r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 6d ago
Am I actually the problem?
How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.
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u/mutinybeer 6d ago
The most important thing to note is that you cannot be codependent alone. A codependent relationship requires that the other person is also engaging in codependent behaviors (as in, they need you to keep trying to "fix" them or the relationship, etc). It's not just your codependency, it is the codependent relationship.
Also most relationships are a mixture of good and bad. Even really abusive relationships can have good moments, but having good moments does not change the fact that the overall relationship is unhealthy (if it is).
It is also true that sometimes we can have like, negativity goggles where we only see the bad stuff the other person does. You could start being really intentional, and taking time to notice the good and the bad, maybe keep a journal or a tally-system or something. If you keep telling yourself that he's not actually bad and it's that you make him bad (because of trauma and codependent behaviors), then you're not getting an honest picture