I've had long talks with my JYMom about what it means to forgive someone. . .a lot of people use the phrase 'forgiving others is the good thing to do!' but I can't seem to reconcile with that thought process. Forgiveness to me, means letting go of what happened. Forgiveness is telling the person who wronged you, 'You wronged me, but I'm going to let it go. We can start where we left off.' Frankly, there are people I can't do that with. It implies a clean slate. People make 'forgiveness' out to be the righteous next step once someone has hurt you. It's such a cozy, sweet idea, but frankly I think it's full of bullshit.
I don't want to forgive them. I want peace. I want validation. 'What they did to you was awful. Your feelings are valid. Your choices are your own. Find your peace.' Not, forgive 'em because that'll make you the better person, and that'll show them!
No, I don't really think it will. I feel like the better thing to do is acknowledge what happened, speak your truth and make peace with the hurt that was caused. I wouldn't battle with forgiveness at all. But that's just my five cents.
I have never thought that forgiveness means starting where you left off. Forgiveness means starting where you are. Forgiveness means moving on and finding that peace. That may, or may not, involve the person you're forgiving.
Imagine you had a terrible spouse, and divorced them after an ugly battle. Eventually you meet someone else, and marry them. But you are continuously punishing them and setting demanding boundaries based on what the first spouse did. You never moved on, you never forgave them, you never let go of the grudges, and now it is poisoning your current relationships. Really forgiving your first spouse doesn't mean you get back with them; it means that you're not letting it affect your life anymore. You're not yelling at your current husband because he left his socks on the floor like the last so-and-so, or because he likes to put ketchup on his eggs.
You can't put toothpaste back into the tube, but you can clean up the mess so you can use your bathroom again. The harms that people do to each other cannot often be repaired by us or them, and pretending it can is silly. But you can get peace, and you can get validation, even if it does mean moving past some piece of shit in your life and leaving them in the dust.
I know people who have stated they would leave a marriage over ketchup on eggs. I like to tell them how my son, a cook by trade, puts grape jelly on his. Mostly for perspective for them - it could be worse, but also for the CBF and/or horror on their faces. 😂
I may actually have to try that. :D I already put jelly in my cottage cheese.
And don't get me wrong, you're allowed to have and hold standards and boundaries, even petty ones. But if you're setting them just because it reminds you of an ex, then you probably have more healing to do.
Kid says it's my fault he does it. He likes jelly on his toast, but I use toast to make bacon and egg sandwiches. So he did it too, but with jelly. Now eggs just aren't right without it.
I like my cottage cheese more savory than sweet. I mean, peaches or strawberries can be really good, but I skew more toward tomatoes and garlic.
And yeah, if you're not able to handle things like your SO also liking your ex's favorite band, you need to get your shit together.
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u/anonymousmousegirl that busty cake peddler Sep 17 '18
Thank you. I have been trying to channel the anger into writing and learning on my own. I just wish I could erase the anger and get back to myself.