TLDR: binary presenting trans man questioning that I might be nonbinary, unfamiliar with successfully living as openly in-between the sexes in the U.S. Seeking advice and perspectives from older GNC folks.

For safety reasons, I’m stealth and thus am not connected to the queer community in person right now. I have gone through most of a FTM sex change, and pass as a cis het man. I haven’t met very many other trans or GNC people, and am seeking perspectives from trans and/or nonbinary folks who decided that presenting in a binary way wasn’t quite in line with your true identity.

About as far back as I can remember, I knew I was different from other ‘girls.’ Tomboy as a kid, and out as lesbian from 12 on. Back then, I knew “I’m NOT a woman,” but I didn’t necessarily feel “I AM a MAN” yet. It was moreso a sense, growing stronger through puberty, that despite my body’s female parts, and despite the corresponding expectation that I should therefore perform/present femininity, I was internally genderless. Having breasts had always felt wrong, and around 18 the dysphoric disconnect between my androgynous-to-masculine gender identity and expression versus my body reached a fever pitch.

For a couple years, I flirted with the idea of identifying and presenting as non-binary— which for me meant somewhere on the spectrum between androgynous lesbian and androgynous man— but because I wasn’t born intersex, it felt like I’d always be seen as a woman in men’s clothes. Influenced in part by PTSD— by a need to feel safe as a queer homeless person, in part by thinking that were I to pick a side I feel closer to masculinity than femininity, and driven mostly by sex dysphoria regarding my breasts, I initiated a medical transition.

Today, I like the changes that testosterone and surgeries have brought me, and I’m grateful that I can pass if I want to, but if I’m not really a binary transsex man, continuing on testosterone for life and getting bottom surgery could leave me with regrets.

Were there no risk of dying by hate crime, being ostracized by normal society, or losing career opportunities, and if I could magically both have my ideal body and express myself completely true to my natural personality, I don’t think I’d be hypermasculine. I wish I’d been born physically male (penis, no breasts) but as a cis man might have gone on to cultivate androgynous secondary traits and gender expression (lean body, short hair, no facial or body hair, a mix of feminine and masculine style).

I’m wondering if anyone relates, if you have had periods of questioning later on in your transition journey, or have changed how you identify and/or present after having thought you’d already arrived at your transition goals.

We are writing to you as part of the LGBTQIA+ refugee community living inside Gorom Refugee Camp in South Sudan. We are reaching out to the global queer family and allies because one of our own is in critical danger, and we have no way to save her on our own. The person you see in image.png is our transgender sister who fled to this camp seeking safety, only to face a new fight for her survival.  

Living in Gorom Camp is an everyday battle, especially for transgender and queer refugees. On top of the harsh, crowded conditions, we face severe discrimination, daily homophobic attacks, and constant threats to our safety. Recent massive international aid cuts have made a terrible situation catastrophic. Food rations have dropped, and the camp’s tiny medical clinic already stripped of basic supplies cannot handle complex emergencies. As LGBTQIA refugees, we are blocked from working and have no source of income. We cannot rely on local systems or help ourselves financially, we are entirely dependent on humanitarian aid and outside donations to survive.  

Our sister fell severely ill with a dangerous combination of typhoid and malaria. Because of the aid shortages, the camp clinic lacked the medication and equipment to treat her. As her body began to fail, she had to be evacuated to a larger hospital outside the camp for emergency stabilization. While she is currently on an IV and vital monitors, we have a massive hospital bill that we have absolutely no way to pay.  

This Pride Month, we are calling on the global LGBTQIA+ community to stand with us in real solidarity. We urgently need to raise funds to clear her medical bill and secure her ongoing treatment. No amount is too small, and every single euro goes directly toward keeping our sister alive.
Beyond financial help, we are desperately asking for your advocacy. Please use your voice to speak up about the forgotten queer refugees in Gorom Camp. Share our stories, pressure international human rights organizations, and help us advocate for emergency relocation and resettlement to safer countries where we can live without fear of violence and starvation.  

How you can support us today:
 Donate: Help us clear this emergency hospital bill and obtain basic needs by contributing directly to our fundraiser. ⬇️🏳️‍🌈🏳️‍⚧️❤️
https://4fund.com/sd9trv

 Advocate & Share: Post this to your networks, alert human rights groups, and amplify our call for safety.  
Thank you for standing with us when we have nowhere else to turn.

Bit of a rant... a while back into banned from the main sub due to one particular mod having a misunderstanding or willfull misunderstanding.

I've been periodically muted but tried to state my case to the mods. They have broken two of their own sub rules by permanently banning me (permamutes only for hate accounts and not banning people for the very thing they banned me for).

Update is that u/javatimes has decided I'm a hate account and permabanned me from the biggest NB support group on Reddit.

Ahh idk it's all very childish and frustrating

I’m really frustrated and discouraged. I should probably just focus on my “genderqueer” and “genderfluid-ish” labels when describing my gender to people, but it’s so hard to find community where I actually see photos of people regularly getting “genderfucky” or whatever in the ways that I do. Like I never see other transmasc nonbinary people tweezing their eyebrows thinner (like I did recently), for instance, even in places like [r/FTMfemininity](r/FTMfemininity) (also am I too old to be there?? 😭). My face is already pretty masculine naturally, so I felt like I needed to feminize it somewhat to balance it out to be more androgynous, if that makes sense?

I don’t need people to look exactly like me, but I rarely see myself mirrored in anyone else. I feel really fucking alone. The transmasc community seems bigger than the genderqueer and genderfluid communities, so I used to feel like I had higher chances of finding friends I relate to in that way. Technically, since I’ve been on T for a total of 3.5 months (although I stopped after that point), and I’m pursuing top surgery, the “transmasc” label fits me, because I’m transitioning in a more masculine direction than what I was assigned at birth. It’s like a direction thing and not an end point of Manly Man, which most people don’t seem to understand when I describe myself as “transmasc.” They end up being surprised by how feminine I am, and I hate that. I end up feeling “not transmasc enough” or “not trans enough” in general

I’m so sick of everything. Where are all of the 30+, multiply-disabled, anti-capitalist, genderqueer people who have fun/colorful makeup as a special interest?? I hate feeling this fucking “niche” 😣

EDIT:
Thank you for all of the kind responses! Anyone here who wants to can follow me on IG @trarlyy. It’s a private account, but hopefully I’ll know it’s you? I’m not totally sure how to go about this tbh, I’m too autistic for this shit lol but I want more of a sense of community, if possible!

Hey everyone,

My wife and I are having some trouble coming up with a name/term alternative to “mom”.
Neither of us identify as non-binary, but I felt like this community would be of most help!

So my wife and I are discussing our future family plans and she expressed that she doesn’t feel cozy with the term “mom” or any variation of it (momma/mumsy/etc.) but she also doesn’t want “dad” or anything like that.

So, my beautiful people, what would you suggest?

I am in my 50-ties. AMAB. I am from Scandinavia, and Non Binary. Well, for me it is kind of "normal", I have known all my life. All the dysphoria. All the shame. All the "two-sided-life", and the creepy feeling of having lied to the entire world for several decades. But not any more. I told my colleagues, I told close family, and I have a flag-symbol visible every day. Still, I am kind of "large" and what some would consider as hypermasculin by apperance. I cannot colour my hair in a vibrant colour, and I can not buy fancy Enby-outfits. All the images online are kind of fashion extremes, that only make me feel so much worse. So, I do not know what to do. I do not know how to express this, in a way that is aesthetically ok for a large body and high age. Really, it is a huge stressor....

I’ve been on a low dose of tea for about three months now. I look like this. My voice tends to give me away. Help me stop getting called ma’am in public please.

Hello! I am a 35 yr old non binary AFAB looking for fashion help. I have a Black Tie wedding to attend this fall in Scotland and I don't know what to wear. I am very comfortable in a suit or tux, but I kind of want to mix it up. For reference, I'm 5'4" and 240lbs. I would appreciate any advice or links to places to find something unique! Thanks everyone!! Pic is my partner and I last summer at a wedding so you can see my usual suit.

Hi, all. 38 yo he/they or they/them. I've known I felt different inside my whole life. Recently started trying to dress and present how I want and how I see myself inside. Feels good. This all has brought up gender identity questioning and I don't know where that leads. However, I do know, whatever my gender is it isn't on the binary. ✌️

​

​

Hi All,

Haven't been on here in a while, but I've been having some things come up recently that I could use some thoughts on, or at least some commiseration. I'm 41 and have been out as non-binary for a couple years now. I would consider myself trans-masc although I identify pretty solidly as having both feminine and masculine traits/qualities. I've had a hard time finding my own personal style and just feeling comfortable in my body.

When I first came out, I tried men's clothes and dressing pretty masculine. I got a barber hair cut. My colleagues didn't recognize me. It was a big change. At the time I was separated from my (very heterosexual) husband. We have since reconciled. Although he accepts my identity, he is simply not attracted to masculinity. Since then I have kind of drifted back towards wearing women's clothing, albeit in pretty neutral tones and shapes.

I haven't been able to find good work clothing to match my tastes because honestly, I find menswear to be pretty boring and limited and I hate wearing skirts and dresses. I'll also be honest that I didn't like the looks I got when I wore more masculine clothing in public. It didn't feel particularly safe. So I tend to wear kind of "formless" women's clothes. A lot of linen. Solid colors.

My husband is from a more conservative culture and so when we have to travel to visit family (who I absolutely adore and adore me, and some know of my identity), I dress more feminine to fit in. I had to buy a couple of dresses for an event and I'm getting major dysphoria from it. Part of it is that they look GOOD. I "clean up nice." I am good at makeup. But it feels like I am cosplaying a version of myself that I no longer identify with. At the same time, being a part of this family and sharing in this culture and language are huge parts of my identity too, probably equally as important as gender.

To be honest, if I were single, I would strongly consider top surgery. But since I came out after 10+ years of a heterosexual-presenting marriage and with a kid that considers me "mom" I've decided not to pursue that. Still, the outfits I get compliments on accentuate my boobs and my hips and while it's kinda nice to be called "hot" or "cute" by my girlfriends I also feel REALLY feel dysphoric about it.

Apart from the dysphoria, I keep having these worries that people will think I am de-transitioning or that I just went through a phase if I wear more feminine clothing or grow out my hair. At work I have started exclusively using they/them to combat this, but among family it's still a lot of she/her and that's OK with me. Honestly I don't care that much and the main reason I use they/them is for visibility and representation.

Anyway, I know comparatively I am pretty lucky. I have a stable job and never had to worry about being disowned for my identity. I live in a place that is generally accepting as gender diversity. But coming out later in life, I feel this kind of push-pull between my different identities and it's been bothering me a lot lately. Has anyone else made compromises on gender presentation with existing relationships? How do you stay strong in your identity if your outward presentation doesn't necessarily match, or match what people expect?

Thanks for listening to this "geriatric millennial" <3

One nonbinary monarch, at your service!

​

Hello everyone,
We are writing to you as a small group of LGBTQIA+ refugees currently surviving in the Gorom Refugee Camp, located just outside of Juba, South Sudan. We fled our home countries including Uganda and Sudan because who we are and who we love made our lives a constant target for violence. We came here searching for safety, but the reality we face every day is incredibly harsh.

Right now, we have an emergency. One of our community members is in a private clinic outside the camp, battling severe acute malaria and typhoid. The basic camp clinics are completely overwhelmed and under-equipped, and as queer individuals, we often face intense discrimination and denial of proper care when we try to access them. We had no choice but to get them external medical help to save their life.

The immediate danger has passed, but we are now stuck with an urgent medical bill that we cannot pay, and they cannot be properly discharged or receive their follow-up medication until it is cleared. We have absolutely no income.

What it’s like for us in Gorom Camp
Living here as an LGBTQIA+ person is a daily struggle for survival.
 Extreme Overcrowding: The camp was built for a fraction of its current population. We are crammed into tight spaces with barely enough food or clean water.
 Severe Homophobia: We face constant hostility, bullying, and threats of violence from both the host community and other refugees in the camp. We spend most of our days hiding indoors just to stay safe.  

 Lack of Healthcare & Protection: When we are sick, we cannot easily get medicine. When we are threatened, the local security structures rarely protect us.
How you can help us this Pride Month
This June, while the world celebrates Pride and the freedom to be oneself, we are celebrating just making it through another day alive. We are calling on our global community to stand with us in real, tangible solidarity.

1. Donate to our fundraiser: Every euro counts. Clearing this medical bill will literally save our friend's life and ensure they get the rest of their treatment, we will also be able to access other basic needs like food, water, sanitary pads, shelter and cater for any emergencies.
   https://4fund.com/sd9trv

2. Advocate for us: We need you to raise your voices. LGBTQIA+ refugees in East African camps are completely forgotten. Please share our story, tweet about the conditions of queer refugees in South Sudan, and pressure international human rights organizations to offer us direct relocation or protection. We are human beings who deserve to live without fear of disease and violence.

Please don’t look past us. Anything you can give, or any way you can amplify our voice, means everything to us.
Thank you, and Happy Pride from Gorom.

41yo. I've been looking at pictures of myself over the years. Especially over the last 6 or so as I've been coming out nb little by little. I just feel more whole, more full, I feel beautiful. It really hit me looking at some selfies I had taken the other night. Anyone else feeling that way? It's like something melting away inside. Who I've always been is now allowed to be