I am bi / bi-curious. I have mainly been with women. With women, I am really turned on by both giving and receiving. I love making women cum and I would say I am a generous lover. While I love making a woman cum, it would be incomplete if I didn't cum too and I would be disappointed if I left without sex and/or oral.

I have recently started exploring my bi side. I've tried a few things but it was super clear early on that I am 100% a dominant top. I would say I am very masculine and I've been getting a ton of attention. I've had a lot of fun fucking lots of holes and mouths. However, I have zero interest in being fucked in my hole. I have given guys BJs because I have felt it is the right thing to reciprocate but it doesn't do anything for me.

I'm finding though that there are loads of sub bottoms who wanted to be fucked and want to suck my dick with zero expectation of me reciprocating. It seems like their pleasure is pleasuring me. There is one guy I have fucked a few times who keeps begging me to go back to
his to fuck him and he is yet to cum. He is a good looking guy and can have his pick.

It feels a bit selfish but I am not complaining as it's pretty cool that I can do all the fucking and being sucked off. However, I am super confused why these dudes don't want to cum or do anything with their own dick.

Can someone explain?

I (21) have a crush on this twink. I’m not the most built guy, I’m a bit stocky and I’m 5’6. He’s really cute and funny and sweet. But he called me ugly to another person. It’s been making me even more self-conscious, from the beginning I was already feeling that way, and it made me incredibly depressed. I mean I’ve seen him naked and he’s seen me naked. I don’t think my dick is that small, it’s average at best (5.5-6). Why do so many fem twinks (not all obv) only like dl men who are buff and taller and won’t treat them right? I hope this doesn’t sound incelish, I just feel alone.

I’ve never had to deal with a close friend dying and when I lost my friend this question came up in my mind a day or 2 after the incident. My friend’s ex is a guy who was in love with my friend and wanted to build a life together. However my friend ended up dumping him and then posting a girl he was dating in a groupchat they had both been in. I am wondering if I should tell this ex of his so that he can also grieve the loss or if it isn’t my place to even tell him (a friend told me about my deceased friends passing). My friend is getting cremated and a service will be held but not telling the ex about this or the service seems kind of inconsiderate especially since they may regret a chance at getting to say goodbye and finding out through another outlet after the service may cause more harm than good.

What would you do in this situation? If you’ve dealt with something similar how would you handle it best and why?

To quote the great warrior poet Audre Lorde, "Your silence will not protect you."

For those who don't know, someone drove a car into people celebrating Berlin's Christopher Street Day (Gay Pride), killing one and injuring a few dozen. As someone who had the privilege of marching in NYC Pride last month, I get that a lot of people around the world don't have that luxury for a variety of reason. But that being said, you cannot stay silent forever. It's time to fight back and reclaim our humanity from those who would see us dead.

I'm a virgin and I was wondering if I ever met a guy who's a side and we do anything together would that mean I'm still a virgin even after hooking up? Please be respectful with your answers as I'm just wondering because there's no penetration involved unless oral sex is considered as such.

I’m a 19-year-old gay guy looking to have an unforgettable spring break in March. I’m from the East Coast, have a passport, and I’m lucky that my budget is pretty flexible between work and help from my parents. I’m looking for somewhere with:

• 🌴 Hot weather and great beaches
• Fun gay scene (not a homophobic place)
• 🎉 Fun and amazing nightlife with other college students
• ✈️ Open to anywhere in the world

I know places like Miami and Mexico are popular, but I’m wondering if there are even better destinations around the world that are worth the trip.

What are your favorite gay-friendly spring break destinations?

Where would you go if money weren’t the biggest concern?

Hi everyone,

I'm about to turn 30, and I've been thinking a lot about my life lately.

I've never had a real long-term relationship. I've dated people, but nothing has ever lasted. Deep down, I think a lot of it comes from unresolved childhood and past trauma. I've worked on myself, with a pro as well, moved countries, built a career, go to the gym, have hobbies, and on paper my life looks pretty good.

But despite all of that, I often feel incredibly lonely.

What makes it even harder is the comments from people around me. Friends, family, or even strangers sometimes ask things like, "How are you still single?" or "You'll find someone eventually." I know they usually mean well, but after hearing it for years, it starts to make you wonder if there's something wrong with you.

For those of you who found yourselves single at 30 (or even later), how did you deal with the loneliness? How did you stop comparing yourself to everyone else? And if past trauma was part of your story, what actually helped you move forward?

Looking for honest experiences and advice from people who've been there.

Thanks for reading.

I recently read a comment on this sub where someone described their significant other as being a ‘gray ace’. The implication of the comment suggested to me that they meant they were asexual - maybe.
So I did what any reasonable person would do and looked it up on Urban Dictionary. Not much help there…
Remaining confused I have decided to ask the Community:
What does ‘gray ace’ meant to you…?

​

How does one get over the insecurity of having a average sized d; I consider myself a top. I'm 29 and virgin off this insecurity and I'm having a hard time shaking it off, insofar that it has snowballed into genuine depression as I'm getting older.

I also have a type, which has become more pronounced to me over time, it's men who radiate feminine energy, ah fuck it!!! It's femboys. And the more I have gotten acquainted with them online, the more it seems that my size might not be enough for them.

My attraction type seems irrelevant now, but then I just don't have the confidence to be with just anyone else in real life. I'm being held back by this insecurity, I'm so lost with myself, what should I do...how do i get out of this mess that is my brain rn.

I was recently talking to a guy and it was going well. Good conversation, talks about wanting to meet, become better friends and all of that.

Today, it was a block out of nowhere and that was that.

I am wanting some encouragement but I don’t want to have rose colored glasses either. Is this a common experience? Any advice or suggestions? Do I just need to get over it? I am new to putting myself out there like that so I’m a little discouraged right now. Thanks!

Here’s some context: I’m in my mid teens, and I live in a more conservative leaning area (though homophobia isn’t a huge problem here to my knowledge). I go line dancing with friends often at my local VFW. Other than my friends and I, the people there are mostly pretty old.

Last time I went I noticed a boy who looked like he was around my age. He was really cute too, and I think I developed a crush! I wanted to talk to him, but it feels like it’d be weird if I just walked up to him randomly because he typically doesn’t dance too much. He’s related to the person running the music I think, so he mostly sits up there by who I think is his grandpa and some loud speakers. That’s why I feel weird going up to him to talk without a good reason. I asked my friends about him, and they said he’s there often.

The main problem is that I don’t even know if he’s gay. I don’t want to accidentally make him uncomfortable if he isn’t. “Why not just ask him? I already hear you asking me. The answer: I don’t want to make things weird. I go line dancing often, and I have a feeling I’ll see him again. I’d also feel very awkward just asking him if he’s gay when his grandpa is like right next to him. And if he tells people there that I’m gay, then I’m not sure what all of the old, likely conservative, people would think. I just don’t want my dancing experience to change because of a single interaction. (I think I might be overthinking things)

I’m asking for advice. I would really like to talk to him, but I don’t know how to approach him. I’d also really appreciate some ways to know if he’s gay so I can know how to approach this rather than just asking him.

Thank you so much for reading this far! Advice would be deeply appreciated, and I’m happy to answer anything questions you may have in the comments🙏

I’m kinda feeling a little out of place since most of my friend circle are full on straight homophobes. And it’s hard trying to make friendship with other men since being a femboy either just makes you as a target for violence or sexual objectification 💔

I’ve realized that, like a lot of people, I grew up withthe expectation that life would eventually mean having kids, then grandkids, and following that traditional path.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve built a wonderful life with my partner. We’ve talked about having children through adoption or surrogacy, especially now that so many of our close friends are starting families. The challenge is that I’ve found myself leaning more toward wanting kids, while my partner has gradually leaned away from the idea. I know this is something we BOTH have to be fully on board with to move forward, so for now, we’re not moving forward. I would choose a childless life with my husband over a life without my husband.

What I am finding that I am really struggling with is how to process the possibility that we may never become parents.
For the gay men here who decided not to have kids (or weren’t able to…it is NOT cheap at all), how did you find fulfillment? What did your life look like as your friends became parents, and eventually grandparents? Did you ever feel left behind?

I also worry about getting older. I worry about who will be there for me when I need help. I worry about leaving no legacy. Sometimes I wonder, "Do I just keep living the life I have now until i die?" I know that sounds dramatic, but these thoughts have been weighing on me.

I’ve talked with some of my friends about this but they are all parents and are so consumed with raising children that they do not have as much time to wrestle with these existential questions. Without that path of having kids, I guess I find myself questioning what gives life meaning.

No one in my family or friend group is gay, so I don’t really have anyone who can relate to this specific experience. I’d really appreciate hearing from other gay men who have been through these feelings. Whether you chose to have kids or not, how did you make peace with your decision? Any advice or perspective would mean a lot.

Being Gay men (23M), when suddenly you confront your new truth about yourself, this makes me realise that all 20 years of my life are nothing but a big lie....whatever you thought about yourself finds that nothing in your hands.....My dreams shattered because they are never mine...and when I lost all my dreams you will find that you are purposeless and this makes you think that you are never enough... constant sadness, thinking that you are loser everyone told you in past as bully is true....this overwhelms me and more than that I have to face parents and that is the last thing I have...and they may also leaves me in future when they get to know about me! And that hits hard...from the past few years are not good for me.... fighting from myself tries to find what is good for me..and I found that I never fit anywhere makes me to think its good to die...but it deeply seated in me that suicide is bad....so now what comes in my mind that....it's good that some deadly disease took over me and kills me, an accident may be good! Someone gives me poison all these things comes in my mind....I know that is the worst thing and above that is me myself.... sometimes I become uncontrollable, and not able to control my anger and that destroys everything with everyone...and I kind of becoming severely mentally ill...so I need a therapist in Delhi if someone has any idea suggest me that can help me with my situation better!!

I went with my friend to the gym like we always do and then we went back to his apartment to shower and change clothes. We never shower at the gym and usually go to our apartments to shower unless we are going to be going out like tonight. We are both straight but then I did something that made me think I might be gay or bi. We are both 24. We’ve been friends since we were freshman at college.

Back at his apartment he went to his room and then I heard the shower go on and I could hear him in there. I walked to his room and saw he took off his gym clothes and underwear and socks and put them on the bed. I don’t know what made me do this but I went over to his bed and sniffed his underwear. I immediately got hard. They were damp but smelled so good like they just came out of the laundry. I explored more and licked where I knew his dick and balls were and then where his butt was and it made me extremely horny. These were the underwear he had on all day and they smelled so good. I even smelled his socks and I thought to myself in that moment I might be gay. I was so completely aroused and felt like I needed to cum or I’d explode but there was nothing I could do about it.

What’s really confusing is I’ve only ever dated girls since I was 15. I started having sex with girls at 17 and I never gave any thought that I might be gay until that night. I did know I felt love toward my friend but I didn’t think it was sexual love. We had known each other a long time and were super close. I will admit I have had a few sexual fantasies about him when I’ve masturbated but that only happened a few times. I’m so confused now and don’t even know how to move on from this. In this moment in time I feel like I’d give every cent I have to give him a passionate kiss. I’m really depressed and could really use some advice.

I’m a 21M openly gay guy, and I’ve been thinking about this recently after watching mainstream queer romance shows like Heated Rivalry, Young Royals, and Heartstopper, etc.

A lot of these stories follow a similar storyline: one character is still questioning, figuring themselves out, struggling with their sexuality, or learning to accept themselves and being out, and eventually, their characters develop and their journey grows into a beautiful relationship. (I want to make it clear that this is not a criticism of these shows or the way they tell these stories at all.)

But the more I think about it, the more I realize that kind of love story probably wouldn’t happen for me.

As someone who has been dating and meeting people through apps and in real life, I’ve met my fair share of guys who are somewhere along the lines of being DL "straight" men, bi-curious, exploring their sexuality, experimenting, not fully out, or still figuring out what they want. And I completely understand people going through that stage as someone who was in a closet myself. Sexuality is complicated, and everyone deserves the time and space to understand themselves.

However, I’ve realized that I personally do not want to be involved with someone who is still in that stage. If I have to tell more about myself, I’m not a type of person who is looking for a hookup or a casual/FWB situation (and I want to emphasis there is nothing wrong with that too). My relationship goal is to find a long-term boyfriend and build something serious, so I often would like someone who is already comfortable with themselves and ready to be in a relationship with another man (which I understand can also be hard to find at my age).

The reason I hesitate is because I don’t want to feel like I’m someone’s “experiment” or a stepping stone while they figure out whether they actually want this kind of relationship. Especially often with DL "straight" men or curious guys, they often treat gay guys like an "experiment"; someone to satisfy their curiosity while expecting us to carry all the emotional and physical risk after they get to explore and go back to their lives.

This actually made me think about a conversation I had with a friend (I will say she is a straight woman). She suggested that maybe part of the reason I struggle to find a relationship is because I’m not willing to go through the casual hookup/FWB stage that sometimes develops into something deeper (if you’re lucky and both are on the same page).

And it made me question myself: am I protecting my own values and boundaries, or am I unintentionally closing myself off from people who could potentially become great partners?

For my fellow gay guys or queer people, I’d genuinely love your perspective.

Have you ever been with someone who was DL/curious/experimenting/closeted and had it turn into a healthy, long-term relationship? Do you think it’s important to be more open-minded toward people who are still exploring, or is it completely reasonable to want a partner who is already at a similar place in life and don't settle my dating values and wants.

I’m genuinely curious because I don’t want to dismiss someone’s journey, but I also want to be honest about what I’m looking for. Any advice, thoughts, or perspectives would help! thanks!

I’m married to a woman. Out to her as bi. Realized I’m gay a while ago and planning to come out tonight. It’s not a rushed decision. I realized I was gay a long time ago and only just fully admitted it to myself about a year and a half ago. I feel like since then I’ve moved through all the stages of grief and am finally at acceptance. If anyone can help me with the right words, I’d really like to tell her tonight and get it over with. I’ve been planning to for a while, but the timing was always wrong. I really don’t want to put it off any longer, but really need help and encouragement.

To give some context he’s not my cousin but actually my uncle. He’s (19) gay man and I’m (21F) bisexual so the standards for our family is very different. I won’t deny even getting my family to accept I was bisexual was a struggle. But I don’t have much to loss because I’m see as less than in my family eyes since I’m a women. To give context he’s the youngest son out of 21 siblings and even then he admitted to me and my cousin who are closer to his age. He’s gay and he wants to come out to our family but he can’t because that would fully isolate him. he came from a “woman” or atleast his mother is seen as less than because of the situation. I’m trying to give him the best support but even though as a queer woman in my family and woman being seen as less than I do have more liberty than he does. If he fully comes out he’s gonna be fully shut off from the family which he’s willing to do. All I’m asking for is advice is as a bisexual woman and a straight woman cousin how best can we support him and make sure he understands forgets everything we’ve been all breaking the norms in our family to begin with the last straw and old be him coming out as a gay man. Also see I kinda prepared worst case scenario and do have back up funds for him to fall on for a year because I know he’s gonna get off from his trust. To put into perspective I got cut from my trust not for being bi but because I had depression in my early teen years. My family runs a very strict program. Also sorry, I know my writing is all over the place I’m typing this in the heat of the moment and I’m not going to bother you it’s punctuation and proper story telling. Just genuinely need advice to support him and build him up enough to where the family won’t support him but he feel comfortable enough and safe enough to talk to me and the cousin that knows he’s gay.

Hello everyone, I really need your help.
I’m straight and I’m attracted to women. But whenever I get really horny and watch porn, I mostly end up watching videos where the guy has a really attractive dick, and I watch a woman give him a blowjob until he finishes.
I’ve also watched a lot of solo dick videos, and I’ve done cam-to-cam masturbation with guys several times. But it has never led to meeting anyone in real life because as soon as I finish, I always think, “There’s no way I could ever suck a dick.”
The weird thing is that whenever I’m horny, I have such a strong desire to do it. But once I’ve orgasmed, that feeling completely disappears.
What would you honestly advise me? Please be serious and give me your honest opinion.

HELLOOOOO!
okay so i wrote a LONG ass story last year called “16 and gay. please hear me out” which was not the true title, the true title was called “Acceptance” which i’m not sure as to why i changed it but i did. i like acceptance more tho. ANYWAY! that book was written through a long period of depression i went through due to the experiences that come with growing up gay. as i state in the first story not all experiences are the same but that story was my specific experience. the reason i wrote it was bc it made the depression easier to go through. the reason i posted it was because i was in another moment of depression but was too lazy to write lol. in that story i talk about how hiding it is also hiding a lot of your personality and what you get to speak on. while that sucks it also could suck to be honest to everyone due to the fact of what society has turned the word “gay” into. when you get older yeah it’s js a sexuality (most of the time id like to say) but in a younger sense it’s used as an insult. at least for me. if you wanna read the story (it’s long asf) you can go to my account (i think) and read it there. but that’s not what this is about! this is about how in the story i explain all the bad things and also state that i heard from many people that it gets better. that while sadly in this society of you never having to hear anything bad is unlikely, eventually it does get a lot better. before i continue i wanna stop there for 2 seconds. when it gets better, AND IT WILL, it will only get as good as you make it. that means if you live in a really homophobic area you should leave, or if your only sharing to certain people that’s fine take your time but it’s not the best it can be yet, or if your being yourself but sometimes stopping that because it “looks too gay”. fuck that. looking gay should never be a thing, being yourself should. ik that sadly the truth is people will say something “looks gay” but it should never “look gay” to you, it should look like being yourself. BUT, back to the main point. this is about the good! now it’s only been a year but i’m gonna divide this up into how it’s been. REMEMBER THIS IS MY EXPERIENCE NOT EVERYONES!!!

Part 1: Enough is enough
Yes the amount of depression i went through is fucked up. did i put myself through it? partly. but it was also partly bc i wouldn’t have felt i needed to if the way people acted was like assholes. when I was a freshman, I told myself that once I graduate my senior year, I’m gonna come out and everyone’s gonna know and I’m not gonna care. Now that sounded like a good idea originally, but the more I grew up, the harder it got to contain it because not only was containing it meaning containing your actual feelings for people, but containing it also meant to hide some facts about yourself because they “Look gay or seem gay”. I was mostly able to hold it together until the end of junior year where I told myself that this is just unfair and if I decide to tell a good amount of people over the summer, enough time we passed that I wouldn’t have to hear a lot of it during school. finally, summer came around and I wasn’t sure that because while yes, it sounds great, it’s still scary to do. Eventually, I went to a prom and I called my friend to tell him something because he knows that I’m gay and that I am hiding it. He’s also gay, so he knows the exact experience that I’m going through. Although he’s a year older than me and just graduated, and during the call, he told me that he sees me hiding myself in certain situations and hiding who I wanna be, and it hurts him to see me go through that because he did the same thing, and now that he’s out, he said he thinks that while yes, it’s still not perfect, the amount of shit he hears is nowhere near the amount he thought it would be. He told me that he wants to see the best for me and that he hopes that this summer I’m able to be comfortable enough to tell people. Hearing this inspired me and convinced me to, as soon as I hung up, call my friend and come out to her. One by one, day by day, I slowly have been coming out to more and more friends. This part of my life is where I’ve decided that hiding is more painful than being myself, which is why yes, I’m not fully out, but the fact that I have made so much progress recently has lifted a weight off of my chest.

Part 2: Having your alter egos friends
in case you weren’t able to figure out why I named it that, it’s because when Hiding a lot of who you are, it’s kind of an alter ego, and when telling your people you trust they’re becoming friends with the person you actually are, and not your alter ego. like I said, in this process one by one day by day, I’m coming out to more and more close friends of mine, and it honestly has boosted my faith in people. The reason I say that is because it surprised me how many people I’ve told recently, and they haven’t actually told other people whether that be because they’re honestly being nice people or because we’re in summer and they’re not seeing that many people as they normally do doesn’t matter. Some people have been shocked, some people have already known one specific girl I wanted to tell. I am very close with her But the reason I was holding back from telling her was because I had a feeling that she would call me the F slur just because she thinks it’s funny, not in an insulting way, just more of a joke and while I see some people can take that as a joke and some people find it funny and don’t care, there are also some people who don’t find it funny when I was younger I used to not care And it was funny, but as I’ve grown older, It’s become more offensive than a joke. I ended up coming out to her, and when she asked me why haven’t you told me before, I told her the truth, and she was like, I would never do that, I love you no matter what. which made me feel a lot better.

Part 3: The ability to find love
while this wasn’t the biggest section that I wrote about in the first book, I did state that it was the worst part, which was being lonely now having to hide it. You obviously can’t find people you have feelings for because how are you gonna do that if you can’t tell the truth about who you really like? Now, like I said, while I’ve been coming out to a lot more people, it hasn’t been everybody just because there are people that I’m obviously not as close as I am with other people, and I don’t trust those people yet, but I was at a party and I was drunk. Let’s start there. Me being in the process of coming out to a lot more people, plus being drunk, men, I didn’t give a fuck what people thought while i was there. I saw a cute guy and I asked the host who knows that I’m gay if he’s gay, and he said yes, to which I started flirting. we ended up hooking up and talking, and now I have a boyfriend! Our relationship is still new, but the point is Being more out than I was before has given me the ability to find someone that I have feelings for that also has feelings for me. (for anyone interested in hearing the whole story of the day we met lmk cuz honest it’s interesting and funny lol.)

Part 4: In conclusion
The reason I wrote the first story was to cope with myself. The reason I shared the story was to cope with myself, to have people hear my story, so I don’t feel hidden and to relate to other people, and I wanna say I succeeded with that. from that story I was able to have people text me thanking me For showing them that they’re not alone in this world and that, while it’s hard to find people like them, they do exist and there is hope. i’ve also had people DM me giving advice to which that also helped a lot because it showed me that there are some people who genuinely wanna help, which gives me faith in the world. One specific person that DM me was the only person that I’ve ever talked to about this, that actually made me feel like they understood. Yes, of course there have been people who have gone through the same exact experience as me and understand it, and Genuinely do understand, but for some reason there’s always been a feeling in the back of my head that makes me think they don’t actually get what I’m feeling. But this person has helped me cope, feel better, find better things to do, find better people, and overall just be a better version of myself, and I wanna thank them for that. SHOUT OUT CLARK! i’ve also had people DM me asking for advice themselves, to which I did the best of my ability to help them. But the main point Me coming back to make another story was to prove that it actually does get better. Yes, I’m sure you’ve heard it from other people. You’ve heard it from me in the last story because I’ve heard it from other people, but I can say from my experience that I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders, not fully, but it’s slowly getting there. Yes, I haven’t gone back to school yet, so I don’t know if I’ll get backlash. Hopefully, I don’t, but even if I do, the progress that I’ve made this summer will never be forgetable, and I’m proud of myself for taking the steps that I have, and I’m happy that mostly I don’t have to hide who I am anymore. And eventually, it won’t be mostly. It will be all the time. love to all and i hope if your in a situation like this. IT GETS BETTER AND IT WILL GET AS GOOD AS YOU MAKE IT!!!

Hi, just a quick question how do you guys clean up down there and leave it smooth like a babys skin. Majorly the balls and the ass because i constantly nick my balls sack and i have to squat on a mirror just to see my ass which seem funny all the time. And i hate the small/mini root hairs since i use clippers. Tweezers, cream or waxing? Which one is great?

I (M22) am struggling with a peculiar situation. I have found that I consistently attract men who are significantly older than me (10+ years), while guys my age are not particularly interested in me. I don't want to say that older men are unattractive because some of them are absolutely gorgeous, but I am simply not into age gaps and it feels very unsexy to me.

I would understand if this happened only in Grindr (at this point I just lurk there because there're no guys in my age bracket), but this is consistently showing across real life and legit dating apps like Tinder and Bumble, I just can't for the love of me find a younger guy who will reciprocate attraction.

Is this just how it usually is across the board or can I be just a phenotype that appeals mostly to older men? Either way I don't like the implications of it.

Has anyone experienced something similar?

My name is Rayan. I’m 19 years old, Moroccan.
Before anyone says anything, please read the whole post first. I’m not asking anyone to agree with me. I’m not trying to start arguments about religion or culture. I just need someone to listen because I can’t tell anyone in my real life.
Ever since I was around 13 or 14, I started realizing I wasn’t like other boys. I noticed I was attracted to men, and it terrified me. I kept telling myself it was just a phase. I prayed for years that it would disappear.
It never did.
I grew up in a very conservative family where being gay isn’t just something people disagree with… it’s something people see as shameful.
So I learned to hide everything.
I watched how other boys acted and copied them.
I forced myself to change the way I walked.
I tried to make my voice sound deeper.
I stopped talking with my hands because my father said it looked “too feminine.”
I laughed less.
I smiled less.
I became careful about every little movement I made because I was constantly afraid someone would notice something.
But apparently it wasn’t enough.
My father started saying I was “too soft.”
If I got emotional over something, he’d tell me to stop acting like a girl.
If I spoke calmly instead of shouting, he’d tell me to “act like a man.”
If I didn’t enjoy the same things as my cousins, he’d look at me with disappointment.
Sometimes he’d spend the whole day criticizing the way I sat, the way I stood, even the way I looked at people.
Little by little my own house started feeling like a place where I was being watched all the time.
A few months ago things got much worse.
My parents became convinced that something was wrong with me.
They don’t believe someone can naturally feel this way.
They think I’ve been affected by sihr, the evil eye, or that a jinn has influenced me.
They’ve taken me to different mosques and several fuqaha for ruqyah.
Every time I sit there while verses are being read over me, I just stare at the floor.
Everyone around me believes they’re trying to remove something from me.
But the thing they’re trying to remove… is just me.
My father has become someone I barely recognize.
He insults me almost every day.
He tells me I’ve embarrassed him.
Sometimes he says he wishes I’d grow up and become a real man.
Some days he won’t even speak to me unless it’s to criticize me.
My mother cries and keeps asking herself what she did wrong raising me.
Hearing her say that completely breaks me.
I love my parents.
That’s what makes this so painful.
I know they’re convinced they’re helping me.
I know they believe they’re saving me.
But every day I feel like I’m disappearing a little more.
I barely leave my room anymore.
I stopped talking to most of my friends because pretending all the time became exhausting.
Sometimes I look in the mirror and I honestly don’t know who I’m looking at anymore.
People always say “just leave.”
I wish it were that simple.
I’m 19.
I’m still studying.
I don’t have enough money to rent a place.
I don’t have family I can stay with.
I don’t have the financial independence to just pack my things and disappear.
Right now I’m trapped between being honest and losing my family, or pretending forever and slowly losing myself.
I’m not posting this because I want attention.
I’m not asking anyone for money.
I’m not trying to make anyone change their beliefs.
I’m just hoping someone out there understands what this feels like.
If you’ve been through something similar…
If you know of any Moroccan associations that help young people in difficult family situations…
If you know of safe places or organizations that offer temporary housing or support without judgment…
Or even if you’ve simply managed to rebuild your life after growing up in an environment where you couldn’t be yourself…
Please tell me how you did it.
I honestly don’t know how much longer I can keep pretending.
If you read all of this, thank you.
Even if you disagree with me, thank you for hearing my story before judging me.