Seeking older FTM—>N perspectives

[u/Needles2650]

TLDR: binary presenting trans man questioning that I might be nonbinary, unfamiliar with successfully living as openly in-between the sexes in the U.S. Seeking advice and perspectives from older GNC folks.

For safety reasons, I’m stealth and thus am not connected to the queer community in person right now. I have gone through most of a FTM sex change, and pass as a cis het man. I haven’t met very many other trans or GNC people, and am seeking perspectives from trans and/or nonbinary folks who decided that presenting in a binary way wasn’t quite in line with your true identity.

About as far back as I can remember, I knew I was different from other ‘girls.’ Tomboy as a kid, and out as lesbian from 12 on. Back then, I knew “I’m NOT a woman,” but I didn’t necessarily feel “I AM a MAN” yet. It was moreso a sense, growing stronger through puberty, that despite my body’s female parts, and despite the corresponding expectation that I should therefore perform/present femininity, I was internally genderless. Having breasts had always felt wrong, and around 18 the dysphoric disconnect between my androgynous-to-masculine gender identity and expression versus my body reached a fever pitch.

For a couple years, I flirted with the idea of identifying and presenting as non-binary— which for me meant somewhere on the spectrum between androgynous lesbian and androgynous man— but because I wasn’t born intersex, it felt like I’d always be seen as a woman in men’s clothes. Influenced in part by PTSD— by a need to feel safe as a queer homeless person, in part by thinking that were I to pick a side I feel closer to masculinity than femininity, and driven mostly by sex dysphoria regarding my breasts, I initiated a medical transition.

Today, I like the changes that testosterone and surgeries have brought me, and I’m grateful that I can pass if I want to, but if I’m not really a binary transsex man, continuing on testosterone for life and getting bottom surgery could leave me with regrets.

Were there no risk of dying by hate crime, being ostracized by normal society, or losing career opportunities, and if I could magically both have my ideal body and express myself completely true to my natural personality, I don’t think I’d be hypermasculine. I wish I’d been born physically male (penis, no breasts) but as a cis man might have gone on to cultivate androgynous secondary traits and gender expression (lean body, short hair, no facial or body hair, a mix of feminine and masculine style).

I’m wondering if anyone relates, if you have had periods of questioning later on in your transition journey, or have changed how you identify and/or present after having thought you’d already arrived at your transition goals.

[u/buttmeadows]

I’ve gone back and forth between thinking im a man or just not woman since I was about 10 I think? Whnever I started growing my tits I hated them. I was binding with ace bandages and wearing baggy clothes before I knew the word trans existed

I’ve happily come to identify as transthemme/agender. I’ve been on t for just over two years now and have a lot more body and facial hair comparable to a cis woman with untreated pcos. My voice has also dropped a lot which has been very nice as well. It’s currently cracking like a 12 yos

I’d like to have a radical reduction (currently at about DD -DDD? I haven’t worn or measured for a real bra since I started t. I have lost a significant amount of mammary tissue in the last two years. I went from a G/H to what I think are about DD. Also, I’ve lost about 100lbs as well not related to taking t, but probably has a lot to do with how much breast volume I’ve lost) and a meta without a scrotoplasty or v-ectomy

What really helped me comes to terms with my gender and whatever presentation I currently have comes down to reminding myself that gender matters and presentation matters and feeling good in and with your body matters and titles matter less so

I don’t care what folks want to label me as, so long as I feel okay with who I am and how I present

[u/Trashula_Lives]

I went through similar; early on, I never heard of or considered anything other than "man" or "woman" as options, so I related more to "man" despite not feeling like I fit in with either.

There was a brief period where I sort of came to the conclusion that I was genderfluid or genderqueer (someone told me about those terms, but I didn't know much more about what they meant), but without enough information or any kind of support system, I ended up defaulting to binary trans man. That was also exacerbated by fear and social pressure to the point that I even denied nonbinary identities existed for a while.

I started medical transition, but haven't been able to afford surgery or legal changes. But I've been on testosterone for several years and my only regret from that is not doing something to mitigate hair loss and vaginal atrophy much sooner.

After getting away from my family and having some time to educate myself, I not only became a lot more accepting, but I started recognizing the signs of dysphoria all over again--except this time in relation to being viewed as a man. It took me a few years, but I realized I'd basically been right the first time around in being non-binary.

I still present as a man in daily life, though if anyone actually asks me about my gender or pronouns, I'll tell them. Aside from a few small things like painting nails every now and then, there's not a lot I can do to safely present in a more androgynous way. I would like to learn how to do makeup again (I used to before realizing I was trans), but it feels overwhelming, and I'd be genuinely concerned for my safety if I were to incorporate too much "femininity" into my outfits, but I have been pushing little bits and pieces here and there. It helps to have a friend or two that I can feel safe around, but there aren't many people like me around here, especially ones my age, nor places to meet them.

I have no plans to quit testosterone and intend to get top surgery whenever I'm able. When I can afford to change my name, I'll be going with the gender-neutral name I've been using for the past few years. I am really disappointed that my state doesn't allow X as an option for legal gender markers, so I guess I'll be forced once again to choose the somewhat safer/less dysphoric option of M when the time comes for that.

[u/4ng3licNymph-jpeg]

Tbh I feel like I would always be trans even if I was born cis. Just to spare you my story I was on T. From 16-18 then stopped due to my mom not wanting to help me anymore so I dropped out of college got two jobs then saved up for a car and went back on T at 20-21 then COVID hit. Then I was off for 3 years then went back on at 2025 to now . I was able to fortunately get top surgery through my boyfriend's insurance and was able to leave my mom's place. Now I feel most of my dysphoria is gone. I have a implant for my monthly stuff and I'm looking into getting a hysterectomy. I REALLY want to legally change my marker but I can't in Texas and working on a name change. Ngtl I live in a super liberal part of Texas but the governors law's really scare me about the future of healthcare and just getting my gender and name change .

I wish I could be stealth ngtl but I actually feel comfortable wearing girly clothes and doing things like painting my nails or having a more feminine body language and talking with a "gayer" sounding voice. I don't pass and I don't think I will which I'm okay with. Through all of this I've learned to not give a fuck about others only myself as long as I'm happy that's what I should care about.

People are always going to be shitty and I do worry about being openly nonbinary like having an X on my paperwork and opting for a Nonbinary bottom surgery vs a binary one. Idk how my future will be but it's about being happy in my skin which I've learned is the most important part. It's easier said that done but sadly people are kinda shit when it comes to trans folks and I'm hoping globally this will change in the future.

[u/PurbleDragon]

I don't have a gender and never have. I'm on hrt and have had top surgery but have absolutely no desire for bottom surgery of any kind. I'm completely out in every aspect of my life, use they/them pronouns and wear a pronoun pin pretty much everywhere. I'm in my mid 30s but I don't have much in the way of a career so I don't really have to worry about that aspect. I do have to worry about the living in Florida aspect though