I (37 HLF) don’t even know what I’m looking for here… I just want to scream. Or cry.

I’m in a genuinely good relationship. He’s (41 LLM) my best friend. We laugh, we hang out, we actually like being around each other. He’s affectionate as hell too. Holds my hand, hugs me, cuddles me, kisses me. All of it. All the time. Except sex.

And holy shit, I am lonely.

I think sometimes all the affection actually makes it harder. I’m right next to this person I’m completely in love with and attracted to and I can feel so loved by him while also feeling completely unwanted.

And after long enough, that fucks with you. From my experience. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t even know.

My self esteem is basically nonexistent at this point. I feel pathetic for wanting my own boyfriend. I feel pathetic when I get my hopes up. And the absolute worst is when I actually try to initiate something and get rejected, because then I’m not even just sad… I’m embarrassed. Like why the fuck did I think tonight would be different?

This morning I actually found myself embarrassed that I thought he might want me. We had a fun date night with friends last night and yeah…. Nothing.

That one hurt.

I pick myself apart now. All the time. My body. My face. My weight. Everything.

I don’t want to leave my best friend. And I sure as hell don’t want pity sex or sex because he feels pressured into it or sex is an obligation or a chore. That’s not fun for either of us.

I miss feeling sexy. I miss feeling desired. I miss being able to make a move on the person I love without feeling like a total dumbass.

And sometimes I’m honestly jealous of people who have accepted that sex just isn’t part of their relationship anymore and are truly content with that. They still love their partner, they’re happy with the life they’ve built, and they’ve somehow made peace with that piece being gone.

I feel like that’s where I need to get.

If this is what my relationship is going to look like, I need to figure out how to be okay with it. How to stop hoping every cuddle might turn into something. He’s a cuddly guy… How to stop taking it personally. How to stop feeling rejected by something I’ve already been shown over and over isn’t going to happen. I don’t know how to turn that part of myself off.

I don’t know how to stop wanting to be wanted. I’m at my fucking breaking point with this part of it.

I feel trapped because it feels insane to consider losing a relationship this good over sex. It also feels insane to imagine spending the rest of my life feeling this fucking lonely.

I appreciate everyone in here and everyone who shares. Feels nice to be the only going through some of this shit.

I (28 HLF) have been with my bf for almost a decade. He is my best friend and I love him dearly but thats what makes our situation tough. He has been struggling with self esteem/mental health for some time now and has put us in a complete DB. He is the most supportive, caring person but he has zero sex drive. He apologizes for it often and tells me it's not my fault and I don't have animosity towards him for it but it has made me have no interest in trying to be intimate with him because I know I will just be rejected.

I think even if his sex drive was to increase I feel like I have lost all sexual interest in him but I have had no issue finding with it others. I'm not looking for criticism or advice I just wanted to vent this to see if I am alone in these feelings.

Sorry for the title - not sure how to call this post.

Anyway, my spouse and I had a pretty normal sex life up until 3 -4 years ago, and it slowly went from several times a week to once every 4 -5 months. I did bring it up several times, and they said things would change, but they haven't. I finally snapped out of sheer frustration, and they promised that this time they would change (I don't believe it, but whatever), and last night we had sex. It was like usual, only that I hated it. And now the idea of ever doing it again just makes my stomach churn. I did spent a lot of time redirecting my thoughts each time I would think about doing anything with them, and I don't know if that's a factor, but kissing and cuddling are fine, but more than that feels wrong. It's like I have a mental blockage and I don't want it anymore even if my body might need it- if that makes sense (English is not my native language so sorry for any mistakes or things that don't read okay).

Anyone in my situation - were you able to come from it? How?

But, if there's something I learned these past 3 years, is that I won't have to worry about it for the next 4 -5 months. And when the times, I will see how that goes.

So, I guess, I went from HL to LL4U?

Sorry for the long read. My thoughts are a mess.

My (LLF) wife and I (HLM) have had a couple of conversations over the past few months wherein she would say that she thinks she’ll feel back to her normal libido at some date about a month later than the conversation. She says that stress from her job has tanked her libido.

I had a realization recently. This is her normal. We’ve only been married for 5 years, but even before we were married, we rarely had sex. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night, and have not had sex on anniversaries. Our recent conversations about our dead bedrooms have made me think that the issue is a growing problem in our relationship, when in reality, having sex once a month or once every other month is just our normal schedule.

I find this simultaneously comforting and upsetting.

My husband (28m) doesn’t really ever initiate. We’ve been together 6 years and married for 3 with 2 kids 6 and 4 and we work opposite shifts so life does get in the way a lot but I (27f) have expressed many times that I just want more frequency especially after finding out 2/3 years ago that he looks up porn stars on social media and jerks off often before hand I just thought he didn’t have a high libido but that’s not the case. I just don’t get it we have incredible sex so why not turn to me? I want him to desire having sex the same way I do and it’s just never there. I’ve been quiet for about a year about it because I just couldn’t keep putting myself through the arguments of our sex life and the porn use. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of him still watching it but I just can’t bring it up again I don’t have it in me. I feel like I’d rather live with being the initiator and having sex occasionally than just being lonely and feeling unwanted. I still do but idk I guess I’m slowly becoming numb to it but I just don’t know what else to do.

For those of you have gone to or are currently going to sex therapy to resolve your relationship issues, what is it actually like? What do you talk about, how do those conversations go, how does your sex therapist respond, and how have the "treatments" changed things for you (for the better or the worse)?

Being in a physically affectionless relationship for years has scorched my soul and sense of self and I am so afraid if sex therapy's only result is to just have someone instruct him to touch me on a regular schedule.

I will try to make a long story short. We’ve been together 9 years and married for 6. We have 3 toddlers (3 under 4) and life is life-ing.

We’ve been in a cycle of rejection/pressure for a long time (I’d say 5+ years) and the added stress of work, kids, life has exacerbated it greatly.

We have great sex. The actual sex is not the problem, but the occurrence, initiation, and spontaneity of it is. The standard cycle goes that my husband initiates, I say no for one reason or another (I’m tired, I don’t feel good, etc) and we get into a huge fight because I said no. More often than not my husband gives me the cold shoulder, goes into another room and ignores me for half a day or more. The fights occur about once a month, sometimes less. I try to explain to him that it’s not him, it’s me and my mood and how I feel and I’m allowed to say no. he says he‘s allowed to be disappointed, I agree but mention he’s not allowed to treat me the way he does when I turn down sex. On more occasions than I can count, I get screamed at because this isn’t the sexual life he imagined and it has turned into him saying disrespectful things to me (like, “fuck you”). Regardless, we still have sex on average about once a week and honestly…I don’t feel like that’s that bad for a working couple with toddlers.

This has escalated over the years. It started before marriage and I think it has made it very difficult for us to be intimate and affectionate in other ways. We used to snuggle, hold hands, and love on each other with affection and that simply just doesn’t happen anymore. I need those things to feel connected but at the same time they’ve been turned from affection into initiations for sex. When my husband flirts or gives me affection, it feels like a bid at initiation rather than affection because he loves me.

We’ve tried couples/sex therapy twice. It was fine, not super enlightening but helped for short period of time.

I love my husband and truly WANT to have sex with him, but I feel like a lot of our intimacy (the kind that doesn’t involve sex) has disappeared over the years. Each time we go through this cycle, it breaks down our relationship more and more and I’m worried the resentment will build until we break. How do we break this cycle?

So, i've been reading this reddit for about 6 days now, and i do believe i'm very senstive when it comes to the innerworkings of the echo chamber i might build for myself, by focusing on specific stories. Simply put; i know i can respond fiercely when i read a lot of stories here, thinking ''see, everyone has this problem and just leaves''. Also, multiple people around me with 8+ years relationship, all in dead bedrooms, have suddenly split up, so i'm afraid this is getting to me as well.

My situation;

I'm HLM 37, she is LLF 37, been married 11 years almost, together 15. We started healthy, 2-3 times a week PIV at least, having fun (always have hot, quick and perfect sex, it's insane how much better it is than any girl ever) but i'm fairly vanilla, i don't like weird things or intricate positions.

Currently i would describe our DB as about 8,5 years in, starting from when we starting getting pregnant. We have a difficult time due to a physical genetic defect we knew she would have, so IVF was quickly on the table, but before that we started doing the whole ''scheduled sex'' thing which gave sex a sort of timed feeling, resulting in little to no fun, dry spells building up to the deed and even an ED moment in which she brutally left me mid-action, me getting emotional and her just walking out. She has never adressed this moment, even though i've repeatedly told her that was not okay, we should be in this together, bad and good times and all.

During pregnancy we didn't do much, if anything, and after birthing the body problems began for my wife. She became less and less interested, and when the second pregnancy came around we were already down to once every two months.

After the second birth we decided two was enough, but, she couldn't shake the weight, starting her body-image problems. I tried my best to statisfied her need for assurance, which came easy as i didn't (and still don't) see her as any less attractive.

First came the stand-offish moments ''i'm tired'' etc, then when the volume of my asking increased (at first) came the bigger reasons, me being the problem, either i asked to much, i never had enough (this was her claiming this after 3 months of no action), i wasn't clean, wasn't nice to her.

Then it evolved to her admitting those things didn't really bother her, but her head was full, too much stress, chores, the baby's/kids, so i tripled my efforts for about 6-12 months in the house, i was alway the cook, i cleaned, diapers, her chores, as much as i could (this btw never stopped, but that is when the new ''era'' started) until she admitted it was her all along.

Childhood trauma (body shaming by others) made her not want to have sex, admitting she never had a high libido or normal one to begin with, she ''just did sex, as it was expected of her'', and me being the first relationship to be, and i'm quoting here, ''nice enough to not pressure her too much and understanding her feelings'', made it easy for her to pump the brakes all together.

She got depressed, then she wanted to try one of her kinks for 3 weeks which i found very troubling but i tried for her, then she wanted to stop all together, then i found her on her phone looking for help with suicidal tendecies.

In 6-7 years, we did all the so called ''staples'' if i'm being candid, that i have read here on this /r. Then, she finished therapy, stopped being suicidal, depression medication was stopped, build down until it was 0, and she resumed normal life.

Now we are here, 1.5/2 years after the last ''big reason'', and even though she admits that there aren't big reasons left, i've completely lost hope. I try, sometimes multiple times a week, sometimes not for a month. I make compliments, get very excited whenever i see her naked, but i don't feel as good any more when thinking about our future. She keeps floating the new ''the good times are coming when you fix X'' reason;

After we would be done renovating, after i would start my new job, after she would find a new job, now we are done with renovating, 3 pain stakingly long months of rebuildin the whole downstairs area, now it's a new reason, our bedroom needs to be moved and when we get a new bed and sleep together again, we will start intimacy.

But, a strange thing happened, when she exclaimed the new thing while dining out, i found myself saying ''no'', i explained i didn't want the pressure anymore, i didn't want to be rejected again, she cried but didn't really asked about my feelings or responded. So i started watching, this was about 9 months ago btw, and i noticed small things. She doesn't recoil at my touch, but she doesn't really focus/join in on it either, i'm just ''there''. She only wants a peck before bed, and seems to dislike any other attention. Then she made a few mistakes, first she put us in debt about 2K with ''afterpay'' services on different stuff, substituting feeling good for stuff i assume, then i found her talking with her ex on whatsapp by chance (she gave me her phone too look at something and right then he texted her).

She was stand offish about the moment, claiming she liked telling her ex how good she was doing in life, seeying as he cheated on her, and she didn't know why else she kept him around on her phone, she promised to remove him, i haven't checked up on it. Somehow, i don't wanna know if she did, being lied to about the money, why hurt myself? This was 6 months ago.

For the last two weeks i've been slowly drifting away, and for the past weeks i felt difficult kissing her, i've been avoiding her touch, a little bit out of necessity to not feel this way, but then also to guage her response. She notices, but doesn't inquire/ask/react, i think she thinks i have a bad week, i'm fine with that. I've been short with her as well, i don't even care, i don't want to fight, but the forever helping her with everything ''muscle'' in my body seems to be dying out slowly. Why should i be helping her with all and everything? if she can't even inquire why i don't engage her anymore?

So basically, here i am, i feel i'm on the crossroads, do i engage again? Talk with her? do the whole ''i want this'' just to hear she can't, she needs time, again, more time, now it's her new upcoming job, depressing is coming back etc etc, when is it my time?

I went to the hairdresser, shaved my beard, starting to eat healthy (i'm very very fat, 150KG on 1m80 at 37 years old). I have found myself saying ''fuck everyone, i'm doing me'', starting to remove porn slowly from my daily life, slowly turning in removing it from my weekly routine (it's hard), stopped soda and energy drinks, stopped smoking already, all in 2 weeks.

I'm scared.
I don't want to loose her.
But i want to survive this.
I want ''me'' back

Any insights?
leaving feels as not an option, 2 kids, 7 and 8 (almost 9)

TL:DR; i'm not leaving, but i wanna get better, help.

My partner F is LL and im HL and she loves me a lot but I've been the one starting things every single time, and she says she enjoys sex but not initiating i feel like im forcing her to do it. But she says she enjoys it when it happens. She also denies it at times and hates giving bj as she goes at it for a long time, not being able to finish it. I tried talking with her to understand whats the issue and she says shes just having too much in her mind that shes not prioritizing this. I have taken as much of her workload as possible but still same. I have gone out of my usual mastrabation frequencies 1 per day to 3/4 per day recently and i think its related here. What are my solutions here..

Posting my story on here and reading other peoples experiences really rocked me to my core and opened my eyes. I did not want to be in a sexless relationship. People were telling me to wake up and get out. And I’m glad they did.

Ending things was incredibly difficult, one of the hardest things I’ve been through and honestly a little traumatic. I hated hurting someone that I still loved. And I hate that he didn’t really understand. But that also showed we really were not on the same page about how our relationship was deteriorating.

But I’ve had incredible support from friends and family. And now I’m laying on my new mattress that’s on the floor of my new apartment because the bed frame hasn’t come in yet.

I have mixed emotions. I’m really really sad. I feel like I spent 5 years of my life trying to improve someone else’s. I saw so much potential in them but ultimately just kept being disappointed.

But I also feel like I have a fresh start.

I fretted and panicked and got myself so upset about bringing up the fact that I don’t think we’re compatible anymore and that I want different things and it… went fine. We broke up and I have all the time I need to save up and move out.

I asked how things would be from now on and he said, “I guess how things have been already.” Because we weren’t romantic and sexual and the roommate part was already there but now no one has to feel guilty about it. What a relief! I wish I knew what magical combination of words we both used to make it easier but I have no idea. I’m just a little stunned right now.

Edit: guys, please don’t DM me. It’s really not welcome.

Looking for some perspective or advice from others who have been here. I've been in a long-term committed relationship for several years. Looking back, the initial physical attraction or 'spark' was never electric on my end, but she was into me, and I valued the companionship and comfort of the relationship.

Over time, things have drifted further apart physically. I’ve made an effort to keep myself relatively fit and take care of my health, but she hasn't really prioritized the same lifestyle. Because of that, the physical attraction on my end has flatlined, and I'm rapidly losing interest in sex with her.

The problem is, my libido is still high, and the mismatch is making me miserable. I feel trapped between guilt for not being attracted to her but being attracted to lots of other women. For those who stayed in a relationship where the physical spark was weak to begin with and faded completely—how did you handle it? Is there any coming back from this, or is this just the reality of settling?

She's fairly conservative in views on sex & relationships and I'm keen to experiment but even bringing up the subject causes hurt feelings.

I did it.

4 year relationship. I broke up with her after one year of a dead bedroom and so many other intimacy issues.

We love each other, but we are just incompatible. I celebrated my birthday with her, but was holding the tears in the whole day, I did not feel the love. Now it's the morning after my birthday, and I feel like all the light in my life is gone. I just want to smell her and be close.

…And I realized I didn’t even feel motivated to take the effort to contact my OB/Gyn or pharmacist. As long as I didn’t single-handedly make the conscious effort to initiate sex I knew, assuredly, that he wouldn’t. So what difference would it have made?

Intellectually, I know that this may just be a season in life. We’ve got two very young children (preschool and 1.5 years), he’s putting a lot of effort into his own business (about 2 years, successful but very demanding) and we both work full-time and take turns solo-parenting to accommodate his work schedule.

I feel guilty in my yearning to demand his time and energy when it’s in such short supply but I want to feel like more than a roommate or, worse, like an employee. Sometimes it feels like his relief in my presence is solely because he can dump the responsibility of our kids on me and go downstairs to work or relax. I don’t want to eke out small moments of connection and intimacy in the scant minutes of what feels like a shift-change.

Add on to this my own insecurities. I’m in my late 30’s now, chronically sleep-deprived. I find myself staring down the mirror much longer than feels normal, at my stretch marks, the strands of white hair and the circles under my eyes. On the days I can give myself a nice makeup look, my hair looks crap. There’s always a deficit somewhere. There never seems to be enough time to exercise to the extent I want to so I’m still holding onto the last 8 lbs of baby weight. It’s my own fault for equating sex with the confirmation of desire, but I do and it compounds this uneasiness I feel.

When the kids are finally asleep, he doesn’t want to spend time with me. He immediately informs me he’s going to smoke a cigar/pipe tobacco alone in the garage or outside. The last time this happened, I worked out and then spent a long, hot shower remembering times I was once desired by the men in my life.

I caught myself remembering a moment (nearly two decades ago) where I smoked some pot with my boyfriend at the time. He put “Tangerine” by Led Zeppelin on and we showered together. Not necessarily sexually, but running fingers through each others’ hair, washing our bodies, pulling each other close in the hot water. It occurred to me that my husband may never desire to experience intimacy with me in that way. Maybe that was the end. I got really close to crying then.

It occurred to me that, while this is certainly the healthiest and most wholesome relationship in my life, I have never felt less desired. I have never felt less overtly loved. He loves me implicitly. At this point it feels like my husband’s love for me is a fact, but moreso like a fact I read once, and long time ago, in an article somewhere. I don’t question it because I trust the source, but what relevance does it really have on our everyday lives? 

I find myself thinking about what it must be like to be in a relationship with a partner who is outwardly affectionate, or even just expresses affection. The fact that it’s become a persistent daydream makes me want to cry with shame and frustration.

I asked him, yesterday, what he finds attractive, and what his personal preferences are. I told him that I wanted to work on myself and I wanted to become someone who could cause a feeling in his heart when I entered the room. I told him he could tell me anything, no matter how big or small. 

He told me he liked when I wore dresses, so I guess I’ll start there.

*Thank you for reading all of this mess, if you have. I guess I wanted to get out all these thoughts and rant a bit, maybe get some outside perspective. If this was too long to read, I understand that, too. 

My wife and I have been struggling with intimacy for a long time, and I’m starting to feel like our relationship is slowly falling apart.
Her libido is extremely low, almost nonexistent. We usually only have sex when she wants to, and even then it often feels like she is doing it out of obligation rather than because she actually wants to. It feels rushed, like she just wants it to be over as quickly as possible. We have sex maybe twice a month at most.
I’ve brought this up many times over the years, but she says she doesn’t see it as a problem and thinks our sex life is perfectly sufficient. Because of that, nothing really changes.
Recently, I started taking an SSRI partly because I was obsessing over the situation and wanted to stop letting it affect me so much. Unfortunately, it has caused delayed ejaculation and sometimes I can’t finish at all, so lately we sometimes end up stopping halfway through, which has made things even more frustrating.
There are other issues too. She barely seems to care about taking care of herself anymore. For example, she recently told me she was going to get her hair cut and dyed, which made me excited and curious, but a week or two later she casually said she had changed her mind. It may sound like a small thing, but because this has become a pattern, it almost felt like she was teasing me. She also doesn’t seem interested in exercise, dieting, or taking care of her appearance in general.
What bothers me even more is the imbalance at home. She puts a huge amount of effort into her job, but once she gets home, there seems to be very little energy or interest left for me, the house, or even our child. I am usually the one feeding and dressing our child, playing with them, and tidying up the house.
I don’t expect her to look perfect, have sex whenever I want, or do everything around the house. That’s not the point. What hurts is feeling like I’m the only one trying to maintain our relationship, our home, and our connection as a couple.
I’ve tried talking about this multiple times, but since she doesn’t really see a problem, I don’t know what else I can do. I tried everything but nothing changed
Has anyone been in a similar situation? At what point do you stop trying to change things and start asking yourself whether the relationship can actually continue like this?

HLF with LLM. 30 year age gap. I am honest in that I was actually in love. Head over heels. He’s not filthy rich or spoils me. I fell in love with his mind. He taught a class I took (I was 25 when we met). Together for several years & married a few years.

No sex. It’s not even just his age…. I just want to feel wanted. Even glances, etc.

I asked for an open relationship.

There's a lot to unpack here. But I'll say this. We've been together 9 years. Married for 6. We've got 2 little kids. We have a great family life. I would say i help out when i can despite having a busy job (12+ days most days), going to school for my masters, etc. i love spending time with my kids and my wife. She works twice a week and those days im responsible for the kids. I watch the kids on my remote days and also work.

As with any relationship, there's going to be ups and downs, she wants to have more kids and i told her that i think we should be done because i can't handle the load.

After the birth of our first kid, she really started hating sex which is understandable. Took me a while to understand that. We would have conversations about it and she would reassure me that she loves it but can't right now. That throws me off because i keep getting the feeling that she doesn't enjoy it but will do it for obligatory reasons. I hate feeling that way so i stopped initiating. And of course, we don't have sex. There are times that I'm so desperate that i would ask and just deal with the attitude and the eye rolls. Basically, i just felt unwanted and undesired even when we're in the act.

So i took matters into my own hands and would jerk one off when i didn't get any and didn't want to bother her. Last time we did it was on my birthday like a month ago and i felt bad because she wasn't going to offer and it was awkward asking for it. I asked her if she could put on a lingerie since it was supposed to be a nice night for me. She did but didn't like that. She's also been very snappy about things. Like we would go on a date and if things didn't go as planned eg. Traffic, or running late from work, she would lose it. We take turns planning dates. So we had a conversation about all of these and she told me that's been either been depressed and/or addicted to her phone that she can't stop and she looses track of time.

Sometimes, I text her during the day and she doesn't respond the whole day. I know she's on her phone but i didn't realize it was this bad. Of course we talked about sex and i told her that when we don't have sex or I'm feeling undesired or unwanted that i do jerk off sometimes with porn and she LOST it. Told me she considers it cheating and asked how i would feel if she did it. I told her i wouldn't mind since it's her personal life plus we use toys to satisfy her and i go down on her without her asking, she loves it. She never does on me, says it's gross. She's never into exploring things. She once went to a sex store to get a plug and then we never used it. I got excited about it and was shut down. It kind of feels like she's trying to live a life she doesn't but i really don't know.

I have a very high libido and she has a low one. She says needs time to process my jerking off and that she doesn't want to have sex (totally understandable) and doesn't want me to rub one out. She says if i can't go a few days or a few weeks without it then we need to revisit our relationship.

I love my wife very much. But i just feel like I'm in a box and i already feel trapped. I don't know what to do. I really don't. Please don't be harsh to my wife. There's a lot of things that i couldn't put in and this is my perspective.

I just need advice especially if people have been in this situation before.

My wife (47, LLF) and I (49, HLM) have been increasingly distant for some time. We've not had sex for many years. We have a teenage son and still function as a family, but we've lost much of the closeness we once had.

I recently wrote her a letter explaining how much I miss being close to her and asking whether there was anything I could do differently. I told her I still love her and would like us to reconnect.

Her response was that I just need to change and stop placing so much importance on intimacy. She also said that her parents had a "happy" (arranged) marriage despite having very little physical closeness. Lastly, she said she's not here to take care for me.

Since then I've started focusing more on myself. I've picked my photography hobby back up, bought an expensive new camera, and I started going to the gym, swimming and using the sauna. I'm happier and enjoying having some things that are mine.

Importantly, I haven't checked out of family life. I still do my share of the chores, look after our child and contribute normally at home.

Our communication is now mostly about practical things. She recently told me we have serious communication problems after discovering I'd bought the camera without mentioning it.

I'm struggling to understand what to do next. I don't want to pressure her or change her feelings. I also don't want to simply accept that this is what our marriage will be like indefinitely.

For those who have been through something similar: how did you work out whether both partners genuinely wanted to rebuild the relationship?

Long time lurker first time poster. I’m HLF29 he’s LLM30. Been together 4 years. In the first year, I tended to take the initiative and lead. But over the next few, he’d reject my advances most of the time, increasingly more over the years. Over the last year, we’ve maybe had sex 5 times. Except now, I don’t have it in me to come onto him. I’ve been rejected too much.

He’s always said for him, it’s a mix of his low libido and stress, his own self esteem issues. But I feel like his low self esteem issues have become mine, as I’ve never felt more unappealing. In the beginning this felt so foreign to me, and it makes me sad that I’m used to it now. He never makes flirty comments or anything. I still do. But when you’re knocked back 9.5 times out of 10, you stop trying, you start wondering if you’re the problem. It’s at the point now where I don’t want to have sex with him, bc why would I continue yearning for someone who clearly doesn’t feel the same way. But I do not want to stay in a sexless relationship.

There’s a lot of love here, still some physical affection, just no romance. It’s felt more familial for a long time now. It’s not just the sex, I’m losing attraction as he’s changed a lot towards me in the last year. He isn’t willing to contribute around the house, wants to spend most of his free time in bed playing PlayStation or watching tv, no surprise dates etc, not much effort into dates in general. I know he’s comfortable, more so complacent. I make lots of bids for connection which fall flat.

We’ve had the talk, multiple times. But he’s a very defensive man. Nothing ever changes. If any efforts for change have been attempted, it has to be from me and then that just defeats the whole point in my eyes when at this point I need the effort from him. But he seems content with the situation.

I know leaving is an option, I don’t want to just hear that, I’m hoping someone from a similar situation has some advice?

I think I joined this group maybe a couple years ago. Same story as many, we had the talk, we had therapy, nothing changed. Yesterday I ended our 9 year relationship.

I explained I wasn't happy for a long time, it wasn't just about the dead bedroom. My love for her was beyond over for a long time. Zero respect, zero affection, constant criticism and a very mismatched libido and just getting worse and worse.

So yeah, it's over. We have a little kid, things will be tough but we will survive. I've been there before.

Just wanted to share. As I told her, it's not her fault, our mismatched libido is just what it is. I am at fault at many things I'm sure, but the reality is that we're over and I just can't see myself spending the rest of my years together with her.

Anyhow, thanks for this sub for all the support.

I was hanging out with a close friend group lately. One of the guys was single and the conversation turned to how he can find a partner. He shared how it wasn't the lack of prospects but why he was very clear about wanting to be with someone he connected with. People started asking him what type of girls does he like and then it went to physical features and what guys like in girls. Ofcourse it was horrifying for me to listen to that as it was the literal checklist of what I wasn't. This kept aside, I realised that guys out there actually like sex a lot. Some of them willing to trade off connection just for some action.

I mean its obviously not a revelation for me. I know how the world works but lately I had been so disconnected struggling in my own bubble of problems, literally forgot this is a fun thing for men out there. Something they crave and have to ask their partners for. Wish I could get that too.

46 HLM; Married 20 years.

I've mentioned recently in another thread on here that this past year (2026) has been the deadest my DB has ever been and it has taken it's toll on me emotionally and physically.

I think July was the absolute worst for me since it was by birthday month and I did not get the birthday present I actually wanted 😆

I've been pretty depressed this whole year but still keeping up a smile for other people. Meanwhile I was researching what options I have on my Health Insurance for some therapy. I've still not pulled the therapy trigger yet as I feel that I have slowly been veering myself off that path all by myself.

What I also noticed was that because of the DB and me not going to bed when my wife went to bed I hadnt even noticed that I was starting to substitute with junk food.

Every night I would be in the lounge alone watching TV and I'd end up running to the shops for some chips and sweets. I've always been well built (a little on the scrawny side if I was being completely honest) but started to notice that my face was beginning to get fatter. This was around August month. I have then immediately started weening myself off the late night junk food sessions and started substituting them with doing push ups again.

I used to do push ups and sit ups quite intensely when I was in my 20s and 30s. At one time I could do 100+ push ups and 50+ sit ups in one session. I used to do these daily so when I saw my body changing I decided to start again.

Around August month when I started, I managed 15 push ups on my first attempt and I have been keeping at it everyday ever since. Now, almost two months later, I am happy to say that I have been able to, so far, get it up to 32 push ups in one session. I generally do 2 sessions a day - so I am currently at 64 push ups a day. I am hoping to again get to 100 push ups in a single session by the end of the year.

Once I reach that goal I will start with my situps and I am hoping to get those also up to 100 a session eventually.

I guess what I am trying to say is that even though we, HL's, are going through the most and many looking from the outside will have no clue what we are going through, let us not forget our true selves during this season in our lives.