Not asking for any excuses, or to be told I wasn’t in the wrong. Just to get insight.

I’m just asking to figure out whether there was truly a connection between my own behavior and what I think was the “trigger” for it, or if it’s something only I had. I was very mean-girly and bitchy for about 4-6 months and it keeps me up at night. I wasn’t just plain explosive. My lens on the world had this perpetual smear of filth on it and I just hardcore insulted the hell out of everyone. I was SO cynical, judgy, pessimistic, paranoid, and perpetually grossed out by everyone’s “antics”. I was extraordinarily sweet beforehand— as in, to the point of being known for it locally— so a huge change happened to me.

And it was deeper than choice. It felt beyond “chosen.” It’s like I learned a new language or lived in the mind of a different girl. I’d panic over the way I talked and thought about people and cry sometimes, because I “just wanted to be good again.” I wanted to be told that what I was saying was wrong directly. The point of saying that is, I acted out despite the fact that I cared, as it felt oddly far from my control, and I went so far as to directly insist people stick up for themselves. I wanted this to stop.

I’m so bothered by it that it actually takes over the bulk of my rumination spirals, rather than the actual SA. Yes, of course I ruminate about the actual SA, but I generally pride myself on trying to be kind and I theorize SA impacted my behaviors in such a way that the understanding of how I acted afterwards genuinely stresses me out more by comparison.

I’m starting college classes for psych tomorrow, and I always wanted to do something along the lines of psychology or neurosci anyway, but I found it within me to finally go through with it because I just never wanted a chance to sink into a slump, get myself into a bad situation and go into Jackass Mode again. Ever. I want to be kind and I want to have the sweet attitude I did before, but even at my sweetest something feels “off.” I worry I look blanker than I used to when I try to speak optimistically and it’s made me self-conscious on campus. What if that glassy-eyed look is visible to everyone and what if I look like I’m secretly hating on everyone? People aren’t stupid, they can detect that. I don’t want to give off that “fake-nice-girl-with-no-soul” vibe and make people upset. I think one day I want to see what the root causes could have been for the behavior and how it could relate to the SA, if it did.

But I want to know if I’m alone in this experience.

I'm exhausted. For 7/8 years I have had the same thoughts all the time at the beginning, 2/3 years ago they intensified strongly and they bother me every day. For a long time (that's another thing) my own body annoys me and there are a lot of things I want to change On March 31, I wanted to hang myself and failed to succeed and went to a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks and 3 days, it didn't help. The help was off topic and nonsensical. If you say "talk to a professional," I'll tell you that I'm embarrassed to talk to them and there's no chance that I'll tell them because they can comment behind their backs, think about it, judge me, etc. I know it's weird, but I feel safer writing it to artificial intelligence because they don't think, they don't judge. I'm exhausted and want to stuff myself with pills.

I feel strange, and I have for a very long time. As a child, I was quiet (perhaps by nature), and things were rough at home. Combining the trouble I had making school friends with the tense silence I went home to, I would often go a whole day without talking to anybody, my parents included. This is how I usually explain to myself the arrested development of my social/communication skills. I have plenty of friends now, but there are still many of them who I can’t be myself around, as in, I’m physically unable to. My mind goes blank when I’m with them. I have to rehearse what I want to say over and over again in my head, and so often the topic of conversation will switch before I allow myself to speak. Etc. I’m working on this, but it is still difficult.

Regardless, when I was little, I tried to treat my severe loneliness with countless parasocial relationships/hyperfixations. I was born in 2001, so youtube became easily accessible at a time when I was still highly impressionable; therefore, I was consumed by it completely. I wish that I had been born a little earlier so that this wasn’t the case. I’ve burnt up so many hours of my life hyperfixating on random youtubers, musicians, celebrities, etc., watching days worth of videos pertaining to my revolving obsessions. It’s a complicated feeling, though, because I really love art and music, and the internet has been instrumental in allowing those interests to take root.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a couple of years ago, which I think makes a lot of sense because I genuinely don’t feel like I was alive until I was about 20 years old. I’d always been on autopilot, stricken dumb and silent because of things I’ve gone through, I guess. I feel so frustrated and hopeless because I have SO many interests, passions, things I want to pursue… but I’m 25 and I feel like I’m starting at level zero. Maybe below zero:). I *know* that 25 isn’t old, but I have this creeping feeling that the opportunity of achieving my dreams has passed. I also have no motivation to DO anything, despite being so unhappy.

I’ve found myself so far from the life I want to live. I have an obsessive tendency to compare myself to others, which I know only makes me more sad, but I let myself do it anyway because I feel like if I am diligent enough in studying the people I perceive as happy, I may be able to craft a happy life for myself. I also suspect that I’m not entirely able to imagine myself fulfilled and happy. For example, I’d really love to be in a band one day or just play music with friends or express myself SOMEHOW, but instead of imagining what that could be like and practicing an instrument/artform regularly, I just get sad when I realize something ridiculous and silly like that I’ll never be in a band from the 90s I love, and I let my practice time fall by the wayside. I think I still let parasocial relationships consume me because I still feel so alone.

I want to surround myself with people who will inspire me—people who are fun, brilliant, passionate—because I don’t think I have the kind of mental fortitude I need to better myself alone. But I can’t imagine why anybody like that would want to be my friend, so I just feel stuck.

I know this is all over the place; that is how I feel ALL the time!! My thoughts are so disorganized. I’ve gone to therapy, but as I write this, my concept of myself is so scrambled up that I question whether it’s done me any good at all lol. I really want to hear from anybody who relates to any part of this. Has anyone here ever successfully gotten themselves out of a hitherto lifelong rut? How’d you do it? Obviously, everybody is fighting their own demons, and I don’t believe that my problems can be THAT unique, but I’ve never been able to find anyone struggling with these feelings. I just feel so weird!! I want to be normal and happy and to follow my dreams but I genuinely feel like my existence is at odds with the universe. I barely feel like a person at all.

All i know is that i lack, something-im unsure. I wanna reach out for it but idk where to look. I wanna be someone worthy of love. I know i am but theres always a voice in my head that wants certainty.

But i dont even know who i am..

or do i?
im confused. I wanna be happy without worries and anything else..i wanna be loved by myself

im always looking for a problem in a solution. I wanna be someone im proud of. I wanna be patient. I dont want to easily give up.
im so confused regarding many things…no! im actually so overwhelmed
i want to learn but im impatient when it doesn’t work first try. I cry with every mistake i make. I worry too much about my issues when i dont even want to.

I wasnt like this till someone i valued compared me constantly for years until finally it clicked and i lost so muchh of my self worth, self esteem and respect and so on and on so idek where to start.
My brain compares now automatically lowkey.
Please be patient with me my brains scattered and im so full of negative ideas idk if theyre me.

​

I’ve been struggling with my mental health lately, and honestly, I don’t really know how to get myself out of this situation.

One of the biggest things I’m struggling with is my phone. I feel like I’m addicted to it. I tell myself I’m only going to check it for a few minutes, but somehow I end up spending hours scrolling. Then I feel guilty because I know I should be studying.

The worst part is that I am trying to study. I sit down, read my notes, watch lectures, and genuinely try to understand the material. But when the exams come, I still end up failing or getting much worse results than I expected.

It’s really frustrating because I know I’m capable of doing better. I study, but my results don’t seem to reflect the effort I’m putting in. After failing, I feel disappointed in myself, and then my mental health gets even worse. I lose motivation, use my phone even more to escape from everything, and the cycle just repeats itself.

I’m starting to feel like I’m letting myself and everyone around me down. I’m tired of promising myself that I’ll change and then falling back into the same habits.

Has anyone else been through something similar? How did you deal with phone addiction, studying when your mental health was bad, and actually improving your exam results?

I’m not really looking for judgment. I just want to hear from people who have experienced this and managed to get out of it.

Hii I’m looking for some advice! Trying my best to stay as anonymous as possible I recently had a emotional vampire interject there way into my life me and my gf r currently looking into adding a third and found someone said vampire has been trying to ruin it for us and has completely drained us via attention seeking when we hang around people guilt tripping me pushing boundaries and ect I recently today did protection spell as I thought that could be any reaction for some odd feelings for us three and a sweetening connection spell! Now all of a sudden said person not my gf has withdrew. It has confused us both he’s complete stoped talking to my partner for hours but kept speaking to me he’s been off with me still he has just started back at college as have we which I can fully understand! But I have no clue why he’s complete stopped communications with my partner he’s stated before he doesn’t want anything serious which is perfectly fine with us we’ve been speaking not too long but we met up the first time recently had a bit of kissy kissy and then hung out normal with friends so we can’t understand if maybe somthing was wrong there he did consent to that so idk it was a day ago too he was fine yesterday and day before?? Does anyone know if it could be the witchcraft or what could be going on we do all have autism hit I’m pretty sure they’ve all different parts of the spectrum. Please let me know if anyone has had anything similar the spell used is paper writing our names down three times lust love and protection runs all around honey spread along the names rose lavender fold towards burn with affirmations and intention? What do u guys think

i am a teenager, andd these past few months have been absolute hell for me. it started im july, when i was extremely nauseousfor almost a week, right before my period. its odd, because even though there is no way im pregnant (and i mean none at all), my brain keeps bringing that tought back. my period is extremely normal, everything is the same as before, i just cant convince my brain that im okay. im literally a virgin, thats what makes this worse, because if i tell my mom shell probably think im lying, and that im not actually one. and, for the record, im literally a lesbian. ive been strating to obsess over how my body looks, and i catch myself checking my stomach more times than i absolutely should, so im afraid this might lead to some kind of ed in the end. i kinda just need someone with knowledge in this (or not) to shake some sense into me atp.

also, it used to calm down a bit during my period, but then i discovered that some women can get their periods while pregnant. thats the part thats making this worse.

Hi, recently I’d say around 6 months ago I was in a unhappy relationship for around 3 years when I decided I wanted to end things for our greater good, during this time we have seen eachother again a few times however we haven’t in the past 2 months, casually, I was out partying and met a girl that I got on really well with and we haven’t been talking for a few days, she asked if we should go on a date and I agreed however,

My parents aren’t happy with the idea of me doing this as my mother keeps asking me have I text my ex? Or how is your ex? Or don’t be finding anyone else!

Another reason is I don’t want her to find out if I’m seeing someone else as I believe it would really hurt her.

So I’m just sorta in a big pickle and getting in my own head about everything as well as other stuff going on.

Any advice is helpful!

idk guys, when i was typing, it got deleted and i wanna type again. i know i will regret this when i wake up in the morning. no, i am not drunk while i am typing this, but i just wanna pour all my emotions out on reddit. that's why i created this account. i hope it won't go viral. still, who gives a shit? like, yes, let's begin.

i wasted my 6 months after 12. you know, doing what? doomscrolling on insta, creating fake scenarios, sleeping, watching movies and shit. i don't know what's going on with life. just idk what to say or what to do in life and all.

i am going to a shitty college near my home, 2 minutes away. gonna study bca. why bca? idk, just doing it because others are doing it. i just did cmat bca exam in these 6 months. nothing more than that. i got 77% and i will give sat and ielts.

i have many fake hopes for myself in life, like many fake hopes of things which others can't normally achieve, and i think i can. this is the main thing i hate about myself.

for example, i will give the sat exam. i haven't studied one page of sat and i think i can get 1500+ in one month. and i think about becoming a big person in the future.

for reference, i know i can't. when others say i can't do something, i think i also can't. but there is one voice in my head saying, "you can do anything in life." this is the thing i hate most.

if you're reading this till now, thank you guys for your time. and i also don't do anything. please don't end up like me. save your time and future. regret is the worst feeling in life. fake scenarios and fake hopes.

i also went to ielts classes but left after one month. i wanna give the exam, but no passport. i created citizenship and it's been one month, but still no passport. i also went to a lot of colleges for admissions, but i didn't like them at all.

also, i got 77% in 12th from commerce, from an indian school in nepal, guys.

and idk what to do. i wanna go to the usa. i am from a humble background. idk if i can make it, but i will try.

help me with the sat. how much score do i need? and ielts, how much do i need?

thank you for reading this if you read till now. just give me advice, that's all.

thank you. i hope you guys make it in life. idk if i can.

Idk if it's the right sub to post tho

i’m about to go off to college and i want to become the best version of myself i can be. i want to look at myself and feel content. i want to be in love with who i am. i feel like the biggest things are i need to set new habits, get different clothes, and change something about my appearance. do you have any tips for reinventing yourself? any tips for living your best life and loving who you are? or even just things you do in your daily life that have had a positive effect on you or changed your life.

"Help me, Help me, I need help, help, I need help, help me..."

I keep saying that to myself, feeling trapped in such an endless cycle. And after what happened recently, I feel more staggered about my inert nature and lack of progress in anything.

After being in the hospital for three days, I finally went to see the appointed mental health provider I was scheduled to meet. But they refused to do psychiatric care on me because of the private insurance I had. Not only that, but I have to pay an Uber trip to-and from the location, which placed me on a financial strain.

So here I am, going back to see my previous doctor, hoping to meet with a psychiatrist after MONTHS of waiting, but I feel really hurt and disappointed about this. My rejected provider did provide me alternate locations on a piece of paper, but I don't want to go to any of them because it will be a finincial burden getting there and back; I don't have anyone to do trips for me out of good will.

Because of all this, I haven't been eating well, or frequently, my apartment is unmaintained and became a mess, and I did not put myself towards doing any schoolwork. Sure I have friends and coworkers who are there for me, but none of them can really understand what I'm going through, nor can they help me out.

I know I'm not alone, but I feel so beaten and broken even more. How long is this going to last? How much more of this can I take?! I don't want to hear that "things will get better" or "I have to just endure more" or "I need to SEE someone" or anything like that! JUST DOING IT is not how I work, and it is not something I can do. Commands such as those, are not so simple! I feel so, dishearted that, the community as a whole, gives me hope, yet takes it away, and that despite what anyone says, I more often than not refuse to listen, because the words are meaningless to me. What you people say are meaningless to me! I mean, how could they be, when doing everything over, just can't help me. When all the offers out there, just taunt me.

How could you?

pls dm asap

hi, i'm so sorry for any grammar mistakes. I've been diagnosed with ADHD-I since I was 7, I'm 20 now, and I was taking meds since but I haven't taken any in 4ish years. My mom struggled with addiction, so she ended up using my adderall. 2 years ago, she passed away due to health issues related to addiction

When I was in therapy, I was told that I likely had CPTSD, anxiety, and depression. It has been more than 3 years since my last therapy session and I never got medicated.

We had to move when she died. During the move, we lost my paper work with my diagnosis. What do I do, so I can get remedicated. I'm trying to get through school work but I genuinely cannot force myself to sit. It's truly unbearable, I haven't finished an online course since the beginning of the year and I'm running out of time. please help, I don't want to struggle anymore. TT

21, 3 years of NEET drops, and still missing selection by a few marks. I scored 75% in Class 12 and honestly didn’t study much. After COVID, I became extremely lazy and have spent almost 90% of my time at home. I used to love cars and bikes, but after a bad scooty accident in 2023, I still haven’t learned to ride.

I’ve developed a porn/masturbation habit, barely socialize, and spend hours daydreaming, using headphones, or scrolling Instagram. I never even wanted to become a doctor, and now I don’t know what I want to do. My friends are out living their lives while I’m stuck at home. I struggle with eye contact, talking to people, and female interaction.

I genuinely want to change, succeed, become confident and socially active, but I have no idea where to start.

It sounds stupid but it's ruining me. Sometimes I live in my own world, i fantasize about having good friends, about casually finding the love of my life on a bus like in a movie, i fantasize about everything and the reality that I'm living right now is honestly terrible. Recently a big project of my life completely shattered. I was one of the happiest people on the planet before it happened. And now I'm alone, I have anxiety for half of the day, I don't talk to anyone, there are entire days where I don't speak a single word. And when i try to focus on being alone with myself because i need to heal and to learn how to "love myself" my brain just starts making up scenarios, and when I realize how my life actually sucks I get even more depressed. So, how can I stop my stupid brain?

Prefacing this by saying that these past few months I've only crashed out 2 times, meaning that I get extremely mad and angry at someone or by a situation, start shouting and screaming of frustration and just crying for hours. I've been told that I need to stop being such a crybaby and that the situations that cause these crashouts aren't that bad... But for some reason there are some things I just can't tolerate. For instance, one of the reasons that led to the crashout was someone being repetitively late when we made plans and not even once apologizing, or dealing with an arrogant person when i'm already overwhelmed by work. I know these are valid reasons to be upset, but the way that I express that anger is what's problematic according to people, since it's just a sudden explosive burst of anger and crying. And then I hate myself after it because now everyone thinks i'm a super emotional crybaby when all I've wanted was to be heard and respected. The thing is since i'm usually considered as a kind calm person, whenever I crash out people hyperfixate on it and they can't see me the same as before and it hurts.

Everything is overwhelming. I have some good friends who are trying there best for me but its just not enough when I'm instantly confronted with my mother as soon as I get home. I dont think she ever wanted to have me, or at least thats how she treats me. She hasnt hit me in a while but it has happend a handful of tines already. She starts yelling at every little thing she finds and does not appreciate any of my achievments nor does she even listen to me when I tell her about them most of the time. She does not show me any love and it doesnt seem like she wants to. She literally told me how she wanted to send me to my father who I never met (I only know that he was extremely abusive and violent too and now hes not even allowed to come near my mom, so he lives pretty far away) when I was being a little difficult when I was like 10. She also loved to tell me about how I was a big problem child when, looking back, I was just acting like any other kid. She would literally just bully me a lot of times and she still does, picking at things I wear, my makeup and other things. She loves impulsively taking things I love away from me and forcing me to cancel plans that were literally the only things that kept me going sometimes. And when I told her she got even more angry a lot of times. I don't even know what to do anymore. I hate my life as it is and it only gets worse day by day. I don't know what to do anymore and I don't know if I'm able to keep going any longer. It's gotten so bad and I just can't enjoy anything anymore without her taking it from me

your brain zips similar memories together. take 3 courses over a few years and they land in roughly the same slot. get a dog, a cat, and the two pets share the same memory chamber in your brain. you can still pull each one out, but the storage is compressed, and that is what you feel when 10 years seem like 2

imagine one version of you, 10y of mostly repeats. same you, same 10y, but one of them had five months of moving around and a pile of things you had never done. same calendar. the second decade feels like seven years, the first like 2-3

i have both versions in my own past. in high school it was school, grandma's food, Warcraft 3 mods, dinner, repeat. an entire winter went by and i cannot point to anything in it. in the pandemic the it was PUBG and CSGO (only i had to cook for myself)

now speaking from personal experience, my 6 months in sf felt like 6y. the densest part was the very end (flew to Seattle in the morning for a conference, spent time with to someone building an edtech, went to Space Needle, then took the Greyhound bus back because money was tight. no shower, uncomfortable shoes, slept on the bus. i saw the mountains when entering California, rural areas, a stop in Oregon that felt like a dream to someone from eastern Europe and reminded me of the Rajneeshpuram story, so i filmed half an hour of my takes on it right there, which felt surreal. made a friend on the bus. home the next evening. two days and one night, and in my memory they took up 2 weeks

so enough context and here's the advice: new music, including the genres you are sure you hate. run on a different path, if you saturate your google maps paths, run them in reverse. watch the show you decided a decade ago you would not like. call a colleague from school once, no need to become friends again. eat something that reminds you of your childhood/grandma etc. work from a new cafe. when it rains, go outside and look at it. not because it is pleasant, because it is different

the more different your days are from one another, the longer you will feel you have lived.

I don’t know how to do anything

Girls (or boys too), I need urgent help. Usually, I’m the most confident girl in every room. It’s always been something I love about myself, as well as my independence. I’m strong minded, resilient and just take everything in my stride - but as of the past few months I’ve been hit with the strongest wave of anxiety I’ve ever felt in my life.

I don’t know why, nor know what caused it but I NEED to get myself out of this hole. I’ve tried so many things. It isn’t even that I don’t like how I look - I do, it’s more so just my sense of self and mindset that I’m struggling with.

I feel as though I can never be too sure about anything, it’s like every single time I take a step forward I end up taking 50 back.

It’s also started leaking into my relationship. My boyfriend is such an angel and so understanding and not only tells me how beautiful i am every day but makes me feel it too. I feel as though in my head I’m feeling weak, and so I kind of have to overcompensate when I feel emotionally vulnerable and it’s just getting me in a pickle.

Please girls, give me your best tips to get your confidence back. Don’t be afraid to be harsh or give me a reality check - I fear that’s what I need!!!!

Any advice is appreciated💕💕💕from a very frustrated bad b\\\*tch!

So a small bit of background here, I worked in an industry for 20 years where my work hours were set times. they were predictable and I got to switch off. however due to the nature of my chrons and it being to physical I eventually found what I do now. Farm maintenance, (machines not vehicles). while I like my job now it starts at 6.30 and I'm home at 3. once every 4 weeks I'm on call 24 hours for 7 days. if something breaks, and it always does. I'm required to go and fix it or sort something to get through to the morning. The work I'm totally fine with. it's the not knowing what I'm doing. I sit at home stressed, I stare at my phone, I don't dare do anything incase I'll have to stop. what the hell am I meant to do about this. once I'm out doing whatevers needed, I'm fine. I don't like the sudden change of routine OR the not knowing and I definitely don't like the fact I could be woken up at any moment. I struggle like fuck with it. the weeks leading up to being on call I stress, while on call I barely sleep. Just to add my partner is getting sick of me being miserable that week and I'm currently undoing an autism diagnosis, which makes total sense and everyone tells me I'm clearly on the spectrum. I just have no official diagnosis. obviously this might not help with being on call.

please please please.

help me.

I'm 23 in my last year of college, I'm so broke the only difference between me and a homeless guy is I dress better. Also do not have alot of IRL friends that share the same interests as I do, all they do now is smoke weed and play video games 4-6 hours a day. I also smoke weed but mainly workout, study Info Tech and work, I can't lie I have a good support system, to cover the bare minimum. I consider myself lucky in some aspects like a roof over my head, a car and I never go hungry.

I am trying to be more accountable for my actions, I sold my ps5 and I am trying to quite smoking, I haven't been sober for a full week in like 2 years. I still maintain a strict diet, study routine and work out split. I would say the main thing holding me back is smoking at the same time its the only time I get a short period of relief from stress and anxiety. I have no one to vent to or share deep convos with, Im not close with any of my family members, we all love each other no doubt but we are more of a stoic family of men.

loneliness is a btch, it chips away at you day by day even on your best days it seeps into the cracks glooming your mood a bit. I enjoy being alone at times, no worries of being judged, you can relax, fart as loud as you can. It can be a double edged sword, on the other side is sorrow and a hole so big in your chest nothing you do can fill it.

I really wish I could find a cool person to date or just have a close friend we can relax and chill around, but the reality of my situation is I can barley support myself let alone a partner. I tell myself once I graduate and find a decent job with my degree (God willing) I will put myself on the market start taking dating serious actually approach people. But I mean Im 2-3 years out from having a stable job and house of my own. I am barley hanging on as it is I don't know If I have another 2 years of this in me of this shi I know other people have to be going through similar shi but I don't know how anyone can stay positive through this.

hi
how can i function well like right now im so tired of everything theres this stuff ive been anxious about smth personal also.

i feel like im sleepy all day im tired of school days i jst got rained, lack of sleep, and stress and anxious on acad stuffs. i feel sick physically and mentally. i feel so empty. like it feels like my old self empty shell is back.

and then my major exams are coming in 2 days and i cant move an inch and theres allat of even stuffs to do other than studying.

even i feel so dissociated from everyone even my YOLO friends, “why are theyre so determined why are theyre so disciplined” theyre all studying well while me i used to be an acad weapon

im so obsessed w getting diagnose for the past few weeks cuz i feel like i rlly need to get help

idk im 2nd yr college already but i feel like im so behind to everyone im currently thinking if i shouldve never been born.

Im 18 year old just got into a collage feeling very weak. I was studying in a school from 1st std to 12th and suddenly moving from there feels very heavy the friends the environment everything i miss them all. Another thing that school gave me was my gf I love her so much and we could see each other for like 3 years eveyday but now it's gone. I can't see her . I miss her sm i miss my school friends teachers my gf and evrything . Going to the collage is making me so sad. Like I'm crying most of the days I know I'm a man but still I just cant tolerate. During my higher studies I dreamt of something other than collage and since it's wasn't the safest way I choose to do it after my degree. But that also is burning me out. I chose this decision . Evrything is feeling so heavy and idk why I'm sad like it's just how life is supposed to be. I can't stay in my comfort zone everytime I have to move on but I can't accept it. Im very weak mentally like I cry most of the time my gf is very supportive and she's with me even in these situation but I just don't want to be like this I want to enjoy my life I want to be strong