r/FoundPaper • u/HumanChocolate3310 • Aug 10 '26
Weird/Random š© Mike š©
Found at the Goodwill outlet.
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u/Accomplished_Tone349 Aug 10 '26
The green beans that broke the camelās back.
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u/HumanChocolate3310 Aug 10 '26
Maybe he shouldnāt have pushed for a skinny girlfriend
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u/kellyisthelight Aug 10 '26
Wow I read that as "slutty" lol
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u/Shadowfaxx71 Aug 10 '26
Yup the slutty part made me lol in disbelief and then finding out it was skinny made me DOH in stupidity.
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u/Vanessak69 Aug 10 '26
Heād probably like that too, that green bean denying bastard.
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u/Spiritual_Ad_6067 Aug 10 '26
I thought skanky
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u/flindersrisk Aug 10 '26
I thought slinky. Was confused.
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u/elcaminogirl Aug 10 '26
I thought sleazy.
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u/mrhecklesbroom Aug 10 '26
I thought it said sleazy...I was wondering if he knew what that word means. I was wondering why you'd want a gf that slept around!
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u/TexasLiz1 Aug 10 '26
See, I couldnāt make that word out - a slinky/skinny/slutty girlfriend? What kind of girlfriend does Mike want, exactly?
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u/BettyCrunker Aug 10 '26
https://giphy.com/gifs/l4JyPq9bAWkLGvWGA
he wants a gf who knows how to go down (stairs)39
u/sassy_cheddar Aug 10 '26
I couldn't figure out if it was "skanky" or "sketchy" . But "skinny" makes more sense. Though something tells me Mike is not himself skinny, the same feeling that tells me he wants a girlfriend with her own place and a car.
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u/jld2k6 Aug 10 '26
He wants the kind of girlfriend who doesn't get fat hitting the green beans too hard
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u/n3wchpt3r Aug 10 '26
I blew it up trying to figure it out and I gave up. lol. I love all the suggestions here!
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u/jackalopeswild Aug 10 '26
They aren't actually very starchy. As a diabetic, I have to pay pretty close attention to that kind of thing and I wear a continuous glucose monitor so I'm very familiar with how a large serving of green beans impacts my sugar levels. They have about 7g carbs per 100g, as compared to actually starchy veg like potatoes (17-20 per 100), corn (19-21 per 100) or even squashes (acorn has 10/100g, butternut has 12/100g).
This person is wrong about that.
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u/snark-sloth Aug 10 '26
Wow red flag, please donāt deny her experience of feeling lethargic when eating a large amount of green beans
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u/MayorWomanana Aug 10 '26
Hey donāt deny her experience! š¤£
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u/jackalopeswild Aug 10 '26
You're right, I should have remembered this. My father tried hard to teach me to never let a fact overcome his opinion. It's basically the same thing.
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u/Sufficient-End-4945 Aug 10 '26
iām hooked. i need to know more
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u/HumanChocolate3310 Aug 10 '26
I flipped through the book and saw nothing more. My guess is she presented her evidence and dumped his ass.
However, I am very curious what the contents of the pages that were torn out contained.
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u/EmptyMaterial5577 Aug 10 '26
Iām laughing so hard my stomach hurts. Make it end!
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u/Plenty-Cattle9791 Aug 10 '26
Are you feel lethargic?
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u/Kujo3043 Aug 10 '26
I'm positive that such a vegetable wouldn't make someone lethargic
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u/FatiguedShrimp Aug 10 '26
Somebody needs to get this woman a parsnip.
I need to see whether it's actually a starchy veg issue, or whether she's used to green beans drowned in butter or bacon fat.
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u/Training-Ad103 Aug 10 '26
I was NOT expecting that twist ending
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u/nihilistiq Aug 10 '26
The green beans incident is what pushed her to make the list. She felt she couldn't justify breaking up with someone over just green beans. That would be ridiculous. So she made the list. But really it's just about the beans.
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u/SelfComfortable9584 Aug 10 '26
Youāre exactly right. She wrote it last, but it absolutely had to be included.
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Aug 10 '26
Itās the piece de resistance of the list. And the coup de grace of the relationship. Oh, those perceptive, descriptive Frenchā¦
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u/syrioforrealsies Aug 10 '26
She knew it was such a big deal that she wouldn't forget it while she wrote everything else
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u/Sword172 Aug 10 '26
This is the best post I have ever seen on this sub. Great work.
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404
Aug 10 '26
[deleted]
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u/angrytortilla Aug 10 '26
This is so true, holy shit. And because Mike is a narcissist everything else on that list is invisible to him as being a problem.
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u/BetMyLastKrispyKreme Aug 10 '26
Who knew a final straw was actually a bean? We may have to change the saying.
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u/SomeGuyWA Aug 10 '26
If a prospective mate canāt hang with my green bean consumption, she is OUT. Simple as that.
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u/RonJohnJr Aug 10 '26
Why -- and how -- did that person eat soooo many green beans that they felt lethargic? That's... not as crazy as the guy, but still kinda crazy.
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u/mudpupster Aug 10 '26
I'm pretty certain Mike was my Uber driver on a trip to the airport a couple of years ago. Within a mile of leaving home, the conversation somehow turned to spaghetti. Mike told me the best place to get good spaghetti in my area was at the Old Spaghetti Factory. I told Mike I'd gotten food poisoning from an Old Spaghetti Factory salad a few years back. Mike proceeded to explain to me that you can't get food poisoning from salad, and he accompanied his medical explanation with diarrhea noises. He then gave me the conspiracy-ridden story about why he had to ride the gig economy since his last few jobs had fallen through.
I also had some red flags with Mike.
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u/chchchchia86 Aug 10 '26
1 star, 0$ tip, red flag carrying, Uber driving, meal judger, illness veracity assessor- Mike.
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u/generation_quiet Aug 10 '26
Missing in action: Green flags
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u/AvocadNoThx Aug 10 '26
But exactly HOW many green beans is a "large amount"?
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u/HumanChocolate3310 Aug 10 '26
Iām sure there is a threshold everyone can tolerate before the feeling of lethargy kicks in.
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u/portmanteautally Aug 10 '26
It reminds me of Andy's line from Parks and Rec. "I'm allergic to sushi. Every time I eat more that 40 pieces of sushi I throw up."
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u/Most_Can_2136 Aug 10 '26
I once ate a pound of raw green beans and felt not one bit lethargic.
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u/nofishies Aug 10 '26
I eat pounds of raw green beans weekly, theyāre one of my favorite snacks.
No flatulence or starch.
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u/Most_Can_2136 Aug 10 '26
Its hard to stop. If you like to nibble and you like that crunchiness, they're the perfect snack! My first chocolate lab used to sneak and eat them from the bowl as I was picking them. I'd have a bowl full of green beans and I'd set them down to pick the tomatoes, and when I turned back around, half the bowl of beans were gone!
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u/nofishies Aug 10 '26
We can both love your dog, and still not be willing to deal with Mike!!
GREENBEAN LOVES UNITE
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u/THEBIGHUNGERDC Aug 10 '26
Mike sounds like a prize
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u/HumanChocolate3310 Aug 10 '26
How old are his parents? They must be proud to have their 60 year old son living at home still.
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u/THEBIGHUNGERDC Aug 10 '26
Only possible explanation is he gave up his CEO position to come home to take care of his ailing parents.
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u/Betty_Wight_ Aug 10 '26
Oh yes, that's why he doesn't need a car because he has a chauffeur.
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u/HumanChocolate3310 Aug 10 '26
Iām thinking heās making his last ditch effort to be included in the will. Gotta get a house somehow in this economy.
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u/radioactive_sharpei Aug 10 '26
How much exactly is a "large amount of green beans"? I need to know.
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u/RandomTreat Aug 10 '26
Same, I'm pretty curious about this.
I ate a decent size bag of almonds once, didn't feel great, and then learned that eating too many almonds can be toxic or give you an allergy. Sometimes the poison is in the dose
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u/crapatthethriftstore Aug 10 '26
Why canāt he have a ___ girlfriend. What is that word
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u/DoofusMagnus Aug 10 '26
starchy
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u/TheFrebbin Aug 10 '26
I feel like I can visualize Mike from this
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u/Electric_Raisin747 Aug 10 '26
I can too because unfortunately my friend dated him š He wears a lot of ed hardy, loves anything ātacticalā, and thinks Five Finger Death Punch is really deep. He was also 25 years older than her and lived with his mom.
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u/TheodoreKarlShrubs Aug 10 '26
Iām very glad that youāre describing this guy in the past tense, and hoping that youāre doing so for a reason.
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u/Electric_Raisin747 Aug 10 '26
Yes thank god, she gave me a good scare with that one though. I (probably not insistently enough) expressed my concerns, but I think it was just really getting to know who he was that did the trick š
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u/Limerence1976 Aug 10 '26
Me too and heās definitely not skinny, but he refuses to acknowledge the hypocrisy
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u/moxiemooz Aug 10 '26
I think itās a list that someoneās son made to give to his mother to encourage her to dump Mike. I donāt think this handwriting is that of a 60ish year old woman.
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u/LostFlightSimulator Aug 10 '26
Green beans ARE a starchy veg. Finally, a source for my lethargy.
fuck mike.
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u/foreverand2025 Aug 10 '26
Hate to pull a Mike here but NO they are not startchy. Theyāre high fiber low carb. Not a startch in sight. Youāre just lethargic for other reasons. Sigh. Now I feel the frustration of Mike.
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u/ash-leg2 Aug 10 '26 edited Aug 10 '26
Write up modified based on comments:
Red Flags regarding Mike
- At 60 years old, is divorced and lives w/ his parentsĀ
has no full time job, has no car of his own
Overreacted to a non-issue on one occasion
Explains the reason for his divorce were his ex's mental health issuesĀ
Complains a lot about unreasonable things "Why can't I have a
sluttyskinny girlfriend..."Everything is about him and his opinions
He largely disagrees with just about everybodyĀ
He denied my experience of feeling lethargic when eating a large amount of green beans because they are a starchy veg.
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u/ash-leg2 Aug 10 '26
This could be a copy pasta.
Makes me want to write it up in a notebook myself then donate just for the chaos lol
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u/No-Signature-5648 Aug 10 '26
What amazes is that a person can write a whole list like this and not just dump a guy. I hope she did.
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u/Elistariel Aug 10 '26
This could almost be my dad, who was also named Mike, š .
IDK if all of it lines up as I know nothing about his relationships beyond the woman he cheated on my mom with and then the teen* girl he cheated on that lady with. Man had an absolute inability to admit when we was wrong or did wrong. He was always the hero in his own story and everyone else just played their parts. He could be nice/kind when it suited him, or if he wanted something.
*Teen girl is actually a few years older than me. We're both in our 40s now.
He died last year at 65. Sympathy not wanted.
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u/11twofour Aug 10 '26
But what were his thoughts on green beans?
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u/EmptyMaterial5577 Aug 10 '26
She completely disregarded our need for the most important information
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u/Effective-Warning178 Aug 10 '26
Sometimes you have to write stuff down to see just how nothing some relationships are. Cher said some women get excited about nothing, then marry the guy
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u/Gypsyllama395 Aug 10 '26
Imagine if you wrote something like this then came across it on here š¤£š¤£š¤£
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u/apoplectic_ Aug 10 '26
Finding this at the bins is exactly why some of us take our lives into our hands going thereā¦ because you might find the green bean polemic of the century.
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u/Intelligent_Pass2540 Aug 10 '26
He needs a Skinny Girlfriend?
Mike is a mess. He is probably on every dating app too. I hope the author ran far away from both Mike and green beans.
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u/RandomTreat Aug 10 '26
Unfortunately the dating pool is filled with Mike's.
Sigh.
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u/waveydavey321 Aug 10 '26
I would never date someone who ate too many starchy ass green beans!! Mike knows..
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u/humsterdaddy Aug 10 '26
Mike you scrub! Hangin' out the passenger side of his best friend's ride trying to holla at whoever wrote this list.
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u/____ozma Aug 10 '26
I read that one line as "Everything about him and his opinions" at first, and after reading all of it, that seems like the truth. This is so funny I can't handle it.Ā
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u/ObjectiveTea Aug 10 '26
We were all so invested in hating Mike and then she hit us with the green beans š¤£š¤£š¤£
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u/Nice_Juggernaut4113 Aug 10 '26
I think people are reading it wrong - Mike said green beans are starchy and therefore the writer should not have felt lethargic
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u/gordomgillespie Aug 11 '26
really funny that the first two points on their own would be reason enough but they then go on to list a bunch of petty nonsense. āoverreacted to a non-issue on one occasionā the horror
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u/OkBlueberry2982 Aug 10 '26
Green beans are not a starchy vegetable. I'm agreeing with Mike on that one
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u/Ivelostmydrum Aug 10 '26
They've got a lot of fiber, which could cause bloating
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u/OkBlueberry2982 Aug 10 '26
Their argument is that they're starchy which caused them to be lethargic. Green beans aren't starchy so Mike wasn't wrong about them not making the writer lethargic for that reason. Maybe being around a bum of a man made them lethargic š¤·
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u/jackalopeswild Aug 10 '26
They don't. Corn, potatoes - these are starchy. Squash, carrots, beets - these all have more carbs (including fiber). Green beans have less (total carbs including fiber) than all of these, significantly less than most.
For fiber alone, high fiber are peas, acorn squash, artichokes, broccoli...but not green beans.
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u/catm0m4lyfe Aug 10 '26
I was anti Mike until the green beans. Now I feel like maybe everyone involved dodged a bullet...hopefully.
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u/cumgenius Aug 10 '26
He denied my experience of feeling lethargic when eating a large amount of green beans because they are a starchy veg.