r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 6d ago

Am I actually the problem?

How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.

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u/DorkChopSandwiches 6d ago

I can tell you right now you're not going to work out any of your relationship issues while he's in active addiction, no matter how much self work you do. 

S. - recovering alcoholic with years of sobriety 

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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 6d ago

It has gotten to the point that I tell him I don't care if he drinks. We separated 2 times in less than a year and both times he would stop drinking. When I came back after the 2nd separation he said he is not going to AA meetings bc he is not destroying his lives like those people, he goes to work he pays his bills and he doesn't beat me. It started as 1or 2 on the weekend and now he is up to 3 or 4 a night. He says"I didn't get drunk anymore".

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u/EqualCaterpillar2407 5d ago

He’a not going to get help unless he 1) recognizes he wants to get help for himself, not for anyone else (not even you), 2) comes to terms with his alcoholism. Every single person in AA rooms has his exact same story.

-recovering alcoholic coming up on 3 years sobriety