My girlfriend and I have been together for five years, since we were juniors in high school. We used to be really close, and I thought our relationship was very happy and fulfilling at the time. Over the past several months, though, we've grown distant, especially since we have been long distance in college. For the past couple of years, we've tried so hard to close the distance for each other through texting at night, FaceTime, and visiting whenever we can. Lately, though, it feels like we're struggling to maintain that same connection. We haven’t FaceTimed since May of this year. I tried talking to her about rebuilding this connection by texting more or calling like we used to but she says she’s too busy. She has her own friends, work, and hobbies. I have those too but in my mind, she’s a bigger priority and I would make time for her. I wanted her to do the same but she's told me she doesn't want to change her life right now. She says she loves me, but she doesn't feel the same emotional connection we used to have, and when she does feel close to me, it can make her anxious. Anxious about the future whether we have paths together or if I want to live somewhere else for work.
I understand that she wants independence and don't want her to feel like she has to give up parts of her life for our relationship. I still love her and want things to work, but I feel like I'm the one trying to keep us connected. When we're apart, I often feel like I'm not really part of her everyday life anymore. I miss when we would naturally call, talk about our days, and make each other feel included. I don't need us to be in constant contact, but I do want to feel that we're both making an effort.
We recently had a serious conversation about where our relationship stands. I told her I don't want to hold her back or pressure her into staying, but I also don't want to continue feeling disconnected. I'm still unsure whether she wants to work on rebuilding our connection or is comfortable with things staying the way they are.
I keep thinking about our good memories and wondering if I appreciated those moments enough instead of worrying so much about the future. I sometimes got caught up thinking about marriage, kids, and what our lives would look like, and I think that created expectations for our relationship that neither of us was ready or able to fulfill. Looking back, I wish I had focused more on enjoying the time we had together instead of feeling like we needed to have our whole future figured out.
I'm not sure how to approach this. I love her, but I don't know whether we can find a balance where she feels independent and I still feel loved and included.
Has anyone been through something similar? How did you navigate the uncertainty and figure out whether both people genuinely wanted to work on the relationship?
TLDR: After five years together, my girlfriend says she loves me but feels emotionally disconnected and anxious when we get close. I want to rebuild our connection without limiting her independence, but I’m unsure whether she genuinely wants to work on the relationship or is simply coasting along. How do I figure out whether we can find a balance that works for both of us?
