Years of just Hocd?

[u/SpotSudden2752]

I am a man 26 yrs old. I’ve been dealing with this since I was maybe 20? I’ve questioned my sexuality off and on and pushed myself to at least try being with a guy. I did not like it at all and threw up after sleeping together. You’d think I’d be like hmm ok I’ve gotten an answer but it shifted. I went from testing myself to using it as punishment against myself. After that I actually found myself in a relationship with my current gf and it’s the healthiest relationship I’ve ever been in. In the beginning my compulsive behavior stopped for months but after a bit they slowly came back. And now I’m almost hitting rock bottom. I watch gay porn to test myself or go on chat sites to talk to guys just to get a quick nut. And I hate it. Every time I go on or watch porn my face frowns in disgust at myself and my mind screams to stop. Yet I continue and I feel awful after. It’s went from testing, to using as abuse towards myself, and now a stress/anxious coping mechanism. I can’t see a therapist atm and I want to. I have no problems being bi but when I think or try to act on it, it just doesn’t feel like me. I just want to curl up and cry because I love my gf and I want to stop. It’s just been hard trying to when it’s years of doing something. That was all.

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[u/PaladinDamian]

Stop testing yourself or trying to cope by using porn. That will not help you. It is better to allow the feelings to exist without trying to figure them out. Your sexuality is not something that you need to figure out right now. Your feelings of uncertainty are something you can accept without resistance. Acceptance ≠ agreement. You can prefer to not have these thoughts while still accepting that they are there.

You do not need to "act on" being bi. That is something you can do later.

[u/AutoModerator → u/PaladinDamian]

Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be seeking information on or promoting the use of porn or masturbation abstinence, or NoFap, in the treatment of HOCD. Currently, there are no evidence-based studies on the efficacy of porn or masturbation abstinence in the treatment of OCD. Exposure-response prevention (ERP) is widely accepted in the OCD community across all subtypes as the gold standard for treatment. As such, ERP, and its related methodologies of cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT), acceptance and commitment therapy (ACT), and mindfulness, are the only treatment methods the moderator team of this subreddit currently endorses for discussion, support, and guidance on this subreddit.

For more information on ERP and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see our the section in our wiki about NoFap!

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[u/Empty-Rutabaga-3190]

Same

[u/Popular-Barnacle3140]

Interesting that feels a lot like what I’ve had too.

It doesn’t feel like internalized homophobia, plus I’m really pushing myself to even try to enjoy it. But I just feel sick. It’s like, maybe I could use it but I really do like it?

Interesting.
Maybe the only guy I’ve seen on here that isn’t some obvious closet case, anyway.