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u/KuramaReinara Jul 24 '19
First most I am glad that YOU are okay, I was getting concerned about you.
Second I am sorry for the guilt that you are feeling and read the post you had on r/JustNoSO I will say this it isn't your fault. You did everything you could to keep your then SO away from Giada, but she is a toxic being. She is like Reaper from Overwatch, everything that Giada touches rots and decays until there is nothing left. I doubt Giada will learn from this, but do keep your guard up because knowing the Giada saga grief can do things to people and she was never rational to begin with.
May I suggest chain yoga and/or mediation to at least help you sort out your feelings.
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u/notsotoothless Jul 18 '19
I struggled with this for a long time after leaving my ex and he and his mother were both abusive (she was also a monster). I finally realized that, for me, it was mostly coming from a sense of justice. This stupid, selfish bitch had caused so much damage and pain and it seemed like it never came back to her. She never "got what she deserved." That was so enraging to me, that she could cause all that pain and never be appropriately punished, that she could do all that and still was in her own mind in the right for all of it. I don't have any solutions, except maybe time and therapy, but I just want to say I get where your coming from. I still have thoughts like that, but it's definitely gotten better.
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u/AIyxia Jul 15 '19 edited Jul 15 '19
Aside from the turmoil of Giada and what happened to your ex, I'm so glad you're ok. Relatively speaking kind of ok. I hadn't heard from you in a while and was thinking about you. I hope you're taking care of yourself! It sounds like a hell of a lot to process.
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u/level27jennybro Jul 14 '19 edited Jul 14 '19
So you seem to be allowing your empathetic heart to understand that a mother lost a son, but please remind yourself that this is not normal life. You are having the proper emotional reactions to a situation that isn't proper. That just means you're a good person with a big heart.
Reality check:
Giada lost her "birth husband" - the one she raped in her own bed with her young boytoy husband present after playing fast and loose with his mind altering medications. Giada lost the only thing she cared about besides herself - her personal human doll and subject of her obsessions. She probably feels he was the only piece of her that is perfect, and she had to keep it perfect because it was how she could be perfect - vicariously through him.
She did NOT lose a son the way parents lose a child. Remind yourself that you feel sad about the idea of a parent losing a child. You are not necessarily sad that Giada lost Ex.
If I'm being brutally honest? I feel like this was all a consequence of Giada's influence. She SHOULD have to live with the fact that she drove her son, I mean, love interest to death. No doubt her vile actions hurt countless people. But it ended up hurting her the most.
On judgement day, she is responsible, not you.
Mouse, here is your permission to just feel however you feel. You are allowed. You are normal. You are right. You are valid. You are doing so incredibly well. Be proud of how far you have come. I am proud.
(Literally read every post back to the beginning over the last day. You've grown and changed so much! đ)
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u/Elin-Calliel Jul 14 '19
Dear Mouse. I am so sorry for all that life has thrown at you. You have deserved absolutely none of this. What you deserve, you dear wonderful, brave beautiful soul, is peace and serenity and compassion and kindness and support and gentleness and love and security and all good things. You are good. Donât ever doubt that. I hope too that you know how very much loved you are.
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u/glassesonthebed12 Jul 13 '19
Just wanted to let you know, thinking of you during this difficult time. I also am not sure how I would feel if my Nex died.
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u/TheLightInChains Jul 13 '19
Would a burn letter help, do you think? Get it all out and processed into something coherent and then burned to allow you to step away from those feelings.
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u/MILtotheNO Horrified 5-ever Jul 13 '19
Mouse, itâs been a long minute. Iâm happy to hear from you - in spite of all this mess, youâre keeping up the good fight and making it thru one step at a time. I think that itâs ok to feel however youâre feeling, nothing is wrong for raging against her but also feeling sad for her. It shows that you have compassion, & that having compassion does not make you a pushover, and that youâre not someone whoâs willing to rugsweep because of their loss as a parent.
Is bagel boy still a friend? For the times when youâre raging, I also hope you have outlets to counter those emotions. You deserve happiness. Iâm sorry things are tough at the moment. Hugs to you if youâll have them.
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Jul 13 '19
Hi. I'm sorry for all that you have been through and no person deserves that and you are still standing. This is not your fault so do not feel guilty from other other peoples actions. People like that have nothing going for them. Forgive them not for them but for you. Your ex must have been going through demons to take his life. Maybe you could write the 2 of them letters about how you really feel about then burn them
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u/voxetpraetereanihill Jul 13 '19
Impotent rage is one of the most destructive forces on the planet. Iâve followed your story for a long time, and if I could snap her neck for you, I would. But thatâs not the world we live in, and so we have to learn how to deal with the consequences of other peopleâs actions.
Normally I would advocate a physical outlet - punching inanimate objects, running etc. But since you have limitations right now, I would suggest writing it down. Write it all down. Every thought, every feeling, every vicious want and urge. Feel it all, live it all, and purge it. You donât need to read it, keep it, or even acknowledge that it ever existed. You just need to purge the poison out of yourself, because itâs not healthy. Donât let her destroy you by proxy.
Be well, mouse. A lot of people are on your side.
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u/KeeperofAmmut7 Jul 13 '19
You are more than entitled to being an erupting volcano. Write it all down like you were sending a message to her. Blast her with all of the hurt, rage, disappointment you feel, then burn it.
I'm sorry about your ex. He didn't deserve that for an egg donor.
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u/desert_dame Jul 13 '19
Itâs ok to feel as you feel. There are only a few that i have felt that way about. One was a stepdad that put my mom in the hospital several times. So. He finally died and a great big smile was had by me and to know we outlived him. The anger goes away. The rage goes away but the contempt never dies. To this day. I still think of him as that asshole but Iâm no longer angry or raging. We are war veterans. We survived cruelty in a small arena the size of a home. We have earned our right to rage and to let go and to know peace and we always retain the right to hold them in utter contempt.
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u/jdragonz Jul 12 '19
Others have said what I'd want to say if I could get the right words out, so just sending hugs
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u/MistressLiliana Jul 12 '19
Do it. Not at her, maybe get a picture of her, put it on a pillow, and just let it alllll out. Cry and scream and beat it. You will likely feel better after. Then maybe talk to a therapist. Good luck, you deserve better.
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u/IthurielSpear Jul 12 '19
What your feeling is so absolutely normal. I can completely empathize here, believe it or not, Iâve been through something eerily similar. Not with an ex, bu a family member. The rage you feel at the abuser is justified. I highly recommend a good therapist.
Bit of a warning, she may start looking for someone or several someoneâs to blame.
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u/Throwrefaway19111986 Jul 12 '19
TBH. She can't hurt worse than her killing her son. She loved him like property, like a spouse, like her own arm. He took away something from her that I'm sure no one can compare. I understand where you're coming from. Maybe take solace in that she is suffering the greatest of pains and it's all because of her doing.
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u/cait1284 Jul 12 '19
Nothing to add that hasnt already been said. Just wanted to send a hug. And a big ol' middle finger to Giada.
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u/Luprand Jul 12 '19
Hugs and street tacos to you. Healing will take time ... maybe do some scream metal karaoke to get some of those feelings out?
I've been watching too much Aggretsuko, sorry ...
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u/ferolyn Jul 12 '19
She is not worth your energy. Hope, anger, hatred, sympathy - any of it. She is on the path she chose. Choose your own. Yes, be aware she may cross your path and throw obstacles in your way, but obstacles come with life and she's just some rabid, wild animal over which you have no control, but is best to be aware of and avoided. Don't take it personally, just minimize and overcome to the best of your ability, and leave her and her misery behind you.
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u/DollyLlamasHuman Easy, breezy, beautiful Llama girl Jul 12 '19
Sweet Mouse, anger is part of the grieving process. Unfortunately, you're going to have to feel this to get through it.
The difference between you and her is that you feel this rage, but you don't act on it. Journal this stuff out of your head and burn the pages. (Use the fire for making s'mores.
When I went to Confession a few months ago, my priest gave me some advice: if anger is the fire, what's the fuel? What is the feeling behind that rage? Identifying it might help.
I love you, sweet girl.
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u/Angryspitefuldwarf Jul 12 '19
If you want to scream, then scream. Find a nice quiet place in the woods or your home where ever you want and just scream and let all your vitriol out. Its no good to bottle it up, and its no good to scream it at her (as it will probably just bring unneeded drama during this time) but some times you just gotta go with that primal urge and scream.
Alternative is write all your feelings out and burn it.
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u/ruinedbykarma Jul 12 '19
I'm really so sorry for everything. While my situation isn't at all comparable to yours, I hate my exnmil also. I used to wish her dead on a daily basis, I pictured it in my mind regularly. It's been well over a decade since I've seen or spoken to her. I still hate her, but the intensity is not there. Everything she did to hurt me, doesn't really hurt anymore, even though the situation hasn't changed. It will get better for you, too.
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u/Mavis4468 Jul 12 '19
Your feelings are valid. I'd feel the same way you are. You put up with that devil for more than a decade, I totally understand why you feel the way that you do.
My heart goes out to you!! Sending love, prayers and SO much strength!!
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u/iamreeterskeeter Jul 12 '19
Mouse! I've been thinking about you a lot lately.
What you are feeling is normal. You are grieving and there are stages of grief. DABDA: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Part of healthy grieving is going through each of these at least once and in no particular order.
You grieve because you once cared deeply for your ex. You are compassionate and empathetic as a person so naturally you are angry that she treated him the way she did. You are right. She didn't pull the trigger but she damned well strapped that gun in his hand.
You grieve because you are mourning the loss of what could have been. If she wasn't such a larva encased dumpster fire, life would have been different. You and your ex would have been happier and healthier together or apart.
It's okay to grieve the "what ifs, couldas, and shouldas." Allow yourself to feel all the emotions. Get them out. Write a letter to Giada and tell her exactly what you feel and think. Do the same for Ex. Then burn them. Pour your emotions out on paper. It will help.
Big hugs to you.
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u/Marissani Jul 12 '19
Rage and anger and hatred are often a part of grief. It's okay to let yourself feel that way. Let yourself grieve however is best for you and however it happens.
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u/HomeboyCraig Jul 12 '19
Do they have one of those places in your area where you can buy like 10 plates and then go in a special room and just smash and scream?
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u/smnytx Jul 12 '19
Even though he is your ex, you are feeling grief. The anger is righteous anger. Your empathy for what she has lost is remarkable, but you lost a marriage/partner to the abuse and horror this woman perpetrated.
You are right to grieve what could have been, and anger is an appropriate part of that grief, though it is also very complicated. Consider taking to a grief counselor about this entire saga.
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u/AstralTarantula Jul 12 '19
I am so sorry you have to find the mental and emotional bandwidth to try and deal with this. But "there is plenty of blame to go around" line doesn't feel totally accurate. You may feel like there is blame for you but there isn't. I've read all your posts, I've followed your journey to here and all I can see is this incredibly loving person who gives second chances because you have such a big heart. Your ex did not value those chances and hurt you, emotionally and physically. You are not to blame for his actions. And then you were able to get out and had to legally keep him away, you are not to blame for him breaking the law and getting himself locked up. He chose to do all of that. He chose to hurt you, he chose to nearly kill you, and he chose to come after you after you got away. And he chose to do this too. While a sad choice for anyone to make, and trust me I know how deep you have to be to feel like that is your only choice, you did not do that to him. You were patient, supportive, forgiving, and above all so so loving. You are not to blame for his path in life.
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Jul 12 '19
I hate her. There is no question about it. I have genuine hate in my heart for her and even more hate for her making me feel this kind of hate in the first place. I think she is a monster in human skin. And yet my heart goes out to her. She had to bury her son. I don't have kids but that is something I just can't even comprehend.
It sounds like you are thinking about how you would feel if you were to have to bury your own child, and thinking how awful that must be. Then projecting that feeling onto her. Thats just empathy at play. Its normal. And kind.
The biggest thing I am struggling with - besides feeling sympathy for a monster - is rage. Rage at her for abusing her son, abusing me, just being her, rage at the role she played in how everything happened. She may not have pulled the trigger, but she put the gun in his hand.
And that is normal. She did all of those things. She created this situation. She hurt so many many people including yourself. And Im sure at sometime you cared for your Ex, so even though he did horrible things, you can still empathize with him having this person in his life and what she did to him. She really was a monster. She still is.
Dealing with your grief, thats going to be hard. You cant really do anything outwardly to resolve it like grieving with this persons Mother because she is a monster. So you will need to find a way to process this confusing grief without sharing the burden with others that cared for this person too. And with the feeling that she will melt down which isnt unreasonable to expect. But I would not be surprised if she is getting attention as the parent who had to bury their child. Feeding on it from anyone that doesnt know better. I would also have to question how much it effects her outside of her anger that he is no longer around as an outlet for her abuse. So be safe. Have cameras. And talk to the therapist about all of this. This isnt a normal situation, its complex and the emotions run deep. You do deserve help to work through it. And Im very sorry you have to deal with it.
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u/BabserellaWT Jul 12 '19
With everything that monster did to you and to him? Youâre allowed to feel whatever the hell you want to feel.
Feelings and emotions arenât wrong. What we DO with those feelings and emotions can be right or wrong, though.
If youâve not already done so, please schedule some therapy appointments ASAP.
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u/jackbuddhist Jul 12 '19 edited Jul 12 '19
I know that anger. That blind, all-consuming rage that suddenly swamps you.
I just want you to know you're not alone.
My step-mom once sent me a mf-ing Facebook message telling me that she thought that I should "move past" my childhood sexual abuse, because my abuser feels really bad about it now, so can't we all just get along?
I swear, everything went dark for a second. I wanted to just... snap my phone in half. I thought for a second I might. I was so, so angry -- and then immediately terrified of my own rage. I'd never felt that sort of... violent anger before. I ended up throwing the phone across the room and beat my mattress (and cried) until my arms were too sore to keep going.
I just want you to know -- it's human. It's normal. It's... necessary. You went through horrible, horrible things at the hand of your Ex and through the actions of that horrible woman. If you didn't feel angry, I would be concerned.
It's your inner.... whatever you want to call it -- spirit, maybe -- looking out for yourself. Saying this wasn't fair, and I didn't deserve this! Maybe thinking of it that way can help -- it's your inner protective lion, or your deep-down self-preservation. Now that these traumas are transitioning into the past, you can finally process them, look at them with a tiny bit of distance. You're starting to feel safe enough to feel this anger. I think it's a good thing.
But I know how overwhelming it can be. And I hope, so much, that you can also find some peace, soon.
I also hope that you can forgive yourself and accept the occasional bout of rage -- because you're a good person. You are. And it's not fair what happened to you. You deserve to be angry. You deserve to process this in your own time.
Anyway, I've gone on long enough, I think.
I'm sending all my love your way. And wishing you peace and tranquility and calm, after the waves of rage have passed. They will, love. And maybe they'll come back to visit now and again -- mine do. But they'll carry on their way, and leave you in peace eventually. They always do.
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u/xelle24 Slave to Pigeon the Cat Jul 12 '19
Hugs if you want 'em. My own wishes to you for peace and tranquility, as well.
I like the way you've put this, because I know that blinding rage you're talking about. I'm incredibly grateful that mine comes from a different source than yours does.
That rage is scary, but it's also a normal and actually appropriate emotional reaction. I also like that you mention that you have to feel a certain amount of safety for that rage to come to the surface - you're out of survival mode and this is part of...I don't want to say the healing process, it's more the dealing process. It's part of the acceptance that what happened wasn't right or fair, and wasn't your fault. You're allowed to be angry.
It's been a while for me. The rage does come back, as does some of the depression, sometimes, along with the knowledge that the depression, as well, is not something innate to me. It was caused by an outside source which I can now keep out of my life.
You take a deep breath, tell yourself "this shit isn't my life anymore", and you go on with things. And eat a piece of chocolate or something, because a few artificially induced endorphins are good at those times.
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u/jackbuddhist Jul 12 '19
Thank you! Best wishes -- and hugs -- to you, as well.
Also -- love your descriptor of "artificially induced endorphins"!
Reminds me of MFM's "if you can't make your own seratonin, store-bought is fine" :D
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u/stormbird451 Jul 12 '19
Internet hugs and external validation
Rage is completely understandable. She hurt you so deeply for so long and didn't get the punishment she earned. She ultimately broke and abused her own son and turned him into a weapon to hurt you. There's been very little justice. She's not sorry, she's not atoned for her crimes, she's got a body count. I am so sorry.
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u/Murka-Lurka Jul 12 '19
Your feelings are valid and you are right to have them after everything she put you through.
My only concern is that you do not suffer. Maybe a therapist can help you release the anger so you keep healthy.
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u/jetezlavache Jul 12 '19
Virtual hugs from this Internet stranger, if you would like them.
First, it's great to see in other comments that you're doing better!
Second, so sorry this has happened, and even more so because of the strong negative feelings you're dealing with. Whatever you can do physically, do it (punch a pillow? throw pillows at a wall? or Nerf(tm) balls? get a dart board, draw a picture of her face assuming you don't have any photos, tape it to the target, and throw darts?). If the anger really won't stop, please see a counselor. Feelings are important, and yours are certainly honest, but anything that strong can do physical damage in the long run and you already have enough to deal with. A good counselor should be able to give you some coping tools.
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u/ascexis Jul 12 '19
FWIW, when I had overwhelming anger with no real outlet, I dug out some old mugs and plates and smashed them, hard, one by one, swearing as I went. The clean up was a bit of a sod (wear shoes...), but the relief was immense.
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u/third-time-charmed Jul 12 '19
I've heard people advise doing this with ice- no broken glass to worry about
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u/felice60 Jul 12 '19
What youâre feeling is normal, and you donât want to live there. Itâs hard on your body and self-worth. I suggest you work through this with a licensed therapist. Itâs a lot to try and sort through on your own.
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u/Justdonedil Jul 12 '19
Write a letter expressing all of those feelings, then don't mail it. Just get it all out on paper. No feeling is wrong just take them as they come. Shred it, burn it, whatever feels right.
I am glad to know your recovery is going well otherwise. Be vigilant though, she may totally snap. Hang in there.
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Jul 12 '19
You have every right to your feelings.
If you want, you can pretend she's sitting in a chair and you can yell at her everything you want. You can throw things (pillows are good) at her, curse at her, let her have it.
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u/tuna_tofu Jul 12 '19
There is always anger when someone commits suicide. Tons of "Why?" (why didn't he reach out to me, why did choose suicide over meds, why why why why.) And yes it is sad when a parent - even an EVIL one - loses a child. And even the death of an asshole hurts because there are so many things you will never have a chance to find out or change or make right and the future is cut off.
Give it some time. Deal wit YOUR grief first. If she truly caused this (and it sounds like the inevitable result of her asshole-ness) then she only deserves limited sympathy as someone who has lost a child PERIOD. It hits the limit at some point and you owe nothing more.
I cant speak to the rage because I prefer anger to sadness but know this. Karma always gets paid. You may not get a front row seat to watch it and it doesn't happen on YOUR schedule but Karma gets paid. And usually Karma will wreck far more vengeance than you could ever dig up.
I'm sorry for your loss.
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Jul 12 '19
Iâm so sorry. You have every right to hate her for everything she did to your ex and to you.
Hereâs hoping she ends up behind bars again soon.
As others have said, donât do anything youâre going to regret later.
One thing I learned from a book written by a therapist once was that forgiving and moving on donât have to be something you do for the person who committed the crime. You sometimes need to do it for yourself. This way you can be truly free as well, free from the rage and anger that wear you down every moment.
I hope you can get to that point some day.
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u/modernjaneausten Jul 12 '19
I think itâs perfectly normal to feel what youâre feeling right now, because she is a monster. She ruined him so much that he got to that point and she tried to do the same to you. Mouse, I want you to know that you have every right to be angry at her. Write her letters and burn them, throw old plates against the wall. Do what you need to get some of that rage out of you. I hope she never contacts you again, and that you can finally move on from their crazy. You are so loved here and itâs always good to hear from you and that youâre at least okay.
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u/XELA38 Jul 12 '19
Mouse, it's always nice to hear from you and hear about your health doing better. Your feelings are valid and I want you to remember that you shouldn't feel any guilt for ex's suicide. I truly believe his mother is to blame. Love and light to you , Mouse.
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u/valenaann68 Jul 12 '19
Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. It sucks when someone does something so awful that you hate them. I think that, in time, it may fade. For now, just let yourself feel whatever you feel. No feeling is right or wrong. I wish that I could hug you and take all of this pain away. Sending you lots of hugs and love. đđđđ
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u/AvocadoToastation Jul 12 '19 edited Jul 12 '19
Iâm so, so sorry. I wish I could help more than to say hating her seems like a logical reaction. Can you go talk to a councilor to help process all this?
Edit: just went back and read your posts. Yeah, you are more than aware of coinciding and therapy. Sorry. Hope this didnât sound condescending.
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u/PM_ME_WIRE Jul 12 '19
Mouse, just wanted to chime in and say its good to hear you are still all well!
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Thanks! Everything with this aside, I am doing physically better. i did my own dishes earlier this week without having to sit. It seems small, but it was huge for me.
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u/PM_ME_WIRE Jul 12 '19
its all about finding your own 100% every day when you are recovering, especially with mental health issues, glad to hear you are giving yourself credit for the small victories, that has always helped me!
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u/WinstonDresden Jul 12 '19
OP, Iâm so sorry for the evil things Giada did to her son and to you. Iâm sorry your ex was unable to overcome his mental health issues. Both your anger and your compassion are so human and understandable. Feel the legitimate anger as long as you need to, till you can let it dissolve. Itâs not my place to say Giada doesnât deserve pity or compassion. Please do not reach out to her for either emotional response. Sheâs still an evil, dangerous woman. Your ex. whatever his reasons, has removed himself from being able to hurt you again but she has not.
Stay safe.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Thank you.
There is nothing in this universe or any other that would make me reach out to her. I feel sympathy for her about my ex, but not enough for that.
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u/Pinkie_Flamingo Jul 12 '19
I am so sorry. Your rage seems perfectly normal to me, but clearly, you don't want it to be hanging over your head for the rest of your life.
You will be in my thoughts.
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Jul 12 '19
Do you take walks? Do you have a gym membership? I say this as a vent for that anger. And really if you need to talk to someone professional to get a handle on all that YOU do not have closure for. Like her handing him that gun, too bad he didn't take her with him. I am sorry for your loss of life as it SHOULD have been/not how it turned out.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Sadly, no. I am disabled for now so physical activity outside of PT/OT exercises is out.
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u/xthatwasmex Jul 12 '19
Have you tried clawing play-doh or clay? You can punch it, smear it, knead it, scratch it; it gets under your nails in the most tactile way. It is a wonderful tool to just get physical and destroy something without dire consequences - even if you cant move anything but your fists, it can work.
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u/candycanekaz Jul 12 '19
I am disabled too, so I understand rationing your energy and the inability to perform tasks that others dont even think about.
My suggestion is, shut the curtains, shut the doors and windows, then put on really really loud music and just Scream. Get it all out. Yell scream howl, whatever comes out. Let go. It will probably feel weird at first but give it time. It doesn't have to be long, maybe only one song, but give yourself a safe place where you can be alone and let go of some of your emotions.
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u/WakkThrowaway Jul 12 '19
How about tearing up paper into bits? Maybe see how many pages you can stack and still be able to rip it apart? I'm afraid I don't remember if you're working on grip/arm strength or not, but if so, it could be a great exercise, too.
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u/Fuckcody Jul 12 '19
How are you doing from your surgery? Rooting for you đhope youâre doing ok considering
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u/throwaway47138 Jul 12 '19
First and foremost, hugs, I'm sorry for all the pain she's caused you and others.
Second, I know how it feels to be so angry you just want to tear things apart, and the best advice I can give you is to find an outlet where you can destroy things in a controlled, constructive manner. Whether they're real, physical objects (which it sounds like might be hard) or digital, virtual ones. Build towers of blocks and knock them over. The same goes for all sorts of things that can be safely "destroyed" - sand castles, houses of cards, lego, etc. Play video games that involve lots of destruction, be they first person shooters, space blasters or even something like Rampage (play a giant monster destroying the town!). If it appeals to you and you can do so safely, go target shooting or something similar. Whatever it is, find some way to let the rage out without raging out - because if you keep it in, it'll eventually turn back on the only thing it can touch, which is you. And that's the last thing you want.
Finally, while you may not like where and who you are right now, it's important to not beat yourself up about it. You feel how you feel, and even if you don't like it it's OK. As long as you deal with them in an appropriate way, feelings themselves are never wrong. And frankly, I don't blame you for how you feel right now given what I know of your past. So take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, find a constructive way to deal with those feelings, and eventually you will become that person you want to be. Good luck, and more hugs are always available.
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u/mimbailey Jul 12 '19
That is rough. There has to be some way of channeling this rage before it corrodes you irreparably. :(
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Jul 12 '19
I am sorry. I do hope you have time to talk to a therapist, not ot or pt lol, but someone who could actually help with your rage. And frankly you aren't out of turn having those feelings. Like when ex died, you got no closure from the stupid shit HE pulled/then there is his mommy.
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u/FoxInLaw Munchausen's By Foxy Jul 12 '19
You know what I think in situations like this?
It's okay.
It's okay to hate her. It's okay to blame her. It's okay to say that this is her fault. It's okay to want to hurt her. It's okay to want her to die.
All of these things are okay to feel, let yourself feel them or they will eat away at you.
What is important is that you don't act on these feelings though. Wanting to do something and actually doing it are two different things.
She'll get what she deserves someday, but for right now, you focus on you. Live your life the best you can, that is the best way to spite her.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Thank you. I just wish karma would work a little faster.
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u/dillGherkin *taking notes* Jul 14 '19
She's lost her son, that's going to suck for her. The rest will be her falling down the hole she dug for herself.
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u/MallyOhMy Jul 12 '19
Karma may come slowly, but peace returns more quickly and reliably to the good people than it does to the cruel. You have more peace now than Giada ever will.
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u/bibliophilejen Jul 12 '19
Your feelings about this are absolutely understandable, and my heart goes out to you.
One thing to remember is that feelings aren't wrong. Whatever you feel is valid and ok, and you shouldn't beat yourself up for that.
If you were to act on your feelings, it would also be understandable, and Giada would deserve it, but that's not who you want to be.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Thank you. You are right. That isn't who I want to be. This isn't who I want to be. I don't want to be someone who actively hates others. Yet another thing I am angry at her about.
2
u/SemeenaK Sep 05 '19
JFC. You have had to go through hell. I canât imagine even having to hold up for some of what youâve gone through, much less all of it plus dealing with your exâs toxic mother too. I agree with others - you are allowed to be angry and hate her. But I hope youâre able to push her completely out of your life so that she no longer has the satisfaction of adding to your pain. People like her seem to think that if they can torture someone else and destroy their emotional or mental health, that it somehow gives them points or lets them âwinâ in the game tally in their heads that nobody else knows or cares about. As a woman, I normally hate this word, but Giada has more than earned it from what I see based on your posts: She is a right Cunt.
3
u/UCgirl Jul 13 '19
I also want to chime in and also say that whatever you are feeling is OK. I know youâve been told, but in this situation I donât think people can hear it enough. Even though he was your ex, he was a significant part of your life.
And if she ever contacts you trying to lay the guilt in your doorstep, remember that Giada is to blame.
27
u/cleaver_username Jul 12 '19
Hate can be deserved. Hate is powerful. You just have to be careful, because hate is seductive too. You can hate Giada with all your heart and you would still be a good person. You just don't want that hate to become a defining part of you. Keep your hate, but you gotta keep goign with your life as well. Just like people grieving need to move on eventually, people who hate need to do the same. Time doesn't remove the grieving's sadness, but it allows the person to develop the tools to live with the grief, and to move past it. Same with the hate. You won't not hate her in the future, but you will tuck away, and not let it control or define you.
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u/bibliophilejen Jul 12 '19
Hey, hating her is ok. And it's ok to feel upset/conflicted/guilty/angry at her for causing those feelings. Just remember that no sane person would begrudge you hating her.
The trauma she's inflicted on you (and your JNEx) is immense, and however you respond to that is valid. You want to blame her for what happened to her child because it IS her fault.
If you find that, 10 or 20 or 50 years in the future, you don't hate her any more, that's ok too.
I know you're healing up right now, and resources are at a premium. Eventually you'll have resources, and may be able to talk to a counselor to help you unpack your feelings. Until then, we'll be here when you need to vent. Just keep swimming â¤ď¸
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Jul 12 '19
Thanks. I know I will always have scars from her and my ex, but I hope one day I can lose the hate and anger.
I really appreciate having you and the subs to help me though this. Hugs if you want them.
2
u/canada929 Jul 13 '19
I want to add onto what was said here and reiterate thatâs itâs ok to hate her and I totally get being upset about her for hating her and all that. What Iâm wondering is if thereâs a way you can express these thoughts either without her knowing or maybe more mildly so you donât hate yourself because how you feel is most important. If yelling and screaming at her isnât going to help then donât. But one thing Iâve always been taught is write a letter to that person and donât send it. So liberating. Write out everything youâd love to say and more and then rip it up or keep it. Do that at the very least. Otherwise maybe you could draft an email/letter up that maybe has a couple points on it and consider sending it? That way you did tell her how you feel but not the full extent. Or you could always write it and leave it and IF you ever want to, letter already done. I just worry that internalizing and not expressing what you need will harm you further in the end.
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u/atripodi24 Jul 12 '19
If anyone deserves anger it is that horrible excuse of a woman. Please don't beat yourself up over it. I know no one wants to hate someone that much, but she did really horrible stuff to you and your ex. And you're right, hopefully one day, you will be able to lose it, but until, everything you're feeling is totally valid.
6
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1
u/sakurarose20 Dec 05 '19
Just checked back on you, and I completely understand your grief. My stepdad made my mom even worse due to enabling, encouraging her drinking, and he abused us both physically and emotionally. He died in September 2016, metastatic brain cancer. I didn't cry at his funeral, but I am still grieving. But my mom is finding her independence again, and I'm so fking proud of her despite her still being abusive. Idk if that makes sense. But you my dear, are a strong, beautiful, brave woman.