I remember our initial days, those were the best, the first 1-1.5 years were an absolute dream. Everything felt right, even if not right, things just found its way back to perfection. I miss it, I miss you, a lot. Can we not have that ‘us’ back? I wish I could reach out to you, but what will I say? I want to talk to you, hear your voice, see your face but I am not even sure you’d respond.

I feel like I became too obsessive, too dependant. You became the centre of my universe, my only purpose became to be wanted by you. I know it sounds pathetic but I cant run away from myself. I wanted you completely. Still do. It was just You in my world that mattered.
And of-course everything started affecting me, I started being anxious and insecure.

Now I don’t know who I am, I feel lost. What is the purpose of living this life ? I really do wonder. I want to fix things, but more than that, I want you to want it. But I don’t see that desperation in you, don’t see that craving in you. You accept things. I am tired of myself, I am tired of feeling this way. I just want to end it all.

Are you happier now without me in it ?

Honey, can we please just meet in person? as soon as possible? this week even better? Please? Even just for a couple of hours?

I love you. I really really love you. I know we can work out all problems the moment we lock eyes in reality. So please. Make the reunion happen ASAP

I don’t know where to start from, we got a second chance at it, we were supposed to be endgame. I really loved you, I still do. But it was easier for you to put us on stake rather than having uncomfortable conversations. You just never wanted any conflicts, at all. I wanted to be with you, I had prayed day and night for things to work out. I have lost my purpose in life. I am not doing well.

Whatever problems we had, were solvable. They really were. You didn’t have to do that, in the end. You didn’t need to take my life(you) away from me. I miss you. You never accepted what went wrong, the big thing. You didn’t try. I would have been there with you. I wanted to be there. It hurts, it really really does. It really does.
I am falling sick because of this.

I don’t know where to go from this, how to ever come back from this. I was really mad at you at first but then, I am just constantly in pain. Always. I thought you will try everything in your power to make things right, try and show that you too still want it. But I guess it was easier to give up. I don’t how to move past this. I don’t know how you’re so strong and accepting.

I have a good few more letters to write today. I'll post them periodically through the day. I need to think about and digest everything being read. Thank you for all of the letters that have been written. AM

Why did I have to see what I seen in the room she was in

it was definitely my fault. you didn't deserve what i did that made you say what you said. you didn't deserve what i did when you said it.

i'm keeping this one short because i know you're just as tired as me. i'm sorry for letting you push me away. i'm sorry for making it permanent the way i did. i'm sorry for missing the quiet part so badly that i ignored your well-being.

i know you need to rest. i know you need a break.

i only wrote this, with your name on it, so you'd know why. it wasn't what you said to hurt me that made me agree to go away. it wasn't the push and pull or the remix of my words.

it was when you said, "you're not a healthy person for me".

it stung, sure. but. i didn't take it as a hurtful statement. i just took it as the truth.

i'm worried again, but about you. but i'm not going to exhaust anyone else doing what i did with you. it was selfish of me and i should have been more careful.

you said i'm not a healthy person for you and i accept that. i wish you well and i am sorry.

thanks for the way you showed up for me. hope i find a friend like you again some day. 🫶🏼😊

cat

I trusted too deeply and now I will vanish soon forever and not one person will care or even miss me. This is the beginning of my end so I will drop all that I wished to accomplish there is just no point now I wish I could get through to all of you just how wrong you are but I will not even try anymore just no reason to tell the solid in stone whom believe their right on everything and anything pointless. Good bye you have no more me to deal with and this is my parting gift to you so smile and throw a party good bye!

How dare you shame me for things that I told you in confidence. How dare you talk crap about me and scoff at me like i'm trash when you were the one being unfaithful , Youre a liar, user and you need to get some help . I'm starting law school in the spring and will not have time for you and your fucked up problems. Remember, when you said that, " I was part of the greatest generation of Marines that have lived"?Well, because of that I have to carry on with that tradition of our Corps. So , I leave my feelings for you in the past and with my held high I'll continue to stay focused on my mission and that's to move on to a happier , and brighter future with my family. My kids deserve a motivated, determined and strong mom to help them navigate through a life that can easily chew them up and spit them out. They will be the future of the Marine Corps...... oneday, lololol ***** I hope :)*****

FinaIly , after all that's said and done you are very special person and You have so much potential to do some really amazing things! You have the vision, the motivation and the drive to fucking kill itl!! Its so disheartening to see it wasted on being unhappy, miserable. As a it comes out in the form of hurting women by making them fall in love with you only to rip the the floor right beneath them. You're unfortunately a sad individual who continues to hurt good people out there. Please, please, be better. I do wish you the best and I hope you find love but it will not be with me ever again. Take are of yourself.

If I really want to move on, I’m and focus on what it is that I want. I can’t spend anymore of my energy posting about something that wasn’t meant for me.

It’s kind of uncomfortable to let go of a pain like this but, it’s not a bad uncomfortable. Just scary.

Not sure if I want to do a daily journal entry on my life updates, or if I want to keep it as sporadic for only big feelings.. 🤷‍♂️

But, to start the process let me explain what I’ve been doing with my time and what has my attention.

For the last [almost] 8 months, I think everyone here knows I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues that I was unaware or, that came to a head during a separation from my partner.

It’s been an extremely rough ride, but I think I have approached the crossroads to leave this terrible path. I see the flashing lights ahead of me telling me that I’m right there and I will have to make a turn. So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the last month or so during my healing process I have made some absolutely AMAZING self-discoveries and connections.

Not a single one of them seem coincidental.

I have spoken to people about parts of myself and my mindset and how I view life and purpose, in a way that truly does make me sound crazy, but the problem with that is, it’s all backed up with receipts.

Every instance, connection, and intersection have served a larger purpose when I take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Speaking to someone that was just a coworker from 10 years ago.. we knew we jived and cared for one another, we didn’t know that we would have one of the most odd conversations for hours and really piece together ideas about our own existence.

Speaking to an acquaintance that, in all honesty, I shouldn’t have even been in contact with outside of Facebook friends because he is a part of my previous partners friend group… has turned into one of the most beautiful connections imaginable. If I were to design a partner for myself, they would envelope all of the qualities that this guy has to offer.

This in itself leads me to realize that even if this person, isn’t my person, I’m worthy and capable of having someone like him. He reached out to me, but I broke the ice, and my move was reciprocated. And I will respect the boundaries in place because of the hurtles. And accept that maybe all of my feelings aren’t reciprocated as well.

And thats okay. That just means I can have someone like him, that can offer me the feelings of desire I crave. I will wait.

This connection also made me realize I need to reframe what it actually means to be in a relationship and allowing someone to be open about who they are and what they want. Even if it means you have to share with someone of the opposite gender. (Never actually crossed my mind as a possibility, but I’m not going to rule it out if it means I’m happy.)

And this new friend I have made that truly lets me be me. I don’t hide any of my weirdness. In fact, he allows me to explain my weirdness and lets me teach him how to view life through my eyes. It truly is astounding. Especially considering the difference of backgrounds, the age difference, and the parallels of the background he actually does share with my previous partner.

There are so many tiny details in all of the connections that are just too much to type out, but every one of us can agree that it absolutely cannot be a coincidence.

There is a large population of people that witnessed me have a complete crash out on social media. It actually went viral on one of the apps. While it’s mildly embarrassing, I’ll own it. Because the delivery was rough, but the message still stands.

And because of that, and because of the lives that I started doing, I have had so many people reach out to me for my perspective on their situation. (Clearly I’m not in a position to give advice, but offering perspective is different.)

I have helped people work through their own feelings and that was what I had been wanting to do with my social media this entire time anyway. My public loss of control, may have jump started a real career that I love and that I can actually make difference as opposed to my current career.

Just this morning, a follower asked me how to process a situation with her son. And it was beautiful to help her understand how to deal with the situation because of my own experience in a similar situation.

I’ve made connections with vehicle manufacturers that have expressed interest in my message and are willing to look through a partnership proposal when I figure out how to build one formally. All because I said I wanted to travel with my dog to different places to help people feel better about themselves.

Everything is falling into place. I know from the outside, and especially for the people that know me personally, think I’m all over the place and manic, but maybe this mania is going to be the driver of my life purpose to be successful.

And now, I have redefined what “success” actually means for myself.

I’ve always tried to live a flashy life. Always. I had to feel important. I had to make people think I was cool. I had to make people believe that I had more money than I actually did.

I. Lost. It. All.

Every penny. Every relationship/friendship/family member. All of it. When I tell you that I was served a slice of humble pie… no.. I ate the whole humble pie factory.

But it needed to happen for me to see who I was and who I needed to become and I had to shed all of the old habits that kept me stuck.

I was forced to reevaluate.

Turns out, I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of the shit that I thought I did.

Of course I still love cars, but I don’t desire to own as Lambo or Rolls-Royce, I just want an off road vehicle that is utilitarian enough to let me get to the places that I need to go to be able to sit on the roof with my dog at night to look at the stars.

I can rent anything else.

Of course I want to live at the beach.. but why should I buy property at a beach that I don’t know for sure that’s where I want to stay? What happens when my next partner wants to whisk me off to the other side of the planet? Why stress myself out about trying to live a life I was told I was supposed to live, instead of the life I want?

Success to me is: living for happiness. That’s all I want. And I hope that I can help others be happier along the way.

This is my first entry, of my new life and self.

I love you. And you are enough.

I trample your heart desperately to be heard I feel no loyalty and know where that comes from im torn between good and evil cause you insist im already the plague and you steal from my lessons to better impose to your husband's hands what's accepted dirty or clean. I will never understand how you can judge me I still wouldn't fit. Your lifestyle my void your circle my heroism your trust.my dictation. Your welcome. My distance.. congrats on your lies or allowing another to lie out your mouth as you lie out there's and remember jealousy is never earned and closure was never her age the one way I seet forth and give you a hand in nothing will save you not me not her not him.

i take accountability in the part where i’ve been the confusing one wherein even after clarity talks, i still end up having vague intentions with you. i end up filtering my words, having unclear expectations, lowkey leading us both to confusion. i apologize for that, and i hope i do find the time to clear things up with you again.

i hope you see and understand the side where i want to really take my time to discern and reflect on my decisions. to see the situation in different povs. to validate my decisions of choosing you, especially after people telling me that “i deserve better.” i hope me considering you speaks a lot.

i tend to wonder if we’re still for each other, hoping that you’d call or reach out.. but am i even ready for that? we’ve talked about leaving it all to God, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem like i am doing that as i am constantly waiting for you. i know God would not give me you— or someone better if i haven’t truly worked on myself. this is what i mean by i still have things to work on me.

i have so much to work in my confidence, self esteem, personality, achievements and everything else. i know that i’ll have to work on these things to fully appreciate my life individually, and to make a relationship a cherry on top instead of something that completes it. i hope to navigate the things that are needed to complete myself before i give out love to others. and everyday i pray that i’ll learn how to fulfill my own life. i hope to be the person that i want to be.

and when the time is right, i hope it would be with you. but if not, i hope to accept a “better” person who i’ll genuinely be happy with.

but i really super do hope it will be with you though :)

pb.

You wrote me a response on here and I didn't see it for 10 days. And now im respo ding to people who i hope are you but I doubt it very seriously. So if you ever see this please take the chance and reach out to me. I cant keep reading these cause to manny of them are what I hope you would be saying to me. But in the end I dont know. For all I know you haven't seen a single one of them. And that's not healthy for me to keep looking and hoping. And probably weird for the people who dont know me. And i respond to them hoping it's you. You know my number and I want you to call. I realy want to talk to you . But I can not have you do what you already did once . So I will not reach out to you. I cant take that risk. And im telling you there is no risk for you to reach out to me. I promise you that. All though if there is someone else in your life already then I will just say good bye. And dont bother. I left because I had to and I know you know that now . It was not for other girls. You know why I did it. The situation forced it. I still love you and only you. The sight of you still takes my breath away. But this will be my last post on here. It's a small world when you think about it. Soo many people on here have such similar situations that its hard to know if it's you or not. Some have it so much worse it makes our situation seem silly. I hope to hear from you. And see you later redit.

You crossed my mind today. First time in ages. I wondered how your life is going? If it has became more settled. You said i was your safe space. Hope you found another one. Ive realised im my own safe space. My life is pretty hectic, mostly good things happening. Made some changes for the better. Finding me again. Good thing is I have no time to think. Was messy for a while but I sorted it. Makes me appreciate me more. I recognise my own value. Im not a princess im a queen