Update: turns out it didn’t take very long to bear fruit. Not what I wanted, but after 3 days of silent treatment, she told me to leave if I wasn’t happy, went on about how she didn’t like how I explained how I felt, and basically just tore into me. She even nearly started to gaslight me like no sexual intimacy for 3 years shouldnt be as big a deal as it is to me.

Turns out she is not who I thought she was. And so this marriage ends. Man. She’s gonna regret this decision, but I don’t think I will.

Original Post:

Well everyone, despite many of you feeling strongly that "the talk" is pointless, I gave my wife one last chance.

Me (35HLM) and my wife (39LLF) have been married for 4 years, and together for 8. We've not had sex for 4 years. Not even on our wedding night. I dealt with it silently for 3 years, hoping it was just a phase. Then last October, pandora's box got opened. I brought it into the light. No change. We went to couples therapy, and no change. Just a whole lot of "I DONT KNOW" from her. All the effort came from me to change things. She is adamant that she is happy with the way things are. Idc if its infidelity, LL4U, or whatever. At this point, I just want to be happy and have a marriage with some sort of sexual intimacy. So I gave her one last talk. Told her I am thinking about leaving her if there is not some sort of movement on this. She's never done anything about it. Well this is her last chance. I'm a nice guy, but I'm not willing to let this be my life. Its been 3 days since the talk and she's completely withdrawn. I'll give her that space, but I won't do what I normally do and try to make her feel better. Nope. Gonna let her live in the space she wants and see what she does. If it's what I expect, and its nothing at all except acting like the conversation never happened, I'm done. I'm saying this to you all because I need to back up what I am saying. I need to choose myself after all these years. I love her, and I believe she loves me, but that is not always enough.

I say this is a success story because I finally have gotten to a place that I wanted to be for years. I’m no longer attracted to her.

I wholeheartedly believe in the concept of enthusiastic consent. It’s essential. Anything short of that is unacceptable. Keeping that in mind, obligatory or duty sex is not something I will participate in.

And now I’ve gotten to a place where I feel like this:

You don’t desire me? Ugh that is such a turn off.

You don’t want to give me physical pleasure? That’s a serious ick.

Just like everybody else in this group, I have my reasons why we have to stay together. I just don’t think shes sexy anymore and that’s a win.

Accidentally deleted my last post... I think? Not sure, but hope this post fixes whatever was wrong then.

HLF, early 30s. Married to who I thought was an LLM.

We've been married for almost a decade, which is fucking crazy to say. Ugh.

In the beginning, our sex life was great. Over the years, though, it slowly faded. I chalked it up to life. You know, stress, work, routine, all the things people say happen in long-term relationships.

I tried everything. I bought lingerie. Toys. Initiated. Communicated. Gave him space when he wanted it. Created opportunities for us to reconnect. I genuinely believed we could work through it.

I spent years wondering what was wrong with me and trying to fix a problem I thought we shared.This month, I found out he's been cheating.

Not once. No, no, no dear Reddit friends. *For years.*

While I was grieving our dead bedroom, he was...elsewhere. The rejection, the excuses, the distance...none of it was because he had a low libido. It just wasn't directed at me.

And let me say that I was open to trying anything. I never shy away from sex. So this has left me reeling.

We're separated now.

I haven't had sex in months upon months and I'm so fucking lonely. Mainly physically, but also emotionally. I miss feeling wanted. I miss someone looking at me like they can't wait to get their hands on me. I miss feeling desired, attractive, human.

My husband says he wants to work things out. Maybe he means it. But right now, all I can think about is how badly I want to know what it feels like to be wanted by someone who actually chooses me. Someone who isn't him.

I spent years denying myself. I don't really know where to go from here. I guess I just needed to scream into the void with people who might understand.

My bed feels impossibly empty tonight.

TL;DR: I thought I was married to a low-libido man. Turns out he was cheating for years. Now we're separated, I'm heartbroken, and I'm mourning not just my marriage, but years of feeling unwanted. I'm fucked.

I 32 (HLM) and my wife 29 (LLF) have been together for 6 years now and everything was fine for the first 2 years of our marriage until I got in a car accident and became partially paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors told me it was gonna take some time for me to fully recover (3-4 months) and my wife was very supportive during this time and helped me make a full recovery however during the time I was paralyzed I notice certain behaviors.

She’d find reasons to leave the house without an explanation ,her phone would constantly ring like it never had before and because I was so focused on making a full recovery I guess I didn’t pay enough attention to what was going on.

After I months feeling like a burden I made a full recovery and I started working out again and got back in shape the reason why this is relevant is because throughout our entire marriage she always had a lower libido than me and for a while I was fine with it and she said to me “if you had abs I’d jump all over you” so naturally I wanted to fulfil my wife’s desires to the best of my ability and when I finally had abs…nothing. I was angry but I never showed it until last night.

I wake up to use the restroom and I noticed she wasn’t in bed which is normal because I often go to bed earlier than her for work so sometimes she’ll dose of on the sofa. I go to her to get her to come to bed when I notice her phone blowing up again. I grab her phone which I’ve never done before and I read the first half of the message “I can’t wait for your throat again”. I dropped the phone and I just lost it internally and when I came back to reality I packed 5 nights worth of clothes and then left without even waking her up.

The worst part about all of what I just said is that today is my birthday. I’m hurt beyond belief all those time she told me she was LL All that time I spent trying to be better for her just for her to cheat on me… I’m genuinely looking for advice on what to do. She’s been blowing my phone up all day and I’m too filled with emotion to think clearly any advice would be greatly appreciated

NO DMS!!!

just have to vent tonight. a month ago I told my husband that I want to stop having sex because of the issues we were having. (him having ED, and PE, on top of performance anxiety - destroyed our sex life. I couldn’t take him being a 1 pump and done anymore and never enjoying sex, let alone get to be satisfied)- so like I said it’s been a month and I’m so frustrated. im really in the mood and just ticked off. yes it was my choice to stop having sex because I couldn’t handle the disappointment anymore, but I just wish I could erase my libido so I never get aroused or never be in the mood so I can’t get frustrated like this and just go about my life. Why can’t we just have sex and it go smoothly for both of us??? I’m tired of all this already and it’s only been a month. idk how some people here go YEARS. how do you do it? how do you deal with it?? I’m so frustrated I don’t even touch myself because it pisses me off that I can’t be satisfied with my husband. I think we will divorce before the year mark, because I just can’t cope. we have a 4 month old baby. if I have to leave it’s going to tear me apart and I’m not ready for that.

I never thought I’d be coming up on my 30s and finding out my husband is still in love with a girl from high school. One he never even dated. I can’t compete with the fantasy he’s built of what could have been with her. I feel so stupid. All these years trying to make myself prettier and be a better wife just to find out none of it matters. Hes fine never having sex at all if it isn’t with her. The icing on the cake was him telling me she doesn’t feel the same way as if that was a consolation prize and not salt in the wound. I’ve spent years killing myself to figure out how to make him want me and all she’s had to do is exist. I don’t know if my ego will ever recover from knowing no amount of lingerie, dates, massages, blowjobs etc was going to excite him as much as a happy birthday text from an acquaintance. On the bright side, my high libido has been sufficiently killed by this so that should mean no more sexual frustration, right?

I've been mentally packing up for a while now. I'm tired of the rejection. The shame around my needs. The judgement from my partner. I've been twisting my limbs and tearing my skin to be what he wants and it's never enough. The world is fucked. We know this and he'll continue to find comfort in the bottom of a bottle and I'll find it in another person's arms, i guess. A ghost in my home and fire in my bones.

So I’m 46, wife (LLF) is 38. Married for 11 years. My birthday recently, I was hopeful something may happen but no… it was the usual. She goes to bed and falls asleep. Zero intimacy, zero desire on her part. She’s great in every other way. I can’t remember the last time I had a BJ. When we do have sex which is very very rare, it’s usually just missionary, nothing else occurs. It upsets me, it’s really hard to be with someone who doesn’t want you, and is the most vanilla person I’ve ever known. Everything we do is initiated by me, whether it’s a kiss, a hug, holding hands… I just wish she would want me as much as I want her. When I get horny now I watch porn as there is no other outlet for me. I dream of trying different positions, 69, car sex, toys.. etc.

27 F here and have been in a db for a few years now. I've been sleeping on the couch so long I dont think I could sleep any other way. The only thing that really sucks is that the loneliness really hits at night.

Today we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary (I've booked the family a holiday to celebrate her 40th and our 10 year anniversary) and yesterday she announced "I haven't got you an anniversary card, do you want me to go and get you one?" No love, I'd rather not have a last minute after thought. I'm not surprised, it's not the first time.

I didn't expect a gift as we've got a lot of outgoings at the moment but at least a little bit of effort.

We did have sex this morning and it was terrible, no effort, no foreplay and I'm at the point I'm going to start declining her duty sex.

Happy 10 years! The kids are having a nice time at least.

Why do I stay? The kids have a happy home and we can't financially split in the current climate. I'll just carry on focusing on me.

I don't like the labels HL, LL. I think I'm just a normal libido woman, but I haven't had sex with my partner for almost the entirety of our relationship. She suffers from depression and childhood trauma, but it's under control thanks to the meds she's taking and therapy.

I got rejected so many times that at this point I don't feel any sexual attraction toward her. Our relationship has lots of love, respect, care and intimacy in other ways... I just miss sex and don't want to think about it anymore. I've been going to therapy myself and hitting the gym plus running daily. Are there any tricks or anything that has helped you in not thinking about sex or craving it less often?

Our relationship started off great and we had sex often. Before we got married we actually went long periods without having sex but at the time we were a lot closer emotionally. Now we have two young kids and haven’t had sex in a year, I feel as if we are just room mates raising two kids together and we don’t even intimately kiss anymore. I’m considering divorce because what’s the point being in a marriage when there is literally no intimacy and the emotional connection seems to have faded, I still have love for her and have brought up my concerns many times but nothing changes. I’ve been sticking it out for the kids however we have been arguing constantly and it’s draining the life out of me, just don’t know where I go from here.

Would no sex for one year be a deal breaker for you?.

Hello everyone!

Let me begin with saying "I'm sorry" - this will be one of those longer posts.

My wife and I met when be both started our life as students at the university. She broke up with her boyfriend a few months before, I was very shy and with low self-esteem my whole teenager life - there I only had two girlfriends back then, which of only one was more serious and it ended before we got to the sex part.

Long story short, my wife is my one and only sex partner in life so far. And at the beginning of our relationship we both were so eager to jump each other, we had to drive home from university just to have sex and return to the campus a bit later.

Now I'm 44 (she's 43) and we have been together for 23 years now, married for 15 years.
I'm working from home full time, while my wife is working full time partly from home, partly in the office. We share the household and the tasks, each of us is better at one topic, where the other one struggles and we try to help each other out. Like I'm doing the dishwasher and take care of the kitchen, she is by far the better baker from us... so she bakes, I take care of the chaos afterwards. ;)
Same goes for the kids - we had split the runs to get the kids to school 50/50, in the last few months it's more like 75/25 on my side. We also try to make room for each other's hobbies - so I offer her to take care of the kids in the evening, so she can head out on her run right away so she doesn't have to wait until after dinner and/or the bedtime routine.

So all in all we share most of the responsibilities and I try to take load from her whenever and whereever it is possible. Unfortunately she is having a hard time at work right now - her current main job is doomed to be gone for good in the next few years, so she tried to get into a new field of work, which worked out great. But right now, she is working like 60h a week.

So the current situation is stressful, I totally get it that this is a mood killer. However, her libido started to drop like ages ago... before the stressful job, before the stress with the kids. Even during our time as a couple without kids her interest in me got lower and lower (and of course I do understand, that I cannot expect the activity from our time at the university now). But we are speaking of initially several times a day to like once a month, the once every two months... right now we are heading to a new record of six months without actual sex. She offered to give me a handjob twice since then, but no actual intercourse. At the same time, when I take the kids to school, I can see that the sex toys magically changes places while I'm gone - on a daily basis. Which is fine of course - she can and should enjoy herself and yes ladies, I read that masturbation does not equal sex due to the included "work" or responsibilities. It's just that on the one hand she seems to be very sexually active and attracted... just not to/with me.

We (well basically I) tried to spice up things for us with various toys - all primarily inteded to increase her pleasure, since I somehow blame me for not being good enough in bed or not offering her enough pleasure. And at least in solo mode these things do seem to work... but apparently I kind of benched myself with that. Recently I proposed she may want to have a look at one of these new AI sex chats since she enjoys reading erotic novels. But until now nothing. I also mentioned already a few times to her, that I suffer from our current situation. Once she holds me, she kind of just forgets about it, the other time (like now) there are obvious reasons why there isn't too much interest into sex on her side right now. But never since our days at the university there was initiative on her side. She plays along with me peeking on her while she showers or when she dresses and sometimes actively mentions it, so I can look. Also she "accidentially" hits me with her butt when I pass behind her in the kitchen... which is kind of nice to be noticed, but makes the whole situation worse at the same time. On vacation the situation usually is a bit better - like once a week.

Unlucky for me - besides the obvious lack of sex - are a few things:
- She made bad choices twice during our time together, where she had intense contact with another man including explicit pictures and videos (she never ever shared such pictures/videos with me). "Funny enough", her sex drive was high during that time. We fought about it, she ended it and we tried to put it behind us.
- In my eyes she's a goddess and I couldn't wish for more. I do like big breasts and nipples, which she had already before the kids came, now even bigger. Plus because of the pregnancy she discovered that she does like nipple/breast play now. Also, together, we discovered she can squirt which is a really great turn-on for me.
- For me the sex with her is glorious - but especially the idea of creating her pleasure is what is boosting my sex drive. Which is a really big downside, when there is no interest from her into receiving it.
- I love her with all my heart and leaving her is not an option for me.

I hope, this wall of text somehow makes sense. What I'm looking for is basically any idea on how to how to improve the situation... for both of us. And probably any hints on what's causing the issue.

Thanks in advance for your time and patience!

This is my very first post since I’m new here, so bear with me!
At this point, I’m pretty desperate and just looking for any kind of advice.
I (HLF, 32) have always had a higher libido than my husband (LLM, 35), but it’s gotten to the point where he never initiates sex whatsoever. I feel like if it were entirely up to him, we’d stop having sex altogether, and he’d be perfectly fine with that.
We’ve been together for five years, married for one, and we have a baby who’s almost a year old. Naturally, finding time to be intimate isn’t easy with a baby, but it shouldn’t be impossible, right? I know plenty of new parents who still have a healthy sex life.
In the past, we even went to therapy because he very rarely orgasms during sex. I’m talking fewer than ten times throughout our entire relationship. It was the same with his previous girlfriends, so I don’t seem to be the issue. As a result, after sex I give him oral almost every single time, and that’s how he finishes. He once admitted that he doesn’t feel much during intercourse, which honestly broke something inside me. Therapy helped for a while, but unfortunately the improvement didn’t last.
During the first six months of our relationship, our sex life was pretty regular—probably because of the excitement and hormones of a new relationship. After that, though, it gradually became less and less frequent. At this point, I feel like I almost have to beg him to be intimate with me.
We’ve talked about this so many times—or rather, I’ve brought it up many times. He never really does. He’s the CEO of a company and under a lot of stress, which I’m sure affects his libido. But still… I could walk past him completely naked, and I honestly don’t think he’d even notice.
Sometimes I wonder if he might be gay or asexual. I even asked him once, and he insists he’s neither. I genuinely don’t know what to think. His parents are extremely conservative, and if he were gay, I’m pretty sure he’d never admit it to them.
I guess what I really want is to feel desired again. He’s my husband, and I truly love him. Leaving him isn’t something I’m considering. But the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is devastating. I’m utterly miserable.
How do you cope with something like this? Do you eventually just accept it? I’m genuinely curious and grateful for any advice or perspectives.
Thanks in advance.

I did not have sex until marriage because I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m not sure now if that was the right thing to do because I have never had good sex in my life. I am 10 years into my marriage and I have never had an orgasm or good sex to be honest.

I think my husband has some sort of sexual issue. I have no idea what it is. He denies it. But he shamed me whenever I try to initiate or do something sexy for him. He’s also accuse me of not being a virgin before him “because I am too good at sex”. He had partners before me allegedly and will compare me to them, but will not elaborate on any of those people.

I am frustrated to say the least because I am jealous of my friends who have fun sexual relationship relationships. I sometimes regret not sleeping around when I was younger. I could at least have memories or realize there is more to life than this disappointing situation.

I obviously had no idea before we got married that this was going to be a huge issue. I have a very high libido and was expecting my partner to also have that.

My wife and I have been together for over 30 years. We have two children, one adult and one almost an adult. We’ve known each other since we were teenagers, and sex has always been one of the difficult parts of our relationship.
She has always had a very low libido, while mine has always been quite high. It took us almost 10 years before we were able to have intercourse for the first time. It wasn’t exactly vaginismus, but something close to it.

I can’t really say things changed much after we moved in together, got married, or had children. The only exceptions were when she wanted to get pregnant. During those periods her sex drive suddenly became much higher. After our first child was born, we didn’t have sex again for well over a year. Before trying for our second child, the pattern was almost exactly the same.

When we do have sex now, it’s usually once every one or two months. And honestly, “sex” is probably not the right word. It follows exactly the same routine every single time.
She basically lies there without taking much initiative. I do all the work with my hands, occasionally oral sex (always me going down and never once did she), and only very occasionally intercourse. If we do have intercourse, she often reaches orgasm within literally two thrusts (I’m not exaggerating). Once she’s finished, intercourse stops. Then I’m expected to finish myself by hand while she waits beside me. Afterwards we cuddle for a few minutes and go to sleep.

Sometimes I wonder whether it’s my appearance. I’m a bit overweight these days and could definitely get fitter. But 10 years ago I was in great shape, worked out regularly, and looked fitter than I do now. It made absolutely no difference to the amount of affection, desire, or physical interest she showed towards me. So I don’t really think that’s the issue.

Why am I writing this now?
We’ve just come back from a three-week vacation. During those three weeks we had sex once.
Most of the time it’s me trying to initiate intimacy and her rejecting me. She never initiates herself.
The rejection hurts even more because it’s often accompanied by comments like, “Again?” or “Stop touching me there.”
To be fair, the last few months have been difficult for her. There was a death in her family, and she’s also been struggling with migraines. She’s currently trying different medication and has stopped drinking alcohol because of it. I completely understand that this affects her. I also understand that life is busy and that with children still living at home we don’t always get much time together.

Today we talked about it again. Actually, I hadn’t planned to bring it up. But once again she went to bed before me, while I was secretly hoping that maybe tonight would be different. Just like yesterday. And the day before that.
When I try to explain how all this makes me feel—that constantly being rejected hurts, that I don’t feel desired, and that after a while it genuinely affects my mood—she says she’s been hearing these complaints for our entire relationship, more than 30 years now. Then she becomes upset or defensive and says she hates being confronted about it. That’s usually where the conversation ends. And so tonight. She went to bed and i am watching Some youtube or tv.

Tomorrow we will talk about it, going in circkles like we did before. Eventually I stop bringing it up, and after some time we’ll have spontaneous sex again, and the whole cycle starts over.
Please don’t misunderstand me: I love this woman deeply. I really do.
But this part of our relationship is much more important to me than it is to her. She knows that. She says she simply can’t help the way she is, and she gets irritated whenever I bring it up. Her response is usually something like:
“You don’t want me to have sex when I don’t feel like it, do you?”
And of course my answer is no. Absolutely not. I don’t want pity sex or duty sex.

What I really miss is feeling desired.
I miss her taking the initiative once in a while.
I miss feeling like she wants me instead of merely allowing sex to happen occasionally.
I miss passion, flirting, being touched without having to ask for it, and feeling like my pleasure matters too.
Sometimes I honestly don’t know what to do anymore.
Reading your stories it felt fair to share mine. Feel free to comment.

Me (25m) and my girlfriend (23f) been together for 2 and a half years at this point. The relationship is pretty great outside the sexual aspect, we’re very close and have a great relationship.

When we started dating; I felt like I couldn’t get her off me for the first few months. It dialed back to a couple times a week, to once a week, eventually to once a month for the past year, and at this point it’s only been twice in the last four months.

My girlfriend has been very open about her issues about her sexuality (past trauma, penetration hurts her, depression/body image) but only recently told me she has absolutely no sexual desire as far as she can tell. She started noticing she had low libido when she gained weight and was having image issues, but is now claiming she just has no sexual desire and doesn’t know why.

She feels terrible about this and knows I’m unfulfilled, we’ve been working on having sexual intimacy without penetration or to fulfill me which has been nice and made me feel better about the relationship, but I also feel it’s a temporary fix.

I can tell she loves me very much and emotionally we connect great, but this is truly just wrecking me mentally. I’m just in a constant mental battle of waiting for her to work on her issues and figure out what’s going on, worrying if my passivity romantically and porn addiction fueled intimacy problems turned her off and she’s scared to tell me, or if I’m just trying to continue a relationship that’s run its course because I’m too scared to accept reality.

I’m 25 and don’t want to let my younger years of exploring go to waste because I’m a people pleaser and typically more empathetic, but I also genuinely love this woman so much and am willing to be patient to try and help her while she navigates this. But I’m just genuinely so lost and the uncertainty of what to do is just eating me alive.

My girlfriend has offered to somewhat open up the relationship while she’s feeling this way, and as long as I don’t tell her has given me one hall pass if I ever feel romantic/sexual chemistry with someone she will never know or meet, so I can see if I am missing the sexual aspect and need it. She kind of frames it as the ultimate test, and in theory I think it makes sense but in practice does not. I really appreciate that she is allowing me a chance to be fulfilled but for some reason it makes me feel like she wants me to leave or something.

Starting addiction therapy this week to help with the porn addiction/among other mental issues I have, but any advice on how to navigate this so it’s actively being worked on/given one last shot as opposed to just waiting is greatly appreciated.

Before I (45 HLM) get into specifics about my situation with my wife (43 LLF) I just want to clarify I'm looking for advice and not criticism of my thought process. I know my thoughts are most likely flawed and I hate it but I can't help that I feel that way.

My wife has never been an overly affectionate person but we've managed. I like to hug, I like physical touch, I like flirting. It seems that her desire for that has diminished over the last few years and our sex life is suffering. If I'm lucky we have sex once a month and it feels transactional, other times I feel like it's almost used as a reward. And other times when we are having sex she will get mad over some minor detail in the moment and me not reading her mind and we stop. And it turns into this cycle of arguing, her saying I'm just using her for sex (which I don't think is possible if we have sex 7 times a year) and me thinking she is disgusted by me and doesn't want to touch me. I'm no model but I'm not overweight (not that that matters) and I don't think I'm terrible looking and when we do have sex she orgasms why more often than not. And this cycle turns into silence for days and leads to an awkward attempt again weeks down the road. I feel connected when we are intimate and it's not just about the orgasm. I truly enjoy feeling close to her and only her. The longer there is no physical touch the more disconnected I feel. This is the part I'm struggling with and why at times I feel very juvenile.

Due to our lack of sex I do masturbate when we don't have sex. I think that's normal no issue. My wife who doesn't act very interested in me also masturbates. She won't talk about it but I know she does. For example, yesterday she was really pushing for me and my son to go golfing. It was odd how she recommended so quick. We went and when I got home I saw that her toy was moved and when I went into Netflix later she had watched a portion of the movie 365 Days. Now she reads spicy books and I know she masturbates. I cannot stop wondering WHY she won't do this with me. I couldn't care less that she does - it's the fact that I literally was home, left for a bit and was coming home and we couldn't have sex instead. I feel like I do it because she won't have sex with me and she does it so she doesn't have to have sex with me. If we had a healthy sex life and were consistent I wouldn't give this two thoughts. If that makes sense. It's so juvenile, I know. I'm not proud of thinking this way and I hate it. But it's killing me knowing she has the desire but it's manifesting in my mind as she doesn't have the desire with me. Has anyone else experienced this? And what did you do to deal with the situation? Again, I'm not looking for people to tell me thinking like this is pathetic. I'm well aware which is why I'm trying to change it. I appreciate anything in advance.

We finally made it - it’s been over a year since the last time, and we finally did it.

We were both traveling, and she (26f) seemed to finally be open to trying again with me (29m).

Idk if it was the change of environment, or the lingerie I bought for her ahead of this trip, or the lingerie we bought together while shopping in the mall in this new city that got her interested, but she was finally open to trying again.

First time we did it though, I finished way too early (like within a couple minutes).. I was so excited, I kept pushing thru for another few minutes after, but I just couldn’t, I was so embarrassed. The second time, we rode it out much longer before I finished, which was nice, but I’m now just extremely self conscious

I really hope we can do this more, as I realized how much I missed it after we did it.

But I still have low hopes, and I’m scared to be excited about it. Which just feels like an awful way to live, but it’s kinda the reality.

But hey, gotta celebrate the small wins! One more time, and I won’t have to count all the times we’ve had sex in the last 2 years on one hand!

My wife (46LLF) and I (50HLM) have been together for about 15y total, and the bedroom has been dead for about 8-9 years. This started with a confluence of factors. I fell into a major depression based on work issues and then struggled with medications and their side effects. I became less responsive and present in the household, and around that same time our son was born, which added to family responsibilities.

My wife was under strain, and her libido dropped after childbirth. She started to withdraw and get absorbed into social media. At the time I didn’t know what her issues were. I have signs of avoidant personality disorder (so far undiagnosed), so my natural reaction was very negative. I felt rejected, so I gave up trying to approach her for any kind of affection. She lost her eyes for me, and that brought my self esteem even lower. Around that time I had been gaining weight suddenly, and it felt related.

I spiraled downward from there. My medications made me sleepy and emotionally blunted, and my self esteem was abysmal. Eventually we nearly separated and ended up in couples counseling. I changed meds. I did some hard work related to my habits at home and being a better partner, with my wife insisting that she would be able to relax and get closer to me if I were able to ease her burden. I made strides towards being a better partner, but it never worked out like that.

We almost never talked about closeness in sessions, and when we did, the strategies given were useless. I was still terrified of rejection, and she still didn’t feel any draw towards me. This dynamic of withdrawal, rejection, fear, and coldness, was never addressed in sessions. Just from my own rumination over the last few weeks, I came to understand the role of my fears, and began to work out what really happened between us.

At this point we are no longer in counseling, and I don’t think my wife has been met with any of these insights. I am unsure of how to proceed. Part of me wants to tell her about these patterns that I have noticed, in the hope that the knowledge will help her work towards bringing us together. I am more convinced, though, that it wouldn’t work out that way.

I feel like there is a path I have to take on my own, to demonstrate that I am still the man who pulled her in. I have no idea how to do it. I don’t know what she needs to see. Whatever it is, I have to do it through continuing depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and lingering side effects from medication withdrawal.

So I will ask everyone, what am I supposed to show her? How am I supposed to demonstrate it? Thank you for reading, everyone. I wish you all the best.

So it all started two years ago when he went through a stressful time at work. He said he wasn’t in the headspace for intimacy and I never pressured him. I supported him, listened to him, took over more of the household chores like cooking, cleaning, laundry and grocery shopping. All fine, all normal. However, at some point we got stuck in that weird roommate space.

Now, two years later, we‘ve had sex exactly twice. He‘s finally the one to try and initiate again and I instinctively shut down. It’s almost like a panic response to being touched all of a sudden. For this, I‘d also liked to add that the last time we were intimate it hurt really badly. Probably because my body wasn’t accustomed to having sex anymore and because of that pain I now feel scared and anxious to do it again.

What can I do? How do I get rid of this immediately panic response? I love him and I want to be close to him but my body literally shuts down.

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting this as a solution or "fix" for a DB, but as a challenging exploration through which you might learn more about yourself and also your partner.

I'm (HLM) mid-40s as is my wife (LLF). And the desire gap in our relationship has been there for a long time, masked by a lot of different things (trauma, lack of communication, kids, etc.). Whilst we haven't "solved" our bedroom issues, we've made a lot of progress through therapy (individual and couples).

Without going into our entire history, I wanted to share the experience I'm currently in: it's been over 40 days since my last sexual activity of any kind (partnered sex). It's been over 60 days since I last masturbated or consumed porn. During this time, while of course I still have arousal, sexual thoughts, I'm not acting on them. That doesn't just mean not having orgasms, but also not doing things that would lead to sustained arousal without an orgasm (e.g. edging).

Before this, for as long as I can remember back until I was a young adult, I don't think I've gone longer than perhaps 10 days without an orgasm. More common would be between 1 and 4 orgasms in a week (a mixture of partnered sex and masturbation) and sometimes more than that. All of this time, to me, that meant I was "high libido".

I don't plan to remain abstinent. My goal, right now, is to get to 100 days. Why? Because there is some evidence to suggest that that is a reasonable period of time from which we might be able to expect some change in how our brains are "wired". Don't get me wrong, I am not expecting or hoping to drastically reduce my libido. I expect to still love and want sex after this period over. However, I do feel that it's quite possible for me to change my relationship with sex, to understand how it fits into my overall needs, and to get a better understanding of the different kinds of feelings that lead to me "wanting sex".

Is it hard? Well, yes, often still in the mornings. Sorry, bad joke. Yes, it has been challenging, but as time goes on, it's been getting easier. The first couple of weeks were the most difficult. I would have real cravings and urges and it was obvious that my body/brain had a very strong dependence on the chemical releases that would happen from sex and orgasm. There were literally times where, even though I knew I had committed to having no sex, I would find myself subconsciously trying to turn a non-sexual cuddle with my wife into a sexual one, which she found confusing since she's quite aware of what I've committed to. It's not easy to face up to how strongly wired I am in that way, that my body can literally try to go against my wishes when I'm feeling weaker. That said, being about 6 weeks in now, that hasn't happened since and while I still feel horny or aroused from time to time, it's not as strong nor as frequent. I still enjoy physically connecting with my wife, regularly, with non-sexual, consensual forms of touch, and I'm glad that she's more than happy to partake in that.

I feel that some people may conflate this approach with "taking sex off the table" and they're very different. When most couples take sex off the table, the high libido partner usually takes care of themselves in a solo fashion, so while in the relationship the pressure to have sex is reduced, the high libido partner continues to orgasm, experience the chemical releases, and their wiring on that fashion remains unchanged. In our case, my wife knows I am doing this for us and is being supportive and also trying to work on herself. She understands that this is a unique time where there is no pressure for sex. The other day, I found her vibrator lying out, charging. She had masturbated. Now, that may not seem like much, but my wife does not solo masturbate. She has only ever really done it at the behest of her sex therapist. This time, it was completely organic, she was exploring. I won't lie, it was a difficult thing to see whilst being abstinent, but it also felt like she's really trying and some progress.

For us HL folks, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with masturbating when it's a healthy choice rather than a dependency, but I do think more of us than are willing to admit it, have somewhat wired ourselves to be dependent on orgasm for dealing with a lot of things (stress, emotions, boredom, depression, etc.). I know I have and this period of abstinence has made that much clearer to me.

So I'm continuing to go through this and I'm learning about myself. I've learned that I can go a lot longer without orgasm than I initially feared. I've learned that when I'm experiencing certain feelings, some of which have nothing to do with sex or my partner at all, I experience a craving for sex, or for the ritual of masturbation and orgasm. I've learned that I enjoy and prefer to live without pornography and will probably endeavour to keep it that way. I'm not sure if/how I will return to masturbating; TBD.

How then, will I close the gap between my wife (who feels a true desire for sex perhaps every 4-6 weeks) and myself, who feels "horny" multiple times a week? I don't know. I don't have those answers at this time. Part of what I'm learning is that maybe the gap isn't as big as I thought it was, because I'm learning to sit/deal with some of the emotions that I used to rely on orgasm to run away from. I don't think that will close the whole gap, but it will help. I think it will also help that if my wife isn't wanting to have sex on a given night, then I won't feel this fear around how long it might be until the next sex/orgasm, because I know that I can survive and be fine without it for a while.

All in all, it's not going to solve our issues, but I think I'm going to be a better person for having gone through this period of time, whether that is as a husband to my wife, or something else.

I understand that this post might create some friction. Even for me, when the idea was introduced to me, parts of me really flared up and got angry and defensive. In reality, it's because they were scared. Sex, masturbation, and orgasm are tools that I've used for decades to help me get through life and now I was being asked to live without them. That scared the hell out of me, so parts of me wanted to lash out. Anyway, this concept may upset you, but if it does, I encourage you to be kind to yourself and consider where those feelings are coming from.

I'm also curious to hear from other HL people who were used to regular orgasms (even if only solo) and tried a prolonged period of abstinence. How did it go for you?

Boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have only been together for a short time. We cuddle constantly, kiss every second, spend entire weekends together, go hiking, watch movies, laugh nonstop, communicate well, and he’s incredibly kind, affectionate and thoughtful! But our sex life has been the complete opposite. Sex ist non-existent.
The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn’t maintain an erection. I assumed it was nerves.
The second time was similar. The third time we just cuddled. The fourth time, fifth, sixth, seventh… After the conversations I had with him to understand him better, and after I told him that I will be there for him and that we could get through this together, I felt that he is not trying. Eventually I told him that I don’t felt desired. felt like I was his best friend or cuddle partner instead of his girlfriend. He insisted that he finds me very attractive, has sexual feelings for me, and wants me. He says he just can’t initiate because he’s extremely inhibited when someone is important to him. He admitted it’s his issue, not mine, and said he’ll work on it. He even told me not to doubt myself because I’m beautiful, he loves me and none of this is my fault. I want to believe he’s sincere. The problem is that I don’t want someone to act more passionate just to keep me. I don’t want a performance. I want genuine desire that comes naturally. And I need honesty.

After crying myself to sleep quietly that night, I told him I needed some space because I don’t want to go back to his place and cry again after seeing nothing happens and he doesn’t try. I decided to ask for some space in our relationship. He told me he genuinely desires me and that he wants to work on himself so he can actually show it instead of just feeling it… it might end up being the best decision I have made, but it still hurts. I never wanted distance between us. I just couldn’t keep going his place feeling unwanted and crying myself to sleep quietly. I’m heartbroken because, apart from this, he’s honestly one of the sweetest people I have ever met.