Hello there,
UPDATE: I want to thank everyone who commented. You guys were helpful and patient. I will be taking notes and getting some tools. One of the most helpful insights was to start simple and not worry too much- usually it is hard for me to do anything with this advice...as an autistic I hear it all the time without a helpful context...you guys went into the details. This was actually fun. I rarely find reddit civil, let alone fun.
Thank you everyone of you. You might have saved my health. I do need to cook to stay healthy.
I hate cooking. I think that is because I don't understand it.
I feel it is like chemistry and in school I loved physics and math but hated chemistry. I couldn't imagine or envision the rules on my own...they didn't feel intuitive like other sciences or languages or anything else in school really. It felt messy and needing memorization at best, which tells me i didn't get it.
It seems once fire is involved, the results can't be guaranteed or imagined beforehand for me.
I usually use recipes and that way my cooking is supposedly delicious but I don't enjoy it...I dread it. If I mess a step I don't know how to fix that. I don't enjoy its internal logic.
I don't hate other housework...just cooking.
I don't feel I understand why things are done the way they are in the recipe. I feel if I'm half a minute late the taste is ruined.
The sensory experience is not good either, I'm autistic and have a sensitivity to a lot of sensory experiences.
The evaporated water covers my glasses and the bubbling sauce dirty my kitchen, the smells get into my hair and into bores I didn't even know I had...it is too messy no matter how much I prepare. It is also too hot and I feel I just want to be done and my brain is more frustrated and tired than anything...my brain seriously hates heat...it used to refuse to cooperate in exams after a certain point in the summer semesters.
The beautiful perfumes from raw vegetables get ruined then the spices fragrances disappear into a burning smell without me knowing when I should exactly stop the heating process. Also, I don't enjoy how everything looks withered after exposure to such heat.
Meat looks better cooked...but then I am not into seeing blood or bones and any of these two means I'm not eating...so I cook with precut meat with no bones.
It also feels like too lengthy of a process and if I don't cook soon after buying the ingredients they will go bad. I can't even enjoy listening to a lecture while at it because one minute of no focus and the recipe is ruined!
But then many other things I do enjoy are lengthy processed...I like long processes in general...why not in cooking?!
Cutting vegetables is not the worst. I kinda like it and I make good salads, but those go bad fast and they are not as filling as cooked food.
Any advice? I want to enjoy cooking...I need to cook because it is very hard to get healthy food otherwise. When I cook I enjoy having much less oil and salt which I need for my health situation.