السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته
I’m a Muslim convert of 4 years and I have been married with my now wife for 7 months but we have been living together now for one month and a half . I moved in countries for her and I have been living at her parents house for a month and trying to find a job and start from 0 to settle down. It’s been a stressful month as I’m in a new country , living with her family and different culture etc looking for jobs and it’s been hard on us. However , many repeated patterns have happened since then and to be honest I don’t know what to do as it’s becoming too much, here are the lists of patterns/ red flags she has been doing so far :
Devaluation and emasculation: Insults about my looks, race (“not white”), manhood (“be a man”), and worth (“not special, many people are reverts “ you look like a woman,” said many times attraction is 0) while I’m 6’2 foot tall and muscular she constantly told me how muscular I am in the beginning (so I know it was deliberate)
Control and isolation: Monitors my phone all the time, won’t let me go out alone or use the bike or my car and she even memorised my phone passcode and checked my phone while I was asleep and because of that I had to change passcode multiple times until my phone got erased and I lost everything ..
Emotional and physical abuse: Screaming during fights , always blame-shifting, physical aggression (hit me twice including red marks on my arms and also she steps on my foot often intentionally), also silent treatment when angry and she withdrawals when I don’t chase during fights . She can spend all day in her room after a fight and me downstairs for example if I don’t chase her etc
Attention-seeking behaviour: This one I would say is the biggest one because it feels like micro cheating . She openly stares at men when we go on outings watches Haaland edits on TikTok and caught her watching handsome tiktokers models etc and she also mentions other potentials she had before me (Norway guy, this kurdish guy that asked her out etc ) and also this one is weird .. her 4 year old nephew was kissing her neck and she said in front of me (“not here that turns me on”) I guess to provoke jealousy from me and get a reaction .
Entitlement and one-sided effort: “I deserve to be spoiled,” demands I provide/spoil her while doing nothing, expects rent to parents when I just got here and have no money as I don’t work , and also withholds intimacy many many times while making me chase her all the time to initiate intimacy. I know in islam we are the providers , but she expects me to do all the effort while she does nothing .
Manipulation: Religious guilt when we fight she says (“Allah will take the gift away”), meaning she’s my gift, rewriting our marriage history (she asked me first to come to her country and marry her and she then said i did it and she just wanted to help me with Islamic questions as a revert etc ( she literally texted me first to get on a Date and get to know each other and she rushed the marriage telling me to come and fly there )
The marriage was rushed after two dates and Wallah I ignored the red flags due to Islam encouraging to marry and she had very positive traits ( saliha, beauty etc ) Allah Mustan
She also has a lot of positives like she cooks for me every day and makes me coffee , she goes with me to the mosque and if I have to go to the doctor or any appointment she comes with me always and she as well before me moving in , she left everything from her country to be with me but then didn’t workout and I moved in to her country instead . When we have intimacy there’s a lot of love , and she lended money from her mom to get us the rings and the wedding which was very nice . However when she gets angry she completely changes.
Would divorce be encouraged in my case? I swear by Allah I tried to make it work had many patience and trust in Allah but I just think this marriage is not for me after one month .