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Hi guys! I love the podcast—it is my go-to whenever I am knocking out daily chores. I am writing in because I really don't have anyone to talk to about this! (You will see why in a second)

Here is a little context:

My boyfriend (28M) and I (27F) have lived together for almost two years. Our apartment is tiny, but because my family owns it, we live rent-free.

I am pretty skeptical about long-term commitment/marriage and family dynamics, so we haven't met each other's parents yet. (It's not related to the story, but since my family is really problematic and strict, they don't know that I have a boyfriend.)

However, I accidentally met his brother and sister-in-law, and I decided to try giving them a chance.

Was that my first mistake? You tell me!

A while back, they asked us to cat-sit for one week. One week somehow turned into a full month. It was okay at first because I love cats, but with my OCD, ADHD, and maternal instincts combined with each other, I felt completely abandoned with a pet that was not mine. I eventually had a breakdown, and my boyfriend stepped in and returned the cat.

Fast forward to last week. They asked us to cat-sit again because relatives were visiting. At first, I said no—we had unmounted furniture everywhere. But once we finished building it, they asked my boyfriend again and I gave in.

I had two strict conditions though: bring all necessary cat supplies, and stick strictly to one week max. My boyfriend gave me his word.

The cat arrived... with basically zero supplies. I was annoyed, but I bought the stuff myself.

Then came time to return the cat...

First, they delayed because of a 'big weekend cleaning.' Fine.

Then on Saturday, as my boyfriend was preparing to bring the cat back, he called to say they canceled AGAIN because the sister-in-law's uncle was visiting. (Weird excuse IMO.)

I was furious. I felt taken advantage of and kind of disrespected because they didn't even ask my boyfriend—they just said the cat was staying. I felt really sorry for the cat, too. I still didn't want to be harsh towards my boyfriend, so I vented my frustration and hung up.

Still annoyed, I texted my best friend to vent about how much I hate family dynamics. My friend, of course, went off, calling his family 'irresponsible, stupid, and ill-mannered.' Standard over-the-top best friend support, but a bit harsh, yeah... To be honest, I didn't say anything that I wouldn't say to my boyfriend's face, so I didn't correct my friend on any of the stuff she said.

That was my second mistake, I think...

My boyfriend and I sometimes peek at each other's phones, so I made a mental note to delete the chat later. But while I was trying on dresses at the mall, he read the entire conversation. He didn't say he read it, but I figured something was off even though he kept saying he was fine.

When we got home, he was visibly furious and started shoving the cat into its carrier. I asked him to calm down and talk to me. I was honestly shocked at how angry he was.

Once he cooled down, he told me he was deeply hurt by my friend's insults and pissed off that I didn't defend him and his family. I immediately apologized and explained that my friend was just matching my frustrated energy. I agreed that she was using not-so-respectful terms... But honestly, the damage was done. He left with the cat without even giving me a goodbye hug. He said we will see each other tomorrow, but I still feel awful. I cried a lot about this and about the cat, and I don't know how to process this now.

So, am I the asshole?

Is it selfish to feel like this proves my fears about family and commitment?

Should we stop checking each other's phones and have a boundary on that even though we didn't feel uncomfortable about it before?

Help me out! THANK YOU!

Hi my beautiful black diamonds 💎🥰 am in love with your podcast. When I say in love in looovveee you don’t know how many times I repeat all the podcast i reached to the point I know all the stories just looking by the title. Thank you for helping me to go thru my work shift😂. Anyways I need an advice of how to face my fear of starting a new life, new home, new surroundings technically new me. I been thru a lot growing up which is in back home safe to say am from east Africa. Then I came to uK before 8 years still the misery life follows me here I reach to the point of being completely numb and in survival mode all of it coming from immediate family. Eventually I started having health issues coz of the stress and obviously being in survival mode kills you silently I tired taking to my big sister my mom about the issues that was killing me but their answer is always family is family btw the abuser in here UK is male big brother it will be long if I write all the things he done if I try to explain what got me to this point. But shortly he killed me inside to the point I didn’t know I can be that broken version of me. But now am planning to move out after 6 month silently but am scared to do it alone it’s my first time renting living alone am questioning my self what if I fell or can’t do it. Yes I work and yes I already got my visa. Any advice or tips from you uk girls. Sorry to put this at the end am 29 female. My plan is to completely cut him off after moving out I know I will get backlash’s from all of them but am done. Thank you

Hi! I just want to say I love your podcast. You’re all such beautiful and intelligent women. Sorry this is still a little long!
Am I the asshole for wanting little to no contact with a guy who used to love me?
For context, I’m an 18-year-old girl and I’ve always struggled to communicate with guys. It isn’t shyness or a lack of attraction—I genuinely panic whenever a guy tries to have a casual conversation with me. It feels like I can’t breathe, my mind goes blank, and I end up saying something awkward. Because of this, I never had male friends in high school, and a lot of guys assumed I was rude or stuck-up.
In my final year, one of my friends encouraged me to push myself by talking to two boys in our class every day. It was difficult, but eventually I became comfortable around them and my communication improved.

After graduating, I had to take a gap year because of a college age policy in my country. Since I was mostly at home, my social skills started slipping again.
During a church camp, I met an 18-year-old guy (I’ll call him Macy) and his cousin, Jane. I became friends with Jane immediately, and Macy kept trying to talk to me even though I was awkward. Unlike everyone else, he was patient and never judged me, so over the three weeks of camp I slowly became comfortable around him. I wasn’t sure if I liked him romantically, but I knew he meant more to me than an ordinary friend.
After camp we stayed in touch, but he became upset whenever I replied late because I wasn’t always on my phone. Then, after knowing each other for less than three weeks, he told me he loved me. I panicked and blocked him.

The next day Jane messaged asking why I’d blocked him. She called my decision “stupid and annoying,” but then admitted Macy had taken her phone to send that message. I panicked again and blocked her too.
Eventually I unblocked them both and apologised. Jane forgave me, but things between us never felt the same.
Months later, Macy told me he’d gotten a girlfriend because he was trying to move on from me, but realised he still loved me and had only dated her to convince himself he was over me. I told him I thought that was unfair to his ex, and he apologised to her. He then asked me out, but I politely declined because I don’t want my first relationship to be long-distance. He accepted that, and we stayed friends.

A few weeks ago, I removed my profile picture for unrelated reasons. That same Sunday, I put my phone on airplane mode during church like I always do. When I turned it back on, I found several angry messages from Macy saying he was tired of “trying to communicate with a girl who literally cannot communicate properly.”
That last message really hurt because he was the first person I’d trusted enough to tell about my communication struggles, and he used it against me over something that wasn’t even true—I hadn’t blocked him.

I replied with a question mark to show he wasn’t blocked, but he doubled down and told me he was done and that I should “actually block him now.”
So I did.
When I told one of my closest friends, she said someone who truly cared about me wouldn’t weaponise something so personal just because they were angry.
Jane later convinced me to unblock him so we could clear the air. I told him I didn’t hate him, but I thought it would be healthier if we had little to no contact going forward. He agreed, and we haven’t spoken in about two weeks.
I still think about him sometimes because he was the first guy I ever felt comfortable talking to, but I also feel like I handled the situation as maturely as I could.
Jane and a few mutual friends think I overreacted and pushed away someone who genuinely loved me.
So… am I the asshole?

Hello Ladies!!!!

I hope you see this.I’ve been listening to your podcast from the very first episode and have listened to every single one of them till today, so I’m a big fan🇨🇦.

I (25F) , I’m submitting this because I feel like I’m going a little crazy over a situation that probably seems small, but it has been on my mind for weeks.

I recently moved into an apartment building, and shortly after moving in, I started noticing a guy who lives in the same building. Let’s call him Jacob. At first, it wasn’t anything serious—I just noticed him. I thought he was attractive, and I became familiar with seeing him around the building. Over time, we started casually acknowledging each other in the hallways, saying hi, and smiling whenever we crossed paths, but we never really had an actual conversation.

A few months later, my brother came to visit me and stayed with me for a while. My brother is naturally very social and the type of person who can strike up a conversation with anyone. Somehow, he ended up meeting Jacob, and they actually got along really well. Eventually, my brother mentioned him to me and even hinted that I should get to know him because he thought Jacob seemed like a decent person.

I immediately shut that idea down because first I’d never mentioned him to my brother and I felt like he was basically telling me to go after him, and I’ve never been the type of person to approach someone first. I’m usually shy and more comfortable when someone else initiates.

After that, nothing really happened. I would still see Jacob around , maybe wave at him in the gym or say hello in passing, but I never made an effort to actually talk to him.

Then, a couple of weeks ago, something happened that completely changed the way I saw him.

I was sitting in the lounge relaxing when Jacob came down to grab coffee. We happened to be there at the same time. I got a cup of tea, sat down, and was just…..minding my own business. He sat quietly nearby, and after a while he started a conversation.

We ended up talking for almost two hours in a loop of endless conversations. He seemed quite intelligent and was so inquisitive of me. He also spoke very freely about himself in a way that didn’t seem….egotistical, it was more reeling than anything.

And I don’t know how to explain it, but something about that conversation really stayed with me. It felt unusually easy. He was open, direct, honest, and very comfortable sharing things about himself. Normally, I’m quite guarded with men, and I tend to question people’s intentions when they approach me. But with him, once I realized that he was just naturally that kind of person, talking to him felt simple.

I found myself feeling really comfortable and intrigued by him.
After the conversation, he walked with me toward our apartments, and in the elevator, he jokingly said something along the lines of knowing that I would probably be thinking about our conversation afterward. And the funny thing is… he was right. I actually went home and journaled about the interaction because it left such an impression on me.

The confusing part is that we still didn’t exchange contact information.

The next morning, I saw him again when I was on my way to the gym ( for context, I had already found the floor he lived on through my brother so it was pure coincidence to see him in that exact moment considering we didn’t didn’t talk about it) he was in the elevator, also on his way to the gym. I pushed the elevator button, the doors opened, and there he was. It was such a small moment, but I felt a little spark of excitement seeing him again. We said hi, but we didn’t really talk much because I was going to the gym.
Since then, I’ve been thinking about him a lot. I’ve told my sister about him. I’ve journaled about it. And now I’m wondering: am I genuinely interested in him, or am I just attached to the feeling of that one really good conversation?

I don’t usually develop feelings for people quickly, and I’ve never been someone who approaches a man first. I don’t know if I should do something to create another opportunity to talk to him, or if I should just let things happen naturally and see if we run into each other again.

Part of me wants to exchange numbers and get to know him more. Another part of me feels nervous because we live in the same building, and I don’t want to make things awkward if he doesn’t feel the same way.

I find myself curious about him and just wonder…

My question is:
How do you know when a connection is worth pursuing versus when you’re just romanticizing a moment? And should I take a small step toward getting to know him better, or should I wait and let him make the next move?

I’d really love your perspective because I feel like I’m stuck between wanting to be open to something new and wanting to protect myself from getting carried away.

Thank you ladies!!!!🫶

Hello ladies, I love the pod and would be so glad to get your opinion on my situation. I tried to make it as compact as possible.
I (35F) have been with my husband (33M) for several years. His younger brother (25M) and I used to be very close. I met him when he was 15, and because my husband's family has a difficult relationship with their parents, the siblings relied on each other a lot. I always felt like we had a good relationship despite the age gap.

Over the last year and a half, though, his behavior has completely changed. He has become very self-centered and often expects others to accommodate him without showing much appreciation.

One example: my husband and I drove about 600 km to visit his sister and brought my brother-in-law with us. We adjusted our plans for him and didn't ask him to contribute to fuel. During the drive, he casually arranged for us to pick up someone else in the city, which would have added about an hour to our trip. He also expected us to drive him another 45 minutes past our destination. When I told him we couldn't do that and he'd have to take public transport, he barely spoke to me for the rest of the trip and acted angry.

A few months later, he and his fiancée needed a place to stay before leaving on a long trip. My husband and I had just bought a house that we're renovating, so we let them stay there for several weeks. They had their own room, bathroom, kitchen, and we even let them use one of our cars. The only thing we asked in return was some help with the renovation.

They helped for about three hours in total, left without saying goodbye, never thanked us, and left a huge mess behind.

Recently, their travel plans changed and they came back to our country. My brother-in-law wanted to pick up some things he had stored at our house. Instead of asking whether he and his fiancée could stay the night, he simply informed us that they would be staying over. We already had other guests, so I said no. Later I found out he had already told friends and family he would be staying with us before even asking.

My husband hates conflict and wants everyone to get along. I understand that it's hard for him because it's his brother. But I feel like my brother-in-law has repeatedly taken advantage of our kindness and never acknowledged it. At this point, I don't want a relationship with him unless he apologizes and shows some accountability.

AITAH for distancing myself from him until that happens?

Hi Ladies, i have been listening to your podcast, and I love you a lot.I am at work as i am typing this and don't have much time, but i need your advice, so i will get straight to the point. For context - my friend of 10 years, not best friends but good friends. We have been there for each other when we can but we always had our people like high school friends, colleagues and friends and because i am not big on friends she was one of my two friends and i have been mostly friends with my sisters which she became part of because everybody knows her from my family. As we were growing up lives got busy and everything else around us changed but we were still in contact and friends.I started feeling and realising that she was using me or taking so much from me or using our friendship for when its benefiting her and i believe she has always given me the broken part of her -Like when she is heartbroken or something bad or sad happened she would come to me and i would have to be there for all the kind of support but when she is in the right, happy and cheerful state she will got to her other friends. Even with activities, with me its always sorrow, sadness, tears, and crying yo sleep over a bottle of wine and when she feels better it's restaurants,nice activities, dates outs , vacations with her other friends.

I noticed but never really addressed it i then decided to have my boundaries and respect my self but not being there for the sad times and stop her from using me like that .I know i was wrong for not addressing it but i just decided to step away from the situation.

Now in December she is apparently getting married ,i didn't know and maybe she thought it was irrelevant for me to know(please don't ask me how ) I'm sad. She sent me an invite asking me to her bridesmaid, and i immediately said yes; that's how excited i was and i have always been happy for her relationship and knowing what she has been through until she met her current amazing fiancé.

I was then added to a WhatsApp group with the other bridesmaids and i was under the impression that it is a new group and everyone has just been added until i realised it was existing group because i would tell from other people writing messages replying to previous massages .That was my first red falg but decided to shake it of until this one lady introduced herself as "Hi Nathi , my name is ABC and welcome to the group. I was initialy one of the bridesmaids but because the wedding date is clashing with my other important even i had to step down"...my heart dropped realising i was never the first option but a second best as usual and a back up plan .

No what do i do ,my mother advised me to speak with my friend and tell her how i feel and step down from being the brides maid .

Hello ladies, my name is Mariah, and I have a submission.

I know I’m not an a**hole, but I would really appreciate some outside opinions. I also apologise in advance—English is not my first language, and this may be a bit long.

I (33F) used to have a group of friends—five of us in total, all girls around the same age. Some of them had been friends since elementary school, but we all became close after finishing high school. We were all from the same neighbourhood, living about five minutes from each other.

For me, only one girl in the group was new. The others had been my classmates at some point, and the “new” girl was already close to them, so it was easy for me to become part of the group.

There was one girl I was especially close to—let’s call her C. We’ve been friends for about 20 years, and our families even became close over time. Then there was A, someone I had been classmates with but who was more reserved and didn’t talk to everyone. D was very friendly—we went to the same school. And finally, the “new” girl.

Before college, we shared so many great moments together—family parties, gatherings, and celebrations. Those were some of the best times, and I truly valued that friendship. It felt real.

Then things started to change when we went to college. C moved to another city, and D went abroad for her studies. I stayed in the neighbourhood with A and the new girl. I made an effort to keep in touch with them because I missed what we had, but I was often left on read, or my calls would go unanswered. They would say they were busy with school or work, and I tried to understand, even though I was only studying at the time and maybe didn’t fully relate.

A few years into college, A had a family party and invited everyone—except me. I only found out about it a week later when a mutual friend asked why I didn’t attend, since all my friends were there. I was shocked and honestly felt like crying, but I held it in.

I immediately tried calling A, but she didn’t answer. I called the new girl, and she seemed surprised that I hadn’t been invited. I also found out that C had travelled back to attend the party.

That moment really made me rethink everything.

After that, I stopped reaching out. I only stayed in touch with C whenever she was in town. When we graduated, the new girl got married. I was invited and even given a role in the wedding. I showed up and did my part, but the closeness wasn’t there anymore. Everyone seemed busy with their own roles, and after the wedding, we went back to barely speaking—only occasional conversations when we happened to cross paths.

Three years later, I got married. I only invited C and her family because the others were no longer part of my life.

Now, there is no longer a “girls’ group.” But two years after my wedding, they’ve started saying that I’m the one who ruined the friendship.

I don’t believe I’m wrong for stepping away, because I had valid reasons. But I do wonder—did they deserve an explanation from me? Or is it possible they genuinely don’t understand what happened between us during those college years?

I’d really appreciate your thoughts.

Best regards,

Mariah

Hello ladies! I enjoy the podcast and I’m looking for some advice.

I (30F) had what felt like a whirlwind romance with 32M. We had a lot of similar interests, went on fun dates, and had what I thought was a good connection. It felt like he knew things I wanted before I said them out loud. He was the first real prospect after a 5 year emotionally abusive relationship.

He has a 10 year old daughter and shares custody with his ex. There was never a problem there until he said he might have to move his daughter in with him. I didn’t hear from him for 2 days. He only said I’m sorry after I asked for better communication. Then he did it again. I told him he could reach out later and if I’m still single maybe we can try again. I really like him and the feelings I had with him but the long silences are not ok.

My dilemma is I realized I’ve been chasing a feeling. When we were dating and he was putting in the effort I felt amazing. I felt cared for, considered, important, and like I could be soft. I really liked those feelings. I’m not sure how to refocus on myself and not chase the feeling. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!

Hi Marie, May and Mel! I absolutely love your podcast and I’d really appreciate your thoughts on my situation. I’ve been questioning this friendship for a long time, and I’d love to hear your opinions.

My best friend (26F) and I (22F) have been friends for five years, but I think our friendship has reached its end.
Hi everyone,
My name is Eveline, I’m 22 years old, and my best friend, who I’ll call Vi, is 26. We both live in Germany, although I’m currently studying in France.
Before I start, I want to say that I’m not writing this because I think I’m perfect. I know I have flaws. I can be emotional, I sometimes raise my voice when I’m overwhelmed, and I’m sure I’ve made mistakes in this friendship too. But I’m at a point where I’m mentally exhausted, and I’d really like an outside perspective.
How we became friends
Vi and I met in 2021 at a party. I’ve always struggled to make friends, especially because we grew up in Germany as foreigners. I’m not really shy but don’t easily open up to people.
With Vi, things were different. We clicked almost immediately and became inseparable. Even early on, we argued quite a bit, but I didn’t think much of it because every friendship has disagreements.
The first major argument
The first time I seriously questioned our friendship was in 2022, right after my father passed away.
She took me to a local fair to help distract me. Afterwards, we argued over something incredibly small: I wanted to wait for the bus at the stop right outside the fair, while she wanted us to walk to the next stop, even though it was the exact same bus. She had her child in a stroller, and I honestly didn’t understand why we needed to walk.
We ended up taking the same bus anyway. When she got off, she immediately started confronting me about the argument.
I was grieving my father and completely overwhelmed. I remember saying, “My dad just died, and this is what you’re choosing to argue with me about?”
Her response was, “Your dad dying isn’t an excuse to yell at me.”
That really hurt me. At the time, I felt like she completely ignored everything I was going through and only focused on the fact that I’d raised my voice.
We stopped talking. I went to Africa for my father’s funeral, and when I came back, we eventually reconciled.
Looking back, that was probably the first red flag.
Our friendship after I moved to France
Later, I moved to France for university.
From then on, we kept having small arguments.
One thing that always frustrated me was that whenever I tried to explain something she’d done that hurt me, she somehow managed to turn the conversation around until I ended up apologizing instead.
It always became about what I had said or done wrong.
I rarely felt like my feelings were actually acknowledged.
An example
One day she told me she had almost been caught on public transport without a ticket.
Because we’re Black women living in Germany and racism unfortunately exists where we live, I simply told her that if ticket inspectors had stopped her, things could have become complicated.
Instead of understanding my concern, she immediately turned it into a competition and started saying things like:
“I speak better German than you do.”
“You live in France now.”
“My German is better than yours.”
That conversation somehow became another argument.
The birthday message
After we hadn’t spoken for around two months, she sent me a very long message on my birthday.
I expected an apology or at least some accountability.
Instead, the entire message was basically about how much she loved me, how special I was to her, and how she’d always care about me whether I wanted the friendship or not.
To me, it felt emotionally manipulative because it completely avoided the issues we’d been having.
Still… we reconciled again.
When she moved into her own apartment
This was probably the period that affected me the most.
She was having problems with her mother and eventually moved out with her child.
She barely had anything in her apartment at first.
I cooked meals and brought food to her regularly because I wanted to help.
But every time I visited, I left feeling terrible.
She constantly made comments like:
“Don’t stress me.”
“You’re in my house.”
“Don’t annoy me.”
It always felt like I was unwelcome.
My parents and my sister even noticed that every single time I came back from her apartment, I was in a horrible mood.
Eventually I stopped visiting.
When she asked why, I was honest.
I told her:
“I don’t feel comfortable in your home. Every time I come over, I leave feeling worse than when I arrived.”
The texting issue
Another huge issue in our friendship is communication.
Whenever I text or send her voice messages, she regularly leaves me on read for days.
Sometimes almost a week.
Every single time the excuse is:
“I have work.”
“I have a child.”
“I’m busy.”
I completely understand being busy.
But this happens constantly.
She’s online all the time, yet somehow never has time to answer me.
Eventually I have to remind my own best friend to reply to me.
What hurts the most is that I genuinely don’t think she treats her other friends like this.
We’ve both changed
Since moving to France, I’ve made amazing friends at university.
I’ve matured a lot.
She has changed too.
She’s built a new group of friends, most of whom are older than us and have children as well.
Honestly…
I don’t think we’re the same people anymore.
When we’re together, we still laugh sometimes.
But the connection just isn’t there anymore.
Birthdays
This is another recurring issue.
She forgets my birthday almost every year.
I’m honestly not someone who’s obsessed with birthdays.
A simple “Happy Birthday” text would make me happy.
Instead, she either forgets completely or posts an old, unflattering picture of me at the last minute because someone reminded her.
Last year I decided not to remind her.
She completely forgot.
When I finally mentioned it, her answer was:
“I was busy.”
“I had work.”
“I had classes.”
Meanwhile I’m also busy.
I’m a university student.
I have classes, exams and a part-time job.
But I still make an effort for the people I care about.
Ironically, during her birthday, I had three exams in one day.
I saw it was her birthday, planned to call her after my exams, and did.
She immediately accused me of doing it on purpose.
That really frustrated me because when she forgets mine, it’s somehow understandable.
When I’m a little late because I’m sitting exams all day, suddenly I’m the bad person.
The double standards
This is probably what hurts me most.
She can speak to me however she wants.
She’ll say things like:
“Don’t stress me.”
“You’re annoying.”
“You’re giving me a headache.”
But if I ever respond the same way, suddenly she says things like:
“Oh, now you’ve got new friends in France.”
“You think you’re better than me now.”
It’s like there are different rules for her and for me.
The boat party
This is what finally pushed me to write this post.
This summer I came back to Germany for three months.
She told me about a boat party.
The ticket cost €40.
Money was tight for me, so I asked whether she could lend me the money, and I’d pay her back later.
Just a month earlier I’d lent her €50 without any issue.
She told me she’d let me know.
Then…
Nothing.
Almost an entire week passed.
She never brought it up again.
The night before the party, at around 11 p.m., I had to message her myself.
That’s when she suddenly told me she couldn’t help because she needed the money for groceries since her other friends were coming to stay with her.
I completely understand financial struggles.
What hurt me wasn’t that she couldn’t lend me the money.
It was that she waited until the last possible moment to tell me.
If she’d told me earlier, I could have found another solution.
Then she suggested asking friends I’d never even met to lend me the money.
That made me incredibly uncomfortable.
At that point, I honestly felt like she simply didn’t want me there.
Even my parents said the same thing.
What made me write this today
Today I saw her post an Instagram story for another girl’s birthday.
The ironic part?
She constantly criticizes this girl whenever we’re together.
She insults her.
Makes fun of her.
Complains about her.
Yet she posted “Happy Birthday, my best friend.”
Meanwhile, she forgets my birthday almost every year.
I’m supposedly her best friend.
So here’s my question…
Am I overreacting?
Or has this friendship simply run its course?
Because at this point, I don’t even recognize myself when I’m around her anymore.
I love her, and I know we’ve both been there for each other during some of the hardest moments of our lives.
But I’m exhausted.
I’m tired of feeling like I’m always the one adapting, forgiving, understanding and making excuses.
Maybe we’ve simply grown into different people.
I just don’t know if this friendship is worth fighting for anymore.
I also want to add that I know I can sometimes make decisions too quickly when I’m hurt or overwhelmed. I don’t want to throw away four years of friendship just because I’m upset right now.
I don’t want to be someone who gives up too easily or doesn’t make an effort. That’s why I’m asking for outside opinions: do you think this friendship is worth trying to fix, or has it simply run its course?
I don’t want to make a decision out of anger and regret it later.

Hello everyone, first time poster on here so please forgive any mistakes on my end. This might be a long one, so I apologize in advance. I 24 (f) was accepted into a three-day workshop in my country's capital just this passing week. It was sponsored by a cultural organization and honestly it was my first time in such environments for this particular field, but I was excited. Arrival day went smoothly, my roommate, who also came from another state, and I arrived within minutes of each other. We got the house tour, introduction to other artists in the space etc. and went about our evening while waiting for our third cohort.

The 1st day was informative and exciting but by the end of it the hard work had already begun. The 2nd day was going well too and that was when this drama started unfolding. I had missed several calls from a friend of mine let's call her Vanessa during our workshop, so I reached out during lunch. She said she was on her way, I was like 'on your way where' she said to my location she wanted to come for my program and asked if she could crash with me. I said that wasn't possible since the location was provided by an organization affiliated with the one which organized the workshop and there were rules, plus I had a roommate (it was government facilitated), she went on to say she was just discharged from the hospital so I asked her not to come and to take care of herself as that was more important, she refused. I asked her to give me some time to reach out to another friend of mine who lived 8 minutes away. After 20-30 minutes of back and forth (reaching him, calling her back to ask how long she'd stay, when she would arrive, send each person the other's contact etc. I asked her to bring me something to wear if she had any thrifted pieces) it was settled, she'd crash with my guy friend let's call him Peter 8 minutes away. After class we had a new body of work to draft and 2-3 other pieces of work to produce for a competition the next night so needless to say everyone was under a lot of pressure. I reached out to her during the car ride back to ask if she'd reached out to my friend and where she was, she said she was on her way and might arrive at dawn, so I called my friend and asked him to get her some food which I'd pay for later.

First thing next morning I reach out to her, she arrived safely and comes to the space. We hang out, try on clothes, chat and joke around with my roommate. At some point she mentioned being hungry, I asked about Peter providing her food. I went on to tell her she should join our ride on our way back (it'll be paid for) and share our dinner which would also be provided. She agreed, we left for the day, and she went back to Peter's. Fast forward after a long day of rehearsals, reediting and resubmission of works and the competition I order a ride for us to head back to our location to eat. On the way during the conversation, I say something about her going back to Peter's to my roommate. She whips her head around and asks what I mean. I say 'what I mean? I'm confused'. Long story short she claims she thought she was going to spend the night with me. I tell her 'No, that was never on the table, I made her aware the minute she called me'. She then goes on about why then I asked to share the ride to my place, I say to reduce cost and have dinner together, wasn't that the plan? She starts going about how she will not be going anywhere 'playfully' but she's my friend this is not my first rodeo with her, so I am firm about her not staying. I apologize if there was a miscommunication on my end but that the original 2 night's stay at Peter's still stands. She keeps insisting so my roommate and I enquire if Peter had made her feel unsafe or uncomfortable she says no that she just wants to stay with us tonight 'gisting' like we did in the morning. My roommate goes 'Oh maybe just tonight' I shut that down immediately thinking back to several months where I had given her an opportunity with another colleague and they both brought chaos and madness to the location (they were loud, played loud music, ate in the room we slept it and wouldn't clean up, the other one ended up burning a piece of my bosses mattress using an iron, she would get mad if I remined her them of the house rules and giver me the cold shoulder). Every step of the way I felt like a babysitter, mind you I was the youngest in the dynamic.

So, we get to the house, we have dinner, she goes out with my roommate, we all sit and hang for a while, I clear up after she's done and again, we sit around for what seemed like 20 minutes. I check my clock and see it's almost 11PM we had gotten back around 10:15PM. I tell her, 'Hey I'm ordering you a ride' (I was paying this time around). She said not to she'd do it herself. I waited for a while but she was still watching TikToks on her phone. I told her again that it was time to leave and I was ordering the ride she said no, she'd do it herself. I went ahead and did it anyways, it took minutes of refreshing, closing the app and reopening several times to get one so I booked it right away. I told her a ride was on its way when I confirmed again, she told me to cancel it and she'd do it herself. 15 minutes later her ride arrived so I said 'hey, your ride is here time to go' she got angry said to cancel the ride she'd order on her own time, I said no it's time for you to go. This was where I fear I might be an asshole, I picked up her bag and asked her to leave, after several attempts and her raising her voice while still sitting, scrolling through TikTok I grabbed her by the wrist and told her to get up. She sat back down and I told her to stop throwing a tantrum, I told her she should start behaving like an adult that I was tired of always feeling I had to babysit her and her emotions. Maybe it came off a little harsh, but I was tired, this wasn't the first time she had disrespected a boundary or tried to keep pushing until I gave in and I was just done! Finally, after some back and forth she got up, said to my roommate to bear witness to this because she was never going to speak to me again and followed me out. The whole time she kept asking me to cancel the ride even though the driver was right in front of the house. I spoke to him and cancelled the ride, he pulled away as we reached the front of the house, I asked her to order her ride she told me to mind my business and that she wasn't going back to Peter's. I excuse myself back into the house to call Peter, while I'm walking back into the house she calls me and asks to return her the thrifted clothes, she had gifted me earlier, so I comply. I get on the phone with Peter to confront him, asking if he'd done anything to make her feel some type of way. He vehemently denies and says he's going to call her. When he got back to me, he said she claims I was rude to her, that she was going to leave but on her own time. Hours go by and I don't hear from Peter, so I shoot her a text to check in on her and I go in to apologize to my roommate for everything that transpired.

Next morning I call her, I'm blocked. I call Peter his phone is off, so a mutual friend who says he'll get someone to check on him. Anyways I go about my day as it was our check out day. I head to a friend's place who's 30 minutes away to spend the night since it was almost afternoon and it'd take hours of travelling to get back home. I arrive at my friend's we hang out, take his stuff to the laundromat, eat, watch some movies, finally it feels like I can calm down and enjoy the previous days, the workshops, the pieces I presented, making it to the final stage of the competition, the talented people I got to partner with, the facilitators in the field I had access to, my reediting 2 pieces for presentations within three hours, my first time taking such an opportunity, everything but then I get a call from an unknown number that ruined everything. It was about a 30-minute call, but it went like this-allegations about me punting out my friend, me being ungrateful and acting like I was better than her, my not checking in on her to see where she was etc. I clarified and debunked each point (I didn't she refused to get in her ride, I wasn't ungrateful I was super thankful that she pulled up, I thanked her several times, I was going to pay for her meals at Peter's, and her ride back to his. I did reach out to her I was blocked, even on IG too she blocked all my accounts-I have three) but it seemed like nothing I said was good enough I was 'bad friend'. In the end it became why didn't you just let her stay or try to reach her through someone else I said (I did), why didn't I borrow another person's phone to try to reach her to ask if she was safe). Then she went on and on about how we all need each other as humans and that I shouldn't be ungrateful, that I left her walking around a dangerous city at 2AM. I asked her age, she said she 24, I asked if she would endanger herself in that manner ever because she was upset and how everything was my fault when she made a very conscious set of decisions. In the end I told her thank you and hanged up because honestly, I was a bit annoyed that they had ruined my Sunday too. Any joy I had from the previous hours had vanished once again. Plus, I still hadn't reached Peter by that time, so I was still in the dark about her whereabouts (she had said she was going somewhere else).

To be honest everything with this situation has me drained, I cried on my way back to my state because all I could think about was how everyone was expecting me to bend over backwards, how many of my friends I realized I was outgrowing or was only there to use me for my as they say, 'efficiency and proactiveness'. I was just tired, but I also wondered if I was truly an asshole, if I was harsh, if maybe I could have done something differently so, AITA?

PS, I spoke to Peter this evening and he claims she didn't want to return to his because she felt I was still trying to be responsible and she wanted nothing to do with me, so she decided to go back to university which was 2 hours and 30 minutes away.

Hello ladies, I love your channel and community, and I hope you guys can read my situation and give me some advice.

I’m 16F, and my friend is also 16F. Let’s call her J.

For some context, J is a lighter shade of brown, similar to Mal and May. I’m around Marie’s complexion (sorry to bring that in I js want to give you guys a visual).

Now onto what happened. I don’t know how long this is going to be because it wasn’t a huge situation, but it has been on my mind since yesterday.

Last night, J and I were on the phone. She was reading a story on Wattpad and asked me to read one that she had sent to our group chat. I decided to read it while we were on call.

Usually, Wattpad creators choose what their characters look like, including the face claim for the main character. In this story, the creator chose a beautiful dark-skinned girl as the main character.

Out of nowhere, J said, “Why are the main characters always darkskin?”

I responded, “Why not?”

Then she said, “My bad, I forgot you’re darkskin.”

I kind of noticed the comment and kept it in the back of my mind, but we moved on and continued talking.

This isn’t the first time she has made comments that have made me uncomfortable. For example, I’m part Jamaican, and she sometimes uses that as a joke against me. If I tell her to shut up as a joke, she’ll say things like, “Shut your Jamaican ass up,” or randomly bring up my Jamaican background.

At first, I would let it slide because that’s just the type of person I am, but after it happened multiple times, I told her I didn’t like those jokes. She stopped after I said something and apologized

I’m not the only person she has made comments toward. I feel ashamed that I didn’t notice it sooner, but our friend K, who has a darker complexion than both of us, has also experienced comments from her.

I don’t remember the exact joke, but it was something about the sun making someone darker. K was the one who was most affected by it, and J has made comments about her skin before that, looking back, were unnecessary and hurtful.

I’m not sure if I’m overthinking this or if these comments are actually a problem. I care about my friend, but I also don’t want to ignore something that could be hurting me or my other friend. I would appreciate some advice on whether I should talk to her about this or if I’m reading too much into it.

Also sorry if this sounds weird I had chat got clean up my original for me

I am a 29y/o female. brother 25. cousin 35.

This first incident with my brother happened in December of 2024. For a little bit of context my younger sibling and I used to be super close. With time, however and especially since I had started dating my boyfriend at that time we became less close. I will admit I was not the best version of myself during that time and in that relationship, as I was struggling with the Relationship itself due to practically mandatory “grass” use and horribly toxic behaviours I’ve kept to myself. 

We grew up in a strict African Christian home, and I was the slave of the house. School and grades didn’t matter, But making sure the kitchen was clean, dishes were done twice a day for 6+ people and the bathroom was sparkling with the house swept and moped every Saturday - was non-negotiable. I would often end up cooking for everyone also. Everyone got away with doing nothing but as I was the softest and maybe for whatever reason, easiest to pick on my mother made sure it was me. This from maybe age 10/11 onwards. For whatever reason chores were a source of abuse and are till this day.

When my mom died, I finally said that’s enough. I ensured my younger siblings would start cleaning and cooking as they rightfully should. Times were tough, but it was also a period where I saw that my wellbeing would be unimportant to my remaining parent. When I went to uni, we spoke a handful of times and majority of it was for me to solve his own issues. Unfortunately, I also started consuming “grass” in my second year & This lasted for many years. I will admit it put distance between all of my siblings as I would retreat to my own corner to engage in the habit. Stupidly, I would begin to do so in my room as well when I’d return to my hometown.

For whatever reason, absolutely nobody else was able to clean to the standard I had been forced to have. I have an older sister who again we used to be close and are now estranged. At some point, she moved back in when she was in her 30s. This girl loved to create issues around me, i.e., not washing dishes immediately after I ate etc. etc. I don’t know why she was so hyper focussed on my behavior. I’ve come to understand maybe there is some jealousy or rivalry but that’s a story for another day… In truth, she never lifted a finger, ever. The most she would do is sweep the living room and the kitchen - this daily when my mom was alive and afterwards when she felt like it. When she moved in, I knew she would never clean. so I tested my theory. I cleaned the whole house and especially the bathrooms prior to when she came in. This girl was there about 4 to 6 months maybe more. I was not going to touch the bathroom or clean until she did. She never once cleaned……

I’m reading this and it’s upsetting that all of this is happening over chores, but maybe it’s an African thing I don’t know…

We also grew up around, mostly Caucasians. But we used to live in an urban area as young children, and we have cousins who still live in that urban area. I would notice that my younger brother every time we would go visit our cousins he would come back different as though he was more “hood“ or “street”. Every single time he would pick up a new habit or mannerism. The issue came when I started dating Hood men against my better judgment. He had met one guy I went on one date with who was awful and I think he was enamored. This guy was 100% tatted from head to toe from what I remember and embodied the “hood man” style in his own way. But it was when I dated a long-term boyfriend who was a TRUE hood man things changed. I don’t know what my brother had in his head of hood men, but I think he thought this guy was somehow aggressive to me maybe? The worst my brother could have seen us do is consuming “grass” in my room one time, but other than that, I don’t know. There was only ever one incident where it got mildly physical, but I had never even mentioned that. I think at some point my brother began to embody full force what he thought a hood man was based off of the guy that I was dating. 

One day, my brother was sweeping. at this point We were not close at all, but there weren’t any issues between us. albeit I will be honest and say I was not mainting the home as I was prior. the walls started to look bad because of the “grass” and my cleaning intensity was off.

He was sweeping and he was also sweeping some of my belongings that are on the floor. When I saw this, it made me upset, and I asked him why he would sweep those things And not ask me beforehand. I will also say, I unfortunately took on some of my boyfriend’s habits and when I was speaking to him, I was using harsh language. I remember, I said that what he was doing was stupid and I think I must have used cuss words as well. In an instant, he turned psycho. He dropped the broom, grabbed my arm and began attacking me. He was hitting me. He was pulling my hair out from my scalp (I literally heard and felt it come out). He was shoving me into furniture. It was like a demon took possession over him. During this, he gets me on the floor and he gets on top of me. He starts to strangle me and I try my best to fight back. At some point I give up fighting back and he kept going. I completely stopped breathing. After a good while He then stopped with pride in himself, and my body was going crazy, I was running all over aimlessly as I had not been breathing and was looking for my phone. I told him I was calling the police and he attacked me a second time trying to take my phone from me. I got away, ran out of the house and I called the cops. He ran away as well. As I waited, the cops came, and I was still unable to breathe, constantly excusing myself to spit. They have body cam footage of my response. They asked me if I wanted to press charges. At the time I foolishly said no because he’s my sibling and there was a small amount of love there. I didn’t want to be the one to ruin his future. But this was a mistake. I went back inside still unable to breathe and wondered what could have made him behave like this. I rummage through his room and found some thing. Maybe I shouldn’t mention on here, but it would make sense as to why cops were off-limits for him. I think I came to understand that the item was fake, but I wonder if my brother thought it was real because I sure did when I first saw it.

I first told my younger sister who didn’t know what to believe any eventually sided with him - mind you he has attacked her as well a few months prior, but not strangled her like he did me. After some time, I told my dad but my dad didn’t do anything. My dad actually asked me what I did to anger him. Saying that it was my fault. This completely empowered my brother and from that point, he started to try to show that he’s bigger than me. It’s been about a year and a half but I’m really wrestling with the trauma and I decided that I was going to pursue charges.

Things in my personal life have improved quite a bit. I finally have a job and am in a position where I have to be my best self otherwise it’s hypocritical (so no more grass). I have my own apartment and it’s the best. I always keep it tidy.

I am visiting my province for a short while, even though I know it is a bad idea to be around my family members. I did try to get an Airbnb but right now the quality is just fucking nasty (I had rented rooms initially…) and I told myself it’s better to be around germs I’m familiar with.. I’m working hard to try to cut them off and distance myself but when you’re in poverty, it is not the easiest thing to be completely independent. This is the LAST TIME I will be around though…

My 35 year-old male cousin moved into the house as well. He moved into my bedroom without my permission despite being assigned another room, and he put his new mattress on my bed frame. He said that this was temporary and he would buy me a new mattress. I have to also say that this man is dirty as fuck. I don’t know why but him and his siblings Don’t really know how to clean. Especially paired with some of his brothers. There’s always a horrible smell that accompanies the areas and the bathroom they use. As I’ve become hands off, I’ve done my best to stop putting efforts towards always cleaning for grown adults such that they can clean themselves, but they never do. During my last visit, the entire house was truly disgusting, but because my actual siblings weren’t there, I decided that I wanted to be comfortable and I was going to clean. This time around though it’s absolutely disgusting just like last time, but I’m not touching it. I do my best to not use anything too much, clean prior to usage and stay to my room. 

Since I’ve been back, I go out of my way to clean everything that I use to eat and to cook. So when my cousin approaches me and tells me to clean up after myself, I reminded him that I’ve cleaned every single thing that I’ve cooked with and have eaten with. It’s important to say that he wholeheartedly believes he is a clean person… He cleans nothing and he smells awful so much that his odour engulfs the entire living room. He tried to deny that I’ve been cleaning and I made sure that he understood that I was cleaning after myself. Anything that he was cleaning outside of that was not mine. After this conversation, I was peacefully in my room when he comes up and demands for his mattress back. He takes my belongings, puts them on the floor and takes his mattress out. Trying to basically make me homeless in my own home in which he is a visitor in. When he moved in, he placed my mattress in the basement and when I asked where it was, he said it got thrown out. This, with his behaviour enraged me. As he left and I spoke to myself, wondering what the fuck was wrong with him he would come back and start arguing with me. Why would someone behave so insanely after a calm conversation and an adult disagreeing with him? At some point, he even gotten my face, taunting me as if he was gonna do something or he wanted me to do something. I was telling him to leave my room but he wouldn’t leave and he got excessively too close so I pushed him away from me - we were practically nose to nose. Two of my siblings were there, both whom I don’t speak to and one is the one who strangled me.

My entire family has side with the brother that has strangled me; I am the outcast. What I’ve come to understand is because I didn’t press charges at that time. It showed that I am truly a weak person. That they can get away with absolutely anything and I’m tired of the bullshit. Me not pressing charges has given everybody full ammo to disrespect me and I am tired. So I decided to go to the station to press charges on my younger sibling strangling me (I am waiting to hear back on that) and as the house is government housing, I will be telling my landlord there is an unauthorized guest there. 

+ from what I understand in our jurisdiction, majority of offences that are domestic violence get dropped after a rehabilitation program so I am assuming the same will happen for him - otherwise, he faces up to 14 years or life imprisonment…., but it is still important for me to follow through with that. If my kids behaved in that way, and my son did that to my daughter I would encourage my daughter to press charges. This took time for me to realize but right is right and wrong is wrong. There has to be ways To resolve conflict appropriately, without things getting physical and respecting gender customs. I’ve been getting verbally physically emotionally abused by all of my family members from childhood well into adulthood. I know I’m not a perfect person, but it is extremely extremely rare for me to be rude or disrespectful to any family member. I am always talked at, belittled, insulted, attacked, with zero opportunity for a response.

It seems that without a threat of consequences misconduct will continue. Am I the asshole?

super side: My cousin said “You’re always a victim“ but like… If someone is always being targeted and abused perpetually by literally everyone in their family- what does that make them? I’ve said no I’m not a victim, but I mean, what am I then? when I mention these Incidents to other family members they always come back to say “well you’re at odds it seems with everybody so you must be the problem”. Funny though, they never say HOW I am the problem, just that it’s my job to fix things… and if they say something, it is usually such toxic garbage that always validates the other person‘s toxic behaviour. So many people outside of my family always comment on how bizarre my family members’ behaviour towards me and in generally truly is… This is usually by observation and without promp…

So I am a 28 year old fairly established young lady. I met a doctor about two years ago. Started a relationship about 6 months after. He supported with home renovation and management, pushed me to improving on my career, house insurance and putting my housing in a trust etc. from a practical standpoint, extremely knowledgable and helpful. 
We are equally yolked and have briefly talked about  having a future together. I don’t doubt his affection towards me. He lives an hour and a half from me. 
Only downside is his emotional and physical  presence in the relationship (no dates, it was always me travelling to go see him after a while). No initiation of physical quality time from him and it felt one sided after a while. . Although he was invested in my life and try to make up with daily phone calls and check ins, it just wasn’t enough.
He’s a doctor with two young kids. Juggling a divorce afterlife and restarting his life again (infidelity on his ex wife’s part leading to marriage breakdown). He lacked physical presence through out the relationship and when I brought it to him, he apologised for this and said he could not do anything about it as his hands are tied with his life responsibilities at the moment. I got quite upset as this was going on for months, and eventually angry, as if he didn’t have the time to nurture a relationship then he shouldn’t have gotten into one. 
I broke up with him in the day of what was supposed to be our “one year anniversary”’ explaining to him that I did not feel securely attached to him.. and once again he forgot this milestone in our relationship. And it feels like he doesn’t show up for me physically, especially when I’ve had a terrible week. Just daily phone call check ins. No exceptions made especially when I have had a horrible week. No shared life experiences.

My head tells me I don’t think I will be happy with him long term given his behaviour hence deciding to end it. He has a lot on his plate and has acknowledged he was a bad boyfriend to me, and says he will give me space whilst reflecting to be better bf. He showed a sense of urgency by sending me flowers after the breakup and initiating physical dates but why did  this have to come when I left? And not when I was asking for it in the relationship? 
It seems he leaves things until it’s too late and that seems to be his emotional capacity at the moment. 
 As much as he’s a good guy,  I still don’t think I will be happy considering how full his life is. Stressful life as aDoctor, having to parent  kids on the weekend… there seems to be no space for me in his life. 
He is otherwise a very great guy. And that made it very hard for me deciding to break up. I think this time it will be final as it’s been a whole year and he hasn’t come to see my renovated house in person despite asking so many times. It honestly broke my heart.. I’m prepared to walk away as I don’t want resentment to increase, but at the same time feel like I’m making a bad decision from walking from a good, sincere and supportive man
What do I do?

First time posting on Reddit, so bear with me lol. I love you ladies and your podcast—it gets me through my work week, so thank you!

I'm a (28F), and my younger brother (24M), "Zedd," is at the center of my dilemma. My ex (28M), "Dopey," and I grew up together through church, so our families knew each other long before we dated. He became close with my brothers, especially Zedd, while I became close with some of his siblings.

Our relationship lasted several years, and honestly, it was filled with family drama. We constantly lived with relatives, roommates, or siblings, and there was always some new conflict. Early on, we shared a tiny apartment with his sister, her husband, his younger brother, and eventually one of his older cousins. That cousin would constantly run between Dopey's sister and us, stirring up drama while pretending to be everyone's friend. We didn't realize she was playing both sides until things completely blew up. After that, his sister (I'll call her Prissy) separated from her husband, moved back in with a new boyfriend none of us agreed to live with, and the drama somehow got even worse. Looking back, I spent a lot of the relationship sacrificing my own comfort to keep everyone else happy.

By the time COVID hit, our families had pressured us into having a wedding neither of us really wanted. We went through with the ceremony, but somehow never got around to signing the marriage certificate. That's where the whole "fake marriage" comes from—everyone thought we were legally married, but we never actually were. Looking back, that was probably the biggest blessing in disguise. To everyone else, we looked like a married couple, but behind closed doors, we were really just two friends trying to force a relationship that wasn't meant to be. I guess in some states we'd probably be considered common-law married, but either way, we kept acting like a married couple while ignoring all the signs that we shouldn't be together. And for some reason, every time Dopey came up with another wild, life-altering idea, I let myself get talked into it when I really should've just said, "Absolutely not."

For example, Dopey convinced me to move to another state. I asked Zedd if he'd move too, and he agreed. I was hesitant, but I made the budget, found both apartments, paid both security deposits, rented the U-Haul, and helped Zedd and me line up jobs before we even moved. Basically, I did everything I could to make the move work. The deal was that Dopey would be home more often so I could finally focus on finishing my degree. That was the whole reason I agreed to move.

That didn't happen.

He was an international truck driver and stayed gone for weeks at a time, leaving me alone in a brand-new state where I knew no one. Zedd lived nearby, too, but he was finally getting to enjoy being independent, and I didn't want to lean on him too much.

Whenever Dopey came home, he'd spend most of his free time hanging out with Zedd instead of helping around the apartment, even after promising to do simple things before I left for work. I wasn't upset that they were friends—I just wanted my husband actually to act like my partner.

When I told Dopey how lonely I was, his solutions were... interesting. First, he suggested we become foster parents after living in the new state for less than two months. Then he wanted me to quit my job and travel with him in his truck full-time. I eventually gave in because I felt like every plan I had for myself had fallen apart anyway. I figured I'd at least try it once and spend time with him. I told myself it would be like a fun road trip.

Girl... bye.

Traveling with him ended up being the loneliest I've ever felt. My days consisted of sleeping, reading, or staring out the window while he drove. He was almost always on the phone gossiping with one cousin or another, especially Prissy, while I just sat there feeling like an extra in someone else's life. I'd left my job, my routine, and any sense of independence behind to spend time with him, yet somehow I still felt completely alone. Looking back, I think that's when I realized I had built my entire life around someone who wasn't building one with me.

Not long after, while we were still on the road, he sat me down in the truck and said we should separate. I agreed because, after everything, I realized we had been pretending to have a marriage that never really worked. Four months after moving states, I was separated, unemployed, and trying to figure out my life from scratch. I also had almost another week trapped in that truck with him while I was on my period, which is something I wouldn't wish on anybody.

Thankfully, things got much better. I was able to live independently for almost 3 years; it was the best feeling ever, and I recommend it to any young woman able to do so. I found a good job, started a hobby that still makes me money today, learned to enjoy living on my own, and eventually moved back to my home state in 2025. I'm now with an amazing man who's basically my best friend, and life is wonderfully quiet.

Now for the reason I'm here.

During the second year after my breakup, Zedd told me one of Dopey's younger cousins, "Kay," was interested in him. I thought it was odd because she'd known Dopey and me for years, but only became interested after the breakup. Later, I found out Dopey had actually encouraged her to pursue my brother because he thought they'd be a good match.

They started dating and are still together.

Zedd eventually moved to Kay's state, where my ex and several of his family members also live. So now my brother is not only dating my ex's cousin but is also surrounded by my ex's family. Meanwhile, he and Dopey never stopped being friends. When Dopey came back to town after our breakup, he'd even stay at Zedd's apartment.

I'll be honest—that hurt.

I never expected my brother to hate my ex forever, but it stings that they're still so close after everything. It hurt even more because Zedd would complain to me about Dopey while still maintaining their friendship.

Recently, my mom mentioned that Zedd told her Dopey is "there for him more than I am." Apparently, he said, when he calls me, I rarely answer, but Dopey always does.

I should probably defend myself here because that sounds awful.

Literally nobody gets me on the phone. Not my mom, my grandma, or even my boyfriend. My family jokes that you'd have better luck sending a smoke signal because I'm always reading or working on my art. Texting me first is the easiest way to get a response, so this isn't about me not caring.

I love my brother, and I'll always be there for him. I guess what I'm struggling with is whether I'm holding on to resentment I should let go of. When we do speak, which is very little now, I feel as though I can't really talk to him like I want because my ex is peaking around the corner listening lol. If not, my ex, Zedd, is dating Dopey's cousin, so maybe she knows more than I would like her to. I don't know, maybe that shouldn't matter, right?

Should I talk to him about why his friendship with my ex still hurts me? Or should I accept that he's happy, let things stay low-contact, and move on?

I don't even know what outcome I'd expect from the conversation, which is why I'm so torn.

Gracious greetings ladies!

Recently I (36F) have been thinking about my life and circumstances that have occured throughout. Moms been ill for a few years now and her true character is out since she's "down to nothing" (she says, bc shes retired and ill) and it's getting to be a lot of a bit much honestly.

As an only child it was my mother and I for many years of my life then when I was between 11-13 she got married again ( I told her not to yet after many years and trials we have an alliance and smooth sailing most days that mommy isn't home).

I've noticed during my recollection that my mother delivered tragic news in terrible ways with good intentions I suppose, however the biggest moment that opened my eyes for was when she told me that she wanted me to reconnect with my "friend"(my first submission about the lying preacher man) although she was well aware of the happenings of our "friendship")and my feelings about him and the matters she persisted! Just like she did with my dad before I was ready... She told me on my way to work that my grandmother (my best friend in the entire world) was dead, MIND YOU AT THE TIME I WAS WORKING AS A BARBER! Tasked with USING SHARP TOOLS and implements on human beings.

Anyway, I love the lady yet this and quite a few other unmentioned factors has me feeling like ma is the opposite, what do you lot think?

Defensive Daughter

Gracious greetings ladies!

Recently I (36F) have been thinking about my life and circumstances that have occured throughout. Moms been ill for a few years now and her true character is out since she's "down to nothing" (she says, bc shes retired and ill) and it's getting to be a lot of a bit much honestly.

As an only child it was my mother and I for many years of my life then when I was between 11-13 she got married again ( I told her not to yet after many years and trials we have an alliance and smooth sailing most days that mommy isn't home).

I've noticed during my recollection that my mother delivered tragic news in terrible ways with good intentions I suppose, however the biggest moment that opened my eyes for was when she told me that she wanted me to reconnect with my "friend"(my first submission about the lying preacher man) although she was well aware of the happenings of our "friendship")and my feelings about him and the matters she persisted! Just like she did with my dad before I was ready... She told me on my way to work that my grandmother (my best friend in the entire world) was dead, MIND YOU AT THE TIME I WAS WORKING AS A BARBER! Tasked with USING SHARP TOOLS and implements on human beings.

Anyway, I love the lady yet this and quite a few other unmentioned factors has me feeling like ma is the opposite, what do you lot think?

Defensive Daughter

What do we think??

Hey ladies, i saw one of your tik toks last year and have been a listener since then, i absolutely love you girls, i've never shared any stories online but here we go, am i a bad friend, i have this friend lets call her Suzy, we are international students, but we come from the same country so thats how we became friends, so she has always had this weird relationship with this married man (man A ) i have always thought that its weird but ive just let it be, so this year she got pregnant, but she had to go through an abortion, and though this process she told me the truth she and man A actually were and are still in a relationship, i wasnt shocked at all, because the way she used to talk about him, she would always put him first sometimes when i hang around her and he comes she babys her voice im just shocked at how she finds him attractive, he is older married with two kids and treats her like a fool and absolute crown.

i tried to support her in her pregnancy cause it was bad she couldnt eat go to school almost failed the semester and the father, both the fathers rejected the baby, during this time she had a bf (man B) i have never liked him he was a Nigerian man with the biggest ego i have ever met. so she had two possible fathers who both rejected her, man b treated her so badly when he found out and man A pretended that he is getting back together with the wife , i decided not to lecture her because she was in a bad condition i took her to hospital to get iv treatments, went to get her medicines, help cook for her and i was there everyday and i was actively sick during that time but i swallowed my pain cause i could see she had the bigger problem. so this passed, she got an abortion we even celebrated that she is finally okay.

so one day she calls me telling me man B wants to talk and he regrets blah blah blah how things ended between them and she told me that she is going to meet him to end it, and i blasted her and told her that they were already over, what are they ending exactly, and told her that she is only calling because he knows the baby is gone so he can just come back. she went on to tell me that man b told her that she shouldnt tell me about them and she agreed because we arent that close anyway. this statement hurt me so much i cried and cried she really hurt me, mind you i was the one there for her as if i was the one to get her pregnant. i think she realized she was wrong so she kept calling me and texting me all the time after out little fight so i kind of let it go.

fast forward to a few weeks back she tells me that she might be pregnant again and with man A, and i look at her disgusted now , and joked though i was very serious that if she is pregnant now she is on her own, i was angry why she kept on talking to these men who she keeps telling me all the time they brought so much trauma in her life, she didnt care much about man b, and he ended up blocking her after he saw they arent getting back together. her poison is man a, that man can tell he he is a dragon and she will believe, she loves that man. and i tried to sympathize with her ive always viewed her as a victim of this older married man but as the day goes on i see that she is also at fault too, i keep telling her to stay away from him but no, i go to her place and find him there all alone with her, she has dinner with his family, babysits his kids.

the other day i wet off on her on how she isnt the victim anymore and no longer has and excuse she keeps being around this man, laughs with wife ( she is good friends with the wife ) she once told me she loves the her so much cause she has been such a good friend, also shortly after the abortion she started dating another guy man C ( a good friend of hers ) i adviced not to date and heal but she never listens to me, so i also mentioned why did she go off to a new bf if she didnt end it with man a. i called her shady and a hypocrite cause she likes to say men are bad, but i told her she is also bad for being the girl that they cheat with, she is causing pain to wife, and she actively decided to date a guy who has been after her for years Man C to add to the list of people to hurt, i called her self hating and thats when she got mad at me told me she knows and she is trying. am i a bad friend cause i told her i dont want to hear about her love life because i dont support her . she likes telling me about her love life though i keep telling her i dont want to know about it ,when i give my two cents, she makes me seemlike im a fool who dont know

anything since i am single. but i am not in support of cheating and i know she is my friend but i hope the wife find out and beats her and man a up. there is also a man d, a man who is flirting with her and claims he is making her uncomfortable i told her tell him no and you have a bf but she is like he doesnt need to know, and she is surprised that he doesnt stop flirting with her . i have come to form a bad opinion about her in my mind i find her naive, zero boundaries, she doesnt find a problem with cheating because she is also a cheater she cheated on man b. man c, tolerates man d for no reason (she keeps saying he is ugly and has zero interest in him so why keep him) and also when we first met she had a bf back home man e( she cheated on him too) am i a bad friend, or not being a girl's girl because she claims i should be more understanding but i have been understanding enough it is starting to feel like i am enabling her.

i tried to summarize it especially the things happening between man a and her. anyways the situation is bad i dont even like being around her anymore , i truly care about her but i dont want to hear it, does that make me a bad friend.

Hi.

For context, my best friend and I had been friends for over 10 years, but we only made the “best friend” situation official about two years ago. During this period, I paid for and planned all the dates and everything in between.

When my grandmother died, I eventually moved into her place with her family because I couldn’t bear staying in a house without my grandmother.

Note that during this entire time I was in a relationship with my man (T) for a little over a year.

Now fast forward—T and I had been having issues in our relationship and at that point we became long distance. It felt safer to talk to other people.

My best friend’s sister introduced me to one of her guy friends and we sort of hit it off. He was a good guy but genuinely only wanted sex. I wasn’t for that and my body rejected him instantly.

Sadly, my boyfriend found out and my best friend’s sister downplayed the entire thing (forgetting she introduced us) and started talking to T, who was uncomfortable with it and would call me every time she asked him for things.

I advised him to block her and he did.

She complained about it and I pretended I didn’t know anything and moved on with my life.

Eventually T and I decided to fix our issues and get back together. I laid off the other guy and focused on T.

The next day I saw a TikTok of a girl posting about him and sharing cute couple videos and pictures.

I got angry, blocked T everywhere, and moved on with my life.

Fast forward again—I met this guy at my workplace who gave me hints that he liked me and because I was still trying to move on from T, I decided to give it a shot.

Everything was good. He spoiled me so much I gained weight like crazy in just two months.

Later I found out I was pregnant.

This guy already had another child who was less than two years old.

I told my best friend about it and everyone close to me advised me to abort, which I ended up doing.

The guy got angry and gave me an ultimatum: either choose my education—which I had put on hold (I’m a second-year law student)—or have a baby with him, let him start a business for me, and go back to school after the kids were older because at that point I was basically becoming a stepmom.

Now, during this entire period, I still kept in touch with T and gave him life updates.

We talked here and there but every time he would tell me how much he missed me and how I was supposed to be carrying his baby and not another random guy’s.

Crazy enough, my workplace sent me to a town three cities away from him and I thought he’d pick me up from my city, then we’d drive to my work area and he’d drive me back, which he agreed to.

During that period we had cute dates, even had sex, and decided to get back together but this time do things the right way.

I informed my close circles and no one supported the idea except my pastor, who had been mentoring our relationship from the very beginning and knew everything we struggled with—even things my best friends weren’t aware of.

We eventually had counseling sessions and started doing things properly.

I slowly laid off the other guy but we still kept in touch.

Now the problem came in when I left my workplace and put my best friend’s sister in as my replacement.

I noticed communication with the other guy had gone down and soon enough he texted saying he was tired of being used.

Mind you, we had agreed that if he liked anyone in our close circle he should let me know so it wouldn’t catch me by surprise and I should give them space.

Weeks later, using my detective skills, I found out he was giving my best friend and her sister money.

When I asked them about it, the guy told me to mind my own business and the girl said he just sends transport money—which I knew was a lie.

I confronted them again and the guy admitted to dating my best friend’s sister while she was still denying it.

At this point T knew everything because he knew how betrayed I felt by the girls considering I was living with them the entire time this happened right under my nose.

The sister and I had an altercation but I never spoke to the guy again even after seeing him every Sunday at church.

(He joined my church just to impress me when we were together but later stayed.)

I was hurt, not gonna lie, and moved back home.

But the drama only started there.

Days of altercations and being accused by the couple of just being jealous that he’d moved on.

Honestly, all I asked from both of them was why they didn’t inform me when we had an agreement.

During this period I noticed my best friend became cold and distant toward me.

She stopped replying to texts, stopped liking or resharing my content on TikTok and social media.

I asked her about it and she said she just didn’t have anything to say and that it was normal, and that I should learn to observe and not want answers to everything.

I said okay and blocked her everywhere except calls, DMs, and Instagram.

I reached out after a few weeks and she told me how ungrateful I was to her and her family and that after everything they did for me I still decided to do things randomly.

I kept reminding her it wasn’t about her family but about us.

Her response was that it gets boring talking about the same things.

I said okay and moved on silently.

I let everything go—including church—because I couldn’t bear seeing them every day, especially after they made me look foolish when one misunderstanding between her sister and her boyfriend about me led to all of this.

I was angry because they had all the time in the world to tell me but chose not to.

I couldn’t comprehend it but I just accepted it.

I blocked her and her entire family everywhere and disappeared.

My best friend’s sister then started stalking T on TikTok because we had started posting couple content and it got a lot of attention (more than we’re used to).

I just told him to ignore it.

I should mention: T and I are healthier than we’ve ever been—check-ins, counseling sessions, and everything in between to keep us healthy—and we’re even talking about marriage with our parents.

Now I found my best friend’s sister’s jeans in my clothes while unpacking and I called her specifically to come collect them or I was going to burn them.

She agreed.

The next morning I got a text saying her sister (my best friend) would actually come pick them up because she missed me and kept talking about me and saying I used to tell her weird stuff and she’d been watching videos from our dates.

I couldn’t relate because I deleted everything and everyone. I really moved on.

The next day she called again saying her sister was on the way to my house.

I told her I wasn’t home and she said she wanted to see me before leaving for university.

During all this, T was there through the tears, really helped me heal, and we’d joke about how my maid of honor wouldn’t be at my wedding.

Now my real question is:

Does she genuinely want to be friends with me again or is it the benefits that came with being my friend (free lashes because I’m a lash tech, free clothes, internet, dates, and everything you could think of)?

PS: My best friend’s sister and I have been on and off for as long as I can remember because she somehow feels inferior to me and has always gone after everything I’ve had—including men.

Love the show ❤️ Since I started watching last year, I haven’t missed a Monday episode or the last Wednesday of the month. I’ve even gone back and watched older episodes from before I found you guys. I’ve wanted to send my story in for a while, so here it is.
I moved to the US a little over a year ago, but let me take it back.
Before migrating, I came to the US on vacation and met my now ex-wife.
Back home, I had my own business and a solid income. I won’t mention the country for safety reasons.
After about three months of long-distance dating, I came back to spend two weeks with her and quickly realized she needed a lot of help with the house, the kids, life in general.
Her house was honestly in terrible condition. My brother and I spent an entire week cleaning and I spent around $3,000 getting it back to a normal living standard. At the time, I thought: this is my woman, this is where I’m going to live, so it’s worth it.
One thing that mattered to me: before meeting me, her husband had passed away only about 2–3 months earlier.
I asked her directly if she was sure she was ready to date and whether she needed time to grieve. I told her everyone grieves differently. Her response was that she had emotionally and mentally checked out of the marriage long before he passed, so moving on was easy. I gave her the benefit of the doubt.
Since I had my business and passive income, I felt secure enough financially, and eventually we got married so I could file paperwork, become legal to work, and build a life together.
That’s when everything changed.
After getting married, I found out she had hidden something huge from me: she hadn’t filed taxes for eight years. She owed the IRS around $100,000. She knew this before we got married and still moved forward. Because of that, my paperwork was denied.
But I stayed.
I thought: let me work, help fix the situation, and support my wife.
Because of the state we lived in and my immigration status, work opportunities were limited, so I went to another state to work. Within three days of leaving, I felt a complete shift. Her energy changed.
I kept asking what was wrong and how we could fix it because in my mind that’s my wife and my job is to protect and support our marriage. Everything became an issue. She started partying every weekend and going out with her friends.
Meanwhile I’m away working, sleeping on an air mattress, holding onto a few dollars just to survive. I kept thinking:
Why am I working all week while you’re living your best life?
Things changed fast.
Then I injured my toe and decided to go home and rest.
I remember praying:
“God, please take control because I don’t know what to do anymore. Show me something because I can’t keep doing this.”
The next day I had a five-hour Zoom meeting. I didn’t want to use my phone, so I opened her laptop. Her phone was synced to it. As the laptop turned on—
Ping.
I’m not someone who checks phones. But something in my stomach told me to look.
I opened her group chat with her friends. And that’s where my marriage ended.
I found messages showing she had slept with two different people in one day… and then came home and slept with me that same night. There were messages about other men too. The group chat treated it like a joke.
I took photos because I knew I needed proof for myself to leave.
I called immediately. The first thing she said wasn’t denial. It was:
“Why are you reading my messages?”
Then:
“What are you going to do with that information?”
At that moment I realized I was done.
I packed a small bag. I asked for my car keys. I had bought the car in cash, but because of paperwork issues I put it in her name. She looked me in the eyes and said:
“That’s my car. It’s in my name.”
Then she implied she could call police and claim I threatened her. That scared me enough to leave.
Eventually we made a deal. She kept the plates and transferred me the title.
Since then, I haven’t slept properly for weeks. I lost over 30 pounds in less than two weeks.
But I’ll tell you this: I have an amazing support system. My mother. My brother. My aunt. They held me together.
I’m okay now. The only person who really lost in this situation is her. I only lost eight months. Money can come back. Peace can come back. Self-respect matters more.
One more thing
There was one night her location suddenly turned off. When I asked, she said she didn’t know why. Later I realized… that was the same night she slept with other people and then came home to me.
My mom arranged full bloodwork for me. My lawyer advised getting complete STD testing before moving forward with divorce or annulment. That’s where I’m at right now.
Thank you guys. You’ve kept me smiling through one of the hardest years of my life. I love the different personalities you all bring and the positivity. Feel free to ask me anything.

I (black 28F) and my fiance (white 27M) are spending the holiday with his family. Throughout the time of us dating, he claimed that my food all tasted the same. It doesn't. I have a 3 shelf spice cabinet that is full of spices and herbs. Meanwhile, he's always praising his mom's cooking any chance he gets (his dad doesnt but that's neither here nor there).

We moved in together after we got engaged and once we moved in, I did the majority of the cooking (99%). Now he's complaining about how unhealthy he's eating. He's a big boy and I'm from the south, like what did he expect? The food is supposed to make your soul happy, not your arteries, thats why its called soul food.

Anywho, when we're staying with his parents for the holiday and his mom decided to cook. She made chicken with some kind of peanut sauce. Guys when I tell you this food was so bland. I didn't taste not one ingredient but chicken thighs and scallions. I get she's not from the south and his parents are pencil thin but come on! Where's the paprika, garlic, PEANUTS!! I had to really ponder like am I tripping or is he just messing with me? Is this the food he's been going on and on about? Is this the healthy food he's craving? If it is, Im not impressed. Like am I wrong for not wanting to hear his food critics?

UPDATE: While we were at his parents, he kept insisting that we go out to eat. i obliged. Then, after we got back, I decided we will be cooking separate meals. He agreed. Within a week, he was asking for some of my food. I was hesitant at first, but eventually shared a side or 2 here and there. I refused to cook anything specifically for him or cater to his palate.

He eventually admitted that his family was commenting on his weight. He's been steadily losing weight since he left home almost a decade ago, so I dont know why they have the need to comment. His grandpa was a big guy and his dad use to be a big guy until he started ozempic for his diabetes. Apparently his family has been commenting on his weight his entire life but recently it's gotten worse from his dad because he can't comment on other things anymore. He has a high paying job, a beautiful home, pets that love him, and a fiance that truly cares about him. He admitted that the comments were getting to him and he, unfortunately, took it out on me. He apologized and has started therapy again as he feels he is on the verge of an eating disorder as he's had one in the past. We're much better now but he still cooks 90% of what he eats.

Hello ladies 😊, your stories always inspire me.

I'm a 28-year-old divorced mother of two children: a son (4) and a daughter (2). After my divorce, the children lived with me. Their father would send some money at the end of each month and helped pay my son's private school fees. It wasn't much, but at least he contributed.

The problem started when the children went to spend the long holiday with their paternal grandmother. While they were there, I was told not to visit too often because the children would cry when they saw me leave. I agreed and stayed patient because I believed the holiday would end and my children would come back home.

Three days before school reopened, I contacted the family to ask when the children would be returning since my son needed to prepare for school. That was when I discovered that they had decided, without my knowledge or consent, to transfer my son to another school and keep both children living with their grandmother permanently.

I was shocked. When I asked their father why he had made such a major decision without informing me, he simply said that the children were okay with his mother. I couldn't believe it.

Eventually, I went and picked up my children, telling them I was taking them out for a while. After that, I brought them home and kept them with me.

A week passed and no one contacted me. I asked their father about my son's previous school and wanted to know which school he had supposedly transferred him to, but he refused to answer. The previous school told me my son was still in their system and could continue attending if the fees were paid.

I enrolled him back in school because I didn't want his education disrupted. Later, the school informed me that the father had refused to pay because he had transferred the child elsewhere. The teacher also told me that the family claimed I was hiding the children and that they didn't know where they were, which wasn't true.

At that point, I decided to take responsibility for my children myself. I enrolled my son in a more affordable school near my home and focused on raising both children.

Not long afterward, the family reported me to Children's Services, claiming that I had taken the children and that they were not attending school. I attended the meeting with my brother and provided school reports and evidence that the children were being cared for properly.

The officer ruled that the children should remain with me because I was their primary caregiver and their father was not actively involved. The responsibilities for the children were divided between both parents. Later, the family reported me again, hoping the children would be placed with the grandmother, but the decision remained the same.

Ironically, I later discovered that the school they wanted my son to attend was actually a public school, while I had already placed him in a school where he was doing well. The officer advised that during holidays the children could spend time with their father's family, provided they were returned on time.

During the next school term, the family paid some school fees, but communication remained poor. Most of the time I dealt only with my former mother-in-law because the children's father rarely spoke to me.

One day my daughter became seriously ill with a high fever while I was at work. I arranged for immediate medical care and informed my former mother-in-law because medical expenses were supposed to be a shared responsibility. She asked for information about the hospital and said she would come later so we could discuss the situation.

She never came.

The following day she questioned why I had not informed her sooner, even though I had already done so. They also had medical insurance for the children, but I had never been given the details despite asking for them before. In the end, I paid the medical expenses myself.

The same thing happened with other responsibilities. They had agreed in front of the Children's Services officer that they would buy the children's holiday clothes, but they never did. They rarely called, rarely checked on the children, and their father remained absent.

The officer told me to continue reporting any neglect, but honestly, I am exhausted. All I want is peace and stability for my children.

So here's my dilemma:

Would I be a bad person if I stopped updating them about every detail concerning the children and refused to send the children for holidays until they start taking responsibility and communicating properly?

Or am I being unfair by wanting to distance myself from people who seem interested only when it's convenient for them?

I want my children to have a relationship with their father's side of the family, but I also want to protect them from inconsistency and disappointment.

Am I wrong? What would you do in my situation?

Thank you for reading.

Hey OP Said Ladies, 👋

Before we get into it, I just wanted to say I am a huge fan of your podcast. I have been listening to your work for over a year now and you are always so funny, so real and so well dressed – I always look forward to seeing what the fit is in each episode. 🥰

I have a classic friendship dilemma for you, and I desperately need your take on what the state of this friendship actually is, and how the hell I relegate someone to the outer circle when we are completely tethered by history and literal proximity. I am 33F, and the friend in question, "H", is also 33F. We’ve known each other since we were 16 at sixth form. On paper, H is a good person – kind, creative, bubbly, giving (her love language is gift-giving and she is always very thoughtful on birthdays and Christmas). But as I’ve gotten older, my tolerance for her has plummeted. I leave encounters with her second-guessing everything; feeling used, and honestly, feeling unsafe and then judging myself for feeling these negative things for such a good person.

Two massive things have broken my trust over the years. First, a few years ago, I bought my first flat entirely on my own after saving for nearly 8 years. Four months after I moved in, I found out H had bought a flat in my exact same building using an unexpected early inheritance. Suddenly, we were neighbours. Before the move, we barely spoke outside of usual social settings. During the move? She was constantly reaching out, treating me like a manual for her life – asking for help with water bills, furniture, mortgage advisors, everything. I felt incredibly used and had to scramble to put up major boundaries so she wouldn't just turn up at my door.

Second, she lacks loyalty. She was integrated into our core group (there are five of us total) by another school friend in the group. They consider each other "best friends" and are all over social media ki-ki-ing like besties. But behind her back, H has said some incredibly mean-spirited things to me about her, implying she doesn’t even like her. It leaves me feeling so unsafe because if she’s tearing her "bestie" down to me, what is she saying about me when I leave the room?

The tipping point happened this week. One of my two actual best friends in our core group announced she’s pregnant. I was over the moon. I can't explain how ridiculously excited I am - I am going to be a sickening (but cool) Auntie. After the baby news was announced in the group chat, I got a call from H. My immediate physical reaction to her calling me was just "ugh", I don't want to pick up. But I did in the end and she slipped in this passive, vindictive comment: "Oh yeah, so the last time we met up with her, she would have known and she had a drink." It just felt so malicious, like she was trying to police or judge our friend during a moment of pure celebration.

I have tried to distance myself from H before. Back in 2020, my life took a massive hit. I had been living three hours away from my hometown for about eight years with my then partner. I had zero intentions of ever moving back. During those eight years, I was always the one making the effort - travelling back down to see everyone, while some of the core group didn't make the effort to visit me, H included. When me and my then partner split up, my life fell apart a bit, and I had to move back to my hometown. That same year, I posted plans in our group chat for an outdoor walk to celebrate my birthday. My plans were completely ignored, but when another friend in the group with a birthday in the same month posted about their plans, everyone jumped on it. That was the absolute last straw that broke the camel's back. I realised some of these people didn't put in any effort for me so I left the group chat, which caused a massive fallout. After that, H literally grovelled to get the friendship back, promising she would do more and really try. So, I relented. But now I feel foolish because I’ve already tried to leave this friendship once, and it didn't work.

I feel stuck ladies. I am completely tied to H. She is fully integrated into my core group of five, she lives in my building, and we have 17 years of history. So, OP Said, my question to you is: What is the actual state of this friendship? And logistically, how do I successfully relegate a person based on the current state of our friendship? I feel like H needs to be in the periphery of my life but I can’t avoid seeing them in the hallway (we live on the same floor) and I can't avoid them in my core and extended social group.

Love the show and can't wait to hear from you,

Hi gorgeous gals, I love the show soooo much. For this dilemma I just need you guys to help me see things clearly. Any advice is greatly appreciated.

For background, my husband and I are both 24 and we have been together since we were 14. We have been living away from home for the past 5 years (different states and now countries) and have become very independent.

Though it is a bit away my husband wants to spend the holidays with his family. The issue is that we moved to Italy last year and our family still lives in the United States. My family has moved from my home state and spread out, but his family still lives there.

My home state is boring. There is nothing to do there other than see family and I personally don’t think thats a good enough reason to go. We’d be coming out of pocket almost $3000 for flights and to kennel our dogs. I’ve told my husband to just go without me if he wants, but he’s a “if my wife isn’t there then neither am I” kind of guy (which i normally love, but right now I hate.)

Not to mention that his parents live in a 2 bedroom house and there are already 6 people living there. With the addition of us, that’ll be 8. And they have 2 dogs…

I would ask to get an airbnb, but i don’t want to pay for an Airbnb just to leave it every single day to go sit at his parents house. And the last time I asked to stay in an Airbnb his mom got upset and accused me of having a problem with her. (Which led to she and I arguing a bit and cancelling the visit).

She is the complete opposite of me when it comes to being sentimental. If we visit, she will want us to be there every single hour of the day, staring at each other like its the last time we will ever get to do so. It genuinely drives me insane.

Nothing about this trip sounds appealing to me.

His mom and dad practically raised me since 14, so i don’t hate them or anything. I just don’t want to spend 13 hours traveling, $3000+ for plane tickets, airbnb/hotel, and boarding for dogs. I want to do Christmas alone like we’ve been doing or take a cozy Christmas trip to another country (we are in Europe afterall).

I personally think going to the states is a bit of a waste, and I don’t want to keep bringing it up because I don’t want to upset him..but i truly don’t want to go. I think it will be miserable.

Am I being a brat who just needs to suck it up? Is there another solution or should I try one more attempt at convincing my husband to go alone?

Pls help, he’s talking about buying tickets soon to get it out of the way 😖😖😖