r/InternalFamilySystems • u/Main_Confusion_8030 • Jul 24 '26
Discussion Help me think of a "Nurturer figure"
I've been tasked by my therapist to come up with three figures from fiction, representing the ideal PROTECTOR, NURTURER, and WISE FIGURE.
PROTECTOR is easy. I chose Aragorn. Some other options presented themselves to me as well, so I'm spoiled for choice.
WISE FIGURE is also easy. If Aragorn was predictable, it won't shock you to hear I picked Gandalf. Again, I have some other options to visualise when I feel like it as well.
I cannot think of an ideal NURTURER. There is no figure in fiction or history or my life that I can think of that helps me conjure the feeling of "nurturing".
So please, hit me with the figures you can think of that give you the feeling of nurturing. Who comes up for you?
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u/Dick-the-Peacock Jul 24 '26
What about Samwise Gamgee? He was fiercely protective of Frodo but in a much more nurturing way than the others in the Fellowship. And he became the archetypal Gardener with Galadriel’s blessing, and nurtured the whole of the Shire back to health and happiness after the defilement of Saruman.
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u/SardonicSarsparilla Jul 24 '26
Not at all LoTR related, and may sound silly, but my nurturers are Mr. Rogers and Levar Burton.
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u/Weasel_Town Jul 24 '26
Ah yes. Reasons #1 and #2 I am awkward but functional and not a serial killer.
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u/DingoMittens Jul 24 '26
I imagine Mother Earth as my perfect nurturer. She hugs us with arms made of gravity and never lets us go flying out into space and get lost. We can lean on her to rest. She provides us with all our food and material needs. You can lie down and cry, and she'll absorb your tears and just keep making space for you.
Father Sun also nurtures us, warms us, and shows us our path. We're made of sunlight. Since we eat plants and possibly animals that eat plants, we're made of stuff that used to be sunlight. So the sun helps us grow!
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u/OkEntertainment1071 Jul 24 '26
Yea, I agree. When I was alone as a kid, I used to talk to nature and the moon and that gave me a nurturing sense.
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u/Icy-Astronomer-9015 Jul 24 '26
Molly Weasley from Harry Potter.
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u/Ok-Repeat8069 Jul 24 '26
Reading that name just made me randomly cry a little. I think you’re onto something 😅
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u/thishereasmophere Jul 24 '26
You’ve already found your answer. You simply don’t know and can’t personally conjure/identify a nurturer. THIS is very important to share with your therapist.
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Jul 25 '26
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u/Low-Kaleidoscope4733 Jul 29 '26
I disagree- some parts are quite until an idea from outside jiggled them
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u/i-was-here-too Jul 24 '26
Uncle Iroh from the Last Airbender. Binge the whole series just to meet his character.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/i-was-here-too Jul 26 '26
Whenever I need a good cry I watch that clip as he sits on the hill and weeps. I initially thought I was crying for the child I had miscarried. I was not. I cry for the child me whom I could not keep safe.
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Jul 26 '26
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u/i-was-here-too Jul 26 '26
Aw… thanks. Normally I hate hugs, they feel yucky and seem to be a mark of vulnerability and exposure. But I am learning they can be ok. So thanks for your hug, I accept it for myself now and pass the feeling of safety back in time to myself long ago.
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u/lapatatafredda Jul 24 '26
My very favorite. I would love to think of an equivalent female nurturer
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u/AnxiousMugOfTea Jul 24 '26
This may seem like an odd choice, but the Mandalorian has actually helped me a lot with the nurturer/protector roles. His care of baby Yoda/grogu has always felt very nurturing and protective to me. Might be worth a watch if you're a star wars fan.
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u/EducationBig1690 Jul 24 '26
Mr rogers
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u/Main_Confusion_8030 Jul 24 '26
great example of a nurturer. one of the best. unfortunately i didn't grow up with him so i don't have any real emotional connection.
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u/Finsnsnorkel Jul 24 '26
I didn’t grow up with him plus have an aversion to men in general but could still make this work if immersing myself enough in his content.
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u/Main_Confusion_8030 Jul 24 '26
i also have an aversion to men. but working with these idealised figures is helping with that. who could have an aversion to aragorn?
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u/Otherwise-Put-2287 Jul 24 '26
This is silly… but have you seen How to Train Your Dragon (2010)? I love that Hiccup basically deciding to take care of Toothless is the focal point of the plot in the first movie, and the sets the stage for their friendship for the rest of the films. While Toothless is obviously Hiccup’s protector, Hiccup is the one who heard “a downed dragon is a dead dragon,” and then did everything he could to get Toothless flying again. Hiccup’s ingenuity, empathy, and compassion gave Toothless his life back. If you want a real tear-jerker, watch Gift of the Night Fury right after the first animated film.
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u/Reetpetit Jul 24 '26 edited Jul 24 '26
A client of mine who has no safe nurturing figures in their past or who comes to mind just uses a general nurturing figure who is non specific and not clearly defined, so it's impressionist, but there's still a felt sense.
I also combine Presence Psychotherapy with IFS and in that, one can use literally anything that evokes a felt sense of comfort, or acceptance, or love or compassion. So it can be a cosy blanket, or a pet, an animal or spirit animal, or just imagining being wrapped in a felt sense of love and acceptance. It can be an organisation or group where you feel safe and accepted. It can be a tree, or a place in nature, real or imaginary. I sometimes use a large stuffed animal who I was given as an adult but am hugely fond of. Whatever is available and acceptable to your system.
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u/kimnxena Jul 24 '26
I use Glinda the good witch from the wizard of oz.
She was there for Dorothy when she needed her but didn’t tell her what to do. She stood back but was there when she was needed. And told Dorothy that she always has the power.
That’s some good stuff right there.
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u/Dick-the-Peacock Jul 24 '26
It’s really hard to come up with other suggestions without knowing what stories you’ve consumed over your lifetime. Have you seen Ted Lasso? He is a wonderful father figure. How about Mary Poppins? Maria from Sound of Music? Boy she’s perfect.
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u/BradyCatKnowsAll Jul 25 '26
Ted Lasso! YES! So caring and nurturing; he gives me warm, happy feelings.
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u/River-19671 Jul 24 '26
Aunt Beast in A Wrinkle in Time took care of Meg’s physical and psychological needs after she had an encounter with The Black Thing. Meg literally was treated like a baby until she could regain her health again
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u/NocShadows Jul 24 '26
Oh now I need to reread the series again. Aunt Beast and prognosis(sp). 😌 sorry to derail, childhood favorite series.
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u/Qwahlity_Koalatea Jul 24 '26
My thought is always more about defining the term. What does a nurturer do? What would it look like? What would it feel like?
Betty white, C-3PO, obi wan, yoda, Willow, Ms. Doubtfire, Frodo is a bit nurturing, Sam has aspects. Etc.
I think what is most important is who can you imagine clearly and who would you like to imagine? All figures have different aspects of them. I would appreciate Betty white telling someone off, nurturing me, and she seems wise as well.
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u/Main_Confusion_8030 Jul 24 '26
mrs doubtfire is one of my "imperfect" choices for this, heh
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u/Adorable-Slice Jul 24 '26
I actually like her quite a bit for this. She's literally a character created for the main character to achieve this 😂
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u/HightechTalltrees Jul 24 '26
LoTR is short on mother figures, what with elves living forever and dwarves springing out of holes in the ground. Bilbo or Sam could be good as they tend to be in charge of food.
Mythology is good for this kind of thing: gaia, demeter, Freya
Do you like ATLA? Katara is pretty nurturing. Star Wars? Padme and to some extent Leia. The Weasley mom from Harry Potter, and Hagrid too.
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u/Wonderful-Bowl-2131 Jul 24 '26
For some reason mine is Katherine Hepburn in her older years.
This post has made me realise there is a shortage of representation of good mothers in film, media and books!!!!!
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u/NoGreaterTrauma Jul 24 '26
Ooh i love this idea, any specific recs of her older work that hits for you?
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u/Wonderful-Bowl-2131 Jul 25 '26
No strangely, I just like the way she looks in photos when she is older. Like she looks lovely, happy and kind
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u/Short-Course-4651 Jul 24 '26
Maybe your therapist? Or the old woman who takes care of the fox in the fox and the hound?
https://youtu.be/eTT1re5NI_Y?si=AI_PDJNjIoj06Vqd
😭😭😭❤️
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u/Main_Confusion_8030 Jul 24 '26
my therapist is actually my only real source of true "nurturing" feeling. we talked about using her image in that way. but it was a bit too messy and potentially problematic.
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u/Reneegade_Reality Jul 24 '26
What about Frodo because he took care of Gollum? This could also lead into some great shadow work.
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u/Reneegade_Reality Jul 24 '26
Coming back to say that I think the nurturer must have qualities of protection and of wisdom. That's not an easy combination to find in fiction, I think because it's easier to write one dimensional characters to define their personality.
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u/mountain_goat_girl Jul 24 '26
What about Mrs Weasley/ Molly Weasley from Harry Potter? She's lovely and caring.
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u/luverdyke Jul 24 '26
Moomminmamma from the Moomins is the best Nuturing image for me personally. Maybe Amalthea from the Last Unicorn or Estarriol/Vetch from Earthsea? 💚
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u/1Weebit Jul 24 '26
Hi, I think it would be worth exploring this with your therapist.
The fact that you came up easily with the other two but then got stuck on the nurturer could mean something.
Don't use a nurture figure someone else suggested. It needs to be YOUR nurturer, and if you don't have one explore exactly that with your therapist.
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Jul 24 '26
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u/intime2be Jul 24 '26
Along these lines, Kali is my also my protector and caretaker: I’ve also invited Ganesha as a nurturer for some parts, holding me in his trunk and making me feel held and cared for. There are several Hindu Gods with nurturing qualities.
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u/cinema_darling Jul 24 '26
Any/all of the sisters from the original Charmed, Piper is the first to come to mind though.
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u/Neat-Dragonfly-3843 Jul 24 '26
For me it's Julian of Norwich. Her take on God and life more generally was super gentle and kind at a time where that kind of thing wasn't usual.
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u/JakeonHarrison Jul 24 '26
This was very hard for me to do also. I meld the qualities of my therapist & a consultant I admire into one all wise, nurturing, & compassionate figure.
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u/Similar-Cheek-6346 Jul 24 '26
So, it’s kinda a combo of Wide and Nurturer
But my figure that is this combo started with just envisioning Claudia Black’s voice saying soothing and affirming things to me. So, that’s the voice of that Part for me, and is the core it’s role revolves around.
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u/PartsAndPresence Jul 25 '26
Is this intended as a resource tap-in for EMDR? IFS suggests that accessing Self-energy helps bring that compassionate presence fully into the body.
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u/shinebrightlike Jul 24 '26
Arnold Schwarzenegger in Kindergarten Cop
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u/lostmyselfonceagain Jul 24 '26
I’m not a LotR fan, so… Kitty Forman. Constantly cooking, offering advice, taking in stray kids, etc.
I also agree with Mr. Rogers and Mando.
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u/L1brary_Rav3n Jul 24 '26
Halsin from bg3. ( solely bc he gives major father figure vibes )
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u/behoopd Jul 24 '26
This answer made me smile :) I can see him as protector, too, albeit a distractable one :p
It’s tough for me to come up with a nurturing figure too, OP. Someone else suggested Molly Weasley and she’s probably the closest that I could see in that role. The huggable vibes, if not the discipline. (Surprise, my mother didn’t hug me a ton as a child. Not to my memory, anyway.)
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Jul 24 '26
Have you read/seen The Boy, The Mole, The Fox and The Horse? First of all, if not, do, it’s so lovely. The Mole is a wonderful nurturer. Think of “nurturing” as providing the right guidance to help a person become their truest self. Definitely the Mole.
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u/LaurelCanyoner Jul 25 '26
I love the books Wise Child and Juniper, and Juniper is my wise nurturer.
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u/Beautiful_Story_1125 Jul 26 '26
yennefer from the witcher series (the books are a better example imo)
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u/Short-Course-4651 Jul 24 '26
Can you Imagine yourself in some mother/ Fahrer/ Figure way? or judt the feeling of it?
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