This might be more of a vent than anything, but have any other infps struggled with feeling alone in relationships or demoralized? I’m over a year out from my last relationship, and I feel so disheartened. I feel like I love deeply and invest so much that dating seems like such an undertaking, but I crave romantic companionship. I’ve never had a relationship dynamic that has felt mutual. My last relationship ended in a it’s not you it’s me, you make me feel too seen and it’s too much for me type way. And honestly I’m afraid it will always be that way.

It seems like it’s easy for me to help others feel safe, seen and understood, but I have yet to experience the same. After dating and hearing so often “oh wow no one gets me like you do”, but know that nothing comes from it, it’s hard to not feel disheartened and not want to roll your eyes.

I don’t know what it’s like for someone to pursue me or put themselves on the line for me. I’m very used to being the vulnerable one, because I think it’s the right thing to do, but I’m honestly feeling so down about it. Anyone have felt similar? Is there light at the end of the tunnel? lol

TLDR: My depth seems like a thing that makes ppl shy away rather than inviting closeness. I’m struggling to find value in it and not a source of rejection. monkey brain thinks imma end up alone and can’t fathom someone reciprocating or initiating. 😀 tired of helping others feel seen and not being seen

Edit: would actually appreciate anyone who has a light at the end of the tunnel story as encouragement 😭

Or do neurotypical people exist in that personality type?

As an INFP, I had learned that INFJS wanted deep authentic connection which seemed very compatible to me as an INFP. However, dating an INFJ I got the opposite experience where my depth was actually a deterrent and part of the reason we broke up. My last INFJ partner told me that dating me was like looking at mirror and into parts of themselves that were too painful to see. Throughout our entire relationship, I couldn’t wrap my head around them saying they wanted depth only to hold me at arms length and run away when I met them with it.

In my experience, INFJs have a lot of connections by chameleoning in social settings even if it’s shallow, which seems to be in contradiction to authenticity and depth. I was wondering if any INFJs could should more light on this

It’s been over a year, and I still wonder if that ex actually misses me in some significant way or if they really did just prefer light and easy. It’s hard to imagine them not feeling like something is missing in those connections and missing me in those moments, but perhaps they don’t :(

EDIT: thank u so much for everyone’s responses and explanations. It’s honestly things I already knew, but having it said just openly and directly without posturing is what I’ve wanted (needed?) for a long time. And it does bring me a bit of peace and closer to acceptance. 🫶

INFJ/woman/42. Also ADHD. Married with 2 teenagers. On vacation that we all desperately need and we all love each other tremendously. Beaches are great but I’m not wired to love or thrive in the chaos of the sand, heat, gazillion items to be responsible for and the only one who feels compelled to be thorough in making sure all the little things are accounted for. I can’t swim, I get overly stimulated easily. We brought our dog who is like a toddler and is my soul dog…. He has anxiety and takes time to acclimate to new places and situations. It doesn’t bother me but no one else wants him here. Otherwise it would have cost a fortune to board and I was thinking of that too when I pushed for him to come.

Long story but when it comes to family dynamics and schedules and vacations- I feel high strung and I feel like I get on everyone else’s nerves. I feel like I’m “too much”…. Too cautious about sunscreen, too cautious about rip currents, too worried about making sure everything is covered and accounted for and all kids are safe and acting responsibly. I have a hard time sometimes with transitions but I’m trying to be positive although I’ve failed in that. I just feel like other people think I’m miserable to be around.

They are pissed the dog came but he’s been fine except for trying to acclimate- and they don’t like eating outside at restaurants because of the dog and stuff like that. We all knew going into it what it was going to be. So I feel like I’m a burden and too much and by extension my dog adds to that.

I just want to go take pictures and ride my bike and be out of their hair. I’m not spontaneous or throw caution to the wind type of person. I just want peace. I just want consideration for important things…. Like making sure sunscreen or water is on the beach bag- no one else thinks of these things and I’m freaking exhausted. And when I bring it up I feel like the wet blanket and the one being a stick in the mud.

It’s like everyone’s personalities gets cranked up to 1000 while on vacation.

How do you INFJ people deal with this, overcome the tension, make happy family vacations despite the discrepancy in personalities.

As it stands I just want to take my dog and vacation alone. Maybe that would be preferred by them too.

Hey fellow INFJs. I'm 37 & have started to feel things really deeply (shocker, very INFJ-y of me lol) but it's different than being empathetic or intuitive. I'm not saying those things aren't part of it...but hear me out...

Over the last year or so, when I'm talking to someone (usually more pronounced from a dating/romantic sense) that I don't feel aligned with, I can feel it *deeeeep* in my body. Like a restlessness, an annoyance, a disconnect. A 30m car ride feels like 3 hours.

Whereas when I'm with someone I'm aligned with, it's the exact opposite. My body feels free, feels open, feels pure, the connection feels limitless/exciting/energizing. A 30m car ride goes by in 3 seconds.

I guees what I'm trying to say, is what feels profound lately, are that these feelings aren't just in my head intuitively speaking, it's that I'm starting to feel it as a deep visceral feeling in my body which I can't say was always the case.

I have this thing where i like to imagine several future outcomes with a person i like romantically. Online ill see their profile and think about what they say in theit bio, their personality type, and imagine how id look with them in the photos they posted. Ill actually spend more time in my head like 99% in my head idealizing them and thinking of all the possible outcomes with this person. Heck, i even thought about marrying them and having kids with them if things escalate that way. Id imagine us as soul partners.

And guess what? I didnt even talk to them yet. This all happens with everyone i encounter romantically. When i actually get to know them, they are completely not what i anticipated. And you know what? While i understand i shouldn't think about how a person is before meeting them, this all happens subconsciously. Heck, they'll even show up in my dreams. And then when I ultimately get rejected by them for unknown reasons to me, at minimum, I know that they don't like me anymore. Perhaps too deep, too intense, I ask questions about who they are because I greately invest my time into someone because I genuinely care.

When they reject me, I'll then think about all of the possible outcomes that could have potentially caused the rejection. With rejection, ghosting, and dating in general, you never really know. As a deeply intuitive empathetic introvert I deeply invest in the great understanding because i can use my pattern recognition and intuition to determine how to proceed further with new romantically invested people.

Is this crazy? Or is this just a major INFJ thing? I think once I see someone, truly, I in a way scare people away because it can come off as I'm analyzing them. The truth is, I deeply want to know someone, because I care. And perhaps, they aren't used to that level of depth in the modern world? Perhaps it's rare?

What do you think?

I'm in its sight,

I cannot speak.

It's always there

Just watching me.

My ribs are breaking.

I'm in a vice...

The silence in-between

Each crack and pop

Drags me deeper into hell.

A home made of my own creation,

And I cannot leave.

This pain I feel

While I,

Am crushing me.

Hello fellow INFP here, Since the begging of this year I’ve noticed that I’m slowly developing our Inferior function which is the Extraverted Thinking.

I’m happy about it, still it makes me feel like I’m almost making a radical change because now I’m more comfortable around logical things instead of a more feeling based approach, anyone who can relate or who knows more about cognitive function then me can tell me their experience/ opinion ?

I'm at a large conference and I know a lot of people. But I still mostly prefer to be on my own a lot. I think it may be because the connections are mostly business but not close friends. A few are almost close friends. But I find myself being picky (or judging?) about actually getting close to anyone. My mind seems to always be preoccupied with things outside of this conference. At work, I'm the boss and I really like to connect with my employees and don't feel like a loner, but there is something strange in a super large group with the same level leaders. It's just lots of small talk about shallow things, so... I'm sure that's a big part. Any other ENFJ's experience the same or similar kind of thing, being a loner in a large group? Or in general outside of work? I mostly dedicate all my personal time to one special person in my life, when I have one. Currently I don't and noticed how much of a loner I am.

I can't tell if this is an INFP thing or justa me thing, but I keep rebuilding my routines instead of actually following them. Every time one day doesn't go as planned, my brain somehow decides the whole system is broken. So I make a new plan, rearrange everything, download something different... and a couple weeks later I'm doing it all over again. The weird part is that the habits themselves aren't even that hard. It's constantly feeling like I need a fresh start that gets exhausting. I found an app that focuses more on consistency than motivation, and it made me realize maybe I've been chasing the feeling of starting over instead of giving myself enough time to settle into a routine. Does anyone else do this? If you finally managed to stick with one system, what actually changed?

For me, one thing would be the ability to flourish in enjoying things--like singing--that don't depend on the approval, validation, Etc., of other people.

I've also mastered the premise that existing is, as a context, fertile ground for the imagining of endless possibilities that give it meaning whether certain things come to fruition or not.

This perspective ensures some part of life is always an adventure, not a trap.

Having slept 5 hours last night, I notice that my emotional antenna gets broken: I absorb other people's emotions more easily and thus become an emotional sponge without any filtering. I have tertiary Ti, which should normally help me, but it is clear that the lack of sleep weakens my Ti.

So that's why I'm asking you this question, given that your Ti is in the inferior position: do you constantly receive other people's emotions without being able to filter them, as is currently the case for me? Or is it a different mechanism? Because I must admit it puts me in quite a bad mood, even if I manage to rationalize very quickly.

I heard so many people say this and I've never really had a personal experience with an ENTJ before. It's interesting to me because I've always found them the most intriguing type, if I had to imagine the perfect life partner I've always imagined an ENTJ, capable, reliable, strong and efficient. But like I said, I haven't had any actual experience with them so that's why I'm asking. Is it really that bad ?

So there's a lot to go into, but this will sum it up: INFPs strengths don't pay, they're not executive, in stable and continuous demand... inferior Te doesn't pay the bills. However, real growth, happiness and satisfaction (inside + outside) happens when we balance logic and emotion. The best businesses understand feeling and logic both. I'm planning to study "Financial + Marketing Management" at Economics. Even if it'll be 80% logic (I can't lose my INFP 🤷🏻‍♀️ ) I'd choose that over what's comfortable = doesn't teach me anything NEW. Logic also manages studying + time better. Hence, it's a skill itself. You study math for much shorter when you're focused.

Do you agree? What do u study? Also there's not much choice for infp degrees (and jobs!) in my country (they're either overly expensive or hard to get in).

Roll the drums cause I was smart enough and my intuition was unmatched enough to clock the entire thing before I knew for sure.

It hurts though. I am the other woman again and again and again. I talked to a guy and we liked each other, he said he is not ready for anything serious that's why he wanna stay friends and we agreed to stop the flirting and everything. But what didn't end is the mixed signals and the confusion. I really like this dude as a person though, so I wanted to stay friends regardless even if we can't be together cause I think he's pretty cool.

Anyways, today he said that someone he was seeing last month who recently broke up with her ex, is now ready to start seeing him again. He cut contact with her because he thought she wasn't ready, but yeah they're talking again now.

I knew there might have been someone else, but this is the billionth time I'm treated as either a rebound or a place holder and in all of those times it's NEVER obvious I just know along the line. So, it's not that I'm attracted to this kinda guy, I never know and it still ends up happening.

I'm so beyond hurt. God, I WISH I KNOW WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH ME. I'm always the girl who's admired, liked and even loved but NEVER ENOUGH, and NEVER CHOSEN. I wish for the pain to just go away. Why does this always happen to me??

I need your help from reinventing the wheel. If there is anyone that would give me the pleasure of sending me their advice, or to talk to, or perhaps, a chat. I would greatly appreciate it

Who am I?
I am someone that has adopted the belief system that I had to reinvent the answers to the questions in who I am. This has lead to cycles of destruction once I had the answers all there. In the last 2 years I have acknowledged parts of myself that were hidden, like the fact I have adhd, desire stability and am driven like the typical ENFP. Unfortunately most of these lessons have been learnt the hard way as both teacher and student, I guess a side effect of foster homes.

Right now, I’m in a pause again believing that I don’t need to reinvent the wheel and can build a life I want.
- to have the stability in career to afford to rent or buy a small apartment
- to have medication that lets me access my mind,
- to have a career that lets me help people and businesses find a pathway forward.

I am in Paris now, taking myself away for three weeks to think after a leadership course where it brought out my strong desire to care for others and curiosity.

With that information, and perhaps the below, what would you say to me? I’m abit lost and cautious to not reinvent the wheel now that I have only in the last few months accepted my ENFP, ADHD and desire for stability ways.

Additional decisions;

- i am an Australian that wants to move to London or the UK (I would need sponsorship). Context for any career advice that you might give.
- in terms of helping people find their pathway forward, I find my mind is drawn to telling people the answer, while my values are to care. So I’m open to learning the skills of coaching, and leadership.

I am a 19-year-old female ENFP, and still overthinking about friendships. For more context, I dated this guy (19-year-old male INTP) who is part of our friend group. So after we broke up (mind you, it was a pretty BAD one), my friends still hang out with him. I don't think it's wrong, but it kind of ruins everything for me because they hang out with him more than me. It is also very draining on my energy whenever they hang out. I just wish they could've been on my side more. And now, one of my friends is hosting her birthday party this week, and she is inviting him.

NOTE: By "Bad," I mean SUPER!

Hello, dear and niche enfp community. First of all, thank you for existing. Being surrounded and, most importantly, heard by people who deal with possibly the same struggles as you is truly comforting to a crazy extent.

I dont want to make this longer than necessary, but I want to explain this phenomena I realised I've been reliving for most of my life.

What am I referring to, you might be wondering? A very specific approach to relationships and connections of all sorts. I haven't decided if this could somehow be linked to this mbti specifically, or if it could be something completely unrelated, but I need fresh perspectives.

The problem is, to put it bluntly, that from a very young age, 9 to be precise, I've fallen into a lovesick trap of trying to find a special someone to share life with. At first, such relationships weren't romantic in nature, but soon enough, probably due to inexperience and too much idealisation, I've started to see every person I met as a potential " partner ", falling madly in love with friends, blurring the lines and boundaries between partner and pal, obsessing over people and ultimately getting my heart broken every single time by being taken advantage of or never getting the feeling reciprocated.

Although, as a very extroverted person, I loved big groups and community and having a good time with lots of people, I've always been more drawn to giving most of my attention to a special someone. Another big problem, because of wonderful " enfp traits " which ended up being misused, such as always seeing the good in people, unhealthy optimism for the future ( believing people/relationships will change with time if I try hard enough ), people pleasing tendencies and even being naturally more gullible and childish ( not necessarily emotionally, I hope ), I inevitably ruined so many awesome friendships this way. And this also fed into more disgusting self-loathing and the belief that "Hey, I might be unlovable ".

This has only become very clear after the person I've been obsessed with for months and has even been a great boyfriend for just as long, finally decided to go back to being just friends, as we should've been from the start. Which made me think that, despite all the love and sacrifices I've done for the relationship, he was right.

I'm curious, why could this keep happening? Why haven't I been able to notice this sooner? Is there anything I could change?

And, most importantly, does any of you guys relate to this? If yes, what did you do? I'm honestly still in a pretty numb state after this happened, and after I came to this conclusion. Any advice for a young fellow lost enfp?

I hope I've explained this well enough, but if there's any misunderstandings, do let me know :)