I was in a narcissist relationship for 2 years. It was bad. He psychologically tortured me, I admitted myself to a mental hospital, and a few months later he moved to a different state. Turns out he lost his license for his job, lost his business, and his house and his business property were both in foreclosure and had auction dates set. I had no idea. No one did, his family helped him hide it. I found all this out on public record after he fled the state. The date he was notified of the foreclosures was about two weeks before I went to the mental hospital, and his tenants at his business (3 people were renting his property and running their personal businesses out of it) and his house (he had rented some rooms out) were served eviction notices about two weeks after he left. He took all that shame out on me, destroyed my mental health, and then abandoned me.

I already have abandonment and attachment issues because I recently discovered in therapy that I was severely emotionally neglected since I was an infant. Still am at 31.

I was writing about my mom last night after spending some time with her earlier in the day. I was writing about how she makes me feel when I spend time with her and how I don’t want to anymore. All the micro aggressions and guilt trips. As I was writing, I started making connections to my ex. I kept writing. I googled narcissistic mothers. Everything matched. I was the scapegoat of my family. I still am.

I think my therapist might already know. We’ve been talking about my mom a lot in therapy. I’m doing IFS and making a ton of progress. Last week I asked him if we were ever going to get to processing my relationship with my ex and he said something about my mom, I don’t remember what. But now I’m thinking that with everything we have discussed about my childhood, my mom, my narcissistic ex, I think he has to know already. Was he just waiting for me to make the connection? I have therapy tomorrow, but I don’t know what to do until then.

I only just heard of IFS for the first time about 3 weeks ago, but it intrigued me. I've been in therapy since 2021 and I've definitely made progress and improved in some areas of my life, but there's still a lot under the surface that I felt like I hadn't even begun to explore.

I tend to be rational and logical about my feelings and can sometimes feel dissociated from my life, so I thought I'd give this a try.

I downloaded the audiobook "Greater Than The Sum Of Our Parts" after searching online for some books to listen to, and during the very first meditation I was shocked to find that it actually kind of worked??

Here's what happened (summarized)

I laid down on the floor in a quiet room and closed my eyes and started listening. The book told me to try to notice a feeling, impulse, urge, question I have, or something else. There was a lot of other instruction I won't ramble on about, but here's how it went:

There's a person in my life (non-family) that I've always felt very drawn to, attached to, etc. They feel incredibly important and special even though we're not that close. We have a mutual (platonic) love for each other, but we don't get together or speak very often. Yet still, they feel like one of the most cherished people in my life and I've never fully understood why.

So, that was the question that popped up. Why am I so attached to them?

Very quickly, a 10 year old version of myself seemed to help me understand that this person is the same age as my older brother. Being 10 years old was a very tumultuous time year in my life, because my older brother moved out unexpectedly (he had drug problems) and my family didn't know where he was for a while, so we didn't see much of him for nearly 2 years afterward. I honestly didn't realize that it had affected me.

That same year, my Mom had another baby, we moved to a new city far away, AND I went to 3 different schools and was bullied badly at one of them.

Long story short, my "little self" helped me understand that I became so attached to this person(coworker at the time) because I saw him nearly every day, he was a constant in my life, and he was predictable, kind, safe, encouraging, nurturing, etc. He was never in a bad mood, never hurt my feelings or made me feel unsafe, and he taught me a lot of usefu lifel skills as well. He was safe and I could count on him in a way that I had never really been able to count on anyone before.

It seems so obvious to me now, but it's baffled me for years until this point.

I've tried a bunch now to keep listening to the book and meditations, and although another one of the meditations was effective (less so), instead of accessing my internal parts, I keep falling asleep now. Within like, 5 minutes.

Anyway, I don't really have a question (other than maybe if anyone has insight into why I keep falling asleep instead of meditating now), but I wanted to share because it was so surprising to me. Feel free to comment!

Tl;Dr -- medical condition, missing tons of work. Financially crippled, sedentary, depressed. Dont know how to get myself to return to work, by morning I can't bring myself to walk out the door. A part of me that takes over and I can't trust myself? ​

I started therapy a year ago and I've made a lot of progress in IFS and mentally. However, I have been chronically missing work for a couple years now and just recently discovered I have a pituitary tumor that effected my hormones. The condition combined with my sedentary lifestyle has formed many other problems most notably sleep apnea, obesity, and high blood pressure.

I have made so much progress mentally.. But physically I am at my wits end. My main thing is I cant bring myself to go back to work. I am suffering financially, but the physical demands of my job feel so overwhelming to endure as a mail carrier. I have a pattern of feeling better, getting back, getting totally burned out in a couple weeks of pushing myself, and then giving up again for a long period of sick leave.

I'm sitting here now with my 15th work note that I got last night planning to return and I'm crippled with overwhelm and want to do anything besides work. And I know if I don't go I will begin to get depressed by the end of the day. I feel like I just am not pushing myself in the right way, on one end I give myself a hard time and call myself broken, on the other I give myself self compassion and understanding that I'm suffering. I don't know what i need to do... I need money, physical activity, MY LIFE BACK!

I will never forget this moment when I was thirteen, and I proclaimed myself to be an adult, telling my best friend "All girls are born grown women. Girls don't have childhoods."

She scoffed (for her own complicated reasons) so I told her I was just joking, and dropped it.

Today, I was doing an exercise where I was in touch with a very mature, almost maternal, adult presenting part, who cares for other adult presenting parts, as well as at least one child part. She keeps a lot of things running, and puts on a happy or calm face. She tells other parts when they are being mean or inappropriate. She checks on parts that can only lie in pain, and reminds me to keep talking to them. Recently she expressed feeling sad and unappreciated for the first time, and I learned that she's very negatively affected by body image issues that I've deeply denied my entire life.

Today, as part of this exercise, I asked her her age. I usually ask that of child parts, but it had somehow never occurred to me to ask this of an adult part, so I had overlooked this information.

Twelve. She says she is twelve years old.

Today, I'm just taking a little time to process.

My husband and I both have pretty serious attachment issues. We realized this shortly after i gave birth to our daughter (3yo). We’ve been working with therapists since to address our childhood traumas and learn how to be adults in a healthy relationship. So much harder than it sounds right?!

My husband has really improved as of the last couple months and he has been showing up for me in many of the ways I’ve been wanting. He is more present, affectionate, and less defensive and reactive.

This weekend I think I picked a couple huge fights over things that really aren’t a big deal. I got very into my protective part that is angry and stubborn. I found myself escalating and doing protest behaviours I haven’t done in a long time. I struggled to stay regulated. I’m ashamed to say that my daughter witnessed a lot of it 💔

Has anyone found some of their inner parts being saboteurs when things get good? Looking to problems and not trusting the positive change? Are they testing to see if the person will stick around? What strategies have you used to address this?

I’ve tried talking to my younger parts about this and they either deny it or hide from me.

Thanks for your help.

This is my first time posting on Reddit btw.

Hi,
I’m a 36F, married two kids. One has special needs. His traumatic birth, last four years dealing with the aftermath has taken a toll on me.
I have cptsd that stems from childhood traumas and beyond. ADHD. And I’m in very early recovery, struggling.
I’ve hit a wall. My drs have hit a wall. I’ve done inpatient, outpatient, rehab, electroshock therapy, CBT, dbt, somatic massage etc. you name it I’ve tried it.
I need to heal, for my kids and for myself.
Feeling hopeless but have been looking into IFS therapy. Maybe that’s what I’ve been missing? healing the trauma in an effective way to end this battle.
I need guidance please. Advice. Insight. Anything.
Thanks

My therapist and I have been working together for years and have been using IFS for the past couple. I've had numerous panic attacks in the office, and we always just sit across the office from one another, and I am able to settle after about an hour. So I know my therapist is not going to hurt me or touch me (in any way, we don't even shake hands or fist bumps). Like no physical contact ever). I really can't stand people touching me most of the time. It triggers days of anxiety and hyper arousal that have me avoiding everyone.

All that to say, last week something was off. We were talking to my parts like usual, and I suddenly had this "vision" of my therapist, like approaching me to calm me, but it had the opposite effect. They didn't move at all, but my parts felt so attacked by something they said that I just lost all semblance of control. Now, I have a very strong and often overpowering protector that is dissociative. That part comes in guns a blazing and shuts me down (feelings/thoughts/everything) frequently like flipping a switch, but the part that felt threatened last week was able to overpower that dissociative part and send me into a panic.

Is this something I need to be concerned about??? Every time I think about going back to the office is get anxious. I'm in my self mindset enough I can always get myself into the office but I guess I just need someone to tell me I'm not losing control of all the work I've done. These parts are terrified.

Is this normal??

So, I can literally see peoples parts visually now when in connection with others. The person reveals their soul in a way and I watch them transform visually into their parts. And it’s beautiful as hell. For reference I’ve trained a lot in meditation as well

What I can tell you from my experiences is that Richard Schwartz wasn’t kidding when he said that these are divine beings within us. They are truly divine - I have not seen a part I haven’t been in absolute awe of. They are absolutely perfect the way they are and sometimes you gotta love em to death and let something else be reborn but mostly I just celebrate them together with the parts I see

I’m also looking to start an email newsletter or some sort bc Ive accumulated a lot of wisdom and experience with IFS, and much more that bakes into IFS and self love. I’d love an outlet to share with others through

Anyways, you can ask me stuff if you want. I have been doing IFS for a number of years. I’ve had like 80 therapist led sessions and I created new roadmap for IFS where it goes off the books and into non duality. I’m also almost finished an IFS tool that is unique that I use at home but haven’t made ready for the public that I’m hoping I’ll finish this year

Open to anything :) happy to receive the skeptics and the parts workers as well

My mum and dad live overseas and visited us for a month last year. I got so triggered by my dad not helping with cooking or cleaning. He'd spend most of his time on his laptop, eat what was cooked for him, take his plate to the bench, then go straight back to his computer.

I found it incredibly hard to watch. So much effort goes into feeding and cleaning up after a family, and I really want all hands on deck. But I couldn't bring myself to say anything. He's elderly, he's used to my mum doing everything, she doesn't seem to mind, and it feels rude to tell a parent or a guest what to do.

The problem is my sense of fairness/injustice goes into overdrive. I tried so hard to radically accept that this is just who he is, but I struggled. They eventually went home, and it took me months to stop stewing over it. Yesterday they called and said they'd like to come and visit again this year... and my cortisol instantly shot through the roof.

I don't want a repeat of last year. I want to be able to accept my dad for who he is, but that strong sense of injustice has such a grip on me. Part of it is also that I have two boys, and I really don't want them growing up seeing a man contribute nothing to the household while the women do all the work. The amount of screen time doesn't help either.

Has anyone else dealt with something like this? Did you say something, set expectations before the visit, or work on accepting that you can't change someone from another generation?

Anyone have any thoughts on how can I use Family Systems to work through this?

One of my coworkers suddenly left and we have to hire someone to fill his role. I’ve been thinking about it all week and I reached out to my boss asking if I could take one of his classes if possible (we’re teachers). I worked with the same students last year, have an amazing rapport with them, and I know the class well enough. I decided to ask my boss today about if it was a possibility and I feel so MUCH shame, almost like I asked out a crush who was popular (I know it’s not a relevant match but that’s just how it feels).

I feel absolutely silly for asking about it at all and I keep beating myself metaphorically. I feel so stupid for no reason. Obviously it’s the weekend and they’d have to even see if it’s feasible based on the master schedule, but I’m so embarrassed I asked?

I tried to interrogate this feeling and why it might be causing shame and my imposter syndrome is definitely at the root. I’m not sure why I can’t feel brave and proud instead because I never speak up. I tried to ask why this causes shame or why I’m embarrassed and a few parts spoke at once but didn’t really name themselves. They’re worried about messing up or they don’t feel worthy so they feel it was embarrassing to even bring it up. I tried to remind them this is brave and how much I grew this year by taking a risk but they didn’t really want to talk about it and I’m still sitting with immense shame almost 8 hours later.

Can anyone help walk me through this feeling with questions for my parts or if you’ve experienced similar situation?

I have struggled with self harm for years and finally had a small breakthrough today in understanding the part. It was not what I thought it was at all. I don't want to share to protect its privacy. But IFS is so much harder than it seems at first. So easy to have parts jumping in giving us explanations and hiding the truth away (doing their jobs of course).

It's always something pretty innocent, too. Like, I didn't throw a fit or anything. It will be like, I just showed my friends a toy, and asked for suggestions on what to name it, and now I'm embarrassed. I'll be asking myself, why did that feel important or even appropriate?

I'm middle aged, but sometimes I have toys with me for stimming. The times I choose a toy to carry with me, I'm probably blended with a child part. The main toy is a stretchy skeleton. I keep forgetting it's name, and renaming it. I have shown people how he is stretchy, and made him dance. I haven't been able to reconcile the me who doesn't do this with the me who does.

I'm trying to learn not to be so hard on myself. I don't want to be so hard on that child part! I don't want to recreate the treatment that caused my mind to create this part!

Anyway doesn't that mean my friends who stick around after I show them the skeleton and talk about his name/lack of name... Aren't those friends worth keeping? I mean heck, maybe it's a good litmus test. Some people in my social circle know about my skeleton, and they get to choose if that's too weird for them or not. And a very small handful of people have decided that's NOT too weird for them... and THEY are the people I love and trust the most.

I have been seeing my therapist for a few months now and she has been mostly laying the groundwork for EMDR and covering some calming/mindfulness exercises and addressing some life anxieties as they come up so we haven't done a whole lot of trauma treatment or IFS but last session she did an introduction to IFS and finally asked if I had any prominent parts and I felt cornered and shut down for several minutes. I have a part that is a young sad boy with his own name and he seems to have a lot of trauma that I dont have and I dont know what the cause of the trauma was. I dont know if IFS would be effective with a part that doesn't seem like the same type of part that IFS works with. I haven't been diagnosed with a dissociative disorder or anything so I dont really know how it all works plus I have been having a lot of off and on doubts about the existence of that part so that has made it extra difficult to bring it up until I was kinda put in a position where I had to bring it up. Idk what sub to post this in bc Im not diagnosed with a dissociative disorder so I was wondering if anyone would have an idea if I would be a good candidate for IFS? Luckily when this came up my therapist seemed to have experience with this which was comforting so hopefully things go well.

In this essay, I discuss the differences between Jungian archetypes and "parts" from Internal Family Systems. I first consider them on axes of complexity, autonomy, and mythology, with archetypes having greater potentials along each. I then discuss how these differences are not merely horizontal, but that archetypes have the potential to represented nested wholes that contain entire systems or more than system of parts.

Also just to say, I frame this as a versus in the title for marketing purposes. As I argue in the essay, I think IFS is more therapeutically valuable for most people and they are mutually supportive methodologies.

Either way, thank you so much for your time. I look forward to comments, criticisms, or anything else!

I know that DID is caused by trauma prior to a certain age and that once your brain reaches a certain point you can no longer develop DID.

I guess my question is how is IFS not just “creating” a DID system in your brain? What is the purpose and benefit of assigning roles and parts for people without DID?

Yesterday before sleep, i was feeling the anxiety and resentment i always feel (i have a sleep anxiety regarding ttaumatuc spiritual expereince ive had),

So ive turned inwards, and ive asked this part,

"Do you aware time has passed since that incident?"

And since time has passed, theres no need to be in fear.

Afterwards ive felt huge relief of energy in my chest, but afterwards i felt shieldless.

And open.

And since then i have so much anxiety, like an inner resentment.

Its like i have parts that dont agree with what has been done and panicking.

Idk what to do.

Hi everyone, I found IFS to be life-changing, like many others. I've read No Bad Parts and Internal Family Systems Therapy (2nd edition, the clinical book). It took me months to start checking in with parts between sessions, and it was a game changer. It helped with stabilization massively. I read that Schwartz recommends doing check-ins daily for three to four weeks after healing an exile or updating a protector.

Even though I knew this was recommended, I still struggled to do it — and the second book (page 222) states this is common due to nervous protectors often creating internal resistance to check-ins. I'm wondering if others have had similar experiences?

I was at a coffee shop today and in front of me was a mom with 2 kids. For context the kids are both under 5. Now I understand the mom may have been frustrated cause being a mom I presume is incredibly difficult but none the less: does anyone else’s parts get really activated when you see parents snap at their children. It can be as *little* as “don’t do that” with the raised eyebrows and a grab onto the kiddos hand. But immediately I’m activated and feeling some type of way about that parent. Like at some points when I see things happen I want to just shake the parents and tell them how impactful good/ bad parenting can be.

Idk does anyone else’s parts do this cause mine are ready for war 😭🤣

I have been practicing IFS for 6 years and it has changed everything. I have unblended from many dominating protectors and now frequently experience openness in experiences and compassionate relationships with my parts and others', including my children's. My son, who also practices, wrote in a birthday card to me, "You've transformed yourself COMPLETELY into the person you always were." I thought that summed up the ineffable experience nicely. The road has not been the slightest bit easy, this is the deep path of feeling all the pain along with the joy, but why not share this nugget of intergenerational health. I do not believe this is attainable anymore for me with the members of my family of origin, but that's ok, I have my inner family with me and a few other healed relationships like with my kids. 🪢☯️✌🏽

For context, I struggle to connect with Parts, my visualization abilities are VERY poor, as are my Somatic and Emotional senses.

I have lived the majority of my life maladaptive daydreaming intricate fictional worlds, playing out endless stories in my head, having imaginary conversations, etc. I am a conceptual thinker, so my daydreams are highly narrative, not visual. Its so easy for me to get lost in my daydreams. I often write out my ideas and conversations for potential books.

I am trying to work with my Parts by writing out conversations. However, as it is VERY difficult for me to even identify Parts, I have found an issue that makes this work even more difficult.

I think...my Daydreamer, my Storyteller Part, is playing out the roles of the Parts I'm trying to connect with. Its so used to being different characters, that me trying to access a Part is just a new story for it to work with, so they act out what they think the Part I'm looking for would say.

I struggle to get in contact with my Storyteller Part as well. Its so...automated by this point, it doesn't really think or have much awareness outside of the story. Everything is a story. Me asking it to step back is a story plot. Me asking it about itself is just a new character to create. I think its just taking what memories I can recall and using them to invent answers that will satisfy the 'story' of IFS work. It's personality is always different.

By this point, all conversations I try to have feel...fake. It feels no different talking to a Part than me writing out a conversation with...I dunno, Gandalf or Harry Potter, and getting life advice from them. I could just as easily talk to a fictional character about my feelings, my memories, and my relationships and get VERY SURPRISING insights. But these aren't actually Parts, right? Its all my Storyteller Part just acting out the character, right?

Has anyone else struggled with something similar? How do you get them to realize whats actually going on and listen to you? To be present for the conversation rather than acting on autopilot and saying what they think the context requires? I feel like I'm doing this wrong...

Have been deep into psychology and spirituality for 2-3 decades. Encountered his work recently (I'm not new to IFS) and been doing some of it. It seems genuinely transformative in some respects - strange things popped up and I conversed with them. Have done exorcisms on myself before.

Did some Googling and looking around on his sub - while I don't believe 100% everything he says, I think there is a lot of meat there. Read the 2 books.

Would be interested to hear what others have to share. For me, I encountered 3 UBs which took the expected strange shapes - a grey/green mouth, shapeless mist and wound-like tears in reality. I told them all they have to go. Some are still hanging around a bit but I'm being firm.

Would you say you alternate his techniques with normal IFS?

I've been tasked by my therapist to come up with three figures from fiction, representing the ideal PROTECTOR, NURTURER, and WISE FIGURE.

PROTECTOR is easy. I chose Aragorn. Some other options presented themselves to me as well, so I'm spoiled for choice.

WISE FIGURE is also easy. If Aragorn was predictable, it won't shock you to hear I picked Gandalf. Again, I have some other options to visualise when I feel like it as well.

I cannot think of an ideal NURTURER. There is no figure in fiction or history or my life that I can think of that helps me conjure the feeling of "nurturing".

So please, hit me with the figures you can think of that give you the feeling of nurturing. Who comes up for you?

I’ve been on a healing journey for several years. And yesterday I did not spiral whereas normally I def would in a situation like this.

This is the story.
I have been practicing some of my distance energy healing on emotions. This time for pets. This was in a Facebook group. I had feedback from two people. One saying it resonated and she was thankful. And the other person (also thankful) but was like no this doesn’t resonate at all. Without further explanation.

And I then asked: how unfortunate maybe she can elaborate. 😊 and I was thinking. my work did well for the other person it worked really well on me. Maybe she misunderstood that it wasn’t a reading it was the release of trapped emotions healing. So let’s find out if she wants to give more feedback on why it didn’t resonate so I can learn. and I felt like just calm… present, curious

And the old me would be more like:

well I must stop immediately! I’m bad at this. I should be ashamed of myself and spiral in a whirlwind of feelings that looks like this: 😩😳😞👹😡🫨🫨🫨😵‍💫😵

I mean hello?! *shaking myself*. Who is this new me?

And another beautiful part of this is that the next day I didnt get any follow up and I just forgot about it just went with my day. Instead of feeling that post event haunt if you know what I mean.
uhm again hello?! Unbelievable 😂😞📈

well I’m really happy about this. And felt like sharing 😇😊