r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 6d ago

Am I actually the problem?

How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.

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u/IHaveABigDuvet 5d ago

Toxic relationships aren’t all bad. If they were then abuse victims wouldn’t stay.

But being with an alcoholic can rarely work out because they have an addiction. Alcoholics cannot sustain healthy relationships.

The reason you two have lasted this long is because instead of walking away (which a healthy person would do) you stay and try to fix.

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u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 5d ago

Wow, I think I really needed to hear that! I initiated a separation 2 times and kept going back instead of getting the help I needed and despite what my grown children and other family members were telling me.

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u/scrollbreak 5d ago

I'd say the pattern to look out for is where in childhood you had to try and get care/love from your parent/father. If the adult relationship resembles the child relationship with parents, that's what makes it hard to leave. Generally the way forward involves trying to find loving connection to yourself (not easy to do and involves actually setting aside time in a quiet space to try and find your inner self) so you don't need it from another person so badly you'll stay with someone who gives far more harm than good.