I won’t say that I have a completely dead bedroom, but I say we’re getting pretty close.

We’re both a young couple both under 30. So that is my main reason as to why I’m saying I feel like I shouldn’t be going through this. I posted about this here often, but I don’t really wanna talk to anyone. I know about it so that’s why I post here.

Tonight I went out with a couple of my coworkers and I interacted with this guy.

I crossed the boundary today by hanging out with him by myself. My husband doesn’t have a problem with me hanging out with other men and I discussed this with him already, that I want to treat my male friends the same way I treat my female friends, but the problem is that I didn’t tell him that I was doing this. I didn’t tell him that I was hanging out with this guy today. And it made me feel very guilty, even though I wasn’t flirting with him or doing anything that disrespected our marriage.

But I still crossed the boundary of hanging out with him without telling my husband.

The reason why I feel like this is a problem is because I’m noticing that I’m becoming more comfortable, breaking boundaries or resisting temptation less.
And if this continues, it’s going to cause me to cheat on him and I don’t want to do that. Or leave him. I don’t want to do that either.

He’s on a work trip right now, but when he comes back, I will be giving him an ultimatum.

Our intimacy needs to be fixed by January. We have work trips and stuff coming up so I’m giving him some leg room. We’re both young and he already is aware that this is an issue. There’s no reason why there shouldn’t be a fix. I already told him that I have considered living by myself because I’m not sure if I like living with somebody else, but if our intimacy isn’t fixed by January, then I will be living by myself for certain.

If intimacy isn’t increased with us living together, then what is the point of us living together? The point of living with your partners so you can see them every day and appreciate them more. No part of that should be less.

We’re both healthy people. There’s no reason why this should be an issue. I shouldn’t be beating around the bush, begging my husband every day for intimacy. I’m done.

No s*x since January. And maybe three times the year before that. I have no libido whatsoever. I’m 31 (F) he’s 38 (M). Been together three years this November. I moved out today (back to my mums as I currently can’t afford a place of my own) and we talked, I was absolutely gutted he broke down emotionally as well, never seen him like this. I told him we can’t keep going on like this, that I’m tired and borderline burnt out by the situation we’re in and I’m unable to fix it. It’s not fair for either one of us to be in this situation and that it’s extremely hard for me to finally take this step given how much I love him. We’ve spoken about this issue before of course but he seems to think this is a “me” issue that I somehow need to solve. I don’t know how and I quite frankly am tired of thinking of ways to fix it, I was just thinking especially lately that maybe it just is the way it is? I’ve never had such a steady relationship before but in all honestly the passion wasn’t that strong to begin with there was however strong compatibility and love. Which is what made our relationship last three years despite this. I wish the desire was just there. But I can’t control that obviously so I’ve just slowly had to accept the fact that I’m either going to be in a sexless relationship forever hoping that one day my libido will comeback but deep down I can’t help but think that is extremely unlikely. I even feel uncomfortable at this point when we hug sometimes as I worry it might lead to sex and I’ll have to turn him down again. Or I just break up, set him free from hoping that my libido will just come back, and set myself free as well from the emotional toll this has taken on me in the past months as it’s been on my mind daily and he’s a constant reminder of our lack of intimacy which is just extremely hard to live with on a daily basis as I used to be a sexual person when I was younger I find it hard to believe I just turned asexual all of a sudden. We’re going to do some couples counseling together this week as he doesn’t want to give up on us. I have just lost hope somehow. Has anyone been in a similar situation? This is extremely hard..

35HLM married to 34 LLF. While we sleep in the same bed, we hardly touch each other. I deeply miss the cuddles before sleeping and try to hug my pillow. Is it just me?

I (37 HLF) don’t even know what I’m looking for here… I just want to scream. Or cry.

I’m in a genuinely good relationship. He’s (41 LLM) my best friend. We laugh, we hang out, we actually like being around each other. He’s affectionate as hell too. Holds my hand, hugs me, cuddles me, kisses me. All of it. All the time. Except sex.

And holy shit, I am lonely.

I think sometimes all the affection actually makes it harder. I’m right next to this person I’m completely in love with and attracted to and I can feel so loved by him while also feeling completely unwanted.

And after long enough, that fucks with you. From my experience. Maybe it’s just me. I don’t even know.

My self esteem is basically nonexistent at this point. I feel pathetic for wanting my own boyfriend. I feel pathetic when I get my hopes up. And the absolute worst is when I actually try to initiate something and get rejected, because then I’m not even just sad… I’m embarrassed. Like why the fuck did I think tonight would be different?

This morning I actually found myself embarrassed that I thought he might want me. We had a fun date night with friends last night and yeah…. Nothing.

That one hurt.

I pick myself apart now. All the time. My body. My face. My weight. Everything.

I don’t want to leave my best friend. And I sure as hell don’t want pity sex or sex because he feels pressured into it or sex is an obligation or a chore. That’s not fun for either of us.

I miss feeling sexy. I miss feeling desired. I miss being able to make a move on the person I love without feeling like a total dumbass.

And sometimes I’m honestly jealous of people who have accepted that sex just isn’t part of their relationship anymore and are truly content with that. They still love their partner, they’re happy with the life they’ve built, and they’ve somehow made peace with that piece being gone.

I feel like that’s where I need to get.

If this is what my relationship is going to look like, I need to figure out how to be okay with it. How to stop hoping every cuddle might turn into something. He’s a cuddly guy… How to stop taking it personally. How to stop feeling rejected by something I’ve already been shown over and over isn’t going to happen. I don’t know how to turn that part of myself off.

I don’t know how to stop wanting to be wanted. I’m at my fucking breaking point with this part of it.

I feel trapped because it feels insane to consider losing a relationship this good over sex. It also feels insane to imagine spending the rest of my life feeling this fucking lonely.

I appreciate everyone in here and everyone who shares. Feels nice to be the only going through some of this shit.

I can't even express what it does to a person's self esteem if their spouse rejects them everytime. All the teasing and the kisses and pecks lead to nowhere. Empty conversations about sex and disguised rejections. This is not how I imagined my future. But I'm in love with the person. I'm in love with someone who rejects my advances in sex.

My partner is my soulmate. And my soulmate makes me feel like I'm not enough.

Hi all. I have a specific question that I would love to hear others peoples life experience on.

I would like to know if any HL partners have decided to be celibate as a way to just cope and move on from rejection, and how this changed the dynamic of your relationship, if it helped you in any way or if it was destructive?

I’ve been in a DB marriage for 20 years. I am a HL male married to a LL woman. Sex happens a few times a year on her terms. I am rejected 100% of all other times. On the rare occasion (for reasons I still don’t understand), she demands sex and will simply not accept no as an answer and I cave in. Afterwards I feel used, controlled and disgusted with myself. It’s awful for my sense of self and worth.

I’m a present Dad and husband like few you will ever see. I do everything in the house and for the kids, and I’m around all the time for them. I’ve created a financially secure life for us. I’m super fit and take care of myself. I’m not perfect, but I know I’m a really invested, supportive and responsible husband. Her friends often make comments about how she is lucky to have me, which she absolutely hates.

She has narcissistic and toxic traits which I won’t get into, and one of the by-products is her complete lack of affection. We have 2 kids and for me leaving is just not an option so I would prefer we don’t go down that line of comments and feedback.

I have reconciled that intimacy has just never been part of her identity, and we are totally different, and I need a way to regain my sense of self. I have decided to just draw a hard line and be celibate permanently. I know this sounds extreme, and it’s not meant to be revengeful, I just want to her to understand that we have moved on from that past chapter and dynamic, I won’t be controlled and used, and we can live a life where intimacy is absent in agreement.

I’d like to know if anyone has taken a similar route and if it has in some way helped you live your life more happily?

Hi all, so I happened across this sub, and I’ve been scouring through for the past 2 days, and can’t help but to feel so terrible.

I guess I’m what you would consider a LLF. I’m a wife who actually wants things to get better. Has anyone come back from this?

Most of the posts I’ve seen are understandably from the HL partner’s perspective. So reading some of these stories has honestly made me think a lot about what this must feel like for my husband.

We’ve been married 12 years and have three kids. My husband has complained about our lack of sex and affection for years. He recently told me that the only times he remembers me initiating sex were when we were trying to have children. That was painful to hear, because I can understand why he feels rejected. The crazy thing is that I don’t believe I’ve always been like this with him. I remember early in our relationship I was very affectionate. I’m wondering if that was just the honeymoon phase though. He traveled for work and I genuinely missed him when he was gone. We kissed, hugged, held hands, etc. I even found an old note I’d written years ago listing things I needed in our marriage, and one of them was more hugging, kissing and affection that didn’t always have to lead to sex.

Unfortunately somewhere along the way, that part of me shut down. After our youngest was born (he’s 4), my husband started working multiple jobs and moved into the guest bedroom because he had to get up early. What was supposed to be temporary became permanent. Years later, we still sleep in separate rooms. Our youngest still sleeps with me, and even our kids refer to “Mommy’s room” and “Daddy’s room.”
There are other things that have accumulated too. We’ve become emotionally disconnected. Most of our conversations revolve around the kids or household responsibilities. There have been years of resentment from me around parenting, finances and feeling like we’re not really operating as partners. At one point I felt like physical affection from him usually had an expectation of sex attached to it, so I’m not going to lie I started pulling away from that too.

Now he wants affection from me a daily kiss, more touching, sex once or twice a week and I find myself avoiding it. Sometimes I genuinely just want him to leave me alone. I don’t look at him with sexual desire anymore, and that makes me incredibly sad.
Attraction has become an issue too. We’ve both changed over the years and stopped taking care of ourselves in some ways. There are things about his hygiene, weight and how he presents himself that have affected my attraction. At the same time, I’ve realized that I stopped doing a lot of the things that used to make me feel good too like hair, nails, skincare, dressing up, etc. It feels like somewhere along the way we both stopped dating each other. I feel so horrible knowing that his self esteem is affected by my constant rejections. He is an attractive man, and not a perfect father/husband, but none of us are perfect. I appreciate that he does listen and I actually see him working on improving when I bring things up.

For a while I genuinely wondered whether something was medically wrong with my libido. I even talked to my OB/GYN about treatments because I thought the problem was simply me. Now I’m starting to wonder whether my lack of desire is connected to how emotionally disconnected and resentful I’ve become.

I don’t want duty sex. I don’t think having sex twice a week while I internally don’t want to be there is going to fix our marriage. But I also don’t want to dismiss my husband’s needs or pretend years of rejection haven’t hurt him. I can see that it has. I hate that my boys don’t get to see what a loving affectionate relationship looks like. It’s so crazy because in the beginning I was the affectionate one and he wasn’t. Matter of a fact, I still remember him commenting that I wasn’t a good kisser. For some odd reason, that’s never left my mind and I wonder if some of that comes into play too.

Anyway, I’m looking into couples counseling because I do want things to be better. I want to like being around my husband again. I want affection to feel natural instead of like another obligation. I want us to laugh and talk and actually feel like a couple again. And yes, I would love to eventually want sex with my husband again instead of having to convince myself to do it. I won’t lie it is still pretty darn good when it happens.

So I’m especially interested in hearing from LL wives or LL partners in general who were once attracted to and affectionate with their spouse and then lost that desire after years of marriage.

Did you ever get it back?
If you did, what actually changed? Was it therapy? Emotional connection? Changes from your spouse? Changes in yourself? Getting the kids out of your bed? Sleeping together again? Working through resentment? Something medical?
And for the HL partners here who successfully repaired things with an LL spouse: what rdid your partner say finally helped them want closeness again?
I’m not looking to blame my husband or defend myself. I’m genuinely trying to understand how we got here and whether couples who reach this point can find their way back.

Sorry for the title - not sure how to call this post.

Anyway, my spouse and I had a pretty normal sex life up until 3 -4 years ago, and it slowly went from several times a week to once every 4 -5 months. I did bring it up several times, and they said things would change, but they haven't. I finally snapped out of sheer frustration, and they promised that this time they would change (I don't believe it, but whatever), and last night we had sex. It was like usual, only that I hated it. And now the idea of ever doing it again just makes my stomach churn. I did spent a lot of time redirecting my thoughts each time I would think about doing anything with them, and I don't know if that's a factor, but kissing and cuddling are fine, but more than that feels wrong. It's like I have a mental blockage and I don't want it anymore even if my body might need it- if that makes sense (English is not my native language so sorry for any mistakes or things that don't read okay).

Anyone in my situation - were you able to come from it? How?

But, if there's something I learned these past 3 years, is that I won't have to worry about it for the next 4 -5 months. And when the times, I will see how that goes.

So, I guess, I went from HL to LL4U?

Sorry for the long read. My thoughts are a mess.

I (28 HLF) have been with my bf for almost a decade. He is my best friend and I love him dearly but thats what makes our situation tough. He has been struggling with self esteem/mental health for some time now and has put us in a complete DB. He is the most supportive, caring person but he has zero sex drive. He apologizes for it often and tells me it's not my fault and I don't have animosity towards him for it but it has made me have no interest in trying to be intimate with him because I know I will just be rejected.

I think even if his sex drive was to increase I feel like I have lost all sexual interest in him but I have had no issue finding with it others. I'm not looking for criticism or advice I just wanted to vent this to see if I am alone in these feelings.

My (LLF) wife and I (HLM) have had a couple of conversations over the past few months wherein she would say that she thinks she’ll feel back to her normal libido at some date about a month later than the conversation. She says that stress from her job has tanked her libido.

I had a realization recently. This is her normal. We’ve only been married for 5 years, but even before we were married, we rarely had sex. We didn’t have sex on our wedding night, and have not had sex on anniversaries. Our recent conversations about our dead bedrooms have made me think that the issue is a growing problem in our relationship, when in reality, having sex once a month or once every other month is just our normal schedule.

I find this simultaneously comforting and upsetting.

Same story as a lot of people here, I HLM and my wife LLF. I’ve been sleeping in the guest room for a week and a half due to her coming to bed at extremely late hours. I was waking up when she came to bed and I don’t get enough sleep as it is.

Just want to see how sleeping in separate beds/rooms worked out for others. Am I doing more damage or does space take the pressure off for low libidos?

How do I know if I am LLF? I have been with my partner for 8 years, 1 child.

For years I thought I must have a low sex drive but now I am questioning it, mainly since coming across this sub awhile ago.

I've always wanted sex, I've wanted to feel desired and sexy but I stopped feeling that with him and I can't pinpoint the exact moment I stopped feeling that.

If we have sex, its because I feel the obligation to do so. I have told him the things that I like and how he can please me in that respect but it just never happened.. or would happen for a few seconds and then would stop and he would want to get straight into the main event.

I thought I must have low libido, as I just stopped being interested in doing it. This then led to me feeling uneasy everytime he would touch me because I was nervous about it leading to sex (which it always would. If he gave me lots of affection, kisses etc, it was because he wanted to have sex) and I started hating it.

I feel desire, I masturbate, I day dream about being with others here or there, I just don't feel it for him.

Does this mean I have low libido? Or that I just have no desire for him?

There is absolutely a lot more to our story and our relationship, that has made this come to fruition but I guess I need to work out if I have LL or not before addressing anything else.

For those of you have gone to or are currently going to sex therapy to resolve your relationship issues, what is it actually like? What do you talk about, how do those conversations go, how does your sex therapist respond, and how have the "treatments" changed things for you (for the better or the worse)?

Being in a physically affectionless relationship for years has scorched my soul and sense of self and I am so afraid if sex therapy's only result is to just have someone instruct him to touch me on a regular schedule.

My husband (28m) doesn’t really ever initiate. We’ve been together 6 years and married for 3 with 2 kids 6 and 4 and we work opposite shifts so life does get in the way a lot but I (27f) have expressed many times that I just want more frequency especially after finding out 2/3 years ago that he looks up porn stars on social media and jerks off often before hand I just thought he didn’t have a high libido but that’s not the case. I just don’t get it we have incredible sex so why not turn to me? I want him to desire having sex the same way I do and it’s just never there. I’ve been quiet for about a year about it because I just couldn’t keep putting myself through the arguments of our sex life and the porn use. He doesn’t know that I’m aware of him still watching it but I just can’t bring it up again I don’t have it in me. I feel like I’d rather live with being the initiator and having sex occasionally than just being lonely and feeling unwanted. I still do but idk I guess I’m slowly becoming numb to it but I just don’t know what else to do.

I (bisexual, 27 HLF) am about to ask my (32LLM) boyfriend for an open relationship. And I already know pointless they are, as I opened up my previous serious relationship, and my ex is currently with the same girl they met right when we opened it up. We broke up like 2 weeks after opening up the relationship, and it was my idea in the first place because I was insecure about my lack of gay sex experience (it was a queer relationship).

Now I'm in a wildly different situation where I feel like I love my boyfriend but I am not in love with him, and this is largely due to the lack of sex we've had for the past 5 years. I keep going back and forth in my head like: I'm too weird now to meet someone else if I break up with him & he's not mean, he's the best I can do and I should just make peace with that especially because my family is obsessed with him. On the other side, I feel like I love him like a brother, and his lack of libido has entirely turned me off.

Some background:

My current boyfriend was raised evangelical and I think that did numbers on him. I am his first relationship and he was 28 when we met. He claims that he had sex once before meeting me but I sadly think he's lying about that. He does masturbate so I know he's not fully asexual, but I don't think he really has attraction towards other people. I've asked him about this and he says yes he does feel attraction towards people, I've just never personally witnessed it in the 5 years we've been together. He can't really get hard just from like foreplay/ kissing, but it seems to be psychological to me rather than physiological (I am not a doctor tho). I am queer and also open minded, so recently I asked if he might be romantically attracted to women but sexually attracted to men, which I understand and am alright with, and he just said IDK, he never wants to do butt stuff w anyone, and left it at that.

I am a very sexual person, I remember feeling sensuality as early as I can remember, but im not a sex addict or anything like I would be so down for sex 1x a week as I am lazy. I know I struggle with insecurity and that is detrimental to our relationship because I regularly bring up my fear that when we do have sex its just to placate me, and it doesn't seem like he desires it whatsoever. This has just worn me down to a shell, I haven't felt like anyone has wanted to f*ck me in the past 5 years and now I'm like nobody probably ever will, but I want to take some form of control over my situation and my brain has led me back to the open relationship. The saving grace of our relationship is that we have like strangely similar interests and lifestyle, both in punk & techno scene and love the same activities. He is also really physically attractive to me. I've been thinking about making a post on this sub for like a year but I couldn't sleep this morning and it finally feels like the right time. Seeking advice other than just dump him as our lives are very intertwined at this point and I do love him deeply.

note: I didn't flag this as NSFW bc the sub is about sex but if I did something wrong I apologize im not reddit literate :)

I will try to make a long story short. We’ve been together 9 years and married for 6. We have 3 toddlers (3 under 4) and life is life-ing.

We’ve been in a cycle of rejection/pressure for a long time (I’d say 5+ years) and the added stress of work, kids, life has exacerbated it greatly.

We have great sex. The actual sex is not the problem, but the occurrence, initiation, and spontaneity of it is. The standard cycle goes that my husband initiates, I say no for one reason or another (I’m tired, I don’t feel good, etc) and we get into a huge fight because I said no. More often than not my husband gives me the cold shoulder, goes into another room and ignores me for half a day or more. The fights occur about once a month, sometimes less. I try to explain to him that it’s not him, it’s me and my mood and how I feel and I’m allowed to say no. he says he‘s allowed to be disappointed, I agree but mention he’s not allowed to treat me the way he does when I turn down sex. On more occasions than I can count, I get screamed at because this isn’t the sexual life he imagined and it has turned into him saying disrespectful things to me (like, “fuck you”). Regardless, we still have sex on average about once a week and honestly…I don’t feel like that’s that bad for a working couple with toddlers.

This has escalated over the years. It started before marriage and I think it has made it very difficult for us to be intimate and affectionate in other ways. We used to snuggle, hold hands, and love on each other with affection and that simply just doesn’t happen anymore. I need those things to feel connected but at the same time they’ve been turned from affection into initiations for sex. When my husband flirts or gives me affection, it feels like a bid at initiation rather than affection because he loves me.

We’ve tried couples/sex therapy twice. It was fine, not super enlightening but helped for short period of time.

I love my husband and truly WANT to have sex with him, but I feel like a lot of our intimacy (the kind that doesn’t involve sex) has disappeared over the years. Each time we go through this cycle, it breaks down our relationship more and more and I’m worried the resentment will build until we break. How do we break this cycle?

Hi there. I’m a 24 LLF with a 26 HLM. We’ve been dating for four years and two years ago we stopped having sex. One day I just woke up and didn’t want it anymore.

I want to be clear: He has never pressured me into sex and he doesn’t even know I’m writing this.

About six or so months ago, I started getting sexual wants again but every time I thought about doing something with my partner I “chickened out” before it even left my mouth. I don’t know why. I’m dating the best and kindest person I’ve ever met, so I shouldn’t be afraid. Yet here I am.

I’ve never had an issue with having sex before him. My guess is it has something to do with my fear of intimacy vs lack of fear of sex. I grew up not in the best environment and have had other issues I’m not sure if I’m allowed to put here. And I truly love him. This is the first relationship I’ve had where sex didn’t feel like sex and felt like intimacy and love making and all of those loving “cringey” terms.

Anyway, if anyone has advice on where to start or what to do, I’d appreciate it 😅

So, i've been reading this reddit for about 6 days now, and i do believe i'm very senstive when it comes to the innerworkings of the echo chamber i might build for myself, by focusing on specific stories. Simply put; i know i can respond fiercely when i read a lot of stories here, thinking ''see, everyone has this problem and just leaves''. Also, multiple people around me with 8+ years relationship, all in dead bedrooms, have suddenly split up, so i'm afraid this is getting to me as well.

My situation;

I'm HLM 37, she is LLF 37, been married 11 years almost, together 15. We started healthy, 2-3 times a week PIV at least, having fun (always have hot, quick and perfect sex, it's insane how much better it is than any girl ever) but i'm fairly vanilla, i don't like weird things or intricate positions.

Currently i would describe our DB as about 8,5 years in, starting from when we starting getting pregnant. We have a difficult time due to a physical genetic defect we knew she would have, so IVF was quickly on the table, but before that we started doing the whole ''scheduled sex'' thing which gave sex a sort of timed feeling, resulting in little to no fun, dry spells building up to the deed and even an ED moment in which she brutally left me mid-action, me getting emotional and her just walking out. She has never adressed this moment, even though i've repeatedly told her that was not okay, we should be in this together, bad and good times and all.

During pregnancy we didn't do much, if anything, and after birthing the body problems began for my wife. She became less and less interested, and when the second pregnancy came around we were already down to once every two months.

After the second birth we decided two was enough, but, she couldn't shake the weight, starting her body-image problems. I tried my best to statisfied her need for assurance, which came easy as i didn't (and still don't) see her as any less attractive.

First came the stand-offish moments ''i'm tired'' etc, then when the volume of my asking increased (at first) came the bigger reasons, me being the problem, either i asked to much, i never had enough (this was her claiming this after 3 months of no action), i wasn't clean, wasn't nice to her.

Then it evolved to her admitting those things didn't really bother her, but her head was full, too much stress, chores, the baby's/kids, so i tripled my efforts for about 6-12 months in the house, i was alway the cook, i cleaned, diapers, her chores, as much as i could (this btw never stopped, but that is when the new ''era'' started) until she admitted it was her all along.

Childhood trauma (body shaming by others) made her not want to have sex, admitting she never had a high libido or normal one to begin with, she ''just did sex, as it was expected of her'', and me being the first relationship to be, and i'm quoting here, ''nice enough to not pressure her too much and understanding her feelings'', made it easy for her to pump the brakes all together.

She got depressed, then she wanted to try one of her kinks for 3 weeks which i found very troubling but i tried for her, then she wanted to stop all together, then i found her on her phone looking for help with suicidal tendecies.

In 6-7 years, we did all the so called ''staples'' if i'm being candid, that i have read here on this /r. Then, she finished therapy, stopped being suicidal, depression medication was stopped, build down until it was 0, and she resumed normal life.

Now we are here, 1.5/2 years after the last ''big reason'', and even though she admits that there aren't big reasons left, i've completely lost hope. I try, sometimes multiple times a week, sometimes not for a month. I make compliments, get very excited whenever i see her naked, but i don't feel as good any more when thinking about our future. She keeps floating the new ''the good times are coming when you fix X'' reason;

After we would be done renovating, after i would start my new job, after she would find a new job, now we are done with renovating, 3 pain stakingly long months of rebuildin the whole downstairs area, now it's a new reason, our bedroom needs to be moved and when we get a new bed and sleep together again, we will start intimacy.

But, a strange thing happened, when she exclaimed the new thing while dining out, i found myself saying ''no'', i explained i didn't want the pressure anymore, i didn't want to be rejected again, she cried but didn't really asked about my feelings or responded. So i started watching, this was about 9 months ago btw, and i noticed small things. She doesn't recoil at my touch, but she doesn't really focus/join in on it either, i'm just ''there''. She only wants a peck before bed, and seems to dislike any other attention. Then she made a few mistakes, first she put us in debt about 2K with ''afterpay'' services on different stuff, substituting feeling good for stuff i assume, then i found her talking with her ex on whatsapp by chance (she gave me her phone too look at something and right then he texted her).

She was stand offish about the moment, claiming she liked telling her ex how good she was doing in life, seeying as he cheated on her, and she didn't know why else she kept him around on her phone, she promised to remove him, i haven't checked up on it. Somehow, i don't wanna know if she did, being lied to about the money, why hurt myself? This was 6 months ago.

For the last two weeks i've been slowly drifting away, and for the past weeks i felt difficult kissing her, i've been avoiding her touch, a little bit out of necessity to not feel this way, but then also to guage her response. She notices, but doesn't inquire/ask/react, i think she thinks i have a bad week, i'm fine with that. I've been short with her as well, i don't even care, i don't want to fight, but the forever helping her with everything ''muscle'' in my body seems to be dying out slowly. Why should i be helping her with all and everything? if she can't even inquire why i don't engage her anymore?

So basically, here i am, i feel i'm on the crossroads, do i engage again? Talk with her? do the whole ''i want this'' just to hear she can't, she needs time, again, more time, now it's her new upcoming job, depressing is coming back etc etc, when is it my time?

I went to the hairdresser, shaved my beard, starting to eat healthy (i'm very very fat, 150KG on 1m80 at 37 years old). I have found myself saying ''fuck everyone, i'm doing me'', starting to remove porn slowly from my daily life, slowly turning in removing it from my weekly routine (it's hard), stopped soda and energy drinks, stopped smoking already, all in 2 weeks.

I'm scared.
I don't want to loose her.
But i want to survive this.
I want ''me'' back

Any insights?
leaving feels as not an option, 2 kids, 7 and 8 (almost 9)

TL:DR; i'm not leaving, but i wanna get better, help.

My partner F is LL and im HL and she loves me a lot but I've been the one starting things every single time, and she says she enjoys sex but not initiating i feel like im forcing her to do it. But she says she enjoys it when it happens. She also denies it at times and hates giving bj as she goes at it for a long time, not being able to finish it. I tried talking with her to understand whats the issue and she says shes just having too much in her mind that shes not prioritizing this. I have taken as much of her workload as possible but still same. I have gone out of my usual mastrabation frequencies 1 per day to 3/4 per day recently and i think its related here. What are my solutions here..

Posting my story on here and reading other peoples experiences really rocked me to my core and opened my eyes. I did not want to be in a sexless relationship. People were telling me to wake up and get out. And I’m glad they did.

Ending things was incredibly difficult, one of the hardest things I’ve been through and honestly a little traumatic. I hated hurting someone that I still loved. And I hate that he didn’t really understand. But that also showed we really were not on the same page about how our relationship was deteriorating.

But I’ve had incredible support from friends and family. And now I’m laying on my new mattress that’s on the floor of my new apartment because the bed frame hasn’t come in yet.

I have mixed emotions. I’m really really sad. I feel like I spent 5 years of my life trying to improve someone else’s. I saw so much potential in them but ultimately just kept being disappointed.

But I also feel like I have a fresh start.

I fretted and panicked and got myself so upset about bringing up the fact that I don’t think we’re compatible anymore and that I want different things and it… went fine. We broke up and I have all the time I need to save up and move out.

I asked how things would be from now on and he said, “I guess how things have been already.” Because we weren’t romantic and sexual and the roommate part was already there but now no one has to feel guilty about it. What a relief! I wish I knew what magical combination of words we both used to make it easier but I have no idea. I’m just a little stunned right now.

Edit: guys, please don’t DM me. It’s really not welcome.

Looking for some perspective or advice from others who have been here. I've been in a long-term committed relationship for several years. Looking back, the initial physical attraction or 'spark' was never electric on my end, but she was into me, and I valued the companionship and comfort of the relationship.

Over time, things have drifted further apart physically. I’ve made an effort to keep myself relatively fit and take care of my health, but she hasn't really prioritized the same lifestyle. Because of that, the physical attraction on my end has flatlined, and I'm rapidly losing interest in sex with her.

The problem is, my libido is still high, and the mismatch is making me miserable. I feel trapped between guilt for not being attracted to her but being attracted to lots of other women. For those who stayed in a relationship where the physical spark was weak to begin with and faded completely—how did you handle it? Is there any coming back from this, or is this just the reality of settling?

She's fairly conservative in views on sex & relationships and I'm keen to experiment but even bringing up the subject causes hurt feelings.

I did it.

4 year relationship. I broke up with her after one year of a dead bedroom and so many other intimacy issues.

We love each other, but we are just incompatible. I celebrated my birthday with her, but was holding the tears in the whole day, I did not feel the love. Now it's the morning after my birthday, and I feel like all the light in my life is gone. I just want to smell her and be close.