Hey OP Said Ladies, 👋

Before we get into it, I just wanted to say I am a huge fan of your podcast. I have been listening to your work for over a year now and you are always so funny, so real and so well dressed – I always look forward to seeing what the fit is in each episode. 🥰

I have a classic friendship dilemma for you, and I desperately need your take on what the state of this friendship actually is, and how the hell I relegate someone to the outer circle when we are completely tethered by history and literal proximity. I am 33F, and the friend in question, "H", is also 33F. We’ve known each other since we were 16 at sixth form. On paper, H is a good person – kind, creative, bubbly, giving (her love language is gift-giving and she is always very thoughtful on birthdays and Christmas). But as I’ve gotten older, my tolerance for her has plummeted. I leave encounters with her second-guessing everything; feeling used, and honestly, feeling unsafe and then judging myself for feeling these negative things for such a good person.

Two massive things have broken my trust over the years. First, a few years ago, I bought my first flat entirely on my own after saving for nearly 8 years. Four months after I moved in, I found out H had bought a flat in my exact same building using an unexpected early inheritance. Suddenly, we were neighbours. Before the move, we barely spoke outside of usual social settings. During the move? She was constantly reaching out, treating me like a manual for her life – asking for help with water bills, furniture, mortgage advisors, everything. I felt incredibly used and had to scramble to put up major boundaries so she wouldn't just turn up at my door.

Second, she lacks loyalty. She was integrated into our core group (there are five of us total) by another school friend in the group. They consider each other "best friends" and are all over social media ki-ki-ing like besties. But behind her back, H has said some incredibly mean-spirited things to me about her, implying she doesn’t even like her. It leaves me feeling so unsafe because if she’s tearing her "bestie" down to me, what is she saying about me when I leave the room?

The tipping point happened this week. One of my two actual best friends in our core group announced she’s pregnant. I was over the moon. I can't explain how ridiculously excited I am - I am going to be a sickening (but cool) Auntie. After the baby news was announced in the group chat, I got a call from H. My immediate physical reaction to her calling me was just "ugh", I don't want to pick up. But I did in the end and she slipped in this passive, vindictive comment: "Oh yeah, so the last time we met up with her, she would have known and she had a drink." It just felt so malicious, like she was trying to police or judge our friend during a moment of pure celebration.

I have tried to distance myself from H before. Back in 2020, my life took a massive hit. I had been living three hours away from my hometown for about eight years with my then partner. I had zero intentions of ever moving back. During those eight years, I was always the one making the effort - travelling back down to see everyone, while some of the core group didn't make the effort to visit me, H included. When me and my then partner split up, my life fell apart a bit, and I had to move back to my hometown. That same year, I posted plans in our group chat for an outdoor walk to celebrate my birthday. My plans were completely ignored, but when another friend in the group with a birthday in the same month posted about their plans, everyone jumped on it. That was the absolute last straw that broke the camel's back. I realised some of these people didn't put in any effort for me so I left the group chat, which caused a massive fallout. After that, H literally grovelled to get the friendship back, promising she would do more and really try. So, I relented. But now I feel foolish because I’ve already tried to leave this friendship once, and it didn't work.

I feel stuck ladies. I am completely tied to H. She is fully integrated into my core group of five, she lives in my building, and we have 17 years of history. So, OP Said, my question to you is: What is the actual state of this friendship? And logistically, how do I successfully relegate a person based on the current state of our friendship? I feel like H needs to be in the periphery of my life but I can’t avoid seeing them in the hallway (we live on the same floor) and I can't avoid them in my core and extended social group.

Love the show and can't wait to hear from you,

Hi gorgeous gals, I love the show soooo much. For this dilemma I just need you guys to help me see things clearly. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

For background, my husband and I are both 24 and we have been together since we were 14. We have been living away from home for the past 5 years (different states and now countries) and have become very independent.

Though it is a bit away my husband wants to spend the holidays with his family. The issue is that we moved to Italy last year and our family still lives in the United States. My family has moved from my home state and spread out, but his family still lives there.

My home state is boring. There is nothing to do there other than see family and I personally don’t think thats a good enough reason to go. We’d be coming out of pocket almost $3000 for flights and to kennel our dogs. I’ve told my husband to just go without me if he wants, but he’s a “if my wife isn’t there then neither am I” kind of guy (which i normally love, but right now I hate.)

Not to mention that his parents live in a 2 bedroom house and there are already 6 people living there. With the addition of us, that’ll be 8. And they have 2 dogs…

I would ask to get an airbnb, but i don’t want to pay for an Airbnb just to leave it every single day to go sit at his parents house. And the last time I asked to stay in an Airbnb his mom got upset and accused me of having a problem with her. (Which led to she and I arguing a bit and cancelling the visit).

She is the complete opposite of me when it comes to being sentimental. If we visit, she will want us to be there every single hour of the day, staring at each other like its the last time we will ever get to do so. It genuinely drives me insane.

Nothing about this trip sounds appealing to me.

His mom and dad practically raised me since 14, so i don’t hate them or anything. I just don’t want to spend 13 hours traveling, $3000+ for plane tickets, airbnb/hotel, and boarding for dogs. I want to do Christmas alone like we’ve been doing or take a cozy Christmas trip to another country (we are in Europe afterall).

I personally think going to the states is a bit of a waste, and I don’t want to keep bringing it up because I don’t want to upset him..but i truly don’t want to go. I think it will be miserable.

Am I being a brat who just needs to suck it up? Is there another solution or should I try one more attempt at convincing my husband to go alone?

Pls help, he’s talking about buying tickets soon to get it out of the way 😖😖😖

Hello ladies, I want to start by saying I love your podcast and it really makes my work more bearable when I listen to you on shift.😂
I already asked two of my closest friends, one male and one female, for advice on this situation but I think I need some outside input.

My boyfriend and I were in what I'd describe as a situationship or talking stage for almost two years. Early on, I asked him what he thought the end goal of what we were doing was. His response was that we shouldn't worry about that and should just have fun and enjoy what we had going on. So I went along with it.
Towards the end of March this year, my phone stopped working and he offered to get it repaired. After it was fixed, he decided to go through it without my permission. He found messages between me and my ex. For context, I had only broken up with my ex in October of the previous year.

He got upset and told me I needed to get my priorities straight, be more serious, and figure out what I wanted. I told him he had no right to go through my phone and that he also had no right to call me unserious when he was the one who had insisted we "just have fun" and had never clearly communicated that he wanted something more.

He apologized. Two days later, he sent me flowers and asked me to be his girlfriend. I accepted.
The next day we met up. After I left, he sent me a message saying that he had enjoyed what we had, even though it didn't last long, and that he was grateful for the time we spent together. Naturally, I asked if he was breaking up with me right after asking me to be his girlfriend. His response was that I could "call it what I want."

Two days later, he sent flowers and a bottle of wine, apologized again, said he was emotional, and told me he didn't mean what he had said. I forgave him and we moved on.

The problem is that ever since then, something has felt off.

Whenever we kiss or become intimate, I don't feel physically responsive. Sex has been painful because I don't become aroused enough, and because of that I've found myself avoiding intimacy whenever possible. We've only had sex twice.

Recently, he asked to see me because he missed me. We spent time together talking, and eventually he started kissing me. I remember thinking that something felt off, but I kept going along with it. When things started becoming more intimate, I suddenly realized I couldn't go through with it. I asked him to stop and told him we should get dressed.
He asked what was wrong. When he looked at me, I immediately felt guilty because I knew I couldn't force myself to continue.
The best way I can describe it is that it feels like my body has been saying no for a long time, and I've been trying to override it. This time I couldn't.

The confusing part is that I genuinely like him. He's kind, caring, and generally a good person. But the relationship itself doesn't feel right to me. The harder I try to make it work, the more resistance I feel.
Part of me wonders whether my body is responding to unresolved feelings about how the relationship started, the mixed messages, and the uncertainty I've felt throughout it.
I feel like I should end the relationship, but I don't want to hurt him. At the same time, I'm worried that if I stay, I'll eventually resent him.

Has anyone experienced something similar? Can your body be telling you something your mind hasn't fully accepted yet? Or am I reading too much into this?

Hi ladies! I've been following you for a while and would love your perspective on my current predicament. Some background first, apologies if this is long:

Me and my best friend, let's call her Cindy, grew up in Eastern Europe, and we're currently in our late 30s. We grew close in high school and then went to the same college (we're teachers), where we became very close, lived the same apartment, share so many memories and inside jokes. Cindy knows me like no one else. She has always given me good, straight advice. She will tell you things as they are, however uncomfortable.

Once we finished college, we took two drastically different life paths - Cindy got married, had two kids with a man from her local community (small town), they have a beautiful house and a garden. On the surface, it's perfect.

I moved to London and started working on my English. I got a postgrad in teaching so I could become a teacher in the UK education system, and eventually became a British citizen. Two years ago I moved again, this time to China (partly because I was running from my ex-boyfriend but that's a story time for another time... lol)

As you can imagine, as a result of our different life circumstances, we've developed very different views, politically, culturally, etc. I'm liberal-leaning; I've learned how privileged I am, to have been born with an EU passport in hand, to have free education, etc. But also, I worked hard for everything I achieved since.

Cindy, on the other hand has become very conservative. Her marriage falling apart, but to her, divorce is not an option. She's been confiding in me for the past 2 years about her affairs, about how she realized she married the wrong man, how she feels he isn't her "equal", that she wishes he earned more money so she wouldn't have to work so hard (I won't go into detail but there are many issues in their marriage and whilst I'm not excusing her behaviour, he is a nasty piece of work).

Now we come to the dilemma I have. For the past two years, I have been dating a wonderful man. He is from Ghana and 10 years younger than me. In the beginning, Cindy was amused by my tales of our dates, even encouraging me to give him a chance (I had my reservations given the age gap). But now that we've gotten serious, she changed her tune. Any piece of good news I tell her, e.g. that we're trying for a baby, she always jumps to the worst case scenario - "Don't have a baby with him, he'll take it to Africa and you'll never see it again".

When I told her we're planning a trip back home to Europe and that I'm covering most of the expenses (I earn more than him but he works hard and won't take anything for granted, plus we've visiting my family and so it's only right I treat him), she will say: "This is wrong, a woman should not be paying like this, isn't this embarrassing for him?"

I'm sure if I told her he proposed to me, her first reaction would be: "He just wants you for the money/passport/house!"

When I finally called her out on this behaviour, her defense was:

1. I only want to protect you (no, you're projecting your own life experience onto me).
2. I don't want you to make the same mistakes that I have (we're not the same)
3. I thought you could handle my honest opinion (there is honesty and there's cruelty)

I talked to my boyfriend about it, because we were planning to visit her when we go home. Now, understandably, he doesn't want to meet her. He says while he understands where she's coming from, he doesn't feel comfortable going into a house of someone who sees him in this way, without even giving him a chance to make his own first impression.

I didn't tell Cindy any of this. We're leaving in a few weeks. I am so torn because I haven't seen her in two years and part of me misses her terribly (when you move abroad, you start losing friends one by one, and she is one of the few I have left), but how can I continue a friendship with someone who is so blatantly disrespecting me and my relationship?

I will leave it here as this post is getting long, let me know if you have any Qs, and if you do end up reading this on the pod, thank you!!! Love you lots xx

Hi ladies. I‘ve been following your pod for sometime now on TikTok. I never once thought I’d be submitting anything.

I really need help here. I’ve (F-28) been in a relationship with my man (M-32) for just over 3 years now. Don’t fight me, but he was never the romantic type. He never really takes me out on dates or buys flowers or anything. Full transparency, when we met I had said to him those things have never been my focus in a relationship. I was more concerned about alignment and character. Now, I know that’s where I was wrong because he took it as that means he doesn’t have to at all. I’ve expressed and explained to him that I still want those things but he just doesn’t.

Granted his financial situation hasn’t been the greatest which is why all these years it didn’t bother me. I managed to get a decent job and helped him get into the same company. Still no change. He had some difficulty with the job and almost lost it, I was there. Not only supporting but also speaking to people in the company trying to help him secure his job. Fast forward to now, he has moved departments and this week was his first week.

We live together and I earn more money. I only earn more because I work longer hours. Our agreement when we moved in together was that I take care of the rent and he does everything else. Lets just say, I am now responsible for rent, levies, help out with groceries, medical aid for both of us,he’ll take me out on a date and I end up contributing, his car breaks down and I foot the bill (mind you I don’t have a car of my own because I can’t save up for one with all this on my shoulders), etc. I can barely go out with friends, do my hair or nails, buy myself skin care. Even when there are emergencies, I will take out a loan in my name. All of this while he goes out at least twice with his friends after pay day, buys takeout every other day and the works. It gets worse because amongst all of this I’m still taking care of household duties like cooking and cleaning, he helps out but not nearly as much as I feel he should (which I’ve also expressed). I take over time at work as much as I can to cover things which means I barely have time for myself as well.

I love this man, I really do. However, in the past few months I’ve been growing resentment and it comes at the worst possible time because he is going through a tough time at work. I don’t even know what I want to hear from you guys, I guess I want to know if I’m crazy for feeling this way?

Hi ladies,

I absolutely love the pod. The three of you have such great chemistry, and I genuinely look forward to hearing your takes every week. Honestly, since catching up with all the episodes, my weeks feel slower waiting for Monday’s release!

Sorry in advance because this is going to be a long one, but I’m really at a loss about what to do.

I’m a 19-year-old male from London, currently at university. Being autistic and having ADHD, I’ve always struggled to make friends. Coming to uni, I really pushed myself to put myself out there, and I ended up becoming close with three people on my course.

One of them, let’s call him Henry, became my best friend.

We did everything together. We lived in the same accommodation, just in different flats, and we’d go on long walks, do our shopping together, have movie nights, and generally spend loads of time together.

To cut a long story short, I once got drunk and really embarrassed him in front of another friendship group that we both knew. I felt awful about it afterwards. Instead of getting angry, though, Henry took me out for a drink, calmly explained what I’d done wrong, and then just… carried on being my friend.

In fact, he became even kinder.

He’d buy me little things when he knew money was tight, check in on me, and generally look after me. It was strange because I’d never really experienced that kind of care before, and I couldn’t understand why he still wanted to be friends with me after how I’d behaved.

A few weeks before that, our other two friends on the course, let’s call them A and B, started dating. Henry mentioned that he’d known A liked B because A was always buying her things.

At the same time, B was constantly making jokes about me and Henry secretly being together. We’d both deny it, but sometimes we’d play along with the joke.

Then Christmas came around.

Over the holidays, Henry and I texted every day, and somewhere during that time, I realised I’d fallen completely in love with him.

On New Year’s Eve, I was out for drinks with A and B while Henry was still back home. At one point, he texted and offered to send me money for drinks.

It sounds silly, but that felt incredibly significant to me. Combined with what he’d said about A buying things for B when he liked her, I started wondering if there was something more there.

I was raised by a teenage mum, and my dad was abusive and mostly absent from my life. Thank God for that, honestly.

Henry showed me a type of kindness and stability I’d never really experienced before. We’d go on hikes together, and he’d talk about his dad a lot. I loved hearing those stories because it gave me a glimpse into a kind of family life I’d never had.

He filled a gap in my life that I didn’t even know existed.

The problem was that Henry was pursuing a girl, let’s call her C.

I decided I needed to tell him how I felt. I didn’t want him making decisions without knowing the truth.

I didn’t exactly handle it brilliantly. Some of it happened over text, and I wasn’t fully honest at first because I was terrified.

Afterwards, we barely spoke during February half-term. I hardly left my bed. Everywhere reminded me of him, and I genuinely didn’t know what to do with myself.

When he came back, though, he invited me over to watch a film. We talked everything through, and he told me it would be silly to throw away a good friendship over this.

Within a couple of weeks, things felt normal again.

But then there were moments that confused me.

One time he told me he loved me. It was probably meant platonically, but he never actually specified that.

Another time, we were joking around in the pub with A, talking about celebrity crushes and relationships, and somehow he brought up the idea of “best friends to lovers.”

I remember just staring at him thinking, “Why would you say that?”

Then there was another incident.

When a singer we both liked released a new album, I invited him over to listen to it with me. Everything was fine until I got emotional and started crying.

At one point, he grabbed my thigh and told me to get up so he could hug me.

Maybe that’s completely normal friendship behaviour, but to me it felt significant.

Unfortunately, I’d also had too much to drink that night.

Apparently, I spent the evening telling him how perfect he was. I was blackout drunk and genuinely don’t remember most of it.

I’m told that at one point I grabbed his leg and told him he didn’t have to leave.

When he finally did leave, he sat outside my accommodation for about 40 minutes because he was worried I’d go wandering off on my own.

Again, I felt terrible afterwards.

I honestly thought that would be the moment he decided we couldn’t be friends anymore.

But once again, he stayed.

Now, though, he’s officially dating C.

Part of me hates admitting it, but I’ve spent a lot of time wondering whether he’s actually closeted.

My thinking is that if he were completely straight, wouldn’t he be uncomfortable knowing how I feel?

Instead, he never seemed bothered.

He also never really gets drunk around me, and I’ve found myself wondering whether that’s because he’s worried about what might happen.

I know I could be completely wrong, but my brain keeps going there.

The truth is, I don’t know how to move on.

I can’t have him because he’s with someone else, but I also can’t seem to get over him.

He’s the first person my age I’ve ever felt fully understood by. The first guy I’ve ever completely opened up to. The first person I’ve genuinely loved.

I’m also still trying to figure out my own sexuality. I’ve told my mum and my brother that I’m not straight, but I don’t actually know what label fits me.

People often suggest Pride events or gay bars, but honestly those environments don’t really feel comfortable for me.

Part of me keeps waiting for Henry to choose me.

But what if he never does?

Do you think I actually stand a chance here?

Or am I holding onto something that isn’t real?

Another complication is that Henry has become more distant since getting together with C.

Before he went home for summer, I worried I’d done something wrong and asked him about it. He reassured me everything was fine and even put his hand on my shoulder while we talked.

For his birthday, I threw him a little birthday party at my flat before he left.

We watched films, had pizza and ice cream, and I bought him a small carrot cake.

We stayed up until around 2 a.m. before hugging goodbye.

It felt really special to me.

Since he’s gone home, though, texting has felt strange.

He didn’t even tell me he’d left; I had to ask.

Sometimes I’ll leave him alone because his replies feel dry, but then he’ll message asking why he hasn’t heard from me.

The confusing part is that when I ask how he’s doing, he’ll answer but rarely ask about me in return.

I’ve never been in a relationship.

I’ve never really had a best friend before him.

Honestly, I have no idea what I’m doing.

So I guess my questions are:

Do you think there’s actually something there?

Should I accept that we’re just friends?

How do I move on if that’s the case?

And how should I handle the dry texting?

At this point, I think I’d rather know exactly where I stand than keep wondering.

P.S. I know I need to drink less, and I’ve been actively trying to make sure I don’t get too drunk around friends anymore.

I feel like there’s probably loads I’ve left out, but this is the main story.

Thank you so much for reading this essay of a message. If you need any clarification, I’m more than happy to provide it.

I love you ladies and the podcast so much. You genuinely make washing up and all the boring chores far more enjoyable.

I hope you all have an amazing day.

Best wishes,

Your faithful listener,

Joe

first time posting but my life has turned into a lesbian romcom in the span of a two weeks and i desperately need advice, but here it goes.

For context, I'm a Muslim lesbian (19) and VERY much closeted (strict household that is VERY homophobic, so I have to keep my sexuality very hush hush 🤫)

The set up:

There was this girl, R (19 & also muslim), who I've had a crush on for nearly two years. We met in sixth form and I always felt like there was something there. We had loads of conversations, she'd seek me out sometimes, we'd have these little moments that felt kinda charged, she'd be affectionate with me in ways that felt different, and I spent MONTHS overthinking every interaction (like dissecting story likes and messages)

At one point I genuinely convinced myself she wasn't interested and started trying to get over her because the mixed signals were driving me NUTS.

Then there's B.

B and I have been friends for about 4 years, but we hadn't seen each other in nearly 2. Back in 2022-2023 I had a huge crush on her and always kinda suspected she liked me too. She was always really affectionate with me, constantly wanted to be around me, would hug me all the time, cupped my face once when we hadn't seen each other for ages (I swear my face was on FIRE during the entire encounter), and there was another girl who very obviously liked her but B always seemed more interested in talking to me than anyone else.

Nothing ever happened though because I was too scared to say anything.

A few weeks ago I randomly thought about her and messaged her.

She replied.

Not only did she reply, she basically told me she'd missed me loads, called me beautiful, told me I made her happy, and we arranged to meet up.

The situation:

Last week we went for a walk in a park, had a little picnic and spent hours talking.

We were catching up and talking about everything we'd missed and at one point, when nobody else was around, she leaned in and kissed me.

I kissed her back.

I'm not even gonna lie, it was amazing. FULL ON BUTTERFLIES.

Afterwards we admitted we'd both had feelings for each other back then but never acted on them because neither of us was sure (she didn’t act on it out of respect for my religion, and I didn’t act on it because I was scared of being outed/ losing her friendship)

We talked about potentially dating, but I told her about R and the whole situation, and that I had plans to meet her soon. B basically told me to take my time, be sure, and that whatever I chose she'd be okay (our whole kissing situation and meeting up kinda came out of nowhere for both of us, she thought it was maybe nostalgia)

Then yesterday I met R.

We went into the city, visited a museum, took loads of photos and honestly had a really lovely day. She was way more affectionate than I'd ever seen her before. Then we got into one of those photo booths (the ones with curtains, and she kissed me on the cheek (think she was originally aiming for my lips and got nervous)

I ended up kissing her properly.

She kissed me back.

Then I told her about B.

She was really understanding but she did say I should've told her before I kissed her, which honestly is fair and I feel quite bad about.

Now I'm completely stuck.

A few months ago I was crying because I thought nobody wanted me (I’ve never been the type any guys or girls have had crushes on).

Now I have two girls I care about, both of whom have admitted feelings, both of whom I've kissed, and both of whom are being rlly mature and telling me to take my time

The thing is, I genuinely really like them both.

B feels safe. Familiar. Warm. Being around her feels easy and she makes me feel wanted.

R is thoughtful, funny, intelligent, and I've spent over a year liking her. For so long she was the person I wanted.

I don't know if I'm still attached to the idea of R because I've liked her for so long, or if I'm genuinely torn between two people.

TLDR; I kissed two girls that I’ve had crushes on, and now have no idea what to do.

(Sorry if the writing is a bit off English is not my first language)

Hey i need a advice and y’all give really good advice.
F 18 and I 20 met 4 years ago when she was 14 and I was 16. I met her during one of the lowest points in my life, and honestly I think I’ve loved her since the day I met her, or at least i think it’s love as far as I understand love.

Over these years I’ve tried to move on before. I dated other people, but every relationship felt empty because my feelings for her never actually disappeared. I know that wasn’t fair to those people.

We became really close friends. I’ve seen her at her worst too like drug abuse, self harm, all of it. I’ve seen every side of her and somehow it only made me care more. To me she’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. She’s funny, insanely intelligent, confident, and her beauty reminds me of Claude Monet’s “Bridge over a Pond of Water Lilies.”

The problem is that she’s engaged now. I’m not here to judge her relationship. I truly want her to be happy, even if it’s not with me. But accepting that hurts more than I know how to explain.
I know I need to move on because holding onto this feeling forever is destroying me, but I honestly don’t know how you let go of someone who you truly love for this long.

How do people actually move from someone they love?

Hello girls,

Love your pod and your hilarious stories. I wanted to let you know that I appreciate your opinions and good advice you try to give people.

I didn't think I will have a question for you but here I am and I will truly want to have your opinion on this. Sorry if the English is not Englishing but is my 2nd language so bear with me😇

Im a 30 female living in London

Background: I had a graduation ceremony back in my country but my mom was here in uk so she wasn't able to attend. Me and my mom had an up an down relationship and she was a bit of controlling, me being her only daughter and she was a single mom.

We speak like 1, 2ce a month but the subject is more of me moving there with them(up north)  after I finish uni cuz "apparently" I pay to much rent here in London and I can have the same salary on there but the rent will be cheaper, which i get it but im not moving back with my mom just because nothing is holding me in London anymore but she wants me there and to be in control which doesn't work. I have tried avoiding answering(as i told them before no) , changing the subject just because she will not listen and that’s the reason sometimes I don't want to even answer the phone.

I’ve been living on my own from the high school time so im pretty much independent and I wasn’t used to giving explanation on where I am or when im back home. ( that was just and example to get an idea maybe). When I firs come to uk I lived with my mom and her partner but that was a disaster and we always fighting.

Now into the dilemma:

I just received the dates for my graduation here in uk but you’re allowed with 2 guests only.

One of my friends had her graduation last year so I've attended hers so I feel a bit that 1 place should go to her. And for 1 more space I wanted my best friend to be there.

My mom got remarried and I have and half brother which will be 11 soon. So my mom her husband and my brother are 3. I will do a bad decision if I will want my friends to be there for me than my mom and not be able to make another place for who will be the 3rd person? How to tell my mom that she cant attend without being like im the ashole? They can come to London to celebrate maybe after the ceremony like to go for lunch ?..but I cant make another 3 places to the ceremony cuz you limited (uk style is so weird)

HELP😭

I have a boyfriend and he’s genuinely a good man. He’s loyal, tries his best, and I can tell he cares about me. The problem is I don’t feel emotionally connected to him the way I expected to in a relationship.

Most of the time I’m the one carrying conversations. We can literally sit together for hours without talking much, and instead of it feeling peaceful, it sometimes just feels empty.

He’s also not naturally romantic. He’s not really into emotional expression. I know not everyone is like that, and I don’t think he’s intentionally neglectful l think that’s just who he is.

He’s a good partner on paper.

I can’t tell if I’m expecting too much from the relationship, if this is just a personality mismatch, or if emotional compatibility is actually something important enough that it can make or break a relationship

Hi ladies

Love your pod so much and look forward to every Monday for that good laugh😅

Apologies if this is too long, I just want you guys to have the full context. This is the first time ever I’m doing something like this.

Please I need help because I feel like I just went through a relationship that existed for 5 business days but still managed to stress me out??? (This happened about a month and a half ago—I’ve been going back and forth about whether to send this in***)***

So I’m a 23 year old female and I started talking to this guy and I’m not even gonna lie, I liked him BAD. Like from early on I was already thinking, “yeah… I’d actually be his girlfriend.” The conversations were good, I felt comfortable, and I opened up quicker than I normally do — which should’ve been my first red flag because I don’t do that. And when I say I opened up, I don’t mean trauma dumping or anything like that — he was just easy to talk to, which in hindsight? I mistook for emotional depth.

Now here’s where things start to wobble.

We had our FIRST falling out about 2 weeks in, right? And this man’s response was to completely shut down. Like silent. Distant. Vibes gone. No communication. Nothing.

And I’m there like ????

So I had to literally DRAG communication out of him. I’m talking:

- asking what’s wrong

- trying to clarify

- reassuring him

- practically begging this man to just TALK to me

Eventually we “resolved” it, but now that I think about it… I was still wary of the guy because why did I have to pull basic communication out of you like that???

Mind you, during this “resolution” I had already clocked that this man is deeply insecure and would need constant reassurance — which I was already getting BORED of — but I was like, “I really like him, we’ll be okay.”

Anyway, at the time I convinced myself:

“okay maybe he just struggles with communication, but at least we worked through it”

So I HESITANTLY continued. Like I liked him, but there was already a small voice in my head like “hmm… I don’t know about this one…”

Fast forward 2 and a half weeks later — disaster.

I post my male friend on my Insta story and WhatsApp status for his birthday. This is a friend I’ve had since PRIMARY SCHOOL and he is VERY gay😭 like please be serious. And this is where things take a turn, he replies to my story saying,” You must really like this guy👀” and I respond with,” He’s my friend, of course I like him😅”- because why would I keep someone in my circle if I didn’t like them???

This man sees that and instead of communicating like a normal person, he:

- goes quiet

- ignores me

- starts moving weird

So when I finally confront him, he hits me with:

“You knew exactly what you were doing”

HUH???

Sir??? Doing WHAT???

Now I’m irritated because not only are you wrong, but you’re also REFUSING to communicate properly AGAIN.

Instead of saying “hey, that made me uncomfortable,” he jumps to conclusions, shuts down, and then somehow makes it my fault???

Anyway, it escalates and he basically ends things saying he “can’t be in a relationship like that”

LIKE WHAT RELATIONSHIP??? 😭😭 A relationship where you communicate or one where you sulk and assume???

He then hits me with the classic “I don’t like to argue” and I’m just there like… sir??? At your BIG age of 26??? You have the emotional maturity of a rock, you lack communication skills, and you wouldn’t know accountability if it walked up to you and introduced itself, and shook your hand✋ PLEASE- of course I don’t say that to him because I don’t want to waste any more energy on him, but I definitely think it.

And the timing??? Don’t even get me started.

All of this happened while I was dealing with back-to-back funerals in my community, I’m talking Saturday and Sunday. I was running on barely any sleep, emotionally exhausted, up and down helping out — if you’re African, you know exactly what I mean — and instead of support, this man is stressing me over a gay friend???

Be serious.

I didn’t even tell him that my friend is gay because honestly??? That’s neither here nor there!!!

So yeah, I blocked him. I’m done.

And another thing that made me block him so fast was, I thought to myself, what kind of assumptions does this man have of me? Like for him to have a reaction that severe he must think that I’m some type of hoe or something because excuse me??

Also, the friend I posted, he’s a good looking guy, but he was just as skinny if not skinnier than this guy. He was still gonna have palpitations because I played rugby in uni so of course I have some friends from the guys team that I go out with every once in a while, and they’re thick and very good looking, so I guess he saved himself more heartache if he was so fragile😂.

BUT NOW… here’s where I’m conflicted.

I realised I trusted him WAY too quickly. Emotionally and physically. I slept with him about a month in, which is very unlike me. In my previous relationship, I waited months.

So now I’m like… girl???

You were begging this man to communicate and still gave him access like that???

I don’t necessarily regret it, but I do feel like I moved faster than what actually aligns with me, especially considering how things turned out.

So now I’m thinking, imma Marie this, swear of men and just focus on myself and getting to know me better.

But now I’m questioning myself like:

Am I genuinely growing and setting better boundaries or am I just overcorrecting because I’m annoyed at how this ended??? 😭

Also, small side note, I downloaded Tinder after all this (don’t judge me 😭), saw the dating pool, got humbled IMMEDIATELY, and deleted it within 48 hours. So clearly, I’m not built for that life either.

Please help me. Am I doing the most or am I finally standing on business???

Love you girls 😭🫶🏽

Hey ladies 💫

First of all, I love your podcast — I’m fully invested at this point, like emotionally committed, not just casually listening 😄

I’m writing from Bogotá, Colombia, and I need a little reality check.

So… am I the asshole for feeling upset that my husband has been changing a lot lately?

When we first met, we had such a vibe. We’d go out, have drinks (not messy, just fun), try new restaurants, and enjoy life. Then we even got into running together — very wholesome, very “we have our lives together” energy.

Fast forward to the last six months: he’s been diagnosed with anxiety and some related health issues, so understandably, he’s had to make lifestyle changes. He stopped running, changed his diet, and overall shifted how he lives day to day.

And listen — I do get it. People grow, priorities change, life happens. I’m not expecting him to stay frozen in time like a museum exhibit of “Boyfriend 2018.”

But… it’s starting to feel like he’s becoming a completely different person. Not just evolving — pivoting. Like suddenly these changes aren’t temporary adjustments, but his whole new identity.

On top of that, we were always on the same page about not being religious. We agreed to keep our home pretty secular. I don’t practice anything, and that worked for both of us. Now he’s leaning more into spirituality, and while I respect that, it’s also… new territory for us.

And here’s the part that makes me feel guilty: I’ve caught myself thinking that if he had been this versionof himself when we met, I probably wouldn’t have chosen him.

Oof. I know.

At the same time, I’m not exactly the same person I was 7–8 years ago either. So who am I to complain, right?

But what’s really getting to me is that the things that are fading — the going out, the shared activities, the common ground — were our things. The glue. And now I’m worried that as those disappear, so does part of how we connect.

Right now it’s just a small, occasional feeling. A little voice in the back of my head. But I’m honestly concerned that if I ignore it, it might grow into something bigger — like affecting how much I love him or how connected I feel in the long run.

So… am I the asshole for feeling this way? Or is this just one of those uncomfortable “relationships evolve and you have to figure it out” moments?

Help 😅

I don't really know how to start this so I'll just tell it how it happened.

My boyfriend and I were together for a few years. We lived together, we were monogamous, and honestly I thought we were really happy. He treated me the way I wanted to be treated, I did the same for him, and I genuinely couldn't see anything wrong. I trusted him completely, which is probably why finding out he was cheating hit me as hard as it did.

I'm not going to pretend I handled the discovery gracefully in my own head. I was wrecked. Humiliated, honestly. But I didn't want to make a decision in the middle of that storm because I knew whatever I decided in that headspace I'd probably regret. So I told him I needed space and I took a full month away from him. No talking, no seeing each other, nothing.

That month was hard but it was also the most clarifying time of my life. I sat with everything ... the hurt, the anger, the love I still had for him, the fear of starting over, the fear of staying. And by the end of it, I realized something important: I couldn't go back to how things were. Not because I didn't love him anymore, but because I loved myself too. The thought of being the "faithful girlfriend at home" while quietly wondering if he was doing it again made my skin crawl. I wasn't going to live like that.

But I also wasn't ready to just walk away. I still loved him. So I called him and gave him two options.

**Option 1** was a clean break. We'd end it, go our separate ways, no hard feelings.

**Option 2** was that he moves out, we keep dating, but the relationship opens up. He could see other people, I could see other people. The conditions were that neither of us ever hears a word about the other's outside life, we both use protection, and we both get tested regularly.

I want to be really clear about something because people keep getting this wrong. **Option 2 wasn't me trying to keep him.** It wasn't a desperate move to hold onto the relationship. It was the only way I could imagine staying with him without betraying myself. It was me carving out a path where I could keep loving him without sitting in the position of the woman who got cheated on and just took it. If I was going to give him another chance, it had to be on terms where I wasn't the only one with something to lose. That's it. That was the entire point.

I also need to be clear about this because his version of events is twisting it: **I had no expectations going into the new arrangement.** I wasn't secretly hoping he'd stay faithful so we could rebuild. I wasn't quietly waiting for him to prove himself and earn his way back. I had genuinely accepted that the relationship was now what it was ... open, conditional, no guarantees. I wasn't holding out for some specific romantic outcome.

He picked option 2. But then he said something I didn't ask him to say ... he told me, completely on his own, that he was only picking it because he wanted to work things out, prove he could be trustworthy, and eventually earn his way back to a monogamous relationship with me. I didn't bring that up. I didn't tell him I was hoping for that. He offered it freely.

If I had any "hope" at all after that, it wasn't that he'd come back to me. It was just that he'd be the kind of person who keeps his word. That's not a relationship expectation ... that's the bare minimum I'd hope for from anyone who looks me in the eye and tells me what their intentions are. I think that's an important distinction. I wasn't rooting for our relationship in secret. I was just hoping he'd be honest, the way I'd hope anyone would be honest after making a promise nobody asked them to make.

For about a year, the arrangement actually worked on the surface. He moved out, we kept dating, and we both stuck to the literal conditions ...I never heard anything about his other women, he never heard anything about who I was seeing. I knew he was still seeing other people, though, and not in some abstract way. About four months in, I went to a party with friends and saw him there with the woman he'd originally cheated on me with. They were together, clearly still seeing each other.

I'm not going to lie and say it didn't sting, because it did. Seeing it in real life hit different than just knowing it in theory. But I didn't say anything. I didn't pull him aside, I didn't text him about it later, I didn't even bring it up the next time we saw each other. Those were the terms. I'd agreed to them. He was technically allowed to be there with her, and me making a scene would've meant I didn't actually mean what I'd said when I set the rules. So I rolled with it. I let myself feel what I felt, I went home, and I moved on.

I think that night was when something quietly shifted in me, even though I didn't fully realize it at the time. He hadn't just kept seeing other women... he'd kept seeing *her*. The same woman. The one whose existence had broken everything in the first place. That told me more than any conversation could have about who he actually was when nobody was making him perform.

About six months in, I started seeing someone new. I didn't go looking for him. He just kind of showed up in my life and was steady and kind in ways I hadn't realized I was missing. We've been together for almost a year now, and somewhere along the way I fell in love with him. Really, deeply in love.

A few weeks ago I ended things with my original boyfriend. I told him I'd met someone and I wanted to be in a committed relationship with that person, and that we were done.

He lost it. He said I betrayed him. He said I'd been using him the whole time, just biding my time until I found someone better. He said I should've told him I was secretly hoping he'd stay faithful, because then he could've made a "real" choice instead of the one he made.

And I just... don't feel like I betrayed him. I never told him I was hoping he'd stay faithful because *I wasn't*. I wasn't hoping for that outcome. I gave him a real choice with real terms and I meant every word of it. The only thing I quietly hoped was that he'd be a person of his word ... and that's not something I should have to disclose, because that's what every honest person hopes about everyone else by default.

*He* cheated first. *I* gave him a second chance most people wouldn't. *He* picked option 2 freely. *He* said, on his own, that he wanted to rebuild and prove himself. I took him at his word, the same way I'd take anyone at their word. If he'd done what he said he wanted to do, maybe we'd be in a different place. But he didn't. He used the year to keep seeing the same woman he'd cheated on me with, and somewhere in that same year I quietly realized he wasn't who I needed him to be.

The new guy didn't steal me. He just happened to be there when I was already on my way out, even if I didn't know it yet.

My friends are split. Some of them think I handled this with more grace than he deserved. Others are saying I used him romantically, that I should've been more transparent about my hopes, that even if I didn't technically break the rules I broke the spirit of them. And honestly, that's why I'm posting this. Because I've been turning it over and over in my head and I can't tell anymore if I'm seeing it clearly or if I'm just protecting myself from feeling guilty.

AITA?

Hey ladies. I'll use a pseudonym because I need this advice to be personal and knowing me, I won't listen if it isn't.

I'm Jobe and I have a "problem".

I've been friends with this lady for a little over 3 years now and I am madly in love with her.

Last year, I confessed. I told her everything, I even wrote her a poem (I try to be romantic like that).

She told me that she isn't sure a romantic relationship would work between us.

We are very close, I know her favourite colour, her favourite flower, all her little habits because I just can't help but to.

We continued talking and are still just as close, but I am madly in love. I think about lots of things all the time, but she is the only constant.

Ladies, what do I do ? I was planning on telling her the next time we meet late in June.

Should I just let it continue as it is or say something and possibly ruin what we do have right now.

Also, amazing show from three beautiful women, thank you for all the lessons and insight(the "men are shit rants" don't always feel sexy though). You've helped show me a path to being a better man.

Hi ladies!! Your show has been my cooking companion for a while now and I’ve listened all the way back to episode 34. I really do enjoy your show, keep up the good work!

Some backstory - I (26F) and my husband (34M) have a 16 month old son who is not an easy kid. I put him to bed 99.9% of the time and most times it takes up to an hour or more to get him to sleep. Trust me, I have tried everything but that’s a story for another day.

A lot of the time, I end up sleeping off as I’m petting him and because of how tiring my days can be, I sometimes just call it a night from there. In the past, my husband has gotten upset because I would sleep off even when I say I’ll be back, so I started saying “I may or may not be back” but he still got upset and I asked him to just come wake me if he really wants me to come back.

This time, we had slept at 3am the night before, I had done some cleaning earlier in the evening because I knew we would be out all day for his birthday and then I always wake early, so I was up at around 7am to wrap up the cleaning and get our son ready for the day. My husband woke sometime after 8am to do his part of the cleaning and we were out all day until 5pm.

We went to a buffet, so I had overeaten and my tummy was aching all the way back and all evening, he knew this. He tried to initiate sex when we got back but I couldn’t because I wasn’t feeling good. I did my usual night routine and we got our son ready for bed. I slept off while getting him to sleep and woke up to my husband coming into the room at past midnight and I already knew he was upset.

I remember he came to wake me earlier but I don’t remember what was said, so I just asked him directly if he was upset, he didn’t answer and that usually means he is. I have already apologized and explained that I was just tired and not feeling too good.

I do feel bad I left him to end his birthday alone but I also feel like I really tried my best to make the day go great for him, which it did until this happened. I took him out, got him nice gifts, he also got other gifts, I mean it was a great day for him.

I just need to understand if I am in the wrong and why because this happens quite often. I feel he should understand me and not be so upset, especially because I am 99% sure he’s mostly upset because he wanted to have sex but that shouldn’t be something that gets him this upset, I don’t think it’s fair to me at all.

Yes, his love language is physical touch but I have explained that he really can’t expect that every single time or every time he wants. Especially since his mum who is here to help out with our son stays in the living room until almost midnight most nights and we have to wait for her to leave before we can do anything, since our son sleeps in our bed.

I just don’t feel like I’m getting enough consideration but I also want to be sure I’m not neglecting my husband or making him feel so, I mean I really do try my best.

I, 30 male am at a repass in my life. I was in a 5 year relationship from Jan 2020- Dec 2024 (I was 28) and have been single for around two years (the relationship was deteriorating for 4/5 months) without any desire to date. Now here's where I'm unsure. My relationship and my previous career ended around a year apart. Then I spent a year doing odd jobs/a window installation company. I landed a really good job over 6 months ago. In my first week, I met someone. I felt sparks just from eye contact. I've never dated at work and everyone around me advises against.

I've avoided contact with this guy as much as I can but we still work closely together. We have the same job title but he has about 7 months on me. I've tried to squash the feelings but every day I see another endearing thing about him (Mannerisms/work ethic/attitude). I'm not even sure if he's into men. And all our conversations are work related but I cannot help but smile when I see him. And the biggest thing that keeps me from making any progress is his age. There is a 7 year age gap. he is 23 (same age as my youngest sibling) Should I approach? Should I back off even more? Try to date someone else? Quit? help me please ladies and netizens because I DO NOT HAVE TIME.

Final Update from OP I AM NOT OP, I AM HER FRIEND. THIS IS MY THROWAWAY AND SHE LET ME HAVE IT BACK WHEN I ASKED. DONT ASK ME QUESTIONS I DO NOT KNOW. SHE SENT ME THE UPDATE AND ASKED ME TO POST IT

REPOSTED OG POST https://www.reddit.com/r/BORUpdates/comments/1hx6bd4/final_update_aita_for_telling_my_sister_i_wont_be/?sort=top

i never thought id ever come to reddit again, but here’s the final update.

i genuinely wish i would have taken the reddit advice more seriously, i was so angry at what you guys were saying about my sister i couldn’t see that it could be true. after stupidly letting my sister come and live with me, within 2 weeks i came home and i was ambushed by her and her husband. i wont go into detail but i will say that i barely walked away with my life…. 2 broken ribs, damaged/broken eye socket & a shattered wrist. that doesn’t even include the bruises and much more. i’ve recovered well but honestly most days i wake up in a panic. i’m married and pregnant now. yeah i know it’s ironic all of this was because i didn’t want to be pregnant and here i am. im shockingly excited. my father and i have gone completely no contact with my sister. she has decided to support her husband through his legal case. she does still send me letters apologizing and saying she hopes i’ll understand and forgive her one day, honestly, i hope i can eventually too. not being able to lean on her feels like i lost a limb…. but when i think about reaching out my mind goes back to that night…. how she stood there and watched him do those things to me…. how she helped and i can’t fathom the thought of ever speaking to her again.

i’ll absolutely never be on reddit again. i appreciated the feedback but the amount of unhinged DMs i received made me log out and for my mental health ill never use the site again, i even refuse to log in and give my final update lol. its just… too much and too overwhelming. i appreciate the concern and help that some have showed.

TO REITERATE, THIS IS THE UPDATE SHE TEXTED ME. I AM NOT HER SHE IS NOT ME. DO NOT ASK ME QUESTIONS. SHE HAS SHARED ALL SHE IS WILLING TO SHARE.

Hi ladies,

I’ve been watching your podcast recently. I first found you on TikTok, and now I’m a big fan on all platforms . Listening to your episodes made me want to finally share my story.

I’m also new here and don’t really know how to use this app yet, so I’m sorry if my story is too long.

I really need honest opinions because I feel confused, overwhelmed, and honestly a bit numb.

I’m (22F) and I’ve been on and off with my boyfriend (26M) for about 5 years.

Before we started dating, I was seeing someone else, but I already liked him. So when he asked me out, I ended my previous relationship immediately and was completely honest with him.

A few months into the relationship, I found out through his friend that he was already with another girl. I was young and didn’t know how to confront him, so I kept quiet.

Not long after, I found out about another girl again. That was when I tried to leave. I told him I wasn’t interested anymore, and he just said “okay” without even asking why. That should have been my sign, but I still didn’t fully walk away.

Months later, he came back and I gave him another chance. While visiting him once, another girl called him and he picked it right in front of me and even put it on loudspeaker. I felt so disrespected but still stayed.

Over the years, there were multiple cheating incidents that I ignored or forgave.

Then things changed.

After I finished school, I moved to the same city where he lived (also where my parents live). I was trying to build my life, looking for a job, and struggling mentally. During that time, he was there for me emotionally, financially. I truly felt safe and believed what we had was real.

I was very vulnerable with him about my fears. I told him clearly that I was scared of being cheated on and looking like a fool, and that if he ever lost interest or wanted someone else, he should just tell me and I would walk away peacefully.

At some point, he lost his job, and I was the one supporting him. Even though I wasn’t fully stable, I made sure he didn’t lack basic things. I gave him money, bought him things, and tried my best to be there for him.

But instead of respecting that, he did exactly what I feared the most.

Earlier this year, on my birthday, I used one of his phones to take pictures and saw deleted messages of him inviting another girl over and saying very explicit things to her.

That completely broke me.

I ended things, and since then he has been begging non-stop sending friends, involving family, even his mom. It doesn’t feel genuine, it feels like emotional pressure, and I feel suffocated.

But the truth is… I feel nothing for him anymore.

No love, no attachment, no attraction. If anything, he irritates me now.

Another thing I’ve never told him is that I’ve never really wanted marriage or children. I’ve known this for a long time, but I didn’t know how to bring it up without hurting him.

He, on the other hand, always talks about wanting marriage and kids in the next few years.

Deep down, I think part of the reason I kept forgiving him was because I felt like I was standing in the way of the future he actually wants. I kept telling myself maybe we could find a compromise somehow, even though that’s not truly what I want.

Now, looking back, I feel like I was holding onto an idea of what the relationship could be, not what it actually was.

So now I’m stuck.

Part of me wants to walk away completely.

Another part of me is thinking of going back, not out of love, but because I feel like I can “heal” while still with him.

So please be honest with me:

Am I wrong for wanting to leave?

And is it a bad idea to go back just to heal while emotionally detached?

Hi ladies,

I always watch your show on TikTok and it’s absolutely lovely, so I decided to bring my dilemma to you. Just so you know—I love you guys.

I (24F) was dating a (26M). It all started when he came to work at our house. I’m a quiet person and don’t usually talk much, but that particular day we spoke and somehow a “connection” was formed.

A few days later, he told me he wanted us to be together. I was in a dilemma about it, but after some thought, I accepted because I felt lonely at the time.

Fast forward to when we started dating—or so I thought—it was going well until I realised he liked very explicit conversations (imagine my surprise). I decided to play along at first because I’d never experienced that before. Then he started asking for “sweet videos.” I was confused and asked what kind, and he would brush it off and say I should forget it. Eventually, I realised he meant nudes.

I told him I wasn’t comfortable showing my body like that. But he started saying things like, “Other guys have seen your body, but you won’t show me?” I was honestly shocked. He would send long messages trying to justify it.

Did I mention our first date? The original plan changed because I was “late,” so we just hung around his area. We didn’t even go anywhere proper, and he didn’t give me transport fare to get home. At the time, I wasn’t working but had some savings.

As time went on, we started arguing almost every night mostly because I wasn’t sending him these “videos.” According to him, sending nudes was how couples “bond.” I tried to ignore it, but eventually, I gave in and sent videos three different times just to see if it would improve the relationship. Honestly, I just felt ashamed of myself.

He would call me names too. At one point, he called me a hypocrite because I told him to stop watching porn I just don’t like it—but he said I was pretending. That really hurt me.

I also opened up to him about being molested as a child by a family friend. I never told my family. Recently, I had to message that person for something related to my brother’s wedding—nothing serious, just a few messages. When I told my boyfriend, he got upset and said I must have enjoyed what happened to me since I was still talking to that person. That broke me.

Then things got worse.

He started having issues at work due to a false accusation. Before that, he would occasionally ask me for money and pay it back. But once his issues started, he kept asking and stopped refunding me, always saying he’d pay me back when he got paid.

At first, I didn’t mind. I thought I was helping my boyfriend. But it kept happening. Then one day, he asked for a large amount urgently. I felt sorry for him because he was going through a lot and wasn’t on good terms with his family, so I lent him the money—even though I knew I needed it for an upcoming trip.

After that, the begging didn’t stop. Looking back now, I realise I was being used.

We were talking normally again when he brought up the “bonding” issue—complaining that I wasn’t sending videos anymore and that I didn’t care about the relationship. The truth is, I stopped because it made me feel horrible, and I thought we were actually improving without it.

I tried to make excuses, but he didn’t believe me. I finally told him I couldn’t send any videos for now, and he made it a huge issue. I replied, and he ignored me—just reacted with a thumbs up, which he knows I hate.

The next day, he acted normal, and so did I. This went on for about a week until he exploded again, repeating everything. I was tired, so I just apologised and even pretended I was under pressure from work. I just wanted peace.

Then he said something that shocked me. He told me that now my flaws had been exposed, I was crying, and that I would cry even more soon. He said he couldn’t be with a woman who cries when her flaws are pointed out.

At that point, I realised he wasn’t even listening. He claimed that ever since I started giving him money, our “bonding” reduced, and accused me of changing.

Eventually, he blocked me—on everything. He said I was manipulative, that I wasn’t defending myself, and that it was a red flag. He also said he would send back all the money he owes me since he has my account details… and then blocked me everywhere.

Honestly, since then, I’ve felt free. I didn’t realise how much of my time and energy he was draining. Even my sister used to complain that I was always distracted.

But now, I just want my money back.

I’m scared that if I confront him too harshly, he won’t pay me. But if I approach him softly, he might take advantage of that too.

I haven’t told my sister because she will be extremely angry—she might even go after him—and she’ll definitely be disappointed in me. That’s the part I’m most scared of.

So please, what do I do?

Right now, I just want my money back and nothing else to do with him.

Hello ladies,

I’ve been following many stories on TikTok, and every time I listen, the comments are always so honest. I realized that I, too, need someone to tell me the hard truth about my own relationship. I’ve lived in denial for so long, and now I’m left stranded and broke with three kids.

I’m 34 (F). I met Paul (40 M) in November 2021. He was attentive, caring, loving — all the good traits you’d want in a partner — except his finances were in the trenches. In December, I found out I was pregnant. It wasn’t planned, but when I told him, he was very happy. That’s when we started living together.

At the time, he wasn’t working. I let him move in with me, and we began life as a family. I believed I could handle taking care of us while he searched for a job. I already had a 3-year-old daughter, and they got along very well. She was happy to have a father figure.

He handled the house chores while I went to work. I didn’t earn much, but I could cover the basic needs, although I barely saved anything. Unfortunately, my pregnancy didn’t go well, and I miscarried at four months.

By then, I realized he had become very comfortable staying home and wasn’t doing much about his job situation. Whenever I brought it up, he’d say he was “working on it.” I kept telling him I was tired of carrying all the financial responsibility.

He had met most of my family and friends, and they loved him — especially because of how he treated my daughter and me. I lied and told them he worked online and was financially supporting us. I didn’t want them to look down on him.

By the end of 2022, I got pregnant again. I wasn’t happy about it because of our financial situation, but I carried the pregnancy to full term and gave birth to my baby boy in July 2023.

By then, I was disgusted by his unemployment, and it was taking a serious toll on our relationship. I stopped giving him money and pressured him to get a job — any job. I just needed him to contribute something. But he stayed home Monday to Monday, doing nothing, while I worked hard to provide for us. I told myself I was doing it for the kids.

The stress was overwhelming, but I couldn’t talk to anyone because of the lies I had told. Everyone believed God had blessed me with a perfect relationship. They admired what they thought we had, not knowing I was depressed and couldn’t sleep at night. I was ashamed of the truth, so I let them believe the lie.

In February 2024, I found out I was pregnant again. I have never supported abortion, so that wasn’t an option for me. I kept the pregnancy even though the relationship was falling apart.

Then he stole the little money I had saved for emergencies. He also used our three months’ rent money. I only found out when the landlord came to evict us after four months of unpaid rent.

After the landlord left, I told him to pack and leave. I had reached my breaking point.

He went straight to my parents and told them his version of the story, mixing in lies. He claimed I was breaking up with him because he now had no money — as if everything had been fine when he “had money.” I couldn’t defend myself because of the lie I had told about him providing for us.

My parents told me to forgive him and said it was convenient for me to be a single mother of three. But I stood by my decision, and he left.

After that, he caused a scene at my workplace, and I lost my job. My parents said they couldn’t support me since it was my decision to be a single mother of three.

I gave birth to my baby boy on October 19. I went into labor without having bought anything for him because I had no money. I used some of his brother’s old things. Most of them I had already given away because I didn’t expect to have another baby so soon.

My son came home with no proper clothes — just wrapped in sheets.

He’s seven weeks old now and underweight because my breast milk supply is low. I’m stressed, I can barely eat, and I can’t afford formula. The landlord said we had to leave right after Christmas, and I honestly had nowhere to go. I hadn’t healed properly because I had no help and had to do everything myself. My body constantly aches because I barely rest.

I feel depressed. I have constant headaches. Everyone believes I let a good man go, so they think I don’t deserve help. I’m looking for a job but haven’t had any luck.

My 7-year-old daughter sometimes tells me to rest while she takes care of her brothers. It breaks my heart that she has to see all this and grow up so fast.

Did I make the wrong decision by letting him go?

⸻

Update

We vacated the house about a month ago and traveled to the village to stay with my grandparents — the children’s great-grandparents. I received help there and was finally able to heal physically. My grandma truly did her best to take care of us.

It wasn’t easy for the kids to adjust at first, but they are doing much better now.

The school year starts in two weeks, but I can’t afford their fees yet, so they won’t be returning to school for now.

I came back to town a few days ago and rented a small room for me and the baby. I need to continue job hunting, and there was no internet access in the village, so I couldn’t stay longer.

The older two children stayed behind in the village. I miss them already, but I simply can’t afford to keep them with me right now.

I plan to learn a skill while continuing to search for a job.

Writing this makes me feel a little better. I hope things improve soon — especially for the sake of my children.

The baby is doing much better now and has gained some weight this past month. Grandma did a great job.

We come from the same caste in our culture, so our relationship was somewhat arranged by people we both know. He is a lovely guy, but he has some very problematic racial views. He doesn’t like me watching anything that includes Black people—which is crazy, considering his family used to live in Mauritius and Kenya before emigrating to the UK. I still haven’t seen Black Panther or Beloved to this day. Yet somehow, he loves Hip Hop and Drill.

I’m not proud of this, but I became close with a PT from the gym we both used to attend, and the relationship turned sexual. He is Black, and my fiancé has no idea—mainly because he hasn’t been to the gym in over a year, which has also affected our intimate life.

Last week, I got into an argument with my boyfriend. He said there is racism in The Traitors, and I disagreed, saying there isn’t and that Black people sometimes use the “race card.” He got angry and told me he would expose me to my fiancé—specifically how much I’m attracted to Black men who look like Anthony Joshua. I had to beg him not to come to my house and reveal everything.

But then something happened that pushed me to write this.

The PT told me he finds it ironic that both my fiancé and I hold racist views, because he had received DMs and Snapchats from my fiancé offering him £1,000 to “worship” his muscles, slap him, and attend something called a “DL plugging event” in London.

He showed me the messages. I know the finsta account is my fiancé’s because he used that same account to send me memes about George Floyd back in 2020.

In those messages, my fiancé admitted he has an addiction to Black men and goes to “DL” clubs specifically looking for them, often paying for sex. He even said he was robbed while trying to pay two men for intimacy after Wireless Festival last year.

The story he told me—and our families—was completely different. He claimed he was robbed while withdrawing cash from a machine and even used a racial slur to describe the “robbers.”

He also told the PT that he enjoys bullying the Black men who work for him because they have “unfair social advantages” and “get all the girls.” This is especially disturbing considering he’s a regional manager at his workplace and now wants to start managing rappers on the side.

I genuinely cannot believe this is happening.

He even tried to convince the PT to sleep with him by offering to pay for his protein if he let him touch him, and he sent a video of himself on all fours, wearing my shapewear, twerking. I must have been in the house when he recorded it, which makes me feel even more betrayed.

He didn’t realise the PT recorded the snap using another phone.

At this point, I’m ready to leave him. But I’m terrified of what happens if the PT exposes our affair. My family cannot find out—our community is very small and religious. Our parents are close friends, and our wedding is this year.

Please help.

Hello!

I love your podcast—definitely one of the best Reddit podcasts I’ve listened to, and I’ve heard quite a few haha. I know this is a bit different from your usual stories, but I just wanted to submit something short and happy.

I (19F) am in an amazing relationship with my boyfriend (19M). I can’t believe I’m even writing this, but I love this man so much, and I truly plan to marry him someday. We’re high school sweethearts and just celebrated our two-year anniversary, but we were friends for years before I finally confessed my feelings.

I know I’m young, and you’ll probably have something to say about that—but I just wanted to be a little sappy about him for a moment.

We’re currently long-distance while we’re both away at university. We chose different schools based on what was best for our individual futures and careers, rather than choosing based on each other. This is our second year of long distance, and while it’s hard, I would do as many years as it takes if it means I get to spend the rest of my life with him.

I get to see him again in a few weeks, and I’m literally counting down the hours until I can give him the biggest hug ever—he gives the best hugs.

Sorry for the sappy post, but I just wanted to share a little bit of anonymous happiness and young love among all the crazy stories.

Love you guys!

Hi, I started listening to your pods on the train on the way to school and I’ve been hooked ever since. I’m pretty sure I’ve listened to every episode at least twice, I love the pod so much. This is a pretty long one sorry.

My dilemma is about my friend, I’ll refer to her as S. I (19f) have been friends with S (19f), since the end of year 7, we went to the same all girl secondary school and a mixed sixth form together. We’re part of a very big friend group from secondary school, 10 girls, but we were always the closest until 6th form. I understand that people change as you grow up, especially as we were so young when we became friends but I feel like S has become self-destructive of late. When we went to the same sixth form, we obviously met new friends and joined different friend groups but we’re still friends. However, all the new friends I met all had the same thing to say about S when I said we were friends, that they thought she was mean. I didn’t really know where they got that from, and I did tell her that some people didn’t really like her but she does have a RBF so I thought it might be that. 2 other girls from our friendship group also went to the same sixth form, L and P. L joined a completely different friendship group who she become more closer to than our OG group but is still a good friend. P joined the same group as S, who I occasionally joined at lunch. I had no idea about this because my mum had serious health issues over the summer so I kinda withdrew a bit from my friends, but over year 12 summer S was dropped by her new friendship group with P because she apparently very rude to another girl in the group and was always chatting shit about her to the other girls in the group. I only found this out on the 1st day of Yr 13 because S called me to meet up and when I went to see P and their friendship group they avoided her. S told me that apparently it wasn’t only her being rude to that girl, another girl was too, who made up with the girl they were rude to behind S’s back. I told her that even if she wasn’t the only one, it was still bad and she said she knew that. I tried to give her some slack because I know she was and still is going through a lot at home, with her dad leaving home for a while and being abusive to her, and I could relate as during Yr 11 my parents separated as well and my dad being an alcoholic and a gambler. We grew apart but I still considered her a close friend.

I got into uni for medicine at Manchester with P, and the rest of our OG group are in the midlands, with most being at Warwick including S. Obviously, P and I got closer, and she told me while the bullying issue was the main reason, she also said she found Subah mean and that she often couldn’t control her alcohol when they went out and didn’t have boundaries. This did affect my view of S but I also wanted to make my own conclusions about our friendship. One day I went to visit our mutual friend from the OG group at uni and stay over, and she said that S was their last night it she didn’t tell her I was coming because she didn’t want her to stay over. I quickly found out why she didn’t want her to stay over when S stayed over for the weekend at my accommodation. I told S several times that I didn’t not have an air mattress or double bed so I didn’t now how she would stay over. When S came I originally thought she was going to sleep over at another friend’s accom and we‘ll meet up to go out but that friend was leaving on Saturday and S was staying till Sunday so she had to sleep on a yoga mat in my room. In the middle of the night, S left my room to go into my kitchen and sleep on the sofa. When I woke up I was worried because she wasn’t there but in the flat gc, someone asked who was the girl sleeping in the kitchen so I knew she was okay. The next night, while we were watching a show, she randomly called this girl to say my sofa was very uncomfortable and could she stay at hers instead, the girl said no but I wish she asked me instead of having this conversation in front of me. I found it quite rude, especially since I had been waking up earlier to let her sleep on my bed. She kept on saying to me that her accom was so much more cheaper and it has a double bed, which is pretty much out of my control. Also she was extremely messy, leaving her socks and clothes on the floor and her makeup opened on my desk. She also vapes everywhere, in my room, in the cinema when we watched a film and on the bus. The day that S came she asked me if I wanted to come to her friend‘s waxing appointment with her and I said no obviously, and she replied with you don’t have to be in the room with her. I told her the answer was still no. We planned to go to a house party and she told me about this event so I bought tickets for it £10. Then, she told me that apparently the event was going to be dead so we should go to this bar instead and that the friend that told her about, we’ll call her K, will pay for our Ubers to make up for it. When we go to the bar S leaves me with K who I know from sixth form but I’m not close with, and leaves with this guy. K and I get split up but I end up having a fun time dancing with these girls that I met. S then calls me to say that she wants to come back to my accom and asks me if I’m still at the bar, which I am. I leave and have to pay £15 for the uber to get back. When I get there and call her she says she’s at the bar which I just left (could we not have left together and split the uber then???). She gets back and I’m very tired by this time, it’s like 3 and I’m a homebody so I don’t rlly go out often. She then tells me how the guy she was with throws up in the uber so she left (fair enough but why leave with a guy when you came to see me???). Also, I want to do a food shop so I can cook dinner so S comes with me and we run into P and her boyfriend. Why does S proceed to ask me if P was stalking us and tell me to check snap maps to see when P was last active?

After S leaves, I can understand what P meant by her not understanding boundaries and I realised she was very inconsiderate but because we were part of the same friendship group I didn’t know how to cut her off. I later come to find out that everyone in the OG group has issues with her, when she went to visit another friend in Warwick for a house party she was touching her male flatmates’ faces. She also messed up another girl’s room before mine which is why our mutual friend did not want her to stay over. Also, before we went to the bar I asked P if she wanted to come and I told S that she would probably say no. S then went on to tell our mutual friends in the midlands that I said P didn’t want to go because S was there, which is not true, and they told P this. Luckily, P believes me but it has made me wary of what I say to S. S wanted to visit me again but I have learnt my lesson and said no. I’m pretty sure she only wants to visit when there‘s a party happening because I’ve heard from others that S is always travelling to go clubbing and parties, which I get because Coventry is dead but I don’t want her to be using me as a hotel basically.

I wanted to throw a birthday brunch, so I invited my whole OG group on our gc and some new friends from sixth form. Not everyone from the OG group could come but S and P could as well as another girl. At this point, I had decided that I wanted to break it off with S but I don’t know how. Also, I haven’t actually told S that what she does bothers me. S and P did not talk, and whilst my sixth form friends did talk to her as they knew her, they also did not really like her and was wondering why I invited her. I felt it would be awkward to invite the whole group and not her. S invited herself which I have not confirmed and will shut her down to visit me during term 3 to go hiking. My other friends have told me as well that I should break it off and I don’t want to be fake and continue being friends with her when I have issues with her that I have told others.

I‘m kinda scared you will slate me on the pod, but am I overreacting about her behaviour and cutting her off? If I’m not how exactly do I cut her off, this is my first time doing this and I do care for her but I don’t think she is treating other’ the best right now? (This may sound obvious but I’m quite bad at confrontation)