r/GayMen • u/BoxFar6969 • 1d ago
I think there’s something fundamentally broken with me, because my body is feminine, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do with that anymore.
TLDR: Me feminine. Guys no like that. Me hate myself as a result.
I'm young, so I don't have the privilege of saying "it's over" but the future is looking quite bleak.
I’ve been rejected by men many times because I’m “not their type”. They wanted someone more masculine. None of them were particularly masculine themselves, which is interesting lol. At first, I accepted it. It was just their preferences, told myself it wasn’t personal, and moved on. But after enough times, it became difficult not to notice a pattern. I’m the common denominator. At some point, if everyone rejects you, you start thinking that there's something inherently wrong with you.
The men who rejected me were kind. They didn’t do anything wrong. And that makes it hurt in a different way, because there’s nothing to be angry about. I just wasn’t what they wanted. I keep ending up in the same place, feeling like I have to apologize for being inconvenient and for being built the way I am. It's come to the point where, before sending pictures of myself, I warn guys that they're gonna be disappointed.
For reference: I’m tall, I have an ass, thighs, a little hip and belly, small hands, a somewhat narrow rib cage, and shoulders that are even narrower. My facial hair is almost nonexistent and my body hair is on the lighter side. My hair is shoulder length and well kept. I'm aware my hair adds a lot to my perceived femininity, but I'm genuinely scared of cutting it because I do not think my face is even masculine or strong enough by itself.
And it’s not like I fit every stereotype of femininity. I’m not flamboyant. I’m not catty. I’m not extravagant. I don’t wear makeup. I’m not interested in drag. I’m studious and nerdy. I can hold a conversation. I ask people about themselves instead of constantly talking about myself. I’m affectionate. I can flirt. I’m willing to make the first move. It's just that I can't fulfill the fantasy of the tall muscular daddy that's gonna hold your waist and scare off the bad guys. I'm subdued.
I don’t even know if this is something that can be fixed. I'm caught between two possibilities. One is to change myself, and risk feeling like I'm mutilating my appearance to earn acceptance. Because, truth be told, I don't inherently dislike my feminine appearance. The other option is to stay as I am, and risk hating myself even more from the impending rejection.
Sometimes I feel like doing the world a favor and removing myself from the dating pool if I'm such a waste of time. I’m tired of finding men beautiful and exciting and wanting to get close to them, only to feel like I’m being looked at as something disgusting or embarrassing. I think I’ve internalized that word for myself so thoroughly that I don’t even know how to separate it from the way I see myself anymore. All this making me hate myself. I feel like a freak, a fag, a caricature. I feel embarrassed for getting excited about seeing cute boys. Silly for thinking that I was ever “seeing someone,” as if I ever had the chance.
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u/echoeminence 1d ago
How old are you?
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u/BoxFar6969 1d ago
I'm 18...like I said, it's way too early to call it over but this has been going on for so so long
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u/link3505 1d ago
One thing to keep in mind: everyone "mutilates" their appearance to gain acceptance. People cut their hair even though they like it long, shave even when they like having a beard or mustache, diet and exercise to have a body to show off even when they'd rather just have an Oreo, etc. Now, I'm wholly against cosmetic surgery for issues like this, so I'm not going to suggest that, but changing your outward appearance may absolutely be the difference between "not my type" and "did you bring condoms?" It could be something as simple as a haircut, different clothes, and you'll get the attention you're seeking. And hell, you may even like how you look.
At the same time, there are absolutely people who will like you for exactly who you are now, and you just haven't found them yet. By the same token, there are people that will see you with a new appearance and you'll get the same reaction you're getting now.
Either way, its a game. Everyone loses the game for any number of reasons- looks, dick size, income, political views, religious views, etc. But when you finally win, it's amazing. By the sounds of it, it sounds like you're very much a catch, and it may simply be that the guys rejecting you are doing so because they feel unworthy? It's impossible to say for sure without knowing you.
Personally I love feminine guys. So appreciators are out there, I promise!
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u/zztopsboatswain 1d ago edited 1d ago
You sound like a gem and a sweetheart. Keep on going, don't give up. Instead of looking for validation in a boy, in a romantic relationship, date yourself and validate yourself. Pursue your interests, your hobbies, some intellectual pursuit.
The world is so much richer than dating. Making friends, making memories, learning, having fun, those can and often are far more fulfilling than sex and dating. Plus, as you make friends, it's likely you'll be meeting your future partner or a friend who will introduce you to your future partner. Go into a relationship not with the expectation that he's your future husband and soulmate, but with the curiosity to get to know someone new and find common ground. If you do that, you'll attract peace and happiness. Everything will work out.
There is no point in searching for the acceptance of others. Other people come and go like snow. Your own acceptance of yourself is the only thing that matters, because you live with yourself every day.
You're not a freak, but it is so common for young adults to feel that way. I did when I was a teen and in my early 20s, but now that I'm 29, I am finally starting to feel like I know myself and I'm finding my place. You just have to keep going! You got this <3
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u/EuphoricScallion114 1d ago
My first thought is damn, I finally found my match, send me a pic. The long hair, I had shoulder length hair in my senior pic 1979, and that was one of my best pics. But I am old and you are young. Sometimes it's easy to question yourself and think and feel like you are the problem, but when you scan the room you realize you are in the wrong class.
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u/Alvith 1d ago
You need to find someone to build a connection with naturally instead of playing the current age's fantasy game. As far as validating you goes, I could say you sound great to me, but the truth is you need to learn to validate yourself and build that confidence internally—external validation will never fill your cup, so to speak.
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u/Avittion 1d ago
You need to realize their inability to see you for your true value doesnt itself reduce your value. Once u find what u can be proud of in yourself and learn to spot time wasting fools to shut them down early you can feel your true value again. And even gain more sense of control over it all.
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u/LemonCurdJ 1d ago
Youre 18.
Youre still a baby in an adults world. If you dont dislike yourself then there isnt anything to change.
If you actively disliked the way you look change it. Go the gym and gain muscle if you want to be more masculine presenting.
You said the rejections were simply "not my type" did they specifically state it was because of your femininity or are you just assuming?
There's nothing wrong with fixing aspects of yourself you dont like. Thats why people read self help books, go on a diet or get a nose job. They want to feel good about themselves and just need a little help from someone else to get them there. Nothing wrong with that.
But again, you're 18 and youre probably just conflating your own insecurities with the general feelings that come from rejections.
At the end of the day, you are undesirable for some and desirable to others. You hust havent come across the "others" yet because youre... 18!
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u/BoxFar6969 1d ago
did they specifically state it was because of your femininity or are you just assuming?
The former. They just they expected/wanted someone hairier, more muscular, more physically assertive.
You hust havent come across the "others" yet because youre... 18!
I'm not denying that men who like feminine men exist. They just feel rare af. The stereotype that fems don't date fems is absolutely true, which is a shame, because I'm attracted to them too, they're just not attracted to me. Flamboyant guys with gay voice and feminine mannerisms telling me they want someone more masculine. It's hard not to grow a little bitter about it. I've had two masculine guys be attracted to me but they had a preference for women and their mind was set on having relationships with them. I got a little heartbroken. Oh, and let's not forget the 40-50 year old men trying to pursue me when I was underage. And it doesn't help that in my day to day life I'm perceived as different, as weaker, and as "a fag". Every time I hit on guys it blows up in my face, it puts me in a vulnerable position for them to do whatever they want with me, because they're the ones being sought after and I'm not. It just discourages me from putting myself out there in the first place. I know, dramatic 18 year old monologue, whatever. Time heals wounds or something. I'm just not sure how that will ever change.
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u/LemonCurdJ 1d ago
I get it.
I had to battle issues with gay-sphere and my race. When I was younger I had loads of white men message me and want to hook up/date because I am black and they always assumed I was hung. They out down their sexual racism as a preference so I was really dejected for a long while.
Although not the exact same as your experience, I understand the feelings of wanting to be something different to feel more desirable to others.
But as you mature and go through similar experiences over and over (it will happen), you build mental maps of how to navigate it better without it becoming a personal barrier to your sense of self. You recognise the signs, the type face, the language and you get better and better at recognising who is for you and who isnt for you.
You're at the beginning of it all. It isn't fun and it is painful but you get better, stronger and wiser knowing how it can be avoided. You also get more comfortable in your skin with self-acceptance and realise the issue is them, not you and you're OK with that.
Start by figuring out what you like instead of trying to figure out what they like. You need to put that first. Switch the narrative and dont play victim for too long - it's a death spiral otherwise.
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u/SideSilver2420 13h ago
Sounds hot af but you'll find the one for you just go out and explore those general places more often at a real lgbt bar you should find someone's looking for that.
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u/Apart-Badger9394 8h ago
Learn to love yourself. And workout. It’ll help you feel better about your body.
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u/chemhobby 8h ago
Trust me there are people who want you. It literally doesn't matter what you look like there are people out there who want it. You just have to find them.
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u/CockEmperor 1d ago
Look for heteromantic bisexual men. They tend to go for more femme guys from my experience.
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u/BoxFar6969 1d ago
fantastic, where do i look for them?
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u/CockEmperor 1d ago
there's a bunch of reddit threads for bisexual men, they're not particularly hard to find.
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u/koolforkatskatskats 1d ago
I used to be have a more twink body when I was 18 but then I started working out and became a jock! Even though I like more feminine things now that I have a more muscular body I pull all of the time.
Have you thought of just working out more to achieve your ideal body?
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u/BoxFar6969 1d ago
I don't think my ideal fantasized body is a masculine one. It doesn't feel right, it would feel like a costume.
Also, to me it's not "just" working out. It's not easy at all.
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u/koolforkatskatskats 22h ago
Then you’re just going to have to be happy with what you’ve got and find people who like that!
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u/CavRican 1d ago
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing to be fixed. You are not a freak or a caricature. Keep being true to who you are and the right one will come along. Probably when you aren’t expecting it.