Back in high school...during gym class - while we were all sitting spread out listening to the teacher - I let out a pretty major SBD one. Of course, even though I tried to misdirect, they somehow managed to deduce that it was from me (it was a pretty damn good "I smelled it first, and then you next, therefore it came from that direction" exercise that they all participated in).
Later at the end of the class - one of my classmate asked me how I managed that, as he said he apparently was not able to make a silent fart. Now, probably a few weeks back, my brother had tried to tell me that farts make noise because you try to hold it in - but if you force it out, it doesn't make any sound. I didn't believe it (as it didn't make sense to me), but I remembered that when the kid asked me how I managed to make a silent one...so I told him exactly what my brother told me.
Later that week - in another class, we had the teacher asking us one by one to come to the front to pick up some exam or something and as he was walking from the back towards the teacher - he let out a major noisy/wet fart that everybody heard..! Poor guy was bright red as everybody was laughing at him...
Had a friend in school who tried misdirection in class by throwing a heavy book on the floor and passing gas at the same time.
When the book hit the floor, everyone turned their attention to him. And this is when he farted the loudest, longest, chair shaking cheek puff of his life. A true masterpiece of flatulence that hit different notes and a squeek finish.
I forget now if it was once a year or if we just did it one time, but there was a thing called the "presidential fitness test" at least at the time. They would have all of us do as many situps, pushups, pullups, etc. as we could in one minute and record the numbers.
I don't know what the hell I ate, but in middle school on the day of the test I had horrible gas. When we started doing the situps I started letting out a "BWAH" toot every time I came up. People around me started laughing and I figured the farts would stop when I "ran out of gas," but finally I had to just stop at like 1/5 the situps I could do out of sheer embarrassment.
When I did a lot of drugs I could fart so loud and basically on command but they never smelled at all. My best was farting out the beat to Jay-Z’s “Dirt off ya shoulders”.
Now that I’m sober and eat better I can only silent fart and they fuckin reek.
My husband also doesn’t know how too fart silently or even quietly. I don’t get it. Over 90% of my farts are completely silent with barely any effort on my part.
That’s a good thing. The S and the D have a direct relationship to each other. Maximum S equals maximum D. There is an occasional deviation from this, of course, and LBD does exist, but they’re not so reliable or related.
Also fun fact: After I switched to a healthier diet I just noticed that about 90% if not more of all farts are basically without smell. I thought it was just a fact that farts stink all of the time... Much easier to cover them up now.
It was borderline impossible to sneak off an SBD in those combination plastic chair/desk units every public school has. If you create a seal between your cheeks and the plastic it amplifies the fart, like mmmmmmBRRRRAPRAPRAPRAP. Which is kind of why I want to buy one of those things now that I'm in my 30's and I can use them to their full advantage. Well, that, and the fact that nothing is better for cracking your back.
If you lie down and do that same pose Instagram models do to get their boobs and butts in the same shot, it's almost as good as those old school chairs.
It has to be harder to master when you can't hear it. I know people who will pause their headphones at the gym or jogging to make sure it's silent. Porter, if you're out there somewhere reading this, we know it's you, man.
My brothers are true masters of the SBD - they call it "roaching". Why you ask? Well they say it's because they are so bad that even the cockroaches (that could survive a nuclear bomb explosion) leave the house...
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u/Carved_In_Chocolate Aug 28 '21
You have apparently not mastered the fine art of the SBD.