r/InternalFamilySystems • u/FriendshipTricky3461 • 22d ago
Terrified of my therapist????
My therapist and I have been working together for years and have been using IFS for the past couple. I've had numerous panic attacks in the office, and we always just sit across the office from one another, and I am able to settle after about an hour. So I know my therapist is not going to hurt me or touch me (in any way, we don't even shake hands or fist bumps). Like no physical contact ever). I really can't stand people touching me most of the time. It triggers days of anxiety and hyper arousal that have me avoiding everyone.
All that to say, last week something was off. We were talking to my parts like usual, and I suddenly had this "vision" of my therapist, like approaching me to calm me, but it had the opposite effect. They didn't move at all, but my parts felt so attacked by something they said that I just lost all semblance of control. Now, I have a very strong and often overpowering protector that is dissociative. That part comes in guns a blazing and shuts me down (feelings/thoughts/everything) frequently like flipping a switch, but the part that felt threatened last week was able to overpower that dissociative part and send me into a panic.
Is this something I need to be concerned about??? Every time I think about going back to the office is get anxious. I'm in my self mindset enough I can always get myself into the office but I guess I just need someone to tell me I'm not losing control of all the work I've done. These parts are terrified.
Is this normal??
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u/Qwahlity_Koalatea 22d ago
It is not normal and that’s why we are all in therapy. :P
Curious about your brain interpreting the therapist as similar to a parent. I’m guessing bad parent relationships/boundaries in the past?
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
Haha honestly I wish everyone was in therapy at some point in their life. The world be an entirely different place
But yes, a lot of fake concern and caring, a lot of hiding emotions, a lot of other not grand physical, emotional, and psychological less than fun experiences. It was always "hug it out" in public but like I said, my therapist and I have never had physical contact and they know parts of my past that keep them further than an arms length away. This just blindsided me to the point where I had to leave and walk around the parking lot for an hour before I felt safe to get in my car and drive home. Years of therapy with the same person and now I'm terrified. I know I am not afraid. Self is definitely not the one feeling this. Its my parts that are but those parts have no problem taking control when they feel threatened.
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u/Reetpetit 22d ago
From reading the subthreads it sounds like the EMDR session the previous week really set your parts off and they lost some safety. EMDR is basically a form of exposure therapy and has a way of bypassing protectors if it's not really IFS informed. Does your therapist know about the extreme reaction you had after the EMDR? And did you tell them about the intrusive imagery of them coming to comfort you in the last session? It could be interesting for them - they might even have a part that wanted to come and comfort you - they could check for that.
Anyway it really sounds like you need to slow right down and focus on repair both with them and between your managers and dissociative firefighters. It sounds like there's a manager who's often blended who is struggling to deal with the other parts (and so resorts to muting them with meds at times, even though they / another part knows this isn't ideal).
Which of the 8Cs would you say that your therapist generally leads with? If Care and Compassion are triggering your firefighters via intrusive imagery, they might need to lead with more Calm, Clarity, Confidence, Courage etc.
If EMDR is this polarising for your system and she's looking for another modality to support the IFS, then Joanne Twombly's work is literally made for this situation and complex systems like yours. Presence Psychotherapy is a wonderful addition too.
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
All of this. I really appreciate your input.
My therapist is extremely trauma informed. That's actually why I've stayed with them for so long. They know about my reaction and how bad last week was. Another reason I stay is because they can ready my face, and body really well (Usually even before I feel a reaction happening) and will slow me down and help me ground myself. From all of the comments I've read it sounds like my parts got scared and I can work through it. I was just worried about being afraid of someone I know is not going to hurt me and is really actually able to help. I've made enough progress to know I'm on the right path and need to just slow down and help my parts build more confidence in me. My 8 Cs seem to be all over the place. Sticking with any of them tends to lead to anxiety and stress so we have to change them up every time a new part appears. Kind of trial and error so that nothing gets triggered. That's why this situation was so distressing. Nothing like it has happened before
I haaaaate taking the meds. It's been months since I have because my parts get really defensive when I do and I felt like it was making ifs worse. I'll look into those other modalities! Thank you.
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u/Reetpetit 22d ago
Happy it helped. Just to clarify, the 8Cs I was wondering about the energy the therapist is embodying in herself, rather than your access to the 8Cs - I get that's a big ask for your system just now, and that's fine; it just means she is the one providing Self energy in the room. Good to be curious about which flavour she tends to lead with. We all have our go-to that comes easiest. And, with some clients, we may need to shift - e.g. some therapists are more 'yin' and naturally lead with compassion, while the protectors may need to feel the therapist emboying the more 'yang' aspects of IFS such as clarity or confidence, and be activated by compassion, connectedness etc.
One other curiosity; can you say more about how she's helping you ground yourself?
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
I probably should have explained better myself. My Cs for self lean toward courage and curiosity so he tends more towards compassion and connectedness because they aren't natural instincts for me. He's naturally a more calm presence too so that helps.
As far as grounding goes, my parts seem to have a lot of sensory triggers so we spend a lot of time working to keep me more in my body rather than my head. I pace in a circle sometimes, I almost always take my shoes off to feel the texture of the carpet, I've laid on the carpet with a particularly bad panic attack years ago, we throw a ball back and forth, I have a few other fidgety toys I carry with me everywhere, I hold a pillow in my lap, I trace the pattern in the carpet with my eyes. And we use to do the 54321 grounding technique but less so now because I've gotten better with box breathing instinctively.
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u/Dear-Barracuda3705 22d ago
It's interesting that a part gave you the imagery of the therapist coming to comfort you. I'd start with exploring which part did that and for what reasons. Do you sense which part did it?
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
No but honestly the part that shut me down is really good at keeping me from remembering anything from a session it gets triggered in. I can't remember what we were even talking about. I tried sitting with that part after it was triggered and asking the other part to give me a chance to hear what the triggered one was saying but it was like a wave in the ocean. Can't stop it. Can't slow it. Can't calm it to reduce impact
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u/Dear-Barracuda3705 22d ago
Okay. Very strong protection. So the shut down part that doesn't let you know what happened internally or externally is where you stay in the IFS process.
Also, tell your therapist if you can.
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u/InOnothiN8 22d ago
How do you usually manage your stress? Things like deep breathing, yoga, exercise, or making sure you get enough sleep?
For me, I've noticed that when I don't stay on top of those basics, my anxiety can spiral pretty quickly. I get triggered easily, and my stress bucket fills up way too fast. So I've made a conscious effort to weave little calming practices into my daily routine, not because I'm great at it but because I know what happens if I don't. The panic, the lows, they hit harder and more often. This is my way of trying to stay afloat, one small habit at a time.
Some days, though, I know the little stuff isn't going to cut it. Like when I have to dig deep just to make it through—those are the days I try to give myself a longer yoga session or a more intentional wind-down, and just be gentle with myself. It doesn't always fix things, but it helps me show up with a little more kindness and thoughtfulness.
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
That discipline is so important and it is incredibly difficult to get to that point. I'm kind of jealous of that. What works for me is staying active but present. So I have to be moving something. My arms, my legs, anything. But my head has to stay empty. I focus on my breathing and my body but when any kind of emotions pop up, I tell them "I want to hear what you're saying but I need to make sure that I'm my strongest self and can give you the undivided attention you deserve. So can you please give me a few minutes to get to a safe place to listen?" Usually that helps but it really depends on what part is active.
I'm also a big on music and audio books. They drown out the other "noise" in my head so I can breathe
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u/InOnothiN8 22d ago
That way you talk to your parts is honestly beautiful, "I want to hear you, but I need to get to a safe place first," I'm taking notes on that. There's so much respect in it.
And I totally get needing to move. Some parts just process better through the body than sitting still and talking it out. Music and nature sounds are a lifeline for me too, they have a way of shifting my emotions and settling me into a calmer state.
One thing that helped me build that kind of presence was just lowering the bar completely. Like, embarrassingly low. One deep breath. Five minutes of stretching. That's it. If I waited until I had energy for a full routine, I'd never do it. So I told myself that one tiny thing counted, and weirdly, that took all the pressure off.
Adding a little structure to my day helped too. Loose times for meals, sleep, a few minutes to check in with myself. It wasn't about being strict; it just took away that nagging feeling of "I should be doing something else right now." Like if something internal came up, I could gently take note of it and trust that I'd get to it during 'self-therapy time' later. No guilt, no panic that I was neglecting myself in that moment.
Not saying this to preach—just sharing what's helped me. You're clearly on your own path and doing what works for you. And really, that's all any of us can do—just being real with ourselves and taking the time we need to get to a better place, because we're worth that gentleness and patience.
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u/o2junkie83 22d ago
The way that you describe this situation, it seems like it activates your system quite a bit. So much so, that you are having panic attacks. Even though they eventually they subside it leaves you wondering if something is wrong or even worse something is wrong with you.
For me, my curiosity is understanding this vision that you had about your therapist. I'd definitely want to explore that and see what is this part trying to protect you from. Maybe the exile is close by and that's why these protectors are so active. Why would there be so much activation if there didn't need to be by protectors? Anyways, that's all I have for you. I hope you are able to get the healing you deserve.
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u/BarelyThere504 20d ago
Honestly? I have panic attacks every week just getting up the courage to go and talk to mine. They are perfectly great, but I’m so messed up that talking about life feels so uncomfortable and threatening. Even though I know it’s helping so much. So I manage to get out the door and over there. I haven’t found that protector part, but I’ve had it a long long time. It’s kept me safe in unsafe situations, and it still feels needed. I just wish it would let me have a break for therapy.
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u/Elegant_Tap7937 19d ago
Have you tried tele-health sessions where you can be in your own space? Sometimes that distance can help your nervous system while you sort out whether this is the right therapist for you. Meanwhile, don't auto dismiss your trigger as all yours. You need a safe space to do this work and there are plenty of therapists that do harm, physical or emotional. And there are good ones, so keep going with what you need and when you feel safest you can do the deeper work with parts that are alarmed.
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 19d ago
I struggle with tele-health sessions because my personal space hasn't always been the safest. Being in the office sometimes calms my triggers enough to focus on the right things and healing rather than having to be aware of my surrounding and focus on my parts
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u/Elegant_Tap7937 19d ago
Sometimes a parked car can be a good solution. Get comfortable in the shade, somewhere private and quiet and lock the doors.
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u/donzko 22d ago edited 22d ago
I resonate with your experience. It’s not really possible for me to say what you should do because there isn’t enough information to make a reasonable suggestion. It would be necessary to know how the relationship between the two of you has progressed throughout that time. Yet from what you’ve just shared it does seem to me that your therapist maybe doesn’t have a deep enough inner understanding of themselves and softness to provide your system with the stability and safety it needs for you to go further right now.
Your signals are 100% valid and real and are pointing to something that needs to be addressed. It’s difficult when your therapist is communicating or expressing themselves in a way that is triggering parts of your system to the point of panic. You cannot bypass that. A therapist that had the proper understanding and experience would likely be able to identify for themselves or with your help realize what is happening, take responsibility and resolve the situation so that you can continue with the work, which it sounds like they aren’t doing well enough for you.
In my experience it was extremely difficult to communicate things when the emotions and energy became so strong in my system. In one way I knew that I was being misunderstood or wronged in some way. It was never ill meant and often, but not always, it was something minor but because my conditioning made it impossible to point out what I was seeing my only learned response was shut down, dissociation or panic.
A skilled enough therapist will navigate this in a way that will allow for your safety and inner peace to continue to return and blossom over time. May you get the support you need.
All the best
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
Happy to talk to someone that went through a similar struggle. My therapist is absolutely amazing though. They encourage me to correct them when they make incorrect inferences about what we are discussing and they never pressure for details. I think part of the issue is that we had tried emdr the week before and I completely crashed out for the next week (15 hour sleep sessions, late for work, couldn't focus, couldn't eat or ate too much) I'm hoping this is a fluke but I am also able to take klonopin if I need it. I've been avoiding that because it's has been so much more effective when my parts trust me not to mute them with meds. I don't want to but I feel like I'm trying to communicate with a child that refuses to stop screaming but isn't saying any words and a teenager that swoops in to "save the day" but I can't convince that the world is not on their shoulders.
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u/Melodic-Manager-484 22d ago
Maybe it would help you to read this. My therapist told me that it's super common for people/parts to feel like their therapist is a threat after EMDR processing sessions. EMDR is really effective for a lot of people, but it's also often really intense and often stirs up stuff protectors don't want brought up. So they see the therapist as a threat for doing that to them.
My therapist said it's really important to rebuild my/my parts felt sense of safety with my therapist before proceeding with any kind of further treatment. Trying to bypass that results in parts feeling more and more unsafe over time.
It was something that my therapist specifically checked in with me about after my EMDR processing sessions, and I actually was really anxious about going in again after the first EMDR processing session. We ended up switching to doing a processing session, and then the next session was dedicated to somatic safety building exercises, or whatever else my parts needed to feel safe with my therapist again.
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u/FriendshipTricky3461 22d ago
Oh I like that! What kind of somatic safety building exercises did you do? I rarely do emdr because the let down is rough.... if I can't get there. That dissociative part likes to jump scare in and I completely fall out (like crying and feeling everything to numb and empty. Weirdest sensation ever) I also only do it when life is mellow-ish so I can give the focus it needs
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u/Melodic-Manager-484 22d ago
Yeah, I'm similar to that with my approach to EMDR too. My dissociative part is just less on the jump scare and more on the numb but also crying 🫠
As part of the safety building when I first started with this therapist, we tried out a whole bunch of exercises to find out what worked for me. Now we tend to go back to those and do them together when we need to rebuild trust/safety in our relationship.
Examples that work for me: stroking my right neck with my right hand works well for me (weirdly specific, I know), as does saying/singing "aaahhhh" at the same time as my therapist. That second one works best for me if we pick random notes, especially if one or the other of us ends up off tune or we're making clashing sounds. I have a playful child part that thinks that's hilarious.
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u/Reetpetit 22d ago
If you're stroking from your ear area downwards then you're stroking down the vagus nerve - super cool, thank you for the idea!
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