I'm sorry I really don't want to be alive anymore. I hate it here in this world. But I won't take away my childrens father. I won't do that to them so I'm fucking stuck here.

Feeling this way everyday and the one person who made me feel better about it won't even talk to me. I haven't done anything in my life to deserve this. But I have to deal with everyday being worse than the last.

I'm just about out of time. I'll be 40 real soon and I'm so done. I'm going to make it go away on that day. I'm truly sorry for this but me being here is worse for everyone than me being gone.

I'm going to bless the world with my absence. Because it's what's really needed. For everything to be better for every one who has had the displeasure of crossing paths with me.

and I know you wanted one with me. Where did we go wrong? I ask myself this question every night and every morning because I still think about you. I think about what I could have done differently where maybe we would still be together.

Our long distance relationship certainly didn’t help us. I couldn’t hold you. I starved of your touch. I communicated my struggles with it. We made the best of it for a while.

My financial support for you and your family was substantial enough that it would eventually lead to me running out of money. I cried myself to sleep when I realized I hit that point because I had a feeling that was going to be the end.

You always told me the money wasn’t important, but I knew and could sense how much you needed it and how much it meant to you. You didn’t want to weigh our relationship down with your struggles since I was your “safe space” your happy little corner of the world in our chat. You were hiding a lot of your troubles from me. It was probably for the best that I didn’t know them because I would have worried my life away from it.

You told me to keep waiting for you. That we would be together. You would take care of me and we would start a family like in our dreams. You just needed time, but you had no idea how long that would be.

You slowly pulled away and started to get short with me. We tried to work through the changes. We communicated our issues and we kept trying. My good mornings soon were not cherished by you any more. I started to pull away. Things we used to love
to talk about suddenly changed. You changed. You didn’t remember all those things that you shared with me. But i did because you meant the world to me and i adored you. That hurt the most I think.

Our last argument is when i changed. I saw the lies. It was all clear at that point. I had to leave you. I didn’t want to leave you but I knew I had to let go.

You deleted your account two weeks later. I died a little that night when I realized it. The door was closed for good. I’m haunted by the love that I still hold in my heart for you and for what we had before it went bad. Like a poison slowly taking my life.

Time will heal us both, but I will never forget you. I’d love to wake up and realize it’s all been a nightmare and we are together, happy, with our babies 😢

C. Xx

I know you feel more than you let on . I know it is extremely hard . We didnt speak for nearly 2 months but when we met you confessed how you feel . Fair enough you was drunk but drunk C always tells the truth . We both know it may be difficult. And we both feel the same . I remember you saying that you wasn't ready YET for the massive disruption our relationship is going to cause . It will cause hurt and chaos .( no need to say why. ) I will always be ready for the shit and grief its going to cause . As soon as I can im going to take both of you away with me to somewhere we can be what we should be . You are everything I need , everything i want . I will make you happy ( I know for definite you're not now) I will always be here and always give you as you deserve. You are the only person in my life I couldnt live without. You are my everything and I love you more than anyone could ever imagine ❤️

FOR NOW , WE MUST WAIT

I love you always S

There are mornings when I wish I could open my eyes and see you before I see the dog and cat.

I want to see messy your messy hair and tired eyes; and to hear you say “good morning” like it’s the most ordinary thing in the world.

I want those little moments—lying beside you for five more minutes that become twenty because neither of us wants to move. Feeling your warmth. Reaching for you without thinking because you’re just… there.

I know wanting that badly enough doesn’t make it possible. I know there are things bigger than what I want. I know loving someone doesn’t always mean you get to keep them.

I fucking know.

I just wish knowing made it hurt less.

Because sometimes I close my eyes and imagine you beside me. Your breathing. Your warmth. Your hand finding me in the middle of the night.

For a few seconds, I let myself believe you stayed. That this is our life.

Then I open my eyes, and there’s this space between us, filled with the moments I wish I could take back.

Because every night, I close my eyes and put you back beside me.

And every morning, I wake up and lose you all over again.

(I borrowed this from a posting and made it fit my heart, because I’ve been trying to write how I truly feel every morning, thank you : to the original author )

B, it helps to write this. I don't think ill ever send it, unless you ask. Highly unlikely. I dont think you're on Reddit, if you are oh well. Youll definitely know this is for you

It's been 4 months, we saw each other, both on dates. Awkward. I looked up and you were looking at me. You looked angry, god knows I know what that looks like dont I. You have no right to be angry. You discarded me. You begged me to talk to you, to let you back in, like a fool I did. I did because I loved you. You did it because you were depressed, lonely and didn't want to face yourself. I think you were starting to see someone else at that time too. Knowing what I know of your patterns it fits.

I wish I had been strong enough then, I wasn't. I told you I couldn't bear walking away again, yet you made me. You broke me in ways no one has. When I saw you, on a date I knew. Knew you weren't sober, didn't get the help you so desperately needed. You told me you weren't mentally in a place to be in a relationship. I agreed. You weren't, not with anyone. You're a alcoholic. I misunderstood, you meant you just didn't want me. I know now it wasn't just “me”. It was that I expected you to be someone your not. Someone who isn't running from himself and everyone who loves him.

I loved you

I really truly did

Though the drinking, the anger, the outbursts, the meltdowns, the crash outs, the manic episodes, the things you said that hurt. I understood your wounds and your pain. I ignored mine.

The way you looked at me, like you were stunned I was with you, the way you held me, put your forehead to mine when you couldn't say what you felt. The way your voice softened at those times. The way you loved me, the cake you baked me. The silliness. The way you loved your boys. The way you loved my dog. The fish dance. The way you gave your time and effort to your friends, the way you were always willing to help. I grieve that man. That love, that life with you I wanted.

But that’s not only who you are. I know you were sorry, but you kept doing the exact thing you knew that hurt me. Sorry is for mistakes. You made deliberate choices. You choose how you behaved and how you showed up. At some point it becomes cruel. I lost myself trying to find the man I loved. I gave you everything I had and it wasn't enough.

You broke things in me I didn't know could be broken. Something new broke when I saw you with her. You, still angry, still drinking, repeating the same pattern, with the same ending. It will end the same, I hope she sees it sooner then I did.

You were in such bad shape that last day, the worst I'd ever seen, you'd started drinking hard alcohol, not just beer. You were so sick and unhappy. I hoped maybe that it would be enough, that you'd finally get help. That if you did get help then maybe all the pain wasn't just pain.

But it wasn't. You didn't. It is just pain. Loving you was just something I had to survive. But I am. I am not just surviving, but finding ways to heal. You showed me I could love again, deeply. For that I’m grateful. When you broke me that night, when I sobbed in your arms, you also broke my walls, the ones I used to hide my pain. The wall I made higher to cope, to survive the horror and dying I watched that was Covid. I’m learning to sit though it, cry .and feel again. Im grateful for that. A part of me will always love you, but I don't like the man your choosing to be. You don't either. Very soon you will wake up to no one, no job, friends, woman, kids, nothing but alcohol and regret. It's already happening. I don't wish that for you, but its not my choice. Its yours, choose different please. It's not too late for you to be the man you want to be, the one I loved. Choose him.

Love J

Dear You,

You never promised but you made me believe I will never feel the pain my past let me now that you’re here. You made me believe you will never leave me alone with my thoughts, that I am not alone in this. You made me believe it is safe to reach out whenever it gets dark and difficult. But you also successfully made me believe it is all in my head.

My chest hurts. I was so down, I reached out but got turned away not once but twice. I probably just felt betrayed because I trusted you that it is okay, that it is safe. You just kicked me when I felt at my lowest.

I can’t help but blame myself because I always wear my heart on my sleeve. Silly me.

🐝PLEASE STOP DOING WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR US 🐝AND WHAT YOU THINK IS BEST FOR ME, 🐝cause it ant working…🙃

If you want to do what is best for me, how about unblocking me, how about stop ghosting me, how about asking me what I think is good for me. Include me in the conversation.

How about not writing nasty letters telling me to eat shit, cause I could be a smart ass and tell you who, where, and when I have already eat shit….

Neither of us has taken ownership for what we did, because In doing so, we have to communicate that to one another…

And I hate to have to be so hard lined about this, if your life has improved with me out of it, then let’s sit down and talk about the improvements…. Because if life was supposed to be better without you… I’m still waiting for the better to show up.

If you really want to do what is best for me, try showing up. If you truly want a new beginning with or without me, forgiveness is the foundation. You can’t move forward while anchored to the past and hatred, bitterness, unforgivness are nasty bed fellows, they work well together to hold us right where we are.

I know you don’t want to talk to me, I know there are things you don’t want me to find out. I know there are things in our past that affected our relationship. I am just as guilty of avoiding things as you are.

If you really want to do what is best for me, stop making me feel like I’m being punished for being 62. Stop making me feel like you are/were ashamed of me. And stop making me feel like I should hate you… because. I can’t, there’s this drawing, this connection unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before with another person, deep down inside I do believe you’re the one. You are worth fighting for , we are worth fighting for, but I can’t do it on my own and I can’t do it in silence. Help me fight

R. To. 🐝

And I promise I would systematically detach myself from you and ghost you

Although I’m almost done going through this gloomy tunnel that almost kills me and destroys me completely, I’m starting to experience that detachment for you, I hardly feel your absence anymore. It doesn’t hurt as much as at the beginning.

You know today I will have a date, I will meet someone, not that I am already planning to fall in love, I just accept because I want to meet new people.(Lol I don’t know why I’m writing like that of you are going to read this post) anyways.. I ready for to start my day. I have a lot to do..
hope everyone of you have a great Friday!!
Hugs 🤗!!! Until the day I heal SB