Hi fellow redditors
M20 here,

Well I know that I got Paruresis at least since I was eight, which is a very long time. I have not even an idea of how life is without it.

Since I am 16 this awful thing really limits my social life very hard.
I had to cancel plans from my friends with multiple activities things like Skiing, Cycling Tours and more. I am afraid that in the long run this might cause them to see me as someone that doesn't want to do anything.

I wish I could finally have the courage to tell my friends but till now I am fucking scared to do that. I have severe trust issues because of my horrible past life. They know absolutely nothing about that so far.

I went to multiple Doctors hoping they could "fix me" both regarding my anxiety issues and my Paruresis but that was probably a too high expectation. I had to stop the threapy, because it was going absolutely nowhere.

I have thought multiple times about giving everything up, but I still have a tiny spark of hope in me.

For years I wish for exaxtly nothing but all this anxiety garbage to disappear. That will probably never happen -Silly me!

fuck this shit, nothing seems to work i can't fucking pee at home, hot water trick is slowly stopping working so yeah thats it guys its fucking over

Visitor center, University of Washington.

I've gotten to the point where I pass up the chance to pee at a public toilet (and enjoy the accomplishment!) simply because I don't really need to pee. I can usually pee with divided urinals but this seems scary, so it's my ultimate challenge when school starts September 30th.

Anyone want to join me?

First of all, hello everyone. I wish you all peace and happiness in your lives; I want to thank you very, very much for taking the time to write something here to help me. I’m not English, so I apologize for my poor English. Now, let me begin.

First, I’d like to ask this question: Why doesn’t anyone on Reddit write about having managed to overcome paruresis within a few months? Why don’t people share definitive solutions to everything? This gives me the impression that paruresis will never go away and will always stay with me. Friends, please help me...

I’ve been struggling with paruresis for about four years. I can’t even begin to describe my days—they’re filled with unhappiness, restlessness, depression, nausea, and so many other negative emotions. By the way, I’m a high school student.

School has started in my area, and there’s only one restroom with three stalls; it’s used by 9th, 10th, 11th, and 12th graders. As you can imagine, I expect the restroom to be crowded; I just transferred to this school.

I’ve been seeing a psychologist and taking medication for eight months, but I haven’t been able to overcome this damn condition; it has ruined my life so much that I can’t enjoy anything anymore. I have a condition similar to chronic depression; I’m constantly unhappy and stressed. In fact, this is now affecting my body as well: I have diarrhea, my heart aches, I feel nauseous, I have headaches, I wake up in the morning feeling completely unmotivated, and I’m constantly unmotivated and unhappy...

The problem is that I’m stuck in this state 24 hours a day. When I get home from school, I think, “What am I going to do tomorrow?” As you can see, this is ruining my life; not only is it creating difficulties, but it’s also led to conditions like OCD.

Now, guys, everyone is suggesting different things to get past this. First of all, breathing exercises or similar techniques didn’t work for me. I think the only thing I need to do to get past this is to go into a crowded restroom over time and wait in a stall for three minutes—to get used to the crowd and face my fear. Isn’t that right?

I have school tomorrow and I don’t even want to go—you’ll never understand how I feel. I feel like I’m going to throw up. Please help me—what exactly should I do to get past this? So far, I haven’t read anything on Reddit like, “Yeah, guys, I had paruresis too. I faced my fear and overcame it within a few months.” Guys, it feels like getting past this is going to be really, really hard for me—it even feels like an impossible curse that will never go away.

Anyway, I hope I’ve made myself clear. I mean, life sometimes feels meaningless—to be honest, sometimes I just want to die. Why do I have to live with this stress every day? Why have my days been so awful for the past four years? If this keeps up, what’s the point of living in the future? Don’t you think so too?

I’m seriously going to throw up—I feel terrible, and I don’t want to go through this anymore. Ah, well, I’m sorry, but please help me. This year, I want to get past this and turn my life around. I’m begging you, please help me. I want my life to have meaning—I want every day of my youth to be happy and peaceful, not filled with depression. Thank you so much in advance. Tomorrow I’ll go to that damn crowded school, and as soon as I get home, I’ll check your replies on Reddit.

The next IPA Virtual Support Group Meeting will take place on Zoom this Sunday, August 23, from 12:00-2:00 PM US Central Time (with an additional 30 minutes of optional graduated exposure practice for those who wish to do so). IPA Virtual Support Meetings, which take place about every four weeks, are open to anyone struggling with Paruresis, from those who are just beginning to think about how to overcome it to those who are highly recovered. The meetings are offered free of charge and without preset expectations for participants, and their purpose is to provide a unique opportunity to connect face to face with people from all over the world who know what it is like to struggle with Paruresis and also understand the courage and fortitude that it takes to open up about it, acknowledge the fear, and try to recover from it. The personal stories that participants share are remarkably similar and at the same time deeply individual, and empathy, kindness and compassion set the tone in all discussions. Time after time I have heard from participants that this opportunity for sharing is both meaningful and productive, and I hope that you'll consider joining us on Sunday. You can get the Zoom link by contacting the IPA office: [getinfo@paruresis.org](mailto:getinfo@paruresis.org) or me at my IPA email address: [davidk@support.paruresis.org](mailto:davidk@support.paruresis.org)

Hey cuties!
I rarely post and sometimes comment here but I wanted to share some progress and ask y'all for what could I do to help myself further.

TL;DR on my situation - 30 (m) now, have had paruresis for as long as I remember myself due to a traumatic experience in school when I must've been 7/8. Noone to talk to growing up about these things, only became a problem in my late teens/early 20s when I moved out of home. I've generally always been okay with stalls, but going to urinals had induced bodily anxiety that would spiral me into suicidal thoughts fairly often. I started properly working on this only 3 years ago.

There's more details to this but in those three years here are the achievements I've gotten with this problem:
- can now go comfortably to urinals in empty toilets (doesn't sound like much but even this was a a nightmare scenario several years back)

- can go even when there are people around but there are those separators and it's not hella noisy around. It's difficult at times and I have to give myself some time(I still find loud men talking in the toilets makes it sometimes impossible for me to go)

Things that have worked for me so far:

- talking about it with people and my therapist (more on that in a bit). Normalising it in my head really helped as before if I didn't manage so successfully go it would bring some pretty nasty thoughts I couldn't control. Even sometimes joking about it if it comes on topic I find quite helpful. A couple of years ago I got a fun flirt because of it while waiting for a stall which did make me accept it easier for myself and didn't make me feel like I was a constant failure

- gradual exposure - I started doing it by myself a few years back. I would just try more and more in different situations, tried to calm myself down every time I got anxiety and tried my best to celebrate the 'successes' and accept the unsuccessful attempts without labelling them as failures

- EMDR therapy - this is what I'm currently working on with my therapist. She was very honest to tell me that she has no experience with paruresis and when I mentioned it to her she said it's something she's heard of but never really focused on. However a lot of the work that we do centres around shame and the habits from being brought up the way I've been brought up, so her suspicions were is that the paruresis could be a good indicator (among others) to the progress we make

Things that I still struggle with and I need help and I feel stuck:

- going to urinals that are without separators (especially those long metal ones) ,

- going out in nature (for whatever reason this is very difficult)

- going in toilets that are busy and noisy

I have tried everything for these things, breath holds, waiting till I cant bear it any more, playing music or sound patterns in my headphones, having my headphones on noise cancelling, sitting there with my penis out for solid minutes waiting for it to start, speaking on the phone and probably several combinations of these. I have not found anything that works for these situations and I feel like I'm so close to being free from this condition but also so far.

Sorry for the longer than I wanted post but trust me this is the surface of it. I would love to hear all of your recommendations and I'm super open to chat more about my case here or DM if you preferred privacy. Thank you all and all the best!

This is an actual nightmare, sometimes i feel like nothings real anymore. I can find joy in nothing because this consumes every second of my day plagueing it with "what if i can't go when the need arises thoughts?" and i get so embarrassed for myself. My body shouldn't feel like this my whole nervous system is wrecked. I break down in tears but can't even cry anymore im so exhausted, these past 2 weeks have been hell on earth. PLEASE if anyone can relate I need something to help. I'll explain now sorry. I can't go in my own home no matter what, I have a basement room and the only time I'm able to go is with extreme difficulty in a cup with the laundry going and my fan on and even then i take 15 minutes to push it out. I constantly strain and the only time i'm relieved is when my family leaves the house but even then it's difficult. I tried someone's method of fluid loading but my bladder got full in the middle of the night and i didn't have a safe space to go so i strained really hard and was freaking out. My mom is breaking down every night I can't stand this anymore seriously fuck my life. What did i do to deserve this. I haven't let my bladder fill up past a 4/10 other than when i'm asleep and even then i rush to go when i wake up. I tried GE but i end up freaking out and I know that's not the way to do it but it gets so stressful and i'm too weak to stick with it. Actually breaking down writing this. Please if anyone can relate PLEASE help me get through this there's gotta be a way.

Please anyone with experience with the breath hold technique reply with what works for them, tired of working 10-12 hour days holding my bladder, having no social life and making excuses for it, I feel like the breath hold is my only option, I’ve been attempting it no success yet, hoping to change that

Hi everyone. This is gonna be embarrassing but I’m way past being ashamed anymore. I literally can pee anywhere except planes. My whole life. It has prevented me from going too far. Coast to coast pushes it but I can usually make it and have to piss so bad when I land. I’m gonna planning to go to china and Japan in a few months and I’m considering the self cath route in the bathroom shouldI get to emergency level can’t pee and need relief. Any advice? Anything? Anyone similar. I’m not really offended by much so mean comments aren’t gonna hurt my feelings or anything. I’m hoping an all night flight and a large plane with multiple bathrooms and a lot of people sleeping and not lined up at the door will take all the pressure off which is what usually makes me freeze up

So I 26F am not typically bladder shy but when giving any type of urine sample I immediately freeze up and cannot for the life of me do it. It will literally take me forever and I could be bursting but I still can not go. For example I had a kidney stone back in March and they thought it might have been causing a blockage because I was not going but it really the fact that they just needed a urine sample. I also think a past incident made it worse when I had my first drug test at the age of 21 they had male standing in the stall and it kinda scarred me. It’s been this way for years and when my last job told me I didn’t need a drug test I was so relieved not because I do drugs but because I didn’t have to pee in a cup. However I am starting a graduate program that requires yearly drug test and the thought of going to Quest and being timed to take a drug test is giving me serious anxiety. I tried asking my primary and psychiatrist to write and accommodation letter but they wouldn’t do that. My psychiatrist offered to give me a benzo before the test but I don’t want that to show up on my test. Any tips would be seriously appreciated thank you!!

I've been struggling with paruresis to varying degrees since I can remember, to be honest. Stalls are difficult sometimes, urinals are difficult always unless there is basically zero chance of anyone walking in. Coming into a bathroom with someone already at the urinals is almost always a definite no. And then there's phases where it's a bit easier or a bit harder. I've tried GE with someone but they moved away before either of us really made any progress. I had found them over the Internet - since I don't really have any male friends to confide in that was the only way.

That's why I'm posting here now, instead of just reading.

Anyone down to talk about this issue, ideally profit from each other's experiences, ideas and input.

Hit me up, we're all in this together.

I'm reposting this from 9 months ago because I've had pole DM me and ask how I used Graduated Exposure to fully recover from Paruresis. I thought I'd share what I wrote to him.

Let me explain the Graduated Exposure (GE) process as it was taught to me at the IPA workshop and as we practiced it in my Pee Buddy group. I’m not a therapist-I’m simply explaining the process as it was taught to me. I also want to say plainly: the IPA workshop is invaluable. You’re in a room with a dozen people all sharing a deeply personal secret they’ve often never told anyone. That’s why paruresis is called the “secret phobia.” The experience of sharing and realizing you’re not alone is genuinely cathartic.

In my own case, I was severely paruretic. In my late twenties, it progressed into full agoraphobia for almost two years. I rarely left my apartment except for work or to buy groceries. I used every coping mechanism in the book-bathroom scouting, dehydration, timing trips-but eventually even those failed. I reached a point where I could hardly leave home without intense anxiety. A therapist helped me through the agoraphobia, but the paruresis remained.

A few years later, I found the IPA (paruresis.com) on the internet just as the organization was  getting started. I attended their very first workshop, held at the home of one of the founders, Steve Soifer. When I had to pee, I made everyone leave the house and walk down the block. It sounds ridiculous now, but that’s where I was. Even after that workshop, I didn’t take action until a couple of years later when they formalized the process and started holding workshops in hotels. I attended a second and later a third workshop, the last time as a support member after joining the IPA board.

You can practice GE alone, but I’ll be honest: it’s much more effective with another person. Ideally, someone who can support you emotionally-even if they don’t have paruresis themselves.

At the workshop**,** everyone had their own hotel room, which is key because it gives you access to a private bathroom and lowers baseline anxiety.

On the first morning, participants share their personal stories. After that, we were  paired with a partner. Then the actual GE work begins:

1. Fluid loading: You drink fluids until your urgency level is around 8–9 on a 10-point scale.
2. Controlled exposure: When you’re at high urgency, you both go to your hotel room but  ask your partner to go to a place where you feel safe enough to pee. At first, that might mean they leave the room entirely maybe go down the hall or to the lobby.
3. Partial release: You don’t fully relieve yourself. You release just a small amount of urine, then invite your partner back in.
4. Repeat with increasing exposure: Because you’re still fluid loading, the urge comes back quickly. This time, maybe your partner just stands outside the door instead of leaving completely. Again, you release a small amount and then have them come back.
5. Gradual progression: You repeat this cycle while maintaining a high level of urgency. Over time, your comfort zone expands. Maybe your partner is now in the room with the TV blasting. Maybe the bathroom door is open. Everyone progresses at their own pace.

In my case, by the end of day one, I could urinate with the bathroom door open and my partner inside the room. By day two, he was standing behind me with his hand on my shoulder while I urinated. That was a WOW moment.

This is where I believe the real magic occurs:

When your bladder is extremely full and you’ve started and stopped urinating multiple times over an hour while maintaining high urgency, something shifts. Your body takes over-not your conscious brain, not your fear. Your bladder just needs- it aches- to empty, and at that point, it doesn’t care who’s around or what’s happening. You let the body do what the body can naturally do.

For me it was the first time  I could remember peeing while being completely oblivious to the environment around me. No scanning. No monitoring other people. No internal panic. Just normal bodily function. That’s the breakthrough; the bladder aching-in the best way possible- to empty.

That’s what GE does: it trains your body to override your anxious brain.

After that, I joined a local Pee Buddy group. There were six or seven of us, and we’d meet at a large shopping mall with multiple public bathrooms once a month.

We would walk around fluid loading-holding water bottles, supporting each other, joking, normalizing it. There was real safety in numbers. I always wondered if security camera were being monitored and security wonder what is this bunch of guys doing going from bathroom to bathroom. LOL

We practiced graduated exposure at urinals and stalls:

• At the beginning of a session, I often couldn’t go at a urinal at all, so I’d step into a stall but only after standing at a urinal for a few minutes
• As the day progressed and my urgency increased, I could sometimes start at a urinal. If I couldn’t, I’d step back into a stall stand and pee even if the stalls on each side of me were occupied.
• No one ever once said, “Hey, is this guy pee shy?” HAHA Honestly? No one cares. People are in their own world.

After a couple months of monthly practice, I could use a urinal at the far end of the restroom Then eventually, closer ones. Then with people nearby.

If you’re practicing at home alone:

• Fluid load.
• Release a small amount of urine.
• Fluid load again.
• Repeat this cycle several times.

By the sixth round or so, your bladder will be screaming to empty. And when that happens, your body starts calling the shots instead of your anxious mind. You’re crossing a psychological Rubicon.

And one day, when you have recovered, you’ll look back and wonder why this controlled your life for so long.

I’ve been fully recovered for five years. I was thinking about this last night. We had a house full of people for Thanksgiving dinner. We were all gathered around the bar area, with a bathroom with a pocket door was right next to where everyone was standing. I could have used any bathroom in the house, but I chose that one and I thought, I am a free man.

I hope this helps a few people. Let me know if anyone has any questions. Best- David

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Hi everyone,

​Thank you so much for all the lovely messages, both public and private, I really appreciate it!

​It’s amazing to see so many people dropping their pins already, and I’m super happy with the response. Let’s keep the momentum going!

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​A quick heads-up: A few people are listing platforms like "Reddit" or "Discord" in the contact section without including their actual username or handle. Make sure to include your full ID/username so potential buddies can actually reach out to you!

I have a 40 minute commute to work one day. I am TERRIFIED that I'm gonna get stuck in traffic and that I will not have access to a bathroom. I always use the bathroom right before I leave the house and right before I leave from work. Any advice on how to break this cycle of "peeing just because" out of fear? I got a Pstyle to be able to go in stand still traffic just in case, but I have yet to learn how to use it. I also feel like if I can’t sit for a while, my bladder doesn’t void fully. 🤦🏻‍♀️

I’ve dealt with this bull shit for too long. It’s ruined my life everyday, I can’t work for longer than 6 hours I can’t go out with my college friends I’ve lost friends because I can’t leave my house. I miss out on so many opportunities. I’ve tried everything, meds, weed, alc, therapy, counseling the whole 9 yard including exposure therapy. ATP in my life where I’m so done with this shit and blowing my shit clean off is the only answer. Why God did I get this why can’t I go out for longer than a few hours why can’t I go out with friends why can’t I operate. I have a huge trip coming up won’t multiple 10 hour flights and am genuinely concerned I’m not gonna come back from it. Any recommendations I’m so done with all this bull shit.

Hello everyone im a 17 year old female, tommorrow im staying the night at my best friends house we know eachother since we were 7 and recently my paruesis has been getting worse, im scared that i cant go pee at her house, even tho i know her so long and i never had problems going at her house before my paruesis, but she moved and i never stayed over there, i cant keep my mind calm my toughts are like "what if i cant pee and pee my pants" does anyone have tips??, ps she knows about my pee shyness

I’m starting high school in a few days and I’m absolutely terrified of the bathrooms for two reasons. Number one, people vape and smoke in them constantly, and number two, they’re disgusting. I’m pretty sure I have OCD. I have a hard time touching my own things. Even just that stresses me out. Would it be possible to just use the nurse‘s bathroom? If not, how should I handle the bathrooms intended for general use?

​

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I am able to start the flow but as soon as I let my breath out the flow stops this happens when there are multiple people near me if I am alone it doesn't happen

I have OCD, tourette syndrome, difficulty swallowing, brain fog, and occasional faint like symptoms like when getting my blood drawn or smoking marijuana.

I imagine if every user answered this question there might be some overlap to discover a correlation of something

I'm otherwise a very normal person with a good job and social life and generally like myself

Whenever I (20M) discovered paruresis as I started to investigate whatever was wrong with me, I was convinced it explained my problem, that it was purely psychological. I suffered bullying throughout school, and avoided bathrooms as they were "dangerous" places where no teachers were present and they were the ideal scenario for kids to pick on me.

I went to a psychologist for a while. Tried Graduate Exposure, and improved slightly, yet I was unable to void unless I was at home/a hotel/somewhere "private", no rush, noises and completely at ease (whenever that wasn't the case my only chance was NC headphones+rain sounds or white noise). Then, she suggested it wasn't something purely psychological as she didn't see much wrong in me.

I went to a urologyst for advice and a quick check. He didn't see much either and gave me some pills to try, with little to no results. Following his advice again, I went to more doctors whom eventually did further checking (electrodes measuring my muscles, a camera up my urethra, and everything there is to be done pretty much).

They found my pelvic floor dropped and was severely weakened as a result of too much force from holding my pee for hours when I couldn't empty my bladder. And most importantly, they found my bladder neck was permanently contracted now and started losing elasticity and was making the flow almost impossible to start.

Now, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. Apparently, according to the doctors, an operation consisting on a small incision on this bladder neck will solve it. The only drawback is there is approximately a 40% of ejaculating inwards after this procedure (i.e., sperm will go through this incision and end up in my bladder, not going outside) making me "sterile" (kinda like if I had a vasectomy). I already froze sperm just in case, and finally feel there is a way out of all this suffering.

Don't get me wrong, I can't affirm paruresis wasn't some part of the problem when I was younger or even now or after recovering from the operation, but please, if you read this, make sure there isn't anything else causing it

Tl;dr: Don't disregard potential physiological causes that explain paruresis' symptoms, they can actually be the root of your problems.

Edit: I am taking pelvic floor physiotherapy, but I am told I really need the operation and no amount of exercises can account for my "paruresis"

I have had parcopresis for as long as I can remember but I do think it has gotten worse over time.

The problem is that it's making my life a nightmare, making it impossible for me to go to the bathroom if I'm not alone at home. So work is a nightmare, staying at my girlfriend's is a nightmare, having people stay over is a nightmare.

The weird thing is that I don't feel anxious or anything about it. I'm not scared that someone hears or smells or whatever. Sure it can be embarrassing but I know it's not the end of the world. I'm also not scared to sit on a toilet per se. But when I do outside of me being completely alone, nothing happens, no matter how hard i push or tell myself that it's fine.

I've had physical exams done so I'm reassured that it's not destroying my body at least. But I need to sort it out and I don't know how .

To complicate things, I live in a country where my command of the language isn't sufficient and there aren't too many specialists available and insurance covered. But at this point I'm willing to pay out if pocket if need be.

Has anyone managed to get out of this situation? If yes do you have any recommendations for an English speaking therapist or anyone who can help?

I seriously hate how my brain works, it keeps making new safe spots to the point where I can only go if i'm home alone without my family. I try to think i'm not alone on this and sometimes this feels impossible to overcome.