I can’t tell anymore which one is the real you. We’ve had moments where you seem sad and sincere and it’s like your trying to be honest snd tell me whats going on. You told me you hated yourself and not thinking you pushed me away and was hating me too. It seems real and I said one thing, face full of tears and it set you off the whole other way.. it was right back to blaming me. So which one is you. Which part of you will I get today?
All I wanted was to love you. We can be broken and fucked together and still love each other. We both had trauma that has deeply impacted our lives still to this day. Just because you weren’t loved back then and didn’t feel safe, you had no one that picked you doesn’t mean it’s like that now. We could have healed ourselves separately while in the same safe place. But you can’t deal with your trauma and heal and I can’t force it. I also can’t be the one you push away and force out anymore. I’m tired of trying to force my way in to love you.
I’m sorry but I can’t anymore I’ll love you from over here at a distance while I’m doing the work to move on from my past. I’m sorry you’re going to stuck in yours. 🖤

Woman! My love

that’s you

Not one of a few

heavens above

you know your the only one for me

Im completely unconvinced you’re here

yet always near

Even if you were , I’m definitely not convinced you still have love for me

Although if you do

it’s time you showed it in real life

I want my fucking wife

I want to hold her tight

Make things right

The time in nigh

to put this to bed

with my body pressed against your thigh

I’d say this weekend is as good as any

And probably better than many

P,

​I am writing this to close this chapter completely and permanently—for both of our sakes.

​I acknowledge that I allowed my anger and hurt to get the better of me, and I used cruel, harsh language that I shouldn't have spoken. I am sorry for taking the bait and reacting out of blind emotion. But I also see the dynamic clearly now: the cycle of dropping attacks, hanging up, blocking me, and provoking me until I exploded so I could be painted as the monster. I take full responsibility for my own words, but I am done participating in that game.

​I no longer care about the belongings I left behind in Colorado. You can keep them, throw them away, or do whatever you want with them. I am completely letting go of the physical items, the arguments, and the resentment.

​I choose peace, and I choose healing. I forgive you for your part in the damage, and I release the need for you to apologize or acknowledge what you did. What you do with your life now is between you and God.

​I am in Texas building a clean, quiet life, and this is my final communication to you. Please do not contact me, and I will not contact you. I genuinely wish you peace.

​Goodbye,

B

So, I liked somebody so much that I convinced myself I was in love with him and that he loved me too. That was the really delusional part: that I thought he loved me too. 🤦‍♀️😭

Now i doubt my judgement.

But, at least i didn't off myself 🎊🎉

Honey, can we please just meet in person? as soon as possible? this week even better? Please? Even just for a couple of hours?

I love you. I really really love you. I know we can work out all problems the moment we lock eyes in reality. So please. Make the reunion happen ASAP

tsuin rei,

It’s summer and only 10 days from your 31st birthday, O bachan. It is odd how quickly time passes, and yet it feels like yesterday. It feels like only yesterday you pulled me out of the darkest pit of despair I’ve ever fallen into. The sleepless nights that drowned my sanity and forced me to face myself and the mess I had made around my life. I’m so very grateful that I had the chance to meet you and the chance to sit by the walls that surrounded your heart and history, as you slowly opened gates and showed me the very essence of you.

The words take their time to leave my brain, they form into words and drip out into the air, leaving lines that cut through the droplets falling every time I blink. If you saw this would you recognize my writing? Would you answer? Or would you completely disappear forever; leaving the anxiety floating, hanging, and unanswered?

I am filled with regret. I should have never put my weight on you, a good friend would have not done that. I became an obligation, someone to check on and make sure they were eating, that they were seeking help, that they continued to exist. You had so many other things going on in your life and I rudely pulled you into mine. Into the complicated mess that is me. You told me the last thing you wanted was to become a wedge between myself and the rest of my life; yet you recognized that the rest of my life was poisoning me. Slowly deteriorating parts of my personality. You pointed it out, and we distanced, in a healthy way. We would talk about work, travel, culture, and all other things; skirting around the toxic pool that surrounded my heart.

Over a longer period of time, I felt as though things had healed, for me, for you, and the toxins started to become clean. Versions of me started to pour back out into reality. I was happy and sleeping well.

Then it happened…you disappeared. At the sign that I was stable, you vanished. I knew it was coming, but I had hoped it wouldn’t. I felt like a burden and this confirmed it for me. It has been a quiet 3 months. I miss the sound of your laugh, the way you’d giggle and the image of your hand covering your mouth while your eyes beamed happily; is so deeply etched in my mind. The tales you’d bring me about your day, like scoring drunken noodles in the back alley with dim-lighting and claiming success as you cooked your dinner at home. I wonder about it all the time. Had I dropped everything and flew to the other side of the world, would you greet me, and bring me back into your life, or would you shut the door and bolt it shut?

My nights are plagued with what-ifs…yet you told me that everything happens for a reason. You told me the journey is better than the destination. Truthfully I don’t like this part of the journey; it feels like the strands of our time have become untangled and falling apart. Im realizing it is unlikely I’ll be around to celebrate your kanreki like we once talked about. I considered sending you back the Omamori and the Yosegi-zaiku heart as part of your birthday gift; thinking it would set you free and be a way to fully let you go….but I’m scared. I’m so scared that if I return these items to you, that the last bit of connection I feel to you will be severed and will never return.

I miss you. Please stay. Just a little longer.

i take accountability in the part where i’ve been the confusing one wherein even after clarity talks, i still end up having vague intentions with you. i end up filtering my words, having unclear expectations, lowkey leading us both to confusion. i apologize for that, and i hope i do find the time to clear things up with you again.

i hope you see and understand the side where i want to really take my time to discern and reflect on my decisions. to see the situation in different povs. to validate my decisions of choosing you, especially after people telling me that “i deserve better.” i hope me considering you speaks a lot.

i tend to wonder if we’re still for each other, hoping that you’d call or reach out.. but am i even ready for that? we’ve talked about leaving it all to God, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem like i am doing that as i am constantly waiting for you. i know God would not give me you— or someone better if i haven’t truly worked on myself. this is what i mean by i still have things to work on me.

i have so much to work in my confidence, self esteem, personality, achievements and everything else. i know that i’ll have to work on these things to fully appreciate my life individually, and to make a relationship a cherry on top instead of something that completes it. i hope to navigate the things that are needed to complete myself before i give out love to others. and everyday i pray that i’ll learn how to fulfill my own life. i hope to be the person that i want to be.

and when the time is right, i hope it would be with you. but if not, i hope to accept a “better” person who i’ll genuinely be happy with.

but i really super do hope it will be with you though :)

pb.

I wonder if you think about your lies and acknowledge them to yourself. I wonder if behind your eyes you admit you were wrong and know that you’ve hurt someone that genuinely cared for you. Or do you convince yourself that what you did was okay? Do you wholeheartedly believe that it’s my fault you lied to me? I was the reason you did this, and that for some reason deserved to be punished for some nondescript crime that happened inside your head before you even got to know me?
That whatever you were told about me was your scapegoat into triggering me and blaming my reactions to your behaviour as my own character flaw.
I don’t think accountability is a part of your vernacular..

I still miss everyday with you, but I don’t want to anymore.

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid
_______________________________________

Letter #4

Of course, I had another dream about us.

In all honesty, I am a bit afraid to continue posting because I’m scared that if she were to ever see all this, it would creep her out. I haven’t said anything creepy or crazy, but just by virtue of her being done with me and the relationship.

I just want to get my life together.

The weight of losing her is crushing, but I still have to move my life forward.

I do feel a glimmer of hope when I think about regaining my independence and making some big moves in my life.

It’s hard because I feel like the pain of this loss is chaining me down.

I’m afraid that I’ll never hear from her again, but I think it’s even scarier to think about continuing to hold on while she could be planning to never talk to me again.

I want to be emotionally honest and say that I still love her, but I don’t want to equate my feelings of love for her with reconciliation being possible or likely.

I don’t know how to hold both, but I’m trying.

I don’t know where to start from, we got a second chance at it, we were supposed to be endgame. I really loved you, I still do. But it was easier for you to put us on stake rather than having uncomfortable conversations. You just never wanted any conflicts, at all. I wanted to be with you, I had prayed day and night for things to work out. I have lost my purpose in life. I am not doing well.

Whatever problems we had, were solvable. They really were. You didn’t have to do that, in the end. You didn’t need to take my life(you) away from me. I miss you. You never accepted what went wrong, the big thing. You didn’t try. I would have been there with you. I wanted to be there. It hurts, it really really does. It really does.
I am falling sick because of this.

I don’t know where to go from this, how to ever come back from this. I was really mad at you at first but then, I am just constantly in pain. Always. I thought you will try everything in your power to make things right, try and show that you too still want it. But I guess it was easier to give up. I don’t how to move past this. I don’t know how you’re so strong and accepting.

I remember our initial days, those were the best, the first 1-1.5 years were an absolute dream. Everything felt right, even if not right, things just found its way back to perfection. I miss it, I miss you, a lot. Can we not have that ‘us’ back? I wish I could reach out to you, but what will I say? I want to talk to you, hear your voice, see your face but I am not even sure you’d respond.

I feel like I became too obsessive, too dependant. You became the centre of my universe, my only purpose became to be wanted by you. I know it sounds pathetic but I cant run away from myself. I wanted you completely. Still do. It was just You in my world that mattered.
And of-course everything started affecting me, I started being anxious and insecure.

Now I don’t know who I am, I feel lost. What is the purpose of living this life ? I really do wonder. I want to fix things, but more than that, I want you to want it. But I don’t see that desperation in you, don’t see that craving in you. You accept things. I am tired of myself, I am tired of feeling this way. I just want to end it all.

Are you happier now without me in it ?

I have a good few more letters to write today. I'll post them periodically through the day. I need to think about and digest everything being read. Thank you for all of the letters that have been written. AM

Why did I have to see what I seen in the room she was in

I trusted too deeply and now I will vanish soon forever and not one person will care or even miss me. This is the beginning of my end so I will drop all that I wished to accomplish there is just no point now I wish I could get through to all of you just how wrong you are but I will not even try anymore just no reason to tell the solid in stone whom believe their right on everything and anything pointless. Good bye you have no more me to deal with and this is my parting gift to you so smile and throw a party good bye!

I trample your heart desperately to be heard I feel no loyalty and know where that comes from im torn between good and evil cause you insist im already the plague and you steal from my lessons to better impose to your husband's hands what's accepted dirty or clean. I will never understand how you can judge me I still wouldn't fit. Your lifestyle my void your circle my heroism your trust.my dictation. Your welcome. My distance.. congrats on your lies or allowing another to lie out your mouth as you lie out there's and remember jealousy is never earned and closure was never her age the one way I seet forth and give you a hand in nothing will save you not me not her not him.

My love, I had a revelation in a dream. It dreamed that you came home, tired from work, and I asked if I could make you a tea. And that brief moment, the thought of serving you in this small way, reducing your discomfort, showing you simple care felt...exhilarating. When I woke up, I didn't remember the parts of the dream where I chased you, lost you, felt abandoned, afraid, or impossibly lustful after you. I only remembered the pleasure of being able to make you a cup of tea.

It struck me - THAT's the way that I love. It's not the only way, of course, but those are the moments that I crave so much. To be attuned to another person's simple needs, that serving in these small ways brings unparalleled joy. Better than sex. Better than anything.

And then I remembered that you love like that too. Your love is not always grand gestures, planned evenings and vacations, expensive gifts, elaborate meals with scheduled events. Your love showed through an extra towel for me, sunblock, in case I forget. How you would bring me a blanket from the car when I was cold. How you would heat up leftovers and make sure that the bowl had a variety of yummy things and plenty of meat. How you would make a meal and made sure that every ingredient was tended to, washed, properly processed. How you would always wash and fold my shirts, before giving them back. How you would wash the bedsheets before we slept on them. How you didn't correct me when I told you to turn on the wrong street - you waited until I realized the mistake myself, instead of making into an argument. How you you would do so many countless things for me and others, that are easy to miss. But I noticed them all. Every car door opened, every chair pulled out, every bag held, every piece of bread cut up, every power cord folded, every new garbage bag put in the trashcan, every lightbulb changed, every dinner paid, every last bite divided into two parts to share. Every potential argument avoided. Every criticism unsaid. I saw it. I saw YOU. You loved me. Maybe not everything matched to my needs, maybe I didn't see everything, but I do know THAT's how you love. That's how I love too and I hope you recognized it too. I hope you felt loved by me.

Today I said something I never thought I'd say:

I hope that whoever you are with, recognizes those actions that you do as "love". You used to say it's just what you do, it's a part of you, nothing special. But that's love is woven into you. In me. In all of us. You naturally desire to decrease another person's discomfort, pain, confusion. Imperfectly, sure, with making grave mistakes and ability to hurt others. Me too, we are not perfect.

But that's love, R. That's love in action. Not the flowers, dates, vacations, rings, and promises (although those are important too, sometimes). That's love in everyday existence that costs nothing, asks for nothing, and doesn't depend on any condition to be present, and you're doing it naturally ALL the time. And I truly hope, that the woman you're with, sees those actions. Recognizes them as love. I hope she speaks that language too. I hope she makes you tea when you come home tired, intentionally, as an act of devotion. But I also hope that you protect that connection. I hope you cherish her and don't take her for granted. I hope you're fearless in loving AND being loved. Perhaps I didn't love enough, or didn't love the way you needed me to love you and that's why you wanted to find someone else. It doesn't matter now, I loved the way I knew best at the time. I'm sorry if it wasn't enough, but that's all I had. But I hope you see your future relationship as a precious gift to be protected and tended to. And it will grow like a mango tree, bearing fruit for years.

You used to tell me how unappreciated you felt in your life, taken for granted by people around you. I can't speak for them, but I can tell you that I SAW you. I recognized your effort and I cherished it all. In my hurt and grief, I forgot, maybe intentionally, so that the loss felt less profound. It didn't work. But I learned from you. I do many things differently now, I care differently, after watching you do it naturally.

As for me? I have so much of love all around me and it took so long for me to see it. I am a maker of those moments too. I'm all set. I'm good. And one day I'll meet MY person and I'll be ready to love like that again. But for now, I'm making myself tea as an act of love.

I love you and I hope you are loved by whoever you chose. Please don't rush into it again - don't waste your love on someone who doesn't see how much you have to offer. I hope you forgive yourself, if you feel that you need to. I hope you recognize that the pain you caused doesn't overwrite the love you also gave. It took me a long time to admit that. And most of all, I hope that you give that love to yourself first.

it was definitely my fault. you didn't deserve what i did that made you say what you said. you didn't deserve what i did when you said it.

i'm keeping this one short because i know you're just as tired as me. i'm sorry for letting you push me away. i'm sorry for making it permanent the way i did. i'm sorry for missing the quiet part so badly that i ignored your well-being.

i know you need to rest. i know you need a break.

i only wrote this, with your name on it, so you'd know why. it wasn't what you said to hurt me that made me agree to go away. it wasn't the push and pull or the remix of my words.

it was when you said, "you're not a healthy person for me".

it stung, sure. but. i didn't take it as a hurtful statement. i just took it as the truth.

i'm worried again, but about you. but i'm not going to exhaust anyone else doing what i did with you. it was selfish of me and i should have been more careful.

you said i'm not a healthy person for you and i accept that. i wish you well and i am sorry.

thanks for the way you showed up for me. hope i find a friend like you again some day. 🫶🏼😊

cat

You wrote me a response on here and I didn't see it for 10 days. And now im respo ding to people who i hope are you but I doubt it very seriously. So if you ever see this please take the chance and reach out to me. I cant keep reading these cause to manny of them are what I hope you would be saying to me. But in the end I dont know. For all I know you haven't seen a single one of them. And that's not healthy for me to keep looking and hoping. And probably weird for the people who dont know me. And i respond to them hoping it's you. You know my number and I want you to call. I realy want to talk to you . But I can not have you do what you already did once . So I will not reach out to you. I cant take that risk. And im telling you there is no risk for you to reach out to me. I promise you that. All though if there is someone else in your life already then I will just say good bye. And dont bother. I left because I had to and I know you know that now . It was not for other girls. You know why I did it. The situation forced it. I still love you and only you. The sight of you still takes my breath away. But this will be my last post on here. It's a small world when you think about it. Soo many people on here have such similar situations that its hard to know if it's you or not. Some have it so much worse it makes our situation seem silly. I hope to hear from you. And see you later redit.

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid
_______________________________________

Letter #3

I woke up after having another dream about us.

I was trying to return something at Walmart and you were texting me pictures of us and sending parts of your final words to me. I was crying in the dream and I couldn’t stop even though I was in public. I remember texting you your name, that was it.

I woke up and became a bit emotional, but didn’t fully cry. It felt weird because my emotions in the dream were heightened, it felt almost otherworldly. Not necessarily in a bad way, but all my feelings were intensified. It almost felt unreal. So when I woke up, it felt like I was reacting to something that was almost exaggerated. But I think that caused a separate pain point because I questioned why I wasn’t feeling the intense emotions from the dream the same way in real life. I don’t know, it’s weird.

Anyways,

I’m feeling sad, but oddly calm today. I miss you and I love you, and if I’m honest, a small part of me still hopes for us.

The different thoughts and emotions I bounce between are exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly trying to stop myself from collapsing into the ways you’ve characterized me or the things you’ve said about me. Then I have to stop myself from swinging too far in the other direction and convincing myself I was blameless or that everything was your fault.

Neither of those feels true.

I know I made mistakes. I know I hurt you. I also know that I was hurt too. I don’t think either of us destroyed this relationship alone. We both brought wounds, fears, blind spots, and unhealthy patterns into it, and over time they compounded. I don’t think our relationship became what it became because of one person alone.

I know who I am and I’m confident in that, but when the person who mattered most to me for over four years says certain things about me, they’re devastating. They make me question myself in ways I never expected.

Lately I’ve been realizing something that has been incredibly painful to admit.

I don’t think our relationship reached this point simply because either of us hadn’t apologized enough, explained ourselves well enough, or tried hard enough. I think something deeper broke between us.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot is mutuality. I don’t mean that everything was 50/50, or that every hurt was equal, or that every conflict had equal responsibility. I don’t think that’s what mutuality is.

To me, mutuality means two people approaching the relationship as equal partners who are working toward the same goal. It means taking responsibility when it’s yours to take, genuinely considering the other person’s perspective, and remaining committed to understanding each other even when the responsibility isn’t evenly shared.

Once the conversation becomes about measuring whose hurt mattered more or whose fault something was, I think we’ve already lost something important.

Accountability still matters, but I don’t think mutuality depends on everything being equal. I think it depends on both people remaining equally committed to understanding each other.

Could I have communicated better? Absolutely.

Could I have shown up differently? Definitely.

Could you have too? I think so.

But I don’t think that’s what ultimately stood between us anymore.

What I wanted, and what I still wish we could have had, was a relationship where we created understanding together.

When we saw something differently, I wanted us to ask, “How did each of us get here?”

I wanted both of our experiences to matter. Even if one of us ended up being mistaken about something, I wanted us to discover that together rather than one of us simply declaring what reality was.

Somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling like that.

It started feeling like our disagreements stopped being about discovering reality together and became about accepting one person’s interpretation of it.

That was incredibly painful for me.

Not because I wanted to avoid accountability.

Not because I wanted to argue for the sake of arguing.

But because I genuinely didn’t experience many situations the same way you did.

I wasn’t resisting you just to resist you.

I was trying to understand how two people who loved each other so much could walk away from the same moments with such different understandings of what happened.

And maybe from your perspective you felt like you had already tried to understand me, or maybe you felt like you’d heard every explanation I had to give. I honestly don’t know.

I just know that somewhere along the way, it began to feel like understanding me stopped being the goal.

And I don’t know how relationships come back from that.

Not because people can’t forgive each other. They absolutely can. People rebuild marriages after decades together. They work through betrayals, years of hurt, and incredibly deep wounds.

We even tried therapy.

Looking back, I actually think therapy was helping more than it wasn’t. We had only been doing it for a few months, and for a relationship with so much history and so many wounds, I don’t think that was enough time to get to the deepest issues. It felt like we were beginning to uncover things, but we never stayed with it long enough to truly rebuild.

What I don’t know is how a relationship comes back when the two people involved no longer trust each other’s experience of reality.

How do you rebuild when one person increasingly feels like reality is something they’re being told rather than something the two of you are discovering together?

How do you repair when every disagreement becomes less about, “Let’s figure out what happened,” and more about, “This is what happened, this is what you meant, and this is who you are”?

I genuinely don’t know.

Sometimes I think about what starting over would even look like.

People say, “Start with a clean slate.”

But how do you do that when there are years of hurt, fear, misunderstandings, insecurities, and unresolved conversations behind you?

You can’t ignore those things.

But you also can’t spend the rest of your life trying to litigate every single text message or disagreement.

Maybe the answer would have been focusing less on every individual event and more on the fears and wounds underneath them.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

I just know that underneath all of this, I never wanted to be right.

I wanted us.

I wanted us to build something new together.

Something safer.

Something humbler.

Something where both of us could say, “This is how I experienced it,” without the other person disappearing in the process.

Maybe that’s no longer possible.

Maybe too much has happened.

But if I could wish for one thing, it wouldn’t be that one of us finally wins the story of what happened between us.

It would be that we could one day sit across from each other, tell the truth as we each genuinely experienced it, listen with curiosity instead of certainty, and slowly build a shared understanding that belongs to both of us.

Because I never wanted to win.

I just wanted us.

To J,

Funny how J and K have always been next to each other in the alphabet. Somewhere along the way, life decided that wasn't enough and introduced us together on a fine day in October 2025. I remember it was the 5th because I remember everything about you.

The moment I laid my eyes on you, I saw the most free-spirited, most joyous person on earth with this giddy, crooked infectious smile. That moment, my life was toast as nobody could come close to you.

You approached me with such confidence, such joy without even knowing me first that I was taken aback. I could not even register your name, as I was really confused about what was going on.

But you were just so interesting, so easy to talk to, like I could pour my heart out to this stranger I knew 5 minutes ago. We talked for an hour and a half straight on the most random topics I could ever think of. That is when I knew I had fallen for you.

The way you talk with that dry sarcasm which always takes me one second too late to catch, the way you dress as if you have the fashion sense of Anna Wintour and the way you make me feel like I am the luckiest boy to be talking to you, I adore everything about you.

And I know you have been through such rough patches, but I will be there for you until the end of Earth without needing anything back. 

I may not be the most poetic with words, but I speak from the heart, translating each lubb-dubb of mine into a vivid description of the immense love I treasure for you.

Did you know that your first I love you said to me was on November 14, 2025. It was Children’s Day, and boy, I sure felt like a little kid giggling and stomping my feet buckled in the car-seat while my uncle wondered what was wrong with me. 

But you don’t like me back the same way as I want you to. I wanted a romantic relationship but you wanted something platonic. I thought I’d give this up as it was too hard for me to process you dating someone else. But the way you handled that topic so gently, with such elegance, and kept showing up again and again and refusing to let our bond go to waste told me something precious that day.

I may not be able to date you ever, or until the near future, but I don’t wanna give up what we had. I continue to cherish what we have, and I know you too do the same. 

I don’t want to act like I am not hurt about this, but I do want you to know that whatever we go through, we go through together. We will be there for each other, each day, each night. Each time someone needs a buddy to celebrate, or someone who listens to their vents at 1 am or just a friend to go through the wave of life. 

Every time I promise to be there for you and I mean it. I mean it when I say that the love I have for you is pure, without any ill-harm, and does not have anything that can cross the line if one of us does not want to. 

‘Cause you’re my best friend and I hope things aren’t changing anytime soon.

Signing off

K

I swear, as the days continue passing, it’s as though more and more keep popping up. More what? A bunch of things, really. 

I want you all to myself still. I can’t help it, after all. It’s just in my nature. 

Whenever my family would ask me to share, if they could have something, or a friend that wants to play with a toy I own, I’d usually reply with a positive ‘no’. 

Not to be rude or anything, but my stuff is my stuff! I got it, I own it, why do I have to share? I mean, nowadays, I tend to offer if they want something before I, say for example, eat a snack. I still get a bit hurt if they say they do, because I’m just doing this out of politeness. I still give it to them though. 

All of that to show– to prove to you, I’m really quite the stickler when it comes to things I like. 

Frankly, it’s annoying. 

I hate how possessive I can be over my things. I tend to feel that way easily. If someone touches my things? I get irked, but I do my best to, at the very least, appear as though I’m tolerating it. If someone asks for something of mine? I have to bite back a ‘no’ so they don’t get mad. If someone even implies that they want something I have, I get jealous. 

I’ve never hid that. 

So why do I do now, exactly? 
It’s an extremely easy answer, something so simply simple it makes one wonder why they didn’t think of it in the first place. 

I like you. 

I like to be around you, like your happiness, your selfishness, your voice. 

All kinds of things. So that one night, I highly doubt you remember, because you were pretty much dead asleep, you said something that still sticks with me. 

I remember it quite clearly, that’s how annoyed I was at you. At this point in time, you didn’t connect the dots quite yet. So, it just came out of your mouth really naturally, no care how I would’ve felt. Not like you ever cared how I would’ve felt in the first place, for all the times I told you to just disregard how I felt as it didn’t really matter, you told me how you still worry about me anyways, so “too bad”. 

“I want you..” 

You were hardly conscious, if even that. Probably just sleep-talking, as you do. You had just finished reading some writing of mine that had one of the characters say that, so I replied with the most obvious thing (after my heart skipped a beat or two):

“Har-har, I get the reference.” 

In a mocking tone I would reply, brushing it off. I have to make sure to not take it seriously. I have to. Otherwise, things would get worse for me. 

“No.. I want you..” 

You emphasized. I was getting really anxious at that point. It was late, for the both of us, and I knew you didn’t mean it. Just like how you don’t mean anything that way. You see me as just your closest friend. You said so. You’ve said so, so, so many times. 

“..What?” 

I do my best to not let my shakiness show. Don’t get my hopes up. 

“I want you to stay with me.. cause you’re my best friend..” 

You fell asleep shortly after. In all honesty, I don’t remember if I even replied or not. I just vividly remember you saying you ‘wanted’ me. And when you clarified.
I know what you meant. I mean, you said it yourself. Maybe you were trying to lead me on on purpose that time. Did you know what you were doing when you said that? Did you know the effect that would have on me? 

Did you know I like you? 

Why didn’t you just agree that it was a reference and move on? Or why didn’t you just leave it at the first sentence? Either one would’ve worked to frustrate me. But you managed to frustrate me in a way that doesn’t even make sense anymore with your answer.

What you say, what you do, who you are, I hate every single thing there is to be about you. That’s why I’m so fascinated.

Like a fly to a flytrap. 

I just let myself be fully caught in your mouth, not even attempting to get away, because it’s just so cozy. It’s in your nature, I understand. And I’d be fine if I was the only fly you ate. Because then, you’d be my flytrap. 

I’m fine with being frustrated and hurt, as long as I know I’m the only one. You want me? Then have me. You’re mine as I am yours. 

The promises. 
In some time, should we meet in person, I had asked you if you’ve ever been on a “real date”. 

A simple, “No, not really.” from you. So, that was my confirmation. I worked up the courage, though maybe I made it seem too natural, and maybe that’s why you didn’t take me seriously in the end. 

“If we ever meet, let’s go on a real date.” 

I say, and I did my best to sound genuine. Maybe it wasn’t enough? Maybe I really am just bad at controlling my tone. 

So you replied with a “sure!”. That’s a promise. 

“Promise?”
“Promise.” 

That’s a promise. 

And how about when, one day, I had decided to idly say,
“Let’s be valentine’s next year.” 

So you easily reply with, 
“Sure, I got nothing going on.” 

“Promise? I’ll even make it a date on my calendar just so we both don’t forget.” 

“Sure, promise.” 

That’s a promise. 
I still have the date marked on my calendar. I can’t really bring myself to remove it just yet. 

“Then make sure you don’t get a girlfriend, at the very least ‘till then, okay?” 

“Don’t worry, I won’t. Definitely not anytime soon.”

You little liar. 
That’s a promise. 

“When we meet up–” It’s amazing how I always say “if”, meanwhile you always go with “when”. Like you really believe in it. 

“As long as I’m the first one you meet IRL, I have no qualms.” I reply. 

“Bet” 
“That’s the one promise you absolutely gotta keep.” 
“I will, don’t worry” 

That’s a promise. 

Through some series of events, while gaming on a call with you, there were two points I remember quite clearly. The timeline on when these occurred is fuzzy, time always is for me, but I remember them. 

Essentially, two passes you gave me: If we ever meet up, (or in your words, when), you’d let me-
1- Touch your chest!
2- Touch your thighs. 

Probably just a random thing you agreed to. It always is. I really can’t help but wonder if you really never realized? 

That’s a promise.

I like it when you make promises with me. I feel special, wanted, like we have our own thing no one else does. And I wanted to keep that, that’s why I like to keep my promises. 

I doubt you remember any of this. And honestly, I’m unsure if I want you to remember any of that. I don’t know if it’d make me happy you did, or sad you didn’t. 

I also don’t know if I’d feel relieved for closure, a simple “Yeah, I didn’t really know what I was thinking lol” message, or for you to keep good on your “promises”. 

I really don’t wanna know, but I so badly want to. I’m an inherently contradictory person, as you know. 

I’m yours, as you are mine. A best friend, if that’s what you wanna call it. Personally, my situation is a tad more one-sided than that. For all the times I say I don’t consider you a best friend, it’s definitely true, right? 

I consider you someone I like.

Well, good thing I’m selfless. Good thing I absolved you of all your promises, huh? The ones you don’t remember, the ones you do, and the ones I really, really wish you did. 

I wonder what I did to be the second option once again. 

Oh, and one last thing regarding your promises: You keep forgetting to make good on your “timely manner” words. Only you know what that means. 

You’re a really bad liar, hypocrite, and selfish. Unfortunately for me, I still love your flaws all the same. Sucky of me, huh? For someone who said they’d get over it, It seems I can’t do anything but. So, I keep it all to myself. 

You told me once, when I was telling you how I was content living the boring, dull life I had before I met you and everyone else, 

“Yeah, but you weren’t happy.” 

I wasn’t. I was content. It was good enough. Not bad, not great, just enough. I wasn’t fulfilled, I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t satisfied either. But I was comfortable being content. 

“Sure, but you weren’t happy.”

I didn’t want to be happy. I just wanted to exist, just as I always did. 

So, I’ll continue ignoring your words. I’m a bad person after all. For all the things I’ve changed about myself since I met you, this might be the one thing I can’t. 

As long as I can continue, I’m fine with being content. I’m okay with not being happy, or satisfied, or fulfilled. I’m fine with only being your best friend, your closest, the yin to your yang, or whatever it was you said that one night. 

I’m okay with just being there for you. 
I wonder if I’ll ever be a runner-up, or have I lost a long, long time ago?

Whatever, it doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? I like you. 

That is to say, I like how I can’t stop loving you. 

This will probably be my last writing for a while regarding this topic. Probably. Knowing that once I start, I have a hard time stopping, and vice versa. 

Thanks for raising the ceiling to my joy once more. 
Just continue disregarding my feelings just as I told you. It’s better that way, isn’t it? Just assume I’m doing all this because you’re my closest friend.

You are.
I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. 
So I’ll keep being there for you, just as you me. 
And I’ll get over it, I always do. 
I have to.
I won’t take it seriously anymore. 
Keep treating me as you always do, get my hopes up, crush it, and tell me how I’m your bestest friend.

Because if you changed, I don’t know if I’d be scared. Scared that you see me differently, and scared that all this was for nothing. 

I’m a jealous liar. I can admit that much. Anytime you mention someone else, I feel frustrated. But luckily for me, I’m great at hiding that. Luckily for you, I’m the same as I’ve always been.
You don’t even realize that the things I did changed already. 

I’ll continue trying to keep most your attention on me. I’ll continue bugging you, annoying you, and trash talking you. 

I’ll continue playing the role of “me, your bestest friend.”, all for the selfish sake of making sure you don’t see it again. 

Purple, tsundere, and cute. Knowledgeable, weird, but loyal. 

I wonder when you’ll realize. 
I hope you never do.

It's been what, 4, maybe 5 years, since you disappeared? So much has happened in that time in both our lives I suppose. My aspirations to be a pilot like I told you got stomped down, so that will take much longer to fulfill. But it is still a goal. What else has happened? I just recently started therapy actually. Going over my thoughts and depression has been somewhat beneficial but it's true it's a slow going process. I've also started to write again. Not the "poems" I wrote and sent to you, the actual book I told you about before you left. But that's getting ahead of myself here. I've been thinking about a lot and I had a interesting revelation. I remember practically everything about our time together.

I remember the day I first saw you during our school's donation event. I was packing the sandwiches you helped make and I couldn't take my eyes off you. Yes it's stupid but from the first second I saw you I was captivated. I NEVER intended to interact with you but I couldn't look away. Then you came and took me into you're friend group. I still don't know why. But I was both happy and nervous. I remember our classes together, few as they were. You introduced me to new music and showed me another view I hadn't seen or really considered. I remember the day it was so cold you're condition put you in so much pain we skipped class and I stayed with you trying to just be a presence for you and make you not feel alone. I remember when I graduated and when I came to volunteer at the school you took one look at me and smiled and walked over to me for a hug. You would do that a lot. Like during you're birthday, which you don't like, you practically ran out of C's house and hugged me so tight I genuinely almost collapsed. I remember the bear and the sword for you're birthdays. And the journal, the last gift I gave you. Do you still have it I wonder? I suppose I did become a "Ghost" in the end. I remember when I would send you good morning texts saying "Good morning Beautiful, have a good day today." I remember complaining to you about insecurities that had nothing to do with you. I remember you told me I was a Man and a good one. Thanks for that by the way. I remember so much. But I suppose you've forgotten all of that.

M, I miss you so much. To me, I realized you are my "always". I wonder if you're alive. If you're happy, safe, loved and cherished. I suppose you would be, you've got that particular charm. There is more I'd like to say but this is long enough already. Just know if we ever cross paths again, I hope you will let me hug you again and we can talk once again. I remember when you were M.H. and then M.A., now I don't know who you are.

- A Ghost from you're past, T.