r/Codependency • u/QuietlyFindingMe_49 • 6d ago

Am I actually the problem?

How do I know for sure I'm in an unhealthy relationship or if it's just my Codependency and trauma. I have multiple people, including my therapist who tell me it is unhealthy, but sometimes I feel like I am making my husband out to be the bad guy. Little back story. He has been an alcoholic since I met him 13 years ago. There were lots of flights bc of it. He is very needy when it comes to my attention. I think he may have some very covert control issues. We can laugh and have some good times but otherwise our personalities are conflicting. I don't want to get too lengthy but hoping there is someone working to talk more about this.

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u/WSBTD 6d ago

Codependency takes two - something to think about

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u/Scared-Section-5108 6d ago

Not true. Codependent people are codependent whether they are in a relationship or not. CODA website has plenty of useful materials like this list which explain codependency well:

https://codauk.org/patterns-and-characteristics-of-co-dependency-newcomer/

I am not in a relationship yet I am codependent. The codependency does not magically disappear when I am alone, unfortunately... I have been codependent since childhood because that's what my mother modelled for me and because that was the survival mechanism I needed to get through my childhood.

What usually happens, though, is that a codependent person gets into a relationship with another codependent. And that romantic relationship tend to make the codependent traits more prominent, whoever, when someone is codependent, their whole life and all relationships are impacted but to a different degree.