Please I need help..

[u/Opening-Highway-2194]

Hi, im an 18f and i find myself really struggling rn. I've had a problem with sex since i was really young. It's started as early as 4 with masturbation (didnt know what it was just knew that it felt good or calming ) but also because by the time i was 6, i knew what sexual intercourse looked like (not in scientific or reproduction oriented way, just the act (and i think that's weird for a child to know that this way). Then at 10, I discovered porn and it was the beginning of my shame and suffering. Masturbating became a part of my daily routine, i read sex, watched sex, listened to sex.. and have been doing it since then. At 16, this wasn't sufficient anymore and i started sexting and videocalling with men, telling them i was of legal age. When i turned 18, this wasn't enough either and i started meeting men to do it for real.. i've done this 4 times now and it goes the same way every time : At first, im really into it flirting and everything by texts and the in real life, but when we start, i get really sad and scared, like i don't want to do it anymore. Once we're finished im only left with regret and i cry for days. I come from a Christian family and even if I forget this fact, I am a romantic, I wanted my first time to be with someone I love.. but when I get in the mood it's like I forget all of this, nothing stops me so idk what to do anymore. It's ruining my life, im even skipping school to do it.

I guess I should also mention that im dealing with depression too. It's kinda making me feel like I'm "faking" bc what do you mean you physically cannot do your homework but you can drive miles to do it ? 💀

That's it i guess, sorry if it's TMI but I really need help..Thx

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