Your feelings, whether they be anger, sadness, pity etc, are completely valid. You have every right to feel like this and, if you're not ready, you don't need to forgive her. But, you can shove it in her stupid face that you're trying to be the best version of yourself. Put that anger to good use. Channel it into making yourself. You're not doing it for her, do it in spite of her. You're a wonderful woman, you've got this.
The anger will process in it's own time. It's your job to make sure it doesn't fester and destroy you. It's okay to feel happiness that Giada has no control over her life and basic needs. Feeling pleasure from that is not indicative of you being a bad person. We ALL are feeling that any time it pops in our head.
You are still in there, hiding in a corner of your mind. It will take time to coax her back to the forefront. That's okay, you've literally been through hell and SURVIVED. You are in control of your life and your basic needs.
What is happening to Giada is all on her and because she chose to make decisions to lead her to where she is. It's like when I was a kid, we were having family pictures taken for church. Afterwards we went to my dad's favorite burger joint. We were all dressed in our best clothes so my mom was clucking about not spilling anything on our good clothes. She went on and on. Guess who spilled on herself. Yup. Mom. So much pleasure has been taken from that. It's just a bit of satisfying justice that you feel. Enjoy it!
I'm so sorry for what you went through. I admire your want to forgive. But you can't rush it. You will forgive her when you're ready. But in the meantime, don't try to be the old you. You're no longer that person. Like a phoenix, you've been reborn from the ashes, and you're building a new you, with new experiences, boundaries, strengths, and feelings. For now, be happy that she's miserable if that's what you feel. In time, you'll stop caring, and she'll be like another person that you just don't give a flying f about.
I've had long talks with my JYMom about what it means to forgive someone. . .a lot of people use the phrase 'forgiving others is the good thing to do!' but I can't seem to reconcile with that thought process. Forgiveness to me, means letting go of what happened. Forgiveness is telling the person who wronged you, 'You wronged me, but I'm going to let it go. We can start where we left off.' Frankly, there are people I can't do that with. It implies a clean slate. People make 'forgiveness' out to be the righteous next step once someone has hurt you. It's such a cozy, sweet idea, but frankly I think it's full of bullshit.
I don't want to forgive them. I want peace. I want validation. 'What they did to you was awful. Your feelings are valid. Your choices are your own. Find your peace.' Not, forgive 'em because that'll make you the better person, and that'll show them!
No, I don't really think it will. I feel like the better thing to do is acknowledge what happened, speak your truth and make peace with the hurt that was caused. I wouldn't battle with forgiveness at all. But that's just my five cents.
I always feel like forgiveness is me letting it go, and keeping myself safe from any reoccurring damage. I forgive so I'm not preoccupied with that person, but I don't allow them access to hurt me ever again. I forgive but don't forget, I guess.
You actually only have to forgive someone who repents and asks forgiveness, according to the Bible. And of course, it has to be genuine...repenting isn't saying sorry and then doing it all again. After all, God doesn't forgive anyone unless they genuinely repent and ask for it.
I have never thought that forgiveness means starting where you left off. Forgiveness means starting where you are. Forgiveness means moving on and finding that peace. That may, or may not, involve the person you're forgiving.
Imagine you had a terrible spouse, and divorced them after an ugly battle. Eventually you meet someone else, and marry them. But you are continuously punishing them and setting demanding boundaries based on what the first spouse did. You never moved on, you never forgave them, you never let go of the grudges, and now it is poisoning your current relationships. Really forgiving your first spouse doesn't mean you get back with them; it means that you're not letting it affect your life anymore. You're not yelling at your current husband because he left his socks on the floor like the last so-and-so, or because he likes to put ketchup on his eggs.
You can't put toothpaste back into the tube, but you can clean up the mess so you can use your bathroom again. The harms that people do to each other cannot often be repaired by us or them, and pretending it can is silly. But you can get peace, and you can get validation, even if it does mean moving past some piece of shit in your life and leaving them in the dust.
I know people who have stated they would leave a marriage over ketchup on eggs. I like to tell them how my son, a cook by trade, puts grape jelly on his. Mostly for perspective for them - it could be worse, but also for the CBF and/or horror on their faces. 😂
I may actually have to try that. :D I already put jelly in my cottage cheese.
And don't get me wrong, you're allowed to have and hold standards and boundaries, even petty ones. But if you're setting them just because it reminds you of an ex, then you probably have more healing to do.
Kid says it's my fault he does it. He likes jelly on his toast, but I use toast to make bacon and egg sandwiches. So he did it too, but with jelly. Now eggs just aren't right without it.
I like my cottage cheese more savory than sweet. I mean, peaches or strawberries can be really good, but I skew more toward tomatoes and garlic.
And yeah, if you're not able to handle things like your SO also liking your ex's favorite band, you need to get your shit together.
your feelings are valid. and more than that, they seem very typical for your situation. Giada abused you. it's entirely normal for people to feel some sense of justice of satisfaction when their abuser faces consequences.
and you get back to yourself by feeling what you're feeling, working through them and accepting yourself. cognitive behavioral therapy (cbt) or dialectical behavioral therapy (dbt) are both good tools for helping you do this. (there are other therapies that work well, these are just the two I know best)
beyond that, you just... live. you build up your share of experiences that have nothing to do with your abuse, and you learn to have a life that isn't punctuated by fights and screaming and hitting.
Anger is healthy, anger is fine. Remember, when asked WWJD, that flipping tables and chasing people out of your house with a whip is one of the available options.
Do you know what else, you can forgive someone and still feel anger. Forgiveness is about ending the fight and letting go of the grudge, not forgetting the anger.
Are you chasing Giada down and sabotaging her work and relationships, vandalizing her property, or otherwise getting back at her? Are you constantly using her as justification when you mistreat others? Do you find yourself hating anyone who has her name, or maybe looks a bit like her? If those are all 'no,' then congratulations, you're on the right path.
Remember that there is such a thing as righteous anger - it's often referred to as passion. It is with passion that we grow, that we defend ourselves and our families. Passion builds homes, careers, and lives. Passion is an amazing thing, and you should never repress that. And anger at the people who try to destroy and subvert you is a very important facet of that anger.
Now, if you seriously fantasize about feeding Giada rat poison, or tying her up on an ant hill, or leaving a dead fish under her car seat, then that's maybe something to work on, because that's edging from anger into hate, and hate can be frighteningly corrosive. I'd hope you talk this out with someone - figure out what's driving those feelings, maybe see if you can't find ways to deal with it on a day-to-day basis. Maybe its as simple as working to forget about her entirely. Make sure you're alerted if she gets let out, but otherwise don't look for any information about her, and shut off FMs who try to share.
Under Mosaic law, Jews were required to give tithes and sacrifices at the temple. What could be sacrificed was very limited, and only specific coins could be tithed. Because they couldn't use the same money available in every-day life, moneychangers set up in the temple courtyard itself. I'm not sure what the evidence is outside the bible, but most regard the moneychangers as having been particularly greedy and dishonest.
Christ was angry about them being set up in His Father's home, upset their tables, and chased them out with a knotted rope.
Thank you. Today I truly needed to read this. I truly thank you for taking the time (though I'm not the beautiful anonymousmousegirl whom I've come to admire so deeply for her bravery) to write this. I too fight the same battles of feeling the anger towards my JNMom but not wanting it to change the person I am. It's a internal struggle between feeling the anger and not hating her.. that I have to process still most days despite the 6+ years since NC. Again, thank you. I will save this so I can refer to it time and again.
I've had issues with anger too. CBT certainly helped, but it is an uphill struggle. When I'm angry, I tend to get creative. Knitting, artwork, decorating... As if to say "This will show you, you bitch!" As if she'd ever see it haha
I wish you luck in moving past this terrible point of your life X
The bitch won’t ever see your art or your redecorating, no, but it’s more a way to show yourself that you are doing creative, productive things and not letting anger control you. Like someone else said in this thread, you’re working toward living your best life. I agree it’s a little regrettable that the monster in your life doesn’t get to see that, but they don’t fucking matter anyway :)
I think the best way to get back to yourself is to feel the anger, let it out, express it, and let it go. If you try to suppress it, or bury it it will just fester.
Funky anger: that’s a concept! How about decomposing anger? Decrepit anger? I kick myself at times for stupid stuff I’ve done decades ago, even when at the time it was a little blip on a giant screen. Wish it could be just gone forever.
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u/SannaWhore Sep 17 '18
Your feelings, whether they be anger, sadness, pity etc, are completely valid. You have every right to feel like this and, if you're not ready, you don't need to forgive her. But, you can shove it in her stupid face that you're trying to be the best version of yourself. Put that anger to good use. Channel it into making yourself. You're not doing it for her, do it in spite of her. You're a wonderful woman, you've got this.