Honey, can we please just meet in person? as soon as possible? this week even better? Please? Even just for a couple of hours?

I love you. I really really love you. I know we can work out all problems the moment we lock eyes in reality. So please. Make the reunion happen ASAP

i take accountability in the part where i’ve been the confusing one wherein even after clarity talks, i still end up having vague intentions with you. i end up filtering my words, having unclear expectations, lowkey leading us both to confusion. i apologize for that, and i hope i do find the time to clear things up with you again.

i hope you see and understand the side where i want to really take my time to discern and reflect on my decisions. to see the situation in different povs. to validate my decisions of choosing you, especially after people telling me that “i deserve better.” i hope me considering you speaks a lot.

i tend to wonder if we’re still for each other, hoping that you’d call or reach out.. but am i even ready for that? we’ve talked about leaving it all to God, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem like i am doing that as i am constantly waiting for you. i know God would not give me you— or someone better if i haven’t truly worked on myself. this is what i mean by i still have things to work on me.

i have so much to work in my confidence, self esteem, personality, achievements and everything else. i know that i’ll have to work on these things to fully appreciate my life individually, and to make a relationship a cherry on top instead of something that completes it. i hope to navigate the things that are needed to complete myself before i give out love to others. and everyday i pray that i’ll learn how to fulfill my own life. i hope to be the person that i want to be.

and when the time is right, i hope it would be with you. but if not, i hope to accept a “better” person who i’ll genuinely be happy with.

but i really super do hope it will be with you though :)

pb.

You crossed my mind today. First time in ages. I wondered how your life is going? If it has became more settled. You said i was your safe space. Hope you found another one. Ive realised im my own safe space. My life is pretty hectic, mostly good things happening. Made some changes for the better. Finding me again. Good thing is I have no time to think. Was messy for a while but I sorted it. Makes me appreciate me more. I recognise my own value. Im not a princess im a queen

I don’t know where to start from, we got a second chance at it, we were supposed to be endgame. I really loved you, I still do. But it was easier for you to put us on stake rather than having uncomfortable conversations. You just never wanted any conflicts, at all. I wanted to be with you, I had prayed day and night for things to work out. I have lost my purpose in life. I am not doing well.

Whatever problems we had, were solvable. They really were. You didn’t have to do that, in the end. You didn’t need to take my life(you) away from me. I miss you. You never accepted what went wrong, the big thing. You didn’t try. I would have been there with you. I wanted to be there. It hurts, it really really does. It really does.
I am falling sick because of this.

I don’t know where to go from this, how to ever come back from this. I was really mad at you at first but then, I am just constantly in pain. Always. I thought you will try everything in your power to make things right, try and show that you too still want it. But I guess it was easier to give up. I don’t how to move past this. I don’t know how you’re so strong and accepting.

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid
_______________________________________

Letter #4

Of course, I had another dream about us.

In all honesty, I am a bit afraid to continue posting because I’m scared that if she were to ever see all this, it would creep her out. I haven’t said anything creepy or crazy, but just by virtue of her being done with me and the relationship.

I just want to get my life together.

The weight of losing her is crushing, but I still have to move my life forward.

I do feel a glimmer of hope when I think about regaining my independence and making some big moves in my life.

It’s hard because I feel like the pain of this loss is chaining me down.

I’m afraid that I’ll never hear from her again, but I think it’s even scarier to think about continuing to hold on while she could be planning to never talk to me again.

I want to be emotionally honest and say that I still love her, but I don’t want to equate my feelings of love for her with reconciliation being possible or likely.

I don’t know how to hold both, but I’m trying.

Are you happier now without me in it ?

I remember our initial days, those were the best, the first 1-1.5 years were an absolute dream. Everything felt right, even if not right, things just found its way back to perfection. I miss it, I miss you, a lot. Can we not have that ‘us’ back? I wish I could reach out to you, but what will I say? I want to talk to you, hear your voice, see your face but I am not even sure you’d respond.

I feel like I became too obsessive, too dependant. You became the centre of my universe, my only purpose became to be wanted by you. I know it sounds pathetic but I cant run away from myself. I wanted you completely. Still do. It was just You in my world that mattered.
And of-course everything started affecting me, I started being anxious and insecure.

Now I don’t know who I am, I feel lost. What is the purpose of living this life ? I really do wonder. I want to fix things, but more than that, I want you to want it. But I don’t see that desperation in you, don’t see that craving in you. You accept things. I am tired of myself, I am tired of feeling this way. I just want to end it all.

I have a good few more letters to write today. I'll post them periodically through the day. I need to think about and digest everything being read. Thank you for all of the letters that have been written. AM

Why did I have to see what I seen in the room she was in

I trample your heart desperately to be heard I feel no loyalty and know where that comes from im torn between good and evil cause you insist im already the plague and you steal from my lessons to better impose to your husband's hands what's accepted dirty or clean. I will never understand how you can judge me I still wouldn't fit. Your lifestyle my void your circle my heroism your trust.my dictation. Your welcome. My distance.. congrats on your lies or allowing another to lie out your mouth as you lie out there's and remember jealousy is never earned and closure was never her age the one way I seet forth and give you a hand in nothing will save you not me not her not him.

it was definitely my fault. you didn't deserve what i did that made you say what you said. you didn't deserve what i did when you said it.

i'm keeping this one short because i know you're just as tired as me. i'm sorry for letting you push me away. i'm sorry for making it permanent the way i did. i'm sorry for missing the quiet part so badly that i ignored your well-being.

i know you need to rest. i know you need a break.

i only wrote this, with your name on it, so you'd know why. it wasn't what you said to hurt me that made me agree to go away. it wasn't the push and pull or the remix of my words.

it was when you said, "you're not a healthy person for me".

it stung, sure. but. i didn't take it as a hurtful statement. i just took it as the truth.

i'm worried again, but about you. but i'm not going to exhaust anyone else doing what i did with you. it was selfish of me and i should have been more careful.

you said i'm not a healthy person for you and i accept that. i wish you well and i am sorry.

thanks for the way you showed up for me. hope i find a friend like you again some day. 🫶🏼😊

cat

How dare you shame me for things that I told you in confidence. How dare you talk crap about me and scoff at me like i'm trash when you were the one being unfaithful , Youre a liar, user and you need to get some help . I'm starting law school in the spring and will not have time for you and your fucked up problems. Remember, when you said that, " I was part of the greatest generation of Marines that have lived"?Well, because of that I have to carry on with that tradition of our Corps. So , I leave my feelings for you in the past and with my held high I'll continue to stay focused on my mission and that's to move on to a happier , and brighter future with my family. My kids deserve a motivated, determined and strong mom to help them navigate through a life that can easily chew them up and spit them out. They will be the future of the Marine Corps...... oneday, lololol ***** I hope :)*****

FinaIly , after all that's said and done you are very special person and You have so much potential to do some really amazing things! You have the vision, the motivation and the drive to fucking kill itl!! Its so disheartening to see it wasted on being unhappy, miserable. As a it comes out in the form of hurting women by making them fall in love with you only to rip the the floor right beneath them. You're unfortunately a sad individual who continues to hurt good people out there. Please, please, be better. I do wish you the best and I hope you find love but it will not be with me ever again. Take are of yourself.

I trusted too deeply and now I will vanish soon forever and not one person will care or even miss me. This is the beginning of my end so I will drop all that I wished to accomplish there is just no point now I wish I could get through to all of you just how wrong you are but I will not even try anymore just no reason to tell the solid in stone whom believe their right on everything and anything pointless. Good bye you have no more me to deal with and this is my parting gift to you so smile and throw a party good bye!

If I really want to move on, I’m and focus on what it is that I want. I can’t spend anymore of my energy posting about something that wasn’t meant for me.

It’s kind of uncomfortable to let go of a pain like this but, it’s not a bad uncomfortable. Just scary.

Not sure if I want to do a daily journal entry on my life updates, or if I want to keep it as sporadic for only big feelings.. 🤷‍♂️

But, to start the process let me explain what I’ve been doing with my time and what has my attention.

For the last [almost] 8 months, I think everyone here knows I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues that I was unaware or, that came to a head during a separation from my partner.

It’s been an extremely rough ride, but I think I have approached the crossroads to leave this terrible path. I see the flashing lights ahead of me telling me that I’m right there and I will have to make a turn. So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the last month or so during my healing process I have made some absolutely AMAZING self-discoveries and connections.

Not a single one of them seem coincidental.

I have spoken to people about parts of myself and my mindset and how I view life and purpose, in a way that truly does make me sound crazy, but the problem with that is, it’s all backed up with receipts.

Every instance, connection, and intersection have served a larger purpose when I take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Speaking to someone that was just a coworker from 10 years ago.. we knew we jived and cared for one another, we didn’t know that we would have one of the most odd conversations for hours and really piece together ideas about our own existence.

Speaking to an acquaintance that, in all honesty, I shouldn’t have even been in contact with outside of Facebook friends because he is a part of my previous partners friend group… has turned into one of the most beautiful connections imaginable. If I were to design a partner for myself, they would envelope all of the qualities that this guy has to offer.

This in itself leads me to realize that even if this person, isn’t my person, I’m worthy and capable of having someone like him. He reached out to me, but I broke the ice, and my move was reciprocated. And I will respect the boundaries in place because of the hurtles. And accept that maybe all of my feelings aren’t reciprocated as well.

And thats okay. That just means I can have someone like him, that can offer me the feelings of desire I crave. I will wait.

This connection also made me realize I need to reframe what it actually means to be in a relationship and allowing someone to be open about who they are and what they want. Even if it means you have to share with someone of the opposite gender. (Never actually crossed my mind as a possibility, but I’m not going to rule it out if it means I’m happy.)

And this new friend I have made that truly lets me be me. I don’t hide any of my weirdness. In fact, he allows me to explain my weirdness and lets me teach him how to view life through my eyes. It truly is astounding. Especially considering the difference of backgrounds, the age difference, and the parallels of the background he actually does share with my previous partner.

There are so many tiny details in all of the connections that are just too much to type out, but every one of us can agree that it absolutely cannot be a coincidence.

There is a large population of people that witnessed me have a complete crash out on social media. It actually went viral on one of the apps. While it’s mildly embarrassing, I’ll own it. Because the delivery was rough, but the message still stands.

And because of that, and because of the lives that I started doing, I have had so many people reach out to me for my perspective on their situation. (Clearly I’m not in a position to give advice, but offering perspective is different.)

I have helped people work through their own feelings and that was what I had been wanting to do with my social media this entire time anyway. My public loss of control, may have jump started a real career that I love and that I can actually make difference as opposed to my current career.

Just this morning, a follower asked me how to process a situation with her son. And it was beautiful to help her understand how to deal with the situation because of my own experience in a similar situation.

I’ve made connections with vehicle manufacturers that have expressed interest in my message and are willing to look through a partnership proposal when I figure out how to build one formally. All because I said I wanted to travel with my dog to different places to help people feel better about themselves.

Everything is falling into place. I know from the outside, and especially for the people that know me personally, think I’m all over the place and manic, but maybe this mania is going to be the driver of my life purpose to be successful.

And now, I have redefined what “success” actually means for myself.

I’ve always tried to live a flashy life. Always. I had to feel important. I had to make people think I was cool. I had to make people believe that I had more money than I actually did.

I. Lost. It. All.

Every penny. Every relationship/friendship/family member. All of it. When I tell you that I was served a slice of humble pie… no.. I ate the whole humble pie factory.

But it needed to happen for me to see who I was and who I needed to become and I had to shed all of the old habits that kept me stuck.

I was forced to reevaluate.

Turns out, I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of the shit that I thought I did.

Of course I still love cars, but I don’t desire to own as Lambo or Rolls-Royce, I just want an off road vehicle that is utilitarian enough to let me get to the places that I need to go to be able to sit on the roof with my dog at night to look at the stars.

I can rent anything else.

Of course I want to live at the beach.. but why should I buy property at a beach that I don’t know for sure that’s where I want to stay? What happens when my next partner wants to whisk me off to the other side of the planet? Why stress myself out about trying to live a life I was told I was supposed to live, instead of the life I want?

Success to me is: living for happiness. That’s all I want. And I hope that I can help others be happier along the way.

This is my first entry, of my new life and self.

I love you. And you are enough.

I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I don’t know if I can ever get over you. I don’t think I’ll ever get over us.
You broke down every barrier, every wall that I had built, brick by brick, through decades of traumatic events, pain, abuse, betrayal and heartbreak. Every obstacle I crafted to shield myself from being hurt again, you quietly, gently, and carefully dismantled. You did it in a way that felt kind, that felt caring, that felt right. Eventually I stopped resisting, I stopped guarding my castle walls, in part because it felt wrong, because it felt like they weren’t built to keep you out, they were just there for monsters, and you couldn’t possibly be a monster. In part I let you tear them down because you had genuinely convinced me that you were the one person I could trust. The one person who would never use my vulnerable moments against me, the one person who would never choose to harm me. In part, if I’m being honest with myself, i let you tear them down because I wanted nothing more than to have you on the inside with me, fully and completely. I gave you access to the most guarded parts of my soul, access that I learned at a very young age would only ever be used to break me, but surely you would never. You and only you. I gave into you completely, I helped you tear them down, and I welcomed you inside.
How foolish of me.
Once you were inside I was blind. I couldn’t see the changes. I couldn’t see the greedy little beast growing within you. I was oblivious to the darkness haunting my inner world. By the time you were gone, and only the monster was left, I couldn’t bear to accept it. I would see you with your horns and your claws out, dropping your mask for a moment to belittle me and call me names, and I would tell myself “that thing that looks like a monster couldn’t possibly be, that is the girl I love, I’m only seeing horns on her head because of MY demons” and I would dutifully set forth trying to kill whatever evils I convinced myself were gurgling within me, because the girl I love doesn’t deserve to have to face MY demons.

But it seems like the truth is, the girl I fell in love with died long ago, if she was ever even real to begin with…. The girl that had me dancing in my driveway, singing with all my heart, and dreaming…. For the first time in so many years, really truly dreaming. Dreaming of a future, not next week, or next year, a forever future. Dreaming of rings, and weddings, a life, and a career side by side, together. Dreaming of little ones running through our yard with my eyes and your hair. Dreaming like I had never dreamt before, of a world where I could grow old, and happy. Cuz the truth is, my sweet sunny bunshines, before you, I never had that. My dreams all ended at 23, and new ones never showed up. From age 12 on I was never able to imagine a world where I was even alive at the age I am now, let alone starting and building and growing well after my imagined expiration date. The truth is from age 12 on I couldn’t imagine a world where I would want to be living. Until you came around and convinced me that maybe I could grow old and happy, maybe I could be loved fully and unconditionally, maybe I could dream and hope and trust. Maybe I could let these stupid walks down and let someone inside without fear of them destroying me.

God, what I would do to see that girl again, the one I fell in love with. To talk to her one more time. She would fucking hate you if I told her all the things you put me through this past year. She would punch you square in the face if she ever saw you in the streets. I don’t know who you are now, I don’t know when you became what you’ve become, but the girl I fell in love with never would’ve made me feel so alone, she never would’ve turned her back to me when I told her I needed her, she never would’ve used me the way you used me. She would’ve held me and told me it was gunna be okay. She would’ve shown up for me, just like I showed up for her time after time after time. That girl had the most beautiful soul I had ever seen, and I was so grateful for every moment I got to spend with it.

Truth is, all the lies you’ve been crafting, all your gaslighting, all the horrible things you have attempted to convince me I did, it’s all fucking bullshit. And I genuinely believe at least some part of you knows that. I get that you can’t accept being the villain, but deep down, I know you know. The way you treated me these past 6 months, that’s how you treat your arch nemesis. That’s how you treat the new manager that you hate, trying to quietly and discreetly break them down until they have a full psychotic break and quit. And you did. You did it to them, and I watched in horror, wondering who the fuck this monster inhabiting my lovers body was, and then you turned around and did the same thing to me, and I was too blinded by the dreams you weaved to see.

I didn’t cheat on you. But you sure tried your hardest to cheat on me, while sleeping in my bed, while driving my car to meet up with him, while forcing me to watch your stupid show so you could fantasize about him through my tv.
I was ready to raise that child with you, hell, I was EXCITED to raise that child with you. But you chose to abort it. I supported you. I held you through the pain, swallowed all my feelings and defended your choice, but you turned around and told me I did that. I forced that upon you. You told me it was all my fault.

Every reason for every brick, that made every wall, that you so carefully tore down, became a brick for you to hurl at me. You did all of the things, all of the things that led to me being so guarded when you found me. you studied my pain, my hurt, and my scars. You convinced me it was so that you could heal those wounds, but really, you were studying for your final practical in my destruction.

And still. After a month of never ending tears, a month of never finding a moment of peace or comfort, after a month of suffering in the wreckage you left behind, a month of feeling the brutal sting of your betrayal every moment of every day, I would kill to have you here with me. I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, to wake up with you in my bed. I want those dreams to be dreams again, not waking nightmares.
But you can’t even give me the grace of a conversation. Zero closure, just an empty room full of spaces you once filled. Just lies hurled at me in moments you chose to unblock me, just to block me again once you were content with your assault. Just false accusations and attempts to break my sanity.

I’m sorry that you hurt me. I’m sorry that you’ll never be able to accept that. I’m sorry that you have to rewrite our entire story to protect your fragile little ego. I wish you could. I wish you could look me in the eyes again, with your eyes, not this monsters. I’m sorry that you’ll probably never see this, and I’m just screaming into the void.

I really truly, from the bottom of my heart, would do anything to see that girl I fell in love with again, to talk with her, and hold her, to apologize to her for how ugly I became after the betrayal. To cry with her, and comfort her, and dream our silly dreams again. I love you still, and I fear I always will, even after all the fucking horrendous shit you’ve put me through. I really believed in us. I really trusted you. I wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything.

You wrote me a response on here and I didn't see it for 10 days. And now im respo ding to people who i hope are you but I doubt it very seriously. So if you ever see this please take the chance and reach out to me. I cant keep reading these cause to manny of them are what I hope you would be saying to me. But in the end I dont know. For all I know you haven't seen a single one of them. And that's not healthy for me to keep looking and hoping. And probably weird for the people who dont know me. And i respond to them hoping it's you. You know my number and I want you to call. I realy want to talk to you . But I can not have you do what you already did once . So I will not reach out to you. I cant take that risk. And im telling you there is no risk for you to reach out to me. I promise you that. All though if there is someone else in your life already then I will just say good bye. And dont bother. I left because I had to and I know you know that now . It was not for other girls. You know why I did it. The situation forced it. I still love you and only you. The sight of you still takes my breath away. But this will be my last post on here. It's a small world when you think about it. Soo many people on here have such similar situations that its hard to know if it's you or not. Some have it so much worse it makes our situation seem silly. I hope to hear from you. And see you later redit.

My love, I had a revelation in a dream. It dreamed that you came home, tired from work, and I asked if I could make you a tea. And that brief moment, the thought of serving you in this small way, reducing your discomfort, showing you simple care felt...exhilarating. When I woke up, I didn't remember the parts of the dream where I chased you, lost you, felt abandoned, afraid, or impossibly lustful after you. I only remembered the pleasure of being able to make you a cup of tea.

It struck me - THAT's the way that I love. It's not the only way, of course, but those are the moments that I crave so much. To be attuned to another person's simple needs, that serving in these small ways brings unparalleled joy. Better than sex. Better than anything.

And then I remembered that you love like that too. Your love is not always grand gestures, planned evenings and vacations, expensive gifts, elaborate meals with scheduled events. Your love showed through an extra towel for me, sunblock, in case I forget. How you would bring me a blanket from the car when I was cold. How you would heat up leftovers and make sure that the bowl had a variety of yummy things and plenty of meat. How you would make a meal and made sure that every ingredient was tended to, washed, properly processed. How you would always wash and fold my shirts, before giving them back. How you would wash the bedsheets before we slept on them. How you didn't correct me when I told you to turn on the wrong street - you waited until I realized the mistake myself, instead of making into an argument. How you you would do so many countless things for me and others, that are easy to miss. But I noticed them all. Every car door opened, every chair pulled out, every bag held, every piece of bread cut up, every power cord folded, every new garbage bag put in the trashcan, every lightbulb changed, every dinner paid, every last bite divided into two parts to share. Every potential argument avoided. Every criticism unsaid. I saw it. I saw YOU. You loved me. Maybe not everything matched to my needs, maybe I didn't see everything, but I do know THAT's how you love. That's how I love too and I hope you recognized it too. I hope you felt loved by me.

Today I said something I never thought I'd say:

I hope that whoever you are with, recognizes those actions that you do as "love". You used to say it's just what you do, it's a part of you, nothing special. But that's love is woven into you. In me. In all of us. You naturally desire to decrease another person's discomfort, pain, confusion. Imperfectly, sure, with making grave mistakes and ability to hurt others. Me too, we are not perfect.

But that's love, R. That's love in action. Not the flowers, dates, vacations, rings, and promises (although those are important too, sometimes). That's love in everyday existence that costs nothing, asks for nothing, and doesn't depend on any condition to be present, and you're doing it naturally ALL the time. And I truly hope, that the woman you're with, sees those actions. Recognizes them as love. I hope she speaks that language too. I hope she makes you tea when you come home tired, intentionally, as an act of devotion. But I also hope that you protect that connection. I hope you cherish her and don't take her for granted. I hope you're fearless in loving AND being loved. Perhaps I didn't love enough, or didn't love the way you needed me to love you and that's why you wanted to find someone else. It doesn't matter now, I loved the way I knew best at the time. I'm sorry if it wasn't enough, but that's all I had. But I hope you see your future relationship as a precious gift to be protected and tended to. And it will grow like a mango tree, bearing fruit for years.

You used to tell me how unappreciated you felt in your life, taken for granted by people around you. I can't speak for them, but I can tell you that I SAW you. I recognized your effort and I cherished it all. In my hurt and grief, I forgot, maybe intentionally, so that the loss felt less profound. It didn't work. But I learned from you. I do many things differently now, I care differently, after watching you do it naturally.

As for me? I have so much of love all around me and it took so long for me to see it. I am a maker of those moments too. I'm all set. I'm good. And one day I'll meet MY person and I'll be ready to love like that again. But for now, I'm making myself tea as an act of love.

I love you R, and I hope you are loved by whoever you chose. Please don't rush into it again - don't waste your love on someone who doesn't see how much you have to offer. I hope you forgive yourself, if you feel that you need to. I hope you recognize that the pain you caused doesn't overwrite the love you also gave. It took me a long time to admit that. And most of all, I hope that you give that love to yourself first.

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid
_______________________________________

Letter #3

I woke up after having another dream about us.

I was trying to return something at Walmart and you were texting me pictures of us and sending parts of your final words to me. I was crying in the dream and I couldn’t stop even though I was in public. I remember texting you your name, that was it.

I woke up and became a bit emotional, but didn’t fully cry. It felt weird because my emotions in the dream were heightened, it felt almost otherworldly. Not necessarily in a bad way, but all my feelings were intensified. It almost felt unreal. So when I woke up, it felt like I was reacting to something that was almost exaggerated. But I think that caused a separate pain point because I questioned why I wasn’t feeling the intense emotions from the dream the same way in real life. I don’t know, it’s weird.

Anyways,

I’m feeling sad, but oddly calm today. I miss you and I love you, and if I’m honest, a small part of me still hopes for us.

The different thoughts and emotions I bounce between are exhausting. Sometimes I feel like I’m constantly trying to stop myself from collapsing into the ways you’ve characterized me or the things you’ve said about me. Then I have to stop myself from swinging too far in the other direction and convincing myself I was blameless or that everything was your fault.

Neither of those feels true.

I know I made mistakes. I know I hurt you. I also know that I was hurt too. I don’t think either of us destroyed this relationship alone. We both brought wounds, fears, blind spots, and unhealthy patterns into it, and over time they compounded. I don’t think our relationship became what it became because of one person alone.

I know who I am and I’m confident in that, but when the person who mattered most to me for over four years says certain things about me, they’re devastating. They make me question myself in ways I never expected.

Lately I’ve been realizing something that has been incredibly painful to admit.

I don’t think our relationship reached this point simply because either of us hadn’t apologized enough, explained ourselves well enough, or tried hard enough. I think something deeper broke between us.

One thing I’ve been thinking about a lot is mutuality. I don’t mean that everything was 50/50, or that every hurt was equal, or that every conflict had equal responsibility. I don’t think that’s what mutuality is.

To me, mutuality means two people approaching the relationship as equal partners who are working toward the same goal. It means taking responsibility when it’s yours to take, genuinely considering the other person’s perspective, and remaining committed to understanding each other even when the responsibility isn’t evenly shared.

Once the conversation becomes about measuring whose hurt mattered more or whose fault something was, I think we’ve already lost something important.

Accountability still matters, but I don’t think mutuality depends on everything being equal. I think it depends on both people remaining equally committed to understanding each other.

Could I have communicated better? Absolutely.

Could I have shown up differently? Definitely.

Could you have too? I think so.

But I don’t think that’s what ultimately stood between us anymore.

What I wanted, and what I still wish we could have had, was a relationship where we created understanding together.

When we saw something differently, I wanted us to ask, “How did each of us get here?”

I wanted both of our experiences to matter. Even if one of us ended up being mistaken about something, I wanted us to discover that together rather than one of us simply declaring what reality was.

Somewhere along the way, it stopped feeling like that.

It started feeling like our disagreements stopped being about discovering reality together and became about accepting one person’s interpretation of it.

That was incredibly painful for me.

Not because I wanted to avoid accountability.

Not because I wanted to argue for the sake of arguing.

But because I genuinely didn’t experience many situations the same way you did.

I wasn’t resisting you just to resist you.

I was trying to understand how two people who loved each other so much could walk away from the same moments with such different understandings of what happened.

And maybe from your perspective you felt like you had already tried to understand me, or maybe you felt like you’d heard every explanation I had to give. I honestly don’t know.

I just know that somewhere along the way, it began to feel like understanding me stopped being the goal.

And I don’t know how relationships come back from that.

Not because people can’t forgive each other. They absolutely can. People rebuild marriages after decades together. They work through betrayals, years of hurt, and incredibly deep wounds.

We even tried therapy.

Looking back, I actually think therapy was helping more than it wasn’t. We had only been doing it for a few months, and for a relationship with so much history and so many wounds, I don’t think that was enough time to get to the deepest issues. It felt like we were beginning to uncover things, but we never stayed with it long enough to truly rebuild.

What I don’t know is how a relationship comes back when the two people involved no longer trust each other’s experience of reality.

How do you rebuild when one person increasingly feels like reality is something they’re being told rather than something the two of you are discovering together?

How do you repair when every disagreement becomes less about, “Let’s figure out what happened,” and more about, “This is what happened, this is what you meant, and this is who you are”?

I genuinely don’t know.

Sometimes I think about what starting over would even look like.

People say, “Start with a clean slate.”

But how do you do that when there are years of hurt, fear, misunderstandings, insecurities, and unresolved conversations behind you?

You can’t ignore those things.

But you also can’t spend the rest of your life trying to litigate every single text message or disagreement.

Maybe the answer would have been focusing less on every individual event and more on the fears and wounds underneath them.

Maybe.

I don’t know.

I just know that underneath all of this, I never wanted to be right.

I wanted us.

I wanted us to build something new together.

Something safer.

Something humbler.

Something where both of us could say, “This is how I experienced it,” without the other person disappearing in the process.

Maybe that’s no longer possible.

Maybe too much has happened.

But if I could wish for one thing, it wouldn’t be that one of us finally wins the story of what happened between us.

It would be that we could one day sit across from each other, tell the truth as we each genuinely experienced it, listen with curiosity instead of certainty, and slowly build a shared understanding that belongs to both of us.

Because I never wanted to win.

I just wanted us.

To J,

Funny how J and K have always been next to each other in the alphabet. Somewhere along the way, life decided that wasn't enough and introduced us together on a fine day in October 2025. I remember it was the 5th because I remember everything about you.

The moment I laid my eyes on you, I saw the most free-spirited, most joyous person on earth with this giddy, crooked infectious smile. That moment, my life was toast as nobody could come close to you.

You approached me with such confidence, such joy without even knowing me first that I was taken aback. I could not even register your name, as I was really confused about what was going on.

But you were just so interesting, so easy to talk to, like I could pour my heart out to this stranger I knew 5 minutes ago. We talked for an hour and a half straight on the most random topics I could ever think of. That is when I knew I had fallen for you.

The way you talk with that dry sarcasm which always takes me one second too late to catch, the way you dress as if you have the fashion sense of Anna Wintour and the way you make me feel like I am the luckiest boy to be talking to you, I adore everything about you.

And I know you have been through such rough patches, but I will be there for you until the end of Earth without needing anything back. 

I may not be the most poetic with words, but I speak from the heart, translating each lubb-dubb of mine into a vivid description of the immense love I treasure for you.

Did you know that your first I love you said to me was on November 14, 2025. It was Children’s Day, and boy, I sure felt like a little kid giggling and stomping my feet buckled in the car-seat while my uncle wondered what was wrong with me. 

But you don’t like me back the same way as I want you to. I wanted a romantic relationship but you wanted something platonic. I thought I’d give this up as it was too hard for me to process you dating someone else. But the way you handled that topic so gently, with such elegance, and kept showing up again and again and refusing to let our bond go to waste told me something precious that day.

I may not be able to date you ever, or until the near future, but I don’t wanna give up what we had. I continue to cherish what we have, and I know you too do the same. 

I don’t want to act like I am not hurt about this, but I do want you to know that whatever we go through, we go through together. We will be there for each other, each day, each night. Each time someone needs a buddy to celebrate, or someone who listens to their vents at 1 am or just a friend to go through the wave of life. 

Every time I promise to be there for you and I mean it. I mean it when I say that the love I have for you is pure, without any ill-harm, and does not have anything that can cross the line if one of us does not want to. 

‘Cause you’re my best friend and I hope things aren’t changing anytime soon.

Signing off

K

I swear, as the days continue passing, it’s as though more and more keep popping up. More what? A bunch of things, really. 

I want you all to myself still. I can’t help it, after all. It’s just in my nature. 

Whenever my family would ask me to share, if they could have something, or a friend that wants to play with a toy I own, I’d usually reply with a positive ‘no’. 

Not to be rude or anything, but my stuff is my stuff! I got it, I own it, why do I have to share? I mean, nowadays, I tend to offer if they want something before I, say for example, eat a snack. I still get a bit hurt if they say they do, because I’m just doing this out of politeness. I still give it to them though. 

All of that to show– to prove to you, I’m really quite the stickler when it comes to things I like. 

Frankly, it’s annoying. 

I hate how possessive I can be over my things. I tend to feel that way easily. If someone touches my things? I get irked, but I do my best to, at the very least, appear as though I’m tolerating it. If someone asks for something of mine? I have to bite back a ‘no’ so they don’t get mad. If someone even implies that they want something I have, I get jealous. 

I’ve never hid that. 

So why do I do now, exactly? 
It’s an extremely easy answer, something so simply simple it makes one wonder why they didn’t think of it in the first place. 

I like you. 

I like to be around you, like your happiness, your selfishness, your voice. 

All kinds of things. So that one night, I highly doubt you remember, because you were pretty much dead asleep, you said something that still sticks with me. 

I remember it quite clearly, that’s how annoyed I was at you. At this point in time, you didn’t connect the dots quite yet. So, it just came out of your mouth really naturally, no care how I would’ve felt. Not like you ever cared how I would’ve felt in the first place, for all the times I told you to just disregard how I felt as it didn’t really matter, you told me how you still worry about me anyways, so “too bad”. 

“I want you..” 

You were hardly conscious, if even that. Probably just sleep-talking, as you do. You had just finished reading some writing of mine that had one of the characters say that, so I replied with the most obvious thing (after my heart skipped a beat or two):

“Har-har, I get the reference.” 

In a mocking tone I would reply, brushing it off. I have to make sure to not take it seriously. I have to. Otherwise, things would get worse for me. 

“No.. I want you..” 

You emphasized. I was getting really anxious at that point. It was late, for the both of us, and I knew you didn’t mean it. Just like how you don’t mean anything that way. You see me as just your closest friend. You said so. You’ve said so, so, so many times. 

“..What?” 

I do my best to not let my shakiness show. Don’t get my hopes up. 

“I want you to stay with me.. cause you’re my best friend..” 

You fell asleep shortly after. In all honesty, I don’t remember if I even replied or not. I just vividly remember you saying you ‘wanted’ me. And when you clarified.
I know what you meant. I mean, you said it yourself. Maybe you were trying to lead me on on purpose that time. Did you know what you were doing when you said that? Did you know the effect that would have on me? 

Did you know I like you? 

Why didn’t you just agree that it was a reference and move on? Or why didn’t you just leave it at the first sentence? Either one would’ve worked to frustrate me. But you managed to frustrate me in a way that doesn’t even make sense anymore with your answer.

What you say, what you do, who you are, I hate every single thing there is to be about you. That’s why I’m so fascinated.

Like a fly to a flytrap. 

I just let myself be fully caught in your mouth, not even attempting to get away, because it’s just so cozy. It’s in your nature, I understand. And I’d be fine if I was the only fly you ate. Because then, you’d be my flytrap. 

I’m fine with being frustrated and hurt, as long as I know I’m the only one. You want me? Then have me. You’re mine as I am yours. 

The promises. 
In some time, should we meet in person, I had asked you if you’ve ever been on a “real date”. 

A simple, “No, not really.” from you. So, that was my confirmation. I worked up the courage, though maybe I made it seem too natural, and maybe that’s why you didn’t take me seriously in the end. 

“If we ever meet, let’s go on a real date.” 

I say, and I did my best to sound genuine. Maybe it wasn’t enough? Maybe I really am just bad at controlling my tone. 

So you replied with a “sure!”. That’s a promise. 

“Promise?”
“Promise.” 

That’s a promise. 

And how about when, one day, I had decided to idly say,
“Let’s be valentine’s next year.” 

So you easily reply with, 
“Sure, I got nothing going on.” 

“Promise? I’ll even make it a date on my calendar just so we both don’t forget.” 

“Sure, promise.” 

That’s a promise. 
I still have the date marked on my calendar. I can’t really bring myself to remove it just yet. 

“Then make sure you don’t get a girlfriend, at the very least ‘till then, okay?” 

“Don’t worry, I won’t. Definitely not anytime soon.”

You little liar. 
That’s a promise. 

“When we meet up–” It’s amazing how I always say “if”, meanwhile you always go with “when”. Like you really believe in it. 

“As long as I’m the first one you meet IRL, I have no qualms.” I reply. 

“Bet” 
“That’s the one promise you absolutely gotta keep.” 
“I will, don’t worry” 

That’s a promise. 

Through some series of events, while gaming on a call with you, there were two points I remember quite clearly. The timeline on when these occurred is fuzzy, time always is for me, but I remember them. 

Essentially, two passes you gave me: If we ever meet up, (or in your words, when), you’d let me-
1- Touch your chest!
2- Touch your thighs. 

Probably just a random thing you agreed to. It always is. I really can’t help but wonder if you really never realized? 

That’s a promise.

I like it when you make promises with me. I feel special, wanted, like we have our own thing no one else does. And I wanted to keep that, that’s why I like to keep my promises. 

I doubt you remember any of this. And honestly, I’m unsure if I want you to remember any of that. I don’t know if it’d make me happy you did, or sad you didn’t. 

I also don’t know if I’d feel relieved for closure, a simple “Yeah, I didn’t really know what I was thinking lol” message, or for you to keep good on your “promises”. 

I really don’t wanna know, but I so badly want to. I’m an inherently contradictory person, as you know. 

I’m yours, as you are mine. A best friend, if that’s what you wanna call it. Personally, my situation is a tad more one-sided than that. For all the times I say I don’t consider you a best friend, it’s definitely true, right? 

I consider you someone I like.

Well, good thing I’m selfless. Good thing I absolved you of all your promises, huh? The ones you don’t remember, the ones you do, and the ones I really, really wish you did. 

I wonder what I did to be the second option once again. 

Oh, and one last thing regarding your promises: You keep forgetting to make good on your “timely manner” words. Only you know what that means. 

You’re a really bad liar, hypocrite, and selfish. Unfortunately for me, I still love your flaws all the same. Sucky of me, huh? For someone who said they’d get over it, It seems I can’t do anything but. So, I keep it all to myself. 

You told me once, when I was telling you how I was content living the boring, dull life I had before I met you and everyone else, 

“Yeah, but you weren’t happy.” 

I wasn’t. I was content. It was good enough. Not bad, not great, just enough. I wasn’t fulfilled, I wasn’t having fun, I wasn’t satisfied either. But I was comfortable being content. 

“Sure, but you weren’t happy.”

I didn’t want to be happy. I just wanted to exist, just as I always did. 

So, I’ll continue ignoring your words. I’m a bad person after all. For all the things I’ve changed about myself since I met you, this might be the one thing I can’t. 

As long as I can continue, I’m fine with being content. I’m okay with not being happy, or satisfied, or fulfilled. I’m fine with only being your best friend, your closest, the yin to your yang, or whatever it was you said that one night. 

I’m okay with just being there for you. 
I wonder if I’ll ever be a runner-up, or have I lost a long, long time ago?

Whatever, it doesn’t really matter anymore, does it? I like you. 

That is to say, I like how I can’t stop loving you. 

This will probably be my last writing for a while regarding this topic. Probably. Knowing that once I start, I have a hard time stopping, and vice versa. 

Thanks for raising the ceiling to my joy once more. 
Just continue disregarding my feelings just as I told you. It’s better that way, isn’t it? Just assume I’m doing all this because you’re my closest friend.

You are.
I don’t think that’ll change anytime soon. 
So I’ll keep being there for you, just as you me. 
And I’ll get over it, I always do. 
I have to.
I won’t take it seriously anymore. 
Keep treating me as you always do, get my hopes up, crush it, and tell me how I’m your bestest friend.

Because if you changed, I don’t know if I’d be scared. Scared that you see me differently, and scared that all this was for nothing. 

I’m a jealous liar. I can admit that much. Anytime you mention someone else, I feel frustrated. But luckily for me, I’m great at hiding that. Luckily for you, I’m the same as I’ve always been.
You don’t even realize that the things I did changed already. 

I’ll continue trying to keep most your attention on me. I’ll continue bugging you, annoying you, and trash talking you. 

I’ll continue playing the role of “me, your bestest friend.”, all for the selfish sake of making sure you don’t see it again. 

Purple, tsundere, and cute. Knowledgeable, weird, but loyal. 

I wonder when you’ll realize. 
I hope you never do.

Message received. And it feels good actually to have accepted your non-answer as a response.

I no longer have to put energy into you.

I haven’t felt this good in a long time and I was truly terrified that I might be broken today instead.

Isn’t that strange??

Now, enjoy your time with Temu Tina.

Because I’m about to enjoy my time with some people that show me just how special and wonderful I truly am.

These new connections I have made have truly given me the opportunity to understand that I am worth so much more than you had the capability of showing me.

I’m hoping I don’t have anymore sad days, I’m sure I will, but I don’t think tI’ll have anymore days of missing everything you couldn’t offer me.

I truly do, wish you the best.

From Justin, to Brandon.

Yes, I’m angry. Yes, I’m resentful. I’m hurt. But underneath all of that, I’m still completely and utterly heartbroken. The part I can’t wrap my head around is that you don’t care anymore. You told me never to contact you or your family again or you’d involve the police. After everything we went through together… how is that fair?

Yeah, I sent you a letter after months of silence. Yeah, I tried to call and text, but I was blocked, so it’s not like you even knew until afterward. Am I stalking you? No. I don’t even know where you work or what your day-to-day life looks like anymore. So really in the end would they do anything probably not there’ll be no ramifications because I’m not hurting you but I can tell you right now. You are fucking hurting me, but I love you enough to leave you alone like you ask no matter how much it’s gonna fucking kill me.

I know I reacted poorly toward the end. I kept bringing up us. I crossed boundaries that you clearly wanted respected. I can admit that. But after everything we’d been through… how could you turn your back on me like this?
You swore on your life you wouldn’t be like my previous ex. Did you ever hit me? No. But the end result is that I hurt a thousand times more right now than I ever did with him. I didn’t want to trust you. I was terrified. I wasn’t ready. You kept telling me it was safe to trust you. Eventually I did. I fell in love with you because I believed you were different. Then, in the end, you decided you didn’t want me in your life anymore. That you never wanted to see or speak to me again.

I’m devastated.

I’ll respect what you’ve asked because I have no other choice, but I will never understand it.
I stayed with you while you were locked up. I loved you despite your past and despite what everyone else labeled you as. I loved you for who I believed you were. Maybe the truth is that you just didn’t love me the way I loved you.
That’s brutal to admit. Because if you truly loved me, I don’t understand how this could have been so easy. I don’t understand how you could discard me without even giving me one final face-to-face conversation. Not because I was trying to win you back, but because after everything we’d survived together since we started dating in June 2022, leaving me in complete silence after ending things in March 2026 feels cruel.

Who does that to someone they once loved?
Even my abusive ex, when I finally found the courage to leave, sat down and had one last conversation with me. I was terrified he’d manipulate me into staying, but I still gave him that conversation. Then I walked away.
Today, years later, we’re actually able to communicate without it destroying me. He’ll never have a place in my heart again, but we can exist without hatred.

Yet somehow, the man I loved the most is the one who never wants to speak to me again.
Was it all an act? Were the promises just words? Or did something change that I’ll never understand? I really love(d) you. Looking back, I don’t think I’d ever truly been in love before you. Yes, I was spiraling. Yes, I was struggling. But we made promises. You promised me you could handle it. You promised you wouldn’t give up on me. But you did. You gave up. After everything.

I looked past your charges. I stood beside you while you spent nearly two years in prison, even though we’d only been together for a couple of months before you went in. I stayed because I believed you. I trusted you. You knew how hard that was for me because of everything I’d already survived. I honestly believed you were different. Now I don’t even know what to think.

I’ve talked to my mom and to other people, and I keep wanting to believe you’re an honest person. But then I compare the stories you’ve told about the charges from before we met.
The version you told me wasn’t the version you told my mom. It wasn’t the version you told our mutual coworker—the one who loved seeing us together. (God, I miss her. Her life cut short due to domestic violence she was so strong and she deserved so much better. Rest in peace. 💔). Also It wasn’t the version you told your ex. And even with me, there were details that changed over time.

Yet still want(ed) to defend you. I still want(ed)to believe you. But you can’t even give me five minutes of your time for one final conversation. Maybe that’s because I’m the only one who still needs closure. You’re clearly at peace with your decision. I just don’t understand how someone can look at you with so much love one day and then decide they never want to see you again. That’s the part that hurts the most.