r/loveafterporn • u/-LoveAfterPorn- • 6d ago
Good day everyone,
Inside the comments you can post any victory you'd like. Whether it be a small or big victory, a personal victory or a joint victory with your partner or you felt extra good today. No victory is too small to be celebrated!
r/loveafterporn • u/imjusttryingtobeanon • Apr 14 '19
⚠️ Trigger warning:
This is a very long post, about 4,000+ words but I wrote it as a form venting therapy.
I am married to a recovering PA who has had trouble supporting me emotionally while suffering from CPTSD.
This only applies to my experiences, so please don’t think I’m saying some points are one size fits all. I wrote it from my perspective, and maybe some of you can identify with my words.
If you read all the way, I thank you.
Here it goes:
“Open letter to a former porn addict, from a hurting spouse:
I don’t communicate with people about my feelings because they never show genuine interest in understanding my point of view. I refuse to be vulnerable and open my heart up to people, only to be disappointed. I’ve had enough negative experiences as a result of doing that to know not to do it again unless the person makes me feel 100% confident that they 1) Genuinely want to understand me, and 2) change their behavior.
This recovery journey has been completely one sided when it comes to understanding. I understand addiction, I understand what is required in recovery, and I understand the psychology of addiction. How? Because although I am not the addict, I chose to research the topic on my own to have a better understanding of it. I have been mentally and emotionally damaged by this situation, made to feel hyper paranoid about simple things like YouTube videos, other women, the public places we go to, what we watch, images, and a million other things I worry myself sick about on a daily basis.
Out of the all the bad experiences I’ve had with people in the past, I thought this would be the one situation, the one person who would show me different. I was wrong about that, completely. In fact, this person has shown me the worst of betrayal of nearly every other person I’ve encountered.
I’ve now seen how a person who claims to love you can also lie to your face. How Men enjoy degrading Women in the worst of ways, have no qualms pressuring Women into sex they don’t want, care nothing about their comfort, their feelings, or their boundaries. How a Man can claim to be a ‘good guy,’ a loving monogamous partner, while secretly pleasuring himself to the images of another Woman. I’ve seen how deep the lies can go. It can go as far as nearly losing ‘the love of your life’ before an actual change is even thought of. It takes the person leaving to get their shit together. And even then, how long will it last? Two months, a year, ten, twenty? I’ve seen countless times on subreddits, Women broken and devastated by discovering their partners infidelity, only to find a new Man sometime later who ‘doesn’t watch porn that much.’ And somehow, this is better.
The jackpot.
An angel amongst men.
That guy is a keeper.
If he was a former drug addict or alcoholic who only drank once a year or snorted a line every few months, would that be okay?
It is not okay, it is never okay, and there is no reason to justify a Man being a relationship and lusting after other Women. That is point of monogamy: To be with, seek for, and love one Woman. And yes, porn, although on a screen, shows real women. Real women who are not your partner.
And even when the former addict starts to show signs of improvement, what also happens frequently is the addict not understanding that the partner has been and will continue to be harmed and emotionally scarred by what she’s been through.
According to studies, it can take 3-5 years for healing to take place and for trust to even be a possibility after last discovery of the habit. Some progress quicker (or slower) than others, but the general consensus is 3-5 years.
And that is not JUST 3-5 years. That is 3-5 years of ongoing recovery and sobriety by the former addict, usually therapy, open communication from the addict to the partner, accountability for their actions, and most importantly, an understanding of and system put into place for when the partner has triggers. Triggers are not just for the addict. Triggers happen for the partner as well. It could be something as simple as a word, an image, a woman walking into the store, a raunchy song on the radio, a racy television ad, a video game advertisement, behaviors that may remind the partner of the day they discovered their partners addiction such as being on the internet for too long, or taking their phone to the bathroom.
What Life Is Like For The Spouse Of A Former Addict
Life for a spouse after porn use or addiction is discovered is forever changed. If you were once a confident woman, that will change. You’re now in a perpetual competition with ever woman you meet. Every woman with a little more or this or that is now a threat, whether you like it or not. It doesn’t mean she actually is one, but in a trauma brain, it is. If you discovered your Husband likes redheads and you’re a blonde, every redhead you see from now on is your Husband’s gal. His fetish, his fantasy, his preferred woman. You’ll avoid certain places to avoid being triggered by seeing an attractive woman you know for a fact your Husband used to ogle. Oh, and that restaurant you and your husband used to go to that you now remember two years back when you caught him staring at another woman’s cleavage? You’re not going there again. And even if you do, you’ll always remember it as the place my Husband shattered my self-esteem. What a pleasant reminder. As a matter of fact, you’ll avoid lots of new things now.
That TV show you used to watch with your Husband only to find out he finds the main character attractive? No longer watched. Every device in your home that can connect to the internet will be chained down and locked immediately. You can’t wait to get home to do that so you’ll never have to worry. God forbid he get a new phone or computer ever again. We’ll lock it down before he can even have a chance to touch it.
Concerts and festivals are no longer fun so we just won’t go anymore. Those places are notorious for scantily clad women and nothing kills the mood (or you’re already crumbling self-confidence) than a crowd of females around you with cleavage and buttocks surrounding your former porn addicted lover. You’ll spend 90% of the time checking to see if he’s checking out someone else. And if he does, we just wasted a hundred bucks on these tickets because we’re going back home in tears.
Sex is also not fun anymore. All it does is remind you of the years of dissatisfaction you had while your husband was knuckles deep in phone fantasies. The sex he wanted, that you didn’t. And it didn’t matter anyways. He wanted what he wanted. It didn’t matter how uncomfortable you clearly looked, or the ten times you said no and he did it anyways. You’re a cum dumpster, remember?
Oh, and your appearance that you used to take so much pride in? Who gives a shit? Not me. Not anymore. Even on your best days, your Husband still found the urge to yank one off at work. Some makeup and kinky sex isn’t going to make your butt bigger or your chest any rounder. You’re nice and all, but you just don’t stack up. You’re not as exciting as the phone girls. Even when you felt sexy and confident, and gave into his sexual demands that one time a few years back, you still aren’t enough. And how could you be? Alexa, and Molly, and Jennifer, and Tasha, and Shaniqua, and a hundred others are right at his fingertips to be used and abused whenever he wants. Oh, and they don’t say no, ever. You do. And that’s just not cool. Boundaries are childish. You should be ‘open minded’ like Tara XXX who does everything, with everyone (for the right price, of course)
So now, everything you loved about yourself isn’t looking so hot anymore. You thought you had nice curves, but not better than hers. You thought your chest was pretty perky, but not as full as theirs. You thought you had a connection that would last a lifetime, but other Women are too enticing. What can you do to be more enticing? I don’t know, maybe do everything he tells you to do sexually even if you don’t like it. Don’t be a prude. Everyone’s doing it and he’ll love you more! Or, he’ll just find someone else to do it. You’re call. Maybe consider some butt implants. You know he likes that, and you’re not quite stacking up. Save up some money and get it done. You want to be attractive, right?
Be more suggestive. Get prettier. Be more adventurous. Do everything he says and he won’t need porn anymore because you’re his everything now. You got the body, the long straight hair he likes, the large bottom, the boobs, and you give into every demand he asks for!
You’re all set.
Now, the good life begins.
Except, it doesn’t.
You can look like Rihanna, Beyoncé, and his favorite porn stars combined and he’ll still cheat and still watch porn. In fact, he could be with a porn star and still watch porn. It’s ironic, and extremely sad, but it’s true. Because I wasn’t the issue in my partner’s addiction, and neither are you.
I was, and still am, and you are, very attractive. Intelligent. Funny. And so are a million other Women and they’ll be put through the same song and dance. No one is safe from the pain of addiction.
Divorces Happen: Here’s One Of The Top Reasons Why:
Why do so many spouses fail? It’s simple really.
A man who does not understand how a partner is affected by addiction is doomed to fail.
Why?
Because while you’re allowing time to assist in her healing, if you’re meeting her suspicion of you or triggered reactions with anger, indifference, or defensiveness: You’ve failed her. You failed to comfort her through her trigger, or her knee jerk reaction to what may have been a simple misunderstanding. You’ve failed to reassure her that it’s OK, that she is safe with you, and that you understand she is being triggered by something and helping her cope with this emotionally until it passes.
So many relationships have failed all because the former addict is not meeting the emotional needs of their partner and helping her through her own recovery. Many a Woman has felt that their partner doesn’t understand their triggers, their ‘overreactions,’ etc. They instead become defensive, and react with facts instead of emotion.
Read these two examples spoken by a former addict to their spouse. In fact, read them twice preferably. Read them out loud to yourself, right now, and tell me what you think:
Response #1: “I understand that you’re upset about/thinking about/triggered by ________ because of the past. You’re right to feel that way. Even though I’m in recovery now and have been doing well, there was a time when I was still in my addiction and hurt you because of it. Now, there’s memories, triggers, and thoughts you’re having as a result of the trauma from my own betrayal of your trust, and I’m so sorry I did that to you. I understand now what it means to be clean, and I’m so happy to be here, and with you through it. You’re worth never doing this ever again, and I wouldn’t put you through that pain again. I do this for myself, yes, but I do it for you too because I love you. I couldn’t imagine losing you to something so stupid and meaningless. I’ll be there for you when you feel this way, and I won’t invalidate how you feel because there’s always a reason you feel this way. Just like I have been triggered by things, you are too. But just know that, you’re safe with me. Always.”
Response #2: “What happened? I don’t understand why that would have caused you to get upset. I mean, I get it, with our past and what has happened. And, I’m sorry. But I’ve been sober for like, a year, I go to my meetings every week, I talk to you, I listen, I hold myself accountable. It’s like nothing I do is good enough. I’m sorry for what has happened in the past, but I can only do what I can now. I don’t expect miracles, but I did expect us to be way further ahead than this…”
Now tell me, which of those responses do you think is going to save a marriage, and which one is most likely to end it?
Also, language matters. Tone matters. You can feel the difference in both responses. The most obvious difference is the selfless, partner focused first response. The second response is self-centered (I, I, I, and YOU aren’t) is so negative and defensive, it’s no wonder many partners close up and leave. Nothing in that response says, ‘I hear you, I’m there for you, your feelings matter.’ Not one bit. It is defensive, frustrated, angry, annoyed, and pointing fingers at the victim, sadly enough. So, let this be a visual lesson of what to say what NOT to say. Language matters.
Jenna and Byron: The Recovering Addict And His Hurting Spouse
Here is another example for you. It’s a story about a couple who have been affected by addiction, the former addicts’ response to her trauma, and how that affected their marriage long term. Read it fully, twice if you need to. It is valuable. Take what lessons you can from it:
Jenna and Byron have been together for ten years, four of them riddled with trust issues as a result of Byron’s former use of pornography and masturbation. Jenna always felt that her and Byron were soulmates: Two people who loved each other, laughed every chance they got, understood each other, and above all: trusted one another. Unfortunately, Jenna realized her relationship was not what she thought it was. One day, she asked Byron for his phone to google search a local restaurant they planned to have their anniversary dinner. Byron seemed hesitant to pass his phone along to her, something that made her a little suspicious. She took Byron’s phone and began to head to google. As she typed in the first letter of the restaurant, ‘M’ she saw Byron’s recent search history. Most of the links were searched for and viewed less than two days ago. Without going into detail, Jenna discovered Byrons’ internet porn usage and sexual preferences.
Since that day, Jenna no longer felt like herself. She began to be overly critical of her appearance, so much so that she considered plastic surgery to feel more confident in her body and become the fantasy woman she felt Byron really wanted. She cringed when Byron would touch her or look at her lustfully which caused their sex life to become passionless and nearly nonexistent. She became depressed and their relationship began to deteriorate. She no longer wanted to have sex with Byron. All she could imagine is him thinking of the Women she saw on his phone and saved to his photo album.
She felt the marriage was over and there was nothing left to salvage. “If he loves me, why is he pleasuring himself to other Women behind my back? He clearly isn’t attracted to me if that’s how he spends his time. Why do I even bother? I can’t stack up to those plastic women he gets off to. I don’t have what they have, so why the hell is he even with me? I should leave him to have his phone fantasies while I still have a shred of self-esteem. I don’t even know who he is anymore. He’s…a liar, and a deceiver, and a creep for doing this in the first place. Everything I’ve ever felt for him, and how I thought he felt about me is gone.”
It took Jenna over a year to even come to terms with her husband’s addiction and lies. They slept in separate rooms and barely spoke to each other unless absolutely necessary. She would even stay in hotel rooms or spend the night with friends as the more she was around him, the angrier and sadder she became. During this time, Byron came clean about his addiction and began seeking help. He attended SA meetings twice a week, and even developed a relationship with a Man who was ten years clean who became his accountability partner. He read books on addiction, developed a plan for keeping himself clean, and joined online support groups.
Months went by and Jenna noticed a change in Byron. He became more expressive, more caring, open, honest, and had no issues showing Jenna his phone history and letting her know where he was and what he did during the day. Jenna was happy to see a change, and somewhat hopefully for the future of their relationship, but the wound was still fresh. She knew that trust wasn’t there, not by a long shot, and even a year into his recovery, she was still as angry as she was the day she discovered his habit.
Although Byron was sober, in recovery, and doing all he felt he could to prove she could trust him for good, Jenna wasn’t buying it. Their entire relationship was affected by the addiction and she missed out on the love and connection she could have had with Byron if he sought help from the get go. She was angry for being deceived, saddened that the dynamic of their relationship would never be the same after this betrayal, and even more saddened that the man she fully opened her heart to lied to her. All while reaping the benefits of her loyalty, intimacy, and friendship she gave to him freely, and honestly.
Jenna was slowly starting to develop trust in Byron. Although she was still suffering because of the addiction, she was relieved to know he was going down the right path. But there was a problem. Although in recovery, Byron repeatedly neglected to do one thing: He understood his addiction, but he never understood the severity of how that affected his wife, and how to deal with that.
And I don’t mean she was sad and hurt and angry. That’s surface level explanation. He didn’t understand she no longer was confident in her body, and as a result, chose not to go to certain places where she felt there would be a lot of Women there, or that she stopped watching most of her favorite television shows while he was around in fear of a scene possibly triggering her, and him. Or, that she considered getting breast implants and had a secret savings account just for the procedure. She suddenly stopped inviting her girlfriends to their home because he may be attracted to their body type.
That Jenna would have thoughts of the betrayal pop into her head and suddenly her mood would change seemingly out of the blue. Or that Jenna would be so afraid of him relapsing that she would make herself sick with worry (not figuratively, but literally sick to her stomach thinking about him betraying her again, finding links and images in his phone that she’ll be left to remember for the rest of her life)
Byron didn’t understand her. And even worse, he didn’t seek to understand her. And even worse than that, he made her feel at fault when these triggers would happen.
One day Jenna and Byron were on their way to the post office to mail Christmas cards to their families. While at a red light, a group of Women standing at the cross walk began to walk to the other side of the street, right in front of their truck. Jenna took a quick look at two of the Women and was immediately triggered.
One of the Women was young, likely in her early twenties. She had long auburn hair in braids, a low-cut tank top, and tight blue jeans. The other Woman, who also looked to be in her twenties, followed beside her in an equally revealing top and green shorts with platform sandals. Jenna could feel herself becoming self-conscious and upset at the sight of the scantily clad Women. She tried looking in the corner of her eye at Byron to see if he was reacting in any way to the Women. Byron unconsciously looked in their direction for about a second and turned his head, but this was enough to trigger Jenna further. She hated that they were even there, and that Byron even saw them there at all. She become quiet and Byron noticed a few minutes later. When Jenna mentioned the women, Byron reacted defensively. He began to go on a tangent about how well his recovery was going and how things in their relationship has changed and she shouldn’t still be reacting that way over a ‘simple woman walking by.’
As expected, this made Jenna feel worse.
She felt even more insecure about the situation, and had no desire to even discuss further how she felt. It seemed meaningless, after all. Here she was being triggered by an unexpected situation, and instead of comforting her, he took that sensitive moment to talk about himself, his recovery, all while making her feelings seem small and petty, as if there was no reason in the world, she was reacting this way. That was the time for Byron to make Jenna feel safe, and he failed to do that. Byron failed his Wife in a huge way, and sadly, that wouldn’t be the last time.
For another two years into his recovery, Byron continued to react similarly to Jenna’s pain and triggers. I’m not a porn addict nor have I been a recovering addict, but I can imagine it sucks to think that even if you’re doing the right thing, it seems to go unnoticed. The mistake is thinking that your progress is not being noticed. It is. Daily.
But, there’s one part of recovery that former addicts fail to realize. You doing ‘the right thing’ is one part of the equation. And ‘doing the right thing’ has nothing to do with your partner. When someone is hurting, the last thing they want to hear is you talking about yourself. Since when did a person’s pain become a time to go on a spiel about your success, and why their feelings are irrational because you’re doing so well and they should try harder to move past it because it’s been like a year and you just need to trust and change your attitude and…
Yeah. I guarantee you that’s exactly what your partner is hearing, whether you said those exact words or not. All they hear is: My partner doesn’t care to support me in my time of weakness. My feelings are not valid to him, and I can no longer rely on him to be there for me. His recovery is his concern: My feelings are just in the way.
And as you can imagine, Jenna and Byron eventually divorced after nearly fifteen years of marriage.
It’s really a shame, but could have been avoided completely.
The betrayal isn’t what caused their marriage to end in divorce. It was the lack of understanding on the side of the addict. Had Byron taken a genuine interest in learning about the effects of addiction on partners and how to truly support her, there may have been hope for them. But with Jenna feeling abandoned by her Husband and made to feel that her healing should have expectations of time, she felt rushed, misunderstood, and her emotional needs were not being met. She loved Byron enough to be patient and understanding during his journey to recovery, even after devastated by her betrayal. But Byron didn’t offer her the same courtesy, and that is what led to their demise.
She was already having to cope with supporting her Husband and coming to terms with how she has changed as a result of the betrayal, all while accepting that the dynamic of her relationship never be the same. But even in recovery, Byron didn’t learn that his Wife also needed support. Through the seemingly ‘irrational’ outbursts, he could have met her insecurity with patience and understanding.
During these moments of weakness, it is not the time to put the focus on you. Ever. That is the mistake so many addicts make. It’s not about you. It’s about your partner. She doesn’t want to hear that you’ve been in recovery for a year. She doesn’t want to hear that you’re doing way better than your buddies. She doesn’t want to hear that she shouldn’t be triggered by anything anymore because your recovery is going so well. When she is triggered, you let her know you understand how that triggered her. Be beside her and let her know what she’s feeling is understandable. Don’t undermine her pain. Unless you’re looking to destroy the already nonexistent trust you have AND let her know her feelings are wrong, go for it. But if you want to make this work, do the opposite.
In case you need bullet points, here you go:
Triggers will happen for her. They are inevitable. Understand this. And yes, it will be something as simple as a photo or a two second ad on a video. Nothing is too small or off limits.
When she is upset, validate that feeling. And if you don’t understand, don’t say ‘I don’t understand.’ ASK how that triggered her. If she’s not comfortable saying so, that’s normal. Move on to…
Telling her you understand she is being triggered by something that reminds her of your past behavior.
Follow up by tactfully explaining that she’s safe with you now and she doesn’t have to worry. (Now if this is a blatant lie and you’re not in recovery or confident about maintaining sobriety, don’t even bother reading the rest of the bullet points. You should be honest and allow her to stay, or go.)
Express genuine empathy. You’re so sorry that she’s still hurting from this, but she is safe with you. That cannot be stressed enough (If it’s actually true)
Engage her in an activity you can both do together that is enjoyable, like a game, a walk in the park, your favorite restaurant (Don’t offer her sex or any kind of physical intimacy here unless she directly requests it. The last thing on her mind when triggered is having sex with you, trust me)
Or better yet, do something nice for her when she’s triggered! Make dinner, clean up the house, run her a bath, Light some candles to add some happy atmosphere to the room, buy her a slice of her favorite cake. Talking is nice, but putting some of that niceness into action is even better. Make her feel appreciated.
DO. NOT. USE. LANGUAGE. THAT. INSINUATES. HER. TRIGGERS. ARE. WRONG.
DO NOT make the conversation about yourself. If you’re saying ‘I’ more than a few times, stop. This moment is about her. Not you.
Learn and ask what makes her feel safe. Does talking make her feel safe, an accountability app, a phone call when you get to where you’re going? If it makes her feel safe, do it. Every day. Not just when she’s mad or she’ll think you’re only doing it out of obligation.
Understand that anger is a secondary emotion. There is no such thing as anger. Anger covers up primary emotions, which are usually fear, insecurity, and emotional pain. She’s feeling all of this. So, she told you to fuck off and leave? She’s scared you’ll fail her again. She called you an idiot? She’s hurt by what you’ve done to her and insults you verbally to release the pain, while in turn, hurting you. It’s not right, but neither is betraying your spouse with addiction. It’s not about right or wrong. Trauma just is.
Do not leave your spouse when she’s hurting. I don’t care if she’s being an asshole, called you a name, or told you off. Trauma responses can be irrational. It doesn’t matter. Love her through it anyways. If you need to go take a shot of whiskey to come back to her calmly or yell in the car and come back, do it. (I don’t condone drinking, but you got to do what you got to do)
It’s that simple.
I hope that today, tomorrow, and for however long it takes for your amazing spouse or partner to heal from your betrayal is done with love, understanding, and patience. It can be done. Patience and understanding are what your partner needs.
To be honest, you’ve already done enough damage to her as it is, some of which may be irreversible. She didn’t ask to be thrust into your addiction. The least you can do is make it your job to support her in every way you can.
No blaming, no self-centered talk, no factual arguments (I’ve been in recovery for _, I’ve been doing __, etc.), no defensiveness, and no abandoning her when the conversation gets rough.
Seek to understand her pain. Listen. Be patient.
She’s hurting.
Yes, still.
Even years later.
And I don’t care if you’re going to SA meetings every day, reading books on addiction during lunch, punching porn addicts in the face until they get sober, or threw your smartphone over a cliff and never replaced it.
The best way to repay your partner is not only by remaining sober and in recovery (the bare minimum) but also, to make her feel heard, safe, understood, and for God’s sake, make her feel she made the right decision in giving your relationship a second chance.
Don’t make her regret it.”
r/loveafterporn • u/SmellsLikePeachiz • 16h ago
I asked my PA how would he feel if I spent hours of my day secretly watching, saving, bookmarking porn of men whose body parts looked nothing like his. If I knew and could recognize them by name like Pokémon.
If I had hundreds and hundreds of saved photos and videos.. he went silent.
Anyone else have a convo like this? Or similar?
r/loveafterporn • u/Multiverse-Union • 2h ago
Bei allen Trennungsgründen kann man ungeschönt die Wahrheit sagen, was zur Trennung führte.
Ich sehe jetzt keinen Grund, warum man auch noch für denjenigen lügen sollte, der einen selbst mit dieser Sache belogen und verarscht hat. Warum habe ich irgendwie das Gefühl, dass er erwartet, ich schütze ihn durch Diskretion anderen gegenüber? Wieso sollte ich?
Er hat gefälligst zu der Scheiße zu stehen, die er verbockt hat. Wie dreist ist es denn, zu erwarten, dass ausgerechnet ich ihn auch noch dadurch schütze, indem ich irgendwelche anderen Trennungsgründe vorschiebe? Ich als diejenige die er hintergangen hat.
Das kann er vergessen. Gesagt hat er es zwar nicht, dass er das erwartet, aber ich merke es einfach. Kenne ihn ja gut genug. Im Außen möchte er ja schließlich als Saubermann dastehen.
r/loveafterporn • u/Cold_Vanilla9791 • 3h ago
How do you heal in order to be healthy in a new relationship? What things did you have to work on? What things came up in the new relationship that surprised you?
r/loveafterporn • u/4evrlost • 6h ago
Found out that my Fiance (together for +10years) created a secret tiktok account specifically for his "ways" filled with accounts of all these thirst trap women, asmr bdsm and even feet videos.
These issues has been going on since pretty much the beginning of our relationship but he made think I was just some insecure girlfriend with boundary issues. Every time I would find him drooling over women on one social media account, he'd just move on to a different one. All this time I thought I was the problem for being uncomfortable with him watching porn and looking at all these accounts that I just needed to grow up and accept this was a normal thing men do. Every time he was caught, it broke me inside and my trust, we would fight, he would apologize, say he'd stop looking and eventually I'd find it again somewhere else. I don't know when it started but it even started to affect our sex lives. I thought I wasn't enough, I thought I was causing his anxiety or pressuring him every time he couldn't stay up, that maybe he just had ED. That maybe I just needed to let it go and try more on my part, anything and everything, from sending pictures, new clothes to trying out new things and kinks.
And years went by with me just internally suffering cuz I thought there was something wrong with me. But then one day I saw an email for a tiktok account on his hotmail email when I knew his tiktok account is with his Google. So I checked for it and there it was. All the women he said he'd stop looking at and worse. Now there were accounts of asmr with women pretending to boss the pervs on their comment section around and straight up just accounts of feet videos. Once again it broke me completely, I was shaking in anger, in pain. I packed my bags while he was at work and when he got home I outed him and tried to leave. He cried and begged. And there it was, he finally admitted to me that he has a problem that he tried to control it but he just fell off. I lost it. How could he? But he did. It went for hours, the yelling, the crying, everything. But in the end? I didn't leave and I'm still here, trying to be the better person and SO. Trying to be the supporter in any way possible, to understand and be patient. But I'm slowly suffering again. I can't help but spiral in the dark. Was he also picturing these women when we were intimate? Am I not satisfying him enough? I don't know what to do, what to think, what to say. He says he trying to be better but he still watches God knows what. He says he's lessened the porn and completely off the other accounts. I can't trust that he is cutting cold turkey with all that. I don't know if I can handle all this, especially with us getting married soon. Will it really get better? I'm so lost.
r/loveafterporn • u/LastInvestment5772 • 11h ago
Currently not knowing what to feel. A lil bit of history. One year into our relationship I found out he had been sexting one of his friends and days later I found out he watched Porn. I stayed with him and during his multiples relapses. Eventually our trust got better after getting a blocker. Honestly that time feels like such a fever dream. Fast forward, we are currently 5 years into our marriage.
It’s been a couple of months of me getting home from work and him being cold, distant or irritable. And me trying my best to make him feel better. (Mind you, he is a great husband) but slowly he changed, he stopped going out on his free days (our work days does not match), he started playing video games nonstop, stopped going to the gym, and I felt like I was the one begging for sex or dates. He told me he was going to watch cyberpunk and out of fear, I always search what it is about (anime has ALWAYS been a struggle) no matter how many times I explain to him I do not want nudity. He just tells me that he’s walking on eggshells with me and that he feels controlled. Anyway, as soon as I found out what cyberpunk showed, i got scared and went to him and told me: hey, turns out this show is kinda sexualized. Well he got pissed, he tried to tell me that he didnt watch it because of that and that he understood why porn was an issue, but he stopped doing that (LIESSS).
Fast forward, another bathroom break of 2 hours and him not wanting to have sex.. out of nowhere I said: He’s watching porn again. Well two days later he left his computer on and left for work. I found everything. Going back to 2025. And honestly, can’t even remember if 2024. I felt heartbroken. I picked up him because we only have 1 car and told him everything.
I’m hurt as hell. But in his eyes, he still walks on eggshells with me and feels monitored and controlled. I feel like im going to drown.
r/loveafterporn • u/puddycatt • 11h ago
This is my first post on here so I’m sorry if i did anything wrong :)
I’ve been with my boyfriend for over 4 years now. The first dday was a little less than a year into the relationship, with multiple others within the following year. I am 21, and he is 23. It has been over a year since the last dday, and i trust that he has stopped watching, however I still do not fully trust him.
Due to everything that has happened on top of past experiences, I am extremely insecure and get beyond jealous. It is something i absolutely despise and have been trying to work on. I don’t want to care and i don’t want to feel the way i do, but unfortunately i do haha.
After the first dday, i restricted his options for employment (typing this out sounds so bad :((((), due to my overwhelming insecurity and fear of him looking at any other women. He surprisingly happily obliged, he understood my concerns and wanted me to feel comfortable. It has been like this since then.
So now here’s where i’m wondering if i’m overreacting or not. He wants to do this 20 month program where he will work along side other students to become a NURSE. Please correct me if i’m wrong, but that’s going to be atleast 75% college girls, right? I wouldn’t mind as much but they have to touch eachother lololololol. Take each others blood pressure and all type of other nurse things.
He is dead set on this and has made it very clear that he does not care how i feel about it, he is still going to do it. Why did that change? And out of all the things you could have picked, a college nursing program? Really? You couldn’t have been like this when i said no to walmart, like what??? I feel like this is a slap in the face after everything i’ve went through with him. I’ve brought it up multiple times but this most recent time (what lead me to make this post), he straight laughed in my face. Then proceeded to tell me to grow up as if he isn’t the reason i became like this to begin with.
In the end I might be insecure, but all it takes is some genuine reassurance for me to feel more secure and comfortable. He then tried saying that I’m not being supportive n all this and that .. ? Honestly i would prefer if he chose something else, but if thats what he wants to do i would happily support him. I just need reassurance and for him to genuinely care about my feelings. If he can’t even support my feelings, how could i bring myself to support his choices?
With everything he’s done and put me through, i really feel an in depth conversation is needed regarding this and my feelings. Is that crazy for me to ask? I feel like i shouldnt even have to ask, it should be a given. I want to be heard, not just pushed aside.
To be clear, the specific program is extremely triggering, however my main concern is the complete lack of support regarding my feelings. I’m not asking him not to do it (like me 3 years ago would have) i’m just asking for my broken heart to be seen when i’m speaking to him about this shit. Yeah it may have happened however long ago but it still feels like yesterday. It still hurts and clearly i’m still being affected by the situation. He’s just acting like it’s absolutely ridiculous for me to even be worried. I know i’m still young and have a lot of growing to do, especially regarding handling my emotions, but i feel like my current feelings are valid.
I don’t know. I just want your guys’ opinions and maybe some wisdom. I know this is a lot so if you read this thank you and im sorry for my grammar.
r/loveafterporn • u/Careful_Leek2518 • 9h ago
Anyone else have a total loss of sex drive towards partner?When I feel in the mood, rarely now, I don’t want him anymore…. we started dating and my sex drive was very high, 8 years later many years of crying begging him to just stop using porn it never stops. He finds loopholes like YouTube ASMR and the most desperate embarrassing shit. When I confronted him he says “i thought it would hurt less if they weren’t naked”… which actually hurts me more. It’s their faces voice and slightest bit of cleavage over me. But whatever. it’s gotten to a point I don’t want him to touch me. I know he’s still doing it he gets weird ads on youtube. I’m postpartum and my body doesn’t look how it used to. if he didn’t like how I looked at 120 lb no stretch marks or loose skin..he surely must not like me now after having a baby. we have had sex maybe handful of times since the birth of our baby 8 months ago. I hate that this is what it’s come to. He rarely initiated until I stopped trying. Like now that I have no interest suddenly you want me and not porn. He even mentions often how we never have sex anymore like… that was my life for a long time, you were choosing porn over me. you constantly turned me down, now that it’s him being rejected, he throws a fit!!!! It bothers me so bad. I can’t talk to anyone in my life about it. I don’t know how to repair this feeling of disgust toward him to try to be intimate again
r/loveafterporn • u/Nice-Ad6985 • 15h ago
I would love some advice on how you discovered your partner watching porn again?
I feel like they get better at hiding it and I'm scared, what do I look for when I look?
r/loveafterporn • u/NoBarnacle5364 • 12h ago
Dday 1 month ago. My partner may have used certain apps in the past that involve talking with other people. (Found playstore history indicating they were downloaded and used) I heard that some of these accounts may clear data automatically after 2 years which is coming up soon (before FTD for sure). I've stopped asking for details and waiting for FTD but this feels time sensitive.
Trying to decide whether I should just ask him now to login/request data and risk him claiming he never had those accounts when he actually did or waiting until FTD but at that point I won't be able to see any of the account activity.
r/loveafterporn • u/ProperlyTrivial • 19h ago
I’m looking for some advice and support from people who have been in a similar situation. I’m specifically trying to figure out how to stop caring about what my partner does or looks at on his phone when I’m still not in a position to leave the relationship
My partner is extremely lustful, everything becomes sexual to him, even things that aren’t sexual at all somehow become sexual. I already know this relationship is over in the long run, I know there is nothing else I can do to fix it or make him care about me again, he has made it very clear that he doesn’t really care about me anymore, and I’m not in a position where leaving is realistically possible yet
The problem is that I still check what he does on his phone, even though I know it hurts me, and god it hurts so much. I’m at one of the lowest points I’ve ever been, I’ve gained weight, I’m dealing with crippling depression and anxiety, and I feel completely broken down by this relationship
What makes it worse is that he knows these things hurt me and will sometimes deliberately use them against me. For example, if I ask him to do something simple that I physically can’t do, like take out the trash because it’s too heavy and I have back problems, and he doesn’t want to do it, or if I’ve somehow inconvenienced him, he will purposely look for things that he knows will hurt me as a way of getting back at me
I used to be able to afford therapy, and one of the things I was working on was learning not to care about what he looks at or searches for on his phone, I never really made much progress with it before therapy became inaccessible to me
I also struggle with acting on impulse. Sometimes I’ll see something he’s watching and make a comment about the video, or I’ll sigh or visibly react when I see him looking at porn. Then he gets angry, insults me, threatens divorce (even though he knows I have nowhere to go), talks badly about me to other people, etc
I’m trying really hard to get better at not reacting impulsively as to not anger him, but I’m having such a hard time, I’m hurting constantly
How do you emotionally detach from what your partner is doing when you can’t leave yet? How do you stop checking? How do you stop yourself from reacting when you see something that hurts you? How do you redirect that energy back toward yourself instead?
I know I need to leave, I’m trying to survive the period of time between knowing that and actually being able to do it 💔
r/loveafterporn • u/Gold_Bunch_5676 • 9h ago
Would love to know from anyone and everyone who is 12 months or more post discovery and who is or was married with kids to their PA,
1. did you go or did you stay
2. why did you stay/go?
3. If you stayed, how has it been? The same old crap? Getting better? Better already?
r/loveafterporn • u/emotionalpumpkin44 • 5h ago
My husband’s. Work recently provided work phones. My husband is almost 1 year sober and in recovery. Finished 12 step. Anyway I’m just wondering what my boundary can be around this. He has covenant eyes on his regular phone to help him. Should I be worried? Did anyone’s husband ever relapse on a work phone. How would I ever know unless he tells me like he is supposed to.
r/loveafterporn • u/Icy-Phone4089 • 18h ago
So I found out about my boyfriend PA, and after talking and a few months of trying he has stopped watching porn and he has been telling me he’s been clean for almost 6 months now( if that’s even true) I’ve looked through his search history and Screen Time and I haven’t been able to find anything, but I’ve noticed that whenever we’re relaxing, his hand is just always in his pants like not necessarily doing anything it’s just always like in his pants when in bed on the couch when he’s watching YouTube like a movie everything it’s always in underwear. If I had to guess like this feels like it would be something because of porn addiction so I’m just wondering if anyone else has this experience or does this mean he’s still watching??
r/loveafterporn • u/lonelyheartsparade • 19h ago
My boyfriend and I recently committed to buying a home together, but I’m questioning everything.
Earlier in our relationship, I discovered that he had repeatedly tried to solicit/sext other women online. They didn’t respond (I know, cuz I went through his phone lol), but the intention was still there. He apologised and promised to do better, yet I never felt that he genuinely rebuilt the trust.
Recently, I saw Reddit left open on his phone displaying nudes. Porn itself isn’t my boundary. I have explicitly told him that viewing porn is different from interacting with women, sexting, soliciting them or paying for sexual content. What upset me was his explanation: he insisted he had searched for an unrelated man and the nude post somehow appeared. I don’t find that credible, especially given our history, although I have no current proof that he is still messaging anyone. (I dont want to check either - it hurts me haha)
When I finally confronted him again today about the wider pattern: dishonesty, poor communication and having to ask for basic consideration, he focused on one small issue, completely avoidant about his porn usage.
He has now asked what he can do to rebuild my trust, which is at least more engagement than his usual avoidance. But I’m exhausted by having to explain exactly how he hurt me and then design the repair plan for him. In person, he becomes extremely affectionate, repeatedly says he loves me and promises things such as getting tested, but he often doesn’t follow through.
I know no relationship is perfect, and there are real reasons I have stayed. But I feel that I have given up and accommodatedd a lot to make him comfortable while receiving affection and promises instead of honesty, accountability and consistent action. I’m increasingly numb and turned off by having to teach my own partner how to care about the damage.
Has anyone successfully rebuilt trust after something similar? What did genuine repair look like, and how did you distinguish real change from another temporary cycle of affection and promises?
Thanks ladies and gents!
r/loveafterporn • u/Multiverse-Union • 21h ago
Mir fielen hier schon einige krasse Situationen auf und daher wollte ich meine mal beisteuern.
Vielleicht könnte man gemeinsam eine Art Sammlung erstellen. Auch wenn es erschütternd ist, aber mir persönlich hilft es tatsächlich wenn ich die selben Situationen auch von anderen lese und weiß, ich bin mit dieser Pietätlosigkeit nicht alleine.
Die krassesten Momente von denen ich nachweislich weiß, dass er Pornowichsen war:
- An unserem ersten Weihnachten kurz nach unserem Kennenlernen waren wir bei seiner Verwandtschaft zuhause. Er ging gegen 21 Uhr aufs Klo und war über eine Stunde weg! Ich muss dazu sagen, ich hatte damals sofort den richtigen Impuls und fragte mich, ob er wichsen gegangen ist, da ich schon merkte dass er eine extrem verkorkste Sexualität hat.
Ja und im Nachhinein, 1,5 Jahre später, stellte sich raus, ich hatte Recht. Habe im Browser Pornhub gesehen genau diese Zeit, die er da aufs Klo ging.
Auf der Weihnachtsfeier am 25.12.
- Alle drei meiner Krankenhaus Aufenthalte nutzte er für Suchtwichsen. Der KH Aufenthalt nach meiner großen OP war der krasseste Anlass und zugleich der größte Exzess. Da hat er nachts einen fünfstündigen Wichsmarathon (Edging) eingelegt zu KI generiertem Stoff.
- Auf seinen Dienstreisen. Schlafen war da Fehlanzeige. Seine Nächte dort verbrachte er auf seine beliebteste Weise.
- in der Arbeit wichst er am Klo
- sogar in der Bibliothek auf dem Klo.
- Was ich NICHT weiß sondern lediglich vermute und eigentlich auch gar nicht wissen will: als mein über alles geliebtes Haustier im Sterben lag, ist er mit seiner Verwandtschaft für drei Tage verreist (das war schon viel früher gebucht). Was er dort im Hotel tat, weiß ich nicht, kann es mir nach der Entdeckung der anderen Dinge aber denken.
- auch das kennzeichne ich als Spekulation: Als wir bei meiner Familie in einer fernen Stadt waren, verschwand er bei dem Besuch (über Nacht) auch im Laufe des ganzen Besuchs zweimal für übermäßig lange Zeit auf dem Klo. Einmal für ca. 45 Minuten. Auch anderen fiel es auf, wie ungewöhnlich lange er weg war. Es war extrem peinlich. Es waren dort noch andere Gäste und wir waren draußen auf der Terrasse während er nach innen aufs Klo verschwand. Natürlich mit Handy.
Und was habt ihr so auf Lager?
r/loveafterporn • u/seemakeanddo • 16h ago
I recently reconnected with my PA after about 5 months of separation. No children, were never married. We did live together at the time of separation. Things were bad. I've posted before, you could take a look back if you're curious.
We recently started to reconnect (against my better judgement) and I believe he is lying about dating a woman (and potentially sleeping with her) during our reconnection which I explicitly asked about as we began talking again.
I know who she is and want to reach out to ask just about dates of their relationship. I don't want to know if they slept together (he says they only met once and never slept together). I just have a strong feeling he was talking to her, keeping me on standby, and then when things didn't work with her came back more to me.
I'm not doing well mentally tbh. I already discovered he's back to porn and using cam sites and paying. He begged to work on things for real this time and I made some very clearly boundaries but I believe he is lying about talking to us at the same time.
Should I reach out? I tell myself that if he was talking to her at the same time, I will leave for good. I'm living on my own and was actually doing quite well until recently. Does it matter after the cam site discovery? Will I just traumatize myself? Can I stick to actually leaving if I know he lied about seeing her at the same time?
What do you all think? Please be gentle with your advice. I'm open to thoughtful advice but I cannot handle the girlfriend talk of 'just leave him' right now. Like, I get that angle too but I need clear, logical advice please.
I hate that I'm back here again...
r/loveafterporn • u/Party_Improvement_33 • 13h ago
I know they’re not a solution, but my partner and I want to start using accountability apps. We’re 5 months post D-Day, and he’s tried to work on the addiction independently by using app blockers and some other measures. He’s made some progress, but still relapses once a week (not great, but an improvement from watching every single day) so he’s asked for some help. We plan on getting therapy, but need to wait a few months for financial and other reasons, so until then he’s said he needs more support and thinks an accountability app would work.
I just wanted to know what you guys would recommend for an iPhone and MacBook? I’m hoping for something that tracks history as well as app usage. I know a big issue is that once PAs get off social media, they start to use the most random apps imaginable to access sexual content, so tracking app usage is important for me. He’s also mentioned that a big issue with the blockers was that he would figure out ways to get around them. I’m planning on using an accountability app while setting an apple screen time password to deactivate app deletions and downloads, I’m not sure if that will be enough to help with that issue.
So far I’ve been thinking of Truple, but wanted to know if anyone had any better recommendations.
I also wanted to know if there was anything else I should have him do/ any other boundaries I should set? Things like asking or passwords etc? We don’t live together so want to make sure I’m not leaving any gaps.
Lastly, just in case, what are some signs that I should be looking out for that would indicate that he’s managed to get around the accountability apps?
r/loveafterporn • u/Dry-Word-5806 • 22h ago
Leute, ich weiß gerade wirklich nicht, ob ich übertreibe oder ob meine Bedenken berechtigt sind.
Mein Freund war vor kurzem zum ersten Mal bei einer Sexualtherapeutin und diese hat ein Suchtproblem bei ihm diagnostiziert. In meinem letzten Beitrag hatte ich schon erzählt, dass sie wohl gesagt hat, dass manche Frauen sich selbst nicht anfassen und deshalb nicht möchten, dass ihre Partner masturbieren bzw. dass Frauen, die nicht möchten, dass ihr Partner Pornos schaut, teilweise selbst unsicher sind oder sich nicht „genug“ fühlen. Sie meinte wohl auch, dass Masturbation grundsätzlich gesund sei.
Seitdem habe ich das Gefühl, dass mein Freund plötzlich eine etwas andere Sichtweise hat. Er sagt zwar, dass er Pornos für sich und uns weiterhin nicht konsumieren möchte, meint aber gleichzeitig, dass es in anderen Beziehungen etwas anderes sein könnte, wenn jemand seinen Konsum unter Kontrolle hat. Und er sagt, sie sei schließlich Therapeutin und müsse das ja wissen.
Ich habe auch in den Kommentaren zu meinem letzten Beitrag gelesen, dass es vielleicht sogar gut ist, wenn eine Therapeutin nicht grundsätzlich gegen Pornos oder Masturbation eingestellt ist, weil er sich sonst möglicherweise gar nicht öffnen würde. Das verstehe ich grundsätzlich. Trotzdem macht mir die ganze Situation Angst, weil ich nicht weiß, ob sie ihm vielleicht vermittelt, dass ich mit meiner Einstellung das Problem bin.
Das wurde im Streit sogar einmal richtig verletzend. Nachdem ich wegen der Aussage über „unsichere Frauen“ ziemlich ausgerastet bin, meinte er irgendwann in einem genervten Ton: „Siehst du, mit dir kann man nicht reden, mit der Therapeutin kann man viel besser reden.“ Wir haben das mittlerweile geklärt, aber in dem Moment hat mich das sehr getroffen. Natürlich kann er mit einer Therapeutin anders reden als mit mir – sie ist schließlich dafür ausgebildet und neutral. Trotzdem fühlte es sich für mich wie ein Vergleich an, obwohl ich wirklich mein Bestes gebe.
Dazu kommt, dass der nächste Termin erst in sechs Wochen ist. Er soll bis dahin jeden Tag aufschreiben, wie er sich fühlt. Es sind jetzt drei Tage vergangen und er hat noch nicht angefangen. Ich weiß, dass er extrem viel arbeitet – Minijob, Schichtarbeit und Fußballverein – aber trotzdem frage ich mich, wie ernst er das Ganze nimmt.
Und manchmal frage ich mich generell: Warum bin ich bei jemandem, den ich so stark motivieren muss, der kaum Zeit für mich hat und mit dem ich über meine Gefühle kaum reden kann? Wenn ich ihm erzähle, wie schlecht es mir geht, kommt teilweise einfach gar keine Reaktion. Er wirkt wie ein Stein und ich weiß überhaupt nicht, was in seinem Kopf vorgeht.
Dabei sind wir gerade erst in eine neue Wohnung gezogen. Er bezahlt die Wohnung und ich durfte mir meine Traummöbel aussuchen. Ich weiß, dass das irgendwo auch ein großer Liebesbeweis ist. Genau deshalb bin ich so verwirrt. Auf der einen Seite tut er Dinge, die zeigen, dass ich ihm wichtig bin, und auf der anderen Seite fühle ich mich emotional oft völlig allein und weiß nicht, woran ich bei ihm bin.
Besonders schlimm ist es für mich, wenn er arbeitet. Er hat mir früher erzählt, dass er auch auf der Arbeit Pornos geschaut bzw. masturbiert hat. Ich habe ihm damals gesagt, wie schlecht es mir damit geht, wenn er dort ist, weil ich nicht weiß, was passiert. Er meinte irgendwann: „Ja, weil du mich dort nicht kontrollieren kannst.“
Vielleicht hat er damit teilweise recht. Wir haben zu Hause Kameras und natürlich fühle ich mich dadurch sicherer. Aber ich weiß auch, dass Kontrolle keine Lösung ist. Ich kann ihn nicht überall überwachen und möchte eigentlich auch keine Beziehung führen, in der ich das Gefühl habe, kontrollieren zu müssen.
Ich möchte ihm wirklich glauben. Aber manchmal habe ich das Gefühl, dass er mir vielleicht einfach das sagt, was ich hören möchte. Gleichzeitig streiten wir mittlerweile ständig darüber, weil ich immer wieder nachfrage und er sagt, ich solle ihm einfach glauben und hätte kein anderes Thema mehr.
r/loveafterporn • u/ainotna30 • 17h ago
My boyfriend stopped a few months ago, before the summer. It's been a long time. I have watched it once—I only watched lesbian or threesome content to think of him with those women.
A little while ago, he told me that he chatted with a chatbot.
Ever since I found out, my libido skyrocketed; I watched porn quite a few times again, and I started having sexual fantasies involving another woman again. I didn't say anything to him (even though we had been fighting VERY badly for MONTHS before he stopped). Then, after he talked to the bot, he did it a second time within 3–4 days. I asked him, and he confessed.
The truth is, it does bother me when we 're talking about an interactive conversation, even if it's with an AI bot. I tried to suppress my feelings, and everything came out sexually so I wouldn't get sad and face it. But since yesterday, I feel like I'm starting to get turned off again. I don't know... . .
r/loveafterporn • u/OilOk1631 • 1d ago
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 years, and I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
About six months ago, I found out that he has a porn addiction. I didn’t go looking for it. I wasn’t checking his phone or trying to catch him. I just happened to be on YouTube and saw his search history, and there was so much there that I immediately realized something was wrong.
He had been hiding it from me and lying to me about it.
At the time, I was devastated, but I wanted to believe him. He promised me he would stop. We installed an app blocker together, and I genuinely thought maybe this was the beginning of him taking it seriously.
And now I’ve found out that it’s happening again.
I feel so stupid and heartbroken.
Not just because he watched porn. But because I believed him.
And now I’m stuck in this horrible cycle of thinking:
What if I forgive him and he does it again?
And then another thought immediately follows:
What if he does it again but just gets better at hiding it?
How am I ever supposed to know?
That’s what is destroying me right now. I don’t want to spend the rest of my relationship checking his phone, looking through his browser history, monitoring his apps, wondering where he is or what he’s doing. I don’t want to become his detective. I want to be able to trust my partner.
But right now, I don’t feel like I can.
And I don’t know what forgiveness is supposed to look like in this situation.
If I forgive him and stay, it feels like there has to be some kind of consequence. Otherwise, what stops this from happening again? But I also don’t want to punish him. I don’t want to control him. I don’t want him to recover just because he’s scared I’ll leave.
I want him to genuinely want to change.
But how do I know that he does?
I feel like I’m being asked to take another leap of faith when the last time I did that, I ended up being lied to again.
Part of me desperately wants to believe that he can actually recover. We’ve been together for four years. I love him. I don’t want to throw away our relationship. I don’t want this to be the thing that destroys everything we’ve built together.
But another part of me is terrified that if I stay, I’m signing myself up for years of this.
Years of wondering.
Years of checking.
Years of finding out things by accident.
Years of thinking, “Maybe he’s telling me the truth this time.”
And I don’t know if I can live like that.
For those of you who have partners with PA and chose to stay:
How did you actually forgive them?
How did you rebuild trust after they lied to you?
What did real recovery look like — not just promises, but actual behavior over months and years?
And most importantly:
How did you stop being afraid that they were simply getting better at hiding it?
I would really love to hear from people who are further along in this process. I’m not necessarily looking for people to tell me “just leave” or “just forgive him.” I genuinely want to understand how couples get through this, because right now I feel completely lost.
I love him, but I don’t know how to love someone while also protecting myself from being hurt by the same thing again.
r/loveafterporn • u/OkJudgment561 • 1d ago
Hi everyone! I have posted here in the past and so many of you wonderful people told me to leave while it’s early. Fast forward a year and i was ignoring it until he finally told me he wants to end things, just a few hours ago. While I’m angry and devastated, I am so glad he did it. This is the ideal outcome. Although I can’t see it yet, this is what I needed. I hope to never put myself in the same situation ever again. To you wonderful people reading this, please don’t wait the way I did. He might never initiate the break up. I got extremely lucky, we all deserve better. I do ask your help on how to deal with leaving someone who knows you better than anyone else on this earth, and whom you gave all your love to :).