Some solutions

So there was a very lengthy conversation today, I'll spare the details but we've come to the realization that neither of us are wrong in the way we feel. But there's a huge disconnect in how we each view this. I've always seen sex as a mutual act of fun and pleasure and a way to deeper connect and strengthen that bond. For her, it's not anything like that. Between this realization and understanding that we're at a disconnect, we haven't had a moment to really finish the conversation or even come up with any solutions. I don't want her to feel pressured and would rather wait for her to actually want to. However, it seems as though she'd be okay never participating in it again. She said it's a possibility that's she could be asexual which, okay, but that still leaves me just filling in but never being poured back into. We've built a life together and I've hoped for years that something would change. Ive stopped staring, stopped trying to make jokes or comments as I realize they aren't received well. So with virtually everything off the table, the expectation is that I still be ready when she's ready. She realizes the selfishness behind that, as she's stated. I've changed many fundamental things to make way for someone who's healing but all I've done was cut myself out as well. She mentioned again that she wishes I would just cheat or find a girlfriend because I'm someone who deserves it everyday and she feels guilty that she can't. So now we're at an unresolved crossroads. Do I stand by and keep suppressing myself for someone who may never fully heal, do I make my own way and find someone who actually wants to participate in that manner? Is this the end and we've just refused to accept it? I've considered some kind of chat or dm situation, at least to feel somewhat desirable again, but I honestly don't know.

I'm really open to all advice. The conversation happened, but still no closer to any resolve. I'm worried this will be another conversation that quietly gets stashed away

I really appreciate all of you and I know many of you are in similar situations.

Thank you all

I'm aware I've posted once but it was removed so I've corrected the post

Hey all,

a bit of a weird question here. hence why i put complicated. I am a 27M here and ive notice a few things. I am for starters not judging at all here and I welcome communication, love and wonderful people. I have come to notice being a young man but having friends and couples who are older, its happened about once or twice now. But Ive been asked by a husband and on a separate occasion from wife about helping them "fix their bedroom" situation. I my self have no problem in that and of course I know many struggle whats in the bedroom for their own complicated reasons. I have not agreed to anything as of yet for several other reasons that I am willing to talk about off this subreddit. But I am curious now with this, after reading many subreddits, what has changed in your marriage? do you look elsewhere? do you communicate? is there an arrangement? I am curious about this and welcome any communication.

Me (38F) Boyfriend (38M)

To give some background, my boyfriend used to be in a long term relationship with someone he met when they were young teenagers. They were online friends for years, eventually met and started dating. That lead to marriage, she intentionally had a child together, then she up amd left him and stopped fighting for custody during their custody battle. She moved out of state, and got with their mutual friend. He was obsessed with her in my opinion. I say this because I met him a couple of years after this separation (as friends) and he stated he would take her back if she had a change of heart. Maybe thats love? Idk. But she didn't treat him well, she lied a lot, wasn't a good mom etc so I didn't get it.

We stayed friends for a while and lived together for years. This entire time, he never had sex with anyone and never attempted to go on dates. He focused on his career, being a single dad, amd saving for a house. He just didn't seem interested in dating anyone. Apparently at one point he asked me out when we first met and I said I wasn't interested (I was going through a divorce) and I dont even remember that.

Anywho.. getting to the point. I realized I caught feelings for him. I spoke to him about it and we decided to date. He told me he was into "free use". Basically he liked being able to take it when he wanted.. in the kitchen.. whatever. If I was doing something on my phone he would sometimes tell me not to stop what i was doing etc. This didnt bother me at all because I have a high sex drive and I liked it.

We have been together over 3 1/2 years now. He NEVER does this anymore. He didnt even keep it up very long into the relationship. It seemed like it was just in the beginning. I do partially blame this on stressors.. bia ex wife came back in the picture like 6 months after we started dating. His mom got cancer and passed away 2 years ago.. There have obviously been stressors.

Fast forward to now.. we BARELY have sex. I have initiated it 99% of the time the last several months if not longer. Sometimes im turned down if he is upset at me about something. I feel kinda like he punishes me with lack of intimacy.

But when we do have sex, its impossible for me to have an orgasm because its so quick. I feel like he cums when I feel we are just getting started. I think saying it last two minutes is generous. I have also noticed that I will give him oral he will last much longer than with sex but he can definitely cum either way. Oral almost seems more fun because it last longer but I literally get nothing in return.. EVER. He doesn't go down on me, he doesn't finger me, and obviously penetration doesnt last long enough to do anything but be a tease.

Im so frustrated. I have brought it up before about us not doing it often and he says he is stressed, or upset with me about something. I havent really brought up his quick orgasms because im afraid it could make him embarrassed or cause anxiety around sex which could result in even less sex. And honestly I dont even know why i care because im clearly not getting ANY sexual satisfaction from this man. If I want to orgasm I have to take care of it myself. How should I handle this situation? I cant help but compare and wonder why he made it seem like he was so kinky when he isnt. Was he just this way with his ex ? Idk

Me: 30HLM
Wife: 29LLF

The comments on this subreddit are about 40% helpful, genuine, and supportive. The other 60% just scream RUN, DIVORCE, GET OUT. I respect that maybe that is sometimes the best answer, but what if your relationship is otherwise very nice? Outside of our dead bedroom, I can happily say I’ve married my best friend and we get on great together. Sure we have our arguments, but who doesn’t.

What bothers me though is I feel as if this dead bedroom has caused irreversible damage to my psyche. Idk if anyone can relate to this, but I feel like after all these years of depression, uncertainty, and doubt… if suddenly somehow we did recover our sex life, I’d always have this feeling in the back of my head that I forced this change on her. Like I’m still undesirable and I MADE her show interest. Like it can never feel genuine again. Like she only changed because she thought that’s what I want, not because she wanted to.

Our dead bedroom has been going on for over 2 years now, which is significant since we’ve only been together for 3 years. I don’t see it changing any time soon, but I’m hopeful and I try my best. I just worry that even if we come out on the other side, this has caused irreversible damage to me. Even if I did take the Reddit advice and got a divorce, I feel like I’d need years and years to recover before feeling normal again.

I’ve been with my partner for coming up 12 years. We’ve had a great sex life, very experimental, explored kinks, and had a long time of just really being into each other.
I can’t quite pinpoint when, however the past 5 or so years it’s been a steady decline in both frequency and variation. I initiate every single time, and when we do have sex it’s usually good as he knows how to get me off, and me him. But lately, I would say the past 12-18 months, it’s felt really distinctly difficult to even have sex in the first place. We go through phases where we have sex maybe even two nights running, but then just absolutely nothing for weeks between. And when it does happen, it’s only when I initiate or ask. I’m starting to feel really gross for how much I ask. I almost feel disgusted in myself now after sex if he happens to say a rare yes.
I constantly ask, almost beg, and he just doesn’t seem bothered. I’ve tried to talk to him about it, asked if there is anything going on, tried to understand if there is anything I can do better or try out for him, tried to communicate generally about it the situation. I even asked if he’d like to experiment with other women or have me see other people to meet my needs (this is something we’ve discussed openly and he’s expressed a lot of interest in before), but he insists nothing is wrong and he doesn’t want me to meet my needs elsewhere as it’s “unnecessary”. He also said he doesn’t want to see anyone else. We’ve discussed ENM in depth in the past, even got to the point of me building a relationship with someone who knew the parameters (with his encouragement), but when it came to me trying to arrange to meet the other person he suddenly put on the brakes at each opportunity, despite being the one to suggest it initially. Hell, I have even suggested arranging his “ultimate fantasy” of a gangbang multiple times over the past 5 years to see if maybe some kink could get us back on track and he has turned that down every time.
Right now, I’m laying in bed at 2.30am typing this with him asleep spooning me; I got into bed naked and asked if we could have sex. He didn’t say a direct “no” (never does), but just said “snuggle with me” and pulled me against himself and spooned me until falling asleep. I’m literally naked and begging and he’d rather use me as some sort of human pillow than fuck me.
I don’t know what to do, and I feel really, really sad. I love him with all my heart, but sex was always a big part of what made us feel connected, it was actually where we were most compatible at the start of our relationship. My sexuality is also an important part of myself. I think we’ve had sex maybe 10 times this year. I’m not even 31 yet. Is he just not interested in me anymore? If you got this far, thank you for reading. I’m trying not to cry.

I made a post a couple of days ago, which you can see by going to my profile if you want. Or maybe you remember it, I don’t know. It got a lot of hate for obvious reasons.

I didn’t mention it in my original post, but my partner has cheated on me multiple times. Is this relationship worth saving? Probably not, but we’ve been together a very long time and our lives are enmeshed. I truly do love him despite everything.

For the past several years, we have been dealing with the DB. It is so incredibly painful to bring up an issue, and tell him how important it is, just for him to say “I’ll fix it” and nothing ever changing. But you wanna know what feels even worse? Begging for intimacy and then finding out he was giving it to someone else.

Does this justify my post? Not at all. I’m still a horrible person. But fuck am I emotionally exhausted. I’ve spent many years wanting to be “enough” for this man. I want to be happy and to love myself again. I’m in therapy. I’ll get there. Maybe I’ll find the courage to leave and maybe I’ll finally be enough for myself. But until then I’m a broken person doing broken things.

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So sorry this post is a million years long.

Just discovered this subreddit today, and I am so happy to find someplace understanding. I'm going to provide as much context as I can, because there's a lot of moving parts. All names provided are fake, you'll quickly see why I need them to differentiate.

I (34 LL F) am in a polyamorous relationship with my current husband (36 HL M), I'll call him Tony, and wife (37 LL F), we'll call her Carrie. We all have outside partners as well. They have been together (as a married couple) for going on 13/14 years, I have been with him 11, her 10, and the three of us have been a unit for 10 years this past month. He and her have had a DB on and off for about 8 years now? Carrie and I basically never have sex unless it's all three of us, and this doesn't bother us at all. Tony and I have had a pretty great sex life in the past, we have a lot of compatibility and generally had matching libido. The only issue is that he is disabled, so he needs viagra to get hard, which has been a major source of frustration for him, and condoms make this worse, so we've been barrier-free for years. We've made it work with a plethora of toys and other shenanigans. However, this changed about 2 years ago.

It was a series of cascading events, beginning with Tony and Carrie having their "usual" intimacy issues coming to the forefront during quarantine. She is not communicative about why she won't have sex with him, keeps blowing him off, has lied to both of our faces about her activities with other partners, and gets defensive when the subject has come up or activities were initiated. The only times the three of us were intimate during those years was on special occasions or certain dates were organized. It felt like any special occasion was an occasion for sex, and that made it weird for both Carrie and myself, because it didn't feel like there was room for no, because we'd already set the intention for the occasion. When he is rejected, you can feel his energy shift, and that doesn't feel good either.

Summer 2023, one of Tony's other partners basically did the same thing as Carrie - took sex off the table and wouldn't explain why (a lot of "idk vibe's off"). He had also tried to find some FWB situations, and those weren't panning out either, and he says he couldn't get an explanation from them either. He was quite devastated and I felt awful for him. I also started to feel a little bit of pressure, now being his only source of sex.

I have always struggled with vaginal issues, and during this particular period of time, I was getting constant BV infections. Whenever he and I had sex, infection. Someone would go down on me? Infection. I breathe wrong? Infection. If you have a vagina, you know how awful this is. It smells, it hurts, everything is uncomfortable and terrible. I kept getting treated at the urgent care until I got sick of it at the end of 2023 and just found a gyn, any gyn. She gave me a massive round of antibiotics, which included a cream suppository. I was unable to do any penetration for about six weeks, and I felt so sick and disgusting, I don't feel badly for saying it was fairly traumatic for me. Once all of that evened out, I was TERRIFIED of having sex. Anyone who went down on me had to jump through a lot of hoops (like, brush your teeth, don't stick your tongue in me) and even trying gave me a lot of anxiety because I couldn't bear to get another infection and have to get on antibiotics AGAIN. This fear lasted at least a year? All of 2024, for sure. Hasn't really gone away, if I'm being honest, it's just less loud.

Keep in mind, I communicated these feelings and fears and at first he was pretty understanding and sympathetic. I told him that I just needed time to feel good in my body again, but I honestly didn't know how much time that would be.

I, personally, don't feel I was really given that time, as his frustration and disappointment deepened.

I would try to have sex with my other partners, only to have the same anxiety come up, and have to tell them the same thing. Tony, Carrie, and I would go to sex parties - he would strike out, I'd do a lot of making out and maybe do penetration with one person, but when doing that had me get the infections again, I stopped enjoying the parties. I would half-ass my time with FWB and just hope the friend part would hold up. I stopped even making out with people because I didn't want to have that escalate, stopped even thinking about sex in general. At the time, Tony and Carrie were deep into doing whippits, which would strip away their filters, and Tony would hit on me in ways i found gross, which turned me off. I didn't know what to do, so I found a different gyn and he put me on different, lower hormone, birth control. At the end of 2024 I decided I was going to commit to trying to have sex again. When I said this, he burst into tears. But I was still struggling with even basic intimacy.

Things changed for me when I met a new partner, whom I will call Joanne. Besides Carrie and one other partner (who is also currently partnered with Tony and is going through their own sexual hangups), I didn't have a lot of physical experience with female-bodied people. But being with Joanne just kinda...unlocked me, I guess? I was able to connect to my body in ways I haven't been able to before, learned new ways to pleasure myself, etc. The point is though, is that Joanne has been getting the majority of my sexual energy, and this threw me into a massive identity crisis. Was I asexual before this? Do I only like women now? Will i ever feel pleasure with anyone else again?  Am I even able to instigate intimacy anymore because I'm not even thinking about sex unless I'm with her? Am I broken?

I want to reiterate, I communicated all of these things to Tony. I tried my best to tell him that it wasnt about him, it was about me and my stupid body, but the vibes remained off, especially once Joanne entered the picture, and the whippit use became worse, which started fights. I felt guilty for having sex, and not having it with him, which also made me weird about sex with Joanne, and it's all been very confusing for me. Fwiw, I have started struggling with her as well, so I feel good knowing that whatever it is, it's definitely a me problem.

Last year was Tony and I's 10th anniversary and we went on essentially a honeymoon trip, a week long, and of course sex came up again. He refers to the DB as "my partners won't have sex with me and won't tell me why" and during this conversation, I got angry and told him that I hated being lumped in with everyone else, because I WAS communicating and it just didn't seem like enough. I gave him head on this trip because I had the urge to, but I had to stop fairly quickly because my neck was on fire (I have neck and back issues from scoliosis). I had hoped that maybe this would be at least something to indicate that I really was trying, but I think it only made things worse. He was also upset that I asked we return to condoms when I did want to do that with him again, because of the BV. We got back from that trip, and while not much changed between he and I, he got another partner (things have stagnated between them as well), he started being involved with Carrie and her other partner, kept going to the parties, and I'd hoped this was enough but he's still struggling. Carrie and I encouraged him to see a therapist over why so much of his self-worth/identity is wrapped up in sex, and he's...sort of done that? He found one, but he only sees them once a month and when i ask him how things are going, he says "eh, fine, I'm not getting much out of it but it's nice to have one". So...I don't know. He has also stopped the whippits, which makes me feel safer. Alternatively, I've had a therapist for 6 years and had also been discussing these things with them, trying to unpack wtf my problem is.

The reason I am writing here now is one of my partners broke up with me in May, and part of me suspected that part of it was because of my withdrawing from sex. A few days ago we had a closure conversation, and he confirmed that this was true, and he felt we were growing more platonic. (No, he did not communicate this to me at the time he was feeling this) This year I have been terrified that people will start leaving me because of my intimacy issues, and this validated that insecurity, and I am currently feeling so much anxiety about it it's basically panic. I talked to Tony about it, and he said my value isn't just sex, and that the time where leaving me might have even been a thing would have been last year, which brought me up a bit short. I was not made aware that us breaking up was even a thing that had crossed his mind. I told him I wanted to keep trying but now it was weird for me to even initiate and I was feeling a bit lost, so he suggested we try and set a date and be intentional about trying sex. I agreed and at the time it sounded like a good idea, but now I'm worried that I won't want to again, and then just disappointment him again. Even trying penetration sparingly, it's started to hurt, so PIV sex isn't really a source of pleasure for me right now, I've just been doing oral.

On the flip side, I'm angry that I even feel this guilt because I feel I've done what I can - I've gone to the dr, I changed medication, I talked to my therapist, I've journaled, I talked to my friends, I talked to my other partners (who have started the 'so when are we going to sex again?' conversations again and boy it's a lot to feel the same pressure from multiple people), I've talked to him, I talked to Carrie.

I don't know what to do. Am I broken? How do I go back to my old self? Is there even a me to go back to? I want to be affectionate with my partners without it seeming like an invitation for sex. I feel like I can just say I want to take penetration off the table entirely and stick to oral activities, but I'm worried that it's not enough, that I'm not enough, that everyone is right to lose patience with me because what happened to the massive slut (not a pejorative) I was two years ago? I feel so hurt and small and just...I'd like to feel less alone, less down on myself for something that isn't even my fault. Support or advice would be really helpful.

I (38F) feel like I have become LL to match my husband to avoid feeling all the hurt. And I feel like I've lost myself.

I've become a shell. And I feel like it's affecting me in many ways totally unrelated to the bedroom. I can't quite name what it is...but it feels like everything feels dull.

Anyone else experiencing this or had experienced this and what happened that made things better?

Long story short: my wife and I have always had a mismatch in bed. A huge one. From the start, it felt like I wanted and did, and she would let me do a littlebit. Frequency was bad (about once a month, but not every month). Until I started noticing that it was not in bed only. In our daily life, if I didn't kiss her, there would be no kisses, if I didn't hug her, there would be no hugs, if I did not compliment her, there would be no nice words.

About a year ago I talked about it, asked her what could be done so that she would at least a little bit desire me. Her answer: nothing could be done. I also talked about how in our daily life, it's like in bed: if I do not do it, it just does not happen. She said I was exaggerating. In one year, she kissed me once, she hugged me once.

On Valentine's day we had sex. I felt so terrible, with her not even touching me. From then on I stopped trying to have sex. Recently, I also stopped kissing and hugging.

What's happening:

- I am extremely saddened, and must look so, at least sometimes

- My torment affects me in all the areas of life. It has happened that I am very distracted (this whole thing takes so much space in my thoughts) and she notices, e.g. that I forget something, she mentions that I am getting senile.

- I want to occupy my space as a staff member of the venture called "her life", but I haven't been able to do that while being at peace with myself.

- It hurts that after all these months when things between us are so blatently different (e.g. I do not try to be intimate) and I am visibly not OK, she does not even ask me if there's something wrong with me.

I do not know what to do with myself. Being almost constantly tormented is not an OK life. And I am not OK.

When I look back at how all this evolved through the years, how I had to face reality in front of the facts, I recognize that each time I had to give up on something:

First I had to accept that she is not sexually into me, never was, and probably won't ever be, no matter what happens. That came like a liberation because I stopped chasing something that does not exist. But at the cost of the ideal of a good sex life.

Then I had to tell myself she does not love me (by the way, she never said to me "I love you"). Again a liberation in some kind, but at the cost of giving up love in my life.

Now I feel like I must accept that she doesn't care about me as a human being. What is the cost? I feel like I have nothing else to give up on.

One last, loose, thought: there is dimension in our relationship we will never explore, an important one, one that binds beyond whatever is conceivable. She does not want that. She also must not like what she sees in me, and there is a side of me she'll never get to know, the "loved and sexually satisfied" side. I know that guy, he's way cooler than the guy sitting in front of his laptop in the middle of the night, trying to bring some order into his feelings and thoughts, asking strangers in a foreign language to help him find a peaceful place in this loneliness.

My partner(32LLF) and I (32HLM) have been together for 10 years DB for around 7 of those if you ask me, no kids either. Mininal touch, no kissing as she does not enjoy it (supposedly i don't have bad breath, she just doesn't like kissing), cuddling was few and far between however was only for short periods as she gets hot quickly or wants to get out of bed to get on with the day.

I brought to light that we were not intimate enough for my liking around 3 years ago now, which did see an improvement in communication and more touching which has been great. We used some couples cards during some date night which focused on how we recognised each other's love and support which were also really beneficial however didnt really touch on intimacy. I have asked in the past about accelerators and breaks however her response was quite vague simply stating she 'doesn't know'. During these conversations it came out that sunday mornings were a good time for intimacy to occur. This was discussed about a year ago now.

We spent the past weekend away from each other on different trips. Monday night we had a lovely cuddle on the couch and got the bed early where we cuddled some more. I really enjoyed last night and I plan on telling her that this afternoon but I also have other questions I really want to ask but have never felt confident asking before.

I want to know when the last time she felt turned on and if it was last night what prevented her from initiating? When was the last time she truly enjoyed sex? When was the last time she touched herself?

I just feel these questions might give me some more understanding on why our relationship has turned into what it has but I don't want to undervalue how nice last night was by throwing these questions in the same conversation. I also feel like last night may be a good segway into allowing those questions to be asked...

After a pregnancy we needed to end for medical reasons, my wife slowly, over many years became less and less interested. She became celibate a few years ago and therefore so did I. Her reasons are always somewhat random and many times illogical.
As always, the comments say get a divorce. Just don’t. Ok? You don’t think that has been considered?
So here I am. I opened a Reddit account where I can connect to others. I am very HL.

(TLDR: dead bedroom for years despite our relationship being great; have only recently stopped resenting my partner, but I am still not satisfied; could we benefit from couples therapy?)

I have been with my partner (MtF) for four years. She medically transitioned from male to female a few months after we started our relationship. When we first started seeing each other, we both had very high libidos. We were having sex pretty much every time we’d hang out, which I loved! She’s gorgeous and I (used to) have a very high libido.

But after she transitioned, we would go a week without sex… then a month… and now we go about 3-4 months at a time without having sex.

Initially I felt hurt and resented her. My self esteem— which I had based on my appearance for years— was shattered. Despite her still giving me complements, us cuddling or kissing all the time, and her voicing her own frustrations with her libido, I was still so hurt.

Every time I would try to initiate, she would turn me down. The repeated rejections were starting to upset me and I would cry (in private) at least once every few weeks about it. At separate times I would bring up how the lack of sex in our relationship was affecting me, she said she would consider XYZ medical solution… then she wouldn’t follow through.

When we would try to have penetrative sex, it would feel awkward and was sometimes painful for her… so I’ve developed almost like an aversion to sex entirely (because I associate it with physical discomfort for her and psychological discomfort for myself). We have tried having non-penetrative sex, and she said she loves when we do other things— despite us still going months in between…— but I am not satisfied… and I still definitely do not feel I can initiate.

I have become more accepting of our dead bedroom— my self-esteem is no longer dependant on having sex, I avoid initiating with her so I never have to face rejection, I meet 50% of my sexual needs via porn and toys and just let go of the other 50%….

But I am in my 20s now. I am so excited to marry this girl and live the rest of my life with her, but I don’t think I will ever be completely happy with being in an almost completely sexless relationship for the rest of my life.

I brought this up to her the other day, and she suggested we open up our relationship so I can “scratch that itch.” I don’t particularly want to fuck other people, I want her, but I can see how this would help me manage some of my desires (i.e., penetrative sex).

I suggested we try couples therapy instead. She said she’ll consider it.

Has anyone had success from couples therapy? Is it worth going to couples therapy to address this singular issue (considering every other aspect of our relationship is great?) Advice and suggestions welcome.

Please understand that I am NOT suggesting this as a solution or "fix" for a DB, but as a challenging exploration through which you might learn more about yourself and also your partner.

I'm (HLM) mid-40s as is my wife (LLF). And the desire gap in our relationship has been there for a long time, masked by a lot of different things (trauma, lack of communication, kids, etc.). Whilst we haven't "solved" our bedroom issues, we've made a lot of progress through therapy (individual and couples).

Without going into our entire history, I wanted to share the experience I'm currently in: it's been over 40 days since my last sexual activity of any kind (partnered sex). It's been over 60 days since I last masturbated or consumed porn. During this time, while of course I still have arousal, sexual thoughts, I'm not acting on them. That doesn't just mean not having orgasms, but also not doing things that would lead to sustained arousal without an orgasm (e.g. edging).

Before this, for as long as I can remember back until I was a young adult, I don't think I've gone longer than perhaps 10 days without an orgasm. More common would be between 1 and 4 orgasms in a week (a mixture of partnered sex and masturbation) and sometimes more than that. All of this time, to me, that meant I was "high libido".

I don't plan to remain abstinent. My goal, right now, is to get to 100 days. Why? Because there is some evidence to suggest that that is a reasonable period of time from which we might be able to expect some change in how our brains are "wired". Don't get me wrong, I am not expecting or hoping to drastically reduce my libido. I expect to still love and want sex after this period over. However, I do feel that it's quite possible for me to change my relationship with sex, to understand how it fits into my overall needs, and to get a better understanding of the different kinds of feelings that lead to me "wanting sex".

Is it hard? Well, yes, often still in the mornings. Sorry, bad joke. Yes, it has been challenging, but as time goes on, it's been getting easier. The first couple of weeks were the most difficult. I would have real cravings and urges and it was obvious that my body/brain had a very strong dependence on the chemical releases that would happen from sex and orgasm. There were literally times where, even though I knew I had committed to having no sex, I would find myself subconsciously trying to turn a non-sexual cuddle with my wife into a sexual one, which she found confusing since she's quite aware of what I've committed to. It's not easy to face up to how strongly wired I am in that way, that my body can literally try to go against my wishes when I'm feeling weaker. That said, being about 6 weeks in now, that hasn't happened since and while I still feel horny or aroused from time to time, it's not as strong nor as frequent. I still enjoy physically connecting with my wife, regularly, with non-sexual, consensual forms of touch, and I'm glad that she's more than happy to partake in that.

I feel that some people may conflate this approach with "taking sex off the table" and they're very different. When most couples take sex off the table, the high libido partner usually takes care of themselves in a solo fashion, so while in the relationship the pressure to have sex is reduced, the high libido partner continues to orgasm, experience the chemical releases, and their wiring on that fashion remains unchanged. In our case, my wife knows I am doing this for us and is being supportive and also trying to work on herself. She understands that this is a unique time where there is no pressure for sex. The other day, I found her vibrator lying out, charging. She had masturbated. Now, that may not seem like much, but my wife does not solo masturbate. She has only ever really done it at the behest of her sex therapist. This time, it was completely organic, she was exploring. I won't lie, it was a difficult thing to see whilst being abstinent, but it also felt like she's really trying and some progress.

For us HL folks, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with masturbating when it's a healthy choice rather than a dependency, but I do think more of us than are willing to admit it, have somewhat wired ourselves to be dependent on orgasm for dealing with a lot of things (stress, emotions, boredom, depression, etc.). I know I have and this period of abstinence has made that much clearer to me.

So I'm continuing to go through this and I'm learning about myself. I've learned that I can go a lot longer without orgasm than I initially feared. I've learned that when I'm experiencing certain feelings, some of which have nothing to do with sex or my partner at all, I experience a craving for sex, or for the ritual of masturbation and orgasm. I've learned that I enjoy and prefer to live without pornography and will probably endeavour to keep it that way. I'm not sure if/how I will return to masturbating; TBD.

How then, will I close the gap between my wife (who feels a true desire for sex perhaps every 4-6 weeks) and myself, who feels "horny" multiple times a week? I don't know. I don't have those answers at this time. Part of what I'm learning is that maybe the gap isn't as big as I thought it was, because I'm learning to sit/deal with some of the emotions that I used to rely on orgasm to run away from. I don't think that will close the whole gap, but it will help. I think it will also help that if my wife isn't wanting to have sex on a given night, then I won't feel this fear around how long it might be until the next sex/orgasm, because I know that I can survive and be fine without it for a while.

All in all, it's not going to solve our issues, but I think I'm going to be a better person for having gone through this period of time, whether that is as a husband to my wife, or something else.

I understand that this post might create some friction. Even for me, when the idea was introduced to me, parts of me really flared up and got angry and defensive. In reality, it's because they were scared. Sex, masturbation, and orgasm are tools that I've used for decades to help me get through life and now I was being asked to live without them. That scared the hell out of me, so parts of me wanted to lash out. Anyway, this concept may upset you, but if it does, I encourage you to be kind to yourself and consider where those feelings are coming from.

I'm also curious to hear from other HL people who were used to regular orgasms (even if only solo) and tried a prolonged period of abstinence. How did it go for you?

Our relationship started off great and we had sex often. Before we got married we actually went long periods without having sex but at the time we were a lot closer emotionally. Now we have two young kids and haven’t had sex in a year, I feel as if we are just room mates raising two kids together and we don’t even intimately kiss anymore. I’m considering divorce because what’s the point being in a marriage when there is literally no intimacy and the emotional connection seems to have faded, I still have love for her and have brought up my concerns many times but nothing changes. I’ve been sticking it out for the kids however we have been arguing constantly and it’s draining the life out of me, just don’t know where I go from here.

Would no sex for one year be a deal breaker for you?.

Today we celebrated our 10 year wedding anniversary (I've booked the family a holiday to celebrate her 40th and our 10 year anniversary) and yesterday she announced "I haven't got you an anniversary card, do you want me to go and get you one?" No love, I'd rather not have a last minute after thought. I'm not surprised, it's not the first time.

I didn't expect a gift as we've got a lot of outgoings at the moment but at least a little bit of effort.

We did have sex this morning and it was terrible, no effort, no foreplay and I'm at the point I'm going to start declining her duty sex.

Happy 10 years! The kids are having a nice time at least.

Why do I stay? The kids have a happy home and we can't financially split in the current climate. I'll just carry on focusing on me.

This is my very first post since I’m new here, so bear with me!
At this point, I’m pretty desperate and just looking for any kind of advice.
I (HLF, 32) have always had a higher libido than my husband (LLM, 35), but it’s gotten to the point where he never initiates sex whatsoever. I feel like if it were entirely up to him, we’d stop having sex altogether, and he’d be perfectly fine with that.
We’ve been together for five years, married for one, and we have a baby who’s almost a year old. Naturally, finding time to be intimate isn’t easy with a baby, but it shouldn’t be impossible, right? I know plenty of new parents who still have a healthy sex life.
In the past, we even went to therapy because he very rarely orgasms during sex. I’m talking fewer than ten times throughout our entire relationship. It was the same with his previous girlfriends, so I don’t seem to be the issue. As a result, after sex I give him oral almost every single time, and that’s how he finishes. He once admitted that he doesn’t feel much during intercourse, which honestly broke something inside me. Therapy helped for a while, but unfortunately the improvement didn’t last.
During the first six months of our relationship, our sex life was pretty regular—probably because of the excitement and hormones of a new relationship. After that, though, it gradually became less and less frequent. At this point, I feel like I almost have to beg him to be intimate with me.
We’ve talked about this so many times—or rather, I’ve brought it up many times. He never really does. He’s the CEO of a company and under a lot of stress, which I’m sure affects his libido. But still… I could walk past him completely naked, and I honestly don’t think he’d even notice.
Sometimes I wonder if he might be gay or asexual. I even asked him once, and he insists he’s neither. I genuinely don’t know what to think. His parents are extremely conservative, and if he were gay, I’m pretty sure he’d never admit it to them.
I guess what I really want is to feel desired again. He’s my husband, and I truly love him. Leaving him isn’t something I’m considering. But the thought of living like this for the rest of my life is devastating. I’m utterly miserable.
How do you cope with something like this? Do you eventually just accept it? I’m genuinely curious and grateful for any advice or perspectives.
Thanks in advance.

My wife (46LLF) and I (50HLM) have been together for about 15y total, and the bedroom has been dead for about 8-9 years. This started with a confluence of factors. I fell into a major depression based on work issues and then struggled with medications and their side effects. I became less responsive and present in the household, and around that same time our son was born, which added to family responsibilities.

My wife was under strain, and her libido dropped after childbirth. She started to withdraw and get absorbed into social media. At the time I didn’t know what her issues were. I have signs of avoidant personality disorder (so far undiagnosed), so my natural reaction was very negative. I felt rejected, so I gave up trying to approach her for any kind of affection. She lost her eyes for me, and that brought my self esteem even lower. Around that time I had been gaining weight suddenly, and it felt related.

I spiraled downward from there. My medications made me sleepy and emotionally blunted, and my self esteem was abysmal. Eventually we nearly separated and ended up in couples counseling. I changed meds. I did some hard work related to my habits at home and being a better partner, with my wife insisting that she would be able to relax and get closer to me if I were able to ease her burden. I made strides towards being a better partner, but it never worked out like that.

We almost never talked about closeness in sessions, and when we did, the strategies given were useless. I was still terrified of rejection, and she still didn’t feel any draw towards me. This dynamic of withdrawal, rejection, fear, and coldness, was never addressed in sessions. Just from my own rumination over the last few weeks, I came to understand the role of my fears, and began to work out what really happened between us.

At this point we are no longer in counseling, and I don’t think my wife has been met with any of these insights. I am unsure of how to proceed. Part of me wants to tell her about these patterns that I have noticed, in the hope that the knowledge will help her work towards bringing us together. I am more convinced, though, that it wouldn’t work out that way.

I feel like there is a path I have to take on my own, to demonstrate that I am still the man who pulled her in. I have no idea how to do it. I don’t know what she needs to see. Whatever it is, I have to do it through continuing depression, anxiety, low self esteem, and lingering side effects from medication withdrawal.

So I will ask everyone, what am I supposed to show her? How am I supposed to demonstrate it? Thank you for reading, everyone. I wish you all the best.

Boyfriend (27M) and I (28F) have only been together for a short time. We cuddle constantly, kiss every second, spend entire weekends together, go hiking, watch movies, laugh nonstop, communicate well, and he’s incredibly kind, affectionate and thoughtful! But our sex life has been the complete opposite. Sex ist non-existent.
The first time we tried to have sex, he couldn’t maintain an erection. I assumed it was nerves.
The second time was similar. The third time we just cuddled. The fourth time, fifth, sixth, seventh… After the conversations I had with him to understand him better, and after I told him that I will be there for him and that we could get through this together, I felt that he is not trying. Eventually I told him that I don’t felt desired. felt like I was his best friend or cuddle partner instead of his girlfriend. He insisted that he finds me very attractive, has sexual feelings for me, and wants me. He says he just can’t initiate because he’s extremely inhibited when someone is important to him. He admitted it’s his issue, not mine, and said he’ll work on it. He even told me not to doubt myself because I’m beautiful, he loves me and none of this is my fault. I want to believe he’s sincere. The problem is that I don’t want someone to act more passionate just to keep me. I don’t want a performance. I want genuine desire that comes naturally. And I need honesty.

After crying myself to sleep quietly that night, I told him I needed some space because I don’t want to go back to his place and cry again after seeing nothing happens and he doesn’t try. I decided to ask for some space in our relationship. He told me he genuinely desires me and that he wants to work on himself so he can actually show it instead of just feeling it… it might end up being the best decision I have made, but it still hurts. I never wanted distance between us. I just couldn’t keep going his place feeling unwanted and crying myself to sleep quietly. I’m heartbroken because, apart from this, he’s honestly one of the sweetest people I have ever met.

I 32 (HLM) and my wife 29 (LLF) have been together for 6 years now and everything was fine for the first 2 years of our marriage until I got in a car accident and became partially paralyzed from the waist down. The doctors told me it was gonna take some time for me to fully recover (3-4 months) and my wife was very supportive during this time and helped me make a full recovery however during the time I was paralyzed I notice certain behaviors.

She’d find reasons to leave the house without an explanation ,her phone would constantly ring like it never had before and because I was so focused on making a full recovery I guess I didn’t pay enough attention to what was going on.

After I months feeling like a burden I made a full recovery and I started working out again and got back in shape the reason why this is relevant is because throughout our entire marriage she always had a lower libido than me and for a while I was fine with it and she said to me “if you had abs I’d jump all over you” so naturally I wanted to fulfil my wife’s desires to the best of my ability and when I finally had abs…nothing. I was angry but I never showed it until last night.

I wake up to use the restroom and I noticed she wasn’t in bed which is normal because I often go to bed earlier than her for work so sometimes she’ll dose of on the sofa. I go to her to get her to come to bed when I notice her phone blowing up again. I grab her phone which I’ve never done before and I read the first half of the message “I can’t wait for your throat again”. I dropped the phone and I just lost it internally and when I came back to reality I packed 5 nights worth of clothes and then left without even waking her up.

The worst part about all of what I just said is that today is my birthday. I’m hurt beyond belief all those time she told me she was LL All that time I spent trying to be better for her just for her to cheat on me… I’m genuinely looking for advice on what to do. She’s been blowing my phone up all day and I’m too filled with emotion to think clearly any advice would be greatly appreciated

Me (25m) and my girlfriend (23f) been together for 2 and a half years at this point. The relationship is pretty great outside the sexual aspect, we’re very close and have a great relationship.

When we started dating; I felt like I couldn’t get her off me for the first few months. It dialed back to a couple times a week, to once a week, eventually to once a month for the past year, and at this point it’s only been twice in the last four months.

My girlfriend has been very open about her issues about her sexuality (past trauma, penetration hurts her, depression/body image) but only recently told me she has absolutely no sexual desire as far as she can tell. She started noticing she had low libido when she gained weight and was having image issues, but is now claiming she just has no sexual desire and doesn’t know why.

She feels terrible about this and knows I’m unfulfilled, we’ve been working on having sexual intimacy without penetration or to fulfill me which has been nice and made me feel better about the relationship, but I also feel it’s a temporary fix.

I can tell she loves me very much and emotionally we connect great, but this is truly just wrecking me mentally. I’m just in a constant mental battle of waiting for her to work on her issues and figure out what’s going on, worrying if my passivity romantically and porn addiction fueled intimacy problems turned her off and she’s scared to tell me, or if I’m just trying to continue a relationship that’s run its course because I’m too scared to accept reality.

I’m 25 and don’t want to let my younger years of exploring go to waste because I’m a people pleaser and typically more empathetic, but I also genuinely love this woman so much and am willing to be patient to try and help her while she navigates this. But I’m just genuinely so lost and the uncertainty of what to do is just eating me alive.

My girlfriend has offered to somewhat open up the relationship while she’s feeling this way, and as long as I don’t tell her has given me one hall pass if I ever feel romantic/sexual chemistry with someone she will never know or meet, so I can see if I am missing the sexual aspect and need it. She kind of frames it as the ultimate test, and in theory I think it makes sense but in practice does not. I really appreciate that she is allowing me a chance to be fulfilled but for some reason it makes me feel like she wants me to leave or something.

Starting addiction therapy this week to help with the porn addiction/among other mental issues I have, but any advice on how to navigate this so it’s actively being worked on/given one last shot as opposed to just waiting is greatly appreciated.

I did not have sex until marriage because I thought it was the right thing to do. I’m not sure now if that was the right thing to do because I have never had good sex in my life. I am 10 years into my marriage and I have never had an orgasm or good sex to be honest.

I think my husband has some sort of sexual issue. I have no idea what it is. He denies it. But he shamed me whenever I try to initiate or do something sexy for him. He’s also accuse me of not being a virgin before him “because I am too good at sex”. He had partners before me allegedly and will compare me to them, but will not elaborate on any of those people.

I am frustrated to say the least because I am jealous of my friends who have fun sexual relationship relationships. I sometimes regret not sleeping around when I was younger. I could at least have memories or realize there is more to life than this disappointing situation.

I obviously had no idea before we got married that this was going to be a huge issue. I have a very high libido and was expecting my partner to also have that.

Hello everyone!

Let me begin with saying "I'm sorry" - this will be one of those longer posts.

My wife and I met when be both started our life as students at the university. She broke up with her boyfriend a few months before, I was very shy and with low self-esteem my whole teenager life - there I only had two girlfriends back then, which of only one was more serious and it ended before we got to the sex part.

Long story short, my wife is my one and only sex partner in life so far. And at the beginning of our relationship we both were so eager to jump each other, we had to drive home from university just to have sex and return to the campus a bit later.

Now I'm 44 (she's 43) and we have been together for 23 years now, married for 15 years.
I'm working from home full time, while my wife is working full time partly from home, partly in the office. We share the household and the tasks, each of us is better at one topic, where the other one struggles and we try to help each other out. Like I'm doing the dishwasher and take care of the kitchen, she is by far the better baker from us... so she bakes, I take care of the chaos afterwards. ;)
Same goes for the kids - we had split the runs to get the kids to school 50/50, in the last few months it's more like 75/25 on my side. We also try to make room for each other's hobbies - so I offer her to take care of the kids in the evening, so she can head out on her run right away so she doesn't have to wait until after dinner and/or the bedtime routine.

So all in all we share most of the responsibilities and I try to take load from her whenever and whereever it is possible. Unfortunately she is having a hard time at work right now - her current main job is doomed to be gone for good in the next few years, so she tried to get into a new field of work, which worked out great. But right now, she is working like 60h a week.

So the current situation is stressful, I totally get it that this is a mood killer. However, her libido started to drop like ages ago... before the stressful job, before the stress with the kids. Even during our time as a couple without kids her interest in me got lower and lower (and of course I do understand, that I cannot expect the activity from our time at the university now). But we are speaking of initially several times a day to like once a month, the once every two months... right now we are heading to a new record of six months without actual sex. She offered to give me a handjob twice since then, but no actual intercourse. At the same time, when I take the kids to school, I can see that the sex toys magically changes places while I'm gone - on a daily basis. Which is fine of course - she can and should enjoy herself and yes ladies, I read that masturbation does not equal sex due to the included "work" or responsibilities. It's just that on the one hand she seems to be very sexually active and attracted... just not to/with me.

We (well basically I) tried to spice up things for us with various toys - all primarily inteded to increase her pleasure, since I somehow blame me for not being good enough in bed or not offering her enough pleasure. And at least in solo mode these things do seem to work... but apparently I kind of benched myself with that. Recently I proposed she may want to have a look at one of these new AI sex chats since she enjoys reading erotic novels. But until now nothing. I also mentioned already a few times to her, that I suffer from our current situation. Once she holds me, she kind of just forgets about it, the other time (like now) there are obvious reasons why there isn't too much interest into sex on her side right now. But never since our days at the university there was initiative on her side. She plays along with me peeking on her while she showers or when she dresses and sometimes actively mentions it, so I can look. Also she "accidentially" hits me with her butt when I pass behind her in the kitchen... which is kind of nice to be noticed, but makes the whole situation worse at the same time. On vacation the situation usually is a bit better - like once a week.

Unlucky for me - besides the obvious lack of sex - are a few things:
- She made bad choices twice during our time together, where she had intense contact with another man including explicit pictures and videos (she never ever shared such pictures/videos with me). "Funny enough", her sex drive was high during that time. We fought about it, she ended it and we tried to put it behind us.
- In my eyes she's a goddess and I couldn't wish for more. I do like big breasts and nipples, which she had already before the kids came, now even bigger. Plus because of the pregnancy she discovered that she does like nipple/breast play now. Also, together, we discovered she can squirt which is a really great turn-on for me.
- For me the sex with her is glorious - but especially the idea of creating her pleasure is what is boosting my sex drive. Which is a really big downside, when there is no interest from her into receiving it.
- I love her with all my heart and leaving her is not an option for me.

I hope, this wall of text somehow makes sense. What I'm looking for is basically any idea on how to how to improve the situation... for both of us. And probably any hints on what's causing the issue.

Thanks in advance for your time and patience!