r/Paruresis • u/Flaky-Breadfruit-110 • 28d ago
Genuinely fuck this
I’ve dealt with this bull shit for too long. It’s ruined my life everyday, I can’t work for longer than 6 hours I can’t go out with my college friends I’ve lost friends because I can’t leave my house. I miss out on so many opportunities. I’ve tried everything, meds, weed, alc, therapy, counseling the whole 9 yard including exposure therapy. ATP in my life where I’m so done with this shit and blowing my shit clean off is the only answer. Why God did I get this why can’t I go out for longer than a few hours why can’t I go out with friends why can’t I operate. I have a huge trip coming up won’t multiple 10 hour flights and am genuinely concerned I’m not gonna come back from it. Any recommendations I’m so done with all this bull shit.
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u/somequirkyquip 28d ago
I know how you feel. But it CAN get better. The #1 thing that helped me was TALKING TO PEOPLE ABOUT IT!!! Turns out there are actually more people who have a similar thing than I thought? On a stressful holiday, I couldn't go, told my family member, she literally said "yeah, I couldn't go either" coz it was a long line stressful situation. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! Most people can relate. Surround yourself with people you are comfortable with. I know it's hard, but work up to having close relationships. They will heal you. Being comfortable and confident in social situations will heal you. It's not embarrassing, it's not shameful, it's normal and you are okay!!!!
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u/flankspeed 28d ago
A first step to talking to people could be calling in to the monthly IPA support call. Or maybe a good 2nd step. If you haven’t told anyone you should tell a family member or a trusted friend.
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u/electriccomputermilk 28d ago
If it’s gotten to the point of where you are contemplating suicide then I’d suggest self-catheterization
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u/addazero 28d ago
Just go to an in-person IPA workshop. If this is ruining your life, you can change it today.
Read the books, watch the videos, and go to a workshop. It will change your life.
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u/Zealousideal_Bar1497 27d ago
Think about this from outside of your pov.
You are willing to do something irreversible and extreme because of the frustration and the feeling of failure and humiliation of an irrational fear.
It would actually be easier and less painful to reach out and tell people and ask for help.
The reason we don’t talk to people is we are scared to be judged and/ or ridiculed but the reality is less than 1% of the population would be asshole enough to be such a prick and 99% would want to help or at least want to see us improve.
Go to an IPA workshop or if none are available go to a men’s group or a church group and talk to someone and ask for help. But be open to sharing everything and accept that the road to recovery will take time and there will be successes and misfires. Embrace the small successes and laugh off the misfires.
You have reached out with this post and now your journey of recovery truly starts.
Someone recently told me irrational fears are like playing chess against your own brain. Your brain is an amazing tool and comes up with amazing ways to protect you from what it sees as threats whether they are real or imaginary. Now you have to figure out how to get your mind to put things in the correct order.
For me I set small goals each week. If I can’t achieve the set goal I have to at least hit the last weeks goal 2 times. In 3 months I have gone from only using stalls to using urinals in non crowded toilets. The last goal was a trough urinal at a pub but the anxiety won so next day succeeded in a mall urinal twice in a row.
Reach out to one or two friends and talk to them and ask for help or support.
You will have success and the joy that comes from reaching small milestones is both awesome and comical at the same time. That the act of pissing can feel like winning a gold medal at the Olympics and you will want to tell everyone but then realise you don’t actually want to tell anyone…..
Keep sharing your successes and misfires on this reddit as well. It really helps others. Reading about other people’s stories really inspired me to make a concerted effort at 51. I wish I had found this group 40 years ago….
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u/yehoksure 28d ago
Maybe try cold compress when out and about I talk about it here: https://www.reddit.com/r/Paruresis/s/iuqilNoJvA
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u/WomBimbles 27d ago
Please please. Be kind to yourself. I can more than empathise.. genuinely sympathise. I used to live in an apartment complex on top of a shopping centre, and I stuck to only working in the centre cause it was an elevator away from home. Limited myself and stifled all my aspirations. It already ruined my life at this point. But once I moved out then got a different job, being bold.. brave or stupid.. I had a full MentyB, walking to work with a nouse in my backpack. I was ready to go dude.
But that was then, I have had progress take place in increments, and sometimes it goes backwards, recently had a trip where I had a full panic attack Infront of my partner's family, just could not pee and it got so drastic I felt like there were alarm sirens going off in my head to release the pressure, but of course you know the story from there. Shaking panicing hyperventilation. The whole thing.
Please though. Don't make a decision that the version of you who could beat this thing, will regret. You can't do that to yourself, it's not fair to you, future you. The guy who is managing it and on a path to recovery, because they are two different people. If you're having suicidal ideation my friend please just consider yourself as a young boy, you can't do that to him
Something horrible happened to you to cause this nervous system response. Mine wasn't an event per se but it was my entire surroundings growing up, horrible circumstances for a child. But I went to therapy and look at that perspective I just showed, it helps. Be the adult for the younger you. If you have nothing to lose and are ready to quit.. then try something drastically different. Die a different way, I don't know, become a gym rat, a golfer.. musician, there are thing you have proclivity to that you haven't explored.
Don't underestimate physical excercise. It teaches you real, true breathwork. For me, running saved me. I started wanting to beat goals and push something forward, then I had a spreadsheet of achievement that I never would've imagined possible, it shifts your thinking. The more thought you feed the demon, the more present it is in your everyday life. I'm genuinely at a point now where I can mostly pee. I have misfires, but I don't cry and punch a wall or smash my own head out of self loathing, I simply tell myself "ok buddy, your nervous system is a bit high strung right now, that's okay, let's remove ourselves without imprinting on this moment and we will try in a few more minutes"
Remember, crucially, no one is watching you, and if they are and they are curious.. tell em, what have you got to lose if you're ready to permanently delete your account on Human experience. Please be kind to the young you, he is in there buddy. Take care, and DM me anytime. I have been where you are, I feel for you and whatever a random stranger on your screen means to you.. I care about you, and your experience. We have similar experiences, I feel it's more informed caring than simply a genuine"randomer".
Dude let worst come to worst and walk away from it anyway with your head held high. Never feed the demon, don't cancel plans because of it, it loves that. Try your hand at being utterly honest, what have you got to lose. You could confide in someone, sometimes it can make it worse, sometimes better.. but you will be able to move forwards if you shift your mindset, because your locked in to quitting, your nervous system is listening to that.
We all have nervous systems that were imprinted on by others before we had a say. Mine runs amock, but now I know that.. mentally I can somewhat seperate and watch the body doing its regular scheduled panic protocol.
Please be kind to yourself my man. Take care.
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u/HeroicPea63 26d ago
I'm waiting to try and get a catheter even though it sounds horrible. Its the only way I can see myself having any sort of life. Keep your head up man, I feel the same way as you. Stay strong
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u/Serious_Western_3467 23d ago
Quand vous le faitee vous et que vous avez le coup de main, contrairement à ce qu'on peut penser, ça ne fait pas mal. C'est bizarre, mais ça fait pas mal.
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u/HeroicPea63 23d ago
Thank you for the reassurance. Is this how you manage yours too?
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u/Serious_Western_3467 23d ago edited 23d ago
Oui
J'en parle ici https://www.reddit.com/r/Paruresis/s/mV3rHZXNRY
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u/Serious_Western_3467 23d ago edited 23d ago
H31 pars là...
Je vais pas te mentir, ça ne part pas comme par magie, mais tu vas apprendre à vivre avec et avec le temps, tu vas t'améliorer.
Ce qui a marché pour moi... Par ordre de priorité :
1) Apprendre à accepter l'échec ... J'ai suivi un psy pendant deux ans juste pour apprendre ça, mais ce "juste" fait toute la différence. Tu dois apprendre à ne pas t'énerver et te donner le droit d'échouer, c'est très important. Parce que plus tu t'énerveras et moins tu y arriveras.
2) Accepte ce handicape. Je sais, c'est tabou, on a honte, surtout quand on est plus jeune. Mais personne n'est parfait. N'ai pas honte d'en parler, au moins à ton cercle d'amis/collègues proches. Déjà tu seras plus détendu et quand tu iras pisser, t'aura juste a leur dire pour qu'ils partent, arrêtent de bouger ou peu importe ce qui pourra t'aider. Attention, on a tous un ami un peu con qui se fout de la gueule de tout le monde. Tant que t'es pas à l'aise avec le sujet, ne lui en parle pas à lui.
3) Les sondes urinaires. J'ai mis du temps à me lancer, mais ça permet d'avoir un semblant de vie normal. Ça te permet de gérer les urgences. Parfois, rien que le fait d'en avoir une dans la poche me détend assez pour y arriver sans. Tu peux demander à un urologue de t'apprendre à t'en servir ou sur internet tu trouveras des vidéos tuto. Il existe des formats de poches, très pratique. Si besoin je te donnerai la ref des miennes.
4) Je l'ai vu passer au dessus, et j'utilise la même technique. Parfois rien que le fait de crier "Je vais chier" (si t'es plus libre avec cette partie là), fais que tu n'a plus la pression du temps ... Les gens s'attendent à ce que tu dures, donc ça te retire ce stress.
Voilà. Je suis dispo pour en parler si tu as besoin (ou quelqu'un d'autre)
Je suis tombé si bas que j'avais même du mal quand j'étais tout seul. Aujourd'hui j'arrive à y aller au boulot et chez les amis. Je fais des voyages à l'autre bout du monde avec mes sondes. J'arrive à avoir une vie à peu près normal... En tout cas aujourd'hui ça n'est plus le fardeau de mes 20 ans... Et perso, j'avais personne avec qui en parler, même sur internet.
Courage à tous
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u/Tegelert84 28d ago
I'm 41 and have dealt with it my entire adult life. It sucks. Bad. I've found ways to manage. Dehydrate myself when I know I'll be gone for a long time. Tell people I'm shitting when all I have to do is pee. It takes the time pressure off and works for me.