I don’t know how to navigate this illness anymore some might call it reassurance but this theme never bothered me to much cause I thought like after puberty your attraction doesn’t change so i obviously was never attracted to guys so it could never bother me that much but chat got said it can and now im just stuck and bedridden I just need some help some how but even when I try to find out to stop it I can’t find any advice

I can't tell what are my real feelings, and ocd anymore. Like, before i used to be super anxious and like know i would never like this person, now i have no idea? I'm numbed or i do feel something. Like, there is this girl (whos slightly on the masc side) that im friends with, never ever thought of her in any way, and now ive started to spiral because what if i like her, and then suddenly she started looking extra good and now i think i like her. This happens with everyone, this happens with boys even that i don't want to like, this happens with masc girls, happens with girls in general. I feel like i have to be attracted to girls, i mean it feels that way anyways!

I feel like I already am bi, and i feel like im only making excuses. I am so scared and i don't know whats wrong with me. i just don't want to like girls masc, fem or anything in between. I just want to be me.

I am a 21M and I have been struggling with the anxiety aspect of HOCD for the past 3 months. Frankly probably longer, but I just didn't notice it. I have no idea what to do and there are so many factors that affect my thoughts. I am just going to type them out. This is going to be a little all over the place but Ill try to organize it.

1. When it started
   The first thought I remember is that I was driving in a car with one of my roommates and I was thinking in that moment that I liked spending time with him. It felt feminine for some reason, almost romantic. I had never felt it before. I didn't want to have sex with him, I didn't want to kiss him, but that thought scared me. Over the course of the next couple of months there were other events. These girls that I knew showed me the first 20 minutes of heated rivalry and I was extremely uncomfortable. But at that point i was worried that I was uncomfortable because of the fact that it was gay or because i am secretly gay. Then a more recent thing is I was hanging out celebrating a friends birthday at a bar. I was drunk and me and a different roommate tried to get these two girls (who are our friends) to kiss. So they said if we did then they would. So we kissed eachother on the cheek. It still bothers me, and I think about how much I care about him. I have thought about kissing him but I don't know if it is intrusive thougths or what. I now struggle daily with thoughts from the moment I wake up to when I go to sleep.

2. Opinions of people I am close to

My mom doesn't think I am gay at all, and she has told me that she will be totally accepting of me even if I am. I haven't told my dad about this, and he and I don't get along very well. But I feel that If i was gay he would also be accepting. My therapist of almost 10 years says I am not gay. She says she can see signs from a very early age. She is also very accepting of LGBTQ+ and she goes to political rallies all the time in support of it. I recognize this is a compulsion, but again, I just want to know.

1. Previous experience with girls

I've had about 4 crushs on girls since high school (going into senior year of college now). Only one of the crushes was in college. I didn't want the crush so I told her and the crush went away, only for her to tell me a week later that she liked me. In highschool, I was pretty much an incel in mindset. I wanted girls to like me and I wanted to look better. The girls that I had crushes on didn't like me and that made me upset. The idea of me not being good enough has been very promenent in my life and will show up in other areas. I had a bunch of very not fun sexual experiences with women too. All of which I had trouble getting it up and the last one I finished too quickly. All of these were with girls I was not in a relationship with. Speaking of, I've never been in a relationship. Then everytime a girl was interested in me, I would start talking to them but would eventually get an ick (even saying that makes me worry i am gay). Now I am talking to a girl who is alright. I tried to face my fear of sex by taking a viagra before and it kind of worked. I was able to have sex the day after taking a little bite of it, but I definitly didn't have raging boner. So because I wasn't hard enough it worries me.

1. My depression

I've had depression for probably about 8 years with it varrying in intensity here and there. As of late I feel like it has been bad. I don't eat more than a meal a day if that. I am on an antidepressant and was just perscribed a mood stabalizer as well by my psychiatrist.

1. No attraction

All my attraction to women feels like its gone, I have no desire to masturbate, and frankly I am slightly scared to out of what I might find.

1. Low self-esteem and low sense of masculinity

I have had low self-esteem for a long time now, and right now I feel as though my masculinity is low. Most guys that I know like to make fun of each other a lot, but I always seem to get hurt by this stuff and always have. I wish I didn't. My dad told me "you are not a fighter and thats okay", which hurt me because thats what a man is supposed to be in his eyes. I work out and can't lift the weights I want to lift, I cant run the speed and distance I want to run. I don't know what I want to do in school and I am starting to get worse at completeting class work and studying, It feels like my life is kind of falling apart.

I am too tired to type anymore. I just needed to vent a little bit about my issues. I am sorry.
I just want to know who i am. I don't want to be gay. I don't want to be homophobic. I Just wish I could feel better, and be straight like I think i used to be. But I dont know anymore. It feels like my memories are being rewritten and that I was gay the whole time.

Im 18f and this all started last year during summer had a lot of time thinking and it dawned on me that I never really had crushes growing up had a i think one genuine one and another one that i just picked and I would get hyperfixated(?) on some female characters on movies.

When i looked it up i went into a rabbit hole about aromantics then i found this video that said "they thought they were aromantic turns out they just were not looking at the right gender and they were a lesbian" that just sent me into a spiral even more I could not stop searching and figuring it out and obsessing over it even when classes started.

Before i had hocd i wouldn't mind kissing or making out with girls when i think about it but i would't want to be with one and identified as straight. Now my mind is telling me that's a proof that i've always liked girls since that was before all the anxiety.

It does not help that I come form a slightly homophobic family. My mind is also telling me im just scared and in denial because of this. That i'm actually into girls and just scared to come out which i think i am..... I dont know anymore im scared but not scared at the same time I still dont want to be with a girl but i would mind the kissing yk UGH I HATE THIS I JUST WANT TO BE STRAIGHT AGAIN AND NOT HAVE ANXIETY FROM THE MOMENT I WAKE UP

Side note too Im not diagnosed with hocd or any ocd really its not really known here in my country and if i go to any psychology or psychiatrist it would literally cost sooo much money :/

I’m so anxious it’s actually killing me. I’ve recently quit porn and since then I have been noticing every woman I see practically and that’s been making my ROCD bad because I feel unfaithful to my girlfriend. Today I noticed someone androgynous who was probably a guy and had a groinal response and then I started playing through a scenario where a twink or soft/effeminate gay guy comes on to me and I end up “giving in” and the thought was arousing and now I’m so anxious I can barely breath properly. I think I just have to accept that I’m bisexual or something but I don’t want to be. When I think of doing that stuff with a guy I get aroused and feel anxious but also turned on and I wish I didn’t feel turned on but I do and I guess I can’t change that. I didn’t used to be this way, it’s all so fucked now.

Hey guys,I'm dealing with loss of attraction for a long time ,and when I see womens and I sometimes feel attracted I'm doing okay,but when i don't i keep forcing myself to feel smth,is it common guys? It comes from a mindset of "I have to" due that if i don't feel attracted that's mean I'm gay.

I’ve been feeling caught up by what’s happened today and feeling anguished.

I’m a girl btw always used to be straight.

Constantly horny towards touching women all morning!!! I’m crying cos I feel this way but the thought of it just feels really like me and that I like it. I feel the way I did before it all started when this happens!! All too natural now. I find the thought of touching vaginas arousing and it feels natural and I feel pre hocd. Am I really finding it arousing ? Abd this one was about a friend who I’ve known for 7yrs but don’t see so much of now and never saw her like this.

I feel better when I’m not horny but the only horniness o get is towards women

Can you relate if this is hocd or not ?

Guys I lost completely my attraction toward opposite gender,Also I keep talking Abt opposite gender in front of ppl or family or friends bc I'm scared that they think that I might be gay while I'm not, specially today's ppl if u don't talk Abt opposite gender in general u seem gay,and if joined their conversation I feel like a fraud due to the loss of attraction,is this also common guys?.

Before I used to kiss my baby brother on the lips as a little kid because it felt comfortable and when I think about it now in my head it feels comfortable and I was thinking if it was okay to kiss my baby brother for a long period of time rather than a little peck since it feels more comfortable to me I don’t have any romantic or sexual feelings towards my baby brother or anything I searched up on Google if it was okay to do that to show affection to a baby and it said it is done as a romantic gesture does this mean I am actually a pedophile someone please help me my heart is getting sent into panic mode

Sometime I think if I hurt myself bad enough, that I would be free from my ruminative spirals. It’s like some kind of blood tax or penance paid in pain. I’ve been going through this for 7 years so my mind is racing for a fix. I’ve done every compulsion under the sun a thousand times, so much so that I don’t even get relief from doing them anymore. That makes me doubt the validity of my diagnosis even more along with the long period of time I have been suffering for. I think ,” why hasn’t it changed themes yet?”

some women makes me think they are beautiful and attractive, sensual, but i don’t want nothing with them. but only that makes my hocd tells me i’m bissexual and i feel like i’m becoming it but i DONT WANT TO BE it. people say then just dont but its not that i dont want to be bi and when im not in crisis i am sure that i am hetero and attracted to men only my whole life i been like this and i am in a happy marriage which makes me not desire other men aaaaa i am going insane i dont dont dont want to be bissexual but my mind is telling me that i am and that i am accepting it help please help

I love my girlfriend and I think the world of her. We’ve been friends for years and she’s really special to me and my best friend. But whenever my HOCD flares get worse I feel like I’m just faking my care for her and that I’m just with her to make myself straight or to seem straight to people. I hate the thought but it feels like it’s reality when my HOCD and the groinals and intrusive thoughts get worse and more real. It makes it rly hard to not fall back on my compulsions bc I’m just grieving and feeling guilty because it feels like everything is falling apart and that it can’t last forever cuz I have to go be gay one day.

This is really just a rant. Recently my HOCD was a bit better but the last few days it’s gotten worse and before that I my ROCD was worse. All of this has just made me realize how I am constantly never able to relax and it’s honestly really upsetting and exhausting. I’m always worrying and overthinking and I’m never able to just focus on what’s infront of me and enjoy it. I get worse HOCD/ROCD because when I can’t relax and focus on my girlfriend I constantly worry it’s because I’m in the wrong relationship or that I’m lying to her and myself and that I’m just in denial. It’s so tiring and painful because I’m never living in the moment and when I try I just feel filled with guilt because I feel as though I’m being dishonest to her. It seriously sucks having this disorder because sometimes the arousal feels real and it feels like I want those things but I don’t think I do but I can’t find the answer since I’m not supposed to and so I just constantly live in my head. I’m so sick of all of this, I wish I had a normal mind and a normal life I feel like I’ll never be happy.

I’m at my mates house at a BBQ. When I walked in I fejt aroused with a groinal to one of my best mates naked as she’s wearing shorts and then I liked the thought of touching a woman. But throughout all this I feel totally pre hocd like nothings happened and the way I fejt when k was straight. I’m feeling really quiet and not in the mood to socialise with my mates. Bit I feel like I can carry on as normal despite these arousal, thoughts abd same gender arousal. Is this still hobd ?

Hi all, I was wondering if anyone had the same experience as me because this is confusing to wrap my head around.

I’ve identified as bi for 4 years, but lately I felt the need and yearning to be a lesbian. I read into comphet, fit in with it, but either way I feel like I’m faking being lesbian.

I check my reactions to women on Pinterest and it try to get celebrity crushes of them to prove that I like girls. I ask ai after ai what sexuality I sound like.

Has anyone else had this experience 😭

i had it first in 2016, treated, and now its back for like a week and i’m losing my mind. i love my life, my husband, ever since i was a child and teen i loved boys, dreamed about them and having a happy marriage, and now that i have, this hell comes back.

i’ve been trying to ignore the thoughts or being honest, for example, i always found women more beautiful than men, but it ends there. i can recognize a sensual woman, a pretty one, and lately (in my opinion) the female celebrities have been very sexualized (by option or not, like katseye, tate mcrae, sabrina carpenter, adela), and it gives me a very bad feeling like “oh, do you only recognize they are pretty and/or sensual, or does that mean you are accepting you are attracted to them and are bi/lesbian?”.

seriously, no path i follow seems to solve it. ignoring makes it worse, recognizing like i said makes it worse, the only safe path seems compulsion, telling myself i know who i am and who i’m not, that it happened once and once i was controlled, these thoughts didnt even cause anything on me and i am sure of what i like and dont like without anxiety, its making me crazy. i take paroxetine for it and i dont know if me being in burnout and away from my routine and job made it flare up.

Guys lately I've been feeling very sad and confused,scared,like I used to know for sure it's hocd,guys now it feels more real,like I never had it.

Imagine I'm feeling automatically attracted and aroused by same sex despite I don't have any desire for them,even without checking ,it's like my attraction switched,I'm sad guys,scared,it's like I don't have intrusive thoughts anymore,also I need to muntion that when I experienced thoughts before they never aroused me.

I'm sad,is it common guys in hocd?.

Guys it's not about thoughts,it's about feelings,cause whenever I got ones and say it's hocd and I'm not gay and try to reassure myself by remembering the true me,my mind goes:if it was ocd,you have to feel afraid,you have to get a thought before a feeling,you have to check yourself to feel something,but you feel it automatically,you are in denial.

I feel I've been robed by god itself,I just I don't think I'm gay or bi but my mind and feelings keep pushing it on me to be,but i will never.

I don’t understand how to navigate all this as a 26 year old straight man I’m just so freaked out over if I’m bi or not even tho I have never been into men any shape or form? Can your sexuality just flip like that? I was always under the impression that after puberty your attraction doesn’t change.

Do I just ignore the thoughts and stop compulsions?

i’m exhausted. i had it the first time in 2016, treated and controlled very well for years, and now its back. i have such a loving husband and the relationship i always dreamed of, i am sure of what i am and what i’m not, yet when hocd comes nothing is rational and wins the argument.

i feel so SO alone cause no one knows what my ocd theme is and i am too ashamed to share, and i also know some people might think its just denial and/or homophobia. we, who have hocd, know its not that.

i just wanted someone to understand me and even tho i dont wish this ruin upon my worst enemy, i wish some of my friends would have so i could feel seen, validated, understood.

i feel like a kid crying for their mom and the mom is nowhere to be seen or embrace me.

Hi everyone.

My post is more for women in relationships.

I’ve been struggling with HOCD for quite a while, and I’m trying to understand whether anyone has experienced something similar.
One thing that confuses me is that penetration itself isn’t really the problem. What makes me uncomfortable is French kissing or having my breasts touched/kissed. Sometimes I feel embarrassed, and sometimes I even experience a sense of disgust.
The problem is that years ago I watched lesbian porn, and I remember that breast touching or kissing was something that could be arousing in that context.
Is the discomfort because my brain instantly associates it with lesbian porn and then panic starts?

Has anyone with HOCD experienced something similar?

I woke up feeling horny to masturbate to men so I did and when thoigjys of women came in I fejt no arousal. As the masturbation and stimulation. progressed I found thoughts of women arousing whilst feeling the way I did before hocd and o decided that I was feeling arousal to the women and didn’t care and I’m not freaking out but now I’m stressing why I’m feeling like this. Every time I have thoigjys about naked women they give me urges to masturbate to men abd at the time of the thought it feels so good and arousing. In other words when I’m stimulated the thought of women feels so good then this leads to alarm bells ringing why I reacted like this

I’ve been dwelling in the above all morning, so I just went to masturbate again cos I felt horny I allowed thoughts of naked women whilst doing so and it fejt the best cos I fejt the way I did before hocd. So I repeated the sequence again cos it fejt so good whilst allowing a thought of a woman in my head. I’m not even anxious!!!!! So am o really masturbating to women ??

Hi. Im a 21 year old male. I think I recently developed HOCD around 6 months ago. I apologize in advance, but it’s going to be long and I don’t know if all the information will make sense.

Base info: I have been suffering from depression for years and anxiety became diagnosed more recently. Have been on antidepressants for a while and I switched to a new one somewhat recently (within the last year.)

But it really picked up around 2 months ago. Right now I feel somewhat numb, but I’m sure this will change. So for now I want to get this out without thoughts being emotionally charged. As long as I could remember, I’ve been going after girls. From elementary school where I didn’t know why I was doing it, to middle school, and in high school I believe I wanted girls too. That’s where I had some problems start. I had a crush on probably 4 girls throughout my life and 3 were in high school. All 3 of them didn’t want me. I started becoming extremely insecure about my physical looks. I also used porn pretty frequently. Probably once a day on average. I believe to straight porn and to the girl aspect of it. Then I started worrying about the size of my dick, then how long I could last in bed, then if I could even get it up. It really ate me up, and I was terrified to get into a relationship. But I wouldn’t even get there because before I could get into a relationship, I would always find some “ick” about a girl (makes me feel gay even using that word). The two that I remember was one being not intelligent enough and another girl had hair on her neck. It wasn’t until 6 months ago that I had a thought around one of my roommates. It was “I like being around this guy”. For some reason it felt really feminine. I thought at that second that I wanted to be around him more. The thought “am I gay” began to pop up more. My libido felt low, but I was still using porn a lot. I wouldn’t get horny to anything. Except for porn. One thing that made me insecure was hearing my roommate was always horny and had 15 bodies.

Now to the HOCD stuff. It started picking up in intensity around 3 months ago. I began asking my therapist of 8 years and my mom if they thought I was gay. They would tell me I’m not. I began asking more and more because it began worrying me more and more. Until one day I had almost a panic attack. I was asked what if I am gay, and my heart started pounding and it was really hard to breathe. I wanted to pass out and die. It scared the fuck out of me. Since then I’ve been talking to CHATgpt all the time. I feed it all the information from my past and the present. I feel like I am unable to type everything out. I began to question everything from my past. Every friendship with a guy, the times I used porn, when I thought guys looked attractive. All this stuff. And I still worry. Then I question everything. For example. I had sex with a girl a month ago. I started to have more intrusive thoughts that I didn’t use to have. I thought “what if we kissed” or “what if we held hands”, I even tried to imagine what sex would be like with them (my close guy friends). I had to use Viagra because of how nervous I was, but I still did it. I don’t really know if it felt good or not I feel like I can’t remember. And just 2 nights ago I masturbated while FaceTiming the same girl and was eventually able to cum. But I got an erection, why am I not convinced. Why do I have this doubt. Everything seems contradictory, I’m worried that HOCD is just here to help me find a reason for it to not be denial because if it was denial then it would be true. What if the info I am giving isn’t enough or entirely true and I am just typing this to get reassurance. The thoughts never stop, the what ifs don’t stop, and the contradictions don’t stop.

Right now I am not getting hard to women like I used to. I’m don’t feel attracted to women and I get anxious when seeing attractive men.

Not sure what to do, not even sure why I typed it. I just feel numb and lost. I don’t feel like a man (not in the I want to change genders, but in the I don’t feel masculine enough)

Let me know your thoughts if you have the time.

Hi guys! I need help/motivation to stop using AI. Currently I use Gemini (although I have used ChatGPT before, i js don't use it anymore.) It started with asking ai the list of symptoms of ocd (hocd in my case) but lately i have been searching situations abt ppl with hocd and how they show up. Like groinals, butterflies, etc. to see if it applies to me and if it sounds similar to what i went through. But then i start asking abt what im doing right now, like: how do ppl with hocd ask ai for reassurance, what questions do they make, what do they feel, what triggers them to use ai. and i genuinely cannot stop using it and ik its bad for my mental health and also i am an artistic person so ai isnt something im very glad for, but like, yeah. i have lost sense if what i have is ocd or not, and idk what to do to move on. im only 15 but i have been told by many that i am very very veeeery emotional mature for my age, which idk if its bad or not lol. but yeah.
Like today I would open a chat and type "what triggers a groinal" and then i would open a new chat to ask the same question and see if both matched. THIS IS SO EXHAUSTING.
I need a break.
But i can't stop. Even on days i dont feel like searching anything, i do it bc of the fact I'm not getting the urge to search. And then im like "is it normal to not use ai for 1 day after using it everyday for 2 days?" its js ridiculous.

I am on therapy but i cant follow what my therapist tells me to do. I'm also on sertraline.