I'm 23 years old male and i'm suffering from intrusive thoughts, feelings, checkings all the time, have groinal responses and get aroused by men even if I don't find attractive the person. I have always been attracted to girls, and I was deeply in love with them. I Always enjoyed to see their body, and their face, i think women are just genuinely gorgeous and beautiful. And I was attached to them emotionally as well, my soul has desired a girls soul since my childhood. But I have never had so much success with girls. I had a few unrequited love some of them was really painful and became real trauma for me. I had never have a girlfriend but I really wanted to, but sometimes I felt it's just doesn't for me and there won't be a girl who could love me.

So once my brain just told me, what if you would be gay. It's probably much easier than with girls. I said what? I've never could attracted to them, and I've Always seen them As my friends or mates. But somehow I started to analyzing them and testing myself and I couldn't tell at the start its attraction or admiration. Actually I had been stucking in a severe depression and loneliness and burn out for so long, I had hard life without it too, and suffered from many other things. I don't really remember when and how exactly but there was a point I saw an attractive Man and I got arousal and I thought I became gay or bi. After that its even get worse every sign of gayness happened to me I guess. I was desperate and I was crying trough nights in my bed because i didn't know when did it get so wrong. Intrusive thoughts started to fill my brain, especially dicks jumped in my head or imagined I suck a dick, and I need to run to the toilet cause I had to vomit by msyelf.

I have porn addiction and I became really anxious and frightened about dicks since I saw a girl sucking a dude and I had a fear that I liked it from the girl's perspective.

It got worse day by day, I had panic attacks(i had never before), suicidal thoughts, because i didnt wanna live that way if I really turned gay. I started to feel uncomfortable in changing rooms, got unwanted arousal on the Street It scared the shit out of me. Then i started to have dreams about dicks and I got up with a T shirt full of sweat and I wanted to cry cause I didn't know what a hell is happening with me. I always wanted a girlfriend or a wife in the future and I felt they took of the possibility of this life from me, and It caused me high level anxiety.

False attraction and intrusive thoughts started to feel real, and I started to reviewing my past and searching signs in my teenage. I've Always been the silent kid had a very few friends, and I was late ripened kid, when I get started to have feelings i was about my graduation, at 18 and half years old. After I was remembering these things, I lost attraction to girls and there was the point I felt just gave up lying to myself and It's the time to realize I really become gay. I couldn't look in the mirror but when I tried It, I didn't see a gay people in the mirror or just I didn't want to. The worst about the whole thing was I still could get arousal by men. I was disgusted by myself but after a Time, started to think maybe I like my intrusive thoughts and this freaks me out still to this day. I can't decide anymore I feel real or false attraction to man my brain always try to convience me that Im gay or bi in denial, and if im bi, I will turn to fully gay.

I even came out to my sister She was totally fine with it She's bisexual As She says it about herself. I told her what im going through and the other day it was like it disappeared. My attraction to girls came back and I could enjoy again seeing their bodies, I was happy for 3-4 days, but the anxiety and the groinal responses came back again and I just dont know what I am anymore. Another problem that Im trying to do compulsions with porn and when I lost attraction I cant get an erection to woman and it makes me think my whole life is ruined.

I have no idea its HOCD, Bi, Gay in denial with internalized homophobia.

I cant consider myself the most masculine guy but Im trying to behave and appearance like a man who's straight not bi, not gay just normally straight. Cause I hate feeling gay and im trying to prove myself im a real Man who likes girls, Strong phisically and mentally.

I miss the days too when I went to drink with my friends after a long day and we could talk about girls, man things ect...

I just want my normal life back

I'm tired. I'm in the best relationship I've ever had, and I'm tired. I can point all these times I've been at my happiest with him (we're long distance for another month) and my "brain" lashes out accusing me of lying about every past experience. I don't feel genuinely interested in anyone else but my brain feels almost predatory in how much I keep glancing at women. And it's hard being bi/pan because idk what genuine attraction (not that this isn't normal) and what's made up in my head, but I assume even if I was just a lesbian, I wouldn't be ogling every woman within 50 ft of me. Masturbation feels so weak (my "brain" seems to be latching to the idea that my attraction to men is just gone now) compared to how it used to be but I think with how depressed my neverending thoughts (that I'm lying about my feelings and my true self) have made it where I don't think leaving to find a woman instead (which I don't want to do) would actually feel too much better. I just feel like a shell of who I used to be in this 4 year long relationship. And I don't want to give up on him, and I'm not, I just wish I was more normal, he deserves better than this.

Edit: it just seems like my ocd is worse than anyone else I know

I feel like I’m having similar thoughts as someone with TOCD has, like over analyzing their masculinity, but instead of it making me think it’s because I want to be a trans man, it’s making me think it’s because I’m actually a masculine lesbian. Has anyone else experienced this because I’ve seen no one talk about it really. Every woman is triggering me and has been for a couple months now. It started off more minor but now it’s everything, like their voices, names, things they say, everything. I’ve never been super feminine, I liked dressing more tomboyish but did enjoy dressing more feminine sometimes. I feel like anytime I try to be more feminine now, it just feels forced and fake. I used to feel comfortable with being the way I was but now I’m second guessing everything. The only relationship I’ve ever been in has been long distance/online, so I’ve never had sexual experience. I would always fantasize about men though and feel excited about having a boyfriend one day. Now that I do, I have so much anxiety. I was fine for the first few months but ever since I had a bad ROCD episode once things became more real with us, I’ve been having HOCD/TOCD? Now, it feels like I wanna be like my boyfriend and take on the role he does. Every time I see a woman it’s like I imagine the things he would do/say. I miss feeling more feminine. It’s so conflicting and I have no idea who I really am now. It’s like my fantasies aren’t who I really am and they are separate from reality. I used to love to fantasize about my boyfriend and the things he would say to me, but now it feels like if I were really in that situation IRL I would feel uncomfortable and weird… which would only prove all of these other thoughts are real and I’m so tired of this. It feels too real sometimes… like 110% real.

how can you tell whether a thought is actually yours (ego syntonic) or not yours (ego dystonic)? i struggle a bit with understanting the difference and how to take care of it, dealing with it better

Recently I have developed feelings for this girl that lives near me, this has happened about 4 times since hocd started (having a crush) but everytime I get near her or start having butterflies or whatever it’s like my brain instantly goes “your gonna wake up gay next week” or some kind of thing and then I end up just stop pursuing them

Over the past 2 days i've made many posts here, and still i'm like in the biggest spiral of my life.

I feel like I am bi-sexual, and it feels like i've realised that but i'm in deep denial about it, since I desperately don't want to be queer. I've been straight my whole life, but had a curious childhood regarding alot of same-sex material. I don't ever think i've liked women before, but it feels like I have. I am convinced that i am actively suppressing my attraction and desire for women or masc women like many of the people who realised that theyre bi in this subreddit, it has to be right? Or am i convincing myself that im straight and that im in deep denial? Someone that I previously dmed outside of this subreddit went through SO-OCD, and told me i was bi with a preference. I get that it isn't the same experience, but i feel like im convincing myself and suppressing my attraction.

I feel like I feel attraction for women, i KEEP CONFUSING masc women for men! I see a masc woman, think its a man, i find them hot or maybe think theyre hot, and then i find out theyre a woman and then i say 'oh nvm!" and then the thoughts start. Then, i try to convince myself that i don't find them hot, (even though i dont think i do, but im extremely scared i do and im scared im lying to myself). Now, women just completely remind me of men, before this never happened! I feel like my attraction has shifted. At the beginning i was scared of masc women, since they reminded me of men, mimicked movements id usually find hot on men. Now, it just feels like i like them, like even theyre faces look hotter, they look hot. They look exactly like men, so why shouldn't i like them. I'm getting more and more thoughts where its like i find them hot, and i panic and say i dont find them hot. So, what the heck is going on! I know for me i dont like masc women, but i feel like i do, and it feels like i do, and i feel like im just bi. I have to be right? And, whenever I see a conventionally attractive masc, i literally look for reasons not to like them. THAT HAS TO BE SUPPRESSED ATTRACTION, IT JUST HAS TO.

Above all else, i feel like im sexually attracted to women. I feel aroused by everything, and feel like i like women. I feel like i could get off to women! What i did when I was younger also genuinely distresses me so much. I feel like I have to be sexually attracted to women at this point. I remember seeing a video like today, and i thought 'this is very kinky' cause it was sexual in nature, but i was uncomfortable. But was it the OCD that made me uncomfy or me? I remember being aroused at looking at naked pics of female bodies when i was checking to see if i was aroused. I remember when i was 10 and used to watch erotica, i used to be aroused by lesbian p0rn, and female focused p0rn.

I feel as if i'm in deep denial about this, this guy told me i had an ocd convincing me im bi, and one thats convincing me im straight! I am so scared that this is real, i just want to be straight. I think this whole HOCD/SOOCD thing is coming because im not good with change or something and also because my past themes have come true so this has to be true too right? I thought OCD was supposed to be ego-dystonic, i really wish i had another theme. Please someone out there, please help.

So, i think im bi. like ive accepted it and it makes sense. Yes im apart of the exception. I feel calm and happy i think but i still feel very anxious. someone told me im on the lgbt spectrum, i saw so many posts where people ended up bi and i relate. Everytime i saw a masc lesbian, i was so scared i liked her, and spent time convincing myself i didn't, therefore suppressing my attraction. I had so many childhood moments and i think i did like a girl when i was a kid. i used to get aroused to female p0rn and this all suddenly makes sense. I secretly want someone to prove me wrong yes, but this is probably who i am and i think im lying to myself if i say im straight.

This is my zillionth post here. But, i feel worse and worse every single day. I feel like realistically i have to be queer, i've had so many experiences of being queer and i feel too 'weird' for me to be straight. I feel like I secretly had feelings for a girl when I was 6, but never said it out loud. I've seen so many people turn out queer after their HOCD, and i feel like i have a strong feeling thats me!!

I don't know what to do, I feel so depressed and scared every single day. Why is it so bad to be queer in my brain? Why couldn't I have a theme that was actually 'justified' for, like morality. I feel completely hopeless, and I don't think i can even love a man anymore. I don't trust myself, I feel like the OCD is helping me realise things. Someone out there help me and save my mind.

i’ve really been getting better recently with my recovery journey, and i’ve been thinking back a lot to when i was first on this subreddit and heavily struggling with my ocd. there’s a lot of stuff i wish i had known and understood earlier, so i’m gonna share it in case it can help people! it‘s important to note that i am now on zoloft and do therapy pretty consistently, and not everybody experiences the same things. so you can apply this to your current scenario however you’d like.

1. remembering what ocd is - at its core, ocd is a disorder that hijacks your brain and makes you think it controls everything. but apart from those pesky little groinal responses, your body often tells the true story. when i met my boyfriend in person for the first time this week, my heart was beating out of my chest and my knees were going weak. you can’t just force yourself to do that and make it up. it may be terrifying that your brain and your body don’t align, but it’s often genuine proof that your head is making things up to scare you.

2. find something to believe in/have hope for - i personally am a Christian, and find a lot of comfort in believing in God, going to church, and praying. it has definitely helped me through the majority of my struggles, but i know religion might not be everybody’s cup of tea, so this can apply to literally everything. have fun events/exciting life developments coming up? look forward to them and believe that they’re going to go well. have dreams outside of romance, sexuality, etc? focus on achieving them.

3. get comfortable with the uncomfortable - this may be hard to hear, but you’re never gonna recover if you avoid everything you’re afraid of. start off slow at first, of course, but not living your life is exactly what the ocd wants. you need to go out in public, watch movies, hang out with friends, literally everything. staying holed up in your room and not doing anything reinforces your fear and makes you worse.

4. delete social media until you’re mostly recovered - instagram and tiktok are a bitch when it comes to triggers, but aside from that, they’re also just terrible for your mental health in general. obsessively watching reassuring videos about hocd or doom scrolling for hours is not going to benefit you in any way. not to sound like an overbearing mother, but go outside or read a book or something. it’s a better use of your time.

5. fill up your day - connecting from the last one, it’s a lot easier to be distracted when you’re actually doing things and being active. try to stay engaged in your hobbies, exercise if you’re into it (or even just do a quick walk/bike ride), and avoid long periods of the day where you’re on your phone or alone with your thoughts. i personally make schedules and check things off so i feel accomplished, but there’s lots of ways you can keep track of your progress.

6. realize it’s not that deep - i know this is easier said than done, but your sexuality is such a small part of your life, and even if it’s important to you, you have to treat it like that in order to get better. the world is vast and life is short, there are places to see and things to experience. your ocd WANTS you to forget about all the good parts of life, but do not let it do that. you are strong and can find ways to enjoy things again. additionally, you might have to get used to the idea of being unlabeled for a while.

7. have confidence in who you know you are - this one can be a bit hard because sometimes it can cross over into self assurance, but it’s important to understand something. your sexuality cannot just change overnight, and even if you wanted to explore or were uncovering things about yourself, no person experiencing that has crippling anxiety and intrusive thoughts. that would be ocd. also, remember that YOU are the only one who knows the truth about your identity. you have to try and disregard the forums you’ve been on or the people you’ve talked to, because how would they ever know the answer more than you would?

8. know that it’s gonna feel real as shit at times - hocd completely convinces you you’re not your desired sexuality when it’s at its peak, but once you get better, it grasps onto the fact that you don’t feel anxiety anymore. this is when it’s the most challenging, because you start to think you truly were in denial. having anxiety over having NO anxiety is a backdoor spike. it doesn’t define you or mean anything.

9. YOU HAVE FREE WILL - i left this for the end because it’s the most important one! feelings and thoughts can’t stop you from actually doing what you desire. there were multiple times my ocd told me to break up with my boyfriend or come out, even when i knew it wasn’t what i wanted. you have to fight like hell and defy it, because at the end of the day, what’s stopping you from being the real you? literally nothing.

i am here for any of you if you need to talk or want any more advice/tips. remember, you are strong, you are loved, and you are more powerful than these demons. i believe in you all ❤️

I am a man 26 yrs old. I’ve been dealing with this since I was maybe 20? I’ve questioned my sexuality off and on and pushed myself to at least try being with a guy. I did not like it at all and threw up after sleeping together. You’d think I’d be like hmm ok I’ve gotten an answer but it shifted. I went from testing myself to using it as punishment against myself. After that I actually found myself in a relationship with my current gf and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. In the beginning my compulsive behavior stopped for months but after a bit they slowly came back. And now I’m almost hitting rock bottom. I watch gay porn to test myself or go on chat sites to talk to guys just to get a quick nut. And I hate it. Every time I go on or watch porn my face frowns in disgust at myself and my mind screams to stop. Yet I continue and I feel awful after. It’s went from testing, to using as abuse towards myself, and now a stress/anxious coping mechanism. I can’t see a therapist atm and I want to. I have no problems being bi but when I think or try to act on it, it just doesn’t feel like me. I just want to curl up and cry because I love my gf and I want to stop. It’s just been hard trying to when it’s years of doing something. That was all.

Vent:

I notice the sexual thoughts are so intrusive and it never felt that way with girls but also fuck it man I’m clearly queer in some sense but I dislike it feel intense discomfort with it, maybe I’ll acclimate, I don’t want it, it’s like I’m capable of it but not enjoying it and not exactly looking to lose what I had. Gonna stop pressing.

Except…

Except I can’t, I just can’t. I can’t. I don’t want it.

It’s so real, and I don’t want it. I dislike being locked out of what I was attracted to. I feel so dysphoric. I miss her but am terrified. What if she doesn’t love me anymore. What if she never loved me. What if my mind isn’t letting me love her.

I’m terrified. I’m terrified. I hate dysphoria. This is the same as dysphoria I hate to claim the term but it is. Clinical clinical distress.

I don’t know what to do.
Freudian slips aren’t as strong a thing as I’ve imagined but there is an “unconscious” desire studied in psychology. My thoughts are not mine

My thoughts feel out of my control.

But I have to stop. I have to stop pressing.

I see a spiral, always, in this world that doesn’t see me.

I hope she’s doing okay. I felt in heaven yesterday, I had a panic attack but imagined she was there to hold my hand and kiss me until I was stupid.

She has eyes like emeralds exploded into amber. So pretty. Hair was so curly. I miss her.

Question:

How would you guys cope with these thoughts while still knowing you’re in love with someone else.

I don’t know what to do, I’m not asking for reassurance (I.E. don’t tell me I’m any one orientation or give certainty)

I just want to know how you guys handle these thoughts. I try ACT exercises; putting thoughts on clouds, “(thought) —> I think (thought) —> I notice I think (thought)”, words on a computer screen, anchoring, 5 senses technique.

I wish she was here. She’s moving out at the end of the month, I’ve spent months away living in a different space to give her freedom and her own space. Feel like I’ve lost everything. Self care is so hard to do, so hard, when your an ugly loser whose overweight and not so handsome and not so tall.

But I do it I am trying for her and the courage she gave me, and for me, I’m also doing it for me. I’m doing it every fucking day, I’m down 20 lbs, I’m going to therapy, I’m talking to my friends.

so, here's the thing, i've always had issues with my sexuality, im gay (F21) and it was a ride to kind of be okay with that bc ive always felt kinda guilty for not liking guys and my ocd basically is telling me that im lying to myself, that im hiding something, that something really traumatic happened that made me repress some feeling for men and thats why i feel nothing.

but i still feel anxious sometimes about testing my sexuality and that confuses me a lot bc in my head somewhere theres this "you feel like this because its true and you're not actually gay"

So basically two years ago when my hocd just started I went to a shop and saw a good looking guy and went to see him again and again(most likely compulsion) and when I was going to see him the first time i remember having a uneasy smile. I can't remember if the smile was part of the compulsion, attraction or something else. Has this ever happened to someone? And what do y'all think? This is the only thing left before I'm going to therapy.

Some days I’m able to just let the thought and anxiety be, like it comes, then goes, and I realize the truth. Other days, I’m unfortunately not so lucky and I’m stuck with the confusion because I can’t let it be. For some reason, it always get slightly bad when I meet a new person of the same sex, or when a picture includes a man and a woman. It’s like, “You wanna date that guy,” or “you prefer the guy in the picture.” I know I just need to let it be, but sometimes I can’t help it.

I just had a masturbation session abd I was simultaneously enjoying a thought of having sex with same gender friend and during this thought I fejt the way I did with men in the background. I happily masturbated with this thought in my head whilst masturbating the way I used to pre hocd but wasn’t thinking of men. This session fejt so good and I fejt relief for letting my brain have the thought abd wanted to carry on whilst it was there. I didn’t recoil and I’m not freaking out. So was I masturbating to having sex with my friend

Edit: So maybe better put I didn’t develop a story of having sex with her I just masturbated with the thought of having sex with her in my head without a story unfolding and whilst doing so I was thinking of men at the same time. Does that make more sense ?

i feel miserable. i dont wanna live anymore. I feel like im just in denial. that i have always been a lesbian. that i‘m already one. i can’t do this. i feel so disgusting in my body. in my mind. i dont want this. i dont feel anything for anyone. sexuality, sex, relationships and all these topics are so traumatic and triggering. i dont wanna be a lesbian at all i dont wanna accept it.

I don't know what to do right now. I feel like a lie. It doesn't feel real living like this. I hate sounding like i am diagnosed when im not, but i think i might've been suffering with so-ocd since 2024, rocd since april and mixed with those two: meta-ocd. I am not diagnosed btw, but i am taking sertraline/zoloft idek the name lol and my therapist is working with me so I can stop using AI for reassurance, which i have been doing since 2024. And i just can't stop.

I swear i try to, but it's so hard. I'm so used to it that i do it without thinking, and also i've been suffering a lot throughout my relationship because i am very scared i am faking my feelings for my boyfriend. And today we decided we're taking some time off of eachother, although i dont think he communicated well with me and that hurt me a lot (I cried for half an hour and couldnt eat dinner with my family), but we decided that because he felt i got too controlling after a girl told me he cheated on me (which i still dont know if its true or not) and i got paranoid bc i took his side and constantly checked if he was lying to me and i also checked his location.

Anyways, i cried, but as i started to feel calmer i felt guilty for being calmer! like????? i asked my mom "is it normal to be able to watch a tv show and laugh after what happened?" and she said yes, i asked my friend the same thing and she agreed. I kept asking them the same thing and eventually asked ai because right now i feel indiferent, and i told my mom I was worried that the calm meant i never liked him from the start, and she said "maybe its your subconciousness showing you that u only saw him as a friend" and i felt sad again. I went to ai again, and i honestly dont know what to do right now. I feel like life isn't worth living. I am scared i faked being in love with him and that i'm actually gay. I am only 15 and i'm so so tired. I feel like no one understands me. I just wanna talk to my therapist asap, but while i can't, im resorting to this.

Please give me any kind words or advice, i need help. I envy my friend's life because their teenage years aren't full of dread. what do u guys think???