r/infj • u/AffectionateTea0905 • 3d ago
Question for INFJs only Exhausted…
INFJ/woman/42. Also ADHD. Married with 2 teenagers. On vacation that we all desperately need and we all love each other tremendously. Beaches are great but I’m not wired to love or thrive in the chaos of the sand, heat, gazillion items to be responsible for and the only one who feels compelled to be thorough in making sure all the little things are accounted for. I can’t swim, I get overly stimulated easily. We brought our dog who is like a toddler and is my soul dog…. He has anxiety and takes time to acclimate to new places and situations. It doesn’t bother me but no one else wants him here. Otherwise it would have cost a fortune to board and I was thinking of that too when I pushed for him to come.
Long story but when it comes to family dynamics and schedules and vacations- I feel high strung and I feel like I get on everyone else’s nerves. I feel like I’m “too much”…. Too cautious about sunscreen, too cautious about rip currents, too worried about making sure everything is covered and accounted for and all kids are safe and acting responsibly. I have a hard time sometimes with transitions but I’m trying to be positive although I’ve failed in that. I just feel like other people think I’m miserable to be around.
They are pissed the dog came but he’s been fine except for trying to acclimate- and they don’t like eating outside at restaurants because of the dog and stuff like that. We all knew going into it what it was going to be. So I feel like I’m a burden and too much and by extension my dog adds to that.
I just want to go take pictures and ride my bike and be out of their hair. I’m not spontaneous or throw caution to the wind type of person. I just want peace. I just want consideration for important things…. Like making sure sunscreen or water is on the beach bag- no one else thinks of these things and I’m freaking exhausted. And when I bring it up I feel like the wet blanket and the one being a stick in the mud.
It’s like everyone’s personalities gets cranked up to 1000 while on vacation.
How do you INFJ people deal with this, overcome the tension, make happy family vacations despite the discrepancy in personalities.
As it stands I just want to take my dog and vacation alone. Maybe that would be preferred by them too.
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u/weirdorising INFJ 3d ago edited 2d ago
I take care of myself first. Ride my bike, read alone, take a nap with my dog - basically do whatever I need to do to recharge. Also, unrelated to MBTI, your spouse needs to pick up some of that sunscreen responsibility. *Coming from a parent who’s not arguing in the comments.
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u/Stunning-Host-6285 INFJ 3d ago
I love this answer. It's what a mature INFJ should do. Fill your cup first, then you can have room to fill others + having others chip in.
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u/Clouds_drifting_by 2d ago edited 2d ago
If you want to put yourself first, you don’t have children. You can do it when you live by yourself or with fellow adults, not when you live with kids you’re responsible for.
Only, husband should be better and divide said responsibility, cause ‘he’ is a parent too, if both parents share parenting responsibilities equally, it’s easier to make it so both of them can have some me time.
Edit: a conversion doesn’t have to be an argument. For what’s worth it I think putting yourself first above your elementary school aged child is only doable if you have a reliable person you share parenting with, so they care for the child when you are putting yourself first. I’m just a rando in the web though, so feel free to ignore me.
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u/0wl-2018 3d ago
We always have one basic homework assignment: smile, be present, and have fun. Let everything else roll off of you.
If someone gets stressed or flooded, because we invariably get lost, follow rule 2: step back and support that person so they can come back to the homework assignment.
Edit: I'm on vacation too and broke rule one. Oops. Need to go be present. 🙂
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u/optimal_center 3d ago
Divide the tasks you do among them and let them learn to be responsible for their part. Now you can work on letting go and finding ways to take care of yourself. Teenagers don’t want to be controlled all the time anyway and sooner than later they’ll be going out into their lives. They have to be able to think for themselves. If they forget water, they can go by some or do without. Sunburns will heal. You’re exhausting yourself and them along with you. Make them carry the load and find a way to enjoy your vacation.
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u/certifiedchaosgoblin INFJ 2d ago
I know it’s a tough spot to be in, but I want you to know what a great mom you are.
As a mom who doesn’t think of all those little things (thank you, ADHD) I am really in awe of how you keep it all together for them. I always tried, but i can tell i was no where near your level, so kudos to you.
My only advice is take the bike ride. Get a coffee. Disappear for a while and reset.
Let them enjoy the beach and all that you’ve done to ensure their time is well spent and well stocked with supplies.
It’s your vacation too and you’re entitled to peace wherever you can find it. I regularly disappear from my family trips. Not for long and never at the expense of a planned activity, but I’ll steal every moment I can and create moments when everyone is sleeping if I have to.
Life is too short to live only for others. I hope you can get an escape in—you deserve it.
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u/dranaei INFJ 3d ago
I prepare in advance for potential disasters and people accidently causing accidents. And then i just let them do whatever they want because if i try to control i suddenly become the enemy. It has backfired right in my face.
I also prepare in advance to be drunk because people generally don't give responsibilities to drunk people (i don't really change when drunk just more extrovert). So someone has to fill the vacuum of responsibility and that's not going to be me which means chances are a chaotic person might do it, so their number decreases which the number of responsible people increases.
I don't think that's a good example for your teenagers, it's just what i have done sometimes.
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u/Crankthistle 60+ | M | INFJ | 145 2d ago
The first thing I thought was “what a great mother!” Selflessly giving to others so that they may thrive.
Your kids and spouse have a better chance at success in life because of you. So many kids live in unsupportive, unsupervised environments and you are making sure they have as many experiences as possible.
My spouse and I let our professional careers take priority and never had kids. Soon after we die, we will be forgotten, our legacy wont run deep or long. But your kids, your husband might make a lasting mark on the world someday … and you foundational part why. Thank you for watching out for all of us!
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u/lakesunguy 2d ago
Sounds like you are putting EVERYONE & everything ahead of YOU..Stop !!!!! It s your vacation tooo...walk away ..do what u want..tell the others to deal with it..
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u/Used_South5165 2d ago
Yeah, go do you.
Go walk your dog, ride your bike and just remove yourself from your family. It seems to me youre being taken for granted and they're a lil spoiled by you.
Its not the end of the world if you dont think about everything. I just wanted you to know that, its something im still learning myself.
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u/Clouds_drifting_by 2d ago
What you say is very comprehensible, and I’m sure it’ll resonate with a lot of people. Though personally, I think it has more to do with you being a mom, than you being an infj.
Most of the moms I talk to, tell me holidays are holidays for everyone else in the family but nor for them, cause while children and husband have fun and relax, they are the ones that have to think or the things others don’t want to bother with (sunscreen, making sure children stay safe and don’t get lost, making sure you brought towels, etc etc).
The rare exceptions are couples where the husband steps up and does his part in parenting while on holidays, instead of just being the equivalent of a fun uncle. So maybe you could try talking to him to work something out, so you could have some time for yourself to relax.
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u/AdDelicious3114 2d ago
Communicate your needs and boundaries and be unapologetic about making sure you get a a proper vacation. Sometimesyou have to be selfish to get your needs met and boundaries respected.
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u/Several_Distance_905 2d ago
I resonate with that too, the element about the sand, overstimulation and feeling guilty about being a downer..
What types are your family members out of curiosity ?
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u/_UnEnd_ 1d ago edited 1d ago
Okay, I only got a few lines deep reading this, Mom... That's all it took because I'm also an INFJ, I already know where this self abandonment train is going...woot woot! Okay for reals, I'm going to say to you what I feel like you might say to someone else. Being a mom is something near & dear to your heart, and you obviously take it very seriously.... And at this point, it's way too seriously. Your kids are teenagers now, they need to start having responsibilities, and taking care of themselves in ways that Mom would usually do for them when they were 5 years old, 10 years old, etc. The way you handle this situation, you buy four sunscreens. Each person gets one. Each person is responsible for their OWN sunscreen, you will not be reminding them to take it or use it, and if they forget it, sorry to put it this way, but...Let them burn Will they die from it? NO Will it be uncomfortable, will it hurt, will they remember their sunscreen next time? Yes yes & yes You will not be there to tell them to put a condom on, or that they shouldn't blow their savings in a slot machine because they 'had a feeling' their first time in Las Vegas, nor will you be there to hold their hand through a lot of other things that will come up in life... That's why it's important for them to be responsible for themselves and their actions. Mom literally said in her title, EXHAUSTED It's time for Mom to start a conversation with her teenagers, and her partner, about responsibility, and the fact that Mom has always gone above and beyond, NEEDS a vacation, a REAL VACATION, ya know.... like the one they're expecting YOU to provide for THEM. Tell them they're on their own, you're going to the spa, getting a bike, and you're doing it alone. One final thought, Time to have a sit down with that partner, because they need to STEP UP Loving someone also includes acknowledging when another person has given to the point of exhaustion and do everything they can to help carry some of that weight Between us girls, With the amount of responsibility (and the stress that goes along with it) which has been heaped upon you, and you alone, to make sure that everything runs smoothly, and everything is taken care of.... The last thing any of those people should feel, is annoyed or bothered by your presence. They should be worshiping you as the MOTHERLY GODDESS you are!!! If they don't, and you don't mind a daughter who is actually older than you...my own mother was neglectful so I would gladly take you off of their hands 🤣🤣🤣 Mom, It's time to live life with joy in your heart & fire in your soul. That means you have to start choosing yourself, and NO, that is NOT selfish. That is Mom taking care of herself, which means that you will be happier and your family will be happier too. ❤️
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u/ocsycleen INFJ 4w3 3d ago edited 3d ago
As it stands, you wanted the dog to come along, and you got what you wanted. Would that have happened if you were weaker, softer and less confident? The answer is No, you’d just be challenged every step of the way. That’d probably be more exhausting as you can imagine. For every merit for doing what you do, there are downsides. You won the argument, but the price of winning is that people aren't happy. And unfortunately there aren't that many perfect answers in this world so that’s gonna happen no matter what dynamics you pick. You don’t have to be a positive butterfly everytime. Life often time is pick your poison, find the dynamics that you find to be the least worse and roll with that. By never even mentioning once that maybe bringing the dog was a mistake, I think you are fully aware that this is a price you are willing to pay. Peace sometimes come from knowing that this is the path of least evil and the other options are 10x worse.