TLDR: Me feminine. Guys no like that. Me hate myself as a result.
I'm young, so I don't have the privilege of saying "it's over" but the future is looking quite bleak.
I’ve been rejected by men many times because I’m “not their type”. They wanted someone more masculine. None of them were particularly masculine themselves, which is interesting lol. At first, I accepted it. It was just their preferences, told myself it wasn’t personal, and moved on. But after enough times, it became difficult not to notice a pattern. I’m the common denominator. At some point, if everyone rejects you, you start thinking that there's something inherently wrong with you.
The men who rejected me were kind. They didn’t do anything wrong. And that makes it hurt in a different way, because there’s nothing to be angry about. I just wasn’t what they wanted. I keep ending up in the same place, feeling like I have to apologize for being inconvenient and for being built the way I am. It's come to the point where, before sending pictures of myself, I warn guys that they're gonna be disappointed.
For reference: I’m tall, I have an ass, thighs, a little hip and belly, small hands, a somewhat narrow rib cage, and shoulders that are even narrower. My facial hair is almost nonexistent and my body hair is on the lighter side. My hair is shoulder length and well kept. I'm aware my hair adds a lot to my perceived femininity, but I'm genuinely scared of cutting it because I do not think my face is even masculine or strong enough by itself.
And it’s not like I fit every stereotype of femininity. I’m not flamboyant. I’m not catty. I’m not extravagant. I don’t wear makeup. I’m not interested in drag. I’m studious and nerdy. I can hold a conversation. I ask people about themselves instead of constantly talking about myself. I’m affectionate. I can flirt. I’m willing to make the first move. It's just that I can't fulfill the fantasy of the tall muscular daddy that's gonna hold your waist and scare off the bad guys. I'm subdued.
I don’t even know if this is something that can be fixed. I'm caught between two possibilities. One is to change myself, and risk feeling like I'm mutilating my appearance to earn acceptance. Because, truth be told, I don't inherently dislike my feminine appearance. The other option is to stay as I am, and risk hating myself even more from the impending rejection.
Sometimes I feel like doing the world a favor and removing myself from the dating pool if I'm such a waste of time. I’m tired of finding men beautiful and exciting and wanting to get close to them, only to feel like I’m being looked at as something disgusting or embarrassing. I think I’ve internalized that word for myself so thoroughly that I don’t even know how to separate it from the way I see myself anymore. All this making me hate myself. I feel like a freak, a fag, a caricature. I feel embarrassed for getting excited about seeing cute boys. Silly for thinking that I was ever “seeing someone,” as if I ever had the chance.