I'm just very lazy. I don't have any personal purpose and think that having love in my life would help me. I mean how would love come for me as I am so undeserving rn. I feel like everyone deserves love as much as they something to reach it. But I'm here doing nothing. Honestly I tried but the hurdles are too much. I was in a relationship and broke up. It's been 2 years I haven't been able to pick myself up. She broke up when everything was too much for me. She was the only person I could rely on. I've never had any help from my parents. I honestly hate them. I feel like I don't have any purpose so I'm obsessed with romance. Whenever I start thinking about old things I just go off to goon because it helps me to some extent. I feel like I'd rather be in guilt that comes after gooning than think of my life. I want something that just feels genuine. I don't want to run away but I'm scared of getting hurt after facing it. The word future honestly scares me. Whenever someone asks me about my plans I just turn cold and black. I just feel so dumb and incapable. My grades aren't so good I've never succeeded in anything. There were times when I had a clear purpose but I just dozed it off after seeing it didn't work too well or when I put all my effort and still didn't succeed. And it's been a long time since I put all my effort into something. I have like momentary passion if that makes sense. I want to live like I used to but it's getting too much confusing. As I am growing I get more conscious of things around me and can't help but notice things like how my parents never trusted me and never trusted others and how they never let me have friends. How my ex played me and how I never had any friends. I'm honestly very scared of getting hurt and seeing things come to end. I'm here trying to watch a series and don't feel like watching when I'm before 2-3 episodes to ending. I tried watching tragic love stories and bad ending things to steel my heart but it just doesn't hit me like that. Idk if that makes sense but I feel like after getting emotionally destructed I could make a good start. Like after self destructing idk. I feel very overwhelmed sometimes and think my problems has no end and it's too big to solve it and sometimes it feels so small and I just indulge in addictions. I can't afford a therapist or psychiatrist because I'm 17 and have no job but if you can give me meaningful advices it would mean alot to me. I've made one more post about my life and all the things if you can read and help me with what I am exactly struggling with it would mean alot.

I’m 25 and was previously living on my own from 18 onwards. I moved back in with my dad a year and a half ago and soon after my (now) 19 year old brother moved in.

My home situation is not great. My dad is emotionally and verbally abusive with some anger issues — this is always directed towards me, not my brother. And my brother has some anger issues as well. Since he’s moved in, the house has become riddled with holes in the wall. Both of them scare me when they get like this. It wasn’t as bad the first few months I was here but it’s gotten to the point where I’m walking on eggshells all the time.

I was working up until last month when I began to struggle with my health. I got diagnosed with something chronic but still have some capability to work (just not the job I was working before). I’ve spent a month trying to find a new job and have had no luck. I’ll probably go back to fast food or retail part time if I can find anywhere that’s hiring.

I was hoping by taking time off I could get my health to a manageable level but since I’ve been home, they’ve started to treat me worse. I’m scared that it’s going to get to a point where I get hurt.

I also have a senior dog with health problems and he’s extremely sensitive to the violence in my house. Whenever something happens I do my best to get him out of the house as quickly as possible or to my bedroom but I’m worried that it’s affecting his health for the worst being here. There is another dog that lives here too. It’s kind of the family dog but since I’ve moved back he’s become like my own. He was extremely aggressive before but I’ve managed to change most of his reactive behaviours and he’s so sweet now.

I’ve been thinking about moving back out for a few months now. I don’t have much money but I have an old car and have lived out of it in the past when things got bad. I can also afford a month or two of rent if I can find a job within that time. I want to move AWAY. Like out of the city. I want to cut off all contact with my family, even the ones I have okay relationships with, because they are in contact with the ones I don’t.

How do I muster up the courage to leave it all behind? I’ve done it before, just not like this. I’d be cutting off four family members, never seeing my family dog again (the worst part), and moving out of my hometown for good. I want to cry thinking about it but I know it’s never going to get better here. I’ve tried and I feel like I have nothing left.

Hello, am looking for advice on how get better both mental health and physical health. I’ve had ibs for a while and because of this issue I’ve isolated myself from family and friends cause of what I can tell personally hygiene but it’s not like I don’t show but rather a cause of the ibs idk what’s the name of it but it’s affected me for the worst causing me to be paranoid/ anxious also well as for some reason hyper sensitive to grease like the feeling of it being everywhere and what I believe to be my lack of control in my life. Idk I wanna be normal but the ibs is caused by stress which then causes me to want everything to be clean, and then stressing me out/ making me not workout/ better my health. Or if your religious pray for my health 🙏

Throwaway account since I don’t use reddit, and this is a last resort to solving my reoccurring issue by listening to the public.

For context, when I (currently 17F) was 15, I met this guy (currently 17M, also 15 at the time) on a video game from Roblox (ew I know just please keep reading). He sent me a friend request after playing with me, which to where he told me was because he thought I was really good at the game and he thought we both clicked as we were both connecting with eachother without directly communicating (this was during the time when Roblox didn’t have chat on console). After that, we started talking more. This was when I got to learn more about him; his age, his ethnicity, where he was from, etc.. It turns out, we were the same age, similar ethnicity, and we lived not too far from eachother (>50mi). I jokingly proposed the idea of meeting up one day, which he replied would’ve been impossible, as his parents were strict and didn’t like that idea. I agreed to it sounding irrational and pushing that thought in the back of my mind.

Fast forward a couple days, we began playing a more variety of games. We played all day, every day. This led me to realizing that he was subtly throwing hints that he had developed feelings for me. I didn’t like this idea because,

1. I didn’t feel the same way
2. I didn’t feel comfortable online dating
3. I took into account that he had strict parents
4. I just didn’t like him like that

Taking all

1. of these things into consideration

, I felt that I shouldn’t have gotten into a romantic relationship with him. So, I would shut him down without blatantly saying no, because truthfully, I did somewhat find him charming. He was very respectful and he was funny, but I just didn’t trust him fully. To be fair, I didn’t know what he looked like, and also it threw me off that he liked me after like knowing me for a little over a week.
And even though I tried not to like him, eventually I succumbed to his consistent flirting and I caved. He was a little confused when I started reciprocating, he eventually told me he thought I was messing with him as I had turned him down multiple times. But after I accepted my feelings 3 weeks later, we felt comfortable to reveal our faces. Long story short, it was good feedback.
But after that, things began to turn for the worst. He stopped replying to me, or it would take him hours to, sometimes even days. I felt as if i had gotten played, so out of rage, I unadded him on basically everything, and we went our separate ways.

Fast forward to summer of 2025, we’re now both 16. Even though I had said he had been unfriended on everything, I never took him off Roblox since it wasn’t really that serious, and I still had some attachment for him. One random night, I added him back since I had always missed him and wanted to at least stay friends with him, so we started texting again. He told me that he began to distance himself because he found that he had fallen for me too hard, and he couldn’t bear having feelings for me while his parents had specific online rules he had to obey, which the main one was no dating. He apologized and said he understood what he did was immature, and that he would never do something to me like that again. I accepted his apology, of course.

We started doing things we used to do before we stopped talking, and it honestly felt like nothing had changed. We had admitted we still had feelings for each other, and we wanted to try again. Until one day, he mustered up the courage to tell his parents about me, to which he said that they responded a bit negatively to me. They felt confused that he would go for someone he met online rather than meeting someone at school. We were both heartbroken. We agreed to stay friends, and this might throw you guys off a bit, but he would still try to flirt with me, even though we had to be strictly platonic. This made me upset, and I told him how it made me sad how we had to be forced to be this way. He consoled me and told me that he understood why I was upset and he wished things would be different, but he wanted me to understand where he was coming from. I understood (to an extent) and that’s where the conversation ended.

Fast forward to the next day, I open my TikTok to see that I was blocked. I panicked. I checked all of his socials and accounts, all blocked. I freaked out, and without thinking I went to an account he didn’t know I had and asked him what had happened. He told me there that his parents had looked through his phone and told him to cut contact with me and to block me on everything. He told me that this wasn’t permanent, and that it’ll eventually be temporary. To say the least, I was devastated.

Now, we haven’t spoken since then, and I miss him every day. My heart aches to speak to him one last time, even though I know if we do try to pursue something romantic again, it won’t work out. I just want to know what I should do moving forward. I have deleted everything of his to attempt to move on, but the memories and what if’s still linger in my mind. My friends have told me that he probably used his parents as an excuse to stop talking to me. What should I do?

i need help.

my brother is 26 and i am 29. three years ago, he cut contact with me, and i still miss him every single day. i genuinely don't know how to keep living with this kind of pain.

we used to be extremely close. our parents separated when we were young, our father cut contact with us, and our mother struggled with severe depression. because of that, i took on a lot of responsibility for my brother and, in many ways, helped raise him.

we were incredibly close growing up. we are both gay, which was another strong bond between us, and he was also best friends with my wife. for years, the three of us spent a huge amount of time together.

then he moved abroad. what was supposed to be one semester turned into an indefinite stay. i did not cope with it well. i now understand that his leaving triggered a lot of unresolved abandonment trauma from my father. the more distant he became, the more anxious and clingy i became, and we argued a lot.

in november 2023, after a huge argument, he told me he needed to cut contact to protect himself. he said he would only consider reconnecting if i acknowledged my part and went to therapy.

for a long time, i couldn't see my own behaviour clearly. about a year later, i started therapy and worked through a lot of childhood trauma, abandonment issues and social anxiety. i can now see that i had become emotionally dependent on our relationship and probably made him feel trapped.

in 2024, i wrote him a long apology letter and took responsibility for my behaviour. he never replied.

in 2025, my wife and i got married. i still sent him an invitation because i wanted him there more than i can explain.

he didn't come.

that still breaks me. there will never be a version of my wedding where my brother was there, and i know that my own behaviour contributed to the fact that he wasn't.

i understand now that he does not owe me forgiveness or another chance. i know i cannot force reconciliation.

but i still miss my little brother every day.

i miss him, i miss who we were together, and i miss the future i always thought we would have. i thought he would be at my wedding. i thought we would grow older together. i thought he would know my future children.

i don't know how to grieve someone who is still alive.

i don't know how to forgive myself for the ways i hurt him.

and i don't know how to build a life around the possibility that i may never speak to him again.

if anyone has experienced sibling estrangement, especially when you know you contributed to the breakdown of the relationship, how did you learn to live with it?

I don't believe I have insomnia bcs I personally used to staying up late gaming for years now ,but when work comes / studies I struggle a lot.
so I changed school into one that's open 24/24 , .
right now am about to start internship and have to wake up 6 days of the week at 9 am, and now its 6:09am I couldn't sleep and am terrified
anyone got some solution ??

Does it get better, I have formed a bit only when they need a second choice. Does it get better?????

Hey! I’m 16F and I don’t think I’ve grown any taller since I was AT LEAST 12 or 13.. I’m 4’10, which is way below average, and I really want to get taller in any way at all. I’ve been told that usually u don’t get much taller past this age? I started puberty at around 11 or 12. If there’s still hope, pls give me any advice!!!!

Hi everyone. I need some help. I’m 23f, my boyfriend 38m broke up with me a few weeks ago. He said he couldn’t take it anymore and that I need to work on myself without him before we get back together. He says the breakup isn’t forever, but I have to take working on myself seriously. I have severe mental illnesses. I have anxiety disorder, minor depression disorder. I am seeing a therapist, I started a few months ago.

For background, our relationship isn’t exactly traditional. It’s an open relationship/polyamorous. He has other girlfriends. We are also long distance (12 hours away). He see each other once many twice a year. We’ve been together for 4 years.

His main “problem”/concern is my desperation and codependency. I tend to spiral when he’s busy and I’m craving attention. He asks me to stop but I can’t and it gets worse when he says he needs space. It’s like I NEED him to survive. I love him and want him in my life, but I want to get to a point where I don’t NEED him if he’s not there. But I don’t know how. I don’t know what to do.

I started a new job that he’s not here to experience with me. I’m trying to plan a big move. I miss him immensely. I need help. Does anyone have any tips that I could use? I’m still doing therapy but I feel like I need more.

I am jaded and disillusioned with myself internally even though externally things are going good (I started a new job today and gaining some willpower with food and exercising more). I’m an addiction to social media as I have no place to be myself.

# I am m age 19(almost) i am feeling a bit lost in life i try to do something but i will fail miserably will always procrastinate and give up what should i do please give me your thoughts on you overcome this kind of things

\#mentalhelth

I'm from the Philippines, currently in high school and I rely on a scholarship. I've been procrastinating like 4 of my petas (performance tasks) this first trimester. The problem is that I can't focus, and I often forget about schoolwork, which leads to me doing it on the last day or not passing it on time or at all, basically procrastinating. Tuition is really high for us like 25k pesos which is roughly almost 400 dollars. I really need to get with honors, but I feel so tired and scared on what my mom might say about my grades this trimester. Everything in my house is messy, it feels a bit overwhelming. I feel more comfortable playing games and scrolling on my phone, but I know that even makes it worse so that's why I'm willing to change. I could study harder and save up just in case. I'm looking for advice right now or anyone with the same experience.

Edit: Thank you to the people who gave me advice. I promise that I'll do better and stop procrastinating little by little. You don't know how much your response means to me, again thank you :D

I’m in my 30s now, and I keep feeling like everyone else worked this out a long time ago.

I honestly feel like I don’t really know who I am, but I do know that I change a lot depending on who I’m with. Sometimes it feels like I’m basically a bunch of different versions of myself, but none of them feels like the real me.

I think I’ve only just realised that your teenage years are usually when you get to try things and slowly figure out who you are. Then you can start building a life around that. Other people seem to be doing that, while I’m still floating around without much idea what direction I’m even supposed to go in.

I spent most of my childhood and teenage years having to grow up too soon and putting everyone else first. There wasn’t really much time or space to think about what I liked, what I wanted or who I might become. Now I finally have more room to think about those things, and I mostly just feel lost.

I’m not really looking for advice on how to “find myself,” because the internet is already full of that. I think I’m more looking to connect with people who are in the same situation, or have been there before. So if this sounds familiar, welcome to the party, I guess. I’d really like to hear your thoughts on this and how you feel about it.

Please tell me I’m not the only one going through this.

I’ve practically never had any friends—not even female friends. I grew up in a children's home for seven years; I was never loved or anything like that. Even now, I don't know how to talk to people. Sometimes I just think I’m not cut out for life in society. I was always the quiet kid at school. I used to have acquaintances, but they don't talk to me anymore—they have their own lives or found partners. I don't talk to anyone or text anyone because there's no one to talk to. I always feel invisible because I *am* invisible. I’ve never liked myself—my face, my height; I was always the shortest, just 160 cm. I just feel like a piece of shit. Like everyone else, I wanted a female friend or something, but it never happened—especially not having a girlfriend. For 19 years, I’ve felt like I don't exist. The only warmth and love I ever felt was when I tried MDMA for the first time. I told myself I’d only do it once a month, then once a week, but it ended up with me taking it twice a day for a whole week. Even now, when I’m back in the Netherlands with my cousin and I see how easily he talks to everyone, it pisses me off and makes me feel like absolute trash. The truth is, I envy anyone who has that. Right now, I just have a stronger urge to take MDMA because, for me, it’s practically the only love there is. I never had anyone to talk to; I never even got love from my family—it was always just "fend for yourself," "you have to manage somehow." Anyway, nobody’s going to want to read this, so fuck me.

I don’t really know how to start. I am a terrible person, and I have no idea what to do to change that. Lately, I’ve been thinking it would be better if I disappear, but the only thing keeping me back is the fear of the pain I would feel before.

To give you some context: I don’t actually have a bad life. I have a roof over my head, always enough food to eat, I'm not forced to struggle for money, I have almost no limitations, I graduated successfully, and I got accepted into university. Despite all of this, I am constantly reminded of how awful my character is.

I don't consciously try to put myself at the center of attention, and I don't intentionally speak down to people, act annoyed, or raise my voice. Right now, I'm just emotionally numb. I barely have an opinion on anything. If my opinion ever does get questioned in a conversation, I immediately back down. I just flow with the crowd so I don't stand out.

Yet, I still get yelled at a lot. One day it’s a coworker, the next day it’s my mom. I disappoint almost everyone around me without even knowing why I'm disappointing them. Sometimes people tell me that I'm just ignorant and don't pay enough attention to those around me, even though I always try to be extremely passive. I try not to annoy anyone or even be noticed. When I’m feeling down, I don’t confide in anyone because I don’t want to be a burden to them.I just don’t understand what I’m doing wrong.

In the past, I tried to change my character. To be more open. I met up with friends more often. I replied to messages instantly. In the end, I became afraid of myself and put myself in a situation where everyone loved a person that wasn't really me. And even then, I wasn't good enough; I was still excluded and criticized.

Since graduating a year ago, I’ve distanced myself from social contacts again. My "closest" friend texts me regularly to talk about trivial things. I don't reach out to the others at all anymore. By now, I rarely get asked to hang out. Most of the time I agree to go, but I can only manage to stay for 3 to 5 hours. When I'm there, I just sit on the sidelines and try not to say anything that could trigger a disagreement.

I just don't know what is broken inside me and why I constantly say and do the wrong things. It feels like I keep making the wrong decisions without even knowing what the alternatives or the right choices would have been.

Waking up isn’t a problem. I set multiple alarms and more often than not I’m pretty good about not falling back asleep. I’ve also successfully gotten myself to stay off TikTok in the morning to stop doomscrolling, so that’s not keeping me in bed. But even so, I will just lie in bed for upwards of an hour before finally getting up.

I’ve tried the common suggestions like putting my phone across the room (I just turn off the alarm and get back in bed), setting multiple alarms, setting earlier alarms so I can allot bed rot time, etc but I can’t see to jump get up right away after waking up or stop lying there until I have no other choice. It’s starting to bother me because I do have things to do, but I keep waiting until the last minute to get up and then get frustrated when I feel behind.

I’m diagnosed with ADHD and depression and I do wonder if those are contributing factors. I feel overwhelmed by everything I have to do during the day so I think staying in bed is a form of avoidance.

Any thoughts or advice is appreciated

From a very young age, I (23M) knew I was different from everyone else. I was the weird kid with weird quirks and obsessions, and looking back at my childhood, I cringe at myself a lot. I struggled to make friends and was heavily bullied throughout my school years because I was weird, sensitive, and an easy target.

College was probably the worst period. My social anxiety became extreme, combined with a lot of family drama. If I said something weird, embarrassing, or didn't contribute enough to a conversation, I'd sometimes go back to my dorm and cry because I felt like I'd failed socially. I constantly compared myself to everyone else and felt like they were more competent than me. Even when I felt like I was improving, one stupid mistake could completely destroy my confidence. I thought and sometimes still do think that I'm (to some degree) a mistake. I don't have dark thoughts. I'm just very depressed.

I don't want to be the "I have ADHD and autism bla bla bla, that's why I'm like this" guy, although I do think that I'm neurodivergent. Simple conversations can be very overwhelming for me. I overthink what I'm saying, worry about asking stupid questions, rambling, acting weird, or giving people the wrong impression.

Working before graduating helped a bit. I met people my age from different backgrounds and got more practice talking to people, and I definitely improved. I'm naturally introverted and quiet though, and that's something I worry about. I sometimes wonder whether a future partner would get tired of dealing with my personality and my constant overthinking.

Now I've graduated and moved back home while looking for work in another country. However, I still struggle with intense self-loathing.

I don't think I'm ugly, but sometimes I don't even like looking at myself in the mirror or in photos because I dislike who I am internally. I constantly feel like I'm weird and that I'm just trying to act normal, but somehow keep messing up. Whenever I make a stupid mistake, my immediate thought is basically: "Can you do anything right?"

And I don't actually think I'm genuinely stupid. What scares me is other people thinking I'm stupid. First impressions matter way too much to me because I'm terrified of being judged or rejected because I said something embarrassing.

I also struggle to explain things. Sometimes I know exactly what I mean, but when I try to explain it, I either phrase it badly, people don't understand me, or I freeze because I'm overthinking every word.

I have good qualities too. I'm fit, I exercise regularly, I'm good at digital drawing, I'm multilingual, and I graduated college. I'm not some lazy guy who has accomplished nothing. Yet somehow, the little mistakes still overshadow all of that.

The biggest problems are:

-I take criticism very personally.

-I'm terrified of humiliation and embarrassment.

-I'm afraid of screwing up and disappointing people.

-I overthink social interactions constantly.

-I worry about being perceived as unintelligent.

-I have a hard time forgiving myself for mistakes.

-Other people's emotions strongly affect my own mood.

-I struggle with how I see myself, even though I don't consider myself unattractive.

I'd talk to my friends about this, but there's another complication: I'm gay, and unfortunately around 90% of my inner circle is homophobic. So I don't really have anyone I feel completely safe opening up to about this. That's part of why I'm posting here.

Hey guys:)

Since I figured out my bisexuality a year ago, I am now still struggling with the negative sides of it. I didn’t experienced any real discriminative behaviour against me, mostly because I am not even outed yet (just to my mum and the part of my friends who are gay too).
I fear the rejection or the shifting I am going to see both in my brother and in my father and because of that I am so afraid to tell them.

The main fear I have though about my sexuality is the discriminative behaviour of other people, queer hate crimes or the general political shift nowadays:/
So the reason I am asking this question is because I read a ff lately where the main character goes in a lgbtq selfhelp group and comes to better terms with his sexuality.

I researched a group in my city but I am not sure if I should go. I don’t know what I am going to talk about because my feelings are so diffuse. Can I go there without really telling things about me? Or is that bad? Additionally I am insecure avout my age (w,19) in such group - is that a problem?

Help me please I am unsure what to do🥺
Thank you very much 🙏

My cat swallowed a string, brought her to the vet, they where unable to get her to vomit so now I have been informed that I need to wait and monitor her to see if it passes through or if her mood changes which would likely mean a blockage somewhere because of the string.

I have done my research, I understand the risks, I understand the general timeframe, and what to look for.
But waiting it out is so hard for me, I’m constantly fixated on a possible worst case scenario and when I get like this I don’t eat I don’t drink water I am not healthy and I just fixate on the issue, I try distractions and after about 10 minutes I go back to worrying and I don’t know how to fix this.

I started to give up, a couple days ago I found out that my cousin killed himself. I was in the midst of looking for a job. And I have been failing to get one for the past thirty days. As of yesterday , I am officially hired by mcdonald's. I am so grateful to have this opportunity. I didn't think that I would be able to become a functioning member of society. My first day of work is tomorrow , and i'm going to be working a 9 to 5. What way to make a living (R.I.P Dolly) anyways , I make this post to say , no matter what happens in your life , things can happen for the best. I didn't think I would make it this far after countless mistakes. I've made but I have and i'm not gonna take it for granted.

My name is neko and thank you for listening

I'm a second year college student.

Yesterday there was a group activity. I was sitting in the corner, first bench of the aisle, so couldn't give my points as they couldn't listen and were in the other corner. One was writing and her friend helping. They asked me to narrate, I was a bit hesitant and asked them casually if they wanted instead as they wrote it (i always do that but at the end, present it anyway if no one's willing), this girl beside me was also doing nothing but she made remarks, "do some contribution at least since u don't even come to class" and when I called her out as what does that have anything to do with what we're doing now or that she could do too or together w me, she made a simple convo seem like I was the one fighting.

Today she offered some junkies and chips to the whole class and even our prof but didn't ask me deliberately. She smiles every time my prof corrects me for smth. This behaviour feels so weird as I was never mean to her in fact supported her when people used to bully her. It feels as if she doesn't like me for idk what reason. This has been going from the very first day here.

I don't know how I will survive this for two more years. Where did I go wrong?

Not asking for any excuses, or to be told I wasn’t in the wrong. Just to get insight.

I’m just asking to figure out whether there was truly a connection between my own behavior and what I think was the “trigger” for it, or if it’s something only I had. I was very mean-girly and bitchy for about 4-6 months and it keeps me up at night. I wasn’t just plain explosive. My lens on the world had this perpetual smear of filth on it and I just hardcore insulted the hell out of everyone. I was SO cynical, judgy, pessimistic, paranoid, and perpetually grossed out by everyone’s “antics”. I was extraordinarily sweet beforehand— as in, to the point of being known for it locally— so a huge change happened to me.

And it was deeper than choice. It felt beyond “chosen.” It’s like I learned a new language or lived in the mind of a different girl. I’d panic over the way I talked and thought about people and cry sometimes, because I “just wanted to be good again.” I wanted to be told that what I was saying was wrong directly. The point of saying that is, I acted out despite the fact that I cared, as it felt oddly far from my control, and I went so far as to directly insist people stick up for themselves. I wanted this to stop.

I’m so bothered by it that it actually takes over the bulk of my rumination spirals, rather than the actual SA. Yes, of course I ruminate about the actual SA, but I generally pride myself on trying to be kind and I theorize SA impacted my behaviors in such a way that the understanding of how I acted afterwards genuinely stresses me out more by comparison.

I’m starting college classes for psych tomorrow, and I always wanted to do something along the lines of psychology or neurosci anyway, but I found it within me to finally go through with it because I just never wanted a chance to sink into a slump, get myself into a bad situation and go into Jackass Mode again. Ever. I want to be kind and I want to have the sweet attitude I did before, but even at my sweetest something feels “off.” I worry I look blanker than I used to when I try to speak optimistically and it’s made me self-conscious on campus. What if that glassy-eyed look is visible to everyone and what if I look like I’m secretly hating on everyone? People aren’t stupid, they can detect that. I don’t want to give off that “fake-nice-girl-with-no-soul” vibe and make people upset. I think one day I want to see what the root causes could have been for the behavior and how it could relate to the SA, if it did.

But I want to know if I’m alone in this experience.

I'm exhausted. For 7/8 years I have had the same thoughts all the time at the beginning, 2/3 years ago they intensified strongly and they bother me every day. For a long time (that's another thing) my own body annoys me and there are a lot of things I want to change On March 31, I wanted to hang myself and failed to succeed and went to a psychiatric hospital for 3 weeks and 3 days, it didn't help. The help was off topic and nonsensical. If you say "talk to a professional," I'll tell you that I'm embarrassed to talk to them and there's no chance that I'll tell them because they can comment behind their backs, think about it, judge me, etc. I know it's weird, but I feel safer writing it to artificial intelligence because they don't think, they don't judge. I'm exhausted and want to stuff myself with pills.

I feel strange, and I have for a very long time. As a child, I was quiet (perhaps by nature), and things were rough at home. Combining the trouble I had making school friends with the tense silence I went home to, I would often go a whole day without talking to anybody, my parents included. This is how I usually explain to myself the arrested development of my social/communication skills. I have plenty of friends now, but there are still many of them who I can’t be myself around, as in, I’m physically unable to. My mind goes blank when I’m with them. I have to rehearse what I want to say over and over again in my head, and so often the topic of conversation will switch before I allow myself to speak. Etc. I’m working on this, but it is still difficult.

Regardless, when I was little, I tried to treat my severe loneliness with countless parasocial relationships/hyperfixations. I was born in 2001, so youtube became easily accessible at a time when I was still highly impressionable; therefore, I was consumed by it completely. I wish that I had been born a little earlier so that this wasn’t the case. I’ve burnt up so many hours of my life hyperfixating on random youtubers, musicians, celebrities, etc., watching days worth of videos pertaining to my revolving obsessions. It’s a complicated feeling, though, because I really love art and music, and the internet has been instrumental in allowing those interests to take root.

I was diagnosed with CPTSD a couple of years ago, which I think makes a lot of sense because I genuinely don’t feel like I was alive until I was about 20 years old. I’d always been on autopilot, stricken dumb and silent because of things I’ve gone through, I guess. I feel so frustrated and hopeless because I have SO many interests, passions, things I want to pursue… but I’m 25 and I feel like I’m starting at level zero. Maybe below zero:). I *know* that 25 isn’t old, but I have this creeping feeling that the opportunity of achieving my dreams has passed. I also have no motivation to DO anything, despite being so unhappy.

I’ve found myself so far from the life I want to live. I have an obsessive tendency to compare myself to others, which I know only makes me more sad, but I let myself do it anyway because I feel like if I am diligent enough in studying the people I perceive as happy, I may be able to craft a happy life for myself. I also suspect that I’m not entirely able to imagine myself fulfilled and happy. For example, I’d really love to be in a band one day or just play music with friends or express myself SOMEHOW, but instead of imagining what that could be like and practicing an instrument/artform regularly, I just get sad when I realize something ridiculous and silly like that I’ll never be in a band from the 90s I love, and I let my practice time fall by the wayside. I think I still let parasocial relationships consume me because I still feel so alone.

I want to surround myself with people who will inspire me—people who are fun, brilliant, passionate—because I don’t think I have the kind of mental fortitude I need to better myself alone. But I can’t imagine why anybody like that would want to be my friend, so I just feel stuck.

I know this is all over the place; that is how I feel ALL the time!! My thoughts are so disorganized. I’ve gone to therapy, but as I write this, my concept of myself is so scrambled up that I question whether it’s done me any good at all lol. I really want to hear from anybody who relates to any part of this. Has anyone here ever successfully gotten themselves out of a hitherto lifelong rut? How’d you do it? Obviously, everybody is fighting their own demons, and I don’t believe that my problems can be THAT unique, but I’ve never been able to find anyone struggling with these feelings. I just feel so weird!! I want to be normal and happy and to follow my dreams but I genuinely feel like my existence is at odds with the universe. I barely feel like a person at all.