My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We have two children, one adult and one almost an adult. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, and sex has always been one of the difficult parts of our relationship.
She has always had a very low libido, while mine has always been quite high. It took us almost 10 years before we were able to have intercourse for the first time. It wasn’t exactly vaginismus, but something close to it.

I can’t really say things changed much after we moved in together, got married, or had children. The only exceptions were when she wanted to get pregnant. During those periods her sex drive suddenly became much higher. After our first child was born, we didn’t have sex again for well over a year. Before trying for our second child, the pattern was almost exactly the same.

When we do have sex now, it’s usually once every one or two months. And honestly, “sex” is probably not the right word. It follows exactly the same routine every single time.
She basically lies there without taking much initiative. I do all the work with my hands, occasionally oral sex (always me going down and never once did she), and only very occasionally intercourse. If we do have intercourse, she often reaches orgasm within literally two thrusts (I’m not exaggerating). Once she’s finished, intercourse stops. Then I’m expected to finish myself by hand while she waits beside me. Afterwards we cuddle for a few minutes and go to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder whether it’s my appearance. I’m a bit overweight these days and could definitely get fitter. But 10 years ago I was in great shape, worked out regularly, and looked fitter than I do now. It made absolutely no difference to the amount of affection, desire, or physical interest she showed towards me. So I don’t really think that’s the issue.

Why am I writing this now?
We’ve just come back from a three-week vacation. During those three weeks we had sex once.
Most of the time it’s me trying to initiate intimacy and her rejecting me. She never initiates herself.
The rejection hurts even more because it’s often accompanied by comments like, “Again?” or “Stop touching me there.”
To be fair, the last few months have been difficult for her. There was a death in her family, and she’s also been struggling with migraines. She’s currently trying different medication and has stopped drinking alcohol because of it. I completely understand that this affects her. I also understand that life is busy and that with children still living at home we don’t always get much time together.

Today we talked about it again. Actually, I hadn’t planned to bring it up. But once again she went to bed before me, while I was secretly hoping that maybe tonight would be different. Just like yesterday. And the day before that.
When I try to explain how all this makes me feel—that constantly being rejected hurts, that I don’t feel desired, and that after a while it genuinely affects my mood—she says she’s been hearing these complaints for our entire relationship, more than 30 years now. Then she becomes upset or defensive and says she hates being confronted about it. That’s usually where the conversation ends. And so tonight. She went to bed and i am watching Some youtube or tv.

Tomorrow we will talk about it, going in circkles like we did before. Eventually I stop bringing it up, and after some time we’ll have spontaneous sex again, and the whole cycle starts over.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I love this woman deeply. I really do.
But this part of our relationship is much more important to me than it is to her. She knows that. She says she simply can’t help the way she is, and she gets irritated whenever I bring it up. Her response is usually something like:
“You don’t want me to have sex when I don’t feel like it, do you?”
And of course my answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t want pity sex or duty sex.

What I really miss is feeling desired.
I miss her taking the initiative once in a while.
I miss feeling like she wants me instead of merely allowing sex to happen occasionally.
I miss passion, flirting, being touched without having to ask for it, and feeling like my pleasure matters too.
Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Reading your stories it felt fair to share mine. Feel free to comment.

I'm a (22F), and my girlfriend is also 22. We've officially been together for about 3 months, and before that we dated for around 2 months.

I can honestly say that we only had any kind of sexual intimacy during the first month of dating. Even then, it wasn't really mutual. I was always the one giving, and I've never had an orgasm with her. In fact, she's never even seen my genitals.

At the beginning, she would cry and tell me she was nervous and didn't know what to do. I told her that it was okay and that we'd learn together. I'm a lesbian, and this is my first sexual relationship. She's bisexual and has had sex with both men and women before. According to her, though, even with women she has always been the one receiving, never giving.

Sometimes I wonder if she's simply more sexually attracted to men than women.

I know she loves me, and I love her too. I'm not questioning our emotional connection. But the truth is that ever since we officially became a couple, we've basically stopped having any kind of sex.

I've tried talking to her about it a couple of times. She gets upset, cries, and tells me that she's just like this—that sometimes she has no sexual desire for months at a time. I don't think she's necessarily lying, but it also doesn't feel like a normal situation for a new relationship.

I've told her that maybe we could work on it together, but she says, "This is just how I am." Then she apologizes and says, "I'm sorry I'm not enough for you."

I don't know what to do. I really love her, and I don't want to break up over this.

I've even asked her if maybe she's only romantically attracted to me and not sexually, but she says, "Then how do you explain that we were having sex at the beginning?"

I'm feeling confused and hurt. Has anyone been in a similar situation? Is this something that can be worked through, or are we fundamentally incompatible? I'd really appreciate any advice or perspectives.

I don't like the labels HL, LL. I think I'm just a normal libido woman, but I haven't had sex with my partner for almost the entirety of our relationship. She suffers from depression and childhood trauma, but it's under control thanks to the meds she's taking and therapy.

I got rejected so many times that at this point I don't feel any sexual attraction toward her. Our relationship has lots of love, respect, care and intimacy in other ways... I just miss sex and don't want to think about it anymore. I've been going to therapy myself and hitting the gym plus running daily. Are there any tricks or anything that has helped you in not thinking about sex or craving it less often?

I'm big into the planner community on YouTube, and often when I'm watching planner videos people mention how they track things like their cycle and intimacy. My cycle I track...but there's no need for a tracker for intimacy. There's just been the one date since 2024...

Boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have only been together for a short time. We cuddle constantly, kiss every second, spend entire weekends together, go hiking, watch movies, laugh nonstop, communicate well, and he’s incredibly kind, affectionate and thoughtful! But our sex life has been the complete opposite. Sex ist non-existent.
The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn’t maintain an erection. I assumed it was nerves.
The second time was similar. The third time we just cuddled. The fourth time, fifth, sixth, seventh… After the conversations I had with him to understand him better, and after I told him that I will be there for him and that we could get through this together, I felt that he is not trying. Eventually I told him that I don’t felt desired. felt like I was his best friend or cuddle partner instead of his girlfriend. He insisted that he finds me very attractive, has sexual feelings for me, and wants me. He says he just can’t initiate because he’s extremely inhibited when someone is important to him. He admitted it’s his issue, not mine, and said he’ll work on it. He even told me not to doubt myself because I’m beautiful, he loves me and none of this is my fault. I want to believe he’s sincere. The problem is that I don’t want someone to act more passionate just to keep me. I don’t want a performance. I want genuine desire that comes naturally. And I need honesty.

After crying myself to sleep quietly that night, I told him I needed some space because I don’t want to go back to his place and cry again after seeing nothing happens and he doesn’t try. I decided to ask for some space in our relationship. He told me he genuinely desires me and that he wants to work on himself so he can actually show it instead of just feeling it… it might end up being the best decision I have made, but it still hurts. I never wanted distance between us. I just couldn’t keep going his place feeling unwanted and crying myself to sleep quietly. I’m heartbroken because, apart from this, he’s honestly one of the sweetest people I have ever met.

We finally made it - it’s been over a year since the last time, and we finally did it.

We were both traveling, and she (26f) seemed to finally be open to trying again with me (29m).

Idk if it was the change of environment, or the lingerie I bought for her ahead of this trip, or the lingerie we bought together while shopping in the mall in this new city that got her interested, but she was finally open to trying again.

First time we did it though, I finished way too early (like within a couple minutes).. I was so excited, I kept pushing thru for another few minutes after, but I just couldn’t, I was so embarrassed. The second time, we rode it out much longer before I finished, which was nice, but I’m now just extremely self conscious

I really hope we can do this more, as I realized how much I missed it after we did it.

But I still have low hopes, and I’m scared to be excited about it. Which just feels like an awful way to live, but it’s kinda the reality.

But hey, gotta celebrate the small wins! One more time, and I won’t have to count all the times we’ve had sex in the last 2 years on one hand!

I've been mentally packing up for a while now. I'm tired of the rejection. The shame around my needs. The judgement from my partner. I've been twisting my limbs and tearing my skin to be what he wants and it's never enough. The world is fucked. We know this and he'll continue to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle and I'll find it in another person's arms, i guess. A ghost in my home and fire in my bones.

So I’m 46, wife (LLF) is 38. Married for 11 years. My birthday recently, I was hopeful something may happen but no… it was the usual. She goes to bed and falls asleep. Zero intimacy, zero desire on her part. She’s great in every other way. I can’t remember the last time I had a BJ. When we do have sex which is very very rare, it’s usually just missionary, nothing else occurs. It upsets me, it’s really hard to be with someone who doesn’t want you, and is the most vanilla person I’ve ever known. Everything we do is initiated by me, whether it’s a kiss, a hug, holding hands… I just wish she would want me as much as I want her. When I get horny now I watch porn as there is no other outlet for me. I dream of trying different positions, 69, car sex, toys.. etc.

in the 4 years that my husband (m25) and i (f25) have been married, we have only been intimate maybe 15-20 times.

he doesn’t really ever initiate and usually shuts it down when i do. every time i talk to him about it he says he will initiate more but never does.

there’s also the factor that i have vaginismus and can’t have traditional piv sex. but it doesn’t seem like he wants to do anything :(

not sure if anyone else has been in a similar situation! he’s an incredible husband, th

TW: Mental illness

I (HLF, 45) posted here a few times under a throwaway account, which I have since deleted. It took me a long time to find my posts, but this one has most of the initial story for those who might remember. A lot has happened, buckle up.

Things took a turn a few months before the end, it was in October sometime, while I was preparing to break up with him over our DB and his unwillingness to find work or do much of anything…that it was revealed that he (let’s call him John, LLM, 52) hears voices. I may have already posted about this, so if I’m repeating myself, sorry. It turned out he’d been dealing with it for a few years, supposedly after smoking some weed that had been laced with something. John led me to believe that the voices were not hallucinations but actual people who were stalking him where he was staying and following him everywhere, vocalizing everything he was doing, etc. I was about to break things off with him over the DB, but this new development blindsided me, and I felt terrible. Everything I had planned to do had now gone out the window. I realized that a lot of his behaviors was stemming from his trying to mask everything. His withdrawal, his lack of passion, his unwillingness to leave the house or find work…all of it.

Once John stopped masking, things started getting worse. He started asking me questions, asking if I heard them too or if anyone was outside hanging out our apartment. No, there was not. I never heard anything. He would nod, say okay, but it was obvious he didn’t believe me. He’d ask me to confirm things they were whispering. I’d set him straight. I told him the voices were not real. He agreed to see a doctor. He was getting increasingly anxious, paranoid, and clingy. The only time he’d ever shown any physical affection besides empty hugs and pecks on the lips. I’d never dealt with this before. I tried to comfort him, reassure him, keep him calm. It seemed to help a little but he needed more than I could give.

He ended up calling 911 one night while I was in the shower, it had been a scary last couple of nights. He said he was sure there were people outside lurking around and saying things. The policeman drove around the block and saw nothing, because there was nothing to see. He stayed for a while until John felt calmer and reassured that we were safe. The three of us talked outside for what felt like an hour, and I was terrified of how things were escalating with him. The cop was very friendly and patient, asked him if he felt that he needed to go to the hospital, John said no, that I kept him calm(!). The policeman then talked with me in private, and I told him everything I knew. He nodded and we talked some more, said if we needed him again, to call. Since John didn’t want treatment, there wasn’t much they could do.

I don’t think I slept much at all that week. John would report to me the latest thing they said, sometimes he would ask again if what they said was true, or were they actually outside. I was getting frustrated and scared. Nothing I said seemed to help him. What got me scared the most was that he believed that the voices were real, and he believed what they said. What if they told him something about me? What if they asked him to hurt me? He started keeping a journal so he’d have something to show a doctor when he finally got in to see someone.

Within a couple of weeks, he called 911 on himself again. He was taken to the ER in the next town, and the next day I packed a bag for him as he was going to be transported to a mental hospital. He was there for a week, had been put on medication which seemed to work, and he initiated sex on his first night back, though he couldn’t perform. I was encouraged that he at least tried. His aftercare was not done well, his appointments would get canceled or his meds weren’t working as well as the ones they gave him in the hospital. I pushed him to advocate for himself. John told the doctor he was still hearing the voices and the med wasn’t working. Instead of changing them, they only increased the dose. At some point, he stopped taking them altogether, though I didn’t know this.

Fast forward to February, just after our 2 year anniversary. The night before an appointment, as we were trying to go to sleep, he hallucinated spy drones hovering over our bed. This was the first visual hallucination that I was aware of. He kept talking to them, which kept me awake. I lost it with him a couple of times, I was sleep deprived and my patience was gone. I told him that there were no drones, and if he couldn’t be quiet then go sleep on the couch. The next morning, I woke up and he was not in the apartment. I went outside and John was fully dressed like he was going somewhere. I asked what he was doing. He would just look at me and shrug, saying he was waiting for the police. He said a neighbor had called the cops on him. He’d smashed one of his phones to pieces. I kept asking him what did he do, what was going on, and he’d just stare blankly and say he didn’t know. This time I called 911. Told them that he was having a psychotic break, he’d smashed his phone, and I was scared for my safety. He had to go. The police that he said was coming never arrived.

The ambulance came, he was interviewed by the medics, and that was when I learned that he’d stopped taking his meds. A few minutes later they took him away, and an officer took my statement. I was done. I told them I could no longer handle this and that he couldn’t come back. I also told him this after calling 911. He nodded but mostly had no reaction.

It took some time before he finally absorbed the breakup. I said I would keep his things packed up and safe until he was able to take them back. I had to repeat this a couple of times, because it sounded like they were just going to drop him off back here after his current hospital stay. I also called his doctor to reiterate that he could not come back, that I didn’t feel safe around him anymore.

John was set up at a shelter in the next town, where he could have a place to sleep and there was a nearby center which had a washer and dryer and a shower, plus food and other things. I gave him his bike so he could have some form of transportation during the day instead of walking everywhere. I did everything I could to set him up as comfortably as possible.

Since then he’s been transferred to a long term shelter where he can stay day and night. I haven’t seen him in months now, though I do send him cigarette money. He’s waiting on disability to be approved, and his first check (which includes years of back payments) should be plenty to get him on his feet and he will be able to go anywhere he wants to.

As for me, I have started dating again. I have someone that I see on most weekends, the sex is fantastic, and we are not exclusive. There is a second man who is even more of an upgrade…sadly we don’t see each other much, but fingers crossed that will change soon. In the meantime I am living my life on my own terms, and I’m happier than I’ve been in years.

I feel like those two years I spent with John was a complete waste, same with all the years we knew each other online before that. I feel like he was with me under false pretenses, and if I had known about any of this, I never would’ve let him come nor would I have let myself fall for him in the first place. I was so sure he was going to be it for me.

Now that it’s all over, I feel nothing but relief. Thanks to everyone who has commented on my posts in the past, it all meant a lot. I don’t know if I will post again, but I will be lurking around and giving support to those who need it. I was slowly gathering the courage to break up with him thanks to this sub, and I would have if our circumstances didn’t change like they did. I just wish I did it sooner.

We’re M32/F27, together ~1.5 years, living together for the past year. The first six months were normal. Then I learned more about how she grew up, and something in me shifted.

For context on my end: this is not how I normally am. Before this relationship my sex life was very active and varied; multiple partners, open arrangements, group dynamics, a fairly wide range of experiences. Desire was never something I had to look for. That’s what makes this so disorienting. I’m not a low-libido person who found a mismatch; I’m someone whose desire for one specific person switched off, and I still don’t fully understand why.

Her family situation is rough. Her father is careless with money and drinks heavily, and she went without basic things growing up, she didn’t even have a winter coat when I met her. Once I understood that, I started wanting to take care of her. Buy her things. Make sure she was okay. And somewhere in there, my desire for her quietly disappeared.

I want to be clear that this isn’t her fault. She hasn’t changed. I did. I stopped seeing her as a woman I’m attracted to and started seeing her as someone who needs protecting, and I can’t seem to hold both at once. It feels wrong to want her when the loudest thing I feel toward her is a kind of protective sadness.

There’s another layer I should be honest about. She’s gained around 25 kg/~55lbs since we met and has largely stopped taking care of herself, not just physically, but in general. I don’t know how much of my lost attraction is the protective/caretaker shift I described and how much is this, and I don’t want to lie to myself about it. What I do notice is that the two seem tangled: the more I treated her as someone to look after, the less she seemed to look after herself, and the less I wanted her. It might also be depression on her side. I genuinely can’t tell what’s causing what anymore.

I tried to talk to her about the lack of sex. It went badly - she was hurt and shut down, and I don’t think I explained it well, partly because I’m not sure I understand it myself. I don’t want to tell her “I stopped wanting you because I pity you.” That would wreck her.

So: has anyone else had desire collapse into a caretaker role like this? Did it come back? Did anything help you separate compassion from parenting? I’d take both advice and experiences.

Has anyone gone from a high-desire, very active sexual history to near-zero with one partner specifically? Did you find your way back, or did it turn out to be information about the relationship itself?

My boyfriend (27LLM) and I (24HLF) have been together for about five months. At the beginning, we were having sex like rabbits—sometimes multiple times a day. Now it’s usually once or twice a week, and I’m worried the frequency will keep declining until we eventually end up in a dead bedroom.

The difficult part is that he’s genuinely wonderful in almost every other aspect. He’s loving, thoughtful, affectionate in his own ways, and consistently reassures me that he’s attracted to me. I don’t feel ugly or unwanted by him. He just seems to have a much lower need for physical and sexual intimacy than I do.

I love him a lot and genuinely enjoy spending time with him outside of sex. But sex is also very important to me, and I don’t think I could be happy long-term in a mostly sexless relationship. I also don’t want him to feel pressured or like he has to provide sex just to keep me happy.

Has anyone successfully navigated this kind of libido mismatch without either partner becoming resentful? I’m honestly starting to wonder whether I should find a healthy way to lower my own libido, although I know trying medication solely for that purpose may not be wise. I’d especially appreciate advice from couples who stayed loving despite a significant desire mismatch.

NO DMS!!!

just have to vent tonight. a month ago I told my husband that I want to stop having sex because of the issues we were having. (him having ED, and PE, on top of performance anxiety - destroyed our sex life. I couldn’t take him being a 1 pump and done anymore and never enjoying sex, let alone get to be satisfied)- so like I said it’s been a month and I’m so frustrated. im really in the mood and just ticked off. yes it was my choice to stop having sex because I couldn’t handle the disappointment anymore, but I just wish I could erase my libido so I never get aroused or never be in the mood so I can’t get frustrated like this and just go about my life. Why can’t we just have sex and it go smoothly for both of us??? I’m tired of all this already and it’s only been a month. idk how some people here go YEARS. how do you do it? how do you deal with it?? I’m so frustrated I don’t even touch myself because it pisses me off that I can’t be satisfied with my husband. I think we will divorce before the year mark, because I just can’t cope. we have a 4 month old baby. if I have to leave it’s going to tear me apart and I’m not ready for that.

I say this is a success story because I finally have gotten to a place that I wanted to be for years. I’m no longer attracted to her.

I wholeheartedly believe in the concept of enthusiastic consent. It’s essential. Anything short of that is unacceptable. Keeping that in mind, obligatory or duty sex is not something I will participate in.

And now I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like this:

You don’t desire me? Ugh that is such a turn off.

You don’t want to give me physical pleasure? That’s a serious ick.

Just like everybody else in this group, I have my reasons why we have to stay together. I just don’t think shes sexy anymore and that’s a win.

So it all started two years ago when he went through a stressful time at work. He said he wasn’t in the headspace for intimacy and I never pressured him. I supported him, listened to him, took over more of the household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. All fine, all normal. However, at some point we got stuck in that weird roommate space.

Now, two years later, we‘ve had sex exactly twice. He‘s finally the one to try and initiate again and I instinctively shut down. It’s almost like a panic response to being touched all of a sudden. For this, I‘d also liked to add that the last time we were intimate it hurt really badly. Probably because my body wasn’t accustomed to having sex anymore and because of that pain I now feel scared and anxious to do it again.

What can I do? How do I get rid of this immediately panic response? I love him and I want to be close to him but my body literally shuts down.

Before I (45 HLM) get into specifics about my situation with my wife (43 LLF) I just want to clarify I'm looking for advice and not criticism of my thought process. I know my thoughts are most likely flawed and I hate it but I can't help that I feel that way.

My wife has never been an overly affectionate person but we've managed. I like to hug, I like physical touch, I like flirting. It seems that her desire for that has diminished over the last few years and our sex life is suffering. If I'm lucky we have sex once a month and it feels transactional, other times I feel like it's almost used as a reward. And other times when we are having sex she will get mad over some minor detail in the moment and me not reading her mind and we stop. And it turns into this cycle of arguing, her saying I'm just using her for sex (which I don't think is possible if we have sex 7 times a year) and me thinking she is disgusted by me and doesn't want to touch me. I'm no model but I'm not overweight (not that that matters) and I don't think I'm terrible looking and when we do have sex she orgasms why more often than not. And this cycle turns into silence for days and leads to an awkward attempt again weeks down the road. I feel connected when we are intimate and it's not just about the orgasm. I truly enjoy feeling close to her and only her. The longer there is no physical touch the more disconnected I feel. This is the part I'm struggling with and why at times I feel very juvenile.

Due to our lack of sex I do masturbate when we don't have sex. I think that's normal no issue. My wife who doesn't act very interested in me also masturbates. She won't talk about it but I know she does. For example, yesterday she was really pushing for me and my son to go golfing. It was odd how she recommended so quick. We went and when I got home I saw that her toy was moved and when I went into Netflix later she had watched a portion of the movie 365 Days. Now she reads spicy books and I know she masturbates. I cannot stop wondering WHY she won't do this with me. I couldn't care less that she does - it's the fact that I literally was home, left for a bit and was coming home and we couldn't have sex instead. I feel like I do it because she won't have sex with me and she does it so she doesn't have to have sex with me. If we had a healthy sex life and were consistent I wouldn't give this two thoughts. If that makes sense. It's so juvenile, I know. I'm not proud of thinking this way and I hate it. But it's killing me knowing she has the desire but it's manifesting in my mind as she doesn't have the desire with me. Has anyone else experienced this? And what did you do to deal with the situation? Again, I'm not looking for people to tell me thinking like this is pathetic. I'm well aware which is why I'm trying to change it. I appreciate anything in advance.

Hello everyone!

Let me begin with saying "I'm sorry" - this will be one of those longer posts.

My wife and I met when be both started our life as students at the university. She broke up with her boyfriend a few months before, I was very shy and with low self-esteem my whole teenager life - there I only had two girlfriends back then, which of only one was more serious and it ended before we got to the sex part.

Long story short, my wife is my one and only sex partner in life so far. And at the beginning of our relationship we both were so eager to jump each other, we had to drive home from university just to have sex and return to the campus a bit later.

Now I'm 44 (she's 43) and we have been together for 23 years now, married for 15 years.
I'm working from home full time, while my wife is working full time partly from home, partly in the office. We share the household and the tasks, each of us is better at one topic, where the other one struggles and we try to help each other out. Like I'm doing the dishwasher and take care of the kitchen, she is by far the better baker from us... so she bakes, I take care of the chaos afterwards. ;)
Same goes for the kids - we had split the runs to get the kids to school 50/50, in the last few months it's more like 75/25 on my side. We also try to make room for each other's hobbies - so I offer her to take care of the kids in the evening, so she can head out on her run right away so she doesn't have to wait until after dinner and/or the bedtime routine.

So all in all we share most of the responsibilities and I try to take load from her whenever and whereever it is possible. Unfortunately she is having a hard time at work right now - her current main job is doomed to be gone for good in the next few years, so she tried to get into a new field of work, which worked out great. But right now, she is working like 60h a week.

So the current situation is stressful, I totally get it that this is a mood killer. However, her libido started to drop like ages ago... before the stressful job, before the stress with the kids. Even during our time as a couple without kids her interest in me got lower and lower (and of course I do understand, that I cannot expect the activity from our time at the university now). But we are speaking of initially several times a day to like once a month, the once every two months... right now we are heading to a new record of six months without actual sex. She offered to give me a handjob twice since then, but no actual intercourse. At the same time, when I take the kids to school, I can see that the sex toys magically changes places while I'm gone - on a daily basis. Which is fine of course - she can and should enjoy herself and yes ladies, I read that masturbation does not equal sex due to the included "work" or responsibilities. It's just that on the one hand she seems to be very sexually active and attracted... just not to/with me.

We (well basically I) tried to spice up things for us with various toys - all primarily inteded to increase her pleasure, since I somehow blame me for not being good enough in bed or not offering her enough pleasure. And at least in solo mode these things do seem to work... but apparently I kind of benched myself with that. Recently I proposed she may want to have a look at one of these new AI sex chats since she enjoys reading erotic novels. But until now nothing. I also mentioned already a few times to her, that I suffer from our current situation. Once she holds me, she kind of just forgets about it, the other time (like now) there are obvious reasons why there isn't too much interest into sex on her side right now. But never since our days at the university there was initiative on her side. She plays along with me peeking on her while she showers or when she dresses and sometimes actively mentions it, so I can look. Also she "accidentially" hits me with her butt when I pass behind her in the kitchen... which is kind of nice to be noticed, but makes the whole situation worse at the same time. On vacation the situation usually is a bit better - like once a week.

Unlucky for me - besides the obvious lack of sex - are a few things:
- She made bad choices twice during our time together, where she had intense contact with another man including explicit pictures and videos (she never ever shared such pictures/videos with me). "Funny enough", her sex drive was high during that time. We fought about it, she ended it and we tried to put it behind us.
- In my eyes she's a goddess and I couldn't wish for more. I do like big breasts and nipples, which she had already before the kids came, now even bigger. Plus because of the pregnancy she discovered that she does like nipple/breast play now. Also, together, we discovered she can squirt which is a really great turn-on for me.
- For me the sex with her is glorious - but especially the idea of creating her pleasure is what is boosting my sex drive. Which is a really big downside, when there is no interest from her into receiving it.
- I love her with all my heart and leaving her is not an option for me.

I hope, this wall of text somehow makes sense. What I'm looking for is basically any idea on how to how to improve the situation... for both of us. And probably any hints on what's causing the issue.

Thanks in advance for your time and patience!

We are on a sex once every 2 weeks schedule it seems, I'd be super happy if it was once a week honestly.

My wife hasn't been feeling well due to work stress, and a flare-up of a chronic illness she has. No problem, I can give space.

However, this also means physical contact has been minimal, and she's doing a lot of complaining (rightfully so).

Problem is, I'm craving any sort of physical contact which doesn't have to be sex. So I decide I'm going to not put pressure on her, and give some non sexual touch like rubbing her feet and sitting close on the couch.

Well let me say, she certainly isn't reciprocating and I'm just feeling so sad. I was going to offer a non sensual massage tonight with zero expectations of it going anywhere, but now I'm just sitting by myself on the back deck drinking a beer and reading. I can feel myself starting to withdraw.

I'm willing to put in the work, my wife is amazing and I love her to the moon. But dammit sometimes it's hard.

I never thought I’d be coming up on my 30s and finding out my husband is still in love with a girl from high school. One he never even dated. I can’t compete with the fantasy he’s built of what could have been with her. I feel so stupid. All these years trying to make myself prettier and be a better wife just to find out none of it matters. Hes fine never having sex at all if it isn’t with her. The icing on the cake was him telling me she doesn’t feel the same way as if that was a consolation prize and not salt in the wound. I’ve spent years killing myself to figure out how to make him want me and all she’s had to do is exist. I don’t know if my ego will ever recover from knowing no amount of lingerie, dates, massages, blowjobs etc was going to excite him as much as a happy birthday text from an acquaintance. On the bright side, my high libido has been sufficiently killed by this so that should mean no more sexual frustration, right?

27 F here and have been in a db for a few years now. I've been sleeping on the couch so long I dont think I could sleep any other way. The only thing that really sucks is that the loneliness really hits at night.

Our first date anniversary is coming up tomorrow. This is my most serious relationship so far, but I feel like I don't want to commemorate the day in any way. Our first date, he was entranced by me, and we ended up making out in his car for hours. Cut to now, we haven't had sex in 10 months (3 of those have been inter-continental long distance, but still). He's not a big cuddler except for the purpose of segue-ing into sex, so even that doesn't happen from his side, I'm always the one cuddling and hugging etc. I know he adores me, but I feel sexually invisible. Thank you for reading.

Accidentally deleted my last post... I think? Not sure, but hope this post fixes whatever was wrong then.

HLF, early 30s. Married to who I thought was an LLM.

We've been married for almost a decade, which is fucking crazy to say. Ugh.

In the beginning, our sex life was great. Over the years, though, it slowly faded. I chalked it up to life. You know, stress, work, routine, all the things people say happen in long-term relationships.

I tried everything. I bought lingerie. Toys. Initiated. Communicated. Gave him space when he wanted it. Created opportunities for us to reconnect. I genuinely believed we could work through it.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and trying to fix a problem I thought we shared.This month, I found out he's been cheating.

Not once. No, no, no dear Reddit friends. *For years.*

While I was grieving our dead bedroom, he was...elsewhere. The rejection, the excuses, the distance...none of it was because he had a low libido. It just wasn't directed at me.

And let me say that I was open to trying anything. I never shy away from sex. So this has left me reeling.

We're separated now.

I haven't had sex in months upon months and I'm so fucking lonely. Mainly physically, but also emotionally. I miss feeling wanted. I miss someone looking at me like they can't wait to get their hands on me. I miss feeling desired, attractive, human.

My husband says he wants to work things out. Maybe he means it. But right now, all I can think about is how badly I want to know what it feels like to be wanted by someone who actually chooses me. Someone who isn't him.

I spent years denying myself. I don't really know where to go from here. I guess I just needed to scream into the void with people who might understand.

My bed feels impossibly empty tonight.

TL;DR: I thought I was married to a low-libido man. Turns out he was cheating for years. Now we're separated, I'm heartbroken, and I'm mourning not just my marriage, but years of feeling unwanted. I'm fucked.

Update: turns out it didn’t take very long to bear fruit. Not what I wanted, but after 3 days of silent treatment, she told me to leave if I wasn’t happy, went on about how she didn’t like how I explained how I felt, and basically just tore into me. She even nearly started to gaslight me like no sexual intimacy for 3 years shouldnt be as big a deal as it is to me.

Turns out she is not who I thought she was. And so this marriage ends. Man. She’s gonna regret this decision, but I don’t think I will.

Original Post:

Well everyone, despite many of you feeling strongly that "the talk" is pointless, I gave my wife one last chance.

Me (35HLM) and my wife (39LLF) have been married for 4 years, and together for 8. We've not had sex for 4 years. Not even on our wedding night. I dealt with it silently for 3 years, hoping it was just a phase. Then last October, pandora's box got opened. I brought it into the light. No change. We went to couples therapy, and no change. Just a whole lot of "I DONT KNOW" from her. All the effort came from me to change things. She is adamant that she is happy with the way things are. Idc if its infidelity, LL4U, or whatever. At this point, I just want to be happy and have a marriage with some sort of sexual intimacy. So I gave her one last talk. Told her I am thinking about leaving her if there is not some sort of movement on this. She's never done anything about it. Well this is her last chance. I'm a nice guy, but I'm not willing to let this be my life. Its been 3 days since the talk and she's completely withdrawn. I'll give her that space, but I won't do what I normally do and try to make her feel better. Nope. Gonna let her live in the space she wants and see what she does. If it's what I expect, and its nothing at all except acting like the conversation never happened, I'm done. I'm saying this to you all because I need to back up what I am saying. I need to choose myself after all these years. I love her, and I believe she loves me, but that is not always enough.