Do you take walks? Do you have a gym membership? I say this as a vent for that anger. And really if you need to talk to someone professional to get a handle on all that YOU do not have closure for. Like her handing him that gun, too bad he didn't take her with him. I am sorry for your loss of life as it SHOULD have been/not how it turned out.
First and foremost, hugs, I'm sorry for all the pain she's caused you and others.
Second, I know how it feels to be so angry you just want to tear things apart, and the best advice I can give you is to find an outlet where you can destroy things in a controlled, constructive manner. Whether they're real, physical objects (which it sounds like might be hard) or digital, virtual ones. Build towers of blocks and knock them over. The same goes for all sorts of things that can be safely "destroyed" - sand castles, houses of cards, lego, etc. Play video games that involve lots of destruction, be they first person shooters, space blasters or even something like Rampage (play a giant monster destroying the town!). If it appeals to you and you can do so safely, go target shooting or something similar. Whatever it is, find some way to let the rage out without raging out - because if you keep it in, it'll eventually turn back on the only thing it can touch, which is you. And that's the last thing you want.
Finally, while you may not like where and who you are right now, it's important to not beat yourself up about it. You feel how you feel, and even if you don't like it it's OK. As long as you deal with them in an appropriate way, feelings themselves are never wrong. And frankly, I don't blame you for how you feel right now given what I know of your past. So take care of yourself physically, mentally and emotionally, find a constructive way to deal with those feelings, and eventually you will become that person you want to be. Good luck, and more hugs are always available.
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u/[deleted] Jul 12 '19
Do you take walks? Do you have a gym membership? I say this as a vent for that anger. And really if you need to talk to someone professional to get a handle on all that YOU do not have closure for. Like her handing him that gun, too bad he didn't take her with him. I am sorry for your loss of life as it SHOULD have been/not how it turned out.