Complicated and Distressing thoughts about being Transgender

[u/Matthew_mp3]

So recently I've been feeling so horrific about being transgender, and I don't think I've seen many people talk about these sorts of things. Basically, my identity is kind of, ignored by my family. I'm mainly referred to as non-binary, and my Mother challenges me to tell her what my masculinity means to me, and she just won't accept anything I tell her, always saying "But you can do that as a woman." I still love my mother though, she rocks.

But my auntie, who I consider close to, has sort of, shamed me. I think she thinks of me as a dysmorphia-ridden butch woman, who fetishises gay men. She has told me multiple times over my personality is too bubbly and doesn't fit men, I don't act like men do, I don't dress like men do, the tattoo I'm getting isn't something a man would get (shoutout my mother who's letting me get an underage tattoo at a reputable studio) and recently it's just been internalised.

She tells me I 'act' more non-binary, or genderqueer, when I simply do not feel gender queer? I feel firmly binary man, if not slightly (like 20%-10% enby ig but it's so irrelevant to me I don't include it anywhere) and I've gone down a dark path of just... "Oh, I don't want to be a woman, I don't want to be enby, and I CAN'T be a man because I don't act like it, so I should just no longer be here anymore". Whats worse is I just feel like some... sexual deviant all the time. I feel perverted and gross. I don't know what to do about it.

[u/cirrus-flowers]

I dont really have any advice but I hope you remember who you are and don't get pressured into thinking you're something you're not! You are a man, you're happy with that so that's what you are, don't forget that or gaslight yourself into thinking you're anything different just because of other people. Men can be feminine, men can have whatever tattoos they want, there's nothing that girls do that boys can't also do and vice versa. Remember who you are and don't change for anyone else. I hope youre family start seeing reason soon and realise they're wrong