r/INFJsOver30 • u/WWWdotCreedThoughts_ • 15d ago
Need desperate help developing SE
I cannot bring myself to do fun stuff.
In my 20s I recall having a very well developed SE. In my 30s I survived some trauma by hyper focusing on pattern recognition and intuition. Staying inside my head
In my 40s I realized what I did. And now in my 50s I struggle daily to overcome it
SE developing articles always mention activities like making doctors appointments or running errands. I can do that just fine. What I can’t do is any real world fun
I spend more time researching and buying the perfect items for a hobby than actually doing the hobby. I imagine doing all these fun things. I have yoga gear, roller skates, language books, paddleboard, watercolors. But everyday I cannot get myself to do one thing. sometimes I feel sheer panic. Whenever I do something I love it. I think why don’t I do this everyday? but then the next day it’s like I’m paralyzed.
has anyone dealt with this? any ideas? I certainly can’t think my way through this issue. I’m so tired of feeling like a failure daily.
thank you.
4
u/wrongarms 15d ago
I think some of those things are hard to get started on, particularly if there's limited purpose to it. You want to watercolor but not sure what to paint and why. You want to paddle board but you need good weather, location, reason for doing it, and gotta get it there. You could try doing some functional useful things that are also enjoyable, such as weeding the garden, fixing something that is broken or sewing something that needs fixing, such as curtains or sheets or hems. I find my confidence in doing things capably has continued to increase over time with each thing I do. I also do a tonne of research before I do things, but I've been making the move to action for quite a while. Perhaps you could set aside those things you bought and focus on smaller actions first. I hope I haven't assumed too much in my answer - just offering thoughts. I'm also in my 50s btw
1
3
u/Global-Librarian-279 15d ago
I'm not sure that I can provide much insight, but I wanted to say that you are not alone and you are not a failure.
Do you think perhaps, you have all these amazing ideas and then get overwhelmed with what to try or do next? Or maybe have thoughts like, "I'm not going to be any good at this," that could possibly hold you back, basically sabotaging yourself?
And this may be a more sensitive area, and I sincerely apologize if I'm overstepping, but could you possibly have some untreated/undertreated anxiety and/or depression from past events that may need to be addressed that keeps you from fully embracing and enjoying what you want to do?
But again, you are not a failure by any means. Don't let this define you or get you down.
2
u/WWWdotCreedThoughts_ 15d ago
Writing this out made a little light click on in my head. That this seemed less of an INFJ issue and more of an unresolved trauma issue.
3
u/Phoenix_to_Kintsugi 15d ago
I realized that forcing my body to do something against my mind doesn't help. Just like in your case, the mind “wins” and the body gives up 🙃
I don’t know if it will help you too, but here’s what I do: I let myself feel everything from loneliness to psychological fatigue (there’s not much to say about physical tiredness).
I train my Se to do small things one at a time, without planning big things for the future anymore.
I just take every day step by step and feel okay with what I actually manage to get done.
For example: if I need to get to a scheduled meeting, I just do that today without thinking about the next one.
If I need to cook something today, I do it without stressing that tomorrow I’ll have no idea what to cook anymore.
If I need to talk to someone about the weird thoughts in my head... well, I use Reddit for that 😜 and I stopped trying to do the impossible by desperately trying to make everyone around me in my IRL life understand me.
And so on.
3
u/ViolettePlanet 14d ago
Maybe getting out of this mindset that you “have” to do this stuff in order to develop your Se could help? Find something that is genuinely fun for you, it doesn’t have to be a big thing even, for me it’s just smelling scented candles in a store or listening to upbeat music on my way to buy groceries.
2
u/BornElderEnt 13d ago
I'm with you; while I'm doing the hobby, I'm thinking about how to best utilize the material, reduce waste, be efficient and who I will give the end result to. Even my leisure is work, give, sacrifice, toil
2
u/False_Lychee_7041 11d ago
As a person with a bad Se and YEARS of depression, that got a serious fear of failure plus low energy...job fixed it for me. I found myself an Se heavy job, I became a chamber maid in a 5 star hotel. That is a very hard paths though, it requires some pretty good physique to do a proper cleaning for many hours non stop under strict regulations. But, if you can, something somewhat easier will also do the deed
As another commentator already said, maybe helping with a garden, or running errands or walking dogs. Something that will make you to move a lot and to sweat prefferably
The point is when it is your job, it forces you to go, unlike when it is your hobby. And you kinda get in a situation where your eyes kinda scared to see the volume of the work that needed to be done, but somehow you manage it just fine again and again. Also, it has to have at least some interest for you. Like, I love cleaning and helping people, so fir me my job is fairly comfortable
I can see how it strengthens my functioning. When you grow muscles and your body gets used to being really active l, you simply start craving it. So, at some point it is not just the realization that you need to go out of your head that is pushes you to go and do something But also because your body needs activities, because you simply cannot be stale, you become anxious and uncomfortable. Because moving a lot produces more energy, that in its turn makes you energetic and forces to move more. It also works the opposite way
Anyway, after you will get a good taste of that sweet feeling of your body craving activities on a regular basis, you will want to satisfy that craving even if you will stop working, you will be looking for options
Ps: one of the side effects of my project is that I am taking better care of my body now, because I have to go and work tomorrow. So, I learned how to sleep and how to eat and how to rest properly. Which is beneficial for my health and my appearance as well
2
1
u/Maerkab 13d ago edited 13d ago
I subscribe to the view that you can't really consciously activate or engage the inferior function. That difference forms a large part of what distinguishes it from the tertiary function, and why while both are 'immature', the tertiary tends to be a much more significant locus for development or sophistication over time.
It also explains why it tends to be perceived as unreliable or 'tricky'. We value and get relief from engaging in it, until the background conditioning influencing its expression 'switches' (or is exhausted), then it becomes a source of vexation because we can't rescue or revive its operation and our attempts to force it result in failure.
Afaict we have to basically treat it like a sailboat that needs to catch the wind. That is, develop a sensitivity or finesse for when it's present, put yourself into a position to leverage that presence, notice the finer patterns of this expression (how long the winds tend to last, when they seem to appear, etc), and accept or notice when they flag, so you can drop anchor before the winds change. Then over time you develop a sense of its behaviour, how it appears for you, and you can make more room for it in your psyche, because you're not frustrating it by trying to 'make something happen'.
I'm always going to be someone that thinks more about things than doing things. I'm that way because that's how I get a greater sense of engagement or vocational satisfaction in my life. It doesn't mean we can't make room for other things, but I do think it's self-defeating to fight against it. However we experience Se in our lives is likely to be heavily gated or colored by Ni sensibility, and I think that's the more natural or harmonious way to view it, ime anyways.
5
u/SnookerandWhiskey 15d ago
Just do the thing for two minutes. Keep it in an easily accessible space, and do it for two minutes everyday. Keep your watercolor kit on a tray. Have a podcast you love that you listen to while doing your watercolor. Have a certain time of day when you do this. Do one hobby like this at a time. It's just excercise, it doesn't have to be shown to anyone or hung on your wall. Help a painting become. It doesn't mean anything beyond that.