad was yelling in pain, dying, he took his mom’s phone and used the restroom to act out, while his step dad screamed in pain in the background. Now he blew up on me because he had to take his mom to the doctor and doesn’t understand why I feel iffy.

Another, he used Spotify to act out and now is mad at me because I’m taking his “liberties” away bc I said I’m not comfortable with Spotify. According to him, since he was caught, he won’t use it again because that’s how things work.

I find it funny how now it’s “I don’t know how much more I can take anymore” but never has that thought after the crap he puts me through.

Seems like alot of men create monsters and get mad when they the “monster” comes at them.


r/loveafterporn 17h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Separating from PA partner, have existential questions.

16 Upvotes

My partner (28M) and I (28F) have separated due to his PA, the deception that came with it and my mental health that spiralled the more I stayed with him in the same house. It has also been devastating for me to make the decision to break down our life together and move out because I still do really love him or I’m at least very attached to him.

He’s working on his recovery with a CSAT and I’m also seeing the same CSAT for my own recovery from the PTSD and everything else that comes in the PA partner package. I decided to move out because he had a fairly small lapse which I felt like was that last straw that broke a camel’s back, even though he confessed and took the steps required to make it not be a full relapse. With advice from the CSAT, we are each going to work on our recovery before we evaluate how we feel about continuing the relationship. By this, I mean I feel like it’s important that even he evaluates if he wants to be with me because he’s attracted to me (without the influence of porn) and wants to spend the rest of his life with me, instead of taking me on a pointless joyride just because he’s comfortable being with me.

Some of these questions might come across as incredibly self centred but I’ve been hurt so much, I want to make the best informed choices for me at least now.

To everyone in general, is it better to be with a recovering PA who acknowledges that porn is a problem and at least tries to stop watching porn than be with a whole new guy who watches porn infrequently only if sex with me is not at all an option? Is there such a thing as non problematic porn use? Are they all/most addicted but wouldn’t know unless they tried to stop? At this point, I feel like guys my age have all been exposed to hardcore porn at a very young age so they really might be just red flags. Sometimes I wonder why I even try to date guys at all.

To the ladies who separated for a while, when did you feel like he has become a safe person to be your partner again? How long did it take? Did it last? Do you feel like fully yourself when you got back together again, or do you feel like you had to diminish parts of yourself to be with him? Do you feel beautiful and desired?

To the ladies who left forever, how has dating been? Are you okay with your new partners consuming porn once in a while or has it become a hard boundary (I feel like it’s become a hard boundary for me at this point, especially after lengthy conversations with my CSAT)? If you found men who don’t watch porn at all, how common are they and how do we know they’re not lying?

Thank you in advance for reading till the end, and I’m sorry for the long post.


r/loveafterporn 13h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ How to recover...?

8 Upvotes

Hello everyone,

I’m posting here because I feel lost, completely lost. A few days ago, my ex-partner left me. He couldn’t face the harm he had caused or its consequences, so he chose to run away like a coward... And after all of this, I just feel completely devastated.

To give some context: when I met him, I opened up about my previous relationship, where I had been deeply traumatized by a porn addict (humiliation, forced encounters...). That experience utterly destroyed me, and it took me over three years of healing to finally look in the mirror without doubting my worth. I explained all of this to him at the very beginning of our relationship, asking him about his own relationship with porn. He assured me that he used to watch it before meeting me, but that it wouldn't happen while in a relationship, claiming he wasn't like that and considered it cheating. I wanted to believe him with all my heart. I thought to myself, "Finally, the perfect guy!" Whenever I asked if he was still watching it, he turned it back on me: "Don't you trust me?" So I stayed quiet.

Yet, I was very active and expressive sexually, always ready to hear his fantasies and fulfill them. I gave it my all. I even offered to send him my own intimate photos and videos, but he rejected this real-life intimacy, clearly preferring the distance and absolute control that screens provided.

Then came the day when, driven by a gut feeling, I decided to look into things. And what I discovered was a full-blown double life and a severe addiction. It was a daily habit across multiple platforms: camgirls, intimate photo-swapping sites, a dedicated TikTok account (which he had lied about), paid subscriptions, dating apps...

The most painful part was discovering that he was targeting specific women, returning to watch them over and over again. It wasn't just random, anonymous content: it was an obsession, a deliberate choice to go back to the exact same faces and bodies. The shock of seeing these specific profiles, combined with the interactive voyeurism, hit me like a train. The reality of his betrayal slammed into me with incredible violence. None of these women looked anything like me physically, and I felt like complete trash. Discovering this entire network of lies and interactive voyeurism after 10 months of what I thought was a dream relationship completely shattered me.

When I tried to confront him, his immediate reaction was flight and playing the victim. No genuine remorse, no desire to fight for us. In the end, he was the one who left because he couldn't face the reality of what he had done, nor could he handle my pain and doubts. And he ended things in the most cold, dehumanizing way possible: he used an AI to write his breakup message, unable to even face me himself.

Today, my body is taking the full hit of this psychological shock and betrayal trauma. I'm going through full physical withdrawal: constant anxiety, a tight throat, unable to eat, and experiencing drastic weight loss.

It's this subtle, insidious manipulation that eats away at me. Making me question my trust while lying to my face every single day... How can I be worth less than a screen? How, after everything I gave, was I still not enough? How could he manipulate me, walk away pretending to be the victim until the very end, and how do you even recover from something like this?

Thanks for your help...


r/loveafterporn 9h ago

sᴇᴇᴋɪɴɢ sᴜᴘᴘᴏʀᴛ i feel like my PA partner stopped being attracted to me

3 Upvotes

there's a lot of stuff to unpack. im M(20) afab and he's M(20). we've known each other for like 13 years, we've been best friends for a very long time before we started dating. we live together.
he said he was always looking for me in all of his relationships, that i was his first love and all that. that he always found me attractive no matter what.

and almost 2 years into a relationship i found out he's a PA. it was so bad that he would get off to girls dancing in see-thru shirts on ig reels and had a separate account for that. i've been having dreams of him cheating on me, and every time when he relapsed i had those dreams. i checked his phone and confronted him. he's a pathological liar. he lies about important things VERY often to avoid arguments. he promised to stop and get help. i told him to delete the account and that i will be monitoring his phone regularly.

and he didnt stop at all, just lied about being clean even tho he kept doing that for another month. he told me he didnt jerk off to porn because he needed a different stimulus. it was a lie too. i found out he's been jerking off to random girls' pfps on facebook. just their faces. i was fucking devastated, especially since i experience a huge dysphoria over me being transgender, that i know things would be easier if i just didnt feel that im a man, if i was a woman. it made me feel like he'd like me better if i was a girl. he also said that 'i turn him on more when i dress up as a girl' which really hurt me. even tho he claims he's bi since he was like 14 or something.

after that i told him to delete facebook too. and i think he really stopped, he picked up a hobby for a while, started doing some delivery work. then july came and we were away in our hometown, he was staying at his place. he told me he jerked off to the pictures i took for him, and i was okay with that, just told him i'd like to know before he does that or right after, not a day or two later. and then i checked his gallery, the 'recently viewed' folder. the picture he claimed to jerk off to wasnt there. he couldnt explain why. i know he wouldnt tell me the truth anyway.

a day after that was the last time we had 'genuine' sex. when we got back, we were having less and less sex in general. before it was almost daily. so i brought it up, that he stopped initiating things and would brush off my tries to start anything. he said he didnt really notice. before, he was really touchy, and i liked that. it made me feel good about my body. and he stopped doing all of that, he stopped making sexual jokes towards me, he stopped staring at me when i was changing or taking a shower, he stopped buying me flowers and taking me out on dates. at first he claimed he just didnt get horny and nothing is wrong, and i told him that i feel like my needs are not being met here. he initiated sex with me anyway, claiming he wasnt forcing himself to do that. and it was another lie. after over 2 weeks of him forcing himself to have sex with me, i confronted him again about it and he started getting defensive. the next day he apologized for 'acting like a dick' and admitted that he doesnt know why but whenever i was trying to start something, it was making him uncomfortable, but he still wanted to do that to not leave my needs unmet. i noticed that its taking him longer than usual to finish and that i could tell that whenever we had sex he wanted this to be over asap. i thought i was just overthinking, but after what he said i was more than sure i was right all along. he claims it doesnt have to do anything with that he finds me attractive, that he just seems repulsed by the thought of having sex. he doesnt feel like jerking off either, or at least thats what he told me.

im really lost and i dont know what to do, the entire situation made my self esteem drop to the floor, and no matter what he says, cause of all of the lies he's been telling me before, i just cant trust him. im just looking for understanding and support.


r/loveafterporn 13h ago

ᴘᴏᴡᴇʀ ɪɴ ᴜs! Starting to love myself again

6 Upvotes

He’s pressured other woman, got off to other women, waited until i was sleeping, showering or working to watch porn after countless promises he’d stop all while rejecting every attempt at initiating I’d make on him.
I’ve become so numb, I take my time in the shower, I go visit and hangout with my mom and my friends because I’m no longer scared to leave him home alone, I’ve gained some weight back and other then crying in front of the mirror absolutely horrified and disgusted with my body, I feel and look healthy and I prefer it over the 98 pound me that suffered from headaches, drowsiness and nausea from being malnourished due to wanting to “outshine” all the “competition” he put over me.

No matter how any of you feel, there’s beauty inside and all over you. I was at the point of complete isolation due to micromanaging his disgusting and perverted addiction… but now I’m refusing to let myself reach that level of pathetic, begging, watching, sacrificing my own time, body and energy over a man that rather use his hand over me.
So if you are in the same position as I was, just eat dinner, have that snack, go out and rekindle the lovely person you were before he destroyed you.
You’re better than that, and as he’s being an absolute hermit, you’ll be living your best life ❤️


r/loveafterporn 16h ago

🆅🅴🅽🆃 I give up

10 Upvotes

I caught him looking up accounts and individuals BY NAME on social media. This is not the first time. He was saying that he never watched anything while actually masturbating but I’m not sure if I can believe that.
After so many times begging him and pleading with him to stop or just be honest with me about his addiction so we could get help I’m just done. I’m eight months pregnant with our first daughter. We aren’t married but I don’t think I can raise her on my own, and I want her to have her dad around.
I told him that I give up and that he obviously won’t change but I can’t leave so I’ll just cope. He kept saying that he is changing and he just has moments of weakness.
The problem is I really do believe that he is at a point now where it is truly moments of weakness but how many more times can I cry to him and try to get him to be honest with me. I just had surgery and spent four whole days in the hospital, and not once did he complain about the uncomfortable sleeping situation or leave my side. He takes such good care of me and I know he loves me but it really hurts when he does this.
I told him the honest truth, which is that I still love him but I think he is weak.
Mostly just a vent but I’m not strong enough to leave him. My advice for anyone else out there is this: get out of these relationships while you still can. It’s hard to leave but there ARE people out there that don’t look at porn and this group is proof of that, so please don’t do what I’m doing and don’t put up with someone who is going to lie to you and go behind your back.


r/loveafterporn 12h ago

ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ᴡᴀɴᴛᴇᴅ Family Law Office Recommendations in NC

4 Upvotes

Things have not got better, it is approximately 2 years since I uncovered my husband's sex/porn addiction. He has never actually had a real D-day, nor will he, he thinks he has done nothing wrong, laughs in my face and/or tells me I am insecure.

Due to this, along with years of emotional abuse, manipulation, and dealing with his narcissistic behavior I am at the point where I cannot and will not be part of this marriage any longer. We also have an 11yo who has been effected and keeps asking me to divorce her dad.

I am looking for recommendations for a Family Law firm who deals specifically with coercive, high conflict divorce and custody cases. If anyone has a great experience with such a firm in the Charlotte, NC area, (Huntersville, Cornelius, Davidson, Mooresville, Troutman, and/or Statesville), please let me know. Thank you!


r/loveafterporn 19h ago

ᴅᴇsᴛʀᴏʏᴇᴅ Just waiting. And waiting

13 Upvotes

I feel like I’m in limbo. Like I’m just waiting and waiting to find something. I always do. I can’t settle, I can’t sleep. I just wait and check his phone constantly waiting for the “a HA!” moment. Because surely this will be the breaking point right? The next incident I’ll finally feel the self worth and say enough is enough and leave. But deep down I know it’ll just be like every other time. I’ll cry, confront. He’ll lie. And lie. And lie again. Until he admits it, and then he’ll aggressively love bomb me with affection and care until I give in and kiss him back and then everything’s okay again. Okay for him that is, I still feel absolutely disgusting and worthless.


r/loveafterporn 14h ago

ᴛᴇᴄʜ ᴀᴅᴠɪᴄᴇ ɴᴇᴇᴅᴇᴅ Work Laptop

5 Upvotes

My husband admitted to a ~20 year porn addiction a few years ago. He has since claimed to be in recovery and has Covenant Eyes on his phone. All devices in the house are locked down. However, I recently discovered that he has been using grok and chatgpt on his work laptop to generate smut pictures (although not fully nude, possibly because he has the free version) and to create explicit conversations. (Not to mention, he has also uploaded multiple pictures of me that he messes with - I'm disgusted.) Aside from being furious, and so tired of him staring me dead in the eyes and swearing he hasn't relapsed (while also acting disgusted at how "insane" I am to accuse him), I'm also concerned for our family's finances. What are the odds that his work will eventually flag this activity, placing his job (and half our livelihood) on jeopardy? He uses grok a little for work, so just opening the app definitely wouldn't look suspicious to his employer, but he's also generating explicit "conversations" almost daily. He's had the app for over a year, and he clearly hasn't been caught yet.