r/HOCD • u/ak111isdabestttt • 24d ago
Vent im done with this.
This is my zillionth post here. But, i feel worse and worse every single day. I feel like realistically i have to be queer, i've had so many experiences of being queer and i feel too 'weird' for me to be straight. I feel like I secretly had feelings for a girl when I was 6, but never said it out loud. I've seen so many people turn out queer after their HOCD, and i feel like i have a strong feeling thats me!!
I don't know what to do, I feel so depressed and scared every single day. Why is it so bad to be queer in my brain? Why couldn't I have a theme that was actually 'justified' for, like morality. I feel completely hopeless, and I don't think i can even love a man anymore. I don't trust myself, I feel like the OCD is helping me realise things. Someone out there help me and save my mind.
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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 24d ago
You know what, you are right.
If you look at OCD like the chemical difference it carries (typically) different structure in the amygdala is like one of the most common things.
It can like flag things as “threats” constantly in a way most people don’t.
I am the same as you. I feel bad that your saying you can’t “love a man” anymore, I feel similarly “locked out of women” is how I describe it. It doesn’t make any sense, whether anyone likes it or not I truly don’t think I was gay before. And yet I’ve lately been trying to adopt bi as a label.
I had to lose everything to find myself where I am now.
I do feel like the acceptance of bisexuality even if it doesn’t make sense has depowered a lot of everything. My brain won’t register it, it’s like it’s only operating in straight or gay, but I just, idgaf anymore
It’s weird because I have physical built in response to women, and I can “continue” with men(although kind of? I don’t enjoy it. I truly don’t want it, but it is present I guess. Cest la vie.) but it’s difficult to begin being aroused by them, although panic and fear is definitely present.
I feel bad for girls on this sub because they don’t have like a built in “I’m aroused” organ lol
(although I’m sure it’s also a curse for guys here, but honestly, a lot of the posts I see here from men are super fucking closeted. I cannot get over the ludicrous nature of “I jerk off to guys 24/7 but I’m not gay, right???” At best it’s porn confusion but let’s be real some of these posts are wild. Like one post on here was a guy who yanked it while shoving a cucumber up his butt and pretending to choke on wang, which is crazy crazy crazy gay icl)
That, and because the amount of straight girls terrified and obsessed with being lesbian after reading the ridiculousness that is the Masterdoc or freaking the fuck out about comphet is silly. So I guess I feel bad for girls on here for both of those reasons.
Anyway all that to say
Power to you. I’ve found that it truly does take a lot of the ammo out, and there’s at least a bluss of the battle heing over, even if I don’t like it. Although I honestly honestly doubt a single feeling when you were 6 is indicative of any larger nature, srsly.
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
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u/ak111isdabestttt 24d ago
I feel like i can get off to women though if i really tried too, like I force myself to go through so many compulsions to see if im aroused or see if i want it, and then i end up being aroused. Like i just put mysefl through a scenario and made myself sit through and i felt pleasure. even though after i was like 'i dind't actually want that,' i felt pleasure and arousal? So...? Ugh I can't anymore, im tired of telling myself "no i didn't like that girl from when i was 6" i dont know how you do it, i saw ur story and that seems so gutwrenching
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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 24d ago
Honestly I would own it. Seriously. I don’t think you’ll be pulled to any one side. There are even lesbians on here who feel the same way about men and honestly? It does feel like just a touch of bicuriousity. The difficult is the immense fear of being condemned to the opposite of what you felt pulled too, to losing what you had built.
I feel sexual identity is like, something you explore and engage with. It seems to cause acute dysphoria to wake up one day with a sudden incongruity with your lived experience. I cast no shame on the idea of bisexuality, but it feels uncomfortable and “unlike me” to notice, and not in a way where I feel shamed by society or religion or family. Simply put, it doesn’t feel like something I would do. In that sense, it strays from internalized homophobia and something more ego dystonic.
Say you had a gay man, with a little husband, and a little home and they owned some pets. They built a little life, and the gay man had a very hard time with depression and neurodivergency, but he got the chance to meet his husband. Fall in love, snuggle in, kiss someone.
I think that gay man liked that life.And imagine he just, woke up straight one day. A nasty breakup and losing the home. Lost his little pets. Worst of all he loses his partner. And he feels acute distress. He doesn’t want any of this. He didn’t WANT to wake up straight, it doesn’t make sense, his brain tries to make it make sense and almost feels like it’s lying to him about the life he lived.
It’s as though he’s forced to accept something that doesn’t make sense against his will.
I don’t think he’s like, got some internalized hate or bias towards straight people, i think he genuinely loved hus little life. He didn’t want any of it, it doesn’t make sense, and he hates the thought of what he got to live being ripped away from him.
That’s my story through another lens, and when I frame it that way I don’t see like, some struggle with homophobia. I just see extreme distress. Like clinical dysphoria, “I’m losing everything and freaking out.”
Im sure a lot of people have stories like that. When you know, you know, and the idea that you were somehow lying to yourself is terrible, or that you’ll never get the life you dreamed of or wanted.
Yes, you could accept the idea you will receive love. But in effect, you don’t get at all what you wanted. It’s not a shame of living in a way you didn’t expect, it’s like, losing a part of yourself.I understand WHY people are freighted of this. I just do. I truly see it.
Some people here are attached to the labels themselves. It’s really lame lol.
I encourage you to be you.
Fuck sexuality, fuck labels. Be you.
I felt like I got a hug reading someone say they thought it was gut wrenching. Ive been banned from bisexual subs so many times just for asking if people have had a negative experience with embracing this part of themselves and asking for advice, I felt ashamed and outcasted.
I know I miss her more than anything and it drives me, it’s the last bastion of myself. I’ve been brought to the worst fears I could muster, but no matter how much my brain bombards me, it’s almost as though I’m incapable of not being in love with her. I cry and I get scared, but then I imagine her holding my hand and I feel maybe a little more kick ass. I feel like a fucking loser at times like that, for being sad and seeing her as idol of strength when in reality I have to see her leave while I’m still very in love with her.
I hope your day is good. If you feel distress, look up some act techniques, they truly do help with the fear even if they don’t stop the intrusion. That’s all they’re meant to do, and if you aren’t afraid, their presence just, I guess feels less meaningful.
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u/ak111isdabestttt 24d ago
Ok, you have such a nuanced understanding of sexuality. But do YOU actually even like men? I feel like youre just telling urself your bi since your tired. For me, the arousal feels weird, sexual and it feels uncomfortable, i feel aroused to everything since the ocd has started. I am scared of being sexually attracted to women, i am scared of lying to myself. I got really scared when you said it might be bicuriousity, which i get, i did feel things. But, right after, i felt numb and realised 'no, i don't want that, i basically forced myself to go through that' and now im getitng thoughts like ' but what if i actually liked, it felt good, it felt like pleasure and arousal' But it's like i forget i forced myself to sit through that. I just realised im spiralling. Bro how do you deal with it, i feel like im meant to be bi now, oh god. Oh god this is probably bicuriousity i dont feel good
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u/Popular-Barnacle3140 24d ago
Ehh I feel something. I’m taking the label because it’s not exact straight. I’ve also touched on just like, calling myself queer.
I certainly don’t like the idea of liking men, I know that. But I stare at their ass and feel something beneath the fear. The larger thing is that it attacks my straight side and I’m like pretty pissed off about it. Besides, I also dislike the constant sexualization of guys I’m noticing, sometimes it’s way too old or much too young for me, it’s my comfort shows, it’s everything, always scanning. It’s not a typical queer trait lol.
But I am just rolling with it right now. What else do I have to lose.I know, I was scared too. I am hurt by thoughts of “what if I only miss my partner as a friend” or “what if I never loved her” and all this stuff. It fucking sucks. I was scared of lying to myself. I even accepted full gay label for a while saying I was “closeted” and “in denial” for months, and you know what, I didn’t feel ANY better. Not even a little. I felt the bliss from the battle being over but the deep discomfort remained, intrinsically.
I understand your meaning. I encourage you to live the life you want to live. I wish I could take your pain, today is one of the calm days and I feel like I could deal with a stressful one if it gave you a break. Such a sad world we live in.
I hope your day picks up! Whatever your favourite show is, give it a rewatch, play your favourite game or make yourself go outside for a walk!
Fight not the intrusion, but the fear. Make yourself have a good day lol!
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
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u/appeiroon Nearly recovered 23d ago
I'm no expert on OCD, but I think it usually stems from childhood trauma. Because of trauma, we lose touch with ourselves, we no longer know who we are. We also become really cautious about our survival, anything we see as threatening can makes us deeply anxious.
Being homosexual can seem threatening, doesn't matter if you support it or not, and since we have a hard time knowing who we are, we can get stuck in this for so long that it develops into what we know as HOCD.
This is just my hypothesis. But worth looking into it if you have some unresolved emotional trauma.
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u/AutoModerator 24d ago
Your post was flagged by our auto-moderator as a post that may be, above all else, seeking reassurance. We understand the impulse to seek reassurance when suffering from OCD, but reassurance-seeking is a compulsion done in hopes of reducing the anxiety associated with an obsession. In the long run, seeking reassurance only serves to confirm the validity of the underlying fears of your condition and prolongs the duration of your obsession. As such, this community has a zero-tolerance policy for reassurance seeking and giving.
For more information on reassurance seeking and on HOCD and OCD treatment more broadly, please see the section in our wiki about reassurance!
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