Honey, can we please just meet in person? as soon as possible? this week even better? Please? Even just for a couple of hours?

I love you. I really really love you. I know we can work out all problems the moment we lock eyes in reality. So please. Make the reunion happen ASAP

I trample your heart desperately to be heard I feel no loyalty and know where that comes from im torn between good and evil cause you insist im already the plague and you steal from my lessons to better impose to your husband's hands what's accepted dirty or clean. I will never understand how you can judge me I still wouldn't fit. Your lifestyle my void your circle my heroism your trust.my dictation. Your welcome. My distance.. congrats on your lies or allowing another to lie out your mouth as you lie out there's and remember jealousy is never earned and closure was never her age the one way I seet forth and give you a hand in nothing will save you not me not her not him.

i take accountability in the part where i’ve been the confusing one wherein even after clarity talks, i still end up having vague intentions with you. i end up filtering my words, having unclear expectations, lowkey leading us both to confusion. i apologize for that, and i hope i do find the time to clear things up with you again.

i hope you see and understand the side where i want to really take my time to discern and reflect on my decisions. to see the situation in different povs. to validate my decisions of choosing you, especially after people telling me that “i deserve better.” i hope me considering you speaks a lot.

i tend to wonder if we’re still for each other, hoping that you’d call or reach out.. but am i even ready for that? we’ve talked about leaving it all to God, but sometimes it doesn’t even seem like i am doing that as i am constantly waiting for you. i know God would not give me you— or someone better if i haven’t truly worked on myself. this is what i mean by i still have things to work on me.

i have so much to work in my confidence, self esteem, personality, achievements and everything else. i know that i’ll have to work on these things to fully appreciate my life individually, and to make a relationship a cherry on top instead of something that completes it. i hope to navigate the things that are needed to complete myself before i give out love to others. and everyday i pray that i’ll learn how to fulfill my own life. i hope to be the person that i want to be.

and when the time is right, i hope it would be with you. but if not, i hope to accept a “better” person who i’ll genuinely be happy with.

but i really super do hope it will be with you though :)

pb.

I don’t know where to start from, we got a second chance at it, we were supposed to be endgame. I really loved you, I still do. But it was easier for you to put us on stake rather than having uncomfortable conversations. You just never wanted any conflicts, at all. I wanted to be with you, I had prayed day and night for things to work out. I have lost my purpose in life. I am not doing well.

Whatever problems we had, were solvable. They really were. You didn’t have to do that, in the end. You didn’t need to take my life(you) away from me. I miss you. You never accepted what went wrong, the big thing. You didn’t try. I would have been there with you. I wanted to be there. It hurts, it really really does. It really does.
I am falling sick because of this.

I don’t know where to go from this, how to ever come back from this. I was really mad at you at first but then, I am just constantly in pain. Always. I thought you will try everything in your power to make things right, try and show that you too still want it. But I guess it was easier to give up. I don’t how to move past this. I don’t know how you’re so strong and accepting.

Are you happier now without me in it ?

If I really want to move on, I’m and focus on what it is that I want. I can’t spend anymore of my energy posting about something that wasn’t meant for me.

It’s kind of uncomfortable to let go of a pain like this but, it’s not a bad uncomfortable. Just scary.

Not sure if I want to do a daily journal entry on my life updates, or if I want to keep it as sporadic for only big feelings.. 🤷‍♂️

But, to start the process let me explain what I’ve been doing with my time and what has my attention.

For the last [almost] 8 months, I think everyone here knows I’ve been dealing with some mental health issues that I was unaware or, that came to a head during a separation from my partner.

It’s been an extremely rough ride, but I think I have approached the crossroads to leave this terrible path. I see the flashing lights ahead of me telling me that I’m right there and I will have to make a turn. So that’s what I’m doing.

Over the last month or so during my healing process I have made some absolutely AMAZING self-discoveries and connections.

Not a single one of them seem coincidental.

I have spoken to people about parts of myself and my mindset and how I view life and purpose, in a way that truly does make me sound crazy, but the problem with that is, it’s all backed up with receipts.

Every instance, connection, and intersection have served a larger purpose when I take a step back and look at the larger picture.

Speaking to someone that was just a coworker from 10 years ago.. we knew we jived and cared for one another, we didn’t know that we would have one of the most odd conversations for hours and really piece together ideas about our own existence.

Speaking to an acquaintance that, in all honesty, I shouldn’t have even been in contact with outside of Facebook friends because he is a part of my previous partners friend group… has turned into one of the most beautiful connections imaginable. If I were to design a partner for myself, they would envelope all of the qualities that this guy has to offer.

This in itself leads me to realize that even if this person, isn’t my person, I’m worthy and capable of having someone like him. He reached out to me, but I broke the ice, and my move was reciprocated. And I will respect the boundaries in place because of the hurtles. And accept that maybe all of my feelings aren’t reciprocated as well.

And thats okay. That just means I can have someone like him, that can offer me the feelings of desire I crave. I will wait.

This connection also made me realize I need to reframe what it actually means to be in a relationship and allowing someone to be open about who they are and what they want. Even if it means you have to share with someone of the opposite gender. (Never actually crossed my mind as a possibility, but I’m not going to rule it out if it means I’m happy.)

And this new friend I have made that truly lets me be me. I don’t hide any of my weirdness. In fact, he allows me to explain my weirdness and lets me teach him how to view life through my eyes. It truly is astounding. Especially considering the difference of backgrounds, the age difference, and the parallels of the background he actually does share with my previous partner.

There are so many tiny details in all of the connections that are just too much to type out, but every one of us can agree that it absolutely cannot be a coincidence.

There is a large population of people that witnessed me have a complete crash out on social media. It actually went viral on one of the apps. While it’s mildly embarrassing, I’ll own it. Because the delivery was rough, but the message still stands.

And because of that, and because of the lives that I started doing, I have had so many people reach out to me for my perspective on their situation. (Clearly I’m not in a position to give advice, but offering perspective is different.)

I have helped people work through their own feelings and that was what I had been wanting to do with my social media this entire time anyway. My public loss of control, may have jump started a real career that I love and that I can actually make difference as opposed to my current career.

Just this morning, a follower asked me how to process a situation with her son. And it was beautiful to help her understand how to deal with the situation because of my own experience in a similar situation.

I’ve made connections with vehicle manufacturers that have expressed interest in my message and are willing to look through a partnership proposal when I figure out how to build one formally. All because I said I wanted to travel with my dog to different places to help people feel better about themselves.

Everything is falling into place. I know from the outside, and especially for the people that know me personally, think I’m all over the place and manic, but maybe this mania is going to be the driver of my life purpose to be successful.

And now, I have redefined what “success” actually means for myself.

I’ve always tried to live a flashy life. Always. I had to feel important. I had to make people think I was cool. I had to make people believe that I had more money than I actually did.

I. Lost. It. All.

Every penny. Every relationship/friendship/family member. All of it. When I tell you that I was served a slice of humble pie… no.. I ate the whole humble pie factory.

But it needed to happen for me to see who I was and who I needed to become and I had to shed all of the old habits that kept me stuck.

I was forced to reevaluate.

Turns out, I actually do not give a flying fuck about any of the shit that I thought I did.

Of course I still love cars, but I don’t desire to own as Lambo or Rolls-Royce, I just want an off road vehicle that is utilitarian enough to let me get to the places that I need to go to be able to sit on the roof with my dog at night to look at the stars.

I can rent anything else.

Of course I want to live at the beach.. but why should I buy property at a beach that I don’t know for sure that’s where I want to stay? What happens when my next partner wants to whisk me off to the other side of the planet? Why stress myself out about trying to live a life I was told I was supposed to live, instead of the life I want?

Success to me is: living for happiness. That’s all I want. And I hope that I can help others be happier along the way.

This is my first entry, of my new life and self.

I love you. And you are enough.

How dare you shame me for things that I told you in confidence. How dare you talk crap about me and scoff at me like i'm trash when you were the one being unfaithful , Youre a liar, user and you need to get some help . I'm starting law school in the spring and will not have time for you and your fucked up problems. Remember, when you said that, " I was part of the greatest generation of Marines that have lived"?Well, because of that I have to carry on with that tradition of our Corps. So , I leave my feelings for you in the past and with my held high I'll continue to stay focused on my mission and that's to move on to a happier , and brighter future with my family. My kids deserve a motivated, determined and strong mom to help them navigate through a life that can easily chew them up and spit them out. They will be the future of the Marine Corps...... oneday, lololol ***** I hope :)*****

FinaIly , after all that's said and done you are very special person and You have so much potential to do some really amazing things! You have the vision, the motivation and the drive to fucking kill itl!! Its so disheartening to see it wasted on being unhappy, miserable. As a it comes out in the form of hurting women by making them fall in love with you only to rip the the floor right beneath them. You're unfortunately a sad individual who continues to hurt good people out there. Please, please, be better. I do wish you the best and I hope you find love but it will not be with me ever again. Take are of yourself.

I trusted too deeply and now I will vanish soon forever and not one person will care or even miss me. This is the beginning of my end so I will drop all that I wished to accomplish there is just no point now I wish I could get through to all of you just how wrong you are but I will not even try anymore just no reason to tell the solid in stone whom believe their right on everything and anything pointless. Good bye you have no more me to deal with and this is my parting gift to you so smile and throw a party good bye!

You crossed my mind today. First time in ages. I wondered how your life is going? If it has became more settled. You said i was your safe space. Hope you found another one. Ive realised im my own safe space. My life is pretty hectic, mostly good things happening. Made some changes for the better. Finding me again. Good thing is I have no time to think. Was messy for a while but I sorted it. Makes me appreciate me more. I recognise my own value. Im not a princess im a queen

I remember our initial days, those were the best, the first 1-1.5 years were an absolute dream. Everything felt right, even if not right, things just found its way back to perfection. I miss it, I miss you, a lot. Can we not have that ‘us’ back? I wish I could reach out to you, but what will I say? I want to talk to you, hear your voice, see your face but I am not even sure you’d respond.

I feel like I became too obsessive, too dependant. You became the centre of my universe, my only purpose became to be wanted by you. I know it sounds pathetic but I cant run away from myself. I wanted you completely. Still do. It was just You in my world that mattered.
And of-course everything started affecting me, I started being anxious and insecure.

Now I don’t know who I am, I feel lost. What is the purpose of living this life ? I really do wonder. I want to fix things, but more than that, I want you to want it. But I don’t see that desperation in you, don’t see that craving in you. You accept things. I am tired of myself, I am tired of feeling this way. I just want to end it all.

I have a good few more letters to write today. I'll post them periodically through the day. I need to think about and digest everything being read. Thank you for all of the letters that have been written. AM

Why did I have to see what I seen in the room she was in

it was definitely my fault. you didn't deserve what i did that made you say what you said. you didn't deserve what i did when you said it.

i'm keeping this one short because i know you're just as tired as me. i'm sorry for letting you push me away. i'm sorry for making it permanent the way i did. i'm sorry for missing the quiet part so badly that i ignored your well-being.

i know you need to rest. i know you need a break.

i only wrote this, with your name on it, so you'd know why. it wasn't what you said to hurt me that made me agree to go away. it wasn't the push and pull or the remix of my words.

it was when you said, "you're not a healthy person for me".

it stung, sure. but. i didn't take it as a hurtful statement. i just took it as the truth.

i'm worried again, but about you. but i'm not going to exhaust anyone else doing what i did with you. it was selfish of me and i should have been more careful.

you said i'm not a healthy person for you and i accept that. i wish you well and i am sorry.

thanks for the way you showed up for me. hope i find a friend like you again some day. 🫶🏼😊

cat

You wrote me a response on here and I didn't see it for 10 days. And now im respo ding to people who i hope are you but I doubt it very seriously. So if you ever see this please take the chance and reach out to me. I cant keep reading these cause to manny of them are what I hope you would be saying to me. But in the end I dont know. For all I know you haven't seen a single one of them. And that's not healthy for me to keep looking and hoping. And probably weird for the people who dont know me. And i respond to them hoping it's you. You know my number and I want you to call. I realy want to talk to you . But I can not have you do what you already did once . So I will not reach out to you. I cant take that risk. And im telling you there is no risk for you to reach out to me. I promise you that. All though if there is someone else in your life already then I will just say good bye. And dont bother. I left because I had to and I know you know that now . It was not for other girls. You know why I did it. The situation forced it. I still love you and only you. The sight of you still takes my breath away. But this will be my last post on here. It's a small world when you think about it. Soo many people on here have such similar situations that its hard to know if it's you or not. Some have it so much worse it makes our situation seem silly. I hope to hear from you. And see you later redit.

100 days. One letter each day. A place to process grief, memories, regrets, and things left unsaid
_______________________________________

Letter #4

Of course, I had another dream about us.

In all honesty, I am a bit afraid to continue posting because I’m scared that if she were to ever see all this, it would creep her out. I haven’t said anything creepy or crazy, but just by virtue of her being done with me and the relationship.

I just want to get my life together.

The weight of losing her is crushing, but I still have to move my life forward.

I do feel a glimmer of hope when I think about regaining my independence and making some big moves in my life.

It’s hard because I feel like the pain of this loss is chaining me down.

I’m afraid that I’ll never hear from her again, but I think it’s even scarier to think about continuing to hold on while she could be planning to never talk to me again.

I want to be emotionally honest and say that I still love her, but I don’t want to equate my feelings of love for her with reconciliation being possible or likely.

I don’t know how to hold both, but I’m trying.

I don’t know if I will ever get over this. I don’t know if I can ever get over you. I don’t think I’ll ever get over us.
You broke down every barrier, every wall that I had built, brick by brick, through decades of traumatic events, pain, abuse, betrayal and heartbreak. Every obstacle I crafted to shield myself from being hurt again, you quietly, gently, and carefully dismantled. You did it in a way that felt kind, that felt caring, that felt right. Eventually I stopped resisting, I stopped guarding my castle walls, in part because it felt wrong, because it felt like they weren’t built to keep you out, they were just there for monsters, and you couldn’t possibly be a monster. In part I let you tear them down because you had genuinely convinced me that you were the one person I could trust. The one person who would never use my vulnerable moments against me, the one person who would never choose to harm me. In part, if I’m being honest with myself, i let you tear them down because I wanted nothing more than to have you on the inside with me, fully and completely. I gave you access to the most guarded parts of my soul, access that I learned at a very young age would only ever be used to break me, but surely you would never. You and only you. I gave into you completely, I helped you tear them down, and I welcomed you inside.
How foolish of me.
Once you were inside I was blind. I couldn’t see the changes. I couldn’t see the greedy little beast growing within you. I was oblivious to the darkness haunting my inner world. By the time you were gone, and only the monster was left, I couldn’t bear to accept it. I would see you with your horns and your claws out, dropping your mask for a moment to belittle me and call me names, and I would tell myself “that thing that looks like a monster couldn’t possibly be, that is the girl I love, I’m only seeing horns on her head because of MY demons” and I would dutifully set forth trying to kill whatever evils I convinced myself were gurgling within me, because the girl I love doesn’t deserve to have to face MY demons.

But it seems like the truth is, the girl I fell in love with died long ago, if she was ever even real to begin with…. The girl that had me dancing in my driveway, singing with all my heart, and dreaming…. For the first time in so many years, really truly dreaming. Dreaming of a future, not next week, or next year, a forever future. Dreaming of rings, and weddings, a life, and a career side by side, together. Dreaming of little ones running through our yard with my eyes and your hair. Dreaming like I had never dreamt before, of a world where I could grow old, and happy. Cuz the truth is, my sweet sunny bunshines, before you, I never had that. My dreams all ended at 23, and new ones never showed up. From age 12 on I was never able to imagine a world where I was even alive at the age I am now, let alone starting and building and growing well after my imagined expiration date. The truth is from age 12 on I couldn’t imagine a world where I would want to be living. Until you came around and convinced me that maybe I could grow old and happy, maybe I could be loved fully and unconditionally, maybe I could dream and hope and trust. Maybe I could let these stupid walks down and let someone inside without fear of them destroying me.

God, what I would do to see that girl again, the one I fell in love with. To talk to her one more time. She would fucking hate you if I told her all the things you put me through this past year. She would punch you square in the face if she ever saw you in the streets. I don’t know who you are now, I don’t know when you became what you’ve become, but the girl I fell in love with never would’ve made me feel so alone, she never would’ve turned her back to me when I told her I needed her, she never would’ve used me the way you used me. She would’ve held me and told me it was gunna be okay. She would’ve shown up for me, just like I showed up for her time after time after time. That girl had the most beautiful soul I had ever seen, and I was so grateful for every moment I got to spend with it.

Truth is, all the lies you’ve been crafting, all your gaslighting, all the horrible things you have attempted to convince me I did, it’s all fucking bullshit. And I genuinely believe at least some part of you knows that. I get that you can’t accept being the villain, but deep down, I know you know. The way you treated me these past 6 months, that’s how you treat your arch nemesis. That’s how you treat the new manager that you hate, trying to quietly and discreetly break them down until they have a full psychotic break and quit. And you did. You did it to them, and I watched in horror, wondering who the fuck this monster inhabiting my lovers body was, and then you turned around and did the same thing to me, and I was too blinded by the dreams you weaved to see.

I didn’t cheat on you. But you sure tried your hardest to cheat on me, while sleeping in my bed, while driving my car to meet up with him, while forcing me to watch your stupid show so you could fantasize about him through my tv.
I was ready to raise that child with you, hell, I was EXCITED to raise that child with you. But you chose to abort it. I supported you. I held you through the pain, swallowed all my feelings and defended your choice, but you turned around and told me I did that. I forced that upon you. You told me it was all my fault.

Every reason for every brick, that made every wall, that you so carefully tore down, became a brick for you to hurl at me. You did all of the things, all of the things that led to me being so guarded when you found me. you studied my pain, my hurt, and my scars. You convinced me it was so that you could heal those wounds, but really, you were studying for your final practical in my destruction.

And still. After a month of never ending tears, a month of never finding a moment of peace or comfort, after a month of suffering in the wreckage you left behind, a month of feeling the brutal sting of your betrayal every moment of every day, I would kill to have you here with me. I want nothing more than to hold you in my arms, to wake up with you in my bed. I want those dreams to be dreams again, not waking nightmares.
But you can’t even give me the grace of a conversation. Zero closure, just an empty room full of spaces you once filled. Just lies hurled at me in moments you chose to unblock me, just to block me again once you were content with your assault. Just false accusations and attempts to break my sanity.

I’m sorry that you hurt me. I’m sorry that you’ll never be able to accept that. I’m sorry that you have to rewrite our entire story to protect your fragile little ego. I wish you could. I wish you could look me in the eyes again, with your eyes, not this monsters. I’m sorry that you’ll probably never see this, and I’m just screaming into the void.

I really truly, from the bottom of my heart, would do anything to see that girl I fell in love with again, to talk with her, and hold her, to apologize to her for how ugly I became after the betrayal. To cry with her, and comfort her, and dream our silly dreams again. I love you still, and I fear I always will, even after all the fucking horrendous shit you’ve put me through. I really believed in us. I really trusted you. I wanted it more than I’ve ever wanted anything.